(no subject)
wow its been a while since ive written in this.
my summer was not entertaining and i hardly did anything.
i was just now looking through my old livejournal from last year..
my parents are being ridiculous. they wont let me grow up.
i need to let this out. i havent spent the past 2 and a half hours crying for nothing. and right now i think i need to let out everything that i have been keeping to myself lately. im positive im going to be telling a lot more than i really want to. but i need to do this.
as some of you (as in very little of you) may know, i have no self-esteem. i know that sounds cliche, and like a reach out for attention, but thats not what this is about. this is whats making me tick. this is what makes me the way i am.
over the summer, i had gained so much confidence. i swore to myself torwards the end of last school year that over the summer i was going to make myself happy with who i am. after years of being bullied, made fun of, teased, etc, i promised myself i was not going to let that happen to me anymore. i was tired of it. and i still am. i wanted to make it all go away and i just wanted people to leave me alone. id rather be some loner with no friends at all than be a kid with friends who would constantly get made fun of. i was so sick and so tired of being the punchline of everyones jokes. i was tired of being made look like a fool. everything i did, someone would find a way to make it into something hilarious in their eyes and embarrassing in mine. and sometimes i dont think they even realized it. it was either that, or they just didnt care.
when i was little, my brothers friends would constantly tease me and treat me like complete shit because they knew i was little, and wouldnt be able to do anything about it except be a "tattle tale" and i was never one to tell on people because i was too scared to. honestly, i was terrified of my brothers friends. but i was little and defenseless.
once i got into middle school, i went to shumate for 6th grade then transferred out a couple weeks after 7th because i couldnt handle how much i was getting made fun of for absolutely NO reason. i know people only did it because they knew i wouldnt ever do anything about it. i seriously let people walk all over me, i admit it. and i hate starting drama, so if anything that should have been brought up to an adult or someone, it never was because i didnt want to make things worse than what they had to be and id rather deal with the shit i get rather than having to have some stupid adults fight my battles for me. 7th grade was an amazing year for me. i was at a new school, with new people. it was a brand new start. i was friends with everyone, and no one had their own little cliques.
once i was a freshman, thats when everything started going downhill. i started doing stupid shit. im not going to mention it but im sure about 98% of you can guess what it is. anyway, i seriously started hating myself. again, that sounds completely cliche, i know. i got involved in so much fucking drama for shit that i had nothing to do with, and everyone knows i seriously HATE drama more than anything else on the planet. i fucking hate it. but i know its all part of being a girl. obviously. all the drama was making me hate myself even more. i started out the year on a good note, but as it progressed, me and all those friends eventually drifted apart. or they just drifted away from me. whichever, either way, we're not really friends anymore. and i know that we probably never will be.
its not easy to make new friends for me. considering im not very attractive, i dont have the greatest personality, and my sense of sarcasm is way too bizarre and i know that no one will ever understand it. needless to say, im willing to talk to anyone that talks to me. i wouldnt give a shit if you were just passing me in a hallway and just randomly started talking to me. honestly, i think id love it.
anyway, over the summer i had worked so god damn hard to change my appearance because i knew if i was happy with how i looked on the outside, then i would just be happy with who i was. my physical characteristics are what throw me off completely. ive never been happy with my appearance. i used to not care but once i got in high school, i couldnt help it. i started working out, eating healthier, and i did everything i could to change my appearance. i had gained so much fucking confidence over the summer, even i thought it was ridiculous. and it was because i was happy with how i looked. but a couple weeks after school started, all that ended. i started gaining all the weight back that i had worked so hard to lose. and now, im back to square 1. im back to where i was at torwards the end of last year. completely pessimistic with how i look. im back with the weight. im back with the shitty fashion sense. im back to the exact same way i was before, even though i had promised myself i wasnt going to let this happen.
ever since i gained that weight back, ive been getting called fat. now sad to say, im a little under the average weight for a person that is my height, but these days if your weight is not strictly double digits, youre fat. people started calling me fat and that triggered me. some people were joking but they took it too far. that led to me not eating for a while and working out like there was no tomorrow. but after doing all that for a couple weeks, and losing so much energy to the point where i nearly collapsed after walking up just one flight of stairs, i wasnt seeing the results that i was working for fast enough, which eventually made me unmotivated and give up. even though what kept me going was what the people had said about me being fat, i had to deal with the fact that yes, i am fat. and i know it. but im not proud of it.
i swear i am so nice to basically everyone, even if you are a complete bitch to me. im usually always the one to apologize. im always the one willing to work things out. if someone wants to fight me and beat the shit out of me, i dont even try to stop them. because first of all, im pretty weak. second, i know fighting back will make things worse. i let people beat up on me all they please. but im completely defenseless. in a way i think people only do it to me because they know ill always forgive them. but i swear i am so nice to everyone and i get nothing but shit for it. im tired of it.
ive changed a lot since ive written that. although i still do care what people think, ive began sticking up for myself more. i dont care what i weigh anymore, really. most girls on the planet look like me, so i have nothing to be ashamed of. although this summer i have lost a lot of weight, but theres no complaints about that.
i still have a bunch of pictures to put in here like the ones from frankenmuth and the ones from the mall of america but i dont feel like doing any of that right now.
my summer was not entertaining and i hardly did anything.
i was just now looking through my old livejournal from last year..
my parents are being ridiculous. they wont let me grow up.
i need to let this out. i havent spent the past 2 and a half hours crying for nothing. and right now i think i need to let out everything that i have been keeping to myself lately. im positive im going to be telling a lot more than i really want to. but i need to do this.
as some of you (as in very little of you) may know, i have no self-esteem. i know that sounds cliche, and like a reach out for attention, but thats not what this is about. this is whats making me tick. this is what makes me the way i am.
over the summer, i had gained so much confidence. i swore to myself torwards the end of last school year that over the summer i was going to make myself happy with who i am. after years of being bullied, made fun of, teased, etc, i promised myself i was not going to let that happen to me anymore. i was tired of it. and i still am. i wanted to make it all go away and i just wanted people to leave me alone. id rather be some loner with no friends at all than be a kid with friends who would constantly get made fun of. i was so sick and so tired of being the punchline of everyones jokes. i was tired of being made look like a fool. everything i did, someone would find a way to make it into something hilarious in their eyes and embarrassing in mine. and sometimes i dont think they even realized it. it was either that, or they just didnt care.
when i was little, my brothers friends would constantly tease me and treat me like complete shit because they knew i was little, and wouldnt be able to do anything about it except be a "tattle tale" and i was never one to tell on people because i was too scared to. honestly, i was terrified of my brothers friends. but i was little and defenseless.
once i got into middle school, i went to shumate for 6th grade then transferred out a couple weeks after 7th because i couldnt handle how much i was getting made fun of for absolutely NO reason. i know people only did it because they knew i wouldnt ever do anything about it. i seriously let people walk all over me, i admit it. and i hate starting drama, so if anything that should have been brought up to an adult or someone, it never was because i didnt want to make things worse than what they had to be and id rather deal with the shit i get rather than having to have some stupid adults fight my battles for me. 7th grade was an amazing year for me. i was at a new school, with new people. it was a brand new start. i was friends with everyone, and no one had their own little cliques.
once i was a freshman, thats when everything started going downhill. i started doing stupid shit. im not going to mention it but im sure about 98% of you can guess what it is. anyway, i seriously started hating myself. again, that sounds completely cliche, i know. i got involved in so much fucking drama for shit that i had nothing to do with, and everyone knows i seriously HATE drama more than anything else on the planet. i fucking hate it. but i know its all part of being a girl. obviously. all the drama was making me hate myself even more. i started out the year on a good note, but as it progressed, me and all those friends eventually drifted apart. or they just drifted away from me. whichever, either way, we're not really friends anymore. and i know that we probably never will be.
its not easy to make new friends for me. considering im not very attractive, i dont have the greatest personality, and my sense of sarcasm is way too bizarre and i know that no one will ever understand it. needless to say, im willing to talk to anyone that talks to me. i wouldnt give a shit if you were just passing me in a hallway and just randomly started talking to me. honestly, i think id love it.
anyway, over the summer i had worked so god damn hard to change my appearance because i knew if i was happy with how i looked on the outside, then i would just be happy with who i was. my physical characteristics are what throw me off completely. ive never been happy with my appearance. i used to not care but once i got in high school, i couldnt help it. i started working out, eating healthier, and i did everything i could to change my appearance. i had gained so much fucking confidence over the summer, even i thought it was ridiculous. and it was because i was happy with how i looked. but a couple weeks after school started, all that ended. i started gaining all the weight back that i had worked so hard to lose. and now, im back to square 1. im back to where i was at torwards the end of last year. completely pessimistic with how i look. im back with the weight. im back with the shitty fashion sense. im back to the exact same way i was before, even though i had promised myself i wasnt going to let this happen.
ever since i gained that weight back, ive been getting called fat. now sad to say, im a little under the average weight for a person that is my height, but these days if your weight is not strictly double digits, youre fat. people started calling me fat and that triggered me. some people were joking but they took it too far. that led to me not eating for a while and working out like there was no tomorrow. but after doing all that for a couple weeks, and losing so much energy to the point where i nearly collapsed after walking up just one flight of stairs, i wasnt seeing the results that i was working for fast enough, which eventually made me unmotivated and give up. even though what kept me going was what the people had said about me being fat, i had to deal with the fact that yes, i am fat. and i know it. but im not proud of it.
i swear i am so nice to basically everyone, even if you are a complete bitch to me. im usually always the one to apologize. im always the one willing to work things out. if someone wants to fight me and beat the shit out of me, i dont even try to stop them. because first of all, im pretty weak. second, i know fighting back will make things worse. i let people beat up on me all they please. but im completely defenseless. in a way i think people only do it to me because they know ill always forgive them. but i swear i am so nice to everyone and i get nothing but shit for it. im tired of it.
ive changed a lot since ive written that. although i still do care what people think, ive began sticking up for myself more. i dont care what i weigh anymore, really. most girls on the planet look like me, so i have nothing to be ashamed of. although this summer i have lost a lot of weight, but theres no complaints about that.
i still have a bunch of pictures to put in here like the ones from frankenmuth and the ones from the mall of america but i dont feel like doing any of that right now.