Long Way From Home, Chapter Thirty Two
Title: Long Way From Home
Author: me, un-beta'd
Warnings: Language, Violence
Summary: Ryan's dad shows up unexpectedly and throws the Cohens +1 into turmoil
Cross posted: fanfiction.net
A/N: So, this one took an interesting turn. It is totally not what I had in mind when I sat down to write more of it today. In fact, I deleted all I had and started over and this is what happened. lol.
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Chapter Thirty Two
"Mr. Nichol?", Ryan tentatively calls from the doorway.
Caleb looks up from his desk. "Ryan. Come in, son", he says, waving Ryan into his office. "What are you doing here?", he asks, surprised at seeing him at the Newport Group.
Ryan frowns, misreading the tone. "Uh, I...I'm sorry. You're busy. I shouldn't have...", he fumbles.
"No. No, that's not what I mean, Ryan. You're more than welcome to stop by any time. I was just wondering what brought you out this way. You're still recovering. Sit down", he says as he studies the boy over. His bruises have faded but he can tell he's still got some discomfort from his ribs. It's been a few weeks since the funeral but the doctor said they were healing nicely and that as long as Ryan was getting around without too much discomfort, and was careful, he'd be all right leaving the house.
"I'm ok. I, uh, have a session with my therapist in a little while but I, um....", he trails off as he chews his lip. Kirsten and Sandy finally pushed for Ryan to choose a therapist. He hadn't been sleeping well. He physical wounds were healing so he wasn't taking as much medication and without the medication the nightmares had come regularly. The Cohens were worried. The fact that things were still a bit strained between Ryan and Kirsten wasn't helping. He'd withdrawn from Sandy as well but he barely spoke to Kirsten unless he was directly addressed. Kirsten was right about the therapist. Ryan chose the female one, Erin Morgan. The Cohens had gone with him for the first session, to help outline areas they all think needed addressing in regards to improving communication amongst the family. Sandy and Kirsten agreed to speak with her separately from Ryan, to address their own issues and the best way to help Ryan deal with everything. Dr. Morgan assured Ryan that anything he told her would be private unless he gave expressed permission for her to share it with them, and told him that the same held true of their sessions. They wanted to drive him today but he had insisted on going alone. He didn't want them hovering. So this was his first solo session. He was a little nervous. He called Trey the day before but he wouldn't take his call. For the fifth time in the past couple of weeks. Which is what prompted him to leave a little early and pay Caleb a visit.
Caleb smiles, motioning again to a chair, and says softly, "What is it, Ryan?"
Ryan sits and sighs. "I was just wondering....when you took Trey back? Did he say anything?"
"It was a long drive back. We talked", Caleb says as he tries to puzzle out exactly what Ryan is asking. "What is it you'd like to know?"
"Did he seem.....mad? At me?", Ryan asks, vulnerable blue eyes turned to Caleb.
Caleb breaks the gaze momentarily and clears his throat. "He seemed more angry at himself. Not with you. He felt bad for snapping at you the way he did. He knows you're not to blame for his predicament".
Somewhat mollified, Ryan sinks back in the chair, looking down at his hands. "He won't take my calls", he sighs. "..so I wrote him a letter last week...and he sent it back".
Caleb rounds the desk and sits across from Ryan. "Ah. I see", Caleb says. "Ryan, you remember what he said the day he had to go back?".
Ryan nods. Of course he did. The words stung him. Hell, the first few nights after he went back he couldn't even sleep without feeling guilty for sleeping in a big soft bed knowing that Trey was sleeping on a thin mattress with a scratchy blanket.
"As much as he's sorry he said it, it is hard for him. Especially now that he's seen where you're living firsthand. It's probably more than either of you could have ever imagined growing up", Caleb speculates. "It would be hard for anyone not to be resentful, even if they do know they only have themselves to blame".
"Yeah", Ryan agreed with a sad smile. He couldn't help but wonder how Trey felt in that house, having his good fortune shoved in his face.
"He's not blaming you but I think he's doing what he thinks he needs to in order to get through the rest of his sentence", Caleb tries to explain. "..and I think he feels it's best for you, too. For right now."
"Well, he's wrong", Ryan says with a scowl. "I....I need to know he's ok. That no one else is hassling him".
"And what would you do if you knew someone was, Ryan?", Caleb asks, meeting his eyes.
Ryan chews his lip. "I don't know", he says dejectedly.
Caleb smiles. "You needn't worry, Ryan. Your brother is fine". At Ryan's questioning eyes, he explains. "Trey's rough around the edges but I don't think he's a lost cause. I've told him, as well as KiKi and Sanford, that I want to help him. I have informed him that there will be a job waiting for him when he gets out if he stays out of trouble and gets his GED. Which he's studying for." He studies Ryan's reaction a moment and goes on. "I'm keeping an eye on him, Ryan." He was keeping very close tabs on Trey, actually. He had someone there in the prison watching out for him, ready to alert Caleb if any untenable situations seemed to be developing.
Surprised at that news, Ryan nods slowly, taking it all in. Grateful for Caleb taking such an interest in Trey. "What kind of job?", he asks with a frown, wondering what kind of a job Caleb could possibly offer that Trey had even a chance of liking and keeping.
"Your brother expressed an interest in working on cars. I have arranged to have a job waiting for him at a garage in Pomona", Caleb tells him.
Ryan gives an accepting nod. Trey was always good at working on cars. He's the only thing that kept their mom's junker running for so long before AJ came into the picture. Pomona. The corner of his mouth quirks up. "Not too close but not too far, either".
Caleb smiles. He should have known the boy would catch on to that. "The NHRA also hosts a drag racing event there. So there's a drag strip there to give him something to do in his off time", he says with a wink. Meaning, to keep him out of trouble. He'd have to keep an eye on him. He may see things he wants and be tempted to take shortcuts but if he gives him a leg up, finds him an apartment he'll be able to afford and still have a little leftover to feel like he's not just scraping by he might be able to keep on the straight and narrow. "I don't want him out of your life, Ryan, but I do think you'll both be better with a little distance between you. You both need to concentrate on your own lives and get on steady footing." He knows they both wouldn't mean to do it...well, not Ryan anyway, but they would hold each other back.
Ryan met his eyes but offered nothing in response. He knew Caleb was right. The older they got the further apart they seemed to grow. The night they got arrested was the first time he'd seen Trey in nearly a month. He'd moved out long before, sharing a place with a couple of other guys. Ryan didn't like them so he didn't go there much but Trey used to stop at the house once in a while if he didn't see AJ's car in the drive. His visits got further and further apart and each time Ryan saw him it became clear that they were starting to take different paths. That is, until Ryan chose to get into that car with him. Now that he was with the Cohens the gulf was growing again, even wider than before but maybe with Caleb's help Trey won't drift completely away from him.
"Ryan?", Caleb's voice draws him from his thoughts. "Are you all right?", he asks, concerned as Ryan's eyes drift and become unfocused.
Ryan blinks and looks down. His hand slips into his pocket and seeks out the shell Seth found on the beach. He trails his thumb across it. It's not as smooth as Ziggy but it still feels good in his hand. He looks up at Caleb. "Yeah. I'm ok.....thanks". He looks up again and smiles. "Thanks for...you know...Trey." He looks down at his watch, and stands. "Shit, I need to go", he says. His eyes raise in alarm when he realizes what he said. "Sorry", he adds hastily.
Caleb laughs. He doesn't care if the boy cusses but Kirsten would have his hide if he allowed him to get in the habit. "I'll let you slide this one time", he says. "Look, why don't I drive you over. Then I can wait or just come back when you're done. We can do lunch after and then I'll bring you back here to pick up the car."
Ryan is surprised at the offer and after giving it brief thought he accepts. "Uh, yeah. Ok. You don't have to wait, though. I know you're busy", he says as Caleb follows him out the door.
"There's nothing that can't wait. Besides, I'm the boss. I can do whatever the hell I want", Caleb says haughtily, earning a chuckle from Ryan.
Dr. Morgan's office is only a couple of blocks from The Newport Group so they make it there in no time. Ryan checks in with the receptionist and is informed the the doctor is running a little over with her last client. Ryan and Caleb take a seat in the waiting room off to the side.
"What have you got there?", Caleb asks, noticing the shell in Ryan's hand.
Ryan looks down and a blush creeps into his cheeks. "Oh, uh....", he shakes his head. "..it's a shell Seth found on the beach the day we walked down with Trey. He was giving me shi....a hard time about naming the shell Trey had given me when we were kids."
Caleb smiled at the mid-curse word correction. "Ah, yes. Ziggy, wasn't it?"
Ryan turns raised eyebrows at Caleb, surprised that he remembered the name.
"Does this one have a name", Caleb teases.
Ryan laughs. "No. No name", he says relaxing slightly.
They lapse into silence and Caleb notices Ryan's thumb start rubbing the shell again. "You know", he starts but pauses. "..after my wife died......I was not a pleasant man.."
Ryan gives a side glance at that but refrains from saying anything.
Caleb doesn't miss it. "All right. I'm still not a pleasant man....at times, but I was throwing myself into my work. I don't know how many people I fired and threatened to run out of town. Hell, I did run a few out of town. Kirsten finally stepped in...", he gently offers. He is well aware of the tension between the two since Trey's visit. "She told me she had been seeing a therapist and suggested that I did as well. Needless to say, I scoffed at the idea. I thought it was a whole lot of hooey....but, I finally agreed to get Kirsten off of my back about it."
Ryan nods. "She doesn't back down easily", Ryan extends. He knows he's been unfair to her. Trey has given them plenty of reason to be wary but, he can't help it. It hurts that they dislike him so.
"Truer words were never spoken, my boy", Caleb agrees. "At any rate, I agreed to go, to appease her. I figured that I'd go a few times so that I could tell her I had and then be done with it".
"So, is this the part when you tell me she was right and you're glad she pushed you into going?", Ryan asks.
"Hell, no. That doctor was an idiot. Biggest moron I'd ever met in my life", Caleb scowls. "I went three times and that's three hours of my life I'll never get back".
Ryan looks at him, amused, trying to judge if Caleb is being serious. It appears so by the look on his face.
"...but, he did give me something that I think had a similar affect as that shell of yours", he says as he motions to Ryan's hands. "They were meditation balls", he says and scoffs a little. "It sounds ridiculous but you hold them in your hand and spin them, kind of juggling them in the one hand, trying not to drop one. I don't know, the smooth texture....the gentle chime they made...it was....relaxing. I still have them in my office desk drawer and even bought a set for at home....they may be the only reason I haven't had a heart attack before now...but if you breath a word of this to Kirsten or anyone else I'll deny it", he says to Ryan with raised eyebrows but a gleam in his eye. "I'd never hear the end of it. From KiKi or Sanford." He shudders at the thought of Sandy knowing. Or, heaven forbid, Seth.
Ryan held up two fingers, "Scouts honor", he vows.
Caleb's eyes narrow, "Were you a boy scout?"
Ryan snorted. "No."
Caleb laughed.
"Ryan? Mr. Nichol", a vaguely familiar voice cuts into their banter.
Ryan looked up to see Agent Cook, instantly sobering him. He doesn't rise but Caleb does and extends his hand. They shake.
"You weren't looking for us, were you?", he asks as he casts a furtive glance to Ryan, who has gone a bit pale.
"Oh, no. No. Nothing like that. I'm, uh, actually here on a....personal matter", he offers as he looks at Ryan. Taking in the boy's tense posture he sits and attempts to put him at ease somehow. "I'm sorry, Ryan. I didn't mean to..."
Ryan shifts uncomfortably and shakes his head. "No...it's...it's ok. I'm just being stupid".
"Nothing stupid about it", Jason says. "The last time you saw me, you were dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. You still are. I have to say that I'm, for lack of a better word, glad to see you here", he says as he nods toward Dr. Morgan's door. "I've been seeing her for years. Not straight mind you but when a work situation comes up. The department makes you see the one they have on staff but after one particularly bad case he suggested I see one outside of the department. I've been seeing Erin ever since to help me sort through some things on occasion".
Ryan squeezes the shell and licks his lips. "So, uh, you had a...bad case?", he asks timidly, discerning that the "personal matter" pertained to a "work situation".
Jason shifts and sighs, not sure if he should tell Ryan.
"I'm sorry. I...I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business", he stammers out, feeling stupid. He doesn't want to talk about why he's here, why would he expect this guy would want to.
"Hey. It's ok, Ryan. I just wasn't sure if I should share it, considering all you are dealing with . It, uh, it was a shooting", he offers gently. When Ryan shows no sign of real discomfort he continues. "A man we were tracking....I fired the bullet that killed him. I'm on mandatory leave until they finish the standard investigation and I am cleared by the department shrink. I thought I'd see if Erin could fit me in".
Right on cue, the door to the office opens and a man steps into the room with Dr. Morgan, looking completely wrung out. He briefly glances over to the waiting room where Agent Cook, Ryan and Caleb are sitting and then Dr. Morgan smiles and whispers something to him and he leaves. She approaches and they all rise.
She smiles encouragingly at Ryan. "Hello, Ryan. How are you feeling today?"
Ryan chews his lip and offers a quick. "I'm ok".
She can sense his nervousness but decides not to draw attention to it and turns to Caleb and greets him. She then turns a questioning brow to Agent Cook, having been informed by her receptionist that he is wanting an appointment. Knowing he doesn't come here lightly, she says, "Jason. I have one more client after Ryan but I can cut my lunch break short and squeeze you in for a half an hour or so today."
Before he can answer, Ryan says, "He can talk to you now. I can come back".
The three adults smile.
"Nice try, kid", Jason says with a wink. He points to himself and says, "Mandatory leave, remember. I've got all the time in the world". He turns back to Dr. Morgan. "How about I bring lunch. I'll buy."
"Sounds like a plan. That'll free up a few extra minutes for your session", Erin smiles and then returns attention to her current client. "All right, Ryan. Shall we?", she says as she motions toward her office.
"I'll be here when you're done, Ryan", Caleb says, giving Ryan's shoulder a squeeze. He leans in and whispers, "I have a feeling you'll have better luck with this one than I did with mine".
Ryan gives a small smile and slowly trudges toward the office.
"He looks like he's walking his last mile", Caleb states, half-joking.
"The first few times are hard. He'll get more comfortable. He's in good hands", Jason says as he, too, watches Ryan enter the office.
Caleb hopes so. He wasn't joking about his experience with a psychiatrist. He hopes this woman is nothing like the fool he had chosen. He looks to Agent Cook and studies him. He seems to truly be getting something out of his sessions and if he can, considering the job he has, then maybe this will be good for Ryan. He knows the boy's not sleeping well and refuses to talk about the nightmares to Sandy and Kirsten. He hasn't had a chance to talk with Seth yet, so he doesn't know if Ryan is at least opening up to him a little. Even if he is, it's too much for Seth to bear alone. Caleb clears his throat and ponders if he should ask the question that is suddenly on the tip of his tongue.
"Go ahead", Agent Cook. "You've got something on your mind. Ask."
"You work missing persons cases primarily. Isn't that right?", Caleb asks. "Were you......"
"Yes. I was working on one this time. The man I shot was the perp. He snatched a 10 year old boy right from his front yard", he says as his eyes darken.
"I'm sorry. I...didn't know. Since Ryan, we haven't watched much news. Reporters were sniffing around for a while but they backed off. Now I know why", Caleb states. They had remained pretty isolated while Ryan was recovering. "The boy, was he...?", he trails off, somehow already knowing the answer.
Agent Cook hangs his head as he shakes it and says softly, "No. We didn't get there in time. Not this time". He pulls in a breath and exhales and he sits in a chair. Caleb follows suit. "Most cases like this.....like Ryan's.....they don't end the way we'd like". He looks toward the closed door to Dr. Morgan's office. "Ryan...he's that one in ten that turn out right. Well, as right as they can".
Caleb is quiet a second. "I don't know how you do it".
Jason smiles sardonically and waves a hand around, acknowledging their surroundings. "Coming here. That's how. There was a stretch, a few years ago, where I chose to drink myself into oblivion to try to numb the memory of a bad case. To try to stop myself from feeling anything. Thinking that if I could do that the job would be easier. But after a while I realized, the day I truly stop feeling anything when I get there too late....when I take a life....that's the day I turn in my badge. I stopped trying to not feel and started coming here."
Caleb nods silently, not know how to respond but understanding.
Jason offers up another smile. "...and cases like Ryan's help. Looking into that kid's eyes.....he's a fighter. Getting there in time, even just one time out of ten?....makes it all worth it".
Caleb thanks God that Ryan was that one in ten. How could he have been so wrong about the boy? He'd wasted so much time and only now was realizing, after spending time with him, how much he'd been missing out on. The boy was bringing him closer to his daughter. He didn't even mind spending time with Sandy anymore. Much. He was learning to appreciate Seth's wit and accept that he was never going to be interested in the family business. He was opening his eyes in many ways. Looking back to Agent Cook, he wonders if Ryan has any idea of the effect he has on people.
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Author: me, un-beta'd
Warnings: Language, Violence
Summary: Ryan's dad shows up unexpectedly and throws the Cohens +1 into turmoil
Cross posted: fanfiction.net
A/N: So, this one took an interesting turn. It is totally not what I had in mind when I sat down to write more of it today. In fact, I deleted all I had and started over and this is what happened. lol.
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Chapter Thirty Two
"Mr. Nichol?", Ryan tentatively calls from the doorway.
Caleb looks up from his desk. "Ryan. Come in, son", he says, waving Ryan into his office. "What are you doing here?", he asks, surprised at seeing him at the Newport Group.
Ryan frowns, misreading the tone. "Uh, I...I'm sorry. You're busy. I shouldn't have...", he fumbles.
"No. No, that's not what I mean, Ryan. You're more than welcome to stop by any time. I was just wondering what brought you out this way. You're still recovering. Sit down", he says as he studies the boy over. His bruises have faded but he can tell he's still got some discomfort from his ribs. It's been a few weeks since the funeral but the doctor said they were healing nicely and that as long as Ryan was getting around without too much discomfort, and was careful, he'd be all right leaving the house.
"I'm ok. I, uh, have a session with my therapist in a little while but I, um....", he trails off as he chews his lip. Kirsten and Sandy finally pushed for Ryan to choose a therapist. He hadn't been sleeping well. He physical wounds were healing so he wasn't taking as much medication and without the medication the nightmares had come regularly. The Cohens were worried. The fact that things were still a bit strained between Ryan and Kirsten wasn't helping. He'd withdrawn from Sandy as well but he barely spoke to Kirsten unless he was directly addressed. Kirsten was right about the therapist. Ryan chose the female one, Erin Morgan. The Cohens had gone with him for the first session, to help outline areas they all think needed addressing in regards to improving communication amongst the family. Sandy and Kirsten agreed to speak with her separately from Ryan, to address their own issues and the best way to help Ryan deal with everything. Dr. Morgan assured Ryan that anything he told her would be private unless he gave expressed permission for her to share it with them, and told him that the same held true of their sessions. They wanted to drive him today but he had insisted on going alone. He didn't want them hovering. So this was his first solo session. He was a little nervous. He called Trey the day before but he wouldn't take his call. For the fifth time in the past couple of weeks. Which is what prompted him to leave a little early and pay Caleb a visit.
Caleb smiles, motioning again to a chair, and says softly, "What is it, Ryan?"
Ryan sits and sighs. "I was just wondering....when you took Trey back? Did he say anything?"
"It was a long drive back. We talked", Caleb says as he tries to puzzle out exactly what Ryan is asking. "What is it you'd like to know?"
"Did he seem.....mad? At me?", Ryan asks, vulnerable blue eyes turned to Caleb.
Caleb breaks the gaze momentarily and clears his throat. "He seemed more angry at himself. Not with you. He felt bad for snapping at you the way he did. He knows you're not to blame for his predicament".
Somewhat mollified, Ryan sinks back in the chair, looking down at his hands. "He won't take my calls", he sighs. "..so I wrote him a letter last week...and he sent it back".
Caleb rounds the desk and sits across from Ryan. "Ah. I see", Caleb says. "Ryan, you remember what he said the day he had to go back?".
Ryan nods. Of course he did. The words stung him. Hell, the first few nights after he went back he couldn't even sleep without feeling guilty for sleeping in a big soft bed knowing that Trey was sleeping on a thin mattress with a scratchy blanket.
"As much as he's sorry he said it, it is hard for him. Especially now that he's seen where you're living firsthand. It's probably more than either of you could have ever imagined growing up", Caleb speculates. "It would be hard for anyone not to be resentful, even if they do know they only have themselves to blame".
"Yeah", Ryan agreed with a sad smile. He couldn't help but wonder how Trey felt in that house, having his good fortune shoved in his face.
"He's not blaming you but I think he's doing what he thinks he needs to in order to get through the rest of his sentence", Caleb tries to explain. "..and I think he feels it's best for you, too. For right now."
"Well, he's wrong", Ryan says with a scowl. "I....I need to know he's ok. That no one else is hassling him".
"And what would you do if you knew someone was, Ryan?", Caleb asks, meeting his eyes.
Ryan chews his lip. "I don't know", he says dejectedly.
Caleb smiles. "You needn't worry, Ryan. Your brother is fine". At Ryan's questioning eyes, he explains. "Trey's rough around the edges but I don't think he's a lost cause. I've told him, as well as KiKi and Sanford, that I want to help him. I have informed him that there will be a job waiting for him when he gets out if he stays out of trouble and gets his GED. Which he's studying for." He studies Ryan's reaction a moment and goes on. "I'm keeping an eye on him, Ryan." He was keeping very close tabs on Trey, actually. He had someone there in the prison watching out for him, ready to alert Caleb if any untenable situations seemed to be developing.
Surprised at that news, Ryan nods slowly, taking it all in. Grateful for Caleb taking such an interest in Trey. "What kind of job?", he asks with a frown, wondering what kind of a job Caleb could possibly offer that Trey had even a chance of liking and keeping.
"Your brother expressed an interest in working on cars. I have arranged to have a job waiting for him at a garage in Pomona", Caleb tells him.
Ryan gives an accepting nod. Trey was always good at working on cars. He's the only thing that kept their mom's junker running for so long before AJ came into the picture. Pomona. The corner of his mouth quirks up. "Not too close but not too far, either".
Caleb smiles. He should have known the boy would catch on to that. "The NHRA also hosts a drag racing event there. So there's a drag strip there to give him something to do in his off time", he says with a wink. Meaning, to keep him out of trouble. He'd have to keep an eye on him. He may see things he wants and be tempted to take shortcuts but if he gives him a leg up, finds him an apartment he'll be able to afford and still have a little leftover to feel like he's not just scraping by he might be able to keep on the straight and narrow. "I don't want him out of your life, Ryan, but I do think you'll both be better with a little distance between you. You both need to concentrate on your own lives and get on steady footing." He knows they both wouldn't mean to do it...well, not Ryan anyway, but they would hold each other back.
Ryan met his eyes but offered nothing in response. He knew Caleb was right. The older they got the further apart they seemed to grow. The night they got arrested was the first time he'd seen Trey in nearly a month. He'd moved out long before, sharing a place with a couple of other guys. Ryan didn't like them so he didn't go there much but Trey used to stop at the house once in a while if he didn't see AJ's car in the drive. His visits got further and further apart and each time Ryan saw him it became clear that they were starting to take different paths. That is, until Ryan chose to get into that car with him. Now that he was with the Cohens the gulf was growing again, even wider than before but maybe with Caleb's help Trey won't drift completely away from him.
"Ryan?", Caleb's voice draws him from his thoughts. "Are you all right?", he asks, concerned as Ryan's eyes drift and become unfocused.
Ryan blinks and looks down. His hand slips into his pocket and seeks out the shell Seth found on the beach. He trails his thumb across it. It's not as smooth as Ziggy but it still feels good in his hand. He looks up at Caleb. "Yeah. I'm ok.....thanks". He looks up again and smiles. "Thanks for...you know...Trey." He looks down at his watch, and stands. "Shit, I need to go", he says. His eyes raise in alarm when he realizes what he said. "Sorry", he adds hastily.
Caleb laughs. He doesn't care if the boy cusses but Kirsten would have his hide if he allowed him to get in the habit. "I'll let you slide this one time", he says. "Look, why don't I drive you over. Then I can wait or just come back when you're done. We can do lunch after and then I'll bring you back here to pick up the car."
Ryan is surprised at the offer and after giving it brief thought he accepts. "Uh, yeah. Ok. You don't have to wait, though. I know you're busy", he says as Caleb follows him out the door.
"There's nothing that can't wait. Besides, I'm the boss. I can do whatever the hell I want", Caleb says haughtily, earning a chuckle from Ryan.
Dr. Morgan's office is only a couple of blocks from The Newport Group so they make it there in no time. Ryan checks in with the receptionist and is informed the the doctor is running a little over with her last client. Ryan and Caleb take a seat in the waiting room off to the side.
"What have you got there?", Caleb asks, noticing the shell in Ryan's hand.
Ryan looks down and a blush creeps into his cheeks. "Oh, uh....", he shakes his head. "..it's a shell Seth found on the beach the day we walked down with Trey. He was giving me shi....a hard time about naming the shell Trey had given me when we were kids."
Caleb smiled at the mid-curse word correction. "Ah, yes. Ziggy, wasn't it?"
Ryan turns raised eyebrows at Caleb, surprised that he remembered the name.
"Does this one have a name", Caleb teases.
Ryan laughs. "No. No name", he says relaxing slightly.
They lapse into silence and Caleb notices Ryan's thumb start rubbing the shell again. "You know", he starts but pauses. "..after my wife died......I was not a pleasant man.."
Ryan gives a side glance at that but refrains from saying anything.
Caleb doesn't miss it. "All right. I'm still not a pleasant man....at times, but I was throwing myself into my work. I don't know how many people I fired and threatened to run out of town. Hell, I did run a few out of town. Kirsten finally stepped in...", he gently offers. He is well aware of the tension between the two since Trey's visit. "She told me she had been seeing a therapist and suggested that I did as well. Needless to say, I scoffed at the idea. I thought it was a whole lot of hooey....but, I finally agreed to get Kirsten off of my back about it."
Ryan nods. "She doesn't back down easily", Ryan extends. He knows he's been unfair to her. Trey has given them plenty of reason to be wary but, he can't help it. It hurts that they dislike him so.
"Truer words were never spoken, my boy", Caleb agrees. "At any rate, I agreed to go, to appease her. I figured that I'd go a few times so that I could tell her I had and then be done with it".
"So, is this the part when you tell me she was right and you're glad she pushed you into going?", Ryan asks.
"Hell, no. That doctor was an idiot. Biggest moron I'd ever met in my life", Caleb scowls. "I went three times and that's three hours of my life I'll never get back".
Ryan looks at him, amused, trying to judge if Caleb is being serious. It appears so by the look on his face.
"...but, he did give me something that I think had a similar affect as that shell of yours", he says as he motions to Ryan's hands. "They were meditation balls", he says and scoffs a little. "It sounds ridiculous but you hold them in your hand and spin them, kind of juggling them in the one hand, trying not to drop one. I don't know, the smooth texture....the gentle chime they made...it was....relaxing. I still have them in my office desk drawer and even bought a set for at home....they may be the only reason I haven't had a heart attack before now...but if you breath a word of this to Kirsten or anyone else I'll deny it", he says to Ryan with raised eyebrows but a gleam in his eye. "I'd never hear the end of it. From KiKi or Sanford." He shudders at the thought of Sandy knowing. Or, heaven forbid, Seth.
Ryan held up two fingers, "Scouts honor", he vows.
Caleb's eyes narrow, "Were you a boy scout?"
Ryan snorted. "No."
Caleb laughed.
"Ryan? Mr. Nichol", a vaguely familiar voice cuts into their banter.
Ryan looked up to see Agent Cook, instantly sobering him. He doesn't rise but Caleb does and extends his hand. They shake.
"You weren't looking for us, were you?", he asks as he casts a furtive glance to Ryan, who has gone a bit pale.
"Oh, no. No. Nothing like that. I'm, uh, actually here on a....personal matter", he offers as he looks at Ryan. Taking in the boy's tense posture he sits and attempts to put him at ease somehow. "I'm sorry, Ryan. I didn't mean to..."
Ryan shifts uncomfortably and shakes his head. "No...it's...it's ok. I'm just being stupid".
"Nothing stupid about it", Jason says. "The last time you saw me, you were dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. You still are. I have to say that I'm, for lack of a better word, glad to see you here", he says as he nods toward Dr. Morgan's door. "I've been seeing her for years. Not straight mind you but when a work situation comes up. The department makes you see the one they have on staff but after one particularly bad case he suggested I see one outside of the department. I've been seeing Erin ever since to help me sort through some things on occasion".
Ryan squeezes the shell and licks his lips. "So, uh, you had a...bad case?", he asks timidly, discerning that the "personal matter" pertained to a "work situation".
Jason shifts and sighs, not sure if he should tell Ryan.
"I'm sorry. I...I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business", he stammers out, feeling stupid. He doesn't want to talk about why he's here, why would he expect this guy would want to.
"Hey. It's ok, Ryan. I just wasn't sure if I should share it, considering all you are dealing with . It, uh, it was a shooting", he offers gently. When Ryan shows no sign of real discomfort he continues. "A man we were tracking....I fired the bullet that killed him. I'm on mandatory leave until they finish the standard investigation and I am cleared by the department shrink. I thought I'd see if Erin could fit me in".
Right on cue, the door to the office opens and a man steps into the room with Dr. Morgan, looking completely wrung out. He briefly glances over to the waiting room where Agent Cook, Ryan and Caleb are sitting and then Dr. Morgan smiles and whispers something to him and he leaves. She approaches and they all rise.
She smiles encouragingly at Ryan. "Hello, Ryan. How are you feeling today?"
Ryan chews his lip and offers a quick. "I'm ok".
She can sense his nervousness but decides not to draw attention to it and turns to Caleb and greets him. She then turns a questioning brow to Agent Cook, having been informed by her receptionist that he is wanting an appointment. Knowing he doesn't come here lightly, she says, "Jason. I have one more client after Ryan but I can cut my lunch break short and squeeze you in for a half an hour or so today."
Before he can answer, Ryan says, "He can talk to you now. I can come back".
The three adults smile.
"Nice try, kid", Jason says with a wink. He points to himself and says, "Mandatory leave, remember. I've got all the time in the world". He turns back to Dr. Morgan. "How about I bring lunch. I'll buy."
"Sounds like a plan. That'll free up a few extra minutes for your session", Erin smiles and then returns attention to her current client. "All right, Ryan. Shall we?", she says as she motions toward her office.
"I'll be here when you're done, Ryan", Caleb says, giving Ryan's shoulder a squeeze. He leans in and whispers, "I have a feeling you'll have better luck with this one than I did with mine".
Ryan gives a small smile and slowly trudges toward the office.
"He looks like he's walking his last mile", Caleb states, half-joking.
"The first few times are hard. He'll get more comfortable. He's in good hands", Jason says as he, too, watches Ryan enter the office.
Caleb hopes so. He wasn't joking about his experience with a psychiatrist. He hopes this woman is nothing like the fool he had chosen. He looks to Agent Cook and studies him. He seems to truly be getting something out of his sessions and if he can, considering the job he has, then maybe this will be good for Ryan. He knows the boy's not sleeping well and refuses to talk about the nightmares to Sandy and Kirsten. He hasn't had a chance to talk with Seth yet, so he doesn't know if Ryan is at least opening up to him a little. Even if he is, it's too much for Seth to bear alone. Caleb clears his throat and ponders if he should ask the question that is suddenly on the tip of his tongue.
"Go ahead", Agent Cook. "You've got something on your mind. Ask."
"You work missing persons cases primarily. Isn't that right?", Caleb asks. "Were you......"
"Yes. I was working on one this time. The man I shot was the perp. He snatched a 10 year old boy right from his front yard", he says as his eyes darken.
"I'm sorry. I...didn't know. Since Ryan, we haven't watched much news. Reporters were sniffing around for a while but they backed off. Now I know why", Caleb states. They had remained pretty isolated while Ryan was recovering. "The boy, was he...?", he trails off, somehow already knowing the answer.
Agent Cook hangs his head as he shakes it and says softly, "No. We didn't get there in time. Not this time". He pulls in a breath and exhales and he sits in a chair. Caleb follows suit. "Most cases like this.....like Ryan's.....they don't end the way we'd like". He looks toward the closed door to Dr. Morgan's office. "Ryan...he's that one in ten that turn out right. Well, as right as they can".
Caleb is quiet a second. "I don't know how you do it".
Jason smiles sardonically and waves a hand around, acknowledging their surroundings. "Coming here. That's how. There was a stretch, a few years ago, where I chose to drink myself into oblivion to try to numb the memory of a bad case. To try to stop myself from feeling anything. Thinking that if I could do that the job would be easier. But after a while I realized, the day I truly stop feeling anything when I get there too late....when I take a life....that's the day I turn in my badge. I stopped trying to not feel and started coming here."
Caleb nods silently, not know how to respond but understanding.
Jason offers up another smile. "...and cases like Ryan's help. Looking into that kid's eyes.....he's a fighter. Getting there in time, even just one time out of ten?....makes it all worth it".
Caleb thanks God that Ryan was that one in ten. How could he have been so wrong about the boy? He'd wasted so much time and only now was realizing, after spending time with him, how much he'd been missing out on. The boy was bringing him closer to his daughter. He didn't even mind spending time with Sandy anymore. Much. He was learning to appreciate Seth's wit and accept that he was never going to be interested in the family business. He was opening his eyes in many ways. Looking back to Agent Cook, he wonders if Ryan has any idea of the effect he has on people.
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