The Route to Heaven
Title: The Route to Heaven
Pairing: Sehun/Tao, Kris/Baekhyun
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,315
Warnings: May contain offensive material, poor attempts at humour, dead!Sehun, in need to pee
Summary: Sehun dies and realizes the trek to Heaven is fucking hard.
Times when Sehun pictures himself dying, he imagines it to be a dramatic and glorious event. Like saving a kid from a burning house, protecting a stranger from wild hyenas, maybe even fighting an armed purse-robber. Even if it weren’t that heroic, he thought at least he would look decent when he dies.
Not like this, naked in the shower.
He had always believed that he would somehow know when he's going to die, like there would be signs or premonitions warning him of his inevitable fate. But the day he dies is just another normal day in the Life of Oh Sehun. He returns to the dorm, takes a shower, comes out, slips, knocks his head against the edge of the marble sink and bam, he's as dead as last week's tuna.
It was a rather insignificant event, really, even he himself had to admit. It just happened out of the blue, without warning, or any sense of knowledge. When he wakes up as a dead soul half a minute later, the first thing he said was: "What the fuck? I died?"
He stares disbelievingly at the naked body on the tiled floor, blood pooled around his head and body sprawled in an awkward and unflattering angle. Not to mention that he was naked, which made everything look weirdly morbid and unsightly.
"Ugh," Sehun groans loudly, banging his fists against the bathroom door. "I look so uncool."
A minute later, his roommate barges into the bathroom upon hearing the loud crash and immediately fixes his eyes on the dead body.
"Hey Baekhyun," Sehun greets apathetically; well knowing his roommate of two years wouldn't hear him. He watches Baekhyun's eyes go wide as he motionlessly gapes at the bathroom floor.
Sehun tries waving his hand in front of his roommate’s face, but of course, Baekhyun fails to see it because he’s dead.
Baekhyun breaks out of his trance and scowls bitchily. "Goddamn it, Sehun, you got blood all over the tiles."
His funeral happens in a small family church his parents attended. He notes the loud wails and sobs coming from his family, and the solemn faces of his friends and schoolmates. Drifting to the front of the hall, he peers over the open casket to see himself dressed in a crisp black tuxedo, hair neatly combed back.
"They could have fixed my roots," Sehun laments, eyeing at the glaring black roots peeking out from his blonde hair.
The ceremony proceeds at an agonizingly boring rate. Sehun slightly regrets not preparing a will on stating how he wanted his funeral to be conducted when he died.
In his proposed funeral, there would be lots of booze and mixers for his friends to drown their sorrows with at the loss of Sehun. Loud screamo music will blare in the background for his loved ones to howl and wail about what a pity it was that Sehun’s dead. There would also be a segment where everyone would stand in a circle and sing a self-composed song about how great of a person Sehun was. Then he would be buried next to Marilyn Monroe.
But alas, he’s here, listening to the minister ask if anyone had anything to say about Sehun.
Baekhyun gingerly raises his hand, and steps onto the mini platform at the front. He unnecessarily clears his throat before croaking, “You can’t imagine the shock I had when I saw Sehun’s blood all over the bathroom tiles.”
Sehun’s mother lets out a particularly loud sob.
“I had so much trouble cleaning the floor, it was terrible.” Baekhyun adds, “He was an awful roommate but I’m still pretty sorry he died. On the expensive bathroom tiles. Thank you.”
Baekhyun retreats to his seat with his head lowered and Sehun wants to sock him in the eye for being more upset about his stupid tiles than Sehun’s unfortunate death. At least Sehun didn’t dirty the entire dorm with spurts of cum on various surfaces, unlike Baekhyun and his boyfriend who go at it like raging rabbits.
The next person who goes up is Jongin, Sehun’s best friend since he was twelve (not that he would ever admit it to Jongin). Jongin sniffs and pushes his hair back in an unintentionally suave manner that manages to catch the attention of his female cousins.
“Stop stealing my limelight.” Sehun clicks his tongue, leaning against the organ.
“He was a wonderful friend,” Jongin begins, his eyes watery as he scans the crowd. A few girls sigh dreamily. Sehun feels less vindictive towards him. “And as his best friend I would like to reveal something on his behalf.”
Sehun quirks a brow at this, wondering what Jongin can possibly say. Sehun’s father nods, prompting Jongin to go on.
“I would like to represent Sehun in coming out of the closet.”
If Sehun’s heart was still beating, it would have instantaneously ceased working and he would spontaneously combust. The crowd emits varying degrees of shock and bewilderment, especially Sehun’s father, who is clutching his chest in a death hold.
“Sehun found out he was gay when he was fourteen but never told his anyone that. I thought today would be a good opportunity for me to convey this for him. I think he would have wanted that.”
“NO I WOULD NOT,” Sehun screams, this close to tearing his painstakingly bleached hair out. Jongin says it with such conviction like it was genuinely what Sehun wanted, when in fact, all Sehun wanted in life was a good bowl of ramen and the entire series of Pretty Little Liars.
Jongin gravely bows with an apology and Sehun thinks he can hear Yixing covering up his snigger with a series of poorly done coughs.
Some rounds later, a petite boy with sharp eyes, monolids and orange hair appears on the stand, wiping away a trail of tearstain.
“I’m Minseok,” he greets.
“When I look at Sehun, I always thought he would become a brilliant businessman in the future,” he says it with the intonation and flair of a circus ringmaster, like at any point of time he’s going to fish out a leather whip and an unicycle.
Sehun dumbly blinks.
“He was a daisy in a field of wildflowers, the lone moon in the misty night, a beacon of hope in the cave of disparity. He was the-“
“You don’t even know him!” shouts Yixing from somewhere in the back row.
Realization dawns on Sehun and he concurs from the floor, “Yeah! Who the fuck are you?”
“I just have a lot of feelings.” The boy shrugs and leaves the hall with undeniable confidence and poise.
“He’s cute,” someone whispers in Sehun’s ear, causing him to jolt up and twist around, meeting a pair of doe-eyes.
“And who are you?” He apprehensively glances at the hightops and graphic tee. “Wait, you can see me?”
The man grins, “I’m Luhan. I’m a grim reaper.”
Sehun eyes him doubtfully. “Where’s your scythe and black cloak?”
Luhan roll his eyes. “What, do you live in the 16th century? Grim reapers have to get in with the times too, you know. Besides, I’m just here as your escort.”
“So…” Sehun squints, “You’re going to have sex with me?”
“What the hell, no!” Luhan looks utterly scandalised. “I’m here to escort you to heaven.”
Sehun claps.
“But first, we have some things to settle.”
Apparently, before the way to heaven, Sehun has to first apologise to three different people he has done wrong to in his life. It is supposed to show “the clarity of one’s heart and the willingness to move on”, according to the grim reaper with the fashion sense of a teenage skater boy.
Reluctantly, he drags his feet back to his dorm, grumpily throwing the door open, only to be greeted with his roommate sucking face with his boyfriend on the couch. Sehun curses to himself when he notices a hand sliding down Baekhyun’s jeans that are definitely not his own.
“Why do I have to do this,” Sehun grumbles to no one in particular and it manages to catch Baekhyun’s attention as the shorter boy snaps his eyes open and stares straight at Sehun.
He pushes his boyfriend away and the bigger man plummets to the floor with a gruff “ouch”.
“What the,” Baekhyun sits straight. “I thought you were dead.”
“Who are you talking to?” the guy on the floor asks, massaging his bruised head.
“I am,” Sehun replies, “I’m here to talk to you.”
“Well, this is a boner killer,” Baekyun snorts and zips his pants.
“Seriously Baekhyun, who are you speaking to?”
“Shut up, Kris, I’m talking to Sehun,” Baekhyun snaps, tossing his boyfriend’s shirt in his face.
Kris is taking this way too calmly as he deftly puts on his shirt and mumbles an “okay, sure”, before heading to the kitchen to give them some space. It’s as though Baekhyun talks to his dead and invisible friends on a daily basis. Sehun wouldn’t be surprised, in all honesty.
Baekhyun returns his attention to the translucent figure of Sehun standing by the doorway and asks, “What do you want?”
“God, I really don’t want to do this,” Sehun mutters under his breath before facing Baekhyun. “I’m here to apologise.”
“Oh,” Baekhyun instantaneously perks up and sardonically beams, “This ought to be good.”
Sehun takes a seat on the armchair adjacent to the couch. “I’m sorry for being a disgusting roommate who leaves his dirty laundry on your side of the room.”
Baekhyun nods pseudo solemnly, folding his arms across his chest.
“I’m sorry for blasting Skrillex at 1am during exam week just because I know it would annoy you. It is also to take revenge on you playing SNSD all the goddamn time.
“And I’m also sorry for that one time I told you I didn’t see your social psychology homework when in fact, I accidentally used it as draft paper and threw it away the day before.”
Baekhyun’s eyes narrow and he spits, “And I'm sorry that your dick is so small because 2/3 of it got shoved into your personality."
“However,” Sehun continues emotionlessly, “I am not sorry for secretly recording you and Kris having sex and selling it to BestGayPorn.
“YOU WHAT?” Baekhyun shrieks, having half the mind to throw himself at Sehun and pulling out every strand of that ugly, damaged platinum blonde hair.
Kris returns with a bag of chips and Baekhyun jabs a finger at him.
“Did you know that Sehun sold a sex tape of us to BestGayPorn?”
He munches loudly on a barbeque-flavoured chip and replies, “I may have gotten off to it a couple of times.”
Baekhyun gasps and punches his boyfriend in the guts, causing the latter to spit out chewed bits of chips. He turns back to Sehun and curses “Go to hell, Sehun!”
“I’m still not sorry,” he shrugs and fades out.
“That was funny,” Luhan amusedly comments, walking beside Sehun as they make their way to the second stop. The sky is dark now and both of them glow like autumn fireflies amongst the noise of night traffic and dimmed headlights.
No one sees them anyway.
At 10pm, Sehun stands behind a boy with side-shaved hair pushed back in a hairband and ear littered with piercings, watching him exfoliate his face with mild interest. After a final rinse, the gothic-looking boy gives his face a satisfactory pat and spins to leave the bathroom, only to find a translucent Sehun in front of him.
He does what every other normal human (Baekhyun not included) would do when confronted by your dead friend: he shrieks at a frequency that can only be audible by male mosquitoes and promptly passes out.
“Oops,” Sehun says unapologetically and sits outside the bathroom waiting for his friend to wake up.
When Tao regains consciousness a few moments later, he weakly crawls up from the damp bathroom floor with a pounding headache. “How did I-“
He spots Sehun and drops unconscious to the floor.
The second time Tao blinks his eyes open, Sehun immediately warns, “If you faint one more time I am going to throw you out of the window.”
Tao whimpers and curls himself into a defensive ball.
“I didn’t do anything to you, Sehun,” he sobs, “Why are you haunting me!”
Sehun sighs. The route to heaven is a much tougher than he imagined.
After multiple attempts at calming Tao down and stopping him from sobbing like a lost child in a supermarket, Sehun gives up being nice. He snatches the TV remote and swings it at the crying male sitting across him. The device squarely hits Tao’s left eye and he lets out a pained “owwwww”.
“Would you shut up and listen to my apology?”
Tao’s eyes sparkle at this, squeaking, “You’re apologizing to me?”
“Yes I am. Now shut the fuck up.”
Tao blows his nose and listens attentively.
“I’m sorry for making fun of your obsession with Gucci, although I still stand by my point that they make you look like an unfashionable old grandmother.”
“Hey-“
“I’m not done yet,” Sehun feistily snaps and Tao visibly cowers.
“And I’m sorry for tripping you in the corridors, telling you how bad your eyebags are and for calling you a ‘pussy’.”
Tao flashes a small smile.
“Because pussies are great and shouldn’t be used to describe your cowardice.“
His face falls and he flings a used ball of snot-tissue at Sehun.
Sehun pointedly ignores it and ends off with, “I’m sorry for your unfortunate taste for leopard prints; and I'm also sorry that you have an ugly face."
Tao dramatically gasps and pulls his hand towards his chest. “Take that back,” he warns, protectively stroking his leopard print sweatpants.
Sehun sighs, running a hand through his hair and subsequently getting it tangled up and having to forcefully yank his hand out.
“I’m sorry for not fucking you before I died.”
Tao gurgles, “What?”
“I might have a crush,” Sehun coughs and discreetly adds, “on you.”
“On me?” Tao’s eyes are basically reflective diamonds at this point and he inches towards Sehun, “Since when?”
Sehun thinks about it for a moment and answers, “Since I saw you with that tacky pair of leopard print jeggings and wanted to rip them off.”
“Aw,” Tao coos, flailing his arms about. “Do you still want to rip my pants?”
“No,” Sehun answers, eyeing the Chinese boy apprehensively.
“But you said you have a crush on me!”
“Had. I said ‘had’.”
“I swear I heard you say ‘have’.”
“You heard wrong,” Sehun retorts, standing up from the couch and making his way to the door. “Goodbye, Tao.”
“I’ll see you in heaven!”
Sehun fades out.
“How sentimental,” Luhan sniffs and wipes an imaginary tear from his cheek. Sehun flips him a finger.
Both of them pass through nurses buzzing around with clipboards and trays, and turn into a quieter corridor. The hospital wing smells like disinfectants and stale drugs.
“What are we doing here?” Luhan asks, closely tottering behind Sehun.
Sehun ignores him and chooses to enter a private ward at the end of the corridor, dissolving into the closed door. The ward holds a single bed at the far end of the room; on it lays a perfectly still body, hooked up to a ventilator on the right. There is barely any indication of life from the lump on the bed.
Luhan takes a few steps towards the bed and sneaks a peek at the unconscious figure. Most of the boy’s face is covered with various tubes and breathing aid, but Luhan could still see the prominent features that would constitute a good-looking face.
And he is proven right when the same boy materialises on the armchair opposite of the bed and casts curious looks at them.
“Wow shit,” Luhan says in mild surprise, looking at the translucent boy.
Sehun turns around at this, and when he spots the other ghostly boy, he utters “Joonmyun” in a tone that could mean anything from “Joonmyun hey buddy” to “Joonmyun you little dickbag”.
Joonmyun’s eyes narrow and crosses his arms. “Sehun.”
Sehun slumps a little and walks towards Joonmyun. “Are you mad at me?” Sehun whines, looking down at the other boy. “Come on, it’s been four months!”
Joonmyun kicks his shin and Sehun crumbles to the floor with a pained groan. Luhan sniggers beside Sehun and chews on imaginary popcorn.
“You hit me with a car!”
“It was an accident!” Sehun protests, still on the ground rubbing out the bump on his shin.
“I’m in a coma!” Joonmyun points out, and belatedly adds, “Wait, you can see me?”
“Yeah,” Sehun replies, standing up. “I’m dead.”
“Good,” the coma patient says grumpily.
Sehun tugs on Joonmyun’s right hand and waggles around, “Come on Joonmyun, I’m sorry! Forgive me, please?”
Four months ago, Sehun had been reversing out of the school’s parking lot when he spotted Tao walking out of the admin block with a muscle tank and dark denim jeans. Sehun had been momentarily distracted by how good his arms and ass looked, causing him to overlook a poor Joonmyun walking behind his vehicle. Then there was a crash and Joonmyun went down like a rag doll.
Joonmyun parents had promised to drop the issue after intensive persuasion from the school and Sehun had been stuck cleaning the school’s toilets for two months.
Joonmyun wavers at the sight of Sehun’s puppy face and when it seems like he’s going to give in, he hardens again.
“No.”
Sehun’s face drops. “What.”
“I’ve been trapped here in this hospital for four months, Sehun,” Joonmyun looks like he’s about to tip, “Do you know boring that is? How would you like to be run over by a van, you… poop chute!”
“I said I’m sorry!” Sehun yells, “Just accept my apology!”
“No.”
“Accept it so I can go to fucking heaven.”
“No.”
Sehun roughly yanks the patient up by his collared ward pyjamas so their faces are only inches apart.
“Listen up,” Sehun’s whispers with the menace of a dead person, “I might be dead, but I can still fuck you up, you hear me?”
Joonmyun whimpers and there are sharp, electronic beeps in the background.
“I will haunt you, and I will haunt your family for the rest of their lives.” Sehun doesn’t know if he can really do that but there’s no harm is lying.
“I will personally drag them to the depths of hell and they will burn, and their flesh will rot for the rest of eternity as Satan feeds on their soul and drains their blood.”
Sehun tightens his grip on the collar, and suddenly there are long and shrill beeps from the heart monitor like it’s going out of control. Joonmyun starts to fade away, like mist evaporating into air, and then the body on the bed springs up, taking in harsh and laboured breaths through the breathing aid.
The now conscious Joonmyun tears off the mask and looks at Sehun’s direction.
Sehun grins and offers a delighted shrug. “You can’t blame me now.”
A nurse bursts through the door at this point, assesses the situation and hurriedly cries, “I’ll call the doctor!”
“Sehun, you-“
He watches Sehun slowly vanish, with another blonde haired man beside him.
“Good job,” Luhan says it in a manner that sounds like he doesn’t really mean it, but he’s only saying it because it’s in his job scope.
“I try my best,” Sehun replies, taking steady steps towards the light.
In Heaven
“Dude, there’s like free wifi and pizzas everywhere here.”
“Yeah, and there’s Marilyn Monroe over there dancing to I Got A Boy.”
“Holy shit… I’m in Heaven.”
“Wait till you see the Garden of Eden.”
“What about it?”
“Smell it.”
“… Is that... weed?”
“Why yes, yes it is.”
“… Praise the Lord.”
A/N: Must be fucking high on caffeine when this happened
Pairing: Sehun/Tao, Kris/Baekhyun
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,315
Warnings: May contain offensive material, poor attempts at humour, dead!Sehun, in need to pee
Summary: Sehun dies and realizes the trek to Heaven is fucking hard.
Times when Sehun pictures himself dying, he imagines it to be a dramatic and glorious event. Like saving a kid from a burning house, protecting a stranger from wild hyenas, maybe even fighting an armed purse-robber. Even if it weren’t that heroic, he thought at least he would look decent when he dies.
Not like this, naked in the shower.
He had always believed that he would somehow know when he's going to die, like there would be signs or premonitions warning him of his inevitable fate. But the day he dies is just another normal day in the Life of Oh Sehun. He returns to the dorm, takes a shower, comes out, slips, knocks his head against the edge of the marble sink and bam, he's as dead as last week's tuna.
It was a rather insignificant event, really, even he himself had to admit. It just happened out of the blue, without warning, or any sense of knowledge. When he wakes up as a dead soul half a minute later, the first thing he said was: "What the fuck? I died?"
He stares disbelievingly at the naked body on the tiled floor, blood pooled around his head and body sprawled in an awkward and unflattering angle. Not to mention that he was naked, which made everything look weirdly morbid and unsightly.
"Ugh," Sehun groans loudly, banging his fists against the bathroom door. "I look so uncool."
A minute later, his roommate barges into the bathroom upon hearing the loud crash and immediately fixes his eyes on the dead body.
"Hey Baekhyun," Sehun greets apathetically; well knowing his roommate of two years wouldn't hear him. He watches Baekhyun's eyes go wide as he motionlessly gapes at the bathroom floor.
Sehun tries waving his hand in front of his roommate’s face, but of course, Baekhyun fails to see it because he’s dead.
Baekhyun breaks out of his trance and scowls bitchily. "Goddamn it, Sehun, you got blood all over the tiles."
His funeral happens in a small family church his parents attended. He notes the loud wails and sobs coming from his family, and the solemn faces of his friends and schoolmates. Drifting to the front of the hall, he peers over the open casket to see himself dressed in a crisp black tuxedo, hair neatly combed back.
"They could have fixed my roots," Sehun laments, eyeing at the glaring black roots peeking out from his blonde hair.
The ceremony proceeds at an agonizingly boring rate. Sehun slightly regrets not preparing a will on stating how he wanted his funeral to be conducted when he died.
In his proposed funeral, there would be lots of booze and mixers for his friends to drown their sorrows with at the loss of Sehun. Loud screamo music will blare in the background for his loved ones to howl and wail about what a pity it was that Sehun’s dead. There would also be a segment where everyone would stand in a circle and sing a self-composed song about how great of a person Sehun was. Then he would be buried next to Marilyn Monroe.
But alas, he’s here, listening to the minister ask if anyone had anything to say about Sehun.
Baekhyun gingerly raises his hand, and steps onto the mini platform at the front. He unnecessarily clears his throat before croaking, “You can’t imagine the shock I had when I saw Sehun’s blood all over the bathroom tiles.”
Sehun’s mother lets out a particularly loud sob.
“I had so much trouble cleaning the floor, it was terrible.” Baekhyun adds, “He was an awful roommate but I’m still pretty sorry he died. On the expensive bathroom tiles. Thank you.”
Baekhyun retreats to his seat with his head lowered and Sehun wants to sock him in the eye for being more upset about his stupid tiles than Sehun’s unfortunate death. At least Sehun didn’t dirty the entire dorm with spurts of cum on various surfaces, unlike Baekhyun and his boyfriend who go at it like raging rabbits.
The next person who goes up is Jongin, Sehun’s best friend since he was twelve (not that he would ever admit it to Jongin). Jongin sniffs and pushes his hair back in an unintentionally suave manner that manages to catch the attention of his female cousins.
“Stop stealing my limelight.” Sehun clicks his tongue, leaning against the organ.
“He was a wonderful friend,” Jongin begins, his eyes watery as he scans the crowd. A few girls sigh dreamily. Sehun feels less vindictive towards him. “And as his best friend I would like to reveal something on his behalf.”
Sehun quirks a brow at this, wondering what Jongin can possibly say. Sehun’s father nods, prompting Jongin to go on.
“I would like to represent Sehun in coming out of the closet.”
If Sehun’s heart was still beating, it would have instantaneously ceased working and he would spontaneously combust. The crowd emits varying degrees of shock and bewilderment, especially Sehun’s father, who is clutching his chest in a death hold.
“Sehun found out he was gay when he was fourteen but never told his anyone that. I thought today would be a good opportunity for me to convey this for him. I think he would have wanted that.”
“NO I WOULD NOT,” Sehun screams, this close to tearing his painstakingly bleached hair out. Jongin says it with such conviction like it was genuinely what Sehun wanted, when in fact, all Sehun wanted in life was a good bowl of ramen and the entire series of Pretty Little Liars.
Jongin gravely bows with an apology and Sehun thinks he can hear Yixing covering up his snigger with a series of poorly done coughs.
Some rounds later, a petite boy with sharp eyes, monolids and orange hair appears on the stand, wiping away a trail of tearstain.
“I’m Minseok,” he greets.
“When I look at Sehun, I always thought he would become a brilliant businessman in the future,” he says it with the intonation and flair of a circus ringmaster, like at any point of time he’s going to fish out a leather whip and an unicycle.
Sehun dumbly blinks.
“He was a daisy in a field of wildflowers, the lone moon in the misty night, a beacon of hope in the cave of disparity. He was the-“
“You don’t even know him!” shouts Yixing from somewhere in the back row.
Realization dawns on Sehun and he concurs from the floor, “Yeah! Who the fuck are you?”
“I just have a lot of feelings.” The boy shrugs and leaves the hall with undeniable confidence and poise.
“He’s cute,” someone whispers in Sehun’s ear, causing him to jolt up and twist around, meeting a pair of doe-eyes.
“And who are you?” He apprehensively glances at the hightops and graphic tee. “Wait, you can see me?”
The man grins, “I’m Luhan. I’m a grim reaper.”
Sehun eyes him doubtfully. “Where’s your scythe and black cloak?”
Luhan roll his eyes. “What, do you live in the 16th century? Grim reapers have to get in with the times too, you know. Besides, I’m just here as your escort.”
“So…” Sehun squints, “You’re going to have sex with me?”
“What the hell, no!” Luhan looks utterly scandalised. “I’m here to escort you to heaven.”
Sehun claps.
“But first, we have some things to settle.”
Apparently, before the way to heaven, Sehun has to first apologise to three different people he has done wrong to in his life. It is supposed to show “the clarity of one’s heart and the willingness to move on”, according to the grim reaper with the fashion sense of a teenage skater boy.
Reluctantly, he drags his feet back to his dorm, grumpily throwing the door open, only to be greeted with his roommate sucking face with his boyfriend on the couch. Sehun curses to himself when he notices a hand sliding down Baekhyun’s jeans that are definitely not his own.
“Why do I have to do this,” Sehun grumbles to no one in particular and it manages to catch Baekhyun’s attention as the shorter boy snaps his eyes open and stares straight at Sehun.
He pushes his boyfriend away and the bigger man plummets to the floor with a gruff “ouch”.
“What the,” Baekhyun sits straight. “I thought you were dead.”
“Who are you talking to?” the guy on the floor asks, massaging his bruised head.
“I am,” Sehun replies, “I’m here to talk to you.”
“Well, this is a boner killer,” Baekyun snorts and zips his pants.
“Seriously Baekhyun, who are you speaking to?”
“Shut up, Kris, I’m talking to Sehun,” Baekhyun snaps, tossing his boyfriend’s shirt in his face.
Kris is taking this way too calmly as he deftly puts on his shirt and mumbles an “okay, sure”, before heading to the kitchen to give them some space. It’s as though Baekhyun talks to his dead and invisible friends on a daily basis. Sehun wouldn’t be surprised, in all honesty.
Baekhyun returns his attention to the translucent figure of Sehun standing by the doorway and asks, “What do you want?”
“God, I really don’t want to do this,” Sehun mutters under his breath before facing Baekhyun. “I’m here to apologise.”
“Oh,” Baekhyun instantaneously perks up and sardonically beams, “This ought to be good.”
Sehun takes a seat on the armchair adjacent to the couch. “I’m sorry for being a disgusting roommate who leaves his dirty laundry on your side of the room.”
Baekhyun nods pseudo solemnly, folding his arms across his chest.
“I’m sorry for blasting Skrillex at 1am during exam week just because I know it would annoy you. It is also to take revenge on you playing SNSD all the goddamn time.
“And I’m also sorry for that one time I told you I didn’t see your social psychology homework when in fact, I accidentally used it as draft paper and threw it away the day before.”
Baekhyun’s eyes narrow and he spits, “And I'm sorry that your dick is so small because 2/3 of it got shoved into your personality."
“However,” Sehun continues emotionlessly, “I am not sorry for secretly recording you and Kris having sex and selling it to BestGayPorn.
“YOU WHAT?” Baekhyun shrieks, having half the mind to throw himself at Sehun and pulling out every strand of that ugly, damaged platinum blonde hair.
Kris returns with a bag of chips and Baekhyun jabs a finger at him.
“Did you know that Sehun sold a sex tape of us to BestGayPorn?”
He munches loudly on a barbeque-flavoured chip and replies, “I may have gotten off to it a couple of times.”
Baekhyun gasps and punches his boyfriend in the guts, causing the latter to spit out chewed bits of chips. He turns back to Sehun and curses “Go to hell, Sehun!”
“I’m still not sorry,” he shrugs and fades out.
“That was funny,” Luhan amusedly comments, walking beside Sehun as they make their way to the second stop. The sky is dark now and both of them glow like autumn fireflies amongst the noise of night traffic and dimmed headlights.
No one sees them anyway.
At 10pm, Sehun stands behind a boy with side-shaved hair pushed back in a hairband and ear littered with piercings, watching him exfoliate his face with mild interest. After a final rinse, the gothic-looking boy gives his face a satisfactory pat and spins to leave the bathroom, only to find a translucent Sehun in front of him.
He does what every other normal human (Baekhyun not included) would do when confronted by your dead friend: he shrieks at a frequency that can only be audible by male mosquitoes and promptly passes out.
“Oops,” Sehun says unapologetically and sits outside the bathroom waiting for his friend to wake up.
When Tao regains consciousness a few moments later, he weakly crawls up from the damp bathroom floor with a pounding headache. “How did I-“
He spots Sehun and drops unconscious to the floor.
The second time Tao blinks his eyes open, Sehun immediately warns, “If you faint one more time I am going to throw you out of the window.”
Tao whimpers and curls himself into a defensive ball.
“I didn’t do anything to you, Sehun,” he sobs, “Why are you haunting me!”
Sehun sighs. The route to heaven is a much tougher than he imagined.
After multiple attempts at calming Tao down and stopping him from sobbing like a lost child in a supermarket, Sehun gives up being nice. He snatches the TV remote and swings it at the crying male sitting across him. The device squarely hits Tao’s left eye and he lets out a pained “owwwww”.
“Would you shut up and listen to my apology?”
Tao’s eyes sparkle at this, squeaking, “You’re apologizing to me?”
“Yes I am. Now shut the fuck up.”
Tao blows his nose and listens attentively.
“I’m sorry for making fun of your obsession with Gucci, although I still stand by my point that they make you look like an unfashionable old grandmother.”
“Hey-“
“I’m not done yet,” Sehun feistily snaps and Tao visibly cowers.
“And I’m sorry for tripping you in the corridors, telling you how bad your eyebags are and for calling you a ‘pussy’.”
Tao flashes a small smile.
“Because pussies are great and shouldn’t be used to describe your cowardice.“
His face falls and he flings a used ball of snot-tissue at Sehun.
Sehun pointedly ignores it and ends off with, “I’m sorry for your unfortunate taste for leopard prints; and I'm also sorry that you have an ugly face."
Tao dramatically gasps and pulls his hand towards his chest. “Take that back,” he warns, protectively stroking his leopard print sweatpants.
Sehun sighs, running a hand through his hair and subsequently getting it tangled up and having to forcefully yank his hand out.
“I’m sorry for not fucking you before I died.”
Tao gurgles, “What?”
“I might have a crush,” Sehun coughs and discreetly adds, “on you.”
“On me?” Tao’s eyes are basically reflective diamonds at this point and he inches towards Sehun, “Since when?”
Sehun thinks about it for a moment and answers, “Since I saw you with that tacky pair of leopard print jeggings and wanted to rip them off.”
“Aw,” Tao coos, flailing his arms about. “Do you still want to rip my pants?”
“No,” Sehun answers, eyeing the Chinese boy apprehensively.
“But you said you have a crush on me!”
“Had. I said ‘had’.”
“I swear I heard you say ‘have’.”
“You heard wrong,” Sehun retorts, standing up from the couch and making his way to the door. “Goodbye, Tao.”
“I’ll see you in heaven!”
Sehun fades out.
“How sentimental,” Luhan sniffs and wipes an imaginary tear from his cheek. Sehun flips him a finger.
Both of them pass through nurses buzzing around with clipboards and trays, and turn into a quieter corridor. The hospital wing smells like disinfectants and stale drugs.
“What are we doing here?” Luhan asks, closely tottering behind Sehun.
Sehun ignores him and chooses to enter a private ward at the end of the corridor, dissolving into the closed door. The ward holds a single bed at the far end of the room; on it lays a perfectly still body, hooked up to a ventilator on the right. There is barely any indication of life from the lump on the bed.
Luhan takes a few steps towards the bed and sneaks a peek at the unconscious figure. Most of the boy’s face is covered with various tubes and breathing aid, but Luhan could still see the prominent features that would constitute a good-looking face.
And he is proven right when the same boy materialises on the armchair opposite of the bed and casts curious looks at them.
“Wow shit,” Luhan says in mild surprise, looking at the translucent boy.
Sehun turns around at this, and when he spots the other ghostly boy, he utters “Joonmyun” in a tone that could mean anything from “Joonmyun hey buddy” to “Joonmyun you little dickbag”.
Joonmyun’s eyes narrow and crosses his arms. “Sehun.”
Sehun slumps a little and walks towards Joonmyun. “Are you mad at me?” Sehun whines, looking down at the other boy. “Come on, it’s been four months!”
Joonmyun kicks his shin and Sehun crumbles to the floor with a pained groan. Luhan sniggers beside Sehun and chews on imaginary popcorn.
“You hit me with a car!”
“It was an accident!” Sehun protests, still on the ground rubbing out the bump on his shin.
“I’m in a coma!” Joonmyun points out, and belatedly adds, “Wait, you can see me?”
“Yeah,” Sehun replies, standing up. “I’m dead.”
“Good,” the coma patient says grumpily.
Sehun tugs on Joonmyun’s right hand and waggles around, “Come on Joonmyun, I’m sorry! Forgive me, please?”
Four months ago, Sehun had been reversing out of the school’s parking lot when he spotted Tao walking out of the admin block with a muscle tank and dark denim jeans. Sehun had been momentarily distracted by how good his arms and ass looked, causing him to overlook a poor Joonmyun walking behind his vehicle. Then there was a crash and Joonmyun went down like a rag doll.
Joonmyun parents had promised to drop the issue after intensive persuasion from the school and Sehun had been stuck cleaning the school’s toilets for two months.
Joonmyun wavers at the sight of Sehun’s puppy face and when it seems like he’s going to give in, he hardens again.
“No.”
Sehun’s face drops. “What.”
“I’ve been trapped here in this hospital for four months, Sehun,” Joonmyun looks like he’s about to tip, “Do you know boring that is? How would you like to be run over by a van, you… poop chute!”
“I said I’m sorry!” Sehun yells, “Just accept my apology!”
“No.”
“Accept it so I can go to fucking heaven.”
“No.”
Sehun roughly yanks the patient up by his collared ward pyjamas so their faces are only inches apart.
“Listen up,” Sehun’s whispers with the menace of a dead person, “I might be dead, but I can still fuck you up, you hear me?”
Joonmyun whimpers and there are sharp, electronic beeps in the background.
“I will haunt you, and I will haunt your family for the rest of their lives.” Sehun doesn’t know if he can really do that but there’s no harm is lying.
“I will personally drag them to the depths of hell and they will burn, and their flesh will rot for the rest of eternity as Satan feeds on their soul and drains their blood.”
Sehun tightens his grip on the collar, and suddenly there are long and shrill beeps from the heart monitor like it’s going out of control. Joonmyun starts to fade away, like mist evaporating into air, and then the body on the bed springs up, taking in harsh and laboured breaths through the breathing aid.
The now conscious Joonmyun tears off the mask and looks at Sehun’s direction.
Sehun grins and offers a delighted shrug. “You can’t blame me now.”
A nurse bursts through the door at this point, assesses the situation and hurriedly cries, “I’ll call the doctor!”
“Sehun, you-“
He watches Sehun slowly vanish, with another blonde haired man beside him.
“Good job,” Luhan says it in a manner that sounds like he doesn’t really mean it, but he’s only saying it because it’s in his job scope.
“I try my best,” Sehun replies, taking steady steps towards the light.
In Heaven
“Dude, there’s like free wifi and pizzas everywhere here.”
“Yeah, and there’s Marilyn Monroe over there dancing to I Got A Boy.”
“Holy shit… I’m in Heaven.”
“Wait till you see the Garden of Eden.”
“What about it?”
“Smell it.”
“… Is that... weed?”
“Why yes, yes it is.”
“… Praise the Lord.”
A/N: Must be fucking high on caffeine when this happened