Fic: Nipped (Criminal Minds, Hotch / Chad, Reid / Morgan)
Title: Nipped
Pair: Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan,
Aaron Hotchner / Chad Christensen
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Feedback: Always Welcome
Criminal Minds Main List
Hotch had a bizarre feeling that something was going on right in front of him, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. Reid had pressed his lips together the way he did when he wasn’t sure if his people skills could cover the situation. Next to him, Morgan looked absolutely fascinated in a car crash sort of way.
Mrs. Clarkson continued babbling about her three month sabbatical. Hotch glanced over her shoulder. Chad was biting his bottom lip, trying to stifle a giggle. Hotch still couldn’t figure out how a grown man with a deep voice could sometimes giggle like a little kid.
“-so I just came to say hi to everyone.” Mrs. Clarkson finished. “You know where to find me if you need something.” She bounced away from the bullpen and Hotch could see all three men waiting till she was out of earshot. The elevator doors closed and Chad started giggling uncontrollably. That was the last straw for Morgan, who joined him with a husky chuckle.
Reid looked at them and even he smirked like a lunatic.
“Am I missing something here?” Hotch demanded.
“How can you miss that?” Morgan howled. “At least we know she made good use of her time off.”
“Reid, please explain this to me.”
“I think Morgan was referring to her….” Reid tried to come up with a polite expression. “….outsourced endeavours to improve the external manifestations of her most basic characteristics.”
“That didn’t explain anything.”
“Let me handle this.” Chad grinned. “Didn’t you notice anything weird about her? Something that wasn’t there before her sabbatical?”
“Well….” Hotch had to think about it for a while. “I think she did something new with her hair.”
His guess was followed by triple giggle.
“I’ll make this as easy as I can.” Chad stated. “Her face is puffy and doesn’t even move, no wrinkles anywhere, lips are twice the size they used to be…. Do I need to draw a picture for you?”
“You mean she….”
“Went to get her sixty-something maintenance work done.” Chad confirmed. “How can you miss that? The woman looks like the bride of Chucky.”
“I did notice she looked little unusual, but I thought she may have switched her make up or-”
“Did you even see the beach balls she had attached to her chest?”
“I don’t look down women’s dresses.”
“You live with a guy, that means you’re allowed to take a peek. Besides, when a woman has a chest like Reid’s, and then someone shoves two bowling balls under her skin, it’s kinda hard not to look.”
“Yeah, but…. How did I miss that?”
“It’s guy thing.” Chad grinned. “When you get together with another guy, you start looking at women more critically.”
“I looked, but I just thought she looked funny.”
“That’s because you’re still pretty new at this. Within a year you’ll be giving J.J. advices on what shoes match her eye shadow.”
Hotch looked absolutely horrified.
“Just kidding.”
“I hope you were!”
“Of course I was. You would never match your shoes to your eye shadow.”
“That’s not funny.”
“Everyone else thinks it’s funny.” Chad pointed at Morgan and Reid, who were trying to control their expressions and stifle a new fit of laughter.
“He’s right, that was funny.” Morgan agreed. “And Hotch….”
“What?”
“Since Chad started dropping by more often, you’ve lost a lot of your authority.”
“Morgan, I’m not his boss, but I’m still your boss.”
“I’m on a break.” Morgan waved his unwrapped sandwich as if to prove his point.
“Besides, you still got that gentlemanly thing going on.” Chad placed his hand on Hotch`s shoulder. “It’s pretty adorable.”
“Gentlemanly thing?”
“You don’t look at a woman for too long. You keep eye contact and you make sure your eyes don’t slip down South. And you would never critisize an elderly woman. At least not to her face.”
“I thought that was just normal good manners.”
“We were all on our best behaviour, none of us said anything about that caterpillar she had implanted inside her top lip.”
“Can we just go for lunch now?” Hotch sighed. “If we carry on with this conversation you’ll probably tell me I should get something done too.”
“I wouldn’t say that.” Chad looked genuinely surprised. “I wouldn’t even let you have stuff done, I love your wrinkles.”
“Thanks.”
“And you saggy parts.”
“Thanks.” Hotch grunted. “Lunch?”
“I’m ready to go. What about you two?”
They turned to look at Morgan and Reid. They were staring at them with a sappy awww-look on their face.
“Aren’t they adorable?” Morgan smirked. “Sooooo sweet.”
“Do I need to order some disciplinary actions?” Hotch gave him a Glare of Death.
“Nope.” Morgan dumped his sandwich to his desk drawer. “Let’s go.”
He and Reid followed Hotch and Chad to the elevators. When the doors had closed Chad leaned close to Hotch to whisper in his ear.
“Speaking of nips, tucks and syringes… Next time Hailey comes by to bring Jack, take a look at her forehead.”
“You mean…?”
“Yep, botox. And it’s not a pretty sight. Think you can still eat your lunch?”
“My ex-wife is full of toxin. Trust me, that’s nothing new.”