Letter to Derek that I'll never give him....
SO I have this letter-writing thing... but I'm sure he's sick of my letters by now so I'm just going to post this one here.
Derek,
I have to get this out. We talked some last night but I don’t feel as if I adequately got my point across, so when I get to you tonight (if I do) I will read it to you so maybe you’ll get it a little better. I simply express myself better in writing than in speaking. I get so lost in 100 thoughts that the right one nearly never comes out. So here goes.
I tried to write you a poem - but you won’t see it. I can’t make any sense out of my own feelings so I don’t know how I expect you to. It wasn’t that you are going out with Randi that made me nervous - it wasn’t even that you still love her, really. It was a combination of something you said and a difference in our personalities that makes it impossible for me to understand. First, to deal with the thing that you said. It was this, simply: “I just want my best friend back.” And then later when you went on to say that even if she did want you back, you wouldn’t have gone …right away. That all bothers me on a few levels. First, you’ve spoken before about how you were such good friends while you were dating - how you could talk about anything and everything. Well… then how can you not understand that what worries me is that once you are friends again… how easy a step it would be to fall back together. And then we come to the other thing that gets me. I can’t even pretend that you & I have the history you & Randi do. I liken it to Matt & I, I guess, except different - because you & Randi didn’t have that second involvement that convinced me I didn’t want him in my life anymore. There’s not much that’s more powerful than that one person - everyone has one person from their past that was first, was the most special. How could I fault you if you did get involved again? How could I be angry at you going back to something that brought you so much joy for so long? And I would never forgive myself if you passed that up for me. In a situation where you were forced to decide between me and her, I could see myself making the choice I most don’t want you to make. And I couldn’t blame you. I wouldn’t even be able to be angry. But it would break my heart….