Comments | finwealtariel: Fanfic: "Fate"

finwealtariel

Fanfic: "Fate"

Jul 29, 2006 13:02

(no, not the song by L'Arc!)

Fandom: Card Captor Sakura
Title: Fate
Pairing/Characters: Touya x Yukito
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance. Fluff.
Summary: It's not Fate... ^_~

Prompt:Written for the 101_kisses, with the prompt # 29 - Secret Joy; as well as the 31_days, for the July 29 prompt - "Let the world around us fade"

( ...perhaps, Gravitation? )

101_kisses, geschichten, 31_days

Comments 5

fairymage July 29 2006, 17:49:41 UTC

Ha! Touya, you're such a sap. YOU KNOW IT.

Grammar. I think you use "had" but don't need to.

Just like that, she had smiled at him and said goodbye. But not without her cryptic words that had taunted him for year in his dreams.

I think you could take out both "had"s, and it would sound a little less awkward (that might just be personal preference, though).

A couple commas where you may not need them.

Except Fate probably thought Touya was being stupid, too. and the sentence about Yuki sleeping.

Also, verb tense. Just as an example:

One that has wispy, grey-blond hair; round, bright eyes that was the color of fresh honey; and a warm and even brighter smile that made the Sun pale in comparison-

Your tense changes a lot here. If you want present, use "has," "are," and "makes." If you want past, use "had," "were," and "made."

But sooooo cute. *is dead by the cute*

finwealtariel July 30 2006, 10:55:25 UTC

i write lameass fluff when i'm tired at 3 in the morning XD uwaah~! but thanks for the slight beta, really appreciate you taking it upon yourself to do this for me --;; i'll go change them~~

(and i have yet to reply to all your TxY stuff too..I just read through *ALL* of them in one sitting the other... hmm so maybe this is your fault?? ^^)

fairymage July 31 2006, 04:58:40 UTC

3 in the morning is a good time for fluff. But I think I found that I write better kink than fluff at that time (provided I'm not gouging my eyes out writing complete BS for a paper).

It's not a problem. A lot of people are turned off by mistakes, but they don't bother to help the author change it, which I think is stupid.

Heh. *apologetic* But I'd love to know what you think. I don't get a lot of hits/comments on those (because I think I'd be stoned over at tshrine if I crossposted every time I wrote T/Y), so it'd be much appreciated.

finwealtariel July 31 2006, 15:13:14 UTC

It's really nice to get *real* constructive criticism sometimes. Nice feedbacks are okay, but I'd rather some honesty and opinions as well. So I truly appreciate your effort!

There really isn't any other CCS fanfic comm is there? I used to post at clampfiction, but I rarely get reviews from there as well. --; so sad.

Thread 5