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Do You Have True Friends? (Are You a True Friend?)
Came across these words by psychological researcher Murray Oxman - "Sadly, it is human nature to gravitate to those people who tell you what you want to hear. However, people who tell you what you want to hear do so for a reason - they want something from you. That is not friendship - it's exploitation. A real friend will always tell you what you need to hear - the truth - not what you want to hear. To put in another way, truth is really the only friend a person needs. Friends in truth are real friends." How very startlingly true! It is unfortunate that most prefer sugar-coated words of agreement and flattery over bitter-tasting words of disagreement and criticism. The first makes us complacent and egoistic, while the latter keeps us mindful and humble. Ironically, sweet words are often offered by so-called "friends", while harsh words are often offered by so-called "enemies". But who is the real friend and enemy? The truthfulness in their words is the real gauge.
While your best "friend" might turn out to be your greatest enemy, the most antagonistic "enemy" might be your best "accidental" spiritual friend, who points out your faults better than anyone else. The thoroughly deluded tend to flock together, and stay away from the wise. Yes, birds of a feather tend to flock together. It's thus important to objectively assess the company we are with. Do they make us better people, or do they reinforce our delusions, conditioning our spiritual stagnance? I have seen friendships break up when friends reckon each other as enemies - when they disagree on criticism of each other. I can't criticise how true the criticism exchange is. But what I do know is that criticism, even if given in a harsh tone, can still be constructive in essence. Just as the wise are able to discern between the pleasing quality of words and their quality of truthfulness, the unwise are often distracted by patronising tones, missing their untruthfulness.
It is often tempting to tell others what they want to hear, just as it is tempting to hear what we prefer. But the real way to be a true friend is to be truthful, even if the truth has to be administered sensitively with skill. Likewise, the real way to attract true friends is to pay attention to the truth spoken by others. Let's be realistic though. Be it friend or foe, it is difficult to find one who is truthful or untruthful all of the time. Being imperfect, even the best of spiritual friends might accidentally share non-truths as truths. Unwittingly, the duo might be shared in mixed proportions. Thus, to believe in a particular friend to always be truthful without fail also leads to spiritual stagnance. The onus is then on us to be spiritually objective. Even if your best spiritual teacher hands you the ultimate Truth on a silver platter, you would still need to taste it to personally verify its authenticity. A good spiritual friend would not ask you to believe him or her blindly - because truth is not for mere agreement with; but for realisation of. So, who are your true friends? And are you a true friend to anyone? -Shen Shi'an
How To Truly Lose A True Friend
There's the saying that "You don't know what you had till you lose it", though it's also possible to not know what you had, even after losing it - if you're still deluded about what you really lost. Bob's thinking of ending his friendship with Liz, because he feels that she isn't a true friend. As far as he's concerned, he isn't losing a real friend; who to be lost is really a false friend. Good riddance perhaps? Ironically, it was Bob who had called for a discussion, for "open" communication on what he saw as important issues... during which Liz passionately spoke her mind with no holds barred, as a true friend would - with all the truth and honesty that she could mindfully muster. But Bob felt hurt, unable to accept what she said. He didn't realise how difficult it was to find a friend, who chooses to bare one's thoughts so frankly for others' benefit. Liz might had sounded harsh, but there were no ill intentions; as she felt the need to bring her message across firmly - once and for all. Sadly, Bob missed her good intentions, hankering on her tone instead of the message, when the tone was nothing personal - meant only to enhance the gravity of the message; not to distract him from it.
If Bob wishes to surround himself with agreeable friends, he needs to seriously wonder how frank they can be. Contrary to popular belief, instead of being full of niceties, true friendship is often forged by much conflict, with both parties realising that differences help them grow by seeing each other's blindspots. A totally amiable friendship can be spiritually stagnant. Truth and honesty, brutal as they can be, are our best friends. Anyone who chooses not to be truthful to one is surely not true enough a friend. Bob felt disappointed by Liz, who'd encouraged him to learn Buddhism years ago. Feeling let down, he even considers giving up Buddhism. But isn't the taking of refuge in the Buddha's teachings out of understanding that they're spiritually beneficial to one and all? If one considers relinquishing Buddhism over personal differences with someone (a non-Buddha!), one needs to reflect on whether one really appreciates Buddhism or treasures its truths in the first place. Liz never pressurised Bob to be perfect; she merely urges him to be better, as good friends should, just as others also continually urge her to be better. It's natural to feel like a lousy Buddhist at times, but what matters is to always better oneself.
Bob felt Liz was hypocritical, but all she did was to truly speak her mind. A hypocrite would be always agreeable. Even if she was untrue, she had nothing to gain by saying what she did. Truth is, there are some who are afraid of voicing some truths to him due to his oversensitivity and tendency to reject difficult truths about himself. Sadly, as much as they're "protecting" him from what might hurt him, they're also not helping him enough to see the hard truth. All Liz was guilty of was being more eager in doing so. For her over-enthusiasm, she'd even apologised unreservedly. The truth hurts sometimes - but only as much as we can't accept it. We should ask why it hurts - are we not truthful to ourselves? Friends don't have to agree on every issue; friends are those who accept differences too. Bob wasn't betrayed by a friend; he was betrayed by his mistaken idea of a friend. However, Liz isn't thinking of giving up. She hopes he recalls how she was always there as a friend. Truth is, Liz is still a friend, even if he disagrees. Truth endures... despite misunderstandings of it. -Shen Shi'an (Bob & Liz are fictitious)
Both articles taken from TheDailyEnlightenment.com newletters