Fic: Rear Ended (Criminal Minds, Reid / Morgan, Garcia)
Title: Rear Ended
Pair: Derek Morgan / Spencer Reid
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Criminal Minds Main List
Garcia was about to start her normal list of possible lunch destinations, when she heard the argument echoing from the bullpen. He followed the noises and found Reid and Morgan in what seemed to be a heated discussion.
“Morgan!” Reid looked so aggravated he resembled a cat ready to claw the next person he met. “I am not a racist!”
“You are and it’s keeping you from acknowledging the facts.” Morgan shot back and sat down behind his desk. “All humankind knows it’s true and you have to be the only one who doesn’t think so. Sounds like racism to me.”
“What are we talking about here?” Garcia interrupted. “And what does the whole humankind know?”
“I’m speaking from purely physiological point of view, there’s no difference.” Reid continued. “And people’s sense of aesthetics is always as individual as the individual him- or herself.”
“I’ll give you an example.” Morgan turned to Garcia. “Baby Girl, gimme the top three of that poll you had last year.”
“Which one? Best dressed? Best hair? You didn’t do well in that one-”
“Best butt.”
“You were on the second place and Chad was number one.”
“I remember that, but who was the third?”
“I can’t remember.”
“Well, that’s two out of three anyway, so it proves my point.”
“What is your point?”
“That black guys got the best butts.”
“That’s what you were arguing about?”
“Pretty Boy here keeps claiming there’s nothing unusual about them.”
“About men’s butts? I thought that was something I can only fight about with my gal pals… Why wasn’t I invited into the conversation?”
“The bone and muscular structure is exactly the same, regardless of the race.” Reid stated. “Some people have more visually pleasing contours than others, but it has nothing to do with ethnicity.” His last word ended with an embarrassing squeek, when Chad suddenly appeared from the hallway.
“I don’t wanna know what you’re talking about.” Chad walked to his desk and sat down on the edge. “Is Aaron back from lunch?”
“Not yet.”
“He forgot his phone. Give it to him when he gets back, okay?”
“Sure.” Reid took the phone from him. “And we weren’t talking about racial issues in a disparaging sense, we just-”
“Don’t worry, I’m too thick-skinned to get suspicious.” Chad leaped up again and headed out of the bullpen.
“Look carefully.” Morgan pointed at rear end marching down to the hallway to the elevators. “Can you say that`s not beautiful?”
“You`re looking at Chad`s butt and calling it beautiful.” Reid stated. “And you haven’t even mentioned how you lost your first place to that posterior. That shows significant lack of trust to your own argumentation.”
“Yeah, well… I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I did.” Garcia fanned herself. “Pretty is pretty and that was more than pretty.”
“And this?” Morgan turned around to give her a good look at his assets.
“That’s pretty too.”
“Just pretty? Not more than pretty?”
“I’m beginning to understand why Spencie here was mad at you.”
“I wasn’t mad, I was-” Reid corrected, but Garcia didn’t let him finish.
“I would be mad, and if I say I would be mad if I were you, you need to be mad too. Pretty guys are here to bring pleasure to my everyday life, that’s their main task. Besides their own work of course. Nice as in the office is like a bunch of flowers on the desk.”
“Bunch of flowers?” Morgan repeated. “I have no idea what you’re talking about… but that happens a lot.”
“They are both there to give people a little bit of excitement when they have to work on something totally creepy like a murder or bloody bodies or Rossi’s ex, calling to demand alimony pays. They both can make a day a little bit easier.” She titled her head to glance at Morgan’s rear. “ When I see you on the security cameras, bending over the table to get something, or I see that SteelBooty who just left running the training classes in those skimpy little gym shorts…” She let out a high, nearly orgasmic whimper. “It doesn’t save the day from going to the dogs if it’s going that way, but it makes it easier to deal with it.”
“That was a very good description.” Reid agreed. “And it has nothing to do with racial background.”
“Great ass is just as great even if it’s bright red.” She nodded and her face turned sour. “Like Kevin’s. That’s one kink we’re not gonna try again…”
“No details, please.”
“That was so embarrassing I wouldn’t tell you about it anyway.”
“Good.”
“Stop pushing me.”
“I just said-”
“Okay, okay. I’ll tell you.”
“I didn’t want to-”
“I read this article, where they said spanking increases the sensitivity if you’re planning some bum-fun-”
“Did you actually have some of that?”
“What do I look like, one of those weirdos, who strap stuff on and then-”
“I’ll take that as a no, so why would you read an article about it?”
“You’re trying to make me feel stupid, aren’t you?”
“No, I-”
“Pretty Boy just wanted to warn you that magazines don’t give a realistic picture about that butt-stuff.” Morgan interrupted and Reid let out a sigh of relief.
“I know that, but you gotta keep trying new stuff, or things will get boring.”
“With you? That’s not possible.”
“Yeah…” Garcia grinned leisurely. “If I don’t get a man to stand in attention and dance the cha-cha in the middle of the supermarket the guy must be dead.”
“That’s exactly what I was gonna say…”
“I think… I think I’ll call him and check if he’s free for some lunch…” She licked her lips. “Some hot… steamy… meaty lunch.”
“Baby girl?”
“Yeah?”
“You sound like a cheap porn film.”
“Those girls got nothing on me, skinny bitches with silicone enhancement. I`m one hundered percent organic.” She turned to leave and glanced over her shoulder. “Come on, boys.”
“What?”
“I spent ten minutes complimenting your ass, I expect some appreciation when I leave the room.” She wiggled her hips and waited.
“It’s…” Morgan looked down at her rear. “…voluptuous.”
“Curvy.” Reid added.
“Sensuous.”
“Rembrant-esque.”
“Juicy.”
“Healthily developed.”
“Bootylicious.”
“Callipygian.”
“Cheeky.”
“Macropygian.”
“Enough. If I get too many compliments, I can’t sit on it anymore.” Garcia giggled and bounced out of the bullpen.
“I think that proved something.” Morgan nodded and turned to Reid. “You were partially right. But just partially.”
“Why just partially?”
“I still think we have great asses, but that scene just now proved that healthy butt-pride is universal.”