Present for apeygirl
My present for apeygirl who wanted some smutty, Chlarkex crackfic.
Title: Lex’s E-mails to his Personal Assistant Over a Three Day Period
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Crack!porn
Pairing: Clex, Chlex and Chlark, also some Lexina
Warnings: Graphic language, drug use, verbal abuse towards a personal assistant
Author’s note: A sequel to Clark’s Thoughts During his Two Second Commute to Work
Word Count: 1,850
Lex’s E-mails to his Personal Assistant Over a Three Day Period
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 18:14
Gina,
Call the Leprechauns for Luthor headquarters and reschedule the fundraiser tonight. The boyfriend’s invited over his BFF and we’re going to trick her into having sex with us. She’s probably the one person in this world I consider my intellectual equal so everything must go according to plan. Please bring me the following ASAP
1.) 3 magnums of Champaign. The good stuff, not the Champaign Clark likes (aka fizzy apple juice).
2.) My Frankie Goes to Hollywood CDs
3.) Strobe lights
4.) A plastic scorpion. Should look fairly realistic.
6.) A pair of gold bicyclist pants for Clark. If you can’t find them in his size get them one size smaller.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 19:07
What the Hell, Gina!
I said PLASTIC scorpion. This is a real one. Yes it’s dead and dried out and all that crap, but it gives me the heebie jeebies. You’re a woman, right? Would looking at this thing make you want to have sex? Come on, use your brain.
P.S. Gold bicyclist pants are perfect.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 19:32
Now you’re just mocking me.
A blue scorpion. Is that some kind of joke? Are you trying to be funny? Are you, Gina? Because I’m not laughing.
This is serious business. In a little less than half an hour I have to convince one Chloe Sullivan, a reporter for the Daily Planet, that she’s been stung by an intergalactic space parasite and has lost all inhibitions. How the FUCK am I supposed to do that with an electric blue bathtub toy?
Let me be as clear as possible. I want a plastic scorpion that’s five inches long from head to tail and is perhaps a light mauve color and I want it in the next 15 minutes, God damn it!
Clark’s already drunk one of the magnums of Champaign. Better bring us two more as well as a magnum of fizzy apple juice.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 20:21
The mouse has taken the cheese. Repeat. The mouse has taken the cheese.
I do not want to be disturbed for any reason, you got that?
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 20:48
Quick Gina. Use all Luthorcorp political connections to make Portugal the new capital of Brazil. I’m losing a bet.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 20:49
Gina, please disregard last e-mail. Turns out I want to lose this bet.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 22:15
Need more Champlain. And green pasties in the shape of shamrocks. This is the best nite of my life!
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 00:58
I love yo, Gina. Half I ever tolde you taht before?
Im sitting hear watching my boyfriend’s ass pump up n down as he fucks his childhood best friend and it just… you know… it maks my think of you.
Your like really really really really really important to me times 1000. Kind of like me mom. The way you have hair. I alwas liked that about you. From the very beginning. Get what Im sayin?
You don’t know me. I mean you know me but you don’t know me. No one knows me. You know? I’m so alone. I can b in a room fell of poeple and Im stil a lone. Because no one nose me.
But you try to kno me. Thats cool. I like it. But sometimes Gina you try to hard. Yoru like my mother. You never leeve me alone. God! Will you ever stop hounding me?
Oh hey, it’s my turn to drive the boat.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 04:34
Gina, please disregard last e-mail.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 07:54
Gina, why are there no window shades in the study? The morning sun is blinding in here.
Do you know how peaceful it is to fall asleep entangled in your lovers’ limbs after a drunken, frantic orgy? Imagine the warmth of your lovers’ bodies as they cradle you against their bosoms, the scent of your multi partner lovemaking lingering in the air and lulling you into a deep, serene slumber. There is nothing in this world more peaceful.
Now imagine the bright morning sunlight cutting like a knife across the throat of that post-coital peacefulness, slashing the tender flesh and violently robbing it of its life blood until there is nothing left but a dried out husk.
There really should be shades in the study. I’m disappointed in you.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 10:09
Gina, water, stat!
And Vaseline. Lots of Vaseline.
And breakfast. Get the cook to make us coffee, assorted muffins, scrambled eggs, fresh squeezed orange juice, pie with any fruit filling, cold pepperoni pizza, and I’m in the mood for sausages. We’re all in the mood for sausages and not those tiny links either. We want big, thick, long, spicy sausages, almost like a kielbasa but juicier.
And cancel all my appointments for today, including my appearance tonight at the Metropolis Museum of Modern Nudes.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 11:43
Gina, the harem and I are heading to the outdoor Jacuzzi. While we’re gone have the cleaning staff mop the floor in the study. It’s rather sticky.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 11:45
Just to be clear, it’s my harem. My idea, my harem.
Sincerely,
Clark
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 11:45
That’s really weird. Why is Lex’s name at the bottom of the e-mail when I’m the one who wrote it?
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010, 11:46
It did it again.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 13:51
Gina, back from the Jacuzzi.
Cleaning staff did an outstanding job, but did they really have to strip the felt off the pool table? I know it had some stains, but I think it could have been steam cleaned or something.
We need the felt on that pool table. It’s too scratchy otherwise and it’s the only surface in the study that can accommodate all three of us.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 14:33
Gina,
Top secret, covert operation only you can be trusted with.
Break into Chloe Sullivan’s apartment and steal a set of her bra and panties. Take them to Dr. Scarpetti to have them fitted with chain mail. Then wrap them up in one of those heart shaped candy boxes and bring them to me ASAP.
Will explain later.
P.S. Black satin covering on pool table looks totally rad.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 16:00
Gina,
Call a doctor. I think I may need stitches.
Did you know movie prop swords still have a bit of an edge to them? I didn’t realize that.
I should probably go to the hospital, but I don’t want to have to explain the loincloth. Please pick a doctor who knows the meaning of the word discretion… and who can prescribe a painkiller that won’t make me impotent.
Oh, and the black satin on the pool table looks cool, but it’s not practical. I can’t get good traction. You should have thought of that.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 16:21
The doctor’s freaking me out, Gina. The glass eye? Seriously. That’s the best you could find? He’d better have good painkillers.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 17:08
Gina, get me some pottery clay. I’m in a creative mood.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 17:17
I need more clay than that. My vision cannot be contained.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 17:44
More clay.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 18:20
You should see this thing, Gina. It’s amazing. I’m the Rodin of my generation.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 19:53
Do you believe in God, Gina? I didn’t until today.
I can see Him, God. He’s in the vibrator, the light-up one that plays ‘Sexual Healing.’ He is magnificent and magnanimous. His love knows no bounds. We’re like funnels or tubes or maybe a snug tunnel He inserts Himself into, stimulating us to our ultimate, climatic state.
We’ve all been touched by God, at least Clark, Chloe and I have this afternoon. You want to be touched by God too? If we wipe Him down with a bleach solution He should be fine.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 21:00
Gina,
Gina, Gina, Gina, Gina, gina, gina, ginagina ginaginaginaginaginaginaginagina ginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginagina-ginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginagina ginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginagina Gina.
Your name rhymes with Ballerina, did you know that? I think it’s because you’re so graceful.
My name rhymes with Sex and Hex and Multi-Movie-Megaplex. Do you see a pattern here? We are what our names rhyme with.
Chloe’s name rhymes with Blow Me. So true.
Clark’s name rhymes with Mungleblark. I have no idea what that means, but it’s appropriate. 95% of the things Clark says make no sense!
Your name also rhymes with Hyena. What does that say about you? Do you laugh at me behind my back? Are you crouching in the shadows, waiting to find me at a weak moment so you can pounce and feast on my intestines?
I’m sorry, Gina, but I can’t trust you, not with that name. You’re fired. Also, if there’s anyone on staff with the name Neville please fire him too.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 21:09
Don’t worry about Lex. I’m pretty sure with the drugs he’s on he won’t remember anything tomorrow.
Clark and I are heading out now so sleeping beauty can have his rest. Check my facebook in an hour or so if you want to see some interesting pictures.
P.S. I haven’t had the chance yet to thank you for the heads up on the scorpion/space parasite. If you hadn’t told me in advance I wouldn’t have known to play along. You are a gem. Someday soon we should go shoe shopping.
AUTO SIGNATURE REMOVED
Friday, March 19, 2010 08:12
Gina,
What the hell is the giant lump of clay doing in the middle of my study? It looks like a huge turd. Is this someone’s idea of a practical joke? I’m not amused. Please have it removed.
And where did everyone go? No one said good-bye. I feel so alone.
Cancel my appointments for the rest of the day. I’ll be busy brooding. If Keyser Soze complains tell him he can kiss my ass.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Friday, March 19, 2010 08:13
Who the fuck changed my auto signature!
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
The End
Title: Lex’s E-mails to his Personal Assistant Over a Three Day Period
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Crack!porn
Pairing: Clex, Chlex and Chlark, also some Lexina
Warnings: Graphic language, drug use, verbal abuse towards a personal assistant
Author’s note: A sequel to Clark’s Thoughts During his Two Second Commute to Work
Word Count: 1,850
Lex’s E-mails to his Personal Assistant Over a Three Day Period
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 18:14
Gina,
Call the Leprechauns for Luthor headquarters and reschedule the fundraiser tonight. The boyfriend’s invited over his BFF and we’re going to trick her into having sex with us. She’s probably the one person in this world I consider my intellectual equal so everything must go according to plan. Please bring me the following ASAP
1.) 3 magnums of Champaign. The good stuff, not the Champaign Clark likes (aka fizzy apple juice).
2.) My Frankie Goes to Hollywood CDs
3.) Strobe lights
4.) A plastic scorpion. Should look fairly realistic.
6.) A pair of gold bicyclist pants for Clark. If you can’t find them in his size get them one size smaller.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 19:07
What the Hell, Gina!
I said PLASTIC scorpion. This is a real one. Yes it’s dead and dried out and all that crap, but it gives me the heebie jeebies. You’re a woman, right? Would looking at this thing make you want to have sex? Come on, use your brain.
P.S. Gold bicyclist pants are perfect.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 19:32
Now you’re just mocking me.
A blue scorpion. Is that some kind of joke? Are you trying to be funny? Are you, Gina? Because I’m not laughing.
This is serious business. In a little less than half an hour I have to convince one Chloe Sullivan, a reporter for the Daily Planet, that she’s been stung by an intergalactic space parasite and has lost all inhibitions. How the FUCK am I supposed to do that with an electric blue bathtub toy?
Let me be as clear as possible. I want a plastic scorpion that’s five inches long from head to tail and is perhaps a light mauve color and I want it in the next 15 minutes, God damn it!
Clark’s already drunk one of the magnums of Champaign. Better bring us two more as well as a magnum of fizzy apple juice.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 20:21
The mouse has taken the cheese. Repeat. The mouse has taken the cheese.
I do not want to be disturbed for any reason, you got that?
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 20:48
Quick Gina. Use all Luthorcorp political connections to make Portugal the new capital of Brazil. I’m losing a bet.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 20:49
Gina, please disregard last e-mail. Turns out I want to lose this bet.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 22:15
Need more Champlain. And green pasties in the shape of shamrocks. This is the best nite of my life!
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 00:58
I love yo, Gina. Half I ever tolde you taht before?
Im sitting hear watching my boyfriend’s ass pump up n down as he fucks his childhood best friend and it just… you know… it maks my think of you.
Your like really really really really really important to me times 1000. Kind of like me mom. The way you have hair. I alwas liked that about you. From the very beginning. Get what Im sayin?
You don’t know me. I mean you know me but you don’t know me. No one knows me. You know? I’m so alone. I can b in a room fell of poeple and Im stil a lone. Because no one nose me.
But you try to kno me. Thats cool. I like it. But sometimes Gina you try to hard. Yoru like my mother. You never leeve me alone. God! Will you ever stop hounding me?
Oh hey, it’s my turn to drive the boat.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 04:34
Gina, please disregard last e-mail.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 07:54
Gina, why are there no window shades in the study? The morning sun is blinding in here.
Do you know how peaceful it is to fall asleep entangled in your lovers’ limbs after a drunken, frantic orgy? Imagine the warmth of your lovers’ bodies as they cradle you against their bosoms, the scent of your multi partner lovemaking lingering in the air and lulling you into a deep, serene slumber. There is nothing in this world more peaceful.
Now imagine the bright morning sunlight cutting like a knife across the throat of that post-coital peacefulness, slashing the tender flesh and violently robbing it of its life blood until there is nothing left but a dried out husk.
There really should be shades in the study. I’m disappointed in you.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 10:09
Gina, water, stat!
And Vaseline. Lots of Vaseline.
And breakfast. Get the cook to make us coffee, assorted muffins, scrambled eggs, fresh squeezed orange juice, pie with any fruit filling, cold pepperoni pizza, and I’m in the mood for sausages. We’re all in the mood for sausages and not those tiny links either. We want big, thick, long, spicy sausages, almost like a kielbasa but juicier.
And cancel all my appointments for today, including my appearance tonight at the Metropolis Museum of Modern Nudes.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 11:43
Gina, the harem and I are heading to the outdoor Jacuzzi. While we’re gone have the cleaning staff mop the floor in the study. It’s rather sticky.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 11:45
Just to be clear, it’s my harem. My idea, my harem.
Sincerely,
Clark
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 11:45
That’s really weird. Why is Lex’s name at the bottom of the e-mail when I’m the one who wrote it?
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010, 11:46
It did it again.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Luthorcorp Industries
Thursday, March 18, 2010 13:51
Gina, back from the Jacuzzi.
Cleaning staff did an outstanding job, but did they really have to strip the felt off the pool table? I know it had some stains, but I think it could have been steam cleaned or something.
We need the felt on that pool table. It’s too scratchy otherwise and it’s the only surface in the study that can accommodate all three of us.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 14:33
Gina,
Top secret, covert operation only you can be trusted with.
Break into Chloe Sullivan’s apartment and steal a set of her bra and panties. Take them to Dr. Scarpetti to have them fitted with chain mail. Then wrap them up in one of those heart shaped candy boxes and bring them to me ASAP.
Will explain later.
P.S. Black satin covering on pool table looks totally rad.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 16:00
Gina,
Call a doctor. I think I may need stitches.
Did you know movie prop swords still have a bit of an edge to them? I didn’t realize that.
I should probably go to the hospital, but I don’t want to have to explain the loincloth. Please pick a doctor who knows the meaning of the word discretion… and who can prescribe a painkiller that won’t make me impotent.
Oh, and the black satin on the pool table looks cool, but it’s not practical. I can’t get good traction. You should have thought of that.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 16:21
The doctor’s freaking me out, Gina. The glass eye? Seriously. That’s the best you could find? He’d better have good painkillers.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 17:08
Gina, get me some pottery clay. I’m in a creative mood.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 17:17
I need more clay than that. My vision cannot be contained.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 17:44
More clay.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 18:20
You should see this thing, Gina. It’s amazing. I’m the Rodin of my generation.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 19:53
Do you believe in God, Gina? I didn’t until today.
I can see Him, God. He’s in the vibrator, the light-up one that plays ‘Sexual Healing.’ He is magnificent and magnanimous. His love knows no bounds. We’re like funnels or tubes or maybe a snug tunnel He inserts Himself into, stimulating us to our ultimate, climatic state.
We’ve all been touched by God, at least Clark, Chloe and I have this afternoon. You want to be touched by God too? If we wipe Him down with a bleach solution He should be fine.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 21:00
Gina,
Gina, Gina, Gina, Gina, gina, gina, ginagina ginaginaginaginaginaginaginagina ginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginagina-ginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginagina ginaginaginaginaginaginaginaginagina Gina.
Your name rhymes with Ballerina, did you know that? I think it’s because you’re so graceful.
My name rhymes with Sex and Hex and Multi-Movie-Megaplex. Do you see a pattern here? We are what our names rhyme with.
Chloe’s name rhymes with Blow Me. So true.
Clark’s name rhymes with Mungleblark. I have no idea what that means, but it’s appropriate. 95% of the things Clark says make no sense!
Your name also rhymes with Hyena. What does that say about you? Do you laugh at me behind my back? Are you crouching in the shadows, waiting to find me at a weak moment so you can pounce and feast on my intestines?
I’m sorry, Gina, but I can’t trust you, not with that name. You’re fired. Also, if there’s anyone on staff with the name Neville please fire him too.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Thursday, March 18, 2010 21:09
Don’t worry about Lex. I’m pretty sure with the drugs he’s on he won’t remember anything tomorrow.
Clark and I are heading out now so sleeping beauty can have his rest. Check my facebook in an hour or so if you want to see some interesting pictures.
P.S. I haven’t had the chance yet to thank you for the heads up on the scorpion/space parasite. If you hadn’t told me in advance I wouldn’t have known to play along. You are a gem. Someday soon we should go shoe shopping.
AUTO SIGNATURE REMOVED
Friday, March 19, 2010 08:12
Gina,
What the hell is the giant lump of clay doing in the middle of my study? It looks like a huge turd. Is this someone’s idea of a practical joke? I’m not amused. Please have it removed.
And where did everyone go? No one said good-bye. I feel so alone.
Cancel my appointments for the rest of the day. I’ll be busy brooding. If Keyser Soze complains tell him he can kiss my ass.
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
Friday, March 19, 2010 08:13
Who the fuck changed my auto signature!
Lex Luthor
CEO, Hair Club for Men
The End