All the times we were me and you (Sam/Dean, r-rated, 4000ish words)
I'm sorry I've been such a useless lj-friend lately. I've not been feeling too well and then I got all lurkery. I'm trying to catch up on things but it might take a while. :/ In the meantime, please have this rather rambling little piece that I've been working on for a while and finally finished.
All the times we were me and you
(Sam/Dean, r-rated, 4000ish words)
From the pilot to No Rest For The Wicked…
In Jericho, California, Sam decides he has grown too tall to be able to sit comfortably in the Impala, and the mullet-rock - unhappily familiar - is as irritating as he remembers. He grits his teeth every time Dean talks. He's hot and dirty and he thinks longingly of how, soon, he will be in his clean, warm bed and Jess will be lying beside him.
~
In Black Water Ridge, Colorado, every time Sam wakes, he's surprised to find himself where he is. It takes him a second of blinking against the pale sunlight flickering between the tall trees and the blare of music, to remember that this is reality. He shrugs off Dean's gruff concern and ignores the sideways looks Dean shoots him. If Dean wants to help him, he can take him to Dad. To revenge.
~
In Lake Manitoc, Wisconsin, Sam watches Dean's hands move over green, plastic soldiers and bright, stubby crayons. He watches Dean tilt his head at the kid and smile. Somewhere, long ago, Dean is smiling like that at him. Dean is dropping to his knees and Sam's watching, delighted, as Dean makes a bunny rabbit out of his trailing shoelaces, bounces it round the tree and loops it into a tidy bow.
Sam wonders what else he should have remembered in the rush to forget it all.
~
In a plane over Pennsylvania, Dean plasters himself into his seat and twitches with every rumble and shudder. Fear makes him look oddly young. His jacket cuffs hang over his hands - a hand-me-down from Dad, probably.
"How does Dad feel about you being scared to fly?" Sam says.
"Never told him."
Flying or Dad's expectations, Sam wonders which fear is more irrational.
~
In Toledo, Ohio, Jess is standing on the corner of the street, achingly beautiful. Lit up by the sun, she watches them drive by and Sam can't read the expression on her face. Guilt tells him it's contempt, betrayal. Sam has more than one secret, even if nobody died because he was a fucked-up in the head teen. He got over it. It's an old secret, stale.
The echo of Dean's thumbs resting against the points of his jaw burns his skin.
~
In St Louis, Missouri, Rebecca Warren keeps looking at Dean, her gaze sliding over him like it can't stay away. Dean doesn't notice but Sam does. At first he thinks she's checking him out, and he inwardly rolls his eyes and feels disappointed that Becky doesn't have more sense. Then he realises: she can't believe Dean is Sam's brother. He looks at Dean, looks at the crude but accurate sketch with the police reports, and has a moment of not believing it either.
~
At Eastern Iowa University, Sam kisses a girl for the first time since Jess. Lori is compassionate and sweet, even for a girl whose self-righteousness has attracted the attentions of a murderous spirit. Sam wonders whether Jess would have liked her and keeps ending up at the uncomfortable conclusion that she wouldn't, and not just because Sam kissed her.
Dean likes her enough to offer Sam the chance to stick around, and maybe that's just because Sam kissed her.
~
In Oasis Plains, Oklahoma, Sam finally snaps.
"Would you just leave it?" he says. Dean looks at him, all protesting innocence. "All the snarky little comments about Matt, I've had enough of them. You're glad he's not arguing with his dad anymore, I get it. But growing up with a dad who disapproves of your hobby is very different to growing up with our dad."
"Yeah!" Dean says. "Our dad actually had a fucking point with all the little things that got you so pissed!"
And Sam is sixteen all over again.
~
In Lawrence, Kansas, the way Dean looks at Sam changes. It's not the first time it's changed. After Sam announced his decision to go to Stanford, Dean looked at him different then. When Sam tells him about the dreams, the dreams that keep coming true, Dean looks at him like half of him thinks it's a joke and the other half thinks it's a really pretty tasteless joke. It shouldn't bother Sam because they're Dean's issues not his. Sam told the truth and that's that. It shouldn't bother Sam.
~
In Rockford, Illinois, Sam points a gun at Dean's chest and pulls the trigger three times. Click click click. Dean punches him out, salts and burns the ghost and gets the kids out of the asylum. Sam apologises and says he didn't mean the things he said. For once in your life, just shut your mouth! Of course he didn't mean them.
He'll pick lies over the truth any time.
~
In Burkittsville, Indiana, Sam climbs back into the Impala beside Dean and plucks a stray apple leaf from Dean's hair. Dean smells fresh and is rosy-cheeked. Bright with gratitude and relief, which he'd rather die than speak out loud. Psychic dreams and arguments almost five years old aren't anywhere near as entertaining as teasing Dean about whether the locals knew they weren't getting a virgin sacrifice.
~
In a field in Nebraska, the rain thin and miserable in the air, Sam catches Dean when he slips in the mud. He wraps an arm about him before he can fall, holds him against his chest while Dean shivers and tries to catch his breath. Dean's heartbeat flutters under his hand, a butterfly in a glass box.
This time, it's Sam hanging on. The more Dean tries to let go, the tighter Sam holds him.
~
In Cape Girardeau, Missouri, Sam spends a night alone. He sits up by the weak violet glow of his laptop and searches the net for demon trucks and possessed cars. He ends up watching Herbie, the Lindsay Lohan remake. It doesn't count much as research but it's still pretty scary. It doesn't distract him though. Because every time he sees Cassie, he wants to say He almost died recently. Did you know that? Did you? And did you know you're looking at the reason he didn't?
~
In Saginaw, Michigan, Sam moves a cabinet with his mind. He doesn't know why he tells Dean later, why he makes sure Dean understands exactly what he means. Or… screw that. Sam knows why he tells him. It's not because he wants to test whether that same look will come into Dean's eyes. Because it does and he expects it. And it's not because of the spoon bending comments or flat denials that it's worth discussing because it won't happen again.
"You got one advantage Max didn't have," says Dean, shrugging on his jacket. "You got me."
It's because he knows Dean'll make him feel better about it.
~
In Hibbing, Minnesota, a woman peers through the bars of her cage at Sam and says, "Your cousin's looking for you." Right then, Sam's biggest concern stops being whether Dean'll find him or not and starts being just how much Dean's gonna mock him for getting got by a bunch of hillbillies.
~
In Chicago, Illinois, Dean says, "It's never gonna be over," and Sam says, "Things will never be the way they were before." And later, when Dean's clinging onto their dad like he's finally drawing breath again after months of holding it, and the swift surge of jealous insecurity goes through Sam, he wonders if what he wants and what Dean wants could ever coincide.
~
In Richardson, Texas, Dean makes Sam laugh again. Proper, thick laughter as Dean jerks his hand and the bottle flashes in the light but doesn’t fall. It feels good in his chest, a loosening. There will be retribution of course - he'd be disappointed if there wasn't.
He's sixteen again, but that's okay because life could be pretty cool when he was sixteen and growing up with Dean.
~
In Fitchburg, Wisconsin, two little kids echo Sam's childhood with Dean back at him.
They ask Michael to be bait for the Striga. Sam thinks it's crazy and dangerous. Dean thinks so too, but he knows the unspoken code of big brothers: nothing is too crazy or too dangerous if it's done for them. Sam understands now, even if he's not sure he feels better for it.
~
In New Paltz, New York, there's a whisper of Stanford when Sam kisses Sarah. A whisper of that normal life he borrowed. He tried it on and liked it, left it behind for revenge. He could have it back. Jess is gone and he still aches inside at the thought of never seeing her again. But there's Sarah. Sweet and brave, someone he could fall in love with.
He kisses Sarah goodbye, kisses that life goodbye.
~
In Manning, Colorado, some tentative bond forms between John and Sam. It's unknown territory for Sam and John to sit together and find common ground without having to push and shove each other towards it. The only common ground they ever had was Dean.
So Sam doesn't understand why, when Dean walks into the room and both John and Sam look to him, the bond shudders. Weakens.
~
In Salvation, Iowa, Sam lifts Dean bodily and slams him up against the wall. Dean doesn't fight him, doesn't struggle. Just lets Sam pin him there, Sam's hands curled into fists against the fragile line of his collarbone.
"Without you and Dad-" says Dean.
Sam cuts him off. He doesn’t want to hear what's coming next, doesn't want to hear how much Dean needs him, not when Sam's got him like this.
~
On a road in South Dakota, heading away from a cabin where the floor is slick with Dean's blood, Sam sees his brother in the narrow rectangle of the rear-view mirror. Bloody and barely conscious, hooded eyes fixed as tight on him as he can manage.
"Killing this demon comes first," says John. "Before me, before everything."
John's never been more wrong.
~
In Shiloh County Hospital, Sioux Falls, Sam rests his fingers on the planchette of the spirit board and reaches out with all he has, straining into the beyond, and hopes (prays) to find Dean reaching back to him.
~
In Bobby's yard, Sam stalks through the broken-down cars and the shimmering heat, traps Dean against the smashed trunk of the Impala and kisses him. Dean struggles, shaky and breathless, fingers scrabbling over the wrecked metal, and Sam holds him down with the weight of his body on his. Desperate and brutal, Sam kisses Dean until he feels the fight go out of him.
"Please," Sam whispers against his mouth.
The cracks running through Dean split wider open.
~
In Red Lodge, Montana, blood glistens wetly in the girlish sweep of Dean's lashes, trickles in fat, sluggish lines over the swell of Dean's lips. Sam stares at him, tries to find some precedent in his memory that will reassure him that this is all temporary.
He can't find his brother under all the blood.
And Gordon Walker raises his glass to the transformation.
~
In Greenville, Illinois, Sam touches a wavering fingertip to the stickiness of Dean's tears drying on his cheeks. Dean lets him, held still and unbreathing in the moment. Sam swipes away one fat teardrop with the pad of his thumb and catches a glimpse of his brother underneath.
~
In Guthrie, Oklahoma, Dean tells him he'll never be like them. Sam's not evil, Sam's not a killer. Over and over and over, Dean says it. Sam doesn't have the heart to point out that mind-whammies apparently don't work on kids like him.
~
In Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Jo is awake before Sam. Her gaze drops immediately to the case-file when he walks into the room, but he saw her, watching over Dean, who's sprawled into the most uncomfortable position imaginable on the couch as he sleeps.
"I'll get coffee," she says, avoiding his eyes, her cheeks flushed pink.
Sam thinks about the way Dean's looked at Jo. Thinks about Lori and Sarah, even Meg before they knew what she was. Says, "No, I'll go."
It's only fair.
~
In Baltimore, Maryland, they offer to take Dean away from Sam. He hears an alternate version of his life, how Dean's a murderer, a monster, and Sam's simply been caught up in it all. They tell him how it could go, how they could put Dean somewhere Sam would never have to think of him again.
He wonders if there was ever a time in his life when he would have considered accepting.
~
In Greenwood, Mississippi, the ugly, selfish thing that sits guiltily at the back of Sam's mind almost comes out. He almost tells Dean, tells him that he doesn't want John back if the price is Dean. When he realises how close Dean came to making that deal, he almost tells him.
Dean kisses him, rough and dry, something he wants to pretend he isn't doing, before Sam can say a word.
~
In Rivergrove, Oregon, they wait for the virus to take hold of Sam. Dean's gun rests against his thigh and Sam knows there's a bullet in there for him, and a bullet in there for Dean, and they're sitting corpse-cold right next to each other.
~
In Lafayette, Indiana, through a gap in the boards of the house, Sam sees Dean bound and gagged. Gordon's beside him, his hand on his shoulder, as he leans down to murmur something in Dean's ear. And maybe for a moment, in the sudden sick heat of his blood, he's the monster Gordon says he is.
~
In Cornwall, Connecticut, Sam buries his face in the pillow, breathing in old, musty perfume, the lingering scent of the bodies that were here before his. His hips work against the mattress, helpless and uncoordinated, his skin still burning with the weight of the want in Dean's eyes when he'd looked at him. There's a rustle, a sigh, a creak of the bed across from his. His muscles tighten in strung-out hopefulness as he listens to Dean move.
The door clicks closed.
~
In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Sam starts to suspect that Dean has a fetish. He's aware of the furtive, darting glances Dean sends his way while he's still Mr FBI, all stiff black suit and cool control. But it's not until he's got Dean crowded into the corner of the motel room, his hand encircling Dean's wrists and pinning them above his head, and Dean's so on edge he's barely able to keep still, that he realises how messed up his brother is.
He covers Dean's mouth with his own, cautious and shy. Sighs into the kiss as Dean parts his lips for him. To be honest, Sam's probably a little messed up too.
~
In Providence, Rhode Island, they lie side-by-side on a Magic Fingers bed. They're lying close enough that Dean's thigh is pressed to Sam's, his hipbone just slightly higher than Sam's. The vibrations rub them together with tiny, frenetic jitters, a warm teasing friction that lazily drives Sam crazy.
"Awesome, huh?" says Dean.
Sam grins at him, says, "Yeah."
~
In Duluth, Meg almost rapes Jo and puts a bullet in Dean. Sam thinks maybe she's not reading his darker instincts clearly enough. It's the other way around.
~
In Springfield, Ohio, Sam's cock gets hard at the wrong moment and ends up grinding into the small of Dean's back. The wrestling match snaps to a sudden halt. Sam swallows hard, hotly conscious of every single point of contact between his body and Dean's, thighs and arms, Dean's back to his chest. This is something new, something unfamiliar, and he's not sure if it's allowed, doesn't know where the lines are between him and Dean anymore.
Dean isn't struggling to get free.
~
On Highway 41, Nevada, a ghost asks Sam to explain why some people don't go peaceful into that good night. His fingertips skim over the skin-thin pieces of old paper, love letters and keepsakes, and he says, "Unfinished business. Something's keeping them here."
He hears Dean moving up the stairs, and Sam knows that if he were to die, right this second, he'd be one of those raging against the dying of the light.
~
In San Francisco, California, normality reinvents itself into a recently cured werewolf. Dean approves.
"She could be good for you," he tells Sam.
And maybe Sam would be hurt by how easily Dean pushes Sam at her, but he knows what Dean's not saying. Guiltily, he agrees with it too. Madison's head on his chest, her breath ghosting over his skin, Sam knows that she's the saner, healthier aspect of his love life.
~
In Los Angeles, California, some guys from Lighting invite Dean out for a drink. Dean says thanks, but no, and waves them off with a grin. They've been on the set two days and Dean fits in. It might be easier, Sam thinks, to give Dean up to a lifestyle, instead of to a person. Easier, but not easy. Like giving Dean up could ever be that.
~
In Green River County Detention Center, Sam puts Dean up against the wall, cradles his face between his palms, and kisses him. The steam from the shower rises around them, cloying and thick but no proper shield from their audience. Dean tried to make them cut cards to see who was going to be the bitch but Sam had refused.
"You're the bitch, dude. Too pretty for anyone to believe anything else."
Sam fucks his tongue into his brother's mouth, in front of at least fifteen people, and no one says a single word. In prison, Sam feels free.
~
In Joliet, Illinois, Dean falls in love with an advertisement for beer. John's a dead softball player. Sam's with Jess, and he's normal. So very normal he's not in love with his brother. In fact, he doesn't even like his brother.
"That's your perfect world?" Sam says. He can't help the note of accusation.
"No," says Dean. "Just a wish."
~
In Cold Oak, South Dakota, Sam goes to sleep with Dean's shoulder beneath his head, Dean's fingers in his hair, Dean's mouth at his temple. He's safe. He's loved. He sleeps and dreams of Dean, while fire pools at the base of his spine.
~
In a cemetery in Wyoming, their mom is avenged, Dad's story is over and Dean starts to slip away from Sam. The clock is already ticking.
~
Just outside Lincoln, Nebraska, they find a motel that charges by the hour and fuck for the first time. It's not perfect, not good even. It's violent, more like fighting than fucking. Sam comes too soon, fingers biting into Dean's hips, and Dean makes a sound like a sob that he tries to pretend is laughter.
"Think this counts as necrophilia?" Dean says. "Fucking a guy who's as good as dead?"
Sam sinks his teeth into Dean's throat and, beneath the sweat on Dean's skin, he tastes grave-dirt.
~
In Cicero, Indiana, Dean shakes his head and says, "He's not mine." Shrugs and adds, "Which is… yeah, 'Cause, an awesome kid like that? I'd have to feel guilty I'm checkin' out so soon, right?"
And, well, if Dean's gonna be so selfish, gonna take a pass on guilt because he's only leaving a brother behind instead of a son, then Sam's not going to feel guilty that he's using a demon to try to keep him here.
~
In Black Rock, just outside Buffalo, Dean knocks a guy out by bouncing a TV remote off his forehead. It's the luck of the rabbit's foot, but it doesn't seem all that spectacular to Sam. Dean's been doing the impossible ever since Sam can remember: putting a meal on the table when the cupboards are bare, finding Sam a tux for the prom, coming up with the money for new sneakers when Sam's old ones barely hold together.
So yeah, Dean's Batman. Sam expects nothing less.
~
In Elizabethville, Ohio, Sam shoots. It doesn't matter that Dean doesn't want him to, or that the other demon - the one that had its hand around Dean's throat - is already dead, or that there's an innocent girl, Casey, wrapped around the ugly black smoke he's aiming at.
All that matters, is that Sam needs to save Dean. So he shoots.
~
In Maple Springs, New York, after Sam's tucked the Colt back inside Dean's duffel, he sits on the edge of the bed, where Dean's still sleeping in waves of silver-white blankets, bathed in the yellow lamplight, and says, "I love you I love you I love you."
Like it makes a difference to the dead girl at the crossroads, or to the demons waiting in the hellfire for Dean. Like it makes Sam less guilty for the things he's done and the things he's going to do.
~
In Massachusetts, Bela pays too much attention to the way Dean's tux fits him. She doesn't miss an opportunity to put her hands on him, and Sam keeps waiting for Dean to brush her off. Dean doesn't.
And Sam has been patiently putting up with Dean's women since he was twelve. But Bela… Bela shot him. Even the most tension-relieving, grudging hate-sex between them would be unacceptable to Sam.
So, yeah, it's a pain in the ass when Bela steals the hand, but Sam has to admit he's relieved she's effectively lost any chance she might have had with Dean.
~
On a road in the middle of nowhere, a breeze stirs Sam's hair while he hunches over the popped hood of the Impala. He'd barely notice it, but there's a strange significance to it. He straightens up and as he does, time flashes past him, a river bursting its banks.
Dean is gone, and all Sam has left is a broken-down car and the road stretching onwards.
He blinks, and Dean is back. For now.
~
In Ypsilanti, Michigan, eggnog makes Sam heavy and drowsy. He curls in against Dean's body, small against his big brother even though it's years since Dean outweighed him. Dean's chest is Sam's pillow and he can hear Dean's heartbeat, low and steady and so close that Sam could just reach right in and take his heart in his hands, keep it for his. He toys, clumsy-fingered, with Dean's amulet, until the metal is warm in his grip.
~
In Renee Van Allen's living room, a demon stops a bullet from the Colt. Sam stares at the bullet, hanging there in the air, and thinks about how he left Dean in a pool of his own blood. Worse than letting Dean die is letting Dean die alone. He wonders if Dean's dead yet, if he's in Hell yet. More importantly, he wonders whether he's done enough to follow him down there.
~
In the uncertainties of Dean's dream, there's a little patch of normal in the shape of Lisa Braedon. She's the brightest light in Dean's psyche, bright as hope, as longing. There's clear shame on Dean's face for wanting this, but he doesn't look away from her until she flickers and is gone. Sam hurts inside at the darkness she leaves behind. All the times he wanted normal, he never wanted it quite so much as he wants to be it for Dean.
~
On Tuesday, Sam holds one of Dean's wrists in each hand and presses him spread-eagled beneath him into the filthy, damp sheets, bodies so tight together that nothing can reach Dean without going through Sam first. Dean's skin is hot, slippery with sweat and come. He has one leg hooked around Sam, heel digging into the small of Sam's back. Each sharp thrust of Sam's hips drives a tiny grunt past Dean's kiss-slick, pink lips.
Dean's eyes fix suddenly on Sam, green turning glassy.
Dean dies. That's just how it goes.
~
In Monument, Colorado, they're on different sides. Sam's standing with Ruby: they want to cut out the virgin's heart, because it's the smart thing to do. Dean's standing with Henrikson: they don't want to cut out the virgin's heart, because it's the wrong thing to do.
Sam's not surprised Henrikson's come around to liking Dean. Dean gets under people's skin until they're not sure if they want to punch him or fuck him, or punch him and then fuck him. Henrikson just needed an excuse to stop hating Dean.
Sam's thought about how his life could be without Dean, thought about it a lot. He hasn't thought about how Dean's life could be without him.
~
In the Ghostfacers' headquarters, watching the footage of Morton House, Sam finds himself strangely fascinated every time it's Dean on the screen. He fidgets, uninterested and impatient, through the rest, and his breath hitches each time he catches a glimpse of an angle of Dean's face or the sudden shadow of his shoulder up in front.
He regrets what they're going to have to do. When Dean goes - if-if-if, damn it - there will be Dean the monster in the police reports, and Dean the brother in Sam's memory. Nothing of Dean the hunter, except a few hundred people ignorant of the fact that they were saved.
~
In Milan, Ohio, blind faith is all Dean says he has. Faith in John, in a voice at the end of the phone, calling from who-the-fuck knows where. Sam's not so selfish that he'd refuse to let John help Dean while Sam fails to. But he wonders sometimes if Dean didn't sell his soul because he couldn't live without Sam so much as he sold it because he couldn't live with failing in the duty John had given him. And if Sam can be the one to save Dean this time, he'll have Dean's blind faith all for himself.
~
In Erie, Pennsylvania, hellhounds tear Bela to bloody shreds of flesh and drag her soul to Hell. They do this in the hotel room that was Sam and Dean's. They do this in the room that Dean had been in only an hour earlier. Too close. It's all too close and too late.
~
In New Harmony, Indiana, they watch the hands on the clock slip neatly onto midnight. Dean turns and looks at Sam. Smiles apologetically as his debt comes due.
Sam's not ready to be alone.
~end
All the times we were me and you
(Sam/Dean, r-rated, 4000ish words)
From the pilot to No Rest For The Wicked…
In Jericho, California, Sam decides he has grown too tall to be able to sit comfortably in the Impala, and the mullet-rock - unhappily familiar - is as irritating as he remembers. He grits his teeth every time Dean talks. He's hot and dirty and he thinks longingly of how, soon, he will be in his clean, warm bed and Jess will be lying beside him.
~
In Black Water Ridge, Colorado, every time Sam wakes, he's surprised to find himself where he is. It takes him a second of blinking against the pale sunlight flickering between the tall trees and the blare of music, to remember that this is reality. He shrugs off Dean's gruff concern and ignores the sideways looks Dean shoots him. If Dean wants to help him, he can take him to Dad. To revenge.
~
In Lake Manitoc, Wisconsin, Sam watches Dean's hands move over green, plastic soldiers and bright, stubby crayons. He watches Dean tilt his head at the kid and smile. Somewhere, long ago, Dean is smiling like that at him. Dean is dropping to his knees and Sam's watching, delighted, as Dean makes a bunny rabbit out of his trailing shoelaces, bounces it round the tree and loops it into a tidy bow.
Sam wonders what else he should have remembered in the rush to forget it all.
~
In a plane over Pennsylvania, Dean plasters himself into his seat and twitches with every rumble and shudder. Fear makes him look oddly young. His jacket cuffs hang over his hands - a hand-me-down from Dad, probably.
"How does Dad feel about you being scared to fly?" Sam says.
"Never told him."
Flying or Dad's expectations, Sam wonders which fear is more irrational.
~
In Toledo, Ohio, Jess is standing on the corner of the street, achingly beautiful. Lit up by the sun, she watches them drive by and Sam can't read the expression on her face. Guilt tells him it's contempt, betrayal. Sam has more than one secret, even if nobody died because he was a fucked-up in the head teen. He got over it. It's an old secret, stale.
The echo of Dean's thumbs resting against the points of his jaw burns his skin.
~
In St Louis, Missouri, Rebecca Warren keeps looking at Dean, her gaze sliding over him like it can't stay away. Dean doesn't notice but Sam does. At first he thinks she's checking him out, and he inwardly rolls his eyes and feels disappointed that Becky doesn't have more sense. Then he realises: she can't believe Dean is Sam's brother. He looks at Dean, looks at the crude but accurate sketch with the police reports, and has a moment of not believing it either.
~
At Eastern Iowa University, Sam kisses a girl for the first time since Jess. Lori is compassionate and sweet, even for a girl whose self-righteousness has attracted the attentions of a murderous spirit. Sam wonders whether Jess would have liked her and keeps ending up at the uncomfortable conclusion that she wouldn't, and not just because Sam kissed her.
Dean likes her enough to offer Sam the chance to stick around, and maybe that's just because Sam kissed her.
~
In Oasis Plains, Oklahoma, Sam finally snaps.
"Would you just leave it?" he says. Dean looks at him, all protesting innocence. "All the snarky little comments about Matt, I've had enough of them. You're glad he's not arguing with his dad anymore, I get it. But growing up with a dad who disapproves of your hobby is very different to growing up with our dad."
"Yeah!" Dean says. "Our dad actually had a fucking point with all the little things that got you so pissed!"
And Sam is sixteen all over again.
~
In Lawrence, Kansas, the way Dean looks at Sam changes. It's not the first time it's changed. After Sam announced his decision to go to Stanford, Dean looked at him different then. When Sam tells him about the dreams, the dreams that keep coming true, Dean looks at him like half of him thinks it's a joke and the other half thinks it's a really pretty tasteless joke. It shouldn't bother Sam because they're Dean's issues not his. Sam told the truth and that's that. It shouldn't bother Sam.
~
In Rockford, Illinois, Sam points a gun at Dean's chest and pulls the trigger three times. Click click click. Dean punches him out, salts and burns the ghost and gets the kids out of the asylum. Sam apologises and says he didn't mean the things he said. For once in your life, just shut your mouth! Of course he didn't mean them.
He'll pick lies over the truth any time.
~
In Burkittsville, Indiana, Sam climbs back into the Impala beside Dean and plucks a stray apple leaf from Dean's hair. Dean smells fresh and is rosy-cheeked. Bright with gratitude and relief, which he'd rather die than speak out loud. Psychic dreams and arguments almost five years old aren't anywhere near as entertaining as teasing Dean about whether the locals knew they weren't getting a virgin sacrifice.
~
In a field in Nebraska, the rain thin and miserable in the air, Sam catches Dean when he slips in the mud. He wraps an arm about him before he can fall, holds him against his chest while Dean shivers and tries to catch his breath. Dean's heartbeat flutters under his hand, a butterfly in a glass box.
This time, it's Sam hanging on. The more Dean tries to let go, the tighter Sam holds him.
~
In Cape Girardeau, Missouri, Sam spends a night alone. He sits up by the weak violet glow of his laptop and searches the net for demon trucks and possessed cars. He ends up watching Herbie, the Lindsay Lohan remake. It doesn't count much as research but it's still pretty scary. It doesn't distract him though. Because every time he sees Cassie, he wants to say He almost died recently. Did you know that? Did you? And did you know you're looking at the reason he didn't?
~
In Saginaw, Michigan, Sam moves a cabinet with his mind. He doesn't know why he tells Dean later, why he makes sure Dean understands exactly what he means. Or… screw that. Sam knows why he tells him. It's not because he wants to test whether that same look will come into Dean's eyes. Because it does and he expects it. And it's not because of the spoon bending comments or flat denials that it's worth discussing because it won't happen again.
"You got one advantage Max didn't have," says Dean, shrugging on his jacket. "You got me."
It's because he knows Dean'll make him feel better about it.
~
In Hibbing, Minnesota, a woman peers through the bars of her cage at Sam and says, "Your cousin's looking for you." Right then, Sam's biggest concern stops being whether Dean'll find him or not and starts being just how much Dean's gonna mock him for getting got by a bunch of hillbillies.
~
In Chicago, Illinois, Dean says, "It's never gonna be over," and Sam says, "Things will never be the way they were before." And later, when Dean's clinging onto their dad like he's finally drawing breath again after months of holding it, and the swift surge of jealous insecurity goes through Sam, he wonders if what he wants and what Dean wants could ever coincide.
~
In Richardson, Texas, Dean makes Sam laugh again. Proper, thick laughter as Dean jerks his hand and the bottle flashes in the light but doesn’t fall. It feels good in his chest, a loosening. There will be retribution of course - he'd be disappointed if there wasn't.
He's sixteen again, but that's okay because life could be pretty cool when he was sixteen and growing up with Dean.
~
In Fitchburg, Wisconsin, two little kids echo Sam's childhood with Dean back at him.
They ask Michael to be bait for the Striga. Sam thinks it's crazy and dangerous. Dean thinks so too, but he knows the unspoken code of big brothers: nothing is too crazy or too dangerous if it's done for them. Sam understands now, even if he's not sure he feels better for it.
~
In New Paltz, New York, there's a whisper of Stanford when Sam kisses Sarah. A whisper of that normal life he borrowed. He tried it on and liked it, left it behind for revenge. He could have it back. Jess is gone and he still aches inside at the thought of never seeing her again. But there's Sarah. Sweet and brave, someone he could fall in love with.
He kisses Sarah goodbye, kisses that life goodbye.
~
In Manning, Colorado, some tentative bond forms between John and Sam. It's unknown territory for Sam and John to sit together and find common ground without having to push and shove each other towards it. The only common ground they ever had was Dean.
So Sam doesn't understand why, when Dean walks into the room and both John and Sam look to him, the bond shudders. Weakens.
~
In Salvation, Iowa, Sam lifts Dean bodily and slams him up against the wall. Dean doesn't fight him, doesn't struggle. Just lets Sam pin him there, Sam's hands curled into fists against the fragile line of his collarbone.
"Without you and Dad-" says Dean.
Sam cuts him off. He doesn’t want to hear what's coming next, doesn't want to hear how much Dean needs him, not when Sam's got him like this.
~
On a road in South Dakota, heading away from a cabin where the floor is slick with Dean's blood, Sam sees his brother in the narrow rectangle of the rear-view mirror. Bloody and barely conscious, hooded eyes fixed as tight on him as he can manage.
"Killing this demon comes first," says John. "Before me, before everything."
John's never been more wrong.
~
In Shiloh County Hospital, Sioux Falls, Sam rests his fingers on the planchette of the spirit board and reaches out with all he has, straining into the beyond, and hopes (prays) to find Dean reaching back to him.
~
In Bobby's yard, Sam stalks through the broken-down cars and the shimmering heat, traps Dean against the smashed trunk of the Impala and kisses him. Dean struggles, shaky and breathless, fingers scrabbling over the wrecked metal, and Sam holds him down with the weight of his body on his. Desperate and brutal, Sam kisses Dean until he feels the fight go out of him.
"Please," Sam whispers against his mouth.
The cracks running through Dean split wider open.
~
In Red Lodge, Montana, blood glistens wetly in the girlish sweep of Dean's lashes, trickles in fat, sluggish lines over the swell of Dean's lips. Sam stares at him, tries to find some precedent in his memory that will reassure him that this is all temporary.
He can't find his brother under all the blood.
And Gordon Walker raises his glass to the transformation.
~
In Greenville, Illinois, Sam touches a wavering fingertip to the stickiness of Dean's tears drying on his cheeks. Dean lets him, held still and unbreathing in the moment. Sam swipes away one fat teardrop with the pad of his thumb and catches a glimpse of his brother underneath.
~
In Guthrie, Oklahoma, Dean tells him he'll never be like them. Sam's not evil, Sam's not a killer. Over and over and over, Dean says it. Sam doesn't have the heart to point out that mind-whammies apparently don't work on kids like him.
~
In Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Jo is awake before Sam. Her gaze drops immediately to the case-file when he walks into the room, but he saw her, watching over Dean, who's sprawled into the most uncomfortable position imaginable on the couch as he sleeps.
"I'll get coffee," she says, avoiding his eyes, her cheeks flushed pink.
Sam thinks about the way Dean's looked at Jo. Thinks about Lori and Sarah, even Meg before they knew what she was. Says, "No, I'll go."
It's only fair.
~
In Baltimore, Maryland, they offer to take Dean away from Sam. He hears an alternate version of his life, how Dean's a murderer, a monster, and Sam's simply been caught up in it all. They tell him how it could go, how they could put Dean somewhere Sam would never have to think of him again.
He wonders if there was ever a time in his life when he would have considered accepting.
~
In Greenwood, Mississippi, the ugly, selfish thing that sits guiltily at the back of Sam's mind almost comes out. He almost tells Dean, tells him that he doesn't want John back if the price is Dean. When he realises how close Dean came to making that deal, he almost tells him.
Dean kisses him, rough and dry, something he wants to pretend he isn't doing, before Sam can say a word.
~
In Rivergrove, Oregon, they wait for the virus to take hold of Sam. Dean's gun rests against his thigh and Sam knows there's a bullet in there for him, and a bullet in there for Dean, and they're sitting corpse-cold right next to each other.
~
In Lafayette, Indiana, through a gap in the boards of the house, Sam sees Dean bound and gagged. Gordon's beside him, his hand on his shoulder, as he leans down to murmur something in Dean's ear. And maybe for a moment, in the sudden sick heat of his blood, he's the monster Gordon says he is.
~
In Cornwall, Connecticut, Sam buries his face in the pillow, breathing in old, musty perfume, the lingering scent of the bodies that were here before his. His hips work against the mattress, helpless and uncoordinated, his skin still burning with the weight of the want in Dean's eyes when he'd looked at him. There's a rustle, a sigh, a creak of the bed across from his. His muscles tighten in strung-out hopefulness as he listens to Dean move.
The door clicks closed.
~
In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Sam starts to suspect that Dean has a fetish. He's aware of the furtive, darting glances Dean sends his way while he's still Mr FBI, all stiff black suit and cool control. But it's not until he's got Dean crowded into the corner of the motel room, his hand encircling Dean's wrists and pinning them above his head, and Dean's so on edge he's barely able to keep still, that he realises how messed up his brother is.
He covers Dean's mouth with his own, cautious and shy. Sighs into the kiss as Dean parts his lips for him. To be honest, Sam's probably a little messed up too.
~
In Providence, Rhode Island, they lie side-by-side on a Magic Fingers bed. They're lying close enough that Dean's thigh is pressed to Sam's, his hipbone just slightly higher than Sam's. The vibrations rub them together with tiny, frenetic jitters, a warm teasing friction that lazily drives Sam crazy.
"Awesome, huh?" says Dean.
Sam grins at him, says, "Yeah."
~
In Duluth, Meg almost rapes Jo and puts a bullet in Dean. Sam thinks maybe she's not reading his darker instincts clearly enough. It's the other way around.
~
In Springfield, Ohio, Sam's cock gets hard at the wrong moment and ends up grinding into the small of Dean's back. The wrestling match snaps to a sudden halt. Sam swallows hard, hotly conscious of every single point of contact between his body and Dean's, thighs and arms, Dean's back to his chest. This is something new, something unfamiliar, and he's not sure if it's allowed, doesn't know where the lines are between him and Dean anymore.
Dean isn't struggling to get free.
~
On Highway 41, Nevada, a ghost asks Sam to explain why some people don't go peaceful into that good night. His fingertips skim over the skin-thin pieces of old paper, love letters and keepsakes, and he says, "Unfinished business. Something's keeping them here."
He hears Dean moving up the stairs, and Sam knows that if he were to die, right this second, he'd be one of those raging against the dying of the light.
~
In San Francisco, California, normality reinvents itself into a recently cured werewolf. Dean approves.
"She could be good for you," he tells Sam.
And maybe Sam would be hurt by how easily Dean pushes Sam at her, but he knows what Dean's not saying. Guiltily, he agrees with it too. Madison's head on his chest, her breath ghosting over his skin, Sam knows that she's the saner, healthier aspect of his love life.
~
In Los Angeles, California, some guys from Lighting invite Dean out for a drink. Dean says thanks, but no, and waves them off with a grin. They've been on the set two days and Dean fits in. It might be easier, Sam thinks, to give Dean up to a lifestyle, instead of to a person. Easier, but not easy. Like giving Dean up could ever be that.
~
In Green River County Detention Center, Sam puts Dean up against the wall, cradles his face between his palms, and kisses him. The steam from the shower rises around them, cloying and thick but no proper shield from their audience. Dean tried to make them cut cards to see who was going to be the bitch but Sam had refused.
"You're the bitch, dude. Too pretty for anyone to believe anything else."
Sam fucks his tongue into his brother's mouth, in front of at least fifteen people, and no one says a single word. In prison, Sam feels free.
~
In Joliet, Illinois, Dean falls in love with an advertisement for beer. John's a dead softball player. Sam's with Jess, and he's normal. So very normal he's not in love with his brother. In fact, he doesn't even like his brother.
"That's your perfect world?" Sam says. He can't help the note of accusation.
"No," says Dean. "Just a wish."
~
In Cold Oak, South Dakota, Sam goes to sleep with Dean's shoulder beneath his head, Dean's fingers in his hair, Dean's mouth at his temple. He's safe. He's loved. He sleeps and dreams of Dean, while fire pools at the base of his spine.
~
In a cemetery in Wyoming, their mom is avenged, Dad's story is over and Dean starts to slip away from Sam. The clock is already ticking.
~
Just outside Lincoln, Nebraska, they find a motel that charges by the hour and fuck for the first time. It's not perfect, not good even. It's violent, more like fighting than fucking. Sam comes too soon, fingers biting into Dean's hips, and Dean makes a sound like a sob that he tries to pretend is laughter.
"Think this counts as necrophilia?" Dean says. "Fucking a guy who's as good as dead?"
Sam sinks his teeth into Dean's throat and, beneath the sweat on Dean's skin, he tastes grave-dirt.
~
In Cicero, Indiana, Dean shakes his head and says, "He's not mine." Shrugs and adds, "Which is… yeah, 'Cause, an awesome kid like that? I'd have to feel guilty I'm checkin' out so soon, right?"
And, well, if Dean's gonna be so selfish, gonna take a pass on guilt because he's only leaving a brother behind instead of a son, then Sam's not going to feel guilty that he's using a demon to try to keep him here.
~
In Black Rock, just outside Buffalo, Dean knocks a guy out by bouncing a TV remote off his forehead. It's the luck of the rabbit's foot, but it doesn't seem all that spectacular to Sam. Dean's been doing the impossible ever since Sam can remember: putting a meal on the table when the cupboards are bare, finding Sam a tux for the prom, coming up with the money for new sneakers when Sam's old ones barely hold together.
So yeah, Dean's Batman. Sam expects nothing less.
~
In Elizabethville, Ohio, Sam shoots. It doesn't matter that Dean doesn't want him to, or that the other demon - the one that had its hand around Dean's throat - is already dead, or that there's an innocent girl, Casey, wrapped around the ugly black smoke he's aiming at.
All that matters, is that Sam needs to save Dean. So he shoots.
~
In Maple Springs, New York, after Sam's tucked the Colt back inside Dean's duffel, he sits on the edge of the bed, where Dean's still sleeping in waves of silver-white blankets, bathed in the yellow lamplight, and says, "I love you I love you I love you."
Like it makes a difference to the dead girl at the crossroads, or to the demons waiting in the hellfire for Dean. Like it makes Sam less guilty for the things he's done and the things he's going to do.
~
In Massachusetts, Bela pays too much attention to the way Dean's tux fits him. She doesn't miss an opportunity to put her hands on him, and Sam keeps waiting for Dean to brush her off. Dean doesn't.
And Sam has been patiently putting up with Dean's women since he was twelve. But Bela… Bela shot him. Even the most tension-relieving, grudging hate-sex between them would be unacceptable to Sam.
So, yeah, it's a pain in the ass when Bela steals the hand, but Sam has to admit he's relieved she's effectively lost any chance she might have had with Dean.
~
On a road in the middle of nowhere, a breeze stirs Sam's hair while he hunches over the popped hood of the Impala. He'd barely notice it, but there's a strange significance to it. He straightens up and as he does, time flashes past him, a river bursting its banks.
Dean is gone, and all Sam has left is a broken-down car and the road stretching onwards.
He blinks, and Dean is back. For now.
~
In Ypsilanti, Michigan, eggnog makes Sam heavy and drowsy. He curls in against Dean's body, small against his big brother even though it's years since Dean outweighed him. Dean's chest is Sam's pillow and he can hear Dean's heartbeat, low and steady and so close that Sam could just reach right in and take his heart in his hands, keep it for his. He toys, clumsy-fingered, with Dean's amulet, until the metal is warm in his grip.
~
In Renee Van Allen's living room, a demon stops a bullet from the Colt. Sam stares at the bullet, hanging there in the air, and thinks about how he left Dean in a pool of his own blood. Worse than letting Dean die is letting Dean die alone. He wonders if Dean's dead yet, if he's in Hell yet. More importantly, he wonders whether he's done enough to follow him down there.
~
In the uncertainties of Dean's dream, there's a little patch of normal in the shape of Lisa Braedon. She's the brightest light in Dean's psyche, bright as hope, as longing. There's clear shame on Dean's face for wanting this, but he doesn't look away from her until she flickers and is gone. Sam hurts inside at the darkness she leaves behind. All the times he wanted normal, he never wanted it quite so much as he wants to be it for Dean.
~
On Tuesday, Sam holds one of Dean's wrists in each hand and presses him spread-eagled beneath him into the filthy, damp sheets, bodies so tight together that nothing can reach Dean without going through Sam first. Dean's skin is hot, slippery with sweat and come. He has one leg hooked around Sam, heel digging into the small of Sam's back. Each sharp thrust of Sam's hips drives a tiny grunt past Dean's kiss-slick, pink lips.
Dean's eyes fix suddenly on Sam, green turning glassy.
Dean dies. That's just how it goes.
~
In Monument, Colorado, they're on different sides. Sam's standing with Ruby: they want to cut out the virgin's heart, because it's the smart thing to do. Dean's standing with Henrikson: they don't want to cut out the virgin's heart, because it's the wrong thing to do.
Sam's not surprised Henrikson's come around to liking Dean. Dean gets under people's skin until they're not sure if they want to punch him or fuck him, or punch him and then fuck him. Henrikson just needed an excuse to stop hating Dean.
Sam's thought about how his life could be without Dean, thought about it a lot. He hasn't thought about how Dean's life could be without him.
~
In the Ghostfacers' headquarters, watching the footage of Morton House, Sam finds himself strangely fascinated every time it's Dean on the screen. He fidgets, uninterested and impatient, through the rest, and his breath hitches each time he catches a glimpse of an angle of Dean's face or the sudden shadow of his shoulder up in front.
He regrets what they're going to have to do. When Dean goes - if-if-if, damn it - there will be Dean the monster in the police reports, and Dean the brother in Sam's memory. Nothing of Dean the hunter, except a few hundred people ignorant of the fact that they were saved.
~
In Milan, Ohio, blind faith is all Dean says he has. Faith in John, in a voice at the end of the phone, calling from who-the-fuck knows where. Sam's not so selfish that he'd refuse to let John help Dean while Sam fails to. But he wonders sometimes if Dean didn't sell his soul because he couldn't live without Sam so much as he sold it because he couldn't live with failing in the duty John had given him. And if Sam can be the one to save Dean this time, he'll have Dean's blind faith all for himself.
~
In Erie, Pennsylvania, hellhounds tear Bela to bloody shreds of flesh and drag her soul to Hell. They do this in the hotel room that was Sam and Dean's. They do this in the room that Dean had been in only an hour earlier. Too close. It's all too close and too late.
~
In New Harmony, Indiana, they watch the hands on the clock slip neatly onto midnight. Dean turns and looks at Sam. Smiles apologetically as his debt comes due.
Sam's not ready to be alone.
~end