Grief & Guilt
It seems I only write about death here anymore.
Thursday night,I got home from work and let the dogs out just like I do every evening. I was still in my skirt & heels, wearing my good work coat that was way too thin for the weather. Rocky took off after something in the backyard. We think it was a deer but we're not sure. Either way, he chased it through the swamp out onto Concord Road at rush hour where he was struck by a car and killed. The driver didn't stop. Someone behind him called it in.
Josh & I spent hours looking for him, walking the woods and roads around the house, in the areas he's gone to in the past we he'd pulled this hoidini stunt. It was freezing cold and pouring and I was so damn mad at him for picking such a miserable night to run off. I walked my feet bloody before I came into the house long enough to get real shoes on.
When we finally gave up and decided to contact animal control, we saw the tweet on their streaming feed. Mv Accident Involving an Animal, 3XX Concord Road. The time stamp on it was less than 10 minutes after he had gotten loose. I think Josh knew immediately but I didn't want to believe it until the police confirmed that it was belgium shepherd that had been killed.
They told us the police would meet us in an hour to show us where the body was but I woudln't wait. He'd already been out in the cold and rain for two hours, I couldn't leave him out there any more and a part of me hoped the cops hadn't really looked hard enough, that Rock was still alive. It took us almost 40 minutes of walking the same quarter of a mile but we finally found him. He was already stiff and cold and there wan't a mark on him that we could find. The police said he was gone before they got to the scene. I hope he died instantly. I fear he died in pain and fear alone in the rain beside a bunch of cars full of people too heartless to stop and help him.
I've been crying pretty much non-stop ever since. All that keeps going through my head is that it's my fault it's my fault itsmyfault. He was my dog, in every sense of the word, and I should have protected him. If I'd paid more attention when we first went out into the yard, I could have kept this from happening. It was all just so damn arbitrary. A million little changes in that evening and the deer would have been gone or I would have stopped him before he got to the woods or he would have run into one of those drivers who stop traffic for a dog in the street, not the asshat who didn't have the compassion or courage to come back after hitting someone's pet.
Everything in the house is a constant reminder that I lost my best boy. He's not clicking around, patrolling the upstairs as we fall asleep, he's not meeting us at the door when we come home or grumbling at the girls for getting in his face. There is this great big hole of silence in the house, so much bigger than the space he physically took up. His body was so small and cold.
The only up side, if you can call it that, is that it could have been worse. Rocky was on a leash that he got out of. Tia & Taks were both running free. Thank god Tia has a dead on recall and came zooming back as soon as I called and she brought Taks with her. Rocky, though, knew he was beyond my reach and he wasn't come back until he'd had his fun. I hope it stayed fun clear up until the end. I hope he chased that damn deer right out into traffic and never saw what hit him. I hope he was still full of that crazy glee of chasing something just out of reach. I hope he never even noticed the damn cars.
Every single day that I had him, I told him he was the best puppy in the whole world. I also used to tell him that I was going to keep him forever. I knew the second one wasn't true but I didn't expect this. I thought we were going to have make that hard choice years from now when he was grey and crotchedy and we'd been carrying him up the steps every night for months. I thought I'd get to have him on lap and pet his face and tell him he was the best dog ever and that he was such a good boy and he'd slip out knowing how much he was loved. I thought I'd get to say goodbye.
Thursday night,I got home from work and let the dogs out just like I do every evening. I was still in my skirt & heels, wearing my good work coat that was way too thin for the weather. Rocky took off after something in the backyard. We think it was a deer but we're not sure. Either way, he chased it through the swamp out onto Concord Road at rush hour where he was struck by a car and killed. The driver didn't stop. Someone behind him called it in.
Josh & I spent hours looking for him, walking the woods and roads around the house, in the areas he's gone to in the past we he'd pulled this hoidini stunt. It was freezing cold and pouring and I was so damn mad at him for picking such a miserable night to run off. I walked my feet bloody before I came into the house long enough to get real shoes on.
When we finally gave up and decided to contact animal control, we saw the tweet on their streaming feed. Mv Accident Involving an Animal, 3XX Concord Road. The time stamp on it was less than 10 minutes after he had gotten loose. I think Josh knew immediately but I didn't want to believe it until the police confirmed that it was belgium shepherd that had been killed.
They told us the police would meet us in an hour to show us where the body was but I woudln't wait. He'd already been out in the cold and rain for two hours, I couldn't leave him out there any more and a part of me hoped the cops hadn't really looked hard enough, that Rock was still alive. It took us almost 40 minutes of walking the same quarter of a mile but we finally found him. He was already stiff and cold and there wan't a mark on him that we could find. The police said he was gone before they got to the scene. I hope he died instantly. I fear he died in pain and fear alone in the rain beside a bunch of cars full of people too heartless to stop and help him.
I've been crying pretty much non-stop ever since. All that keeps going through my head is that it's my fault it's my fault itsmyfault. He was my dog, in every sense of the word, and I should have protected him. If I'd paid more attention when we first went out into the yard, I could have kept this from happening. It was all just so damn arbitrary. A million little changes in that evening and the deer would have been gone or I would have stopped him before he got to the woods or he would have run into one of those drivers who stop traffic for a dog in the street, not the asshat who didn't have the compassion or courage to come back after hitting someone's pet.
Everything in the house is a constant reminder that I lost my best boy. He's not clicking around, patrolling the upstairs as we fall asleep, he's not meeting us at the door when we come home or grumbling at the girls for getting in his face. There is this great big hole of silence in the house, so much bigger than the space he physically took up. His body was so small and cold.
The only up side, if you can call it that, is that it could have been worse. Rocky was on a leash that he got out of. Tia & Taks were both running free. Thank god Tia has a dead on recall and came zooming back as soon as I called and she brought Taks with her. Rocky, though, knew he was beyond my reach and he wasn't come back until he'd had his fun. I hope it stayed fun clear up until the end. I hope he chased that damn deer right out into traffic and never saw what hit him. I hope he was still full of that crazy glee of chasing something just out of reach. I hope he never even noticed the damn cars.
Every single day that I had him, I told him he was the best puppy in the whole world. I also used to tell him that I was going to keep him forever. I knew the second one wasn't true but I didn't expect this. I thought we were going to have make that hard choice years from now when he was grey and crotchedy and we'd been carrying him up the steps every night for months. I thought I'd get to have him on lap and pet his face and tell him he was the best dog ever and that he was such a good boy and he'd slip out knowing how much he was loved. I thought I'd get to say goodbye.