Looking for a Happy Ending - Part 4A
Title: Looking for a Happy Ending
Author: firefly_ca
Pairing,Character(s): Kurt/Blaine, with eventual appearances from pretty much everyone
Rating: NC-17 for disturbing themes, scenes, etc.
Word Count: Part four is 18K. Um, new record?
Spoilers: All of S2
Summary: AU. Blaine Anderson hasn't been Blaine Anderson for 8 years. He doesn't remember much about his old family and his life before he moved in with the man he calls his father. Together they move from town to town, always drifting before Blaine can get too familiar with his surroundings. Then one day they end up in Lima, Ohio, and Blaine finds himself questioning everything he thought he knew.
A/N: Just for the record? Rachel giving the Barbra treatment to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" has been at the top of my wishlist for this show ever since I heard about David Grohl make the perfectly legitmate statement that Glee would never be able to do service to one of his songs. Because I have a sick mind and that's just how it works.
All things considered, Kurt shipping himself off to Westerville could have turned out a lot worse for Blaine. He's by no means happy about the development, but if nothing else it helps Blaine to see that he's not as alone in this town as he once thought he was.
Even with Kurt hours away from him, they still talk to each other most nights on the phone. Kurt is having a little trouble adapting to a life of uniforms and conformity, and he's not sure what to make of the stuffy atmosphere that is Dalton Academy.
"Even their glee club is a lot more restrictive than I thought it would be," He admits one evening. "The first time I saw them all I knew was that they sang fun, happy songs, and that it made them the coolest kids in the school. Now that I'm here it's a little horrifying to see how very...Rachel Berry they are about what they do."
Kurt is not even a bona fide performing member of the club yet, at least not officially. He is fortunate enough to have bonded with two of the three council members of the Warblers, which means that they were willing to bend the rules for him when arrived at the school mid-semester.
"Normally it's against their policy to let someone join the group so close to a major competition," he says. "They made an exception for me. I had to audition to prove I could carry my weight, but I won't be performing for sectionals. Even if I were I'd just be swaying in the background anyhow. It's not like I'm headlining at the Met."
"He hates it," Blaine observes to Mercedes the next day while they're comparing notes. "He's trying to keep an open mind about everything, but he can't handle private school diplomacy after all the time he's spent with you guys and your constant anarchies."
"We're only like that when we need a break from Rachel solos or Mr. Schue's 80s catalogue," Mercedes says. "But you have a point. I was telling him about our latest Rachel Rebellion and he sounded so homesick."
They make their first of many trips down to Westerville that week, spending many hours helping Kurt decorate his dorm room when they ought to be doing homework. Blaine is surprised by how much fun it is to be around Mercedes. She is a constant stream of chatter and gossip, full of information that shocks Blaine in its triviality and inanity. It is shallow and pointless and almost white noise, but it is also fun. Mercedes has really let her guard down now that Kurt is no longer there to fuss over, and Blaine is starting to see why Kurt values her friendship. He knows that their friendship is based on a lot more than Mercedes' superficial qualities, but he's secretly glad she's not so close to him, because he loves how uncomplicated his world becomes when he talks to her. Some people watch TV and go to the movies to escape their lives, some people read, and others write bad poetry. Blaine just has to take a drive with Mercedes out to Westerville.
She's not the only member of New Directions he gets closer to, either. He maintains his pseudo-friendships with Artie and Puck, even after he flat out refuses Puck's invitations, pleas, demands, and eventual threats to join glee club in Kurt's place, and he continues to talk with Brittany and Santana, who seem to like hanging out with him at parties.
"You're the best boy," Brittany tells him one day. "All the others just want to make out, or trick me into flashing my boobs. You let us play with your hair and talk about important issues. You're the best."
Blaine loves that Brittany thinks "important issues" are things like which My Little Pony is the most likely to kill a dwarf, or whether her hair accessories have feelings. He could genuinely listen to her talk forever and never get tired of it. He suspects that Santana loves listening to her best friend's chatter as much as he does, if not more so, and she seems to be happy to extend her seal of approval to anyone who doesn't look at Brittany like she's brain damaged.
While these friendships are nice, they're not too surprising, since he was on speaking terms with most of these people anyhow. More unexpected are the conversations he starts having with Kurt's eventual New Directions replacement Lauren Zizes and Rachel Berry. They are, apparently, the weirdest people Blaine has ever met, and Blaine now knows a girl who thinks that diabetes is a superpower, so that's saying something.
The thing with Lauren starts out when she stomps her way over to him one day during a study period and barks,
"Brenner, Imma kick your ass for ruining my AV cred, you jackass."
"Excuse me?" Blaine says.
"What's wrong with singing and dancing?" She demands. "Doesn't everyone love singing and dancing? Why do you think you're better than the little people?"
"I...don't know what you're talking about," Blaine finally says, trying to stay out of swinging distance but not sure he succeeds, since he's heard Lauren has a crazy long reach.
"Don't play dumb with me, Brenner," she says. "I've heard all about how you thought you were too good for glee club, even though your little friend with the chick voice lived for it. Now you've just abandoned them in their hour of need? The one thing Kurt truly loved about McKinley High? That's low, Brenner. You've really let everyone down."
"But...I thought you were the replacement for Kurt?" Blaine asks, uncertainly. He tries to subtly look around to see if there is anyone around who might be interested in helping him. Not a single person is looking their direction, the dirty cowards.
"Yeah, I am," Lauren spits. "Maybe you don't understand. I run AV Club, Brenner. Having to join the glee club is like holding an assembly to announce that I have a sex with clowns fetish. Like, actual mimes who act out orgasms instead of having them. It's humiliating, and as president of one of the most feared clubs in school, I feel I deserve better."
"Then why did you join?" Blaine can sense he is playing with fire here, but he doesn't know what else to say.
"Because Puckerman made out with me," Lauren explodes and okay, wow. "He's like a little mohawked lapdog just waiting for someone to tell him what to do, and it just so happens that literally leading a jock through the halls of a school by a leash is, like, number two on my bucket list."
"So it sounds like this may end well for you," Blaine says, and he wonders why he's not more surprised that Puck has decided to fall for Lauren. "Why are you mad at me?"
"Jock or not, I'm still stuck in glee club," Lauren says. "And it's either because you suck or it's because I suck. Out of the two options which do you think is more likely?"
Blaine acquiesces, and before he knows it, every time he sees her in the halls, he gets another update on the worst thing about glee club.
"You suck because they hook up with each other more than a fish tank full of inbred guppies."
"You suck because Finn can't dance and breathes through his mouth."
"You suck because Sam's bad dye job isn't fooling anyone."
"You suck because today Rachel and Artie thought they could do a successful cover of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' and my ears are still bleeding."
And so it goes. Blaine starts to look forward to her angry attacks, as much as she seems to look forward to giving them. Especially when the tone starts to change.
"You suck because Puck thinks Queen is a legitimate way to tell a girl like me that he likes her."
"You suck because I suddenly care about singing in front of these rejects when we both know from a social standpoint I'd be better off trying to look cool to the janitor."
"You suck because this was never supposed to be so much fun."
Still, for as strange and unexpected as Lauren's interaction with him is, Rachel Berry's is downright bizarre. When he mentions it to Mercedes, she only rolls her eyes and says,
"Yeah. She's been a little lost without Kurt around. I don't think she ever really realized how much their fighting meant to her. I think she's trying to audition new people to fill the void."
Lost really is a good word to describe it. It's not that Rachel has become sad, or angry, or even argumentative; she's just become nervous and, well, clingy. He had no idea that she invested so much of her energy into trying to tell Kurt how to live his life, and he gets the impression she didn't either. Unfortunately Rachel rallies rather quickly and decides to fill this gap by trying to boss someone else around, namely him.
It's not that he hates Rachel or anything - he actually finds her entertaining in a train wreck kind of way - but being the focus of Rachel's determined energy is nothing short of exhausting. He understands why Kurt would sometimes stare listlessly off into space for hours after glee meetings where he would fight with Rachel about song selection, costume details, choreography, and which Barbra musical was the best.
When Rachel sets her sights on making your life more acceptable to her standards you give up peace and quiet and alone time. Blaine has actually taken to hiding from her in the hallways. So far it hasn't worked.
Rachel's main point of concern seems to be Blaine's singing, or rather his lack thereof.
"You can't hide the truth from me any longer, Blaine Brenner," She says, her brow furrowed in complete determination. "Brittany and Puck have both told me they've heard you sing and they both say you are very competent at it. Not joining glee club simply isn't an option for you."
"Rachel," Blaine says, as calmly and firmly as he can. "Like I've told you the last ten times, I don't want to sing in front of people. It's not my thing. I don't like being the centre of attention alright?"
"But you won't be!" Rachel says happily, like she's won something. "Everyone knows that I'm the centre of attention in glee club. We'd be more than happy to let you stand in the back harmonizing. In fact I think it's safe to say we'd prefer it."
"No Rachel."
"But - "
"No."
Blaine supposes he should be flattered. In a way he sort of is. He'll never sing with her, but it's nice to know that for whatever reason she cares enough about him (or at least Kurt) to make the effort, however psychotically terrifying said effort might be.
So far as Kurt's new friends go, Blaine supposes they're nice enough, too. He's a little surprised that Kurt likens them to Rachel at all, since they seem for the most part relaxed and laid back guys. Well, maybe Wes is a little serious, but still very friendly.
"They're different when it's about the Warblers," Kurt explains one day over Skype not long after Blaine has met them during one of his trips to Westerville with Mercedes. Blaine doesn't understand what this means until he meets up with Kurt to go out for coffee a few weeks after the Warblers lost out to New Directions at Sectionals and Wes and David are tagging along with him.
Wes and David are looking more serious than Blaine has ever seen them, and Kurt looks like he's trying very hard not to laugh.
"What's going on?" Blaine asks.
"The council is worried about the future of the Warblers," Kurt says, dryly. "Apparently we have no focus."
"It's not a laughing matter, Kurt," David says in disapproval, and he suddenly sounds like he's giving a high-level job interview, formal and severe. "The Dalton Academy Warblers traditionally have always shone brightest using the strategy of an elected senate operating behind the powerful charisma of a popular figure head."
"What?" Blaine whispers to Kurt.
"They can't find the right lead singer," Kurt clarifies.
"Oh," Blaine says. "Well, do you guys really need one? I mean, New Directions share solos all the time and it works fine for them."
Wes smiles a little tightly at Blaine before saying,
"I don't suppose we should talk about this at all without councilmember Thad here as well, and certainly not in front of a civilian. Maybe we should take this up later, Kurt? I think I remember the things we've discussed well enough to commit them to shorthand so Councilmember Thad can look through them before the next meeting."
Blaine wonders what happened to the guys he found laughing themselves sick in Kurt's dorm room two weeks ago, watching a video of a monkey masturbating in front of a class of kindergarteners. Kurt is giving him an "I told you so" look. Still, Blaine is really growing fond of Kurt's two new friends, quirks and all. He may not like sharing Kurt, but both boys seem to be really invested in making Kurt feel welcome, and Blaine appreciates the way they look out for him, since he isn't there to do it himself anymore.
Between trips up to Dalton, and parties, and a host of fictitious after-school commitments, Blaine is away from home as much as he had been before Kurt left, if not a little more. In some ways it's a relief, being away from Tom that often, but in other ways it makes things harder for him too. Tom has gotten so ambivalent to Blaine's presence at home that he doesn't even get worked up if Blaine is gone for the night without calling him. One time Blaine didn't go home for 4 days, choosing to go to one house party after another instead. When he gets in, he's pretty sure his dad didn't even notice he was gone.
Sometimes Blaine thinks back to October, when Tom thought Blaine was thinking of running and beat Blaine until he was sobbing to make sure he didn't try anything. Now Blaine doesn't know if Tom would even notice if he did leave. Everything is changing so much and so quickly that Blaine sometimes wonders if maybe this is the beginning of the end. Maybe Tom has had enough and doesn't want to be bothered anymore. The days when Blaine lets himself think this way are the days he goes back home. Sometimes he even finds himself initiating the sex, if it doesn't seem like Tom is interested. He hates himself for it so much, but he doesn't know what he'll do if his dad stops caring.
***
It starts with dreams. At first, they're so innocuous that Blaine doesn't even realize he's having them, or what they mean when he remembers them. He will chalk it up to something he ate or watched on TV, or a particularly bad night with his Dad. He actually likes the dreams initially. They make him feel happy and safe. To be honest, they make him feel the way he always feels when he's with Kurt.
He's never really dreamt about a person before, at least not vividly. Sometimes he has nightmares about his first year living with Tom that are so terrifying there was a period of time they made him wet the bed, something which disgusted him and infuriated Tom. They're the strangest dreams Blaine has ever had, and he would be hard-pressed to explain why they are scary, or even how he can tell what they're about.
They're a larger than life canvas that Blaine is trapped inside of, covered in dark oppressive browns and reds, that suck the light away from Blaine before it can touch him. They're angry violent bursts of rust and copper, that smell like fear and blood and leave Blaine screaming. They swim and dance in front of him as his body relives the past, moment by moment, nothing forgotten but everything hidden behind the canvas, like he's being attacked by invisible monsters. Now one reaches out and grabs hold of his leg, and there is deep, bilious brown leaping out and clawing at him. Now another one is pulling him down under its weight and everything hurts so bad he's scared to breathe. Pulsing black-red.
Ms. Pillsbury, the guidance counsellor at McKinley told him once that people only dream in black and white. She had been trying to get him to come to an epiphany about why he felt the need to "smoke doobies" at his former school. He was still smoking at this school, of course but no one seemed to have noticed. He thought about the browns and reds after he left her office and wondered if his dreams would be better or worse in pitch black. He still can't decide.
Other times he dreams about his real parents, his first parents. He can't see their faces anymore, waking or sleeping, only a blank space where there should be features, and their voices are inarticulate and fuzzy, like he's hearing them through water. Still, sometimes he dreams that he feels his father's hand in his, leading him through a crowded hallway, senses a big presence looking back at him to make sure he's keeping up.
Sometimes he dreams about his mother kissing him on the forehead at bedtime, or her arms around him and the smell of her when she would stop to give him a hug. Sometimes he is sitting outside a room listening to her cry, and when he looks inside her head is buried in his father's shoulder as he gently strokes her hair and murmurs soft sounds into her ear. She's crying because she just found out her father died. Blaine doesn't know why he still remembers this. How he can remember the sound of tears and the reason behind them when he can't even remember what her smile looked like.
Blaine hates dreams about them more than the ones about Tom and the colours. The colours are nothing more than pain and sensory overload. They're horrible, but they don't matter either. The more Blaine dreams about his parents the further away from him they slip. He remembers that they didn't always used to be so hazy, but every time he looks at them and tries to ask them a real question, to break away from the memory and actually reach them, they always pull away, shaking their heads and floating backwards like ghosts as he runs to catch up to them, even though he knows he never will. And the next time he dreams, he's forgotten how his father used to crinkle his nose up when he'd laugh, or how his mother tilted her head when she was answering the phone. Like his unwillingness to let them go is slowly breaking apart what he has left into pieces.
When he starts to dream about Kurt, it's something new. Nothing bad touches him in a dream that has Kurt in it. When he dreams about Kurt, there is literally no one else in the world. His dad never was and there are no parents to forget and be forgotten by. It's just him and Kurt, walking in a park, or helping each other with their homework in oddly empty classrooms.
Blaine wakes up after the nights he dreams about Kurt feeling happy, which is his first tip off that he's dreaming about something new in the first place. He's never woken up smiling before. His first instinct the first time it happens is a full out panic attack as he tries to sift through the memories of his dreams the previous night and remember what made him feel this way. He has the soul-shattering feeling that he must have been dreaming about his parents, only it was the kind of dream he always wants to have about them and never gets, where he remembers something new or they say something to the Blaine that is here now instead of the memory that they knew. Maybe they apologised and told him how sorry they were and he'll never remember it. He knows it's stupid, that a dream is just a dream, but Blaine can't help it. It matters to him so much.
His anxiety about the dream lasts until he's halfway to school and his thoughts are interrupted by a text message from Kurt:
Kurt: Sent 7:48 AM
Ugh. Some mornings I want to throw this stupid blazer out the window. The same thing day after day after day and all this retina-searing red piping? I feel like a sad clown.
Blaine laughs as he leans against the nearest tree to type an answer, deciding his teachers will be able to handle it if he's a few minutes late.
Blaine: Sent 7:51 AM
You've sent me pictures, Kurt. I know you don't look like a sad clown in your blazer. You look dapper. I promise. If it was ME in it, though...
Kurt's response is quick, and Blaine can almost hear the high soft laugh accompanying the words.
Kurt: Sent 7:52 AM
Only because of your white boy afro. You'd look like Ronald McDonald's bastard brother.
Blaine: Sent 7:53 AM
Why do I have 2 b the bastard? HE'S the one with red hair.
Kurt: Sent: 7:55 AM
It works differently in clown families, Blaine. Doesn't your brother tell you anything?
They text back and forth a while longer. Blaine is 15 minutes late but not too bothered by it. It doesn't even occur to him until well into his 3rd period that his mind has been too full of Kurt to worry about a single thing, ever since that first text came in.
***
The first time he remembers a Kurt Dream (as he's started to mentally refer to them), they're talking on the phone and Blaine can hear him smiling as he tells a joke. Then suddenly he's in the house with Blaine, and the house is so full of everything Kurt that there's no room for Tom inside of it anymore.
It's not like Kurt somehow muscles his dad out the door, or stands up to him and demands that he get out and stay out. It's only that when Kurt magically shows up in the living room midsentence, no longer on the phone but right in front of him, Kurt is the only thing that matters. He doesn't care about Tom, doesn't even think about him. He's not jumpy at the idea of being in his dad's space without knowing where his dad is, because it's not his dad's space anymore. It's like his dad was never there at all. All there is is Kurt, talking about his day and explaining why Wes has a memorial set up in the common area with Charles Lindbergh at the centre.
Blaine wakes up and for a fraction of a second, Kurt is still there with him, pushing away reality and making him forget where he is. It's not exactly a good feeling when he hears his dad yelling at him to get a move on before he's late again, but Blaine finds himself thinking back to how amazing he felt for that one moment throughout the rest of the day, and somehow everything seems better. He doesn't even care when Puck tells him how creepy he looks with a smile on his face when they're getting high at the far corner of the school grounds together. He just smiles harder and flips Puck off, lazily, and the grin Puck shoots at him proves that Puck's not that disturbed by it at all.
***
Looking back on it, Blaine is kind of an idiot. Anyone with half a brain should have been able to sort out what's starting to happen, what's probably been happening ever since he first laid eyes on Kurt Hummel, but Blaine's always been stupid about his feelings. He finds his life is easier to deal with if he doesn't spend too much time analyzing how every little thing makes him feel and usually that works well for him, but not on this particular morning, when the reality of his emotions all come crashing down on him at once, causing a physical jolt of fear that feels something like pain surging through his body.
He's woken up with an erection.
The weird thing is, the only part of the dream Blaine can remember are the last few moments, so he doesn't exactly know what it is his mind came up with for him and Kurt to do, but he knows that on some level there has to have been sex, because what he does remember is so vivid he can't pretend there was anything else that could have been happening.
They're lying down on a bed, somewhere outside - illogical settings never matter much in dreams, so neither of them are questioning it. They're also naked, with the covers off. Kurt is looking at him, not exactly like he wants to throw Blaine back on the bed and have his way with him or anything, but like he's cataloguing every part of Blaine, memorizing it in that lazy way that suggests that he's not in a hurry to get anything started because they've already finished. Blaine feels tired and completely relaxed, rolled into Kurt's side and halfway dozing with his head on Kurt's chest as he looks up at the stars.
Normally Blaine can't handle being naked. His dad sometimes takes his clothes as a form of punishment, and will make Blaine stand against the wall as he just stares at him until Blaine breaks down, slapping Blaine hard if Blaine tries to look anywhere but into Tom's eyes. His dad says it's a sign of how much Blaine still needs him, of how emotionally stunted Blaine is, that even now all it takes for Blaine to completely lose his composure and self-respect is a few minutes in a room with another person without the comfort of a pair of underwear.
"It just proves how much you need me, Blaine," He always tells him. "You're pathetic. You do what I tell you because without me you're too weak to survive in the real world. You need me and you will obey me."
Blaine will nod, or gasp out a yes, or sometimes even get down on his hands and knees and crawl over to Tom begging, if he's been standing there long enough. Anything to get Tom to agree that he doesn't have to be on display anymore.
But in his dream, everything is different. Instead of curling up into a tight little ball and trying to forget there's someone else in the bed with him, Blaine almost feels drunk with satisfaction, and he finds he's wishing that he could somehow get closer to Kurt, even though he's still sprawled out on top of him. He feels connected and doesn't want that feeling to fade.
"You're amazing," Kurt is telling him. "I love you."
He pauses a minute before smiling and adding,
"I love saying that."
Blaine smiles back at him.
"I love you too," he says. "I love this."
They're silent again as Blaine looks back up at the stars. After a minute Kurt laughs a little and asks,
"Do you know where Ursa Major is?"
Blaine does, pointing it out and murmuring, "Dad showed me," even though that's not true. Blaine is certain Tom couldn't care less about the constellations and their names.
It doesn't matter though, because Kurt is chuckling and as he reaches out to grab hold of Blaine's pointing hand and wind their fingers together, and he starts to tell Blaine the story of when his dad tried to take him camping in the 5th grade so they could bond.
"Everyone at the shop was joking about it when they didn't think I was listening," he says. "They thought we wouldn't last a night. There was a betting pool and everything."
"What happened?" Blaine asks, even though he knows. He's heard this story a hundred times. He could hear it a hundred more.
"We didn't last a single night," Kurt laughs. "Dad couldn't catch any fish and I wouldn't let him kill mine. Then he burnt the hell out of the wieners and beans, threw his back out trying to pitch the tent, and forgot to hang the leftovers from the tree because even though we wouldn't touch them, the bears weren't as picky."
He's just getting to the part where he lectures his father's employees about wildlife safety in front of an embarrassed Burt when the alarm rings, and suddenly life is a lot more complicated.
***
It's time for some serious damage control, Blaine decides. He's not entirely sure what exactly that is going to entail, but figures not checking 10 times to see if Kurt's texted him before breakfast is definitely a good way to start. Avoidance quickly becomes the watchword.
As it turns out, Blaine is exceptionally good at pretending Kurt doesn't exist. He acts like he can't hear the steady stream of beeping coming from his phone over the next few days, as he steadfastly pretends that there are no text messages coming to him from a boy he's started to have wet dreams about. Because there is no boy like that in Blaine's life, thanks very much. When the sounds slow down to a trickle before completely stopping a few days later, he resolutely does not think about whether the non-existent boy sending them is scared, or angry, or confused, or if he simply has decided he doesn't care anymore. That Blaine isn't worth the bother. And even if Kurt doesn't care now, okay, because Blaine doesn't care either. Things are better this way.
Because really, Blaine won't live in Lima, Ohio forever. He and Tom could pack up and take off at a moment's notice. They've already been there longer than normal, because Tom doesn't want to leave his job at the plant. But that won't last forever, because God knows Tom has never been good at settling down in one place, no matter how well he's being paid. For Blaine to get so attached to another person is a terrible idea, and it won't end well for either of them, so when you come right down to it, Blaine is doing both himself and Kurt a favour.
That sort of thinking helps Blaine believe he's doing the right thing, but it certainly doesn't make doing it any easier. He still can't control what he dreams about, after all. No amount of pretending Kurt is a figment of his imagination can change what his brain decides to do with that figment when he goes to sleep at night. In fact, it's almost like his brain is punishing him for trying to force Kurt out of it while he's awake, and his near mindless terror over falling for a guy doesn't seem to be helping things, either.
It's not that Blaine's ever found girls especially attractive before now. In fact he's never really looked at anyone that way at all. He's just always assumed that when he did start to pay more attention, that attention would be directed to the opposite sex. Honestly that would be bad enough, but falling for Kurt also carries an undertone of something dirty and wrong with it.
He has trouble articulating what this undertone is until the night we wakes up from yet another dream in which he found himself languidly kissing the other boy like they had all the time in the world. In the other room, his father's room, he can hear the sounds of a TV softly playing. It makes him feel ill. Kurt has no place in Blaine's life. Kurt is good and innocent. There's no room for him in this house, not unless Blaine is willing to destroy what makes Kurt so perfect and rob him of that innocence, something he refuses to do.
Still, he supposes a sort of withdrawal period is only to be expected. Up until a few days ago, Blaine has been perfectly happy to set Kurt up as the centre of his life, so when he pushes Kurt back out, of course it's going to feel like something is missing.
Apparently Kurt is feeling that lack too, in spite of the absence of any new text messages, and Blaine soon realizes that Kurt hasn't given up so much as he's changed tactics. It's interesting to Blaine to see how many people still have Kurt's back at McKinley, even though he doesn't go there anymore. There are a lot of people who still care about him and his happiness, some of whom would be as surprising to Kurt as they are to Blaine, Blaine is certain. He almost finds it unfortunate that he can't tell Kurt about some of the random people who are trying to defend his honour at being inexplicably dumped by one of his closest friends. The weirdest one is easily Brett the stoner of all people, who turns to him abruptly behind the school one day and says,
"Dude, are you, like, mad at that gay kid?"
Some days Blaine isn't convinced Brett even knows what school he's attending, so hearing these words come out of his mouth automatically makes him suspicious.
"What are you talking about?" He asks.
"That skinny gay kid, dude," Brett says, squinting like that will somehow help him remember. "He's, like, skinny and sounds like a girl? He's lost it, man. I think it's your fault, too."
"How do you even know this? You can't even remember his name," Blaine demands, glancing around, trying to see who put Brett up to this.
Instead, Brett gives him a look that Blaine can only describe as honest-to-god hurt before he says,
"Hey, we're friends. What, do you think he's better than me or something?"
Blaine deflates a little and backs down.
"Sorry," he says. "I guess I just didn't know you two talked."
Brett isn't paying attention any more though, as he squints off into the distance.
"I mean," he says. "I think we're friends. He called my house, so he's gotta be, right?"
"Why did he phone you?" Blaine wonders.
"Wanted to talk to you," Brett shrugs. "He thought you might be there. You weren't though. I checked."
A little later the same day, Blaine is cornered by Puck and Finn. This isn't too strange, and he supposes they would have gotten to him before Brett did if Blaine had actually bothered to go inside the school that day.
"Why are you mad at Kurt?" Finn demands, marching angrily up to Blaine as he waits for a bus, wondering where he'll go for the evening.
"Hi Finn," Blaine says sarcastically. "Nice to see you, too."
"Answer the question, Brenner," Puck says, looking as angry as Finn does and substantially more intimidating. "What's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," Blaine says, trying not to cringe at the irony. "Just because I'm not in the mood to talk to him anymore doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. I don't have to be friends with someone if I don't want to be, and I don't remember anyone dying and putting you two in charge of my social life."
Finn looks like he wants to punch him, or at least punch something as he says,
"I don't get it. Kurt's been nothing but a great friend to you and now you're just dropping him without even an explanation? I thought you were a better person than that."
"I'm really not," Blaine says.
"I can't believe I thought you were cool for a stoner," Puck says in utter disgust. "Kurt deserves better than you anyway. He doesn't need you and your bullshit."
"I know," Blaine says, and the bus pulls to a stop in front of him and he climbs inside. He wonders if Kurt knows Puck cares about him at all.
***
Over the next few days it seems like everyone in glee club takes their turn at him. Tina and Mike, who are probably the nicest people Blaine has ever met, look at him like he's something unpleasant they just walked in and literally turn and go the other way when they see him in the hallway.
Rachel starts following him from class to class, lecturing nonstop about the importance of friendship and how healthy relationships in high school help prepare you for the real world and "if you can't appreciate Kurt for the person that he is, you will be a failure your whole life and honestly Blaine, what is your problem?"
Santana casually tells him that she could kill him and no one would ever find his body and Artie just shakes his head at him sadly, saying,
"I can't believe I let you talk to me about Half-Life, man."
It's when he notices that Lauren doesn't insult him anymore that Blaine starts to realize just how big a deal this is to all of New Directions. He never thought he'd see a situation where Lauren didn't resort to caustic remarks to make her point, but now she just looks at him coldly and says,
"You're not even worth my time anymore, Brenner."
After that she refuses to even look him in the eye.
Mercedes is even worse. She sits down next to him in the cafeteria one day and quietly says,
"He just wants to know if it's something he did."
"He asked you to ask me that?" Blaine says, because that doesn't sound like something Kurt would do.
"No," Mercedes admits. "But I know that's what he wants to know. I know Kurt, Blaine. So do you. We both know how important his friends are. He's not even mad at you, even though the rest of us keep telling him he should be. He's just worried. He's worried that he hurt you somehow, and he wants to know what he can do to make things right."
"He can't do anything," Blaine says, and he feels so tired. "I just...I can't be around him anymore. I don't have a good reason, but it's nothing he did. There's nothing he can fix."
"So that's it?" Mercedes says. "This is how you treat your friends?"
"I've never been very good at the friend thing," Blaine says. "I'm not trying to hurt him, okay? Please tell him I don't want to hurt him."
"You're too late for that," Mercedes says before she gets up and walks away. After that she doesn't look at him again, either.
To Part Four B| To Masterpost
Author: firefly_ca
Pairing,Character(s): Kurt/Blaine, with eventual appearances from pretty much everyone
Rating: NC-17 for disturbing themes, scenes, etc.
Word Count: Part four is 18K. Um, new record?
Spoilers: All of S2
Summary: AU. Blaine Anderson hasn't been Blaine Anderson for 8 years. He doesn't remember much about his old family and his life before he moved in with the man he calls his father. Together they move from town to town, always drifting before Blaine can get too familiar with his surroundings. Then one day they end up in Lima, Ohio, and Blaine finds himself questioning everything he thought he knew.
A/N: Just for the record? Rachel giving the Barbra treatment to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" has been at the top of my wishlist for this show ever since I heard about David Grohl make the perfectly legitmate statement that Glee would never be able to do service to one of his songs. Because I have a sick mind and that's just how it works.
All things considered, Kurt shipping himself off to Westerville could have turned out a lot worse for Blaine. He's by no means happy about the development, but if nothing else it helps Blaine to see that he's not as alone in this town as he once thought he was.
Even with Kurt hours away from him, they still talk to each other most nights on the phone. Kurt is having a little trouble adapting to a life of uniforms and conformity, and he's not sure what to make of the stuffy atmosphere that is Dalton Academy.
"Even their glee club is a lot more restrictive than I thought it would be," He admits one evening. "The first time I saw them all I knew was that they sang fun, happy songs, and that it made them the coolest kids in the school. Now that I'm here it's a little horrifying to see how very...Rachel Berry they are about what they do."
Kurt is not even a bona fide performing member of the club yet, at least not officially. He is fortunate enough to have bonded with two of the three council members of the Warblers, which means that they were willing to bend the rules for him when arrived at the school mid-semester.
"Normally it's against their policy to let someone join the group so close to a major competition," he says. "They made an exception for me. I had to audition to prove I could carry my weight, but I won't be performing for sectionals. Even if I were I'd just be swaying in the background anyhow. It's not like I'm headlining at the Met."
"He hates it," Blaine observes to Mercedes the next day while they're comparing notes. "He's trying to keep an open mind about everything, but he can't handle private school diplomacy after all the time he's spent with you guys and your constant anarchies."
"We're only like that when we need a break from Rachel solos or Mr. Schue's 80s catalogue," Mercedes says. "But you have a point. I was telling him about our latest Rachel Rebellion and he sounded so homesick."
They make their first of many trips down to Westerville that week, spending many hours helping Kurt decorate his dorm room when they ought to be doing homework. Blaine is surprised by how much fun it is to be around Mercedes. She is a constant stream of chatter and gossip, full of information that shocks Blaine in its triviality and inanity. It is shallow and pointless and almost white noise, but it is also fun. Mercedes has really let her guard down now that Kurt is no longer there to fuss over, and Blaine is starting to see why Kurt values her friendship. He knows that their friendship is based on a lot more than Mercedes' superficial qualities, but he's secretly glad she's not so close to him, because he loves how uncomplicated his world becomes when he talks to her. Some people watch TV and go to the movies to escape their lives, some people read, and others write bad poetry. Blaine just has to take a drive with Mercedes out to Westerville.
She's not the only member of New Directions he gets closer to, either. He maintains his pseudo-friendships with Artie and Puck, even after he flat out refuses Puck's invitations, pleas, demands, and eventual threats to join glee club in Kurt's place, and he continues to talk with Brittany and Santana, who seem to like hanging out with him at parties.
"You're the best boy," Brittany tells him one day. "All the others just want to make out, or trick me into flashing my boobs. You let us play with your hair and talk about important issues. You're the best."
Blaine loves that Brittany thinks "important issues" are things like which My Little Pony is the most likely to kill a dwarf, or whether her hair accessories have feelings. He could genuinely listen to her talk forever and never get tired of it. He suspects that Santana loves listening to her best friend's chatter as much as he does, if not more so, and she seems to be happy to extend her seal of approval to anyone who doesn't look at Brittany like she's brain damaged.
While these friendships are nice, they're not too surprising, since he was on speaking terms with most of these people anyhow. More unexpected are the conversations he starts having with Kurt's eventual New Directions replacement Lauren Zizes and Rachel Berry. They are, apparently, the weirdest people Blaine has ever met, and Blaine now knows a girl who thinks that diabetes is a superpower, so that's saying something.
The thing with Lauren starts out when she stomps her way over to him one day during a study period and barks,
"Brenner, Imma kick your ass for ruining my AV cred, you jackass."
"Excuse me?" Blaine says.
"What's wrong with singing and dancing?" She demands. "Doesn't everyone love singing and dancing? Why do you think you're better than the little people?"
"I...don't know what you're talking about," Blaine finally says, trying to stay out of swinging distance but not sure he succeeds, since he's heard Lauren has a crazy long reach.
"Don't play dumb with me, Brenner," she says. "I've heard all about how you thought you were too good for glee club, even though your little friend with the chick voice lived for it. Now you've just abandoned them in their hour of need? The one thing Kurt truly loved about McKinley High? That's low, Brenner. You've really let everyone down."
"But...I thought you were the replacement for Kurt?" Blaine asks, uncertainly. He tries to subtly look around to see if there is anyone around who might be interested in helping him. Not a single person is looking their direction, the dirty cowards.
"Yeah, I am," Lauren spits. "Maybe you don't understand. I run AV Club, Brenner. Having to join the glee club is like holding an assembly to announce that I have a sex with clowns fetish. Like, actual mimes who act out orgasms instead of having them. It's humiliating, and as president of one of the most feared clubs in school, I feel I deserve better."
"Then why did you join?" Blaine can sense he is playing with fire here, but he doesn't know what else to say.
"Because Puckerman made out with me," Lauren explodes and okay, wow. "He's like a little mohawked lapdog just waiting for someone to tell him what to do, and it just so happens that literally leading a jock through the halls of a school by a leash is, like, number two on my bucket list."
"So it sounds like this may end well for you," Blaine says, and he wonders why he's not more surprised that Puck has decided to fall for Lauren. "Why are you mad at me?"
"Jock or not, I'm still stuck in glee club," Lauren says. "And it's either because you suck or it's because I suck. Out of the two options which do you think is more likely?"
Blaine acquiesces, and before he knows it, every time he sees her in the halls, he gets another update on the worst thing about glee club.
"You suck because they hook up with each other more than a fish tank full of inbred guppies."
"You suck because Finn can't dance and breathes through his mouth."
"You suck because Sam's bad dye job isn't fooling anyone."
"You suck because today Rachel and Artie thought they could do a successful cover of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' and my ears are still bleeding."
And so it goes. Blaine starts to look forward to her angry attacks, as much as she seems to look forward to giving them. Especially when the tone starts to change.
"You suck because Puck thinks Queen is a legitimate way to tell a girl like me that he likes her."
"You suck because I suddenly care about singing in front of these rejects when we both know from a social standpoint I'd be better off trying to look cool to the janitor."
"You suck because this was never supposed to be so much fun."
Still, for as strange and unexpected as Lauren's interaction with him is, Rachel Berry's is downright bizarre. When he mentions it to Mercedes, she only rolls her eyes and says,
"Yeah. She's been a little lost without Kurt around. I don't think she ever really realized how much their fighting meant to her. I think she's trying to audition new people to fill the void."
Lost really is a good word to describe it. It's not that Rachel has become sad, or angry, or even argumentative; she's just become nervous and, well, clingy. He had no idea that she invested so much of her energy into trying to tell Kurt how to live his life, and he gets the impression she didn't either. Unfortunately Rachel rallies rather quickly and decides to fill this gap by trying to boss someone else around, namely him.
It's not that he hates Rachel or anything - he actually finds her entertaining in a train wreck kind of way - but being the focus of Rachel's determined energy is nothing short of exhausting. He understands why Kurt would sometimes stare listlessly off into space for hours after glee meetings where he would fight with Rachel about song selection, costume details, choreography, and which Barbra musical was the best.
When Rachel sets her sights on making your life more acceptable to her standards you give up peace and quiet and alone time. Blaine has actually taken to hiding from her in the hallways. So far it hasn't worked.
Rachel's main point of concern seems to be Blaine's singing, or rather his lack thereof.
"You can't hide the truth from me any longer, Blaine Brenner," She says, her brow furrowed in complete determination. "Brittany and Puck have both told me they've heard you sing and they both say you are very competent at it. Not joining glee club simply isn't an option for you."
"Rachel," Blaine says, as calmly and firmly as he can. "Like I've told you the last ten times, I don't want to sing in front of people. It's not my thing. I don't like being the centre of attention alright?"
"But you won't be!" Rachel says happily, like she's won something. "Everyone knows that I'm the centre of attention in glee club. We'd be more than happy to let you stand in the back harmonizing. In fact I think it's safe to say we'd prefer it."
"No Rachel."
"But - "
"No."
Blaine supposes he should be flattered. In a way he sort of is. He'll never sing with her, but it's nice to know that for whatever reason she cares enough about him (or at least Kurt) to make the effort, however psychotically terrifying said effort might be.
So far as Kurt's new friends go, Blaine supposes they're nice enough, too. He's a little surprised that Kurt likens them to Rachel at all, since they seem for the most part relaxed and laid back guys. Well, maybe Wes is a little serious, but still very friendly.
"They're different when it's about the Warblers," Kurt explains one day over Skype not long after Blaine has met them during one of his trips to Westerville with Mercedes. Blaine doesn't understand what this means until he meets up with Kurt to go out for coffee a few weeks after the Warblers lost out to New Directions at Sectionals and Wes and David are tagging along with him.
Wes and David are looking more serious than Blaine has ever seen them, and Kurt looks like he's trying very hard not to laugh.
"What's going on?" Blaine asks.
"The council is worried about the future of the Warblers," Kurt says, dryly. "Apparently we have no focus."
"It's not a laughing matter, Kurt," David says in disapproval, and he suddenly sounds like he's giving a high-level job interview, formal and severe. "The Dalton Academy Warblers traditionally have always shone brightest using the strategy of an elected senate operating behind the powerful charisma of a popular figure head."
"What?" Blaine whispers to Kurt.
"They can't find the right lead singer," Kurt clarifies.
"Oh," Blaine says. "Well, do you guys really need one? I mean, New Directions share solos all the time and it works fine for them."
Wes smiles a little tightly at Blaine before saying,
"I don't suppose we should talk about this at all without councilmember Thad here as well, and certainly not in front of a civilian. Maybe we should take this up later, Kurt? I think I remember the things we've discussed well enough to commit them to shorthand so Councilmember Thad can look through them before the next meeting."
Blaine wonders what happened to the guys he found laughing themselves sick in Kurt's dorm room two weeks ago, watching a video of a monkey masturbating in front of a class of kindergarteners. Kurt is giving him an "I told you so" look. Still, Blaine is really growing fond of Kurt's two new friends, quirks and all. He may not like sharing Kurt, but both boys seem to be really invested in making Kurt feel welcome, and Blaine appreciates the way they look out for him, since he isn't there to do it himself anymore.
Between trips up to Dalton, and parties, and a host of fictitious after-school commitments, Blaine is away from home as much as he had been before Kurt left, if not a little more. In some ways it's a relief, being away from Tom that often, but in other ways it makes things harder for him too. Tom has gotten so ambivalent to Blaine's presence at home that he doesn't even get worked up if Blaine is gone for the night without calling him. One time Blaine didn't go home for 4 days, choosing to go to one house party after another instead. When he gets in, he's pretty sure his dad didn't even notice he was gone.
Sometimes Blaine thinks back to October, when Tom thought Blaine was thinking of running and beat Blaine until he was sobbing to make sure he didn't try anything. Now Blaine doesn't know if Tom would even notice if he did leave. Everything is changing so much and so quickly that Blaine sometimes wonders if maybe this is the beginning of the end. Maybe Tom has had enough and doesn't want to be bothered anymore. The days when Blaine lets himself think this way are the days he goes back home. Sometimes he even finds himself initiating the sex, if it doesn't seem like Tom is interested. He hates himself for it so much, but he doesn't know what he'll do if his dad stops caring.
***
It starts with dreams. At first, they're so innocuous that Blaine doesn't even realize he's having them, or what they mean when he remembers them. He will chalk it up to something he ate or watched on TV, or a particularly bad night with his Dad. He actually likes the dreams initially. They make him feel happy and safe. To be honest, they make him feel the way he always feels when he's with Kurt.
He's never really dreamt about a person before, at least not vividly. Sometimes he has nightmares about his first year living with Tom that are so terrifying there was a period of time they made him wet the bed, something which disgusted him and infuriated Tom. They're the strangest dreams Blaine has ever had, and he would be hard-pressed to explain why they are scary, or even how he can tell what they're about.
They're a larger than life canvas that Blaine is trapped inside of, covered in dark oppressive browns and reds, that suck the light away from Blaine before it can touch him. They're angry violent bursts of rust and copper, that smell like fear and blood and leave Blaine screaming. They swim and dance in front of him as his body relives the past, moment by moment, nothing forgotten but everything hidden behind the canvas, like he's being attacked by invisible monsters. Now one reaches out and grabs hold of his leg, and there is deep, bilious brown leaping out and clawing at him. Now another one is pulling him down under its weight and everything hurts so bad he's scared to breathe. Pulsing black-red.
Ms. Pillsbury, the guidance counsellor at McKinley told him once that people only dream in black and white. She had been trying to get him to come to an epiphany about why he felt the need to "smoke doobies" at his former school. He was still smoking at this school, of course but no one seemed to have noticed. He thought about the browns and reds after he left her office and wondered if his dreams would be better or worse in pitch black. He still can't decide.
Other times he dreams about his real parents, his first parents. He can't see their faces anymore, waking or sleeping, only a blank space where there should be features, and their voices are inarticulate and fuzzy, like he's hearing them through water. Still, sometimes he dreams that he feels his father's hand in his, leading him through a crowded hallway, senses a big presence looking back at him to make sure he's keeping up.
Sometimes he dreams about his mother kissing him on the forehead at bedtime, or her arms around him and the smell of her when she would stop to give him a hug. Sometimes he is sitting outside a room listening to her cry, and when he looks inside her head is buried in his father's shoulder as he gently strokes her hair and murmurs soft sounds into her ear. She's crying because she just found out her father died. Blaine doesn't know why he still remembers this. How he can remember the sound of tears and the reason behind them when he can't even remember what her smile looked like.
Blaine hates dreams about them more than the ones about Tom and the colours. The colours are nothing more than pain and sensory overload. They're horrible, but they don't matter either. The more Blaine dreams about his parents the further away from him they slip. He remembers that they didn't always used to be so hazy, but every time he looks at them and tries to ask them a real question, to break away from the memory and actually reach them, they always pull away, shaking their heads and floating backwards like ghosts as he runs to catch up to them, even though he knows he never will. And the next time he dreams, he's forgotten how his father used to crinkle his nose up when he'd laugh, or how his mother tilted her head when she was answering the phone. Like his unwillingness to let them go is slowly breaking apart what he has left into pieces.
When he starts to dream about Kurt, it's something new. Nothing bad touches him in a dream that has Kurt in it. When he dreams about Kurt, there is literally no one else in the world. His dad never was and there are no parents to forget and be forgotten by. It's just him and Kurt, walking in a park, or helping each other with their homework in oddly empty classrooms.
Blaine wakes up after the nights he dreams about Kurt feeling happy, which is his first tip off that he's dreaming about something new in the first place. He's never woken up smiling before. His first instinct the first time it happens is a full out panic attack as he tries to sift through the memories of his dreams the previous night and remember what made him feel this way. He has the soul-shattering feeling that he must have been dreaming about his parents, only it was the kind of dream he always wants to have about them and never gets, where he remembers something new or they say something to the Blaine that is here now instead of the memory that they knew. Maybe they apologised and told him how sorry they were and he'll never remember it. He knows it's stupid, that a dream is just a dream, but Blaine can't help it. It matters to him so much.
His anxiety about the dream lasts until he's halfway to school and his thoughts are interrupted by a text message from Kurt:
Kurt: Sent 7:48 AM
Ugh. Some mornings I want to throw this stupid blazer out the window. The same thing day after day after day and all this retina-searing red piping? I feel like a sad clown.
Blaine laughs as he leans against the nearest tree to type an answer, deciding his teachers will be able to handle it if he's a few minutes late.
Blaine: Sent 7:51 AM
You've sent me pictures, Kurt. I know you don't look like a sad clown in your blazer. You look dapper. I promise. If it was ME in it, though...
Kurt's response is quick, and Blaine can almost hear the high soft laugh accompanying the words.
Kurt: Sent 7:52 AM
Only because of your white boy afro. You'd look like Ronald McDonald's bastard brother.
Blaine: Sent 7:53 AM
Why do I have 2 b the bastard? HE'S the one with red hair.
Kurt: Sent: 7:55 AM
It works differently in clown families, Blaine. Doesn't your brother tell you anything?
They text back and forth a while longer. Blaine is 15 minutes late but not too bothered by it. It doesn't even occur to him until well into his 3rd period that his mind has been too full of Kurt to worry about a single thing, ever since that first text came in.
***
The first time he remembers a Kurt Dream (as he's started to mentally refer to them), they're talking on the phone and Blaine can hear him smiling as he tells a joke. Then suddenly he's in the house with Blaine, and the house is so full of everything Kurt that there's no room for Tom inside of it anymore.
It's not like Kurt somehow muscles his dad out the door, or stands up to him and demands that he get out and stay out. It's only that when Kurt magically shows up in the living room midsentence, no longer on the phone but right in front of him, Kurt is the only thing that matters. He doesn't care about Tom, doesn't even think about him. He's not jumpy at the idea of being in his dad's space without knowing where his dad is, because it's not his dad's space anymore. It's like his dad was never there at all. All there is is Kurt, talking about his day and explaining why Wes has a memorial set up in the common area with Charles Lindbergh at the centre.
Blaine wakes up and for a fraction of a second, Kurt is still there with him, pushing away reality and making him forget where he is. It's not exactly a good feeling when he hears his dad yelling at him to get a move on before he's late again, but Blaine finds himself thinking back to how amazing he felt for that one moment throughout the rest of the day, and somehow everything seems better. He doesn't even care when Puck tells him how creepy he looks with a smile on his face when they're getting high at the far corner of the school grounds together. He just smiles harder and flips Puck off, lazily, and the grin Puck shoots at him proves that Puck's not that disturbed by it at all.
***
Looking back on it, Blaine is kind of an idiot. Anyone with half a brain should have been able to sort out what's starting to happen, what's probably been happening ever since he first laid eyes on Kurt Hummel, but Blaine's always been stupid about his feelings. He finds his life is easier to deal with if he doesn't spend too much time analyzing how every little thing makes him feel and usually that works well for him, but not on this particular morning, when the reality of his emotions all come crashing down on him at once, causing a physical jolt of fear that feels something like pain surging through his body.
He's woken up with an erection.
The weird thing is, the only part of the dream Blaine can remember are the last few moments, so he doesn't exactly know what it is his mind came up with for him and Kurt to do, but he knows that on some level there has to have been sex, because what he does remember is so vivid he can't pretend there was anything else that could have been happening.
They're lying down on a bed, somewhere outside - illogical settings never matter much in dreams, so neither of them are questioning it. They're also naked, with the covers off. Kurt is looking at him, not exactly like he wants to throw Blaine back on the bed and have his way with him or anything, but like he's cataloguing every part of Blaine, memorizing it in that lazy way that suggests that he's not in a hurry to get anything started because they've already finished. Blaine feels tired and completely relaxed, rolled into Kurt's side and halfway dozing with his head on Kurt's chest as he looks up at the stars.
Normally Blaine can't handle being naked. His dad sometimes takes his clothes as a form of punishment, and will make Blaine stand against the wall as he just stares at him until Blaine breaks down, slapping Blaine hard if Blaine tries to look anywhere but into Tom's eyes. His dad says it's a sign of how much Blaine still needs him, of how emotionally stunted Blaine is, that even now all it takes for Blaine to completely lose his composure and self-respect is a few minutes in a room with another person without the comfort of a pair of underwear.
"It just proves how much you need me, Blaine," He always tells him. "You're pathetic. You do what I tell you because without me you're too weak to survive in the real world. You need me and you will obey me."
Blaine will nod, or gasp out a yes, or sometimes even get down on his hands and knees and crawl over to Tom begging, if he's been standing there long enough. Anything to get Tom to agree that he doesn't have to be on display anymore.
But in his dream, everything is different. Instead of curling up into a tight little ball and trying to forget there's someone else in the bed with him, Blaine almost feels drunk with satisfaction, and he finds he's wishing that he could somehow get closer to Kurt, even though he's still sprawled out on top of him. He feels connected and doesn't want that feeling to fade.
"You're amazing," Kurt is telling him. "I love you."
He pauses a minute before smiling and adding,
"I love saying that."
Blaine smiles back at him.
"I love you too," he says. "I love this."
They're silent again as Blaine looks back up at the stars. After a minute Kurt laughs a little and asks,
"Do you know where Ursa Major is?"
Blaine does, pointing it out and murmuring, "Dad showed me," even though that's not true. Blaine is certain Tom couldn't care less about the constellations and their names.
It doesn't matter though, because Kurt is chuckling and as he reaches out to grab hold of Blaine's pointing hand and wind their fingers together, and he starts to tell Blaine the story of when his dad tried to take him camping in the 5th grade so they could bond.
"Everyone at the shop was joking about it when they didn't think I was listening," he says. "They thought we wouldn't last a night. There was a betting pool and everything."
"What happened?" Blaine asks, even though he knows. He's heard this story a hundred times. He could hear it a hundred more.
"We didn't last a single night," Kurt laughs. "Dad couldn't catch any fish and I wouldn't let him kill mine. Then he burnt the hell out of the wieners and beans, threw his back out trying to pitch the tent, and forgot to hang the leftovers from the tree because even though we wouldn't touch them, the bears weren't as picky."
He's just getting to the part where he lectures his father's employees about wildlife safety in front of an embarrassed Burt when the alarm rings, and suddenly life is a lot more complicated.
***
It's time for some serious damage control, Blaine decides. He's not entirely sure what exactly that is going to entail, but figures not checking 10 times to see if Kurt's texted him before breakfast is definitely a good way to start. Avoidance quickly becomes the watchword.
As it turns out, Blaine is exceptionally good at pretending Kurt doesn't exist. He acts like he can't hear the steady stream of beeping coming from his phone over the next few days, as he steadfastly pretends that there are no text messages coming to him from a boy he's started to have wet dreams about. Because there is no boy like that in Blaine's life, thanks very much. When the sounds slow down to a trickle before completely stopping a few days later, he resolutely does not think about whether the non-existent boy sending them is scared, or angry, or confused, or if he simply has decided he doesn't care anymore. That Blaine isn't worth the bother. And even if Kurt doesn't care now, okay, because Blaine doesn't care either. Things are better this way.
Because really, Blaine won't live in Lima, Ohio forever. He and Tom could pack up and take off at a moment's notice. They've already been there longer than normal, because Tom doesn't want to leave his job at the plant. But that won't last forever, because God knows Tom has never been good at settling down in one place, no matter how well he's being paid. For Blaine to get so attached to another person is a terrible idea, and it won't end well for either of them, so when you come right down to it, Blaine is doing both himself and Kurt a favour.
That sort of thinking helps Blaine believe he's doing the right thing, but it certainly doesn't make doing it any easier. He still can't control what he dreams about, after all. No amount of pretending Kurt is a figment of his imagination can change what his brain decides to do with that figment when he goes to sleep at night. In fact, it's almost like his brain is punishing him for trying to force Kurt out of it while he's awake, and his near mindless terror over falling for a guy doesn't seem to be helping things, either.
It's not that Blaine's ever found girls especially attractive before now. In fact he's never really looked at anyone that way at all. He's just always assumed that when he did start to pay more attention, that attention would be directed to the opposite sex. Honestly that would be bad enough, but falling for Kurt also carries an undertone of something dirty and wrong with it.
He has trouble articulating what this undertone is until the night we wakes up from yet another dream in which he found himself languidly kissing the other boy like they had all the time in the world. In the other room, his father's room, he can hear the sounds of a TV softly playing. It makes him feel ill. Kurt has no place in Blaine's life. Kurt is good and innocent. There's no room for him in this house, not unless Blaine is willing to destroy what makes Kurt so perfect and rob him of that innocence, something he refuses to do.
Still, he supposes a sort of withdrawal period is only to be expected. Up until a few days ago, Blaine has been perfectly happy to set Kurt up as the centre of his life, so when he pushes Kurt back out, of course it's going to feel like something is missing.
Apparently Kurt is feeling that lack too, in spite of the absence of any new text messages, and Blaine soon realizes that Kurt hasn't given up so much as he's changed tactics. It's interesting to Blaine to see how many people still have Kurt's back at McKinley, even though he doesn't go there anymore. There are a lot of people who still care about him and his happiness, some of whom would be as surprising to Kurt as they are to Blaine, Blaine is certain. He almost finds it unfortunate that he can't tell Kurt about some of the random people who are trying to defend his honour at being inexplicably dumped by one of his closest friends. The weirdest one is easily Brett the stoner of all people, who turns to him abruptly behind the school one day and says,
"Dude, are you, like, mad at that gay kid?"
Some days Blaine isn't convinced Brett even knows what school he's attending, so hearing these words come out of his mouth automatically makes him suspicious.
"What are you talking about?" He asks.
"That skinny gay kid, dude," Brett says, squinting like that will somehow help him remember. "He's, like, skinny and sounds like a girl? He's lost it, man. I think it's your fault, too."
"How do you even know this? You can't even remember his name," Blaine demands, glancing around, trying to see who put Brett up to this.
Instead, Brett gives him a look that Blaine can only describe as honest-to-god hurt before he says,
"Hey, we're friends. What, do you think he's better than me or something?"
Blaine deflates a little and backs down.
"Sorry," he says. "I guess I just didn't know you two talked."
Brett isn't paying attention any more though, as he squints off into the distance.
"I mean," he says. "I think we're friends. He called my house, so he's gotta be, right?"
"Why did he phone you?" Blaine wonders.
"Wanted to talk to you," Brett shrugs. "He thought you might be there. You weren't though. I checked."
A little later the same day, Blaine is cornered by Puck and Finn. This isn't too strange, and he supposes they would have gotten to him before Brett did if Blaine had actually bothered to go inside the school that day.
"Why are you mad at Kurt?" Finn demands, marching angrily up to Blaine as he waits for a bus, wondering where he'll go for the evening.
"Hi Finn," Blaine says sarcastically. "Nice to see you, too."
"Answer the question, Brenner," Puck says, looking as angry as Finn does and substantially more intimidating. "What's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," Blaine says, trying not to cringe at the irony. "Just because I'm not in the mood to talk to him anymore doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong. I don't have to be friends with someone if I don't want to be, and I don't remember anyone dying and putting you two in charge of my social life."
Finn looks like he wants to punch him, or at least punch something as he says,
"I don't get it. Kurt's been nothing but a great friend to you and now you're just dropping him without even an explanation? I thought you were a better person than that."
"I'm really not," Blaine says.
"I can't believe I thought you were cool for a stoner," Puck says in utter disgust. "Kurt deserves better than you anyway. He doesn't need you and your bullshit."
"I know," Blaine says, and the bus pulls to a stop in front of him and he climbs inside. He wonders if Kurt knows Puck cares about him at all.
***
Over the next few days it seems like everyone in glee club takes their turn at him. Tina and Mike, who are probably the nicest people Blaine has ever met, look at him like he's something unpleasant they just walked in and literally turn and go the other way when they see him in the hallway.
Rachel starts following him from class to class, lecturing nonstop about the importance of friendship and how healthy relationships in high school help prepare you for the real world and "if you can't appreciate Kurt for the person that he is, you will be a failure your whole life and honestly Blaine, what is your problem?"
Santana casually tells him that she could kill him and no one would ever find his body and Artie just shakes his head at him sadly, saying,
"I can't believe I let you talk to me about Half-Life, man."
It's when he notices that Lauren doesn't insult him anymore that Blaine starts to realize just how big a deal this is to all of New Directions. He never thought he'd see a situation where Lauren didn't resort to caustic remarks to make her point, but now she just looks at him coldly and says,
"You're not even worth my time anymore, Brenner."
After that she refuses to even look him in the eye.
Mercedes is even worse. She sits down next to him in the cafeteria one day and quietly says,
"He just wants to know if it's something he did."
"He asked you to ask me that?" Blaine says, because that doesn't sound like something Kurt would do.
"No," Mercedes admits. "But I know that's what he wants to know. I know Kurt, Blaine. So do you. We both know how important his friends are. He's not even mad at you, even though the rest of us keep telling him he should be. He's just worried. He's worried that he hurt you somehow, and he wants to know what he can do to make things right."
"He can't do anything," Blaine says, and he feels so tired. "I just...I can't be around him anymore. I don't have a good reason, but it's nothing he did. There's nothing he can fix."
"So that's it?" Mercedes says. "This is how you treat your friends?"
"I've never been very good at the friend thing," Blaine says. "I'm not trying to hurt him, okay? Please tell him I don't want to hurt him."
"You're too late for that," Mercedes says before she gets up and walks away. After that she doesn't look at him again, either.
To Part Four B| To Masterpost