On Equal Marriage: a personal view
On equal marriage:
I am a gay woman married to a man. I love him a great deal, but I didn't marry him because I loved him, I married him because the solicitor looked me in the eye and said "you need to do this".* You see, with a 20 year age gap, the consequences of inheritance tax are not a mere fleeting "oh, I'll worry about that later". Fourteen years ago inheritance tax would have left me homeless.
So we married.
And there is that age gap.
And the knowledge that if, one day in my probably-eventual-future as a widow, I met a woman I loved, I would not be able to offer her the same deal as I offered to the man in my life.**
I have never, ever been comfortable with that. It felt like a betrayal of both the women I've loved, and the woman I might love one day in the future.
This morning I woke and for the first time ever I don't have that lurking sense of guilt I have had since 2001.
In amidst all the happiness, it's a minor point. But I know I'm not the only one in this position: one of the things that has bedevilled many who identify as bi or pan sexual, or poly and bi/pan has been the feeling that the relationships they construct are rendered unequal by the law and that this creates pressures that have nothing to do with the you-me of relationships.
So congratulations to all who marry today, and thank you to all who have fought for equal marriage.
*We had a mortgage, 10,000 books and two cats. What did I care about a piece of paper? The nightmare of dividing the books would have been threat enough to keep us going.
**Of course I was the one to propose. How long have you known us?
I am a gay woman married to a man. I love him a great deal, but I didn't marry him because I loved him, I married him because the solicitor looked me in the eye and said "you need to do this".* You see, with a 20 year age gap, the consequences of inheritance tax are not a mere fleeting "oh, I'll worry about that later". Fourteen years ago inheritance tax would have left me homeless.
So we married.
And there is that age gap.
And the knowledge that if, one day in my probably-eventual-future as a widow, I met a woman I loved, I would not be able to offer her the same deal as I offered to the man in my life.**
I have never, ever been comfortable with that. It felt like a betrayal of both the women I've loved, and the woman I might love one day in the future.
This morning I woke and for the first time ever I don't have that lurking sense of guilt I have had since 2001.
In amidst all the happiness, it's a minor point. But I know I'm not the only one in this position: one of the things that has bedevilled many who identify as bi or pan sexual, or poly and bi/pan has been the feeling that the relationships they construct are rendered unequal by the law and that this creates pressures that have nothing to do with the you-me of relationships.
So congratulations to all who marry today, and thank you to all who have fought for equal marriage.
*We had a mortgage, 10,000 books and two cats. What did I care about a piece of paper? The nightmare of dividing the books would have been threat enough to keep us going.
**Of course I was the one to propose. How long have you known us?