(no subject)
Long entry that's more of I wanted to write everything down to clear the slate sort of thing.
I have so many things I could complain about right now. You know just burst those little packets of hate inside of me that never seem to fade. But I don’t want to. I have the reasons to, but I refuse to.
Monday night I had two pretty amazing conversations, neither were face to face and I wouldn’t have been able to handle either one of them if they were. During the first, which was unexpected, I said everything I have desperately needed to say to someone, for the past three years, to a girl who a year and a half ago I barely said anything. And I can say without a shred of a doubt that one single conversation changed my life immensely. I put words together that I was once afraid to write down, I made sentences that have ran through my head for months, and they kept pouring out of me. At first I wanted it to stop, I wanted to shut up, end it all, and at least pretend to sleep. Then I kept going, and saying all these things, and I never wanted to stop - I wanted to say everything I’ve never said before. I never thought it would be like that, and she said things that threw me so off my path that when I finally opened my eyes again I wasn’t sure were I ended up. I had stopped thinking one way and started feeling another. It was odd and awkward for me to hear it and still fantastic and perfect and bizarre. And if I wasn’t me I’d be envious, or jealous (I can’t remember which one now), of myself because I was the only one who could hear her. My life changed Monday night and I’m so fucking excited about it I can’t wait until it happens again.
Then later it did. Same first, different last named girl, and still just as amazing. Except I wasn’t the center of this telling, which was better because I didn’t want to repeat it all. I wanted to hear someone else’s story. I said my opening statement again (it’s getting easier as I repeat it. My mouth works it out differently each time but it’s getting easier.) And then she played it back and set the record down and started her tune. It was about love this time, and there wasn’t anything like it in my story so I hung on every word. It was about new love, unsure, confusing, difficult love. And I wanted to say how cute and thoughtful and genuine and real I thought it was, but I can’t remember if I said any of those things. I gave advice that I’ve never actually used, and pointed out things that I see but don’t actually experience, and it all sounded okay and I hoped everything work out okay but still I was nervous for her because it was something anyone could want but only few get to possess. I wanted her to be lucky, to be okay, to not get hurt this time. The next day, Tuesday, things had improved but I haven’t talked to her again since then and now I really want to know. Did love finally figure itself out?
I said it again later on Tuesday, I think to another person I once idolized from a blind sort of vantage point where Russian literature and bad habits were the main discussions. Then it was Wednesday, and the day went by so fact I must not have noticed because I can’t remember anything right now except at lunch I told my best friend I’d tell him later. I haven’t kept my promise yet, although I promise that I will, I mean I swear I’ll keep it, but still. That night is blurry too. An old friend returned, incredible girl who when I see my mind goes blank and I think of blue. I said I love you and I miss you, and both those things are very true. But nothing else was whispered from me, and I guess I’m upset about it now. I had enough to say, hell I could have spouted lists, but everyone was talking and I was okay listening. I don’t know, I guess I didn’t want to interrupt. I didn’t want to ask too much, because I usually do, and I kept thinking about politeness and rules and how not to be rude. I love her. And I miss her, the thing is - now she’s here and I still do.
Wednesday night I told a story with Princesses and Mistresses and Butlers with houses made of onyx. Then it all merged with most of Thursday. I skipped school because of her, the one mentioned above. (The blue eyed girl, the one I said I loved.) I was wearing the same clothes, which let me just say was disgusting. I felt awkward in my skin again and it wasn’t fun adjusting. Left my bag at Cabana later, felt stupid and that made it worse. Watched two seconds of a movie that I’ve seen a thousand times, but the people that I was with didn’t know me well enough to know I watch it all the time. Then she left and we all waited and I pissed off another person I adore. I felt so bad I wanted to cry but she wasn’t, and she kept saying forget about it, forget it about it, but I could see it in her eyes. Rehearsal came next, same old story, I’ll tell it later, then probably reprise.
Friday night I saw a movie with another person who’s worth way too many words. Made me laugh a lot, and I got the shivers a little bit. But whatever, we all know life’s a bitch.
So now it’s Saturday, no Sunday now, and I have to wake up in 5 hours to go to church because I said I would. I haven’t been in a year, I’m actually kind of anxious, I’m just another non-descript though. Hell, I’m just another sadist.
“She said something true, I mentioned connotation, she said something platonic, I sort of wished it wasn’t.” catch me if you can - just please don't mention it
I have so many things I could complain about right now. You know just burst those little packets of hate inside of me that never seem to fade. But I don’t want to. I have the reasons to, but I refuse to.
Monday night I had two pretty amazing conversations, neither were face to face and I wouldn’t have been able to handle either one of them if they were. During the first, which was unexpected, I said everything I have desperately needed to say to someone, for the past three years, to a girl who a year and a half ago I barely said anything. And I can say without a shred of a doubt that one single conversation changed my life immensely. I put words together that I was once afraid to write down, I made sentences that have ran through my head for months, and they kept pouring out of me. At first I wanted it to stop, I wanted to shut up, end it all, and at least pretend to sleep. Then I kept going, and saying all these things, and I never wanted to stop - I wanted to say everything I’ve never said before. I never thought it would be like that, and she said things that threw me so off my path that when I finally opened my eyes again I wasn’t sure were I ended up. I had stopped thinking one way and started feeling another. It was odd and awkward for me to hear it and still fantastic and perfect and bizarre. And if I wasn’t me I’d be envious, or jealous (I can’t remember which one now), of myself because I was the only one who could hear her. My life changed Monday night and I’m so fucking excited about it I can’t wait until it happens again.
Then later it did. Same first, different last named girl, and still just as amazing. Except I wasn’t the center of this telling, which was better because I didn’t want to repeat it all. I wanted to hear someone else’s story. I said my opening statement again (it’s getting easier as I repeat it. My mouth works it out differently each time but it’s getting easier.) And then she played it back and set the record down and started her tune. It was about love this time, and there wasn’t anything like it in my story so I hung on every word. It was about new love, unsure, confusing, difficult love. And I wanted to say how cute and thoughtful and genuine and real I thought it was, but I can’t remember if I said any of those things. I gave advice that I’ve never actually used, and pointed out things that I see but don’t actually experience, and it all sounded okay and I hoped everything work out okay but still I was nervous for her because it was something anyone could want but only few get to possess. I wanted her to be lucky, to be okay, to not get hurt this time. The next day, Tuesday, things had improved but I haven’t talked to her again since then and now I really want to know. Did love finally figure itself out?
I said it again later on Tuesday, I think to another person I once idolized from a blind sort of vantage point where Russian literature and bad habits were the main discussions. Then it was Wednesday, and the day went by so fact I must not have noticed because I can’t remember anything right now except at lunch I told my best friend I’d tell him later. I haven’t kept my promise yet, although I promise that I will, I mean I swear I’ll keep it, but still. That night is blurry too. An old friend returned, incredible girl who when I see my mind goes blank and I think of blue. I said I love you and I miss you, and both those things are very true. But nothing else was whispered from me, and I guess I’m upset about it now. I had enough to say, hell I could have spouted lists, but everyone was talking and I was okay listening. I don’t know, I guess I didn’t want to interrupt. I didn’t want to ask too much, because I usually do, and I kept thinking about politeness and rules and how not to be rude. I love her. And I miss her, the thing is - now she’s here and I still do.
Wednesday night I told a story with Princesses and Mistresses and Butlers with houses made of onyx. Then it all merged with most of Thursday. I skipped school because of her, the one mentioned above. (The blue eyed girl, the one I said I loved.) I was wearing the same clothes, which let me just say was disgusting. I felt awkward in my skin again and it wasn’t fun adjusting. Left my bag at Cabana later, felt stupid and that made it worse. Watched two seconds of a movie that I’ve seen a thousand times, but the people that I was with didn’t know me well enough to know I watch it all the time. Then she left and we all waited and I pissed off another person I adore. I felt so bad I wanted to cry but she wasn’t, and she kept saying forget about it, forget it about it, but I could see it in her eyes. Rehearsal came next, same old story, I’ll tell it later, then probably reprise.
Friday night I saw a movie with another person who’s worth way too many words. Made me laugh a lot, and I got the shivers a little bit. But whatever, we all know life’s a bitch.
So now it’s Saturday, no Sunday now, and I have to wake up in 5 hours to go to church because I said I would. I haven’t been in a year, I’m actually kind of anxious, I’m just another non-descript though. Hell, I’m just another sadist.
“She said something true, I mentioned connotation, she said something platonic, I sort of wished it wasn’t.” catch me if you can - just please don't mention it