I will divide the poem into two parts because I think there are two separate visuals that it creates.
it must be painful to understand your own irresponsible behaviour Extremely long and very painful line. Not painful in the experience, but painful in the unfolding. Irresponsible is a horrible word to use and it doesnt mean anything. It tells but doesnt show a thing. I think a more showing word might help. Why irresponsible? wht do you mean by irresponsible? etc. and even with that fact be unable to change itI always maintain that poetry, unless the poet is aiming for a particular wordy effect,is about an ecnomony of sound. Why would you want to use conjuctions and words that dont mean anything? "And" for example comes twice as a joining word. The line in itself is extremely convulated and makes me squint while I read it. I would strongly recommend breaking the first long line into various pieces. There have been some extremely brilliant top-heavy poems. Auden's "Mourning for a child lost in london fire" (or some such other title)
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Up until the caterpillar line, there's not much that's concrete, and when there's no concrete language, of course, things are wishy-washy, and there's not much beauty in it. Really, the caterpillar line is the most interesting one. I think it would be good if you could just do the whole poem as an extended metaphor.
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it must be painful
to understand your own irresponsible behaviour
Extremely long and very painful line. Not painful in the experience, but painful in the unfolding. Irresponsible is a horrible word to use and it doesnt mean anything. It tells but doesnt show a thing. I think a more showing word might help. Why irresponsible? wht do you mean by irresponsible? etc.
and even with that fact
be unable to change itI always maintain that poetry, unless the poet is aiming for a particular wordy effect,is about an ecnomony of sound. Why would you want to use conjuctions and words that dont mean anything? "And" for example comes twice as a joining word. The line in itself is extremely convulated and makes me squint while I read it. I would strongly recommend breaking the first long line into various pieces. There have been some extremely brilliant top-heavy poems. Auden's "Mourning for a child lost in london fire" (or some such other title) ( ... )
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Also, the last two lines are incredibly cool.
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