35 - Reveries
I'm not really sure what to think. I haven't really had time *to* think . . . There's a lot going on all at once. There's Joshua-san, who just commented in one of my entries and it turned out to be bad for a lot of other people. It seems to have something to do with Rosette-san's missing watch . . . And Chrono-san got hurt . . . I can't stand that. It still *feels* wrong somehow, like I got used or cheated . . . Shiki-san says I didn't, but I can't help feeling that way anyway. In the end it's not a lot to do with me . . . I'm not always sure everyone wanted me involved, but I can't *not* offer, either . . . I don't understand everything, I don't know what side everyone is on, and I don't know the story, but I have to do what I can. Even if I wasn't meant to be involved, it looks like I am now. I'm sorry, everyone. But I can help too, I promise!
Shiki-san . . . he said he likes me. That makes me happy . . . but scared, too. I think he genuinely cares about me, and I don't think he'd ever hurt me, but what about other people? I don't know how far his abilities go yet. It scares me sometimes to think what he's done, and to think that he'd do it again. Could I take that? I don't know.
Zelgadis-san used to scare me sometimes too. That single-mindedness . . . that he would have sacrificed everything for his cure. Maybe even us? Somehow, though, as time went on, I became less sure he would -- except I have to admit, the fear was always there.
It's strange . . . really strange . . . being cared about by someone you care for back. Someone who will play with you and tease you and try to make you smile when you're not feeling right . . . I love that. I want it. I'm glad for it.
Is it wrong to be scared, then, too?
That all happened on the same night, and then there was that game -- by that villain, Sho-san, who laughed very badly and talked like he won when he didn't. He wasn't a very good villain at all -- he didn't even play fair.
Someone got killed in that . . . but it's strange . . . I have a hard time feeling about anything at all.
Did I lose after all?
I wish Lina-san were around. She'd be good to talk to. I can't talk to Zelgadis-san because he's part of it, and Gourry-san . . . is Gourry-san. I think he'd listen and try hard, but he'd fall asleep.
It's okay. Maybe I can't talk about it anyway . . . not until I figure out a few things for myself.
The City definitely made life more complicated.
/private
Filtered from Joshua
I haven't seen anything about the watch yet. Hopefully someone else has . . . ? I'll keep looking! It's a lot easier without all that mist around me. ^^; I wish I knew a good finding spell . . . do you think it would work if anyone did?
And if anyone else can help, please do!