Phone Calls, Part 15c: Movin' On (LAST CHAPTER)
Title: Phone Calls, Part 15c
Author:
fizzerbass
Rating: NC-17 for rough, but consensual, sex
Word Count: 7,465 - so it's in three parts
Notes: Yes, you read right, I finally finished Phone Calls. Believe it? Longer note inside...
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Annie Proulx. I only own the angst and the mistakes.
Things got a little better after that. Jack was still in the grips of serious depression, no doubt, but he wasn’t so tortured any more. The grief counseling sessions Rosie found for him were mainly responsible, giving Jack a structure he didn’t know he needed and getting him out of the house, slowly bringing him back to the real world and a life outside his guilt and regret. There were days and weeks and months of two steps forward and ten steps back, of daring to be happy with Ennis one minute only to tumble head-long into an abyss of despair and anger at himself for attempting any emotion other than pain or remorse the next.
But slowly, ever so slowly, the anger turned into something else. Not quite acceptance, for he could never fully accept a world without Bobby in it, but something more along the lines of resignation. This was his life, and while he had parts he regretted with his whole being, it was life he could live with. Not easily, not peacefully, but never the less, live with and not hate himself with every breath he took. It was what it was. His past, staying in the past where it belonged.
Which left Jack to deal with his future. His future with Ennis. Or rather, dealing with the fact he was finally ready to face his future with Ennis and Ennis…wasn’t. Oh, Ennis was right there every step of the way, supporting him and sitting with him through every one of his various moods and emotional fits, and Jack knew he always would be. Ennis was definitely in it for the long haul, definitely wanted to give Jack the sweet life he’d denied him all those years ago. Trouble was, Ennis’s sweet life apparently didn’t include a sex life.
At first it didn’t bother Jack because honestly, sex was the last thing on his mind. Rosie said it was normal, said grief took its toll on a body and not to worry too much about it. That part of his life would come back to him when it was ready and not a minute sooner. Trouble was, when his dick started making itself known again, somewhere about eighteen months after Bobby and Lureen’s death, Ennis was too busy handling him with kid gloves to do anything other than hold him close in bed at night.
Jack tried. Tried to let Ennis know he was ready to join the land of the living again, giving him subtle -and some not so subtle - hints that he was ready to resume that part of their relationship. Hell, that part of their relationship had been the only part of their relationship for so long it amazed Jack they even still had a relationship without it. Which made him realize just how strong their relationship really was now, because after twenty years with Ennis, Jack knew just how much Ennis liked sex and how much the other man needed it just as bad as he did. So where was he getting it from?
Jack rolls on his back to stare at the ceiling, his hard-on making a ridiculous tent at his waist. He feels anger roll through his body fast on the heels of his arousal because Ennis has just denied him again, slipping out of bed with a mumbled, ‘got to get ready for work’. It’s the second time in three days and Jack’s sick of it. Sick of it and a little fearful, truth be told, that maybe Ennis really doesn’t want him that way any more after all he’s seen these last eighteen months.
Well, you know what? Tough shit. Jack’s tired of feeling afraid and weak and maybe he’s learned a lesson or two about saying what you mean to say before the chance to say it is gone.
“Who you fuckin’, Ennis, huh? Know you got to be getting’ it from someone and it sure as shit ain’t me. Steve been bendin’ over for you after work? Maybe you an’ Rosie are friendlier than I think?”
Ennis goes still on his way to the bathroom, his eyes glazing over with anger hot enough to burn as he growls over his shoulder. “What the fuck you talkin’ ‘bout, Jack?
Jack scrambles out of bed, circling around Ennis to get right up in his face, stabbing the tense man’s chest with each point he makes. “I’m talkin’ ‘bout the way you won’t even touch me. I’m talkin’ ‘bout the way I know there ain’t no way you’ve gone almost two years without getting’ any.” He grabs Ennis’s hand and thrusts it on his own cock. “I’m talkin’ ‘bout how much I know you like this, like touchin’ it and suckin’ it and how you ain’t doin’ it with me, so you got to be doin’ with someone else.”
Ennis pulls his hand away, pushing past Jack forcibly. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talkin’ ‘bout.”
Jack reaches out and grabs Ennis’s arm, spinning him around. “I do know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, Ennis. I’m talkin’ ‘bout exactly this!” He pulls Ennis’s hand back down to his cock. “You won’t even touch me!”
Ennis breaks free of Jack’s grasp on his hand, pushing Jack back hard at the shoulders. “I’m bein’ respectful, asshole! Tryin’ to let you get better.”
“Bullshit, Ennis.” Jack pushes right back, moving Ennis a good foot. “You were never shy ‘bout shovin’ your dick up my ass before, all those years when you knew somethin’ was botherin’ me. So what’s changed now? Got yourself another piece of ass better than mine?”
Ennis comes back close to Jack, snarling deadly but quiet in his face. “I ain’t fuckin’ no one else, Twist, so stop sayin’ it now.” His eyes squint shut, his words shooting hard enough to bruise. “I know how to keep my dick in my pants, Jack, and I got a hand for when I don’t. Can’t say the same for you, can I?”
Jack lunges forward, grabbing the straps of the wife-beater Ennis wore to bed between his hands and twisting them tight. “Fuck you, del Mar! I did what I had to do back then ‘cause you didn’t want me.” He releases his hands suddenly, jabbing his finger furiously inches from Ennis’s face. “Don’t make me do it again.”
Ennis grabs the finger and twists Jack’s whole arm, spinning him around and bending him over at the waist and shoving him on the bed. He pulls Jack’s pants down roughly, his fingers scratching red lines into Jack’s skin as he pulls his own pajamas down just far enough to get his cock out. “You ain’t goin’ nowhere, asshole.” He spits into his free hand, transferring his grip from Jack’s arm to the back of his neck to hold him in place. “Gonna fuck you so hard you’ll never go nowhere.”
Jack inhales sharply as Ennis thrusts into him fast and furious, the pain tremendous but exactly what he needs.
“You were never his Jack. I’m fucking you now. Me. This is my cock in your ass and don’t you forget it. Mine, Jack, mine.” He grabs Jack’s hips with both hands, never stopping his rhythm. “Never his...never his…you were never his.”
Jack hears Ennis’s words, beating into his brain with each angry thrust of Ennis’s cock in his ass. He doesn’t understand them at first, his mind too full of lust and rage and desire for things to make sense, but eventually, the meaning makes itself clear. This is the closest they’ve ever come to talking about Randall.
Jack is overcome with regret and anguish and now, more than ever, he needs Ennis to do this. To fuck him hard and rough and full of rage and without pity or holding back. He needs this to hurt his body as much as it’s hurting his heart to know Ennis thought Randall actually occupied any part of his heart. He needs this…
…and isn’t going to get it because now Ennis is stopping, his breath ragged and his chest heaving, his thrusts slowing to a stop. His hands release their bruising grip on Jack’s hips as his head falls forward onto Jack’s back.
“You were never his, Jack. Never.”
Ennis’s words are broken, his voice shattered as his breath hitches and he begins to cry. Jack is stunned because he’s only seen Ennis cry twice in twenty years, the last time being the day he came to Texas to find Jack passed out cold and bleeding on Bobby’s bed. There isn’t much he remembers about that day but he does remember Ennis breaking down into tears after getting him strapped into the truck. He remembers running his hand through Ennis’s curls as Ennis lay in his lap, sobbing so hard and so silently, clutching his waist as if to never let go.
Jack feels Ennis’s tears wetting his back now and realizes he has done nothing but hurt this man since he’s come to Texas. Denying his growth, refusing to see the changes he struggled to make because he, Jack Fucking Twist, was so goddamned selfish and wrapped up in his own pain. Well, not anymore. Not again after today.
He rises up on his knees, bringing his arms behind him to grab Ennis so the other man doesn’t fall backward. He gently twists his hips, letting Ennis slip from within him, and continues turning around so they are chest to chest, face to face. Ennis is hiding behind his hands and Jack reaches for them, clasping them tightly to his chest to reveal Ennis’s tear-streaked face. He leans forward, planting soft kisses all over Ennis’s cheeks, his eyes, his mouth, his nose, everywhere he can reach.
“Ssh, Ennis, ssh. Not never, Ennis, not never. Always. I’ve always been yours. Every day since I was nineteen years old, I’ve been yours.”
Ennis pulls his hands from Jack’s clasp and pulls him roughly to his chest, crushing Jack in an embrace so tight he can hardly breathe.
“I’m sorry, Jack. I never should a done that to you. Never should have taken you like that…been so rough-”
“No, Ennis, stop. You did nothing wrong. I asked you to do that to me. I made you do it, practically begged you to do it. You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.”
“But, Jack…it is wrong. I knew what you were tryin’ to do. I knew you were tryin’ to piss me off and I should a been stronger, I should a just walked away-”
“No!” Jack roars, pushing himself out of Ennis’s embrace, anger making his eyes glitter with blue flame. “Don’t you EVER walk away from me, Ennis del Mar. Ever! I need you to stand toe-to-toe with me. I need you to call me on my bullshit and I need you to not back down just ‘cause of all I been through and ‘cause you think I can’t take it. I need…”
He trails off, seeing the hurt still lingering in Ennis’s eyes. Hurt he’s caused, but hurt he can fix, too. He cups Ennis’s face in his hands, letting his thumbs caress the other man’s cheeks. He leans in and kisses Ennis…soft…sensual…his lips embracing Ennis’s top and bottom, surrounding his mouth and sealing in his want, sealing in his need for this man that runs through his body faster and deeper than the blood flowing through his veins.
“I need you to love me, Ennis. Just love me. Not protect me, not keep me safe from harm, but love me. Help me know I can feel something other than pain and regret. Help me feel alive again.”
He kisses Ennis, letting his hands push back through the other man’s hair to cup the back of his neck. He feels Ennis’s hands, warm against his lower back and let’s himself be pulled back into Ennis’s embrace. He deepens the kiss, licking gently at Ennis’s lips, loving the feel of Ennis’s tongue against his when the other man opens his mouth. Loving the look of warm brandy desire in Ennis’s eyes when he breaks the kiss.
“Can you do that, Cowboy? Can you love me like that?”
Ennis smiles, a slow, sexy smile that makes Jack’s heart beat fast in his chest as a wave of warmth spreads from his heart throughout his body.
“Keep kissing me like that, Jack Twist, and I’ll love you all night long.”
Jack laughs, little bubbles of happiness bursting inside as Ennis buries his head in his neck and starts licking and biting a trail down to his chest. He falls back onto the pillows, dragging Ennis with him and lays there as the other man gets to work. And this time, when Ennis enters him, it is soft, and slow and everything love should be. Each push, each pull relentlessly tugging on Jack’s heart, his mind, his soul.
Always…always…always.
Jack shakes his head to clear the memories, ruefully remembering the hills and valleys he’s traveled to get to this place. He looks around the room one more time and picks up his suitcase, not looking back once he leaves the room. He goes downstairs to find Ennis just coming in the front door, the other man tiredly rubbing the back of his neck as he looks up at Jack, pointing his chin in the direction of the suitcase.
“That the last one, Bud?”
Jack nods, coming to a stop at the bottom of the stairs. He expected to feel sad today, to feel bad about leaving the place where he lived with Bobby and Lureen for so long, but he really doesn’t. He searches inside, casting about for what it is he really feels and settles on content. Not happy, not sad, but content. Comfortable with what’s he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. It’s a good day.
Ennis’s words bring him out of his reverie. “Ready to go?”
He looks at Ennis, at his slim form, his strong shoulders, his weathered hands and thinks about everything they’ve been through the last two years, hell, the last twenty-two years. He feels a small curl of warmth in his belly because, yes, he is ready for this. Ready to move on, ready to go forward, ready to face his future.
“Yeah, Cowboy, I’m ready. Just…take your time getting there, okay?”
Ennis’s eyes cloud with confusion. “We’re followin’ each other, Jack. Ain’t we gonna get there at the same time? You ‘fraid your shiny new truck won’t make it the three hours it’s gonna take to get there?”
Jack smiles. “No, smartass, I’m not worried ‘bout the truck. I just got something I want to do before you get there, alright?”
Ennis looks at him for a long time, and Jack can see the worry in his eyes. He crosses the room and places his hands on Ennis’s chest, running one up to cup Ennis’s neck. “I’m fine, Ennis. Really. I’m not sad or nothin’, I promise.”
Ennis wraps his arms around Jack’s lower back, dropping their foreheads together. “Just need some time to say good-bye?”
Good-bye? No. He’s said enough good-byes to last him a lifetime. And the funny thing is he’s come to realize you never really do say good-bye to people or things you’ve loved in your life. The important ones stay with you and shape you and mold you even after they’ve gone on from your life. They’re always a part of you if you want them to be, tucked away inside where they’re safe and warm.
No, what he has in mind is more of a new hello. Hello to the next chapter of his life, the one where he still holds on to Bobby and Lureen and their good memories and the one where he gets acquainted with a life lived with Ennis. Thinking of the new bed he’s having delivered, and the new sheets he washed and hid away in his suitcase, he lifts his chin slightly to brush his lips against Ennis’s. He wants to get the new furniture all set up so Ennis walks in fresh, so they start again fresh, in a place and a bed with memories only theirs to make.
“Not exactly, but kind of. Just…when we get close, go to the store for some milk or some smokes or somethin’, alright?”
Ennis shrugs, giving Jack his own soft, sweet kiss. “Alright, Bud, if that’s what you want. How will I know when to come home?”
Jack laughs, pulling away from Ennis and getting his suitcase from where he left it by the stairs. “That’s easy, friend.” He reaches into his pocket and tosses a quarter at Ennis as he walks by him on the way out the door.
“Call me.”
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*A/N: I listened to this song, I’m Moving On by Rascal Flatts, 308 times in the writing of both this chapter and the whole story. To me, it is the very embodiment of Jack’s journey. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nleJZInNj7U