Sense of Necessity - original

[first_spike]

Here's another story written to a prompt. As with the last one, I'll post two versions: the original and a revision. It's largely for my own benefit, but if you feel like posting comments or questions, that would be great.

This is the original, which I wrote more or less off the cuff in one-and-a-half sittings - had to stop for a bit of dinner,

Comments

[returnofwolf]

Okay, I need to talk this out and ask if my interpretation is correct...

Someone or something close to Doug has passed, probably one of his lizards (assumed by Dan's reference to his tortoise). Doug's in a funk because of it. He's out, alone, on a skate ramp. Tom and Harry assume he just needs space and leaves him alone. Dan knows that it's not space he needs and goes out to him.

Doug and Harry are close, but when Harry didn't come out, Doug's still mad at him (assumed by the pulling Harry's arm off of him).

Now I don't know if I got all that right, but what I still am not sure of is if the car leaving part was adding to the ambient environment, or if it had a point to the story. I'm assuming, as there weren't any other characters present to leave that is was just ambiance, but correct me if I'm wrong.

You know I love your style, and I am envious of your ability to jump into a story without using any background, and have it work so well. I'm interested in reading the revision.

-Z

[first_spike]

That's pretty impressive.

The key bit of background you're missing is an interview on PopWorld. Some parts happened on the skate ramp in the garden, another by the flowerbed where he'd buried a lizard a few days earlier after it died of complications from becoming eggbound. Trouble was, he'd been told it was male. He was clearly upset, not least (I suspect) because if he'd known she was female, he'd have been able to prevent it.

You're not quite there with what Danny senses and knows; maybe it comes through more clearly in the revision.

The immediate thing with Doug and Harry is actually simpler: Doug's sore, and Harry's holding him too tightly. But there's complex stuff underlying it too, including Doug's personality (at least, according to my "canon") and his relationship with Harry (ditto).

The car was purely a beat, to slow down the action. Again, see how that scene plays in the revision.

Thanks for that. I'd like to know what you think of the changes.

BTW, have you read All the Small Things? Partly because it's set in the

[first_spike]

Heh. There must be easier ways...

It was especially bad for Doug because it's a classic if only I'd known situation; worse, because he'd been told the lizard was male, he might actually have caused the problem.

Not one of Popworld's better ones: Alex managed to deeply upset two people that day (and I figure p*ed off Danny in the bargain). Past caring, or what?

BTW, there's a revised version of this story in my journal as well, and maybe another one you haven't seen.

[first_spike]

The whole how Harry was expendable because they could replace him with Drums on Demand software at any time. Harry was pretty upset about that; seems to have touched a nerve.

Just look at my journal. :-)