There Were Moments of Gold (Part Two)
It took awhile for Yixing to get adjusted to Kris’ presence almost every time their group gathered together. It was weird because that meant Kris was becoming a constant in his life again, just like he used to be. He could tell that Lu Han was clearly attracted to Kris, and Kris seemed to show interest in Lu Han as well. Yixing wasn’t sure how to feel about that.
He was beyond ecstatic because his friend was happy and that was all that should matter. Plus, he got to wheedle chocolate cake and more brownies out of Lu Han’s cheerful mood. But then there were these moments, these brief seconds where Kris said something and he felt like he was being pulled out of his own skin. At times their eyes would meet and Yixing would feel a twinge in the middle of his chest, and he would look somewhere else before it became a feeling that had to be acknowledged.
It set his teeth on edge.
“Wonderful,” Yixing murmured to himself when somehow he ended up alone with Kris in the kitchen while the rest where either Mario Kart-ing or yelling into the players’ ears. They were adults who didn’t know how to be adults.
“Could you get the chips in that cabinet above your head, Kris?” Yixing asked. Kris opened the cabinet and reached in, coming out with the chips with Lay’s brand printed on the cover.
Before he handed it over, Kris asked, “Why not still call me Wu Fan?”
Yixing’s hands involuntarily clenched. “I don’t know. That’s what everyone else is calling you nowadays.” He didn’t see the point in including that by calling Wu Fan by a different name, he could pretend Kris was a different person. Saying Wu Fan would remind him of too much of the time when Wu Fan was still his Xiao Long, his little dragon.
Kris stepped closer and set the chips in front of Yixing. Yixing kept his head turned slightly away from Kris, even though every cell of his body was responsive to how little distance there was between them.
“Don’t mess this up,” he found himself saying before he could help it. Kris paused, and Yixing knew Kris was tilting his head without looking at him. He supposed that was the thing with knowing someone more than he knew himself for two whole years. He could still instinctively sense the expressions on Kris’ face even after all this time. “You know what I’m talking about. Lu Han likes you a lot. You like him too, don’t you?”
He didn’t want to admit that he was holding his breath waiting for the answer. A quiet, “I think so”, squeezed his chest more than he expected.
“Good,” he said, even though on the inside he felt the opposite. He picked up the bag of chips and walked past Kris, taking care that they didn’t touch.
~~~
“And you still don’t call this a date?” Yixing asked, exasperated. “It’s the two of you, in a movie theatre, alone. Do you hear me?”
“Yes, yes,” Lu Han replied absentmindedly, adjusting the wrinkles on his shirt in the mirror. “Does this look okay?”
Yixing sifted through the pile of clothing that was laid out on Lu Han’s bed. He picked out a crimson jacket, and held it out to Lu Han. “Wear this. His favorite color is red.”
“What would I do without you?” Lu Han asked, taking the jacket from his hands. “It’s like I have insider’s information about Kris now. And I told you many times already, Kris and I are still friends. This is hanging out. Sort of. I’ve talked with him about this, and he wanted to take it really slow as well. Isn’t that just perfect?”
“Stupid, more like,” Yixing said.
“Tell me. What was he like when you dated him?” Lu Han looked at him with his guileless eyes.
An uncomfortable feeling clawed its way into Yixing’s chest. As much as he tried to avoid thinking about that time, it still seemed determined to carve its way through his heart. “He was really dorky. Everyone thought he was really cool and admired him for his basketball skills, but when we were alone… He could be ridiculously soft one moment and intense on the other.”
Yixing tried to choke out more words but they refused to come. The images from those years, from hot licking kisses to silly pillow fights, swam up before his eyes. He shut them, doing his best to block them out.
Lu Han was looking at him with an unidentifiable expression. “He wasn’t really like that with me. He’s polite and always composed.”
“People change,” Yixing said. “Or maybe you guys just need to get to know each other better.”
Lu Han frowned, but Yixing was already pushing him towards the door. “Come on, you’re going to be late for your date.”
“I told you, it’s not a da - “
“Yeah, yeah. Like I’m going to ever accept that. Good luck and have fun!” Yixing shut the door, and leaned his back on it. He tipped his head upwards, and slowly slid down to the floor. The initial trigger that was Lu Han’s question about his past relationship with Kris had seemed to set off a flood of some sort. His mind was providing him with unwanted images: the wondering look on Wu Fan’s face the first time that Yixing had whispered-screamed for more, more please Wu Fan, and when they were soaked to the bone from an unexpected rainfall and ended up dancing in it instead, and that one time Yixing hacked into Wu Fan’s online game account and remade the character into a girl - oh yes the expression on his dragon’s face had been so priceless. Xiao Long - Little Dragon - that was the nickname he liked to use all the time back then. He liked the way Wu Fan’s eyes would soften up at the sound of it from his mouth. His body couldn’t help but ache for the way he used to fit perfectly into the contours of Wu Fan’s body, when it felt like their souls were sliding into place as well, like they were made for each other.
Kris and Wu Fan smiled in the same way. Kris’ past self was just as aloof-looking on the outside as Kris was now. Yixing could bet that if he dug just a little deeper, this Kris would still be like the playful and passionate Wu Fan he used to know. He still had that niggling urge to close the distance between himself and Kris every time he saw him. He was a helpless moth circling a bright lamp flame, and even with the knowledge that he was going to be inevitably burned, he couldn’t help but want to flutter closer.
Yixing’s chest hurt and his eyes stung with each breath he struggled to draw in. There was a reason he had locked up all the memories of him with Wu Fan into a tiny box and stored it deep, deep down. Now that the lock was burnt through by acid, the sudden flooding of memories was a bit too much for Yixing to take.
“Shit,” he said, and then laid his head on his knees.
~~~
Their love had burned white hot, consuming them until only the husks of their bodies were left. But it had cooled and dropped below freezing point as fast as it heated up. Yixing could still recall each slice of pain he felt as they were falling out.
He ran his hand through his hair, struggling to get his mind into the real world. Work had drained him earlier, and he had difficulties coming up with innovative ideas for the spring collection. It seemed that the more he tried to push Kris out of his mind, the more Kris forced himself in.
At this moment, people were flocking into tiny groups, talking amongst themselves with plastic soda cups in their hands. Junmyeon was in the middle, practically glowing as the birthday boy. Yixing observed as Jongdae ran an inconspicuous hand Junmyeon’s back down to his ass. Junmyeon flushed as Jongdae skipped away with a tiny smirk.
Yixing snorted with amusement, and he looked around. Junmyeon’s apartment was small, but it was able to fit the 20 people or so that Junmyeon invited.
He spotted Kris’ distinctive brown hair (he would’ve spotted him even with black hair in a huge crowd, really) at the other side of the room. The intensity of the longing tightening his throat caught him by surprise. He felt like a train crash waiting to happen as he watched helplessly as Kris’ eyes wrinkled slightly in response to something Lu Han said.
“You’re crushing the soda cup,” Minseok said, appearing by his side. Yixing jerked slightly, and he looked down. The Sprite in his cup had spilled over onto his hands and his fingers were sticky now.
“I should wash my hands,” Yixing sighed.
“You were watching Kris and Lu Han, weren’t you?” Minseok’s eyes were dark in a stormy kind of way.
There was no use in denying it when he had been so obvious. “So what if I was?”
“It’s okay,” Minseok said. “I understand.” He smiled briefly, took a lingering glance at the two that Yixing were watching, and walked away.
Yixing stood there for a moment, momentarily disoriented, and then headed into the corridor where the bathroom was located. He ran his hands underneath the lukewarm water, and reached for the soap.
“Hey,” a familiar voice said right behind him. The soap flew from his hands, up into the air spectacularly, and landed on the floor.
“The fuck,” Yixing said. “Kris, you scared the crap out of me.”
“Sorry.” And there was that mischievous glint in Kris’ eyes that Yixing remembered so well. He bent down to pick up the soap and deposited it onto Yixing’s outreached hand. “I just needed to go to the bathroom.”
It tingled like crazy where Kris’ fingertips touched Yixing’s palm. Yixing concentrated on staring at the soap in his hands - he was afraid of Kris seeing more than he should in his eyes. He quickly washed his hands, and wiped them on the towel next to the sink, his hair tips on end because he was conscious of Kris’ heavy gaze on him the whole time.
“You’re wearing that sweater,” Kris said quietly. Yixing looked down and noticed that he was wearing a red cowl neck sweater. His cheeks flushed as he remembered owning a similar sweater when he was in university. Kris had informed him, while pressing heated kisses down his body and pressing cool fingers in places he didn’t even know existed, that seeing him wear it drove him crazy. “The way it hugs your body like that, it makes me jealous. I want to be that fucking sweater,” Wu Fan had said. Yixing had laughingly tugged Wu Fan’s hair and called his boyfriend a weirdo.
That memory alone made blood rush up to Yixing’s cheeks and southward as well. He bit down on his lower lip, hoping that his thundering heart beats couldn’t be heard by Kris. They were so close (it was a small bathroom, fitting for a small apartment) that Yixing could smell Kris’ chamomile tea scent, and that familiar smell made his stomach do somersaults. “It’s a different sweater,” he said, and rushed out of the bathroom quickly because he didn’t know what he would do if he had stayed there a little while longer with a man who could drive his senses haywire with one look.
Yixing downed a cup of Coke, even though that wasn’t enough to cool his body. He looked for Junmyeon because he hadn’t been able to wish him a happy birthday yet (accompanied by a suffocating hug), but instead he saw Lu Han and Minseok standing together. He took one glance at Minseok leaning close to Lu Han as if he was the air he breathed and at the stars in his eyes - and knew. I understand, Minseok’s voice echoed in his head. Yixing couldn’t believe he missed it before; it was so obvious the whole time but he had been so blind. Minseok was harboring a one-sided love towards Lu Han.
Much like Yixing with Kris.
Yixing’s hand shook slightly as he recalled his earlier bump-in with Kris. If he had moved just a little closer, if he had turned his head a little, their lips would’ve met. He would’ve probably been pushed away a second later, but -
He cut his train of thought. It was much too dangerous to be thinking, much more fantasizing, about this.
He swirled the brown liquid in his cup as he waited for the birthday cake to be brought out.
The worst thing, he thought, wasn’t even that he was falling for the same person again. It was the knowledge of how brain-melting and soul-sucking their kisses used to be, and the fact that he would probably never feel that again. The first time he fell for Kris, it felt like he was flying down towards Earth through the stratosphere like a meteorite. This time, it was like bubbling magma was running through his veins, in a torturously slow manner that he wasn’t sure he could handle much longer.
~~~
Everyone had looked up with shocked expressions when Kris laughed out loud for the first time in front of them. It was a full-bodied laugh that shook his body with mirth. Yixing had been complaining about his day when he mentioned wanting to strangle a man who let his Labrador run free in the streets. The dog had almost mauled Yixing (he was exaggerating, as usual) in his eagerness to get at the paper bag that he was holding, which contained muffins.
Yixing had also stared, wide-eyed, at Kris’ reaction. There was that indescribable pain mixed with pleasure tightening around his ribs again, which seemed to happen around Kris way too often nowadays. Being away from Kris made the oxygen he breathed feel like cardboard paper, while with him, it felt like he was tightening a noose around his neck yet desperately wishing for one more glance, one more smile at the same time.
“You really haven’t changed,” Kris said, sipping on his over-sugared coffee with an awkward one eye squint and a satisfied smile.
Yixing looked down on his latte, trying to remember the proper way to inhale. Lu Han had on that mysterious expression again.
~~~
“You’ve been very strange the past few weeks,” Lu Han said. Yixing stuffed his face into the freezer as an excuse to not look at his friend. He came out with a tub of ice cream.
“Work had been tiring lately,” Yixing said.
“Not just that.” The tone that Lu Han used seemed to imply that he already knew exactly why Yixing was being weird.
“Ice cream?” Yixing held a spoon out to Lu Han. Lu Han shook his head.
“I’m going out soon,” Lu Han said.
“What? It’s a weekend. Where are you going?” Yixing stabbed the spoon into his ice cream, trying to get through the thin layer of ice that had gathered on the top.
“On a date.”
Yixing tried to pretend that those three words did not affect him as it really did. But it was really hard to fake an emotion when there were sharp needles going through his heart. He didn’t trust himself to say anything without his voice cracking, so he just stuffed a spoonful of pistachio flavored ice cream into his mouth.
“With Minseok,” Luhan continued. Yixing’s hand jerked just so that the spoon smacked right into the middle of his forehead.
His gob smacked expression must’ve been comical to look at, especially with the spoon sliding down his face, because Lu Han started hysterically laughing. He gently pried the spoon from Yixing’s forehead, and wiped the ice cream away with a paper towel.
“Did I hear that right? You’re going on a date with Minseok?” Yixing asked, still shaken by the revelation, and the weird cool spot on his forehead wasn’t helping any.
“Affirmative.”
“He asked you out?”
“Negative. I finally got the hint that he liked me, and I asked him out.” Lu Han’s eyes sparkled.
“What about Kris?” Yixing couldn’t help but blurt out.
“That’s for you two to work out,” Lu Han said. Before Yixing could say anything else, Lu Han was hitching a bag on his shoulders and heading out to their door. Yixing followed him like a baby duckling.
“I - I don’t get what’s going on,” he said.
“You will, soon.” Lu Han smiled, and opened the door. He blinked as when Kris stumbled forward with the door. Yixing gaped. It looked like Kris had been lying against their apartment door.
“Hi Kris, bye Kris, and good luck,” Lu Han said, and then flounced out the door, closing the door on the two of them with a malicious grin on his face.
“I feel like I’m in a Kdrama,” Yixing muttered to himself.
“Hi Yixing,” Kris said.
“Hi Kris.”
They stood for a minute or two in awkward silence.
“Ice cream?” Yixing held the ice cream out towards Kris.
“Sure, why not.”
They ended up sitting on the sofa, sharing the ice cream with two spoons. Yixing was watching Kris carefully for any sign of heartbreak, when Kris looked back at him and he froze.
“Do you remember what we fought about seven years ago?” Kris asked. Yixing hadn’t been expecting this topic to be brought up, but he furrowed his eyebrows in concentration nevertheless.
“Sadly, I really don’t.” Yixing laughed lightly. “We were really angry at each other, though.”
“Yeah.”
Yixing could barely recall what they were yelling at each other about, just the fact that each fight escalated in intensity. They knew each other’s worst weaknesses, and since they loved each other so much, they also had the ability to hurt each other the most. They used to wield words like they were knives that cut deeply into their skins. Yixing emerged out of each fight feeling like a scarred veteran, worn down and beaten. The salty tears had traveled down both of their faces at one time or another during that tumultuous period.
They broke up, but that didn’t mean Yixing had ever stopped loving Wu Fan.
“How did you get ice cream on your eyebrows?” Kris chuckled, and reached forward with his hand to wipe it off. Yixing watched, entranced, as Kris licked his index finger clean.
“What do you want from me?” Yixing asked, feeling utterly defeated. Please, he thought, stop it. He didn’t know whether or not that thought was directed to Kris or to the hopeless longing he felt.
Kris looked startled by Yixing’s question. Then his eyebrows pushed down, and there was a darkening in his eyes. Yixing had seen those dark eyes many times before in the past, but he couldn’t believe he was seeing it now.
“What if I told you that I want everything from you?” Here Kris set the tub of ice cream on the glass table and crawled towards Yixing. Yixing sat transfixed like a stone statue. “That I want to breathe in your exhales again, that I want those evening walks along the park with you, that I want your heart? Would you reject me?”
Now there was just an inch between their lips, and Yixing shivered. It was really happening, he thought, because he could smell the sweet chamomile tea of Kris’ breath.
“You already have it, Xiao Long,” Yixing said, his mouth dry. “You already have my heart.”
Kris’ eyes blazed, and he closed the distance between the two. The kiss was wet and sloppy, and Yixing felt like he forgot how to properly kiss when Kris was flooding his senses like this - but it didn’t really matter since Kris’ hands were holding his hips firmly, just like how it was seven years ago except his hands were slightly bigger now and felt even warmer, if that was even possible.
They drowned in each other, and it was like Yixing’s body knew exactly how to move, how to draw the long and soft whines from the base of Kris’ throat. Still maintaining as much contact as possible, Yixing led Kris backwards into his bedroom. He could feel that they both wanted this, needed this, right now. There really weren’t any words necessary, instead their bodies formed a wordless conversation with each other.
I missed you, Kris’ tongue seemed to say as it lapped at the hollow space right above Yixing’s clavicle. Yixing’s hands responded back with equal fervor, caressing and traveling along the planes of Kris’ chest.
Before he could process anything else (his mind was at full overload), they were both naked, pressed flushed together. Yixing watched with a hot gaze as Kris rolled a condom on and lubricated his length. Yixing started babbling gibberish at the overwhelming feeling of Kris entering him. They melted together, and fell and flew at the same time, the exhilarating height driving them way up high, beyond the atmosphere. After Yixing reached his climax, shaking and trembling the whole time, he admired the beauty of Kris as he broke down as well. Kris collapsed on top of him, and they became a sweaty heap of two humans who were halves of the same soul.
“You’ve gotten heavier,” Yixing remarked. Kris swatted his side, and then leant in for another kiss.
~~~
“I got a promotion!” Jongdae gleefully exclaimed as soon as he entered the café. Junmyeon gave him a peck on the cheek for congratulations, which Jongdae pouted at because it was not enough.
“That means we should throw a party!” Lu Han bounced on his seat, which happened to be Minseok.
“Stop moving, god damnit,” Minseok complained, but he looked plenty happy with his arms around Lu Han’s waist.
“Another party?” Kris asked, not even batting an eyelash when Yixing stole his coffee for a sip or two.
“Why not?” Yixing smiled devilishly. “More food for me.”
Kris shook his head and wound an arm around Yixing’s shoulder. There was a warm bubbling kind of feeling rising in Yixing’s chest at that gesture, no matter how many times it happened. “I’m afraid my boyfriend is going to get fat soon,” he said to the rest of the gang. Chanyeol guffawed and Baekhyun covered up his smile with his hand.
Yixing glared Kris. “I have a very fast metabolism, thank you very much.” He then leant his head on Kris’ shoulder. He started playing with the strings on Kris’ jacket, eyes half-lidded. He was feeling on top of the clouds because he had finished designing the spring collection yesterday and Kris’ warmth against his side embodied everything that was perfect.
Apparently, he had found his muse. Or maybe his muse just needed to reappear again in the shape of his ex-ex-boyfriend.