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[fivebyfive]

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
You don't know yet what you are...

*

This may call for a proper introduction.

I'm...
Speeding along Wilshire, through Westwood, he drives a small, sleek Mercedes convertible. Or maybe it's a BMW. Does it matter? It screams STATUS. It screams "I've got it!" at the top of its lungs, and whispers "...And you don

Comments

[joekest]

Wow, that's a lot of strain on the eyes from reading off of the monitor for so long. :)

Seriously, I know that many times these reflective entries are partly for yourself, to make sense of what you are feeling. However, after some rumination, I'm pretty sure there are some comments I will want to post, if you don't mind.

[fivebyfive]

Not at all. I've been writing much more private entries for the past year, so the fact that I made this one more public means that I must be okay with comments.

You could always print. ;)

[joekest]

Well, yes, I did assume that comments would be okay, but I was trying to be polite, since I am a visitor in your journal. I guess I wanted to post something to indicate that I had read the entry, but just wasn't ready to respond yet

[fivebyfive]

I feel like I'm pretty aware of key moments. Even small key moments. Some have definitely gone by undetected until later, but I overanalyze everything and always think in pretty big "how is this grilled cheese going to change my life?" terms.

And I'm not saying that I'll remain exactly the same person over the next 40 years, because I know that isn't true. But there are a lot of things that have been cemented already. The recklessness of youth is gone, and being reckless as an adult is harder and comes with many more consequences. I was in too much of a hurry to grow up, and I did, but I didn't realize that it would still take just as long to get anywhere and now I'm just biding my time. In a lot of ways, I'm angry that I worked so hard for no reason, when apparently I could've done next to nothing and gotten exactly where I am now. You may like who you are in spite of your mistakes, but I don't like me, so what how does that fit in to your ideas on mistakes?

[scipio505]

Chris, this post was a lot deeper than I was expecting. You are a wonderful writer. Your stories grabbed my attention and held it. I wanna know what happens to these people. I'd love to read your screenplays

[fivebyfive]

They're all real people, actually...so even I don't know what happens to them. I'm glad you enjoyed the writing.

Sorry to hear about your friend. That sounds like it was difficult to deal with.

[sarcasticsiren]

Some days, maybe most days, I want to cry or scream or just forget it and sleep forever. It's not that I hate my job. It's not terrible; some days it's very enjoyable. But it's not what I want, it's not what I planned, and I feel like I fell into it because I didn't know what else to do.

But I don't think anything's an accident, really. If things had gone exactly as I'd planned and wanted, I'd be on the East coast, a graduate of Wharton Business School, doing god knows what you do with a business degree and wearing a Fair Isle sweater.

So I believe everything will work out eventually. I once heard that the people who gave up on writing within the first 5 years after the USC program went on to do other things, but the people who stuck with it, even through the hard times and the poor times and the degrading retail work times, had major success in screenwriting.

Oh, and like Avril says, you're anything but ordinary. You're one of the most talented people I've ever met.

We'll make it.

[fivebyfive]

Likewise. There are a select few people from our class that I have no doubt will make it with their writing, and you are right on the top of that list. I have realized that I just can't do anything else and I do know that one way or another, if I keep writing, it will go somewhere. I question sometimes if I really want it bad enough to keep going...but the thing is, I don't want anything else badly enough, and we all need some obsession to drive us.

I feel the same way about the crying and screaming and sleeping. This all seems really far removed from what I planned, and I don't see how I did anything so wrong for things to not be better. The fact is, though, that they aren't. It's still really hard to cope with doing the very things we came to film school not to do, but I definitely agree with you.

We will.

[ravenmccoy]

hooray for panic references!

and you. one day i'll have the time to read all that, but i'm pretty sure i got the jist of it already.

[fivebyfive]

Almost all of this was written a couple weeks ago. Newer developments will have to wait for a new entry.

[my_trademark]

I still remember that one time three years ago when you came to the coffee shop. I can't believe it was that long ago, you were still at USC. It's the only image and experience I have of you. I mostly remember your wit. I have no idea where that falls in your timeline of events, but it is interesting to think about where I was then.

[fivebyfive]

Yeah, I remember that. I still go there a lot. I don't remember much of what we talked about or anything, but I think I was surprised it was the last I saw of you.

I think I kind of remember when that was. My junior year, probably. I hope the years since haev treated you well...