Waiting for a Happy Ending - Part Four C
Title: Waiting for a Happy Ending
Author: firefly_ca
Pairing,Character(s): Kurt/Blaine, with appearances by Stevie and the Evans family, the Andersons, and large swaths of Glee clubbers (New Directions and Warblers)
Rating: NC-17 for disturbing themes, scenes, etc.
Word Count: TBD - Part 4 is 26K
Spoilers: All of S2, up to 3x05
Summary: AU. Blaine Anderson lived under another name for almost nine years with an abusive man he was forced to pretend was his father. He always thought his own family had given up on him, but now that he's found out the majority of his life was spent believing a lie, he has to try to reconcile the life he had with the life that was taken away from him. Sequel to Looking for a Happy Ending.
Note: Huge thanks to my betas LoonyLevicorpus and callmerayray for taking the fic and trying to help me avoid stupid typos and things that make no sense this time around. Any mistakes you find are all from last-minute edits I made before I posted. Because sometimes I can't leave good enough alone.
AN - Huge thanks goes out to my Tumblr people for helping me brainstorm cartoon characters. The ones I used came from them, and you can read all of their awesome suggestions here. I'm sure you all know it, but if any of you are in the mood for a little Disney, here's the relevant song referred to in that scene. You know you love it :D
And Kurt's roommate, for those of you are interested, is the written as an improbably intelligent combination of two Ryan Hansen characters: Dick from Veronica Mars and Kyle from Party Down.
"God I'm glad you're not a zombie now," Quinn greets as she pushes past Blaine into his room.
"And I'm glad your hair isn't pink anymore," Blaine says, as he turns around to follow her in and push the door shut just slightly. He doesn't close it the entire way, not ready to do anything that might encourage her to stay long.
He had been planning on going downstairs to watch something embarrassingly immature with Cynthia until Kurt called to say he was finished his emergency shift at the garage where he was covering for a sick mechanic, but he's not prepared to deal with Quinn's scorn when she discovers watching cartoons with his sister has become a regular thing. Her hair might be back to its perfect little rich girl blonde, but she's hardly the pleasant, polite, do unto others girl she always pretended to be last year, either. She might keep up the happy, back-on-her-feet attitude for most people these days, but for Blaine she seems perfectly happy to drop the act.
Blaine is happy enough to give her the opportunity to be honest with herself every now and then, because he knows how draining it can be to pretend everything is perfect when it's not, but the upshot is that these days it's almost maddening just to say hello to her, because now that he's the only person she doesn't lie to, the conversation inevitably turns towards Beth and how much Quinn wants her back. Having Shelby teach at McKinley isn't helping things, either.
The longer Quinn is close to her daughter the worse she becomes, and the crazier her plotting gets. There had been a brief window of time when Puck, likely harbouring dreams of a forming a big happy family for Beth, had been willing to placate Quinn and listen to her plans, probably because he thought she would get past it. Even he's given up on her now, unable to handle the intensity of her campaign to destroy Shelby's life and retrieve her daughter. One time when he's over visiting Blaine, he actually climbs out a window when he sees her car pull up in the driveway.
"Tell her I'm not here and that you're borrowing my truck," he hisses before making a break for the back alley. Blaine has no idea how he manages to get back to Lima, but he's very obviously on his own when it comes to Quinn, and now that he's slowly losing some of the tunnel vision that up until now has only let him focus on his own problems, it's getting harder and harder to listen to the things she says without wanting to slap her.
Proving his point perfectly, Quinn barely takes the time to throw her coat on the bed before she turns around and triumphantly announces,
"It's official! Shelby is an unfit mother. I just came from her house to make sure everything was properly set up."
"What are you talking about?" Blaine asks, already sorry that he's going to have to hear an answer.
"I've planted some things in her house," Quinn says, smiling. "Baby Botox, books about Satanism, pornography, that sort of thing. I'm going to call Child Protective Services right now so they can take Beth away and give her to her real mother."
"She's with her real mother right now," Blaine says.
It's nothing he hasn't told her before, but maybe it carries more weight when he is able to say it when he's not drowning in his own problems, because for a moment Quinn looks completely betrayed before she pulls herself together enough to snarl,
"Fuck you."
Blaine just sighs and looks at her a little helplessly before saying,
"Fine, you want to do this that way? You're a menace right now, Quinn. I'm saying that out of love, but it's true. It's like you've lost all grasp of reality. Satanism and pornography? Really? That's not proof of unfit parenting, it's proof you were raised in a bubble of Christian moral panic. And do you really think framing the lady who adopted your daughter is going to guarantee you get her back and she's not just going to get adopted out again? She's not your kid anymore, Quinn. It doesn't work like that."
Quinn opens her mouth, and Blaine thinks maybe she's going to try to defend her actions even now, but she never gets a chance before they're both interrupted his mother's voice coming from his doorway,
"You're making false accusations to the authorities because you think it will get you your daughter back?"
They both look over and see her standing there with Blaine's book bag in her hands and a horrified expression on her face.
"Not yet," Blaine clarifies. "She was going to after she leaves."
"Don't you dare," his mom says, and Blaine has never seen her look at anyone the way she's looking at Quinn right now, like there's a monster in his bedroom instead of a person. Even Quinn looks a little intimidated, but she purses her lips together and gets a determined look on her face before saying,
"I never had a chance to be a mother. Don't you get that? I could have been the best thing that's ever happened to her and Shelby stole her before I had that chance. I've been working hard to get it together and be a good enough person to be Beth's mom, and now I'm ready. You both know I am. Look at me compared to a month ago. I don't drink or smoke now, and I've changed my hair back. I helped Mr. Schue keep the Glee club together when the girls wanted to join Shelby's group. I'm reliable and I take care of things. I deserve Beth."
"You've regressed since last month," Mom snaps, and Blaine has never heard her mad like this before. "Last month I felt sorry for you, because you were a sad screwed-up little girl who wasted her life dreaming about things that she could never have. Now you actually think your dreams are going to become reality. You're delusional, Quinn."
It's like Blaine isn't in the room with them anymore. Quinn is staring at his mother like she's been stabbed and his mother is the one holding the knife. His mother is staring at Quinn with an almost identical expression. Blaine wishes there was a way to run away and hide without either of them noticing, but the doorway is effectively blocked by his mother, and really, if anyone should be leaving it's the two people who are having a fight in someone else's bedroom.
"I thought of all people that you would understand what this is like," Quinn says, her voice shaky. "If anyone knows how much it hurts to have your kids grow up while you can't watch, it's you. Beth needs her mother, just like Blaine needed his. If you had a way to get him back from that man years ago, wouldn't you have taken it? You would have saved him from so much pain."
There's a long pause. Blaine feels like someone has physically hit him.
"You did not just say that," His mother finally says, her anger so intense Blaine sees tears start to fall from her eyes. "Don't you dare compare what happened to my son with what happened to your daughter. Blaine is your friend, Quinn, and it makes me ill to think that you have been sitting here day after day using what happened to him to justify your little fantasy about why every child needs their mother. Beth is going to have a perfect life whether you're in it or not, because Shelby didn't just walk up and take her away from you one day when you lost sight of her. You chose her to be Beth's mother when you didn't want the responsibility. My son grew up with a man who beat him and raped him and treated him like a thing before he treated him like a person. The first few months he was back home, sometimes I'd catch him staring at me, like he couldn't understand the concept of a parent that loved him and didn't hurt him. Beth has been officially recognized as the daughter of a wonderful woman who loves her so much that she's sacrificing her own personal comfort and dreams to try to raise her in an environment where she can see how much three completely different people love her and care for her more than anything else on the planet. Or at least, they should love her more than anything."
Quinn is crying openly now and tries to find the words to defend herself but the most she can manage is a pitiful "I'm not" before Mom cuts her off again.
"I try to give you space when you're in my house, Quinn, because I understand that you're hurting and I know how much Blaine likes you. Up until now I've been able to respect his choice to be friends with you because even though you are rude and self-destructive, I've never seen you try to cross that line where you start to hurt the people around you. But if you even think about calling CPS once you've left this house, I'll report you and tell anyone who listens to me that you should be brought up on every charge that they can possibly hit you with. Giving birth to her doesn't make her yours. A real mother loves her children because they're her children, not because they love her back without questioning why. If you really want someone to think you're worth their time, try not to be such a horrible human being and failing that, look into buying a goldfish."
She catches herself for a minute and takes a deep breath, obviously trying to get herself under control again before she says,
"I think you should leave now, Quinn."
Blaine can't tear his eyes away from her. He didn't even know this side of his mother existed. This tiny angry woman couldn't be further removed from the jokingly optimistic, sunny woman he's been living with since he's come back home. She's so mad that the hand still holding his book bag is trembling violently. Finally a chocked sound from Quinn pulls his attention away from her and in the other direction.
Quinn is still crying, harder now than she had been before, her pretty, practical, good-little-Christian-girl makeup ruined as she determinedly gathers her things into her arms, her face a portrait of humiliation and rage. She's never responded like this when Blaine has told her off before, but then, it's not Blaine she refuses to make eye contact with as she takes off running down the stairs. He can hear his dad try to call to her as the front door slams open and closed.
Mom sinks into the chair slowly, her head in her hands.
"What was that?" Blaine asks.
"I should be sorry," his mom says. "But I'm not. I do not like that girl. She's not a good person, Blaine."
"But she's not a bad person, either," Blaine says, not even sure why he's defending her when he agrees with so much of what his mom said.
"She wants to steal someone's baby," Mom says, shortly. "I'm sorry, but in my mind, it doesn't get much worse than that."
"Mom, look at me," Blaine says, bluntly. "Look at how fucked up I am. I'm pretty sure there are people in the world a lot worse than Quinn."
His mom looks ill as she turns his words over in her head before shaking herself a little and saying,
"How does a girl become so dysfunctional she actively tries to steal a baby? And how is she able to hide that side of herself from so many people so they don't notice?"
"I don't think it was an overnight process," Blaine offers. "And I think Quinn's always been really good at acting like someone she isn't. From the things she's told me, she's had a lot of makeovers over the years. She knows how to get what she wants by changing who she is."
"'What she wants,'" his mother repeats, derisively putting her hands back up to her face. "You mean 'a baby'?"
"No," Blaine says. "You said it before. She doesn't want a baby, she just wants someone. Quinn would be a terrible mother. One day she'd figure out that Beth won't think she's perfect forever, and then she'd run out and get pregnant again so there'd be someone else who did. She doesn't take rejection well, but sometimes I think it's the only thing she understands."
It's strange that despite the shock and discomfort he feels from seeing his mother lose control the way she just did, he also likes that he suddenly feels he can talk to her like she's an equal, like he has a right to tell her his opinion about things, because apparently she doesn't have every answer.
There's a long pause, then he hears a drawn out, hissed "Fuck" come from behind his mother's hands which makes him laugh a little.
"I was too hard on her," she says, her hands dropping into her lap in defeat. "She just hit such a raw nerve when I heard what she was saying. I know I don't show it to you, and maybe I do too good a job at keeping my feelings hidden from you, but every morning when I wake up it still hurts so fucking much that I lost you, even though you came back. I missed you so much, Blaine, and I'll never get your childhood back. Hearing her sounding so proud that she was trying to put another woman through that kind of pain?"
She trails off, and Blaine doesn't know what to tell her, so he reaches out and briefly squeezes her shoulder. He glances out the window and comments,
"Her car is still here. I should go make sure she's not crying in a ball in the driver's seat."
Mom nods but makes no move to get up and follow him. When he looks at her questioningly, she shrugs helplessly.
"Anything I say to her right now will be the opposite of damage control," she says, and Blaine notices how tensely she's still holding herself, so he nods and hurries off downstairs by himself, pausing long enough to grab his shoes in the doorway so he can shove them on when he hits the porch. But when he gets outside, there are voices just beyond the door to his left and he stops dead in his tracks.
Quinn is full-out sobbing like he's never heard her before, but even more jarringly, the soothing voice trying to calm her down belongs to his father. Blaine turns to look and drops his shoes in shock, earning him a distracted glare from his father, even though Blaine doesn't see how he could possibly be held responsible for his actions. Quinn and his father are sitting side-by-side on the porch bench as Quinn heaves out gut-wrenching sobs into his shoulder. It's like an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Dad has an arm wrapped around Quinn and is gently rubbing her arm as the disjointed, near-incoherent words come pouring out of her. Blaine can't make them all out, but he hears enough to figure out this isn't all about Beth: "Daddy" and "she didn't care" and "doesn't see" and "hate" and "scared" and "never enough." Dad is obviously picking up more of it than Blaine is, because he seems to be able to answer back, too quietly for Blaine to hear, but definitely in response to Quinn's words, indicating an actual conversation instead of meaningless reassurance.
Blaine stands watching as his feet grow steadily colder until finally the door opens again and Cynthia pokes her head out to demand,
"What's going on? Blaine, you promised if I left you and Kurt alone yesterday when you were making out that today we'd watch - "
Blaine clamps a hand over her mouth and steers her back inside before she can finish, leaving his shoes where they've fallen. People always accuse him of being brave or whatever, but he will flee the country before he lets Quinn know he watches My Little Pony with his sister. On DVD, no less. He convinces Cynthia that it will be cooler to watch upstairs on the TV in her room, just in case Quinn and Dad get too cold to stay on the porch.
"Why was Quinn sad?" Cynthia asks while Blaine sets up the DVD player.
"Mom yelled at her," Blaine says. "She deserved it, though."
He hesitates a little before asking,
"Which is weirder to you: Quinn crying or Dad being the one to make her feel better?"
"Quinn crying," Cynthia says quickly. "But not that Mom was the one who made her cry. Dad's nicer than Mom is. People always talk to him when they're sad. When you're sad Dad can make you feel better than ice cream. I asked him how once and he told me he's magic. He lies, but he's still nicer than Mom."
"So he just can't talk be bothered to talk to me?" Blaine asks a little bitterly. "Everyone else on the planet he manages to fix, but when it's me it's suddenly too much effort?"
Cynthia shrugs, still too young to get that sometimes a question doesn't have to be answered, when she says,
"Probably. You're pretty weird, Blaine. I always thought you would be cooler when you came back, but now that you're here you spend most of your time trying to get away from us and looking at Dad like you think he's going to start shouting."
"Wow," Blaine says. "Sorry I let you down, I guess."
"I forgive you," Cynthia says politely, because she pulled someone's hair at recess last week and has spent her subsequent detentions being taught about manners. "You're not all bad anymore. You watch a lot of TV with me, which is nice. And you met Quinn first, which is very good because I got to meet her and she's my best friend even if her hair is boring now. And Mom shouts less now that you're back, too, which is the best thing about you."
They're holed up in the bedroom for a few hours before Dad sticks his head in and casually mentions that he's driving Quinn home and Mom will be following behind so that he can get back once Quinn's been safely dropped off. Seeing him standing there talking about helping someone who isn't him like it's the easiest thing in the world sends a spike of resentment through him at first, but then he thinks about how beside herself Quinn was and can't bring himself to begrudge her the support. He nods his understanding and tells them to drive safe, trying not to let himself feel too rattled when the door shuts, leaving him behind.
***
All things considered, Blaine thinks it should be a positive sign that Quinn's meltdown (and his subsequent realization that he still doesn't know his parents at all) hasn't interfered with how badly he's started to want a second chance with Kurt again. The more time that passes, the more he finds he's able to separate his desire for Kurt from all the bad and uncertain things in his day-to-day life. When he thinks about doing things with Kurt, it feels different than before, when he used to crave intimacy as a way of ensuring he's still able to earn his place in Kurt's heart. Now he finds himself staring at Kurt, almost overwhelmed by how much he wants to get closer to him, and take their relationship to a different level, because he doesn't want to miss out on any experience if it's one he can share with Kurt. It opens up an entirely new perspective on sex for him that he finds both frightening and exhilarating.
Unfortunately, Kurt doesn't seem to share these feelings, and has become more resistant than ever to any of the subtle hints and touches that are directed towards him. Not a single encounter happens these days that doesn't end without Kurt putting the brakes on everything, pulling back when Blaine holds him a little too closely as they kiss, softly saying, "No" if Blaine tries to move his hand too far down his hips or back. The refusals always seem to be accompanied by equal parts arousal and fear tangled up in each other and reflected in Kurt's eyes. Blaine starts to worry about what will happen to them if he's created a rift that can't be fixed.
"You seem distracted," Dr. Hong comments halfway through their session. "Are you sure you're we're talking about everything you would like to talk about?"
Blaine shrugs and is quiet for a moment before admitting,
"I would like to talk to you about something, but I don't really want to talk to you like this about it."
"I don't understand what you mean by that," Dr. Hong says.
"Okay," Blaine says, sitting up a little straighter in his chair. "If I tell you what's bothering me, can you not be a professional about it? Like, can you not answer my question by asking me 20? Can you just give me some advice? Because I have a problem and you're the only person who won't think it's weird if I ask."
"I can't really promise to do that without knowing what the question is," Dr. Hong says.
"I can't tell you anything without you promising first," Blaine says. "Because if you don't agree you'll use what I say against me and end up asking questions anyhow. That's just going to make me frustrated."
Dr. Hong smiles at him a little before she says,
"How about we compromise? You ask your weird question, and if I think I need to, I'll ask you a lot of deep, soul-searching questions about it, but only if I have to know the answers before I know what advice I should be giving you."
"Okay," Blaine says slowly. "But you can't crap out and tell me that the only person who can answer my question is me or something stupid like that when I tell you. I need advice, that's why I'm asking."
"Go ahead," says Dr. Hong.
"How do I make my boyfriend believe I want to have sex with him? Like, the sooner the better?"
"You're right," Dr. Hong says. "That's a weird question to be asking. I'm assuming this is an issue for the two of you because of what happened the last time you tried to initiate sex?"
"Well, not the last time I tried," Blaine says. "I've been trying again lately, now that it feels like everything has gotten better, but he's even more sensitive about it now than he was before."
"Because of how you approached it the one time when you became so aggressive about it?"
"Yes," Blaine sighs a little, because she looks so smug right now it makes him want to swear at her a little. "Because of the one time I came on to him for all the wrong reasons and got called on it. Are you happy now?"
"A little," she says. "I'm happy because that story really makes me like your boyfriend."
"But things are different now," Blaine insists. "Before everyone else was right and I wasn't in the right place for it to be okay, but I've gotten so much better."
"Is that why you want to have sex with him?" Dr. Hong asks. "To prove that you've gotten better?"
Blaine bristles a little.
"No," he says, trying hard not to be offended. "This has nothing to do with how I feel about myself. It's about how I feel about Kurt."
"How do you feel about him?"
"I love him."
"Do you want to have sex with him to prove that to him or yourself?"
"These are the sorts of questions I didn't want to have to answer instead of getting real advice," Blaine says.
"The advice is coming," Dr. Hong promises. "I need to ask to decide what the advice is going to be."
"Fine," Blaine says. "I don't want to prove anything to anyone. I love my boyfriend and I want to have sex with him. That's all."
"What's sex?" Dr. Hong asks.
"Are you kidding me right now?" Blaine says, and Dr. Hong laughs a little bit.
"Seriously," she says. "You keep saying that you want to have sex with him. What does that mean exactly? In your opinion, what do you think sex is?"
"I hate you," Blaine says, feeling his face heat up. He's not used to talking with her about sex like this, not when it's about having it with someone he has real feelings for. It's more embarrassing than he expected it to be.
"Sex is... sex. I don't know. I want to be close to him. I've never... done anything with anybody to get closer to them. I've had sex so people stay happy with me, or so I feel like I've earned the right to be with them, but I've never had it to connect with someone before. I want the first person I do that with to be him."
"You can get close to someone without having sex, you know," Dr. Hong says. "A lot of people gain that level of intimacy without ever sleeping with each other at all."
"Yeah," Blaine says, a little slowly, his face getting even redder. "But what if I want to?"
"If you both want to, that's a good thing," Dr. Hong says. "It's hard to give you advice about this because there are no real rules for how it has to happen, Blaine. But if you want to have sex with your boyfriend, and he wants to have sex with you, the best way you can make that happen is to talk to him about it."
"Obviously," Blaine says, frustrated. "But what do I say to make him believe me?"
"Convince him you've thought this through and aren't trying to make decisions based on something unhealthy," she says. "Which brings me back to my other question, what exactly do you think sex is?"
Blaine stares at her silently for a long time before admitting,
"I don't think I understand what you want me to say."
"It's not about what I want you to say, Blaine," Dr. Hong says. "There's no wrong answer. Sex means different things for a lot of people. A lot of people forget that, but if you want proof of it, look at a few sample populations and ask them what they think of as the act that lost them their virginity."
"It's when someone sticks their penis in you," Blaine says, bluntly. "How is that up for debate?"
"Because I lied when I said there was no wrong answer," Dr. Hong says, blithely. "That was sort of the wrong answer, Blaine. Or it was only a small part of the answer. What about lesbians? Do they never have sex with each other because they don't have the proper sex organs? And what's the difference between oral, vaginal, or anal sex? Is there a difference?"
"Oh," Blaine says. "That didn't occur to me."
"I'll be honest with you, Blaine," Dr. Hong says. "A lot of the kids I see have problems when they start having the wrong kind of sex at the wrong time, and they usually do it because they don't realize that their options are options and not just foreplay. To me Kurt seems like a very cautious person, whether he thinks about sex a lot or not, and the impression I get is that he'll be very uneasy about doing anything with you unless he knows you're not getting in over your head. He'll probably feel better if he knows he's not being pushed past his limits, either. I know you care about your boyfriend very much, so he needs to be as comfortable with all of this as you are. Think really carefully before you ask him about it, and be ready to talk to him about what you want and what you don't want in your sex life. Think about your limits and the areas in your past that you still have issues with. Don't be upset if there's something you just don't want to do again, or if there's anything you're interested in but don't want to do yet. Kurt will have parameters, too. You need to know what those are, and why he has them. Kurt will know you're really okay with it if you can show him that you're not making decisions based out of fear or habit."
It sounds like it all makes sense, but it all seems so complicated, too.
"A lot of teenagers just start sleeping together and they're fine," he says, looking at Dr. Hong suspiciously. "This sort of feels like you're giving me homework to trick me into getting better faster."
Dr. Hong actually rolls her eyes at that one. He doesn't entirely blame her.
"Yes, Blaine," she says. "That's it. I'm tricking you into getting better. Look, what I'm telling you now is the stuff that every healthy couple figures out as they develop their sex lives with each other, anyhow. Some couples talk about it, some sort it out as they go along, but every couple in non-destructive partnerships knows and respects the boundaries that are there. If anything, the long list of pre-requisites I just gave you is going to give you an advantage over all those other teenage couples out there who just start sleeping together right away. Benefit from my wisdom and just take my word on it, okay?"
"Fine," Blaine mutters. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," Dr. Hong says. "Now do you want to go back to talking about the trial or do you have any other questions about this?"
Blaine shouldn't be this difficult, especially after she's been so helpful, but sometimes she's so unflappable he can't help himself. He needs to push to see if anything happens.
"What will it mean for the future of our relationship if we fuck each other's brains out and never need to resort to the reach-around?" He asks, trying not to smirk at her. "Are we destined to be together forever or are we just horny teenagers with trigger-finger orgasms?"
Dr. Hong doesn't even blink when she answers,
"I don't know if I'm qualified to give you an answer for that, Blaine, but if you're very worried about it, I've heard the experts on Yahoo Answers can be very informative and reliable when it comes to questions about reach-arounds."
Some days Blaine is really glad that his parents made him keep going to therapy.
***
Blaine doesn't want to spend much time thinking about what he wants in his relationship with Kurt without giving Kurt a chance to do the same, but it still takes him a couple of days to get up enough courage to mention it to him, so he can't help that he already has given it plenty of thought before they talk about it as a couple. In the end, this probably works out for the best, anyhow.
They're in Blaine's room at home, looking at some fashion blog Kurt is way too into. Blaine doesn't understand the draw at all, but he loves seeing how excited Kurt gets about what people are wearing, so he just watches on in silence until the words come out of his mouth almost unbidden.
"If I told you I thought we should be having sex with each other, what would you say?"
Kurt stares at him incredulously for a minute before he manages,
"I'd ask what that has to do with the Louis Vuitton shoes I was just showing you."
"Seriously though," Blaine says, feeling his face heat up a little, because he really is bringing this up out of nowhere. "If I was ready for it, would you be?"
"I don't know," Kurt falters. He's starting to look worried, so Blaine leans over and kisses him softly before saying,
"Don't worry. I'm not going to throw myself on you like before or anything. I don't want our first time to be like that, either. But I want us to have a first time. I'm not broken or scared of sex or anything like that, so why should we act like I am?"
Kurt doesn't look convinced.
"You really freaked me out the last time," he says. "I still don't think you've realized how upsetting it was to see you like that."
"Dr. Hong told me that I have a poor concept of boundaries," Blaine admits. "It was all we talked about for weeks. That doesn't mean I didn't want to sleep with you when I did it, though. I just didn't know what I wanted and I sprang it on you. I'm not saying we need to strip down right now and hop into bed. I just want you to know that I love you, and I think we should think about it."
Kurt doesn't say anything and just stares at the computer monitor blankly so Blaine sighs a little and grudgingly adds,
"And Dr. Hong said that if you're still super freaked about the last time, we could always make sure we both understood what we want and don't want before we try anything."
Kurt looks at him when he hears that.
"Your doctor told you what to say to me?"
Blaine shrugs.
"I didn't want to ruin it again. I promise it's about us this time, Kurt. I don't want it to be about how screwed up I am. This is about what I have with you, not what happened with him. I promise."
Kurt doesn't say anything for a few minutes and goes back to looking at the pictures of fashion models and catwalk footage. Blaine isn't sure what he should do, so after a moment, he settles in again and starts looking over Kurt's shoulder. Finally Kurt looks at him again and says,
"What do you mean, 'if we both understand what we want'? What does that even mean?"
"That we don't have to do everything all at once, or even at all if we're not both into everything," Blaine says.
"So if I don't want to have, um, sex sex with you, you'd honestly be okay with that?"
Kurt looks so nervous waiting for the answer, Blaine feels like kicking himself all over again for how insistent he'd gotten before.
"No, God, that's fine," he says, stammering in his haste to sound supportive. "I didn't even want to do that much the first time, I just sort of thought I was supposed to."
"Right," Kurt says, suddenly looking upset again. "That's why I've been pushing you away lately, Blaine. Do you understand how scary it is to know how easily I could be taking advantage of you because you suddenly latch on to the idea that you're not allowed to say no?"
"No, it's okay, Kurt," Blaine says. "I don't want something stupid like that to ruin what we have either, and apparently I'd be an idiot to pretend it's not a possibility. That's why Dr. Hong thinks we should talk about it before we start."
"So what don't you want to do?" Kurt asks, instantly putting Blaine on the spot.
"I thought we could talk about it together," Blaine says, a little caught off guard at Kurt's abruptness.
"Yeah," Kurt says, slowly. "But you've already thought about this enough to ask your therapist about it, and there's no way you haven't come up with some ideas since then, so why not just tell me? What don't you want to do? I mean, if we can't talk about it right now, why are we even trying?"
"Fine," Blaine says, giving in even though he wants to do this when he's had more time to pull himself together and think about what he needs to say in a way that won't freak Kurt out. "For example, I was thinking that I don't really like blowjobs."
Kurt goes beet red at that but still manages to shoot him a questioning glance.
"You were right before when you said it should be about us," he says. "I don't think... I really hated anything oral. Tom would hold onto my head and I couldn't pull away. I never wanted to do any of it, but when he made me do that it always felt like he was proving a point. Like he was making sure I knew I didn't matter. I want to sleep with someone and not have to feel like I'm worth less than them, and I don't want to feel like anyone is trying to make me more important than they are. It really freaks me out when I think about it."
Kurt is staring at him carefully now, apparently thinking hard about something. Finally he says,
"I need to think about this. Give me some time?"
"Take as much as you need," Blaine says. "I don't mind waiting."
***
In the days leading up to Sectionals, it almost becomes a strange sort of game between the two of them when no one else is around. They'll be working on math homework or studying for finals and Kurt will look up from whatever he's highlighting and say something like,
"I don't like watching porn."
That's more than fine by Blaine, but instead of getting into that unpleasant conversation, he just smiles at Kurt a little bit and prompts,
"No?"
"I can't help it," Kurt says, blushing. "I've tried and I just end up getting horribly depressed. I keep thinking that they were all kids once, and they all have mothers, and God, what would their mothers think, and why would you get that tattoo there?"
"I think I can handle leaving porn out of our sex life," Blaine says.
Another time he offers,
"Let's not do anything like dirty talk, okay? Not for a while, anyhow. I don't want the first time we're together be about pretending to be people we're not."
"No role-playing," Kurt says. "Got it."
Which unfortunately leads to Blaine over-thinking and blurting out hours later,
"I'm not saying no role-playing, exactly. I mean, if you're comfortable with it, I've always kind of had a thing for Mulan when she was Ping."
When a wall of silence is the only answer he gets, he hurries to add,
"Or if that's too weird, it's totally cool, just forget I said it... I also thought Tuxedo Mask was really cute."
"Blaine," Kurt starts, and his voice sounds strangled, but he's interrupted by a different voice before he can get any further.
"Dude. Do Warblers try to incorporate musicals into sex games? Is 'I'll Make a Man Out of You' an actual recognized kink for gay people? Let me know the night that's happening and I'll plan to be away, okay?"
"Shit," Blaine mutters to himself, feeling his face heat up. The roommate.
"You didn't even hear when he came in half an hour ago did you?" Kurt says, his voice a mix between fondness and exasperation.
Blaine shrugs helplessly.
"I was too busy trying to decide what my feelings were on role-play."
"You're lucky you're cute," Kurt says, shaking his head while trying to hold back the grin on his face.
"I don't know, Kurt," says his roommate. "He's cute, but is he Li Shang cute?"
"Cram it, Kyle," Kurt snaps, hurling his pillow across the room where it bounces off his roommate harmlessly. He glances back at Blaine and mouths, "You're totally Li Shang cute."
Blaine buries his face in his hands and doesn't know if he's pleased or horrified.
To Part Four D
Author: firefly_ca
Pairing,Character(s): Kurt/Blaine, with appearances by Stevie and the Evans family, the Andersons, and large swaths of Glee clubbers (New Directions and Warblers)
Rating: NC-17 for disturbing themes, scenes, etc.
Word Count: TBD - Part 4 is 26K
Spoilers: All of S2, up to 3x05
Summary: AU. Blaine Anderson lived under another name for almost nine years with an abusive man he was forced to pretend was his father. He always thought his own family had given up on him, but now that he's found out the majority of his life was spent believing a lie, he has to try to reconcile the life he had with the life that was taken away from him. Sequel to Looking for a Happy Ending.
Note: Huge thanks to my betas LoonyLevicorpus and callmerayray for taking the fic and trying to help me avoid stupid typos and things that make no sense this time around. Any mistakes you find are all from last-minute edits I made before I posted. Because sometimes I can't leave good enough alone.
AN - Huge thanks goes out to my Tumblr people for helping me brainstorm cartoon characters. The ones I used came from them, and you can read all of their awesome suggestions here. I'm sure you all know it, but if any of you are in the mood for a little Disney, here's the relevant song referred to in that scene. You know you love it :D
And Kurt's roommate, for those of you are interested, is the written as an improbably intelligent combination of two Ryan Hansen characters: Dick from Veronica Mars and Kyle from Party Down.
"God I'm glad you're not a zombie now," Quinn greets as she pushes past Blaine into his room.
"And I'm glad your hair isn't pink anymore," Blaine says, as he turns around to follow her in and push the door shut just slightly. He doesn't close it the entire way, not ready to do anything that might encourage her to stay long.
He had been planning on going downstairs to watch something embarrassingly immature with Cynthia until Kurt called to say he was finished his emergency shift at the garage where he was covering for a sick mechanic, but he's not prepared to deal with Quinn's scorn when she discovers watching cartoons with his sister has become a regular thing. Her hair might be back to its perfect little rich girl blonde, but she's hardly the pleasant, polite, do unto others girl she always pretended to be last year, either. She might keep up the happy, back-on-her-feet attitude for most people these days, but for Blaine she seems perfectly happy to drop the act.
Blaine is happy enough to give her the opportunity to be honest with herself every now and then, because he knows how draining it can be to pretend everything is perfect when it's not, but the upshot is that these days it's almost maddening just to say hello to her, because now that he's the only person she doesn't lie to, the conversation inevitably turns towards Beth and how much Quinn wants her back. Having Shelby teach at McKinley isn't helping things, either.
The longer Quinn is close to her daughter the worse she becomes, and the crazier her plotting gets. There had been a brief window of time when Puck, likely harbouring dreams of a forming a big happy family for Beth, had been willing to placate Quinn and listen to her plans, probably because he thought she would get past it. Even he's given up on her now, unable to handle the intensity of her campaign to destroy Shelby's life and retrieve her daughter. One time when he's over visiting Blaine, he actually climbs out a window when he sees her car pull up in the driveway.
"Tell her I'm not here and that you're borrowing my truck," he hisses before making a break for the back alley. Blaine has no idea how he manages to get back to Lima, but he's very obviously on his own when it comes to Quinn, and now that he's slowly losing some of the tunnel vision that up until now has only let him focus on his own problems, it's getting harder and harder to listen to the things she says without wanting to slap her.
Proving his point perfectly, Quinn barely takes the time to throw her coat on the bed before she turns around and triumphantly announces,
"It's official! Shelby is an unfit mother. I just came from her house to make sure everything was properly set up."
"What are you talking about?" Blaine asks, already sorry that he's going to have to hear an answer.
"I've planted some things in her house," Quinn says, smiling. "Baby Botox, books about Satanism, pornography, that sort of thing. I'm going to call Child Protective Services right now so they can take Beth away and give her to her real mother."
"She's with her real mother right now," Blaine says.
It's nothing he hasn't told her before, but maybe it carries more weight when he is able to say it when he's not drowning in his own problems, because for a moment Quinn looks completely betrayed before she pulls herself together enough to snarl,
"Fuck you."
Blaine just sighs and looks at her a little helplessly before saying,
"Fine, you want to do this that way? You're a menace right now, Quinn. I'm saying that out of love, but it's true. It's like you've lost all grasp of reality. Satanism and pornography? Really? That's not proof of unfit parenting, it's proof you were raised in a bubble of Christian moral panic. And do you really think framing the lady who adopted your daughter is going to guarantee you get her back and she's not just going to get adopted out again? She's not your kid anymore, Quinn. It doesn't work like that."
Quinn opens her mouth, and Blaine thinks maybe she's going to try to defend her actions even now, but she never gets a chance before they're both interrupted his mother's voice coming from his doorway,
"You're making false accusations to the authorities because you think it will get you your daughter back?"
They both look over and see her standing there with Blaine's book bag in her hands and a horrified expression on her face.
"Not yet," Blaine clarifies. "She was going to after she leaves."
"Don't you dare," his mom says, and Blaine has never seen her look at anyone the way she's looking at Quinn right now, like there's a monster in his bedroom instead of a person. Even Quinn looks a little intimidated, but she purses her lips together and gets a determined look on her face before saying,
"I never had a chance to be a mother. Don't you get that? I could have been the best thing that's ever happened to her and Shelby stole her before I had that chance. I've been working hard to get it together and be a good enough person to be Beth's mom, and now I'm ready. You both know I am. Look at me compared to a month ago. I don't drink or smoke now, and I've changed my hair back. I helped Mr. Schue keep the Glee club together when the girls wanted to join Shelby's group. I'm reliable and I take care of things. I deserve Beth."
"You've regressed since last month," Mom snaps, and Blaine has never heard her mad like this before. "Last month I felt sorry for you, because you were a sad screwed-up little girl who wasted her life dreaming about things that she could never have. Now you actually think your dreams are going to become reality. You're delusional, Quinn."
It's like Blaine isn't in the room with them anymore. Quinn is staring at his mother like she's been stabbed and his mother is the one holding the knife. His mother is staring at Quinn with an almost identical expression. Blaine wishes there was a way to run away and hide without either of them noticing, but the doorway is effectively blocked by his mother, and really, if anyone should be leaving it's the two people who are having a fight in someone else's bedroom.
"I thought of all people that you would understand what this is like," Quinn says, her voice shaky. "If anyone knows how much it hurts to have your kids grow up while you can't watch, it's you. Beth needs her mother, just like Blaine needed his. If you had a way to get him back from that man years ago, wouldn't you have taken it? You would have saved him from so much pain."
There's a long pause. Blaine feels like someone has physically hit him.
"You did not just say that," His mother finally says, her anger so intense Blaine sees tears start to fall from her eyes. "Don't you dare compare what happened to my son with what happened to your daughter. Blaine is your friend, Quinn, and it makes me ill to think that you have been sitting here day after day using what happened to him to justify your little fantasy about why every child needs their mother. Beth is going to have a perfect life whether you're in it or not, because Shelby didn't just walk up and take her away from you one day when you lost sight of her. You chose her to be Beth's mother when you didn't want the responsibility. My son grew up with a man who beat him and raped him and treated him like a thing before he treated him like a person. The first few months he was back home, sometimes I'd catch him staring at me, like he couldn't understand the concept of a parent that loved him and didn't hurt him. Beth has been officially recognized as the daughter of a wonderful woman who loves her so much that she's sacrificing her own personal comfort and dreams to try to raise her in an environment where she can see how much three completely different people love her and care for her more than anything else on the planet. Or at least, they should love her more than anything."
Quinn is crying openly now and tries to find the words to defend herself but the most she can manage is a pitiful "I'm not" before Mom cuts her off again.
"I try to give you space when you're in my house, Quinn, because I understand that you're hurting and I know how much Blaine likes you. Up until now I've been able to respect his choice to be friends with you because even though you are rude and self-destructive, I've never seen you try to cross that line where you start to hurt the people around you. But if you even think about calling CPS once you've left this house, I'll report you and tell anyone who listens to me that you should be brought up on every charge that they can possibly hit you with. Giving birth to her doesn't make her yours. A real mother loves her children because they're her children, not because they love her back without questioning why. If you really want someone to think you're worth their time, try not to be such a horrible human being and failing that, look into buying a goldfish."
She catches herself for a minute and takes a deep breath, obviously trying to get herself under control again before she says,
"I think you should leave now, Quinn."
Blaine can't tear his eyes away from her. He didn't even know this side of his mother existed. This tiny angry woman couldn't be further removed from the jokingly optimistic, sunny woman he's been living with since he's come back home. She's so mad that the hand still holding his book bag is trembling violently. Finally a chocked sound from Quinn pulls his attention away from her and in the other direction.
Quinn is still crying, harder now than she had been before, her pretty, practical, good-little-Christian-girl makeup ruined as she determinedly gathers her things into her arms, her face a portrait of humiliation and rage. She's never responded like this when Blaine has told her off before, but then, it's not Blaine she refuses to make eye contact with as she takes off running down the stairs. He can hear his dad try to call to her as the front door slams open and closed.
Mom sinks into the chair slowly, her head in her hands.
"What was that?" Blaine asks.
"I should be sorry," his mom says. "But I'm not. I do not like that girl. She's not a good person, Blaine."
"But she's not a bad person, either," Blaine says, not even sure why he's defending her when he agrees with so much of what his mom said.
"She wants to steal someone's baby," Mom says, shortly. "I'm sorry, but in my mind, it doesn't get much worse than that."
"Mom, look at me," Blaine says, bluntly. "Look at how fucked up I am. I'm pretty sure there are people in the world a lot worse than Quinn."
His mom looks ill as she turns his words over in her head before shaking herself a little and saying,
"How does a girl become so dysfunctional she actively tries to steal a baby? And how is she able to hide that side of herself from so many people so they don't notice?"
"I don't think it was an overnight process," Blaine offers. "And I think Quinn's always been really good at acting like someone she isn't. From the things she's told me, she's had a lot of makeovers over the years. She knows how to get what she wants by changing who she is."
"'What she wants,'" his mother repeats, derisively putting her hands back up to her face. "You mean 'a baby'?"
"No," Blaine says. "You said it before. She doesn't want a baby, she just wants someone. Quinn would be a terrible mother. One day she'd figure out that Beth won't think she's perfect forever, and then she'd run out and get pregnant again so there'd be someone else who did. She doesn't take rejection well, but sometimes I think it's the only thing she understands."
It's strange that despite the shock and discomfort he feels from seeing his mother lose control the way she just did, he also likes that he suddenly feels he can talk to her like she's an equal, like he has a right to tell her his opinion about things, because apparently she doesn't have every answer.
There's a long pause, then he hears a drawn out, hissed "Fuck" come from behind his mother's hands which makes him laugh a little.
"I was too hard on her," she says, her hands dropping into her lap in defeat. "She just hit such a raw nerve when I heard what she was saying. I know I don't show it to you, and maybe I do too good a job at keeping my feelings hidden from you, but every morning when I wake up it still hurts so fucking much that I lost you, even though you came back. I missed you so much, Blaine, and I'll never get your childhood back. Hearing her sounding so proud that she was trying to put another woman through that kind of pain?"
She trails off, and Blaine doesn't know what to tell her, so he reaches out and briefly squeezes her shoulder. He glances out the window and comments,
"Her car is still here. I should go make sure she's not crying in a ball in the driver's seat."
Mom nods but makes no move to get up and follow him. When he looks at her questioningly, she shrugs helplessly.
"Anything I say to her right now will be the opposite of damage control," she says, and Blaine notices how tensely she's still holding herself, so he nods and hurries off downstairs by himself, pausing long enough to grab his shoes in the doorway so he can shove them on when he hits the porch. But when he gets outside, there are voices just beyond the door to his left and he stops dead in his tracks.
Quinn is full-out sobbing like he's never heard her before, but even more jarringly, the soothing voice trying to calm her down belongs to his father. Blaine turns to look and drops his shoes in shock, earning him a distracted glare from his father, even though Blaine doesn't see how he could possibly be held responsible for his actions. Quinn and his father are sitting side-by-side on the porch bench as Quinn heaves out gut-wrenching sobs into his shoulder. It's like an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Dad has an arm wrapped around Quinn and is gently rubbing her arm as the disjointed, near-incoherent words come pouring out of her. Blaine can't make them all out, but he hears enough to figure out this isn't all about Beth: "Daddy" and "she didn't care" and "doesn't see" and "hate" and "scared" and "never enough." Dad is obviously picking up more of it than Blaine is, because he seems to be able to answer back, too quietly for Blaine to hear, but definitely in response to Quinn's words, indicating an actual conversation instead of meaningless reassurance.
Blaine stands watching as his feet grow steadily colder until finally the door opens again and Cynthia pokes her head out to demand,
"What's going on? Blaine, you promised if I left you and Kurt alone yesterday when you were making out that today we'd watch - "
Blaine clamps a hand over her mouth and steers her back inside before she can finish, leaving his shoes where they've fallen. People always accuse him of being brave or whatever, but he will flee the country before he lets Quinn know he watches My Little Pony with his sister. On DVD, no less. He convinces Cynthia that it will be cooler to watch upstairs on the TV in her room, just in case Quinn and Dad get too cold to stay on the porch.
"Why was Quinn sad?" Cynthia asks while Blaine sets up the DVD player.
"Mom yelled at her," Blaine says. "She deserved it, though."
He hesitates a little before asking,
"Which is weirder to you: Quinn crying or Dad being the one to make her feel better?"
"Quinn crying," Cynthia says quickly. "But not that Mom was the one who made her cry. Dad's nicer than Mom is. People always talk to him when they're sad. When you're sad Dad can make you feel better than ice cream. I asked him how once and he told me he's magic. He lies, but he's still nicer than Mom."
"So he just can't talk be bothered to talk to me?" Blaine asks a little bitterly. "Everyone else on the planet he manages to fix, but when it's me it's suddenly too much effort?"
Cynthia shrugs, still too young to get that sometimes a question doesn't have to be answered, when she says,
"Probably. You're pretty weird, Blaine. I always thought you would be cooler when you came back, but now that you're here you spend most of your time trying to get away from us and looking at Dad like you think he's going to start shouting."
"Wow," Blaine says. "Sorry I let you down, I guess."
"I forgive you," Cynthia says politely, because she pulled someone's hair at recess last week and has spent her subsequent detentions being taught about manners. "You're not all bad anymore. You watch a lot of TV with me, which is nice. And you met Quinn first, which is very good because I got to meet her and she's my best friend even if her hair is boring now. And Mom shouts less now that you're back, too, which is the best thing about you."
They're holed up in the bedroom for a few hours before Dad sticks his head in and casually mentions that he's driving Quinn home and Mom will be following behind so that he can get back once Quinn's been safely dropped off. Seeing him standing there talking about helping someone who isn't him like it's the easiest thing in the world sends a spike of resentment through him at first, but then he thinks about how beside herself Quinn was and can't bring himself to begrudge her the support. He nods his understanding and tells them to drive safe, trying not to let himself feel too rattled when the door shuts, leaving him behind.
***
All things considered, Blaine thinks it should be a positive sign that Quinn's meltdown (and his subsequent realization that he still doesn't know his parents at all) hasn't interfered with how badly he's started to want a second chance with Kurt again. The more time that passes, the more he finds he's able to separate his desire for Kurt from all the bad and uncertain things in his day-to-day life. When he thinks about doing things with Kurt, it feels different than before, when he used to crave intimacy as a way of ensuring he's still able to earn his place in Kurt's heart. Now he finds himself staring at Kurt, almost overwhelmed by how much he wants to get closer to him, and take their relationship to a different level, because he doesn't want to miss out on any experience if it's one he can share with Kurt. It opens up an entirely new perspective on sex for him that he finds both frightening and exhilarating.
Unfortunately, Kurt doesn't seem to share these feelings, and has become more resistant than ever to any of the subtle hints and touches that are directed towards him. Not a single encounter happens these days that doesn't end without Kurt putting the brakes on everything, pulling back when Blaine holds him a little too closely as they kiss, softly saying, "No" if Blaine tries to move his hand too far down his hips or back. The refusals always seem to be accompanied by equal parts arousal and fear tangled up in each other and reflected in Kurt's eyes. Blaine starts to worry about what will happen to them if he's created a rift that can't be fixed.
"You seem distracted," Dr. Hong comments halfway through their session. "Are you sure you're we're talking about everything you would like to talk about?"
Blaine shrugs and is quiet for a moment before admitting,
"I would like to talk to you about something, but I don't really want to talk to you like this about it."
"I don't understand what you mean by that," Dr. Hong says.
"Okay," Blaine says, sitting up a little straighter in his chair. "If I tell you what's bothering me, can you not be a professional about it? Like, can you not answer my question by asking me 20? Can you just give me some advice? Because I have a problem and you're the only person who won't think it's weird if I ask."
"I can't really promise to do that without knowing what the question is," Dr. Hong says.
"I can't tell you anything without you promising first," Blaine says. "Because if you don't agree you'll use what I say against me and end up asking questions anyhow. That's just going to make me frustrated."
Dr. Hong smiles at him a little before she says,
"How about we compromise? You ask your weird question, and if I think I need to, I'll ask you a lot of deep, soul-searching questions about it, but only if I have to know the answers before I know what advice I should be giving you."
"Okay," Blaine says slowly. "But you can't crap out and tell me that the only person who can answer my question is me or something stupid like that when I tell you. I need advice, that's why I'm asking."
"Go ahead," says Dr. Hong.
"How do I make my boyfriend believe I want to have sex with him? Like, the sooner the better?"
"You're right," Dr. Hong says. "That's a weird question to be asking. I'm assuming this is an issue for the two of you because of what happened the last time you tried to initiate sex?"
"Well, not the last time I tried," Blaine says. "I've been trying again lately, now that it feels like everything has gotten better, but he's even more sensitive about it now than he was before."
"Because of how you approached it the one time when you became so aggressive about it?"
"Yes," Blaine sighs a little, because she looks so smug right now it makes him want to swear at her a little. "Because of the one time I came on to him for all the wrong reasons and got called on it. Are you happy now?"
"A little," she says. "I'm happy because that story really makes me like your boyfriend."
"But things are different now," Blaine insists. "Before everyone else was right and I wasn't in the right place for it to be okay, but I've gotten so much better."
"Is that why you want to have sex with him?" Dr. Hong asks. "To prove that you've gotten better?"
Blaine bristles a little.
"No," he says, trying hard not to be offended. "This has nothing to do with how I feel about myself. It's about how I feel about Kurt."
"How do you feel about him?"
"I love him."
"Do you want to have sex with him to prove that to him or yourself?"
"These are the sorts of questions I didn't want to have to answer instead of getting real advice," Blaine says.
"The advice is coming," Dr. Hong promises. "I need to ask to decide what the advice is going to be."
"Fine," Blaine says. "I don't want to prove anything to anyone. I love my boyfriend and I want to have sex with him. That's all."
"What's sex?" Dr. Hong asks.
"Are you kidding me right now?" Blaine says, and Dr. Hong laughs a little bit.
"Seriously," she says. "You keep saying that you want to have sex with him. What does that mean exactly? In your opinion, what do you think sex is?"
"I hate you," Blaine says, feeling his face heat up. He's not used to talking with her about sex like this, not when it's about having it with someone he has real feelings for. It's more embarrassing than he expected it to be.
"Sex is... sex. I don't know. I want to be close to him. I've never... done anything with anybody to get closer to them. I've had sex so people stay happy with me, or so I feel like I've earned the right to be with them, but I've never had it to connect with someone before. I want the first person I do that with to be him."
"You can get close to someone without having sex, you know," Dr. Hong says. "A lot of people gain that level of intimacy without ever sleeping with each other at all."
"Yeah," Blaine says, a little slowly, his face getting even redder. "But what if I want to?"
"If you both want to, that's a good thing," Dr. Hong says. "It's hard to give you advice about this because there are no real rules for how it has to happen, Blaine. But if you want to have sex with your boyfriend, and he wants to have sex with you, the best way you can make that happen is to talk to him about it."
"Obviously," Blaine says, frustrated. "But what do I say to make him believe me?"
"Convince him you've thought this through and aren't trying to make decisions based on something unhealthy," she says. "Which brings me back to my other question, what exactly do you think sex is?"
Blaine stares at her silently for a long time before admitting,
"I don't think I understand what you want me to say."
"It's not about what I want you to say, Blaine," Dr. Hong says. "There's no wrong answer. Sex means different things for a lot of people. A lot of people forget that, but if you want proof of it, look at a few sample populations and ask them what they think of as the act that lost them their virginity."
"It's when someone sticks their penis in you," Blaine says, bluntly. "How is that up for debate?"
"Because I lied when I said there was no wrong answer," Dr. Hong says, blithely. "That was sort of the wrong answer, Blaine. Or it was only a small part of the answer. What about lesbians? Do they never have sex with each other because they don't have the proper sex organs? And what's the difference between oral, vaginal, or anal sex? Is there a difference?"
"Oh," Blaine says. "That didn't occur to me."
"I'll be honest with you, Blaine," Dr. Hong says. "A lot of the kids I see have problems when they start having the wrong kind of sex at the wrong time, and they usually do it because they don't realize that their options are options and not just foreplay. To me Kurt seems like a very cautious person, whether he thinks about sex a lot or not, and the impression I get is that he'll be very uneasy about doing anything with you unless he knows you're not getting in over your head. He'll probably feel better if he knows he's not being pushed past his limits, either. I know you care about your boyfriend very much, so he needs to be as comfortable with all of this as you are. Think really carefully before you ask him about it, and be ready to talk to him about what you want and what you don't want in your sex life. Think about your limits and the areas in your past that you still have issues with. Don't be upset if there's something you just don't want to do again, or if there's anything you're interested in but don't want to do yet. Kurt will have parameters, too. You need to know what those are, and why he has them. Kurt will know you're really okay with it if you can show him that you're not making decisions based out of fear or habit."
It sounds like it all makes sense, but it all seems so complicated, too.
"A lot of teenagers just start sleeping together and they're fine," he says, looking at Dr. Hong suspiciously. "This sort of feels like you're giving me homework to trick me into getting better faster."
Dr. Hong actually rolls her eyes at that one. He doesn't entirely blame her.
"Yes, Blaine," she says. "That's it. I'm tricking you into getting better. Look, what I'm telling you now is the stuff that every healthy couple figures out as they develop their sex lives with each other, anyhow. Some couples talk about it, some sort it out as they go along, but every couple in non-destructive partnerships knows and respects the boundaries that are there. If anything, the long list of pre-requisites I just gave you is going to give you an advantage over all those other teenage couples out there who just start sleeping together right away. Benefit from my wisdom and just take my word on it, okay?"
"Fine," Blaine mutters. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," Dr. Hong says. "Now do you want to go back to talking about the trial or do you have any other questions about this?"
Blaine shouldn't be this difficult, especially after she's been so helpful, but sometimes she's so unflappable he can't help himself. He needs to push to see if anything happens.
"What will it mean for the future of our relationship if we fuck each other's brains out and never need to resort to the reach-around?" He asks, trying not to smirk at her. "Are we destined to be together forever or are we just horny teenagers with trigger-finger orgasms?"
Dr. Hong doesn't even blink when she answers,
"I don't know if I'm qualified to give you an answer for that, Blaine, but if you're very worried about it, I've heard the experts on Yahoo Answers can be very informative and reliable when it comes to questions about reach-arounds."
Some days Blaine is really glad that his parents made him keep going to therapy.
***
Blaine doesn't want to spend much time thinking about what he wants in his relationship with Kurt without giving Kurt a chance to do the same, but it still takes him a couple of days to get up enough courage to mention it to him, so he can't help that he already has given it plenty of thought before they talk about it as a couple. In the end, this probably works out for the best, anyhow.
They're in Blaine's room at home, looking at some fashion blog Kurt is way too into. Blaine doesn't understand the draw at all, but he loves seeing how excited Kurt gets about what people are wearing, so he just watches on in silence until the words come out of his mouth almost unbidden.
"If I told you I thought we should be having sex with each other, what would you say?"
Kurt stares at him incredulously for a minute before he manages,
"I'd ask what that has to do with the Louis Vuitton shoes I was just showing you."
"Seriously though," Blaine says, feeling his face heat up a little, because he really is bringing this up out of nowhere. "If I was ready for it, would you be?"
"I don't know," Kurt falters. He's starting to look worried, so Blaine leans over and kisses him softly before saying,
"Don't worry. I'm not going to throw myself on you like before or anything. I don't want our first time to be like that, either. But I want us to have a first time. I'm not broken or scared of sex or anything like that, so why should we act like I am?"
Kurt doesn't look convinced.
"You really freaked me out the last time," he says. "I still don't think you've realized how upsetting it was to see you like that."
"Dr. Hong told me that I have a poor concept of boundaries," Blaine admits. "It was all we talked about for weeks. That doesn't mean I didn't want to sleep with you when I did it, though. I just didn't know what I wanted and I sprang it on you. I'm not saying we need to strip down right now and hop into bed. I just want you to know that I love you, and I think we should think about it."
Kurt doesn't say anything and just stares at the computer monitor blankly so Blaine sighs a little and grudgingly adds,
"And Dr. Hong said that if you're still super freaked about the last time, we could always make sure we both understood what we want and don't want before we try anything."
Kurt looks at him when he hears that.
"Your doctor told you what to say to me?"
Blaine shrugs.
"I didn't want to ruin it again. I promise it's about us this time, Kurt. I don't want it to be about how screwed up I am. This is about what I have with you, not what happened with him. I promise."
Kurt doesn't say anything for a few minutes and goes back to looking at the pictures of fashion models and catwalk footage. Blaine isn't sure what he should do, so after a moment, he settles in again and starts looking over Kurt's shoulder. Finally Kurt looks at him again and says,
"What do you mean, 'if we both understand what we want'? What does that even mean?"
"That we don't have to do everything all at once, or even at all if we're not both into everything," Blaine says.
"So if I don't want to have, um, sex sex with you, you'd honestly be okay with that?"
Kurt looks so nervous waiting for the answer, Blaine feels like kicking himself all over again for how insistent he'd gotten before.
"No, God, that's fine," he says, stammering in his haste to sound supportive. "I didn't even want to do that much the first time, I just sort of thought I was supposed to."
"Right," Kurt says, suddenly looking upset again. "That's why I've been pushing you away lately, Blaine. Do you understand how scary it is to know how easily I could be taking advantage of you because you suddenly latch on to the idea that you're not allowed to say no?"
"No, it's okay, Kurt," Blaine says. "I don't want something stupid like that to ruin what we have either, and apparently I'd be an idiot to pretend it's not a possibility. That's why Dr. Hong thinks we should talk about it before we start."
"So what don't you want to do?" Kurt asks, instantly putting Blaine on the spot.
"I thought we could talk about it together," Blaine says, a little caught off guard at Kurt's abruptness.
"Yeah," Kurt says, slowly. "But you've already thought about this enough to ask your therapist about it, and there's no way you haven't come up with some ideas since then, so why not just tell me? What don't you want to do? I mean, if we can't talk about it right now, why are we even trying?"
"Fine," Blaine says, giving in even though he wants to do this when he's had more time to pull himself together and think about what he needs to say in a way that won't freak Kurt out. "For example, I was thinking that I don't really like blowjobs."
Kurt goes beet red at that but still manages to shoot him a questioning glance.
"You were right before when you said it should be about us," he says. "I don't think... I really hated anything oral. Tom would hold onto my head and I couldn't pull away. I never wanted to do any of it, but when he made me do that it always felt like he was proving a point. Like he was making sure I knew I didn't matter. I want to sleep with someone and not have to feel like I'm worth less than them, and I don't want to feel like anyone is trying to make me more important than they are. It really freaks me out when I think about it."
Kurt is staring at him carefully now, apparently thinking hard about something. Finally he says,
"I need to think about this. Give me some time?"
"Take as much as you need," Blaine says. "I don't mind waiting."
***
In the days leading up to Sectionals, it almost becomes a strange sort of game between the two of them when no one else is around. They'll be working on math homework or studying for finals and Kurt will look up from whatever he's highlighting and say something like,
"I don't like watching porn."
That's more than fine by Blaine, but instead of getting into that unpleasant conversation, he just smiles at Kurt a little bit and prompts,
"No?"
"I can't help it," Kurt says, blushing. "I've tried and I just end up getting horribly depressed. I keep thinking that they were all kids once, and they all have mothers, and God, what would their mothers think, and why would you get that tattoo there?"
"I think I can handle leaving porn out of our sex life," Blaine says.
Another time he offers,
"Let's not do anything like dirty talk, okay? Not for a while, anyhow. I don't want the first time we're together be about pretending to be people we're not."
"No role-playing," Kurt says. "Got it."
Which unfortunately leads to Blaine over-thinking and blurting out hours later,
"I'm not saying no role-playing, exactly. I mean, if you're comfortable with it, I've always kind of had a thing for Mulan when she was Ping."
When a wall of silence is the only answer he gets, he hurries to add,
"Or if that's too weird, it's totally cool, just forget I said it... I also thought Tuxedo Mask was really cute."
"Blaine," Kurt starts, and his voice sounds strangled, but he's interrupted by a different voice before he can get any further.
"Dude. Do Warblers try to incorporate musicals into sex games? Is 'I'll Make a Man Out of You' an actual recognized kink for gay people? Let me know the night that's happening and I'll plan to be away, okay?"
"Shit," Blaine mutters to himself, feeling his face heat up. The roommate.
"You didn't even hear when he came in half an hour ago did you?" Kurt says, his voice a mix between fondness and exasperation.
Blaine shrugs helplessly.
"I was too busy trying to decide what my feelings were on role-play."
"You're lucky you're cute," Kurt says, shaking his head while trying to hold back the grin on his face.
"I don't know, Kurt," says his roommate. "He's cute, but is he Li Shang cute?"
"Cram it, Kyle," Kurt snaps, hurling his pillow across the room where it bounces off his roommate harmlessly. He glances back at Blaine and mouths, "You're totally Li Shang cute."
Blaine buries his face in his hands and doesn't know if he's pleased or horrified.
To Part Four D