Fic: Critical Response / Beached (Criminal Minds, Reid / Morgan, Hotch / Chad, Sean / Cain)
Title: Critical Response
Pair: Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Criminal Minds Main List
“Pretty Boy?”
“Hmmm…?”
“I know I got you that magazine to pass the time, but I had no idea you’d start a letter for them.”
“I’m writing a list of their factual errors, I’ll send this to the editor when I’m done.”
“Errors? Reid, it’s cheesy mag, you can’t take it that seriously.”
“Look at this headline.” Reid flipped the magazine open so Morgan could read the headline.
“Ten things you didn’t know about sex. What’s wrong about that?”
“I already knew all ten things.”
“You probably did, but the average reader doesn’t.”
“Everyone knows these, and they write about them like anyone with an average intelligent doesn’t know them.”
“Test me. What’s the first?”
“Human is one of four species, that are known to practise oral sex. The other three are hyenas, cheetahs and goats.”
“Didn’t know that. Next.”
“Clitoris is the only part of human anatomy, that doesn’t have any practical purpose.”
“Didn’t know that either. Next.”
“Men who watch pornographic material where a woman and a man interact, produce more semen then men who watch only women.”
“Three out of three. It’s just entertainment, not a science publication.” Morgan snatched the magazine and leafed it through. “Did you read this one?”
“I read it all, it took one minute and thirty-seven seconds.”
“How to become a Man-Magnet with six easy steps.”
“Put it away.”
“This is actually interesting….”
“Morgan.”
“Go out with a group. We always went out with a group, even before we got together.”
“The main purpose of that group-rule was not to look desperate. We went out with the team because we never have time to get friends outside the team.”
“Keep your drink in your hand. If you talk to a man without one, he may take it as a sign to buy you a drink and feel pressured.”
“You always bought me a drink anyway, because you thought I was an amusing drunk.”
“You are an amusing drunk. The only difference between then and now is that now I get you drunk so you’d fool around with me in the bathroom.”
“I’ve told you not to do that again.” Reid groaned. “Last time was embarrassing enough. Especially when I couldn`t remember it in the morning! And when we went to that place a week later that bartender kept eyeing me…”
“Step Three: Remember to smile.” Morgan continued and gave Reid an appreciative glance. “You should do that more often, that’s what got me hooked in the first place.” He flipped to the next page. “Step four: Keep steady eye contact. You do that more now than you did in the beginning.”
“Do I?”
“Yeah, when you came to work in the BAU, you looked down all the time like your hands were the most interesting thing in the world.”
“You always say you like my hands.”
“I do, especially when they’re on me. Step five-” Suddenly Morgan started laughing uncontrollably. “Doesn’t work for us.”
“That’s what I thought too.” Reid agreed. “How can we not talk about work when we work together every day? And that last step is useless too.”
“Keep the conversation topics light and funny. Not gonna happen. Where would we be without dead bodies, unsubs and MOs?”
“Exactly!” Reid exclaimed. “These instructions don’t fit real life!”
“They’re not meant to be useful, they’re meant to give hope to desperate people.” Morgan tore the top sheet from Reid’s pad and tossed it into the trashcan. “And they don’t need your feedback to write garbage.”
“Maybe you’re right.” Reid smiled. “But weren’t you supposed to be doing something while this thing distracts me from giving you unwanted advices?”
“Yeah, I gotta…” Morgan twirled around. “Where did he go?”
“Where did who go?” Reid asked innocently.
“Clooney!”
“You mean your dog who just got a dose of laxatives inside a doggie treat?”
“You know a better way to get my watch out of him?”
“You shouldn’t leave it in places where he can snatch it and eat it.” Reid grinned and started leafing through the next magazine. “And since you didn’t keep an eye on him, or put newspapers on the floor like I suggested, you’ll clean up after him.”
“Pretty Boy-”
“Don’t try that tone, I’m not helping. Your dog, your watch, your mistake. Rubber gloves are under the sink.”
-------------------------------------------------
Title: Beached
Pair: Aaron Hotchner / Chad Christensen,
Sean Hotchner / Cain Christensen
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Criminal Minds Main List
“You ever feel like life is one big kindergarten and we’re left out of the ball game?” Sean mused and gave Hotch a mischievous glance. He pushed his sunglasses higher on the ridge of his nose and leaned back on his blanket. "Like that fat kid who was always the last to get picked into a team."
“I could play, but I got a bad knee. I don’t want to aggravate it.”
“You’ve never hurt your knee as far as I can remember.”
“It comes and goes.”
“So it has nothing to do with the fact that you don’t like to loose? Even to Jack...”
“Absolutely nothing.”
“You could at least take your shirt off. How often do you get a chance to spend time on a beach?”
“I enjoy a weekend away as much as anyone else, but that’s no reason to get careless with the sun.”
“Couldn’t you at least put on a short sleeved shirt?”
“No.”
“What are you hiding?”
“Nothing.”
“Really…?” Sean leaped across the blanket and tried to pull Hotch`s shirt up. He noticed the marks underneath and let go off the shirt. “Man, what the hell have you been doing?”
“Sean, it’s nothing.”
“Nothing? Your whole stomach is black and blue!”
“It was my own fault.” Hotch lowered his voice. “We got exited in the kitchen and I… leaned on the wrong place.”
“You leaned?” A knowing look appeared on Sean’s face. “Are you trying to say you bent over a counter and got banged up against the edge.”
“Sean, I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“Hey, it’s totally normal! I did that mistake once. We were so into it I didn’t notice anything, but the next morning I was really sore.”
“Sean.”
“Just tell me if I’m right or wrong. Yes or no.”
Hotch nodded his head and avoided Sean`s eyes.
“Next time just flop over to your back, it`s a lot more comfy.” Sean advised and watched Hotch`s reaction. “And judging by that look on your face, you’re tried that too.”
"Sean, I will not talk about details of my sex life with my baby brother.”
“Come on, bro. They’re busy.” He gestured to direction where Chad and Cain were teaching Jack the finer points of volleyball. “Yes or no. Kitchen table?”
“Yes.”
“Bathroom?”
“Yes.”
“Backyard?”
“Yes, but it was dark." Hotch groaned. "Change the topic.”
“Hey, I’m happy that my big bro is getting enough for once. I can still remember when I came to see you and the Ice Queen-”
“Don’t bring that up again…”
“…and you two were fighting-”
“Sean.”
“-about marital duties.”
“That was about making time for it, not the actual lack of it. And we thought we were alone.”
“All the same. When you get hot and heavy on the kitchen floor just because you’re in the mood, you know your relationship is doing well.”
“Maybe you should write a guidebook with that theme.” Hotch deadpanned. “Remind me… How long did your longest relationship last before Cain?”
“I’ll shut up now.” Sean rolled around on the blanket so he could watch the two men playing ball with Jack. “I’ll just enjoy the view.”
“Jack’s still too short to get the ball over the net, so it won’t be very exiting.”
“Who was talking about volleyball or Jack?" He gave Hotch a little wiggle of the eyebrows and turned to look at the two Christensen brothers again. "That sight gives a whole new reason to love Speedos. Especially when they`re bouncing and moving with the ball, all sweaty and hot...”
“As long as you’re eying your own one.” Hotch grinned. “Remember that.”