Fic: ... And the Battle Began (Chapter Six, Part Two)

[flister]

Things calm down a little after that. Katie waits for Naomi to take her hand on the way into college the next day and, just because she's now been given the choice, Naomi does it freely.

Emily doesn't accompany them and, rather than being concerned that her sister's decided to abandon her, Katie sighs in relief at her absence.

"Don't you think it's a bit... weird though?" Naomi asks as they prepare to leave each other before their first lesson.

"What? That she's finally managed to get a life and stop hanging around us both? Not really."

There's not much more to say on the matter, and Katie leaves her with a wink and a kiss and Naomi shuffles off to her next class alone.

She sees Emily once later on, and she's sitting with the curly-haired boy and he's showing her some kind of card trick that Naomi rolls her eyes at but it makes Emily laugh and then clap like it's the best thing she's seen all week.

Her stomach twists, then. Emily used to look at her that way and now she won't even look in her direction.

So she leaves, finds an empty classroom to read in and waits for the start of her next class.

When she realises that she's not reading it at all she closes her book and waits for the bell to ring so she can go to her next lesson and try to fucking focus on the sound of her lecturer’s voice so something might finally sink in.

If it's not one of them distracting her from work then it's the other. And it's got to stop, one way or another, preferably sooner rather than later

****

There's not a great desire to go to that twat's birthday party, but Katie wants to go because Effy will be there and Katie thinks she's just the coolest thing ever.

For Naomi, having Effy there is the main reason for her not to go but of course she can't tell Katie that, not with her excitedly applying her lip gloss in Naomi's bedroom mirror and pinning a neat little bow to her hair.

Number two reason is that moron, JJ. He just rubs Naomi up the wrong way, and she's never really met him properly. But there's something about the way he smiles at everyone, like they're all destined to be best mates, and his hair is stupid and he constantly sounds like he's bunged up. He reminds Naomi of those kids in school who always had snot dripping from their noses and didn't notice until it reached their top lip.

She's not sure how he's managed to stay friends with two boys who are sort of pretty in their own ways, even though Cook is the most obnoxious tosser she’s ever met. But then, actually, she and Katie are quite different so maybe people think the same thing about her, like How is that miserable looking blonde girl going out with that gorgeous, petite redhead? How are they a match?

Naomi knows she'd be lying to herself if she hadn't ever thought the same thing. But then no one knows them, really. Not even Emily.

"Is Em going?" Naomi asks, fiddling with the strap on her denim dungarees. She thinks maybe she should just cut the top part off and wear them as shorts but it seems like too much effort. "Haven't seen her for a while."

"Dunno," Katie replies without looking around. "She's been keeping to herself. I wondered maybe if she was seeing someone. Fuck if I know though."

Katie might still be talking but she's not sure. Everything's gone a bit blurry and, if she weren't sitting down, then she's worried she might have wobbled a little.

Of course, Naomi thinks. It makes perfect sense. It's what Katie did to Emily when they started going out - hid away for a bit. But that was only because they had to, not because either of them really wanted to.

So, if Emily is seeing someone then it'd have to be because people wouldn't understand. That maybe this person was a little different. A little different like fucking JJ.

"Babe? Babe?" Katie's suddenly saying, running her fingers through Naomi's hair. "You all right? You've gone really quiet."

Naomi forces out a smile. Because it doesn't fucking matter, who Emily's fucking. It's none of her business.

And she has Katie. Katie, who loves her. Who curls up against her at night and tickles her way up and down Naomi's stomach and wakes her with a kiss most mornings of the week.

So she pushes it down, this feeling of nausea that's threatening to creep up her throat, and takes Katie's hand.

"Yeah, sorry. Let's get the fuck out of here."

****

It's hard for Naomi to wipe the scowl from her face as she enters the pub just behind Katie, even though she's promised herself to try and have a nice time because making friends with these people might not be the worst thing in the world. They might even be fairly decent, underneath it all.

(Except JJ, she tells herself as she settles into a booth. He's still a useless weirdo.)

But that boy - Cook - is well on form and must have had a few already by the looks of him, and he pulls them both into a hug that smells of beer and dirt and reminds Naomi precisely why she'd rather be hugging a girl any fucking time.

It'd almost be endearing, his excitement, but he's just so much that Naomi wants to get the fuck out of there before she's even seen Emily staring at her over a large chocolate cake with JJ talking in her ear at a million miles an hour.

Katie's gone to the bar to get them drinks, leaving Naomi stranded in the middle of the pub trying to figure out whether to take a seat or go to Katie, even though she's standing with Cook who's laughing with his head tipped back. But then Katie's sort of laughing back, and she's smiling at him from the corner of her mouth, and he's putting his arm over her shoulder and she's not shrugging it off.

It's only then that Naomi gets that Katie's flirting, and her jaw clenches together tightly, eyes burning into the back of Cook's head, waiting for Katie to move away. But she doesn’t and it means that Naomi can’t either.

From behind her she hears, "Um, hey. Naomi, is it?"

She turns around and the boy with the lidded eyes and the floppy hair is beckoning her over.

"Come and sit down. JJ's about to make Emily's watch disappear. Cook will bring the drinks."

Taking one last look back at Katie, who's finally batting Cook's hand away before it reaches her arse, Naomi rolls her eyes and joins them at the table.

Effy pushes a drink towards her and says, "Here. Looks like you need this more than I do."

When Naomi looks at her, this time, it's a different smile. One that sort of says, I know about this sort of thing instead of I know everything and it's the first time Naomi smiles back at her.

Effy might be all right, but JJ's still pushing at the edges of her anger and he doesn't even know it. He's still trying to impress Emily with a trick a five-year old could do and she's still engrossed.

And Katie's sauntering back from the bar with shots that she knows Naomi doesn't like but apparently, Cook said they were good ones so I got us four, and Naomi honestly does not know which one of them is going to make her explode first.

She hopes, sincerely, that whichever one it is isn't around to witness it when it happens.

****

The evening turns out to be even more rubbish than Naomi had anticipated.

They get into a party at Thekla, which Naomi had always thought was a pretty good idea for a club but it apparently totally depends on the cliental and going to a party full of Bristol's version of the Mafia (track suits and fake-gold pendants do not a criminal mastermind make) is not improving the standard of the evening's company.

It's hot and stuffy and horrible in there, even though it's only November and outside is a bit nippy and Naomi really wants to leave.

But, to Naomi’s complete astonishment, Katie's had some of that white powder stuff (they all have, she thinks) that Cook got from his Uncle at the pub and she's well into dancing with Effy and trying to look cool, swirling around and spilling her drink on the floor.

Naomi can see the way that Effy looks at Katie, like she's a nuisance, and she feels like she should get defensive about it but, really, if anyone was hanging around Naomi the way that Katie's hanging around Effy she knows she'd get a bit pissy about it too.

And, over by some tables, JJ's spinning Emily around to the music and she's giggling and stumbling a little so that he has to catch her, with his horrible, lanky arms around her and, actually, just fuck the lot of them.

She goes to tell Katie she's leaving, that she's had enough, and expects to have to a bit of a fight with Katie to be allowed to leave solo but Katie just kisses her on the cheek and says, "Oh, okay babes. Get home safe, yeah? I’m gonna stay and dance with Eff. I'll text you later."

She's already turned around and is dancing with Effy and Effy's mate, Panda, and has totally forgotten that Naomi's there, apparently. And she expects Effy to at least back her up but she only shrugs, half her top already down her arm, and spins around to feed Panda some champagne from her own glass.

It's the first time it's happened, that Katie hasn't wanted to go with her, and it stings, of course it fucking does. And just like that Katie's given her some freedom back and she has no idea what to do with it.

So, she makes a beeline for the door, swiping an open bottle of champagne from a table on her way out and getting the fuck gone before anyone notices.

****

She's barely off the boat when she hears a, "Hey, Naomi, wait," from behind her and she doesn't need to turn around to know that it's Emily.

"What?" she says without stopping because now really isn't the time for Emily to take an interest in her life again.

"Don't go."

Naomi sighs, stops then, and turns around. "Why?"

Emily shifts her cardigan back up onto her shoulder and shrugs.

"Right," she sniffs and carries on walking away.

She's made it all the way to the subway when she hears Emily catch up with her.

Huffing, she turns just as Emily's slowing, and her head's a little fuzzy from all of the drink, and that weird white powder but her anger is clear. It's all she has left.

"What, Emily? Why don't you just go back to the fucking party and dance with your friends?"

She expects Emily to look upset, demoralised, so when Emily's brow sets in a cross frown Naomi's a little taken aback.

"Oh that's fucking nice, that is. Coming from you."

"You know I'm only here because of Katie, Emily. Why are you here? To get with JJ? Well don't let me stop you." Her arms are flailing about and some of the champagne sloshes out of the bottle and over her hand. She wipes it on her shirt and takes a big swig, feeling the fizz explode in her mouth.

"Is that what you think?" Emily asks, quieter now, and takes a step closer as Naomi swallows.

Naomi's rooted to the spot, and she really needs Emily to stay back because she just can't see her. Not right now.

"I don't know, Ems. You fucking tell me." She rolls her eyes and her head feels heavy, like she’s supposed to be feeling something good right now but all she feels is dazed. Like she’s borrowed someone’s glasses and the world’s just slightly out of focus.

"You really want me to tell you?" Emily says, taking a step closer, and Naomi closes her eyes and shakes her head.

"It doesn't matter now, does it? We're hardly friends anymore. You never talk to me at college, you're always with him and I..."

"What, Naoms?" Emily whispers, and Naomi can feel her there. She's close, too close, and she's not ready for this. She's not ready to know it, to know any of it, and she wants to run before it's too late.

“I don’t get why, Emily. We were fine, we were just… You were my friend and then you just fucked off. So why don’t you do the same now, yeah? You’ve made your choice.”

“God,” Emily huffs, shaking her head. “You still don’t fucking get it, do you?” She’s stumbling, then, but makes a grab for the bottle that Naomi’s still holding.

It’s a reflex reaction, that Naomi pulls it away from her, extending her arm right out so that Emily can’t reach and it sends her falling into Naomi who wraps her other arm around Emily’s waist to keep them both standing.

She’s taken back to another time, then, when they’d laughed and shared a bottle and stumbled and caught each other. Only last time they were smiling and now, here, they’re glaring at each other and Emily’s wriggling free.

Or trying to, at least, because Naomi’s arm won’t move. She won’t let it, and Emily looks up at her, breathing heavily now, and all it takes is for Emily to lick her lips, quickly, before Naomi’s pushing Emily backwards, dropping the bottle somewhere behind them, and she can hear it shatter as Emily hits the wall and Naomi smashes their mouths together.

Emily makes a startled sound in her throat as her head smacks into the concrete, her arms loose around Naomi, and Naomi is about to pull away, because fuck, she knew but she didn’t know. She didn’t want to know, not even a little but now she’s told herself and Emily in the process.

If it actually had startled Emily, though, it only takes her a second to recover and then she's pushing into the kiss with as much fervour as Naomi is and it's all it takes for a need that's been swelling up inside Naomi to burst free.

It’s Naomi’s turn to be surprised, then, because Emily’s answering all the questions Naomi had been afraid to ask by the way she’s opening her mouth for Naomi’s tongue and how she’s touching everywhere all at once, grasping at her t-shirt, the strap of her dungarees, as much of her hair as she can manage.

And Naomi knows she should stop it there, but Emily is fucking kissing her back and she really has no idea what she's supposed to do, especially when Emily whimpers into her and everything that's she's been afraid of is realised.

Emily wants her. And - fuck if it isn’t the most right thing she’s ever thought - she wants Emily. So she takes her turn in feeling, wrapping her arms around Emily’s waist, pulling her in so their bodies press together.

There’s a gasp from Emily, then, and it snaps Naomi out of whatever trance she’s been held under for the last minute (because it felt like the longest kiss ever but it really couldn’t have been) and she pulls away quickly, mid-kiss, leaving Emily breathless and staring.

"Shit," Naomi mutters, stepping back further, only barely registering the way Emily's left clinging onto thin air. "Shit, I'm sorry."

"Hey, Naoms, wait..." Emily starts, shaking her head and taking a step towards Naomi.

"No, no. Shit, I'm sorry," Naomi says again, feeling her voice about to break, and backs away, leaving Emily flustered and falling back against the wall.

“Naomi, you don’t have to… shit, look we should talk about this…”

“I’m sorry… I just… I have to go,” Naomi takes another step back, her feet crunching over bits of glass, and picks up her bag, which is splattered in warm champagne.

She can’t look at Emily anymore (she’ll probably never be able to again) and turns quickly before the tears start.

This time, when Naomi leaves, Emily doesn't follow her.

****

A text wakes her up sometime later after she's managed to crawl into bed and cry herself to sleep into Katie's pillow.

It takes a moment for her eyes to adjust and when she reads the message it almost sets off another bout of tears.

Without spelling mistakes, it says:

Hey babe. Sorry about tonight, I just wanted to dance. I think it was that powder stuff - won't do that again! Hope you got home okay. Miss you, love you. K xxx

She's the worst person ever. Even more so because she's wondering why there's no text from Emily.

Maybe she's hoping I died in a ditch on the way back, Naomi thinks as she closes her eyes again. Maybe it'd be better for all of us if I did.

****

There's no easy way to deal with the next day.

At first, the guilt hits her, and then the paranoia - what if Emily's told Katie how her girlfriend practically assaulted her in a subway? Told her how Naomi pushed her roughly against the wall and...

But, no. It hadn't been rough. Not even nearly. It had been sweet, and soft, and lovely.

The thought makes her curl her knees up to her chest as far as they'll go. She feels small, so small, but the feelings that are coursing through her are huge. Far too big for her to handle.

She's not sure what to do.

She needs to be alone.

She needs Katie.

She needs Emily.

She's not sure what to do.

****

When Katie rings at midday Naomi's sure it's to scream at her, but when Katie only groggily tells her that she feels fucking awful Naomi feels horrible for being relieved.

It's not so much a lie as an omitting of certain facts when Naomi tells Katie she got home fine and that she feels shit too. They don't make plans for that evening and it's what Naomi needs - just a bit of time to sort this out.

But, still, she needs to talk to Emily. She's just not sure that she can.

****

She spends the day in her room, reading and not reading, feeling nothing and feeling everything, so that when Emily finally texts around four o'clock asking if they can meet for a drink Naomi's half-convinced herself that nothing had even happened.

Only half, though, because she agrees to meet her back at Keith's pub where they know they'll get served and they can have a quiet chat in the corner.

She gets there before Emily and orders them both a pint of cider. Not that Naomi really feels like she can stomach anything but her own remorse but she knows she needs something to get her through this.

She's drunk a quarter of her pint when she hears the door go and looks up to watch Emily walk slowly over to her and, fuck, if she doesn't look how Naomi feels.

"Hi," she says quietly. "That for me?"

Naomi nods and looks back into her own drink as Emily sits down across from her.

Not close enough, Naomi thinks despite herself, and almost shakes her head at herself because, Christ, just because she was hammered it doesn’t mean that she’s allowed to think stuff like that now.

"Are you all right?" Emily asks after they've been sat there for a while.

Naomi snorts and takes another sip to try and steady herself. "Yeah, just about fucking fine, thanks. And you?"

"Don't be like that, Naoms."

Naomi flinches because even now Emily is being fucking lovely. Too nice to be nice to.

"Listen, last night..." Emily starts, but trails off. And Naomi can't look at her. After months of wanting Emily to just remember how they work and to look back at her now, now after what she did, she can't bear to look into Emily's eyes and see it all again.

"Last night," Naomi tries, for both of them. "I was... it was wrong that I did that. I'm sorry, Ems."

"Oh," Emily says quietly. And then, stronger, "Yeah, I mean. Don't worry about it. We were both fucking on something. Fuck knows what was in that stuff, right? Could have been anything."

She does look up at Emily then, and the soft smile there is reassuring. Like, yeah. Yeah, actually.

"Yeah, right. I mean - I have no fucking idea. Never again, right?" Naomi tries out a smile of her own. It feels false, fake. Like trying to reason her way out of kissing Emily is something that could ever make her happy.

"Right." Emily shakes and nods her head simultaneously, hair slipping around her face as she puts her drink to her mouth, and Naomi can see her lips curve around the glass and has to look away before she lets herself react.

"But, Ems," Naomi breathes, feeling sick again for the millionth time in the last twenty-ish hours. "Katie...?"

"Oh, we'd best not tell her, yeah? I don't think she'd see it the same way. And..." she looks right at Naomi, then, and Naomi has nowhere to hide. "And I don't want to hurt her, Naomi."

It's the truest thing they've said since they got there. And Naomi can only agree.

"No. Me either."

“So,” Emily says, straightening up. “It’s all forgotten about, then?”

Naomi’s mind flashes to Emily pushed against a wall, grasping at her everywhere, and remembers the feel of Emily’s lips and she feels her body burn all over.

“Yeah,” she says, though. “Thanks.”

****

They manage to talk about their evening, other than the incident, and it almost feels like Naomi’s got her back again until it’s time to go after just the one pint and there’s an awkward pause outside and Emily shoves her hands into her skirt pockets.

It’s too weird for a hug, even though Naomi’s dying to feel her again, and they say their goodbyes and head home in different directions.

They’ll pretend that nothing has changed and Naomi will try as she can to believe that that’s true.

****

The next evening Katie shows up with hot chocolate and a pizza and says that she really couldn't possibly handle booze and can they just do nothing for the evening?

Naomi's surprised by how much she's missed Katie, what with how wrapped up she’s been in whatever that was with Emily the other night, and she tries to put it all to the back of her mind.

It was just a kiss, she tells herself. A drug fuelled kiss because, maybe, Emily looked a bit like Katie for a moment.

It’s a long shot but it’ll have to do. There’s too much for her to lose if it had been anything other.

“Let’s not take any of that shit again, yeah? I think… like… I liked it, a bit, but I only want to do it if you’re there. And if I know where I’m getting it from.” Katie snuggles into Naomi’s side and she wonders when she missed something. When Katie, who doesn’t even smoke, decided she liked drugs.

But, then, this is the girl who tried kissing a girl to see how it felt, who kissed her again because she liked it. So maybe this is another experiment.

It makes her feel sick again, that she’s just thought of their relationship like that.

Sort of like it’s a test for when the real thing comes along. Like a dry run for the next one.

Naomi hadn’t ever seen an end to them before and now that she has she knows she doesn’t want it.

“Hey, careful,” Katie chuckles, and Naomi realises that she’s holding her a little too lightly. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Naomi whispers and kisses the top of her head. “Just missed you a bit.”

“Aw, babe,” Katie says, turning to kiss Naomi’s neck. “I know what you mean.”

****

Despite the absolute disaster that was that party, Naomi finds them being drawn into this group, and when Katie gets a text from Effy asking for her help Naomi knows that she’s not going to turn her down.

She doesn’t quite get it, the Effy thing. Though, okay, yeah, she’s gorgeous and a bit interesting in a quiet sort of way, but the way the boys flock to her (and Naomi’s seen them all looking) but there’s nothing about her that makes Naomi really feel like they’re friends.

There’s a slight chance that Katie fancies her, Naomi thinks, and the thought makes her shudder, but it’s more likely that Katie just needs to be friends with the prettiest girls around.

It’s a status thing, probably. And that makes it easier.

So they go to help this guy out and sell some weed for him (which, again, Naomi is surprised Katie’s okay with) and it’s all fine until she finds Emily lurking somewhere in the dark.

They’d usually smile and laugh about how ridiculous this all is but it’s dark, and they’re alone again, and Naomi can’t bring herself to say anything of use.

And there’s an awkward moment where they try to pass each other and almost bump into each other as they go. Once Emily’s muttered a, “Sorry,” Naomi takes a moment to collect herself, leaning against the wall for support as she closes her eyes.

When she opens them, Effy is there with one of those smiles that Naomi scowls at.

“What?” she says, the bite clear in her voice.

“She’s nice, isn’t she?” Effy tilts her head to the side, regarding Naomi in a way that makes her feel naked.

“Yeah, she’s lovely. So?”

“So, aren’t you going out with the other one?”

Naomi narrows her eyes at Effy and takes a step closer as Effy folds her arms and stands firm.

“Look, I don’t know what you think is going on but - ”

“Hi babes,” Katie says from behind her, and Naomi carries on staring Effy down as best she can even as Katie takes her hand. “I’ve done all mine. Let’s go and watch the band.”

It takes Naomi a moment, and she’s never wanted to slap anyone so hard when Effy says, “Yeah, go on with your girlfriend, Naomi. I’ll go and find Emily for you.”

“Thanks, Eff,” Katie says brightly as she pulls Naomi away.

She can’t possibly know anything, Naomi thinks as Katie leads them into the crowd. Effy doesn’t know any of them, but when she catches Effy slip an arm around Emily’s waist and Naomi stiffens she knows that she’s wrong.

Effy must know at least something though; Naomi hopes to fucking God it’s not as obvious to everyone else.

****

The evening takes a weird turn, then, and they end up watching some sort of inexplicable chilli eating contest between the new bloke, Thomas, and the gangster from the party Cook took them to.

It’s a bit scary at first, and then it’s completely ridiculous. But, somehow, it brings them all a bit closer together so that by the time it’s done and they’re back in Thomas’ dingy little flat Naomi’s finally managed to relax.

And, she has to concede after she’s managed to end up with a joint in each hand, they’re not bad, these people.

Katie’s laughing and even leans in for a puff of a joint, which she splutters out but laughs at anyway, and Naomi kisses her in front of everyone.

The only problem is still Effy who will not stop fucking staring at her.

They’re going to need to have words, Naomi reckons. But she doesn’t know how to say anything without saying too much.

So she puts it to the back of her mind, only grimacing a little as JJ dances with Emily and she’s tempted to kick him in the balls but that would definitely be giving away too much.

Besides, she knows Emily’s free to do what she wants and if what she wants to do is kiss the braces off some spotty git then she can go for it.

She’s free - and single - and she can fucking well do whatever she likes.

****

More often than not they find themselves sitting together at college.

Naomi ends up laughing unwillingly at Cook, and when he’s not trying to touch her up (or her girlfriend) he’s actually all right. He’s all mouth, really, and Naomi respects him a little bit for being so carefree. He does what he wants and, by the looks of the girls that swarm around him, he usually gets it too.

She’s still a bit scared of talking to Effy because she never knows quite what that conversation will hold and Pandora, despite looking like someone just told her pigtails have gone out of fashion, is a bit of a head-fuck if Naomi’s honest so she doesn’t talk much to her either.

Katie, however, is fucking thriving in this new social environment, especially when she can sit there with her hand on Naomi’s knee as Naomi’s reading, and she makes sure that everyone knows that Naomi is hers.

She’s given up protesting about it as well because there’s no point. Plus, the guilt that’s still lingering over what happened with Emily prevents Naomi from being too much of a bitch and she hopes Katie thinks it’s because Naomi’s finally settled into being out in public.

So it’s fine. Everyone’s happy.

****

She honestly, really does not want to do anything for her birthday, but she’s seventeen and her girlfriend will not drop it.

Naomi manages to veto a party, though, getting out of it by saying she wants to spend a quiet evening in with Katie and do something romantic or whatever.

Of course, Katie can’t resist that, and plasters Naomi’s face with kisses before she fingers her on the sofa.

If there’s one thing that’s still fine between them, around and underneath all the things they’re not saying, it’s the sex. Katie wants her just as much as ever and Naomi can’t help but want her back.

She’s still her Katie, and she hasn’t changed, really. Not all that much, anyway.

****

The group of them all go out for Christmas drinks at Uncle Keith’s and Naomi drinks shots even though she doesn’t really want to but, fuck it, it’s in the spirit of things and when Cook stands up and declares that, “Right, we’re all toasting to the baby fucking Jesus, right, because he grew up to turn water into wine and shit so, like, to him, yeah?”

“To baby fucking Jesus!” Panda cries and swallows the tequila, and they all laugh as they try to drink their own.

It’s a new kind of family to Naomi. And, if JJ could stop looking at Emily’s tits (as well hidden as they might be) she’d actually like all of them.

****

They’re well fucking drunk by the time Keith’s kicking them out, telling them they can all piss off if they think he’s having a lock-in when none of them have paid for anything all night, and they all stumble outside into the cold air.

Naomi reaches out for what she thinks is Katie and is surprised when the figure lurches out of her arms.

“Shit, sorry Ems,” Naomi says, blinking away the fuzziness. “Sorry, thought you were…”

“Don’t worry,” Emily smiles and then leans up to peck Naomi on the cheek, whispering, “Merry Christmas,” in her ear before coming back down.

She’s staggering off with Panda as Naomi catches Effy watching her, and Naomi’s not even surprised anymore.

“Not the first time, I’d imagine,” Effy says with a wink and then Cook’s howling at her and picking her up off the floor and running off with her.

Naomi’s stood still, lighter in hand, when Katie comes up behind her and says, “Sorry, sorry, needed a piss. Shall we go?”

She tugs on Naomi’s hand until Naomi nods and is led blindly into the night, hoping more than ever that Katie can keep a hold of her through this. Because, really, it’s not going away.

****

That night when they have some almost-rough drunken sex (Katie’s always a little more forceful when she’s hammered) Naomi tries not to imagine Emily’s lips against her cheek as she comes around Katie’s fingers.

She’s nearly crying by the time it’s over, because it’s all just too much, and when Katie realises she presses soft kisses to Naomi’s face that cover the one that Emily left and it feels to Naomi like she’s clean again.

“Hey,” Katie whispers, their bodies still tangled together and hair dropping over her shoulders to tickle Naomi’s. “I love you, yeah?”

Naomi swallows and nods, biting back the tears until she’s sure they won’t fall. “Yeah, I love you too.”

She can’t help that she’s failed, though, and only gives into them once Katie’s sound asleep and curled over on her side.

Naomi does love her, she knows it, she’s been saying it for months now. She just wonders when she’s gotten so good at believing her own lies.

****

As per their usual routine, the Fitches fuck off to Scotland for Christmas leaving Naomi to spend some time with her own mum.

She doesn’t tell Katie that it’s actually a relief, to have some time to herself, but it’s just what she needed really. To relax for a bit, without either of them around to confuse her.

She goes out for a drink with Cook one time, which Katie finds hilarious and Naomi does a bit, too, and he’s a lot nicer when it’s just the two of them.

He asks a few questions about Katie that Naomi tries not to smile at and then answers despite herself. Of course, he thinks it’s brilliant, and says it’s a shame because they’re both rather shaggable, which Naomi takes as a compliment.

It’s not so fine when he remarks about Emily, though, and says he’s glad at least one of them’s straight and asks if she’d be up for it.

“I doubt it, Cook,” Naomi bristles, trying to disguise it by drinking some of her pint. “I think Emily’s waiting for someone special. You know, the one or something.” She doesn’t know if it’s true but it sounds like it might be enough to keep Cook from trying anything.

“Well, I think she might have found that, mate,” Cook says with a wink.

Naomi feels herself start to panic, wondering if between shagging his brains out Effy’s said something to Cook, and she wonders if she’s gone white. Because, really, even if they did kiss just once, her and Emily, it doesn’t mean that Emily wants more. It doesn’t mean she…

“All right, there? I just meant JJ, yeah?” Cook says, grin gone from his face. “What, don’t you like him? He’s top notch, our Jay. You don’t think Ems will have an issue with his lack of pubical hair, do you? I can vouch for his cock, though, right. Not as good as mine, though, obviously.” He grins and downs his pint, letting out a great burp before heading to the bar again.

Fucking JJ, Naomi thinks. Of course.

And, she realises later, that even without them around she’s never really without them.

There’s got to be a way of sorting this out, she knows it. She just doesn’t know what that is.

****

New Year passes with another party and, despite being adamant at the start of college that she was there to learn, Naomi’s finding she’s attending a shit load more social events than she’d envisioned but that’s really down to Katie.

They get smashed and snog under mistletoe and Naomi puts all of her energy and focus into Katie.

It’s got nothing to do with the way Emily’s been leaning against JJ all night that makes Naomi suggest they slip home early, rubbing her fingers across Katie’s knickers to emphasise her point.

“Just me and you, yeah?” Naomi says, nibbling on Katie’s earlobe, around the earring that’s dangling from it, slipping her finger just inside to where Katie’s already wet and waiting.

“Yeah, like, now,” Katie says, pulling at Naomi’s hair.

Naomi nods, takes her hand away, makes a show of licking it in front of Katie’s face, and then turns away to lead them out with Katie groaning behind her.

She waves at Emily on her way out who waves back but with zero enthusiasm, like she’s disappointed Naomi’s leaving. But she can’t be like that - they’ve barely spoken in months, now. They’re not friends. They don’t even know each other, so she can just fuck off if she thinks she can guilt Naomi into caring just by looking at her like that.

They’re going to get through this, she and Katie, and Emily can just be someone she used to know, someone that is just her girlfriend’s sister. Just another person who let Naomi down. Just another name for the list.

****

The idea of a pajama party at Panda’s house fills Naomi with a certain amount of fear that she’s never encountered before.

Yeah, she’s stayed at peoples’ houses, but not since she was about ten and she’s seventeen now and the only person who sees her at bedtime is her girlfriend who frequently sees more than she’s ever let anyone else see.

And Panda’s still sort of… weird. Even though Naomi feels a bit bad for saying it, she just doesn’t get her, and she’s not even sure why she’s been invited.

“Look, babes,” Katie’s saying as she packs both of their bags. “It’ll be fun. I’ve got something that’ll make it a little easier.”

“Oh?” Naomi skips yet another song on iTunes, her ability to focus fading the more she tries to settle it. “Such as?”

“You’ll see,” Katie says with a wink.

“Fair enough. I’ll look forward to being disappointed,” Naomi fake-sighs and receives a light kick to her side for her troubles.

“Babes,” Katie’s saying as she looks up. “Have I ever let you down before?”

Naomi twists her lips together and pinches Katie’s ankle. “Well, I didn’t want to tell you, but I had to fake it last night. Actually, I’ve had to fake it every time. You’re actually shit in bed, sweetheart. I only keep you around for your sense of humour.”

Katie shrieks, kneels and bundles Naomi to the ground.

“Fucking lying bitch!” she says with a grin as she pins Naomi’s arms to the floor.

“But, you know, there’s still time to make up for it,” she waggles her eyebrows as Katie shakes her head.

“You fucking wish, babes. You’re not getting any now, or later, or probably ever again.”

“Really? I find that hard to believe.” Naomi raises a knee so it’s lightly rubbing against Katie’s cunt and her eyes flutter shut and she gasps a little. “Yeah…” Naomi mutters as Katie presses down onto her leg.

“Fuck, Naoms, we might be late…”

“I honestly don’t give a fuck,” Naomi says, reaching up for a kiss.

“Mmm, no, no no,” Katie says decisively, pushing upwards away from Naomi’s lips. “Panda feels like shit because Thomas got deported, remember? We’re going to help our friends.”

“Ugh, fine. Colour me disappointed - again,” she sighs dramatically and, before she’s aware of it, Katie’s pulled her up by her t-shirt into a kiss that is completely filthy and leaves Naomi panting while Katie just looks cool and calmly stands up.

“I guess I’ll have to make it up to you later then,” she grins, Naomi still a little dazed on the floor by her bed.

It takes her a moment, but Naomi manages to get herself together, pushing up on her elbows, her knickers feeling far too tight suddenly.

She watches as Katie sorts out the rest of stuff for their bags, and she can’t help it - she fucking means it this time.

“Hey, Kates?”

“Mm,” Katie says, not turning around.

“I love you.”

Katie turns around, still holding a selection of t-shirts, and smiles softly. “Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, I know.”

****

It turns out that Katie’s surprise is a baggie full of MDMA that Naomi’s unsure of how Katie managed to afford but, fuck it - Panda’s house is a pink nightmare and she’s been forced to leave her booze outside so she can’t turn to alcohol to save her.

Other than that, Panda’s warned them that her mum might not get the fact that she and Katie, “like to fiddle with each others bits,” and that it might be best not to do any snogging in front of her.

So Naomi’s huffed out a, “Fine,” and has gone to smoke out the front because that is certainly the one thing she’s not going to be told not to do.

“That bad already, is it?” she hears when she’s seriously considering cracking open a can of cider and, when she looks up from where she’s sat on the wall, Emily’s smirking at her.

“Just a bit. Oh and you might want to hide that,” she says gesturing towards Emily’s bottle of vodka with fag in hand. “Mrs. Moon isn’t that keen on drinking. Or boys. Or girls that kiss girls, apparently.”

“Christ, what the fuck are we even doing here?” Emily shudders, glancing at the house, and Naomi wonders which of those things Emily’s most put out about.

“Dunno.” Naomi holds out her cigarette for Emily who takes it as she joins her on the wall. “But Katie’s spiking some chocolate brownies with MDMA as we speak.”

“What?” Emily splutters, choking on smoke. “What the fuck is she doing that for?”

“Lighten up, Ems. It’ll be necessary, trust me.”

“Naomi,” Emily says, voice so low Naomi has to work not to make her shiver visible. “Is that really a good idea?”

Naomi gets what her problem is, then. And they haven’t talked about it for months, not since it happened, and Naomi had been trying really fucking hard to pretend it never happened but, just like that, it’s real again.

She has to keep up the pretence, though, and aims to make a joke out of it before they both crumble.

“Don’t worry, Ems. There’s no champagne so I’m sure we’ll be fine.”

Emily stares at her for a moment like she’s gone mad but then smiles, and Naomi wants to lean into her just at the sight of it.

“Fine,” she sighs. “You were rubbish anyway, so I’m sure I’ll manage.”

It’s not supposed to be a joke, any of it, but it’s got to be. At least for now. At least between them.

****

Whilst dancing to Bon Jovi in Panda’s room, and despite being dressed in the most ridiculous thing ever (which Katie scoffs at when Naomi says it), Naomi decides that brownies are just about the best thing in the world ever.

She knows the no lezza activities rule but it doesn’t stop her from rubbing herself up against Katie as they feed each other bits of brownie, and even Emily’s loosened up a bit and is dancing around all of them.

Effy seems a little more strange than usual, if that’s even possible, and isn’t focused on anything particular, other than getting fucked up by the looks of it.

Mrs. Moon has unwittingly got totally stoned and, before long, she’s passing out and Panda’s running to the loo, followed by Katie and Effy, leaving her and Emily to carry Panda’s mum to her room.

“Christ, that’s a bit fucked up,” Emily mutters as they make their way downstairs to the lounge, followed by Katie shouting at Naomi to get some wine.

She’s about to protest when she remembers that Mrs. Moon can hardly have a problem with it now she’s totally out of it, and leaves Emily in the lounge while she gets it.

Emily’s giggling when Naomi comes back to her, and then she’s giggling too even though she has no idea why. And Emily looks lovely, just lovely, even though she’s wearing silly amounts of pink and is blinking a lot.

“So, Ems, what do you want?”

Emily grins and steps forward, biting her lip, and weighs up her options. She can’t decide by the looks of it, and looks back up Naomi shaking her head.

Her smile drops from her face, then, and Naomi bites her lip.

“Emily,” Naomi manages as Emily leans a little closer, and her heart rate increases rapidly. They’re not supposed to be this close, not even slightly, and Naomi’s still clutching the bottle of wine and cans to her chest like they’re what’s going to fucking save her now.

“I want…” Emily starts, and Naomi’s eyes flicker down to her lips as she licks them and, God, why is she leaning into her? Why is Emily so close Naomi can smell the chocolate on her breath? Why does she want to taste it - taste her - again?

They’re almost there, and the world seems to move in slow motion, and just as Naomi closes her eyes they hear a thudding down the stairs and the pull away from each other so fast Naomi almost loses her balance.

“Ah, there you are,” Katie says, frown creeping across her face and for a second Naomi thinks that she saw them. “Fucking everyone’s crying upstairs. Silly bastards.”

Naomi can’t quite recover quickly enough and Katie squints at her, and then at Emily who’s looking away from them and biting her nails.

“Jesus, not you two, too,” Katie sighs, and takes the wine from Naomi. “Look, I didn’t spend all that money to end up having a shit night, okay?”

She nods at Naomi who concedes and nods back.

“Good, right - let’s go on the bouncy castle. Coming Ems?”

“Um,” Emily starts, and looks at Naomi who has to look away. “Not yet. In a minute, yeah?”

Katie shrugs, “Suit yourself,” and then to Naomi, “Come on, babes.” She winks and pulls Naomi along.

She wants to look back at Emily, to check she’s okay, but she thinks that she’s probably not, and Katie’s got her now so she really can’t.

It wasn’t meant to happen again, or even nearly happen, and it takes Naomi a while to shake it away as she joins Katie for a bounce and ends up spilling wine all down her top.

She laughs then because she just has to, and Katie rolls her eyes and nicks the bottle back, taking a swig before screwing the top back on before chucking it onto the grass.

“Come on,” Katie says, and reaches for Naomi’s hands.

She has to take them, even though she feels like it was worse this time.

Worse because, clearly, Emily wanted to kiss her.

And it’s all so horribly clear, even through the haze of the drugs and the wine and Katie giggling and falling and getting back up again.

Emily’s always wanted to kiss her.

She’s got about two seconds to get off the plastic before she chucks up all over the grass.

Katie mutters, “Christ,” from somewhere behind her and is by her side quickly, brushing hair out of her face. “Maybe the bouncy castle wasn’t the best idea ever, yeah?”

Naomi groans because, somehow, Katie thinks this is her fault, and she’s the one who’s rubbing Naomi’s back and saying that it’s okay and they’ll go home in a minute.

She’s honestly not sure that she’ll be able to get far without throwing up again, and it’s so much worse because Katie’s being so lovely, and she never thought that Katie being a good person would ever make her stomach twist so unpleasantly.

She really needs to not see Emily for a while, not after this. Not when she knows that, really, if she’s honest, she wanted Emily to kiss her too.

It’s the one thing she can’t want. But, if it’s both of them in it, both of them wanting, Naomi knows she doesn’t have a fucking clue how to stop it.

Chapter Seven