Fic: Safety First / Guy Moments (Criminal Minds, Spencer Reid / Derek Morgan)
Title: Safety First
Pairing: Derek Morgan / Spencer Reid
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Criminal Minds Main List
Summary: Morgan is planning an education session, but finds it hard to plan his teaching to fit the target audience.
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“Morgan?”
The agent was sitting by his desk and scribbling to a little notepad, then overlined some of it and started again.
“Morgan?” Chad tapped him on the shoulder. “You do know everyone’s left for lunch, don’t you?”
“Yeah…” Morgan eyed the empty bullpen. “I was working on something.”
“That kinda why I’m here. They called me from the supply storage, and they were a bit confused.”
“I’m allowed to sign out stuff.”
“Yeah, it was more about what kinda stuff you signed out.” Chad pulled a folded print from his pocket. “A helmet, extra thick Kevlar vest, compression shorts, knee pads, elbow pads, shoulder pads, , mouth guard, cricketers leg shields, sports bra-”
“Yeah, that one was a mistake. I was on a roll, and I got sidetracked.”
“Wrist guard, orthopaedic sneakers, oxygen tank-”
“I have a good explanation.”
“I really hope so, because right now I’m imagining you trying to climb on Mouth Everest and then a start a cricket match on top of it.”
“I promised Reid I would teach him how to roller-skate.”
“Reid?” Chad repeated. “Spencer Reid on wheels?”
“I said something about how it improves balance, and he latched onto it, and I couldn’t get him to forget it.”
“So you decided to cover all possible accidents.”
“Yep.”
“Don’t you think you’re going overboard with this?”
“We’re talking about Reid, remember?”
“Right…” Chad nodded and sighed. “Maybe you should get him a biohazard suit.”
“Not a bad idea. No matter how well I’m prepared, that kid always finds a loophole. Like a place I haven’t covered and gets a scratch, or runs into a gun wielding maniac or anthrax.”
“I remember… Did he tell you about the mugging?”
“What mugging? And when?”
“When we were together. We were coming out of a restaurant, going to my car. Dark parking lot and no one in sight. This little creep leaps up from behind a car, waving a knife and demanding our wallets.”
“Did you give them to him?”
“Of course not. I got a good grip from his wrist, got him to drop the knife and put him face down on the ground.”
“So no one got hurt.”
“Reid did.”
“You just said-”
“When I got the guy under control, I told Reid to pick up the knife. I momentarily forgot that Reid was Reid. He somehow managed to cut himself with it when he picked it up.”
“Sounds like Reid.”
“Yeah. Accident prone doesn’t even cover it. I don’t mean he can’t take care of himself, but… he’s like a kid. If you leave a little kid wandering around the house, he finds all the sharp stuff you thought you moved to the upper shelves.”
“I know.” Morgan sighed. “Any ideas what to do with him?”
“You could…” Chad thought about it and grimaced. “Safest choice would probably be yoga. It’s good for balance, so you could offer it instead.”
“Yoga?” Morgan chuckled. “Seriously?”
“You can’t just rely on gym, yoga can get you into positions you’ve never even dreamed about.”
“I’ve heard about that, but isn’t it kinda girly?”
“No, and actually I know a great guy, who does classes just for men. For some reason a lot of guys don’t like to bend down to downward facing dog when there’s women around and they can’t enjoy the views themselves.” Chad pulled out his cell phone and searched for the number. “I’ll send you his number, so you can ask him about the classes.”
“Have you been to his classes?”
“No, he does beginners courses.”
“And you’re sure it’s Reid-friendly?”
“Unless he figures out how to bend his leg behind his back and accidentally kicks himself in the head, the biggest worry is falling off the yoga mat.”
“I’ll try to sell it to Reid. Do they really do that meditation thing in the class? I saw that in some TV show.”
“Yeah, in the beginning of the class and in the end, to clear the mind of everything so they can just focus on the moment.”
“Reid trying to empty his mind for while… I have to take him there, that’s something I gotta see.”
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Title: Guy Gatherings
Pairing: Derek Morgan / Spencer Reid
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, etc.
Criminal Minds Main List
Summary: Reid tries to understand guy language.
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Morgan leaned closer to Reid, their shoulders rubbed together and he whispered under his breath.
“Please don’t say anything.” Morgan gave him a pleading look. He could tell by the eager expression on Reid’s face that the genius was waiting for a suitable gap to dive into the conversation. “Please…”
“-but that’s how it goes, right?” Agent Perkins finished his story. “Small tits, but who cares, they’re like legs. When things get serious you throw the aside.”
The audience of four other agents laughed appropriately, while Reid pinched his lips together. Once the laughter had subsided, he gave agent Perkins a friendly little wave.
“Do you mind if ask you some questions? I was wondering about few things.”
“You wanna know my pick up tricks, kid?” Perkins smirked. “Go ahead and ask, you’ll be a grown man someday.”
“First of all, you said you engaged in sexual intercourse several times during one night. It’s not really recommendable to use medication for sexual performance so often, it causes a strain on the heart.”
“I don’t need any Viagra. Get it in your head, kid.”
“Sorry, but we’re trained to observe. You just took allergy medication for hay fever with your coffee, and it doesn’t react well with some medications. Most of them are for relatively serious illnesses, and since you’re here, and not on a medical leave-”
“Watch it.”
“The only one left is a substance they use in over the counter medications for impotence.”
The last word caused an awkward silence. The group of men turned to look at Perkins’s reddening face.
“Those concoctions are not FDA approved and they’re labelled as alternative medicine, but combined with that allergy medication they cause that discoloured nasal mucus you’ve been wiping off your face.”
Perkins’s eyes went from one man to the next. His audience was trying desperately to keep their laughter inside, but once one of them giggled, the floodgates were flown open. The crowd began laughing and Perkins’s face started to resemble a ripe tomato. He turned around and marched out of the break room.
That seemed to break the story telling session and the men left one by one, claiming it was time to get back to work anyway. Morgan waited until they were gone before he started his rant.
“Congratulations, genius. You did it again.”
“I just tried to attend the conversation. I meant it when I said he could be damaging his heart-”
“When guys get together on Monday morning and start talking about who and what they did last weekend, truth is not the most important element. It’s about story telling.”
“What’s the point if the stories are not true?”
“They’re true, just exaggerated. And guys don’t make questions about each others…”
“Impotence?”
“Downstairs problems. We don’t talk about them in private and we don’t talk about them in groups.”
“Why are you talking about them like that? I know you don’t have any issues with your erectile functions-”
“You know what? I don’t come and talk about football when you have a geek chat with the forensic nerds, so don’t sabotage my guy talks either.”
“I’m a guy.”
“Yeah, but you just can’t do guy talk. Did you see the look on Perkins’s face? I’ve never seen a guy turn red right in front of me like that…”
“I still don’t know why he would react like that.” Reid wondered and finished his coffee. “Impotence is a legitimate medical problem-”
“Pretty Boy…” Morgan sighed and dumped the content of his mug down to the sink. “Try to think of him as someone you hear about during an investigation. Why do you think he would he feel awkward after your little speech?”
Reid tapped his mug with his fingers, thinking about the scene. Then a look of realisation showed up on his face.
“Oh…”