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Sex - the Primal Energy
by Daniel O’Rourke
10/14/10
This column is about sexuality as the primal energy, the primitive power that, for better or worse, nourishes and motivates our actions, but first let’s take a careful look at relationships themselves.
Relationships are tricky. Whether it’s college roommates, spouses or partners, all relationships are complicated. If they are to last, they demand negotiation, compromise and constant adjustment. No matter how compatible, people often view things differently. Inevitably, that’s what happens when two people are in close contact. This is especially true when they are spouses or lovers. When you add sex to a relationship, no matter what the sexual orientations, it changes things dramatically.
Perhaps that’s because sex makes us possessive and territorial. “She’s my girlfriend get away from her,” or “He’s my man keep your eyes off him.” Sex complicates things. Even outside the legal commitment of marriage, we tend to think we possess our sexual partner. Isn’t that what Joni Mitchell meant when she sang of “our possessive couplings?”
Father Ronald Rolheiser, in his book The Holy Longing, teaches that sexuality is the primitive primal energy. He explains that the word “sex” comes from the Latin and means to have been cut off, to have been amputated, to have been disconnected from the whole. Human beings are incomplete - physically and psychologically incomplete. In seeking its completion, this primal energy produces beautiful things, like poetry, art, romance, commitment, and loving life-nourishing families.
But it’s also responsible for dreadful things such as jealousy, envy and suicide - even crimes like prostitution and murder. Christians would say that we need God’s grace to channel and sublimate this powerful primitive force. Indeed, mystics of all religions find the completion sex demands in the Ground of Being, the Source of Life - in the Mystery many call God.
Many by choice or circumstance choose celibacy and instinctively channel this primal energy into dedicated, even compassionate service. In some ways these men and women are freer to serve - and I’m not just speaking about celibate priests or religious. (Mandated celibacy, of course, is different. It is not free at all.) There are secular celibates too. I hope they will pardon this column and understand that I write it because most of the human race, in one degree or other, live out their lives in sexual relationships.
The English poet W. H. Auden has a telling, if cynical insight, when he writes, “Almost all of our relationships begin and most of them continue as forms of mutual exploitation, a mental or physical barter, to be terminated when one of both parties run out of goods.”
That, of course, does not have to be. Negotiation, compromise and constant adjustment can avoid it. Here are three clichés to help keep this primal energy flowing and sexual relationships healthy: Be realistic. Grow together. Live in the present. (That’s all good advice for celibates too.)
Be realistic. There is no Mr. Right or Ms. Perfect even though you might have once thought so when you entered the relationship. Our spouses or partners are flawed human beings, just as we are. Don’t blame the other. To some degree, a relationship’s failings are always mutual.
Grow together. The energy of our lives is in constant flux. We change. Circumstances change. Friends and relatives change. They move on or away. They divorce; they die. If there are children, they bring striking changes. Aging bring change. Inevitably and constantly, we are making choices in response to life’s turmoil and dynamism. In healthy relationships we regularly discuss these changes with our partner and make choices together. Then as our lives evolve so does the relationship and we mature and grow together.
Finally, live in the present. The Buddha tells us that the secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly. In the same vein, Hank Stram, the Hall of Fame college and professional football coach quips, “Yesterday is a cancelled check. Today is cash on the line. Tomorrow is a promissory note.” If, however, you don’t like your advice from spiritual masters or football coaches, listen to the psychologist Abraham Maslow, “The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.”
Does it sound easy? It isn’t. It should be clear by now that sex is not merely physical. Rather sexuality is a spiritual force. In order to channel its primal energies it requires life-changing adjustments, but when this is done it makes us happier, more fulfilled human beings. The traditional marriage vows say, “Until death do us part.” For fortunate partners that is a blessing - not the burden of a life’s sentence.
Retired from the administration at State University of New York at Fredonia, Daniel O’Rourke lives in Cassadaga, New York. His newspaper column appears in the Observer, Dunkirk, New York on the second and fourth Thursday each month. A grandfather, Dan is a married Catholic priest. He has published a book of previous columns, The Spirit at Your Back. To read about that book or send comments on this column visit his website http://www.danielcorourke.com/
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