Why I haven't been writing much, and why 2010 should be better
I haven't been posting much in my journal for a while; pretty much just sporadic short updates and there are a handful of reasons but they all fall under the fact that I've just kind of been in a state of general melancholy and disinterestedness (I'm sure there's a better word for that, and I'm about 80% sure I know what it is, but I can't think of it right now) for about a year now. I remember it started in about my third term of school last year, with its beginnings in second term.
I had been very stressed out over my Art Education classes because they seemed so overwhelming and important and I didn't know if I could handle it. I didn't know if I would be able to be an Art Teacher. I didn't know what to do. I had gotten my first ever progress report, for my Elementary Art Education Methods and in the middle of first term I had a "D" in the class that, more than any other class so far, was absolutely crucial to my major and career. Just so I'm clear about what this said to me, having never gotten a "D" in any class before. It said that as an Art Education major, the area of study I was worst at was Art Education.
I was more than a little freaked out.
Anyway, I worked harder, ended up with a B in the class, and started applying myself more and did much better in the Secondary Art Education Methods class the next term. That term, however, was also the school musical which I was performing in as well as providing props and working on sets. It was Sweet Charity and it was the worst theatrical experience of my life. First off, the show was just awful. The worst musical I've seen to date, so I wasn't thrilled about being in it. Then on top of my already stressful Art Ed. course I was in a show I didn't like and was the sole person taking care of props, which meant that any time a prop wasn't ready for its scene (in rehearsal, they were all there before we actually opened) I got a lecture from the director, pointedly asking me where the props were and what was taking so long. One of these little rants of his he also found necessary to launch into in front of the entire cast during our post-rehearsal notes which made me feel pretty small. :[
By the time third term rolled around I was burnt out. I was putting forth just enough effort to do moderately well (I believe I got all B's and a C that term) just telling myself that all I had to do was get through the term and get to summer when I could relax, hang out with friends, and dance and sing whenever I wanted. (I love to do so, but only when I'm alone, so I don't get to do it much during the school year with the roommates coming in and out unpredictably) Well, summer came and my brother had a houseguest. One of his friends, Andy, had lost his apartment and was more or less disowned by his parents and so was staying at Stephen's house and had brought his dog along. Really, I understood and was happy that Stephen was so generous as to open his home to someone like that, but it did make me slightly uncomfortable. I'm not very at ease with people I don't know, so living with a total stranger was pretty hard for me. After a while I got used to him and grew to like him, but I still felt somewhat closed off. It wasn't long though before our father made him move out. I wasn't happy, because Andy didn't know where he was going, and on top of that, wasn't going to be able to bring his dog with him. It was sad and I didn't like it. I didn't like my father for making him do it.
That was the start of my summer. As summer went on I saw very little of my friends. I don't know what it was about this summer but it seemed that we had far fewer get-togethers than we had in previous years and I began to wonder if this group of friends, whose relationships I so prized, was starting to fade out. This, more than anything, added to the melancholy I was beginning to feel. I also felt that I was losing my faith somewhat. It wasn't really that I didn't believe anymore, it was just that I didn't love my faith the way I used to. There was a time when my faith filled my heart with a burning passion and I could feel that passion slipping away, and it was slipping away in all aspects of my life. I was less excited for everything. I was less excited to go to the lake, I was less excited to spend time with my family, I was less excited by musicals. That was another big one. I saw a lot of musicals this summer and though I very much enjoyed them and the people I saw them with, they didn't quite capture my heart the way they used to. I felt like I was just going through the motions of my life. It was like I was walking in a daze and nothing affected me as much as it should.
The summer went on that way and soon enough it was time to go back to school. I hoped that this would help jostle me back into caring and being affected by life, but it did not. Despite a lot of highs (new, stronger relationships with friends from last year, a trip to Syracuse New York to see Drew Seeley in concert) I was still not feeling things very deeply. Excitement and disappointment didn't hit as hard as they should and didn't last. I could feel myself putting less and less effort into my classes and caring less and less about that fact. I ended he term with a 2.95, my lowest GPA ever.
Second (current) term was looking better academically but emotionally and spiritually I was still pretty empty. Christmas filled me with nothing. No anticipation, no excitement, no thankfulness for my savior, no goodwill towards others. I still believed but I couldn't feel any excitement for that belief. I wondered how long this melancholy would last and then I honestly experienced a Christmas miracle. It was at Midnight mass and I can't say what exactly it was except that I was praying that God would help me to care and feel again. Pretty suddenly I could feel myself being moved by the mass. Everything seemed more beautiful and I nearly cried because I was finally feeling and there was nothing more wonderful than that after not feeling for so long. If there is anything I could compare it to the best thing I can think of would be the scene in Dr. Seuss' 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' when the Grinch finally hears the Whos singing and understands the true meaning of Christmas and his furrowed brow softens, his eyes glisten, he smiles, and everything around him takes on a warmer tone. That was how I felt. Even just writing this down again is giving my heart a bit of a tingle.
Now, it's not as if my life became sunshine and Santa Claus after that. I still have moments when I can feel myself slipping into melancholy again, but now I won't let myself do it. I work to snap myself out of it because I just do not want to go down that route again. I feel closer to my friends, family, and faith now and that's really all I need.
And about less serious matters, I just got out of my first rehearsal for this year's musical. It's a little show very few people have heard of called SWEENEY TODD! It's going to be a quote unquote "Fully Staged Concert" version which means, as the director described, will mean the ensemble will be seated onstage throughout the show, dressed in black (but apparently we're still going to have some blocking?) and the principal cast will be in full costume/wigs/make-up and acting. It's kind of boring, but the music is so complex and challenging that, even though I'm a little frightened right now, I'm sure that if I can get through it I'll be a much better singer. (especially when it comes to reading music, which I'm terrible at)
Plus there will be no props, so none of that headache this year. ;)
I had been very stressed out over my Art Education classes because they seemed so overwhelming and important and I didn't know if I could handle it. I didn't know if I would be able to be an Art Teacher. I didn't know what to do. I had gotten my first ever progress report, for my Elementary Art Education Methods and in the middle of first term I had a "D" in the class that, more than any other class so far, was absolutely crucial to my major and career. Just so I'm clear about what this said to me, having never gotten a "D" in any class before. It said that as an Art Education major, the area of study I was worst at was Art Education.
I was more than a little freaked out.
Anyway, I worked harder, ended up with a B in the class, and started applying myself more and did much better in the Secondary Art Education Methods class the next term. That term, however, was also the school musical which I was performing in as well as providing props and working on sets. It was Sweet Charity and it was the worst theatrical experience of my life. First off, the show was just awful. The worst musical I've seen to date, so I wasn't thrilled about being in it. Then on top of my already stressful Art Ed. course I was in a show I didn't like and was the sole person taking care of props, which meant that any time a prop wasn't ready for its scene (in rehearsal, they were all there before we actually opened) I got a lecture from the director, pointedly asking me where the props were and what was taking so long. One of these little rants of his he also found necessary to launch into in front of the entire cast during our post-rehearsal notes which made me feel pretty small. :[
By the time third term rolled around I was burnt out. I was putting forth just enough effort to do moderately well (I believe I got all B's and a C that term) just telling myself that all I had to do was get through the term and get to summer when I could relax, hang out with friends, and dance and sing whenever I wanted. (I love to do so, but only when I'm alone, so I don't get to do it much during the school year with the roommates coming in and out unpredictably) Well, summer came and my brother had a houseguest. One of his friends, Andy, had lost his apartment and was more or less disowned by his parents and so was staying at Stephen's house and had brought his dog along. Really, I understood and was happy that Stephen was so generous as to open his home to someone like that, but it did make me slightly uncomfortable. I'm not very at ease with people I don't know, so living with a total stranger was pretty hard for me. After a while I got used to him and grew to like him, but I still felt somewhat closed off. It wasn't long though before our father made him move out. I wasn't happy, because Andy didn't know where he was going, and on top of that, wasn't going to be able to bring his dog with him. It was sad and I didn't like it. I didn't like my father for making him do it.
That was the start of my summer. As summer went on I saw very little of my friends. I don't know what it was about this summer but it seemed that we had far fewer get-togethers than we had in previous years and I began to wonder if this group of friends, whose relationships I so prized, was starting to fade out. This, more than anything, added to the melancholy I was beginning to feel. I also felt that I was losing my faith somewhat. It wasn't really that I didn't believe anymore, it was just that I didn't love my faith the way I used to. There was a time when my faith filled my heart with a burning passion and I could feel that passion slipping away, and it was slipping away in all aspects of my life. I was less excited for everything. I was less excited to go to the lake, I was less excited to spend time with my family, I was less excited by musicals. That was another big one. I saw a lot of musicals this summer and though I very much enjoyed them and the people I saw them with, they didn't quite capture my heart the way they used to. I felt like I was just going through the motions of my life. It was like I was walking in a daze and nothing affected me as much as it should.
The summer went on that way and soon enough it was time to go back to school. I hoped that this would help jostle me back into caring and being affected by life, but it did not. Despite a lot of highs (new, stronger relationships with friends from last year, a trip to Syracuse New York to see Drew Seeley in concert) I was still not feeling things very deeply. Excitement and disappointment didn't hit as hard as they should and didn't last. I could feel myself putting less and less effort into my classes and caring less and less about that fact. I ended he term with a 2.95, my lowest GPA ever.
Second (current) term was looking better academically but emotionally and spiritually I was still pretty empty. Christmas filled me with nothing. No anticipation, no excitement, no thankfulness for my savior, no goodwill towards others. I still believed but I couldn't feel any excitement for that belief. I wondered how long this melancholy would last and then I honestly experienced a Christmas miracle. It was at Midnight mass and I can't say what exactly it was except that I was praying that God would help me to care and feel again. Pretty suddenly I could feel myself being moved by the mass. Everything seemed more beautiful and I nearly cried because I was finally feeling and there was nothing more wonderful than that after not feeling for so long. If there is anything I could compare it to the best thing I can think of would be the scene in Dr. Seuss' 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' when the Grinch finally hears the Whos singing and understands the true meaning of Christmas and his furrowed brow softens, his eyes glisten, he smiles, and everything around him takes on a warmer tone. That was how I felt. Even just writing this down again is giving my heart a bit of a tingle.
Now, it's not as if my life became sunshine and Santa Claus after that. I still have moments when I can feel myself slipping into melancholy again, but now I won't let myself do it. I work to snap myself out of it because I just do not want to go down that route again. I feel closer to my friends, family, and faith now and that's really all I need.
And about less serious matters, I just got out of my first rehearsal for this year's musical. It's a little show very few people have heard of called SWEENEY TODD! It's going to be a quote unquote "Fully Staged Concert" version which means, as the director described, will mean the ensemble will be seated onstage throughout the show, dressed in black (but apparently we're still going to have some blocking?) and the principal cast will be in full costume/wigs/make-up and acting. It's kind of boring, but the music is so complex and challenging that, even though I'm a little frightened right now, I'm sure that if I can get through it I'll be a much better singer. (especially when it comes to reading music, which I'm terrible at)
Plus there will be no props, so none of that headache this year. ;)