James's Day In Hospital: The Movie
SCENE: INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
JAMES, leg in a cast, crutches by his side, sits at the end of a row of chairs, surrounded by people with similarly plastered limbs. He is reading a copy of Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton. We see he has just started it. He looks from his watch to the poorly-spelled announcement on a whiteboard next to the reception desk: "Unfortunatley due to staff shortages add 1hr10min to apointment waiting times". He sighs and goes back to his book.
HIGH-SPEED FOOTAGE shots of people coming and going, as a NURSE calls out names. JAMES carries on reading. When we RETURN TO STANDARD SPEED, we see he is about half an inch into it.
NURSE (O/S)
James Hewitt?
JAMES
What? Oh! Yes. Here.
JAMES puts his book away in his bag, forgetting to bookmark his place, picks up his crutches, realises he isn't carrying his bag or wearing his coat, balances on one leg while he puts his coat and bag on, picks up crutches, nearly walks into someone, then reaches nurse.
JAMES
Sorry.
NURSE
This way...
SCENE: INT HOSPITAL EXAMINATION ROOM
JAMES is sat on an examination bed, still reading his book. We see he's about an inch into it. He looks bored. A heavy-set DOCTOR enters.
DOCTOR
Sorry to keep you waiting! It's a bit busy today. Anyway, let's get that cast off...
The DOCTOR proceeds to hack at the cast with a pair of scissors, then pulls at it until it breaks away. JAMES flexes his leg experimentally. It looks considerably less muscular than his other leg.
JAMES
Ooh. Ow. Wow. That's weird, being able to do that.
The DOCTOR starts prodding various places on JAMES'S foot.
DOCTOR
Does this hurt?
JAMES
Nope.
DOCTOR
How about this?
JAMES
Not really.
DOCTOR
This?
JAMES
Little twinge, but nothing to shout about.
DOCTOR
Right then! All good, up you get, pop your shoes on, you're better.
JAMES looks momentarily taken aback.
JAMES
...eh? That's it? I thought it was going to be six weeks?
DOCTOR
Oh, no, shouldn't need to be. Unless you want a cast on there. Do you want a cast on there?
JAMES
No, thanks. I'm looking forward to being able to bathe. I'm surprised we haven't all died from the stench wafting off my leg, to be honest. It does look a bit weird, though, doesn't it? I mean, it's all wasted away.
DOCTOR
Yes, I was going to say... How's the other one so well-built?
JAMES
Oh, you know. Being a bit chunky, walking around a lot... these legs have learned to carry weight.
DOCTOR
Well, I've got the chunky part down, I'll have to work on the walking! Arf arf!
JAMES stands up, and winces.
DOCTOR
You okay there?
JAMES
Think so... just a bit of cramp around the back of my calf.
The DOCTOR looks concerned, gestures for JAMES to get back onto the bed, and examines the area in question.
DOCTOR
Does this hurt?
JAMES
Somewhat.
DOCTOR
How about this?
JAMES
M-hm.
DOCTOR
This?
JAMES
Ow, and ow again.
DOCTOR
Well, that's probably a bit of cramp... Do give us a call if it doesn't go away, eh?
The DOCTOR looks unconvinced.
JAMES
Yeah, will do. Am I good to go, then?
DOCTOR
Certainly, just pop your shoes on and you're away.
JAMES
Right. About that. Thought I was getting more plaster, didn't bring a right shoe. Or, indeed, a right sock.
DOCTOR
We could put plaster on there if you like...?
JAMES (immediately)
No! No, that's fine. Honest. I'll cope!
JAMES removes his left shoe and sock, moves the sock to his right foot, then puts the shoe back on.
JAMES
It'll do for now. I'm off, then! Thanks.
JAMES moves towards the door.
DOCTOR
...actually, on second thought, I want that looked that. There's a minor chance it could be a blood clot.
JAMES
Balls.
The DOCTOR starts handing JAMES paperwork and envelopes.
DOCTOR
You need to go to Pathology for some blood tests, then head over to DVT in the CDU to have it checked properly.
JAMES looks blank.
DOCTOR
...tell you what, just take this green piece of paper to the receptionist, she'll tell you where to go. After that, go to the CDU - ask someone, they'll tell you where it is - and give them this brown envelope. You're good to carry all this, right?
JAMES
Right. And what are my chances of getting back to work for the second half of the day?
DOCTOR
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Cut from DOCTOR'S reassuring smile to-
SCENE: INT. DIFFERENT WAITING ROOM.
JAMES sits at another row of chairs, book in hand, surrounded by different people. He clutches a laminated green sheet of A5 card with a number "46" on it. The oversized brown envelope the DOCTOR gave him is protruding from his bag.
NURSE (O/S)
Twenty-seven!
The man sat four seats down from JAMES gets up with his green card ("27") and walks out of shot. James rolls his eyes, checks his watch and goes back to his book. He's an inch and a half through it.
HIGH-SPEED FOOTAGE shots of JAMES sitting very still and reading, checking his watch every so often, as people get up all around him and walk out of shot, and other people walk into shot and sit down with green cards. Each time a person gets up, James checks his card. Seventeen people later, cut back to standard speed.
NURSE (O/S)
Forty-four!
JAMES puts his book away as another patient goes off-screen. He pulls his coat on. He slings his bag over his shoulder. He gets into his crutches.
NURSE (O/S)
Forty-five!
Another patient disappears. JAMES looks up at a sign on the wall.
C/U on sign: "If you are waiting for a blood test, please remove coats and jackets and roll up sleeves in waiting room."
JAMES rolls his eyes, gets out of his crutches, takes off his bag, takes off his jacket, tries to tuck his jacket into his bag, realises it won't fit, slings it over the top of his bag instead, puts his bag on, gets into his crutches.
NURSE (O/S)
Forty-six!
JAMES gets up and walks off-screen.
FADE TO BLACK.
SCENE: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
JAMES hobbles into shot, jacket sleeve rolled up and ball of cotton wool taped to the inside of his elbow, clearly enjoying being able to use his right foot (even if it's not quite up to holding his weight yet). He pauses and looks up at a sign, confused. He stops a passing HOSPITAL PORTER.
JAMES
Excuse me... which way to the CDU?
PORTER
Well, sir, that'd be up that corridor there, right, then take the third left, right, and it should be signposted from there. Right?
JAMES
Not sure I quite follow. Signposted, though, you say? I'm sure I'll manage.
PORTER
Right you are, sir!
The PORTER starts walking away.
JAMES
Before you go--
PORTER
Mm?
JAMES
What does CDU stand for, anyway?
FADE TO BLACK
SCENE: INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR W/ RECEPTION DESK
A NURSE is sitting behind the desk, typing at a computer. An ORDERLY is standing by the desk, talking to a second NURSE. The DUTY DOCTOR is filling in paperwork at the far left of the desk. JAMES walks up to desk, and is totally ignored by all present. He fumbles with his bag, takes out the brown envelope, places it on the counter. It is ignored. He looks around at them all, perplexed. Eventually the DUTY DOCTOR looks up, smiling as if JAMES hadn't been standing there for a good minute already.
DUTY DOCTOR
Can I help you there?
JAMES
Right. I came here - this is CDU, right?
The DUTY DOCTOR nods.
JAMES
Right. So I came here from Pathology, because when I had my cast taken off this morning -
JAMES gestures to his sock-clad foot.
JAMES
- the doctor said he was worried I had a blood clot. So I had blood tests and now I'm here for an examination. I'm trying to get to work for after lunch, reckon there's any chance of that still?
DUTY DOCTOR
Oh, I imagine so.
NURSE AT COMPUTER looks up, at last.
NURSE
Are you James Hewitt?
JAMES
Yes!
NURSE
Right, go along to the day ward, and someone will be along to see you shortly.
JAMES has a look of triumph on his face as he starts off towards Day Ward. 'This is all nearly over', says the expression, 'and I survived!'
CUT TO:
SCENE: INT. DAY WARD, A SIZEABLE ROOM WITH CHAIRS ALL AROUND THE EDGES, A TV IN ONE CORNER (CURRENTLY SHOWING "THIS MORNING", WHERE FERN AND PHILLIP ARE TALKING SOME DROSS ABOUT WHAT KIND OF SUNGLASSES YOU SHOULD WEAR TO SUIT YOUR FACE SHAPE - THE ANSWER TO WHICH ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE "LARGE, TACKY, 80s-STYLE PLASTIC ONES!") AND A TABLE IN THE MIDDLE WITH SOME MORE CHAIRS SET OUT AROUND IT.
JAMES is sat on a chair, his expression stony and resigned. He appears to have nearly finished his book. He looks at his watch, and sighs. An ORDERLY opens the door and walks in with a snack troller.
ORDERLY
Would anyone like a hot drink?
JAMES looks up, curious.
JAMES
How much are they?
ORDERLY
You don't have to pay.
JAMES looks surprised, and goes for a tea in a beige plastic cup. There are biscuits on the trolley, which he looks at longingly, but he doesn't ask for one, and one is not offered. He takes a sip of tea, and resumes reading.
CUT TO:
SCENE: INT. DAY WARD.
The empty plastic cup sits on the chair next to JAMES. A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN with her arm in a sling is now sitting two spaces down from him. He is clearly into the final chapters of the book.
JAMES
(Muttering) But if Malcolm dies, how come he's back in the sequel?
The ORDERLY returns, now with a trolley of sandwiches.
ORDERLY
Who would like a sandwich?
JAMES looks at his watch. The chances of him getting to work appear to be growing slim. He shrugs, and raises a hand.
ORDERLY
Tuna, ham, egg, cheese, or mixed cheese?
JAMES
I'll admit, the mixed cheese has intrigued me.
WOMAN
Ooh, you're adventurous. I'll just have the normal cheese.
JAMES
So what's in the mixed cheese?
ORDERLY
Cheese.
JAMES
...right. Okay then. Mixed cheese it is.
ORDERLY gives out sandwiches and leaves. JAMES opens his sandwich and has a look.
JAMES
Right. Cheese and cream cheese.
WOMAN
Lucky so-and-so, I like cream cheese!
JAMES
I'll swap you if you like.
Before the WOMAN can respond, a SPECIALIST NURSE TYPE PERSON comes in and smiles at JAMES.
NURSE
Right then, we're ready for you!
JAMES looks at his sandwich in dismay.
NURSE
Oh, sorry! If you're eating, we'll come back later, if you like.
JAMES immediately drops the sandwich into his bag, followed by his book.
JAMES
No! No, no, it's all good. I'll eat it later.
JAMES gets up, gathers his things, and leaves the room.
WIPE CUT TO:
SCENE: INT. DAY WARD
JAMES enters, the NURSE just behind him. He takes a seat.
NURSE
Right, so the Doctor will be along shortly, and he'll have a look at you. The blood tests show there's no clot, but we like to be sure.
JAMES
And my chances of getting back to work...?
The NURSE gestures to a payphone.
NURSE
Might be worth giving them a call.
JAMES gets up as the NURSE leaves and walks towards the phone.
FADE TO:
SCENE: INT. DAY WARD.
JAMES sits in a different chair this time. The room has about a dozen people in it now. The TV is now playing a black and white cowboy movie. James is rescuing components of his sandwich from his bag... Or, rather, rescuing his bag from the components of his sandwich. He has removed all the bag's contents and laid them on the chair next to him. There appears to be cheese on everything. He upends the bag over a plastic carrier bag he has opened out on the floor in front of him, and shavings of whitish-yellow cheddar cascade out. He puts everything back in the bag, wipes the cream cheese from the cover of his book, and carries on reading. The door opens and the NURSE looks in.
NURSE
The Doctor's here!
JAMES places a single strand of cheese into the book to mark his place, gets up, gathers his things, and hobbles out.
CUT TO:
SCENE: INT. A DIFFERENT EXAMINATION ROOM
JAMES sits in a different bed with a different DOCTOR examining him.
JAMES
You know, I only came in to have a cast removed.
DOCTOR
Right... so it says here that you've been having some shortness of breath.
JAMES
I'll admit, I'd been putting it down to the asthma. Or the fact that I'm horrendously out of shape.
DOCTOR
Either way, there's a risk that you had a blood clot, and that it's moved up into your lung.
JAMES
Balls. Again.
DOCTOR
I'm sorry?
JAMES
...sorry, it was a reference to an earlier scene. You weren't there.
DOCTOR
Are you breaking the fourth wall?
JAMES
Look, I don't know what's going on, okay? This started as a perfectly normal Livejournal post, and now it's become some kind of freaky Vaudeville act where I'm getting bandied about from place to place. I'll admit that it's a fairly accurate representation of how I was bandied about from place to place, but I honestly don't know what all the self-referential humour and semi-fictional comedy is about.
DOCTOR
...eh?
JAMES
Look, I'm just a character. If you want to talk semantics and try to make sense of this, you need to speak to the other James. The one who's writing this drivel.
DOCTOR
Sorry, I'm really not following you.
The DOCTOR stares blankly, confused. JAMES looks at the camera, scowls, rolls his eyes, and prods the DOCTOR
JAMES
...so you were saying about my lungs.
The DOCTOR leaps back into his explanation as though the previous exchange never happened.
DOCTOR
...so we're going to send you for a chest X-ray, just to be on the safe side.
JAMES
Is that likely to take long?
DOCTOR
Oh, no, not at all! There's hardly ever a queue.
C/U on JAMES'S exasperated expression before we CUT TO:
SCENE: INT. X-RAY DEPARTMENT WAITING ROOM.
The room is packed out, easily the busiest waiting room yet. JAMES sits between two people, his bag on his lap, holding his crutches, gazing with pure contempt at an electronic message board which reads "DUE TO EQUIPMENT MAINTENANCE, WE ARE RUNNING APPROX. 90 MINUTES BEHIND SCHEDULE. WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE."
JAMES looks at his watch. Cue another HIGH-SPEED FOOTAGE shot, JAMES motionless, while all around him people are called up and leave the shot. More people are coming in to the waiting room, twice as quickly as people are being called up.
Cut back to NORMAL SPEED:
NURSE (O/S)
James Hewitt!
JAMES is shaken from his reverie and gets up. He staggers out of shot.
CUT TO:
SCENE: INT. X-RAY THEATRE
JAMES is standing up against an X-RAY machine, in conversation with a NURSE who is standing behind a large screen.
JAMES
...and I only came in to have my cast looked at!
The NURSE looks completely uninterested as she holds up a controller and clicks the button. There is an entirely incongruous, overly dramatised "flash" (like a 1930s flashbulb going off).
CUT AT FLASH TO:
SCENE: INT. DAY WARD
JAMES is sat in yet another chair, looking straight at camera. The window shows that night has fallen.
JAMES
That was ridiculous. X-Ray machines don't flash. And while we're on it, this should be about half two in the afternoon. I appreciate dramatic license, and all, but there are far less lazy ways to express passage of time than just making it dark outside! I wouldn't be surprised if zombies attacked next. Total work of fiction... Muddying the waters, that's what this is! People won't know what was real and what wasn't!
JAMES gets up and approaches the camera. The others in the waiting room ignore him. He walks forwards slowly as he speaks.
JAMES
I'll have you know that the waits really were that long and agonising. I did read pretty much the entirety of Jurassic Park. I was going to read the sequel, but it reminds me of hospitals so much that I can't bear to. I honestly did hobble around a hospital all day with a shoe on one foot and a sock on the other. In cutoff jeans, no less, because I thought they'd be convenient for the plaster room people. And I hadn't had a shower. I thought I'd be in and out in an hour! I was in for over five hours in the end! Hellish! It was--
Cut 180° to show NURSE at door.
NURSE
James? Turns out it was cramp. You can go home.
Cut back 180° to show JAMES sat calmly in his chair, holding his book.
JAMES
Nice one. Thanks!
JAMES gets up and, with a short, sidelong glance at the camera, walks out of shot.
Cue Scrubs theme. Or something. And roll credits.
THE END