Fic: Stasis - Katie/Effy
Title: Stasis
Pairing: Katie/Effy
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 6000
A/N: Set after series 4. My first Keffy! Phew! Big thanks to immortality as ever. And this is pretty much for prunesquallormd because I always promised him I'd write a Keffy fic :)
It was sort of inevitable that Effy had ended up back here. Although for a few minutes after they'd all found out about Freddie Katie had stared at Effy, waiting for her to break, but all she did was stare at nothing as Cook wrung his hands and cried and said he was sorry.
In those few minutes Katie thought Effy was destined for far darker places, like some sort of padded cell with no sharp objects, and that was what kicked off her own tears. Like the thought of a dead Freddie meant a broken Effy and everything they'd been doing over the last few months would have stood for nothing.
But then Effy had started to shake and the hysteria kicked in and, okay, that Katie could deal with. Strong bursts of emotion were her forte, whichever form they took, and it was so much easier to stop her own tears when she was holding onto Effy's arms as she started to thrash about wildly. Katie held her down and then held her close, letting Effy's body do what it had to.
Katie was always the strong one. And she's been getting stronger. Daily. Even if her strength comes from watching Effy while sat in this chair, going to her when she wakes up from a nightmare, bringing her tea in the morning that she doesn't drink, and listening while she still says nothing.
****
The nurses don't seem to mind Katie being there, for some reason, and it's certainly preferable to be around Effy who can't seem to say anything as opposed to the lesbians who won't. Like Katie's some sort of delicate fucking flower who can't bear to hear Freddie's name (who she had once liked) or Effy's name (who she had once hated) just in case it set her off. Premature meno-fucking-pause or not, she's at least able to handle a conversation.
It proper does her head in though when she comes downstairs from the spare room (that still doesn't really feel like hers) to an abrupt silence.
Rolling her eyes and striding over to the cupboard, Katie pulls out some cereal and chooses to ignore them both until Emily says.
"What you up to today?"
"Dunno," Katie manages, not turning around. "Why?"
"What?" Emily asks, sounding affronted. "Can't I ask you a question now?"
"Fuck's sake, Ems, why don't you -" she's cut off by Naomi as she turns around, though, and can't shake the scowl from her face.
"Katie, look. We're just... we're worried about you, okay? You seem to spend a lot of time at the hospital, and it can't be good for you."
"Oh, thanks Naomi. That's well nice of you to start giving a shit about me now." Katie crosses her arms and watches as Naomi recoils (far less snooty now than she was before, Katie reckons, but then everyone's a bit different now, aren't they?). "I don't seem to remember you spending much time with Effy recently. Bit fucking busy, aren't you, making up for lost time?"
"Ugh," Naomi shakes her head, and Katie feels instantly guilty for mentioning that again when everyone's trying to get past it. "Whatever, Katie. Tell Effy I said hi - if she's even listening."
"Naomi..." Emily says quietly and Katie can't be bothered to eat anything anymore.
It's always like this now, she thinks. It's why she doesn't stick around.
****
She's always got a big smile for the nurse at the reception desk - Marilyn - because it's easier to get in that way. Katie knows that she's not supposed to stay as long as she does (especially overnight) but if she's there then it means less work for the nurses so everyone's happy really.
(Everyone except Effy. Obviously.)
"Morning, Marilyn. How are you?" Katie asks, beaming, as she sets a plastic container of flapjacks down on the desk.
"Ooh, all the better for seeing you, my lover. 'ere, Fiona - Katie's brought flappers."
"Ooh!" Katie hears as Fiona pops her head around the door to the office. "You're a darlin', int you?"
"You know me," Katie says with a big fake smile that she's mastered over the years, though she's finding less and less use for it these days. "All right to go through?"
"Oh yeah, course love." Marilyn doesn't look up as she pries open the container with one hand, using the other to flap aimlessly in the direction of Effy's room, like Katie hadn't been there dozens of times before. "Let us know if she says anything, like."
"Course," Katie calls over her shoulder, already halfway down the corridor. Not that it matters if she agrees to that request. Chances are pretty fucking slim, and probably getting slimmer, she reckons.
****
The starkness of the room never fails to unsettle Katie, as does the way Effy's sat at the window, staring out at the grass, unflinching as Katie offers a bright yet cautious, "Hi Eff."
Nothing. Same as usual. Nothing.
"Cool, well. I've brought... Heat and Take A Break. This one's got a free pen." Katie chucks them onto the bed, the slap of them hitting each other one the way down reverberating around the room.
Katie stands for another long moment, watching Effy watch nothing, and then puffs out a big sigh.
Taking her usual place in the chair by Effy's bed, Katie delves into her bag for her notebook.
Glancing at yesterday's list she can see that she's only crossed off one thing from it: Wash hair. The rest of things, like 'Check jobs site' and 'Ring Mum' remain unchecked, so she starts a new list with today's date and adds them to it.
Katie's gotten good at starting over. She's adapting, and the only way she can keep going is if she can try and make tomorrow a little different. Yet something inside her wants to keep everything the same because if Effy's stuck like this how can she move on, really?
The world will keep spinning, Katie thinks, even if Effy's standing still. So it's only fair if someone stands still with her.
****
She comes most days, even when the weather's shit and it means that there'll be more people on the bus. She's borrowed Emily's spare set of headphones in order to drown out the sound of old women chatting about the state of the government and all that bollocks and chavs talking about their boyfriends (which Katie just does not want to fucking listen to, cheers) and watches Bristol go about its business.
It's interesting, really, watching all these people who are just sort of normal. They're on their lunch breaks or they're still at college and they know absolutely nothing about rocks and love balls and suicidal lesbians and homicidal therapists. And best mates in hospital beds and parents in caravans.
And a boy who didn't deserve what happened to him but seemed to leave a hole in all of them. Even though he was a bit of a dappy twat at times.
Those times, when Katie lets it all creep in, she has to look away and study her nails and remind herself of a time when they were the most important thing to her. Them and her cleavage and her hair and her bling and... and it all still matters, all of it. Just not as much. Not when Effy's not so much as looked at make-up for a month and half.
She lets Katie brush her hair every day, though. And Katie's told herself it's just because she knows that deep down somewhere Effy still cares about her appearance but really it's because it's unsettling to Katie, to see something so beautiful begin to waste away.
So Katie does her nails, too, as Effy stares at the bed, down at a spot where there's nothing, and one time she finds herself laughing at the memory of Panda telling them all about how she'd gone to about fifteen minutes of her first Hair and Beauty class before legging it.
But then she remembers that, actually, Panda's gone now. Gone with Thomas who, for some fucked up reason, noticed Katie but then chose someone else. She snorts then and blows the filings off the bed. She didn't even really like Thomas - it had just been so long since someone had looked at her, had bothered to even listen, that she felt like she could matter.
She knows it's all balls now, though, because Thomas has Pandora, and Emily has Naomi and all Katie has is Effy who won't even so much as acknowledge her presence and Katie wonders when she stopped needing the attention and sighs when she realises that hanging around with someone who's basically catatonic is what she'd rather be doing.
Effy doesn't notice her. Katie's not really expecting her too. Not really.
****
It's a surprise - no, definitely more than that - one night when she wakes up to the sound of something.
At first Katie considers panicking but it's just Effy, having a nightmare or something. And, like, whimpering. She stays still, considering whether to get out of her chair to calm her down, or wake her up maybe, like she used to do with Ems when they were little, but then she hears something else.
There's a rustling, like some sort of movement, beneath the sheets, and Katie freezes. Her ears are tuned to it now, though, and she can't unhear it. It gets worse when there's the sound of something slick, something wet, and Katie bites down on her lip to stop from gasping in shock. Or squealing. Or something that lets on that she's awake and listening to Effy...
Another whimper escapes Effy's throat as the sound of movement increases, and Katie's eyes are adjusting to the dark, and it's totally not her fault that she can see Effy with her head tipped back and a hand moving under her t-shirt.
It's a horrible moment when Katie feels something between her legs, something twitching in her knickers, and, no she tells herself. Just no, because she is not getting turned on by this. She's not letting it happen.
So she squeezes her eyes shut, keeping as still as possible as she tries to block out the sounds. She reckons she's woken up sort of near the end of this, anyway, so it's just a matter of waiting it out.
Katie pretends not to hear Effy come, to not know what the sound is of someone stopping breathing as their limbs tense, to not know what it means when the breathing resumes in short, sharp pants. And she pretends to be asleep when the tears start quietly from across the way. If she gets up now then Effy will know that Katie heard and she just... If it makes her a shit friend then it does but she can't go to her now. Not after this. Not when she's feeling like...
****
She leaves while Effy's still sleeping, ignoring how her hair is probably all fucked up from a terrible night, and goes straight home to shower.
On the way out of the ward Marilyn had nodded to Katie and she'd briefly considered letting Marilyn know that there'd been a sign of Effy not being quite as catatonic as they'd thought but then the idea of explaining what she'd heard made Katie feel woozy so she'd walked away faster than usual and hoped that no one stopped her as she went.
****
The fact that she doesn't go back to see Effy for a week does not go unnoticed by her housemates and the only reason Katie does go back is because they're actually fucking pleased about it.
"It's nice," Emily says from the other end of the couch, laptop balanced on her thighs. "I think that you've been a good friend to her, Katie, but you've got to move on, haven't you?"
Katie doesn't know why her jaw clenches but Emily being all happy and shit again is just making her more and more fucking irritating. And there are times when Katie knows it's because of her condition so she swallows it all back down. But then there are others when Katie knows Emily's being a condescending bastard so she can't help but spit back.
"Emily, for Christ's sake," she says, turning in her seat and noticing as Emily's eyes widen in surprise. "Move on? How the fuck am I supposed to move on when she's stuck there like that? You're all right, you know. You've got Naomi and a house and a fucking holiday planned but not all of us are as lucky as you."
Emily's brow knits together then and Katie knows she's started another fucking argument. Perfect.
"Oh, that's fucking nice, Katie. Lucky? Do you have any idea what we went through to get where we are. God, we nearly fucking lost each other and you..." Emily sniffs as she starts to cry, and it gets Katie in that place where it usually does, right in her chest. "Fucking... sort yourself out, Katie. Because, you can't just... oh fuck it." Emily stands up, properly, crying now, and dumps her laptop on the couch as she storms out of the room, right past a confused and just-returned-home Naomi.
Katie watches as Naomi looks after Emily as she legs it upstairs before she turns back to the living room.
"Nice one, Katie. Getting a bit repetitive, this."
And then Naomi's dumping her stuff on the floor in the hallway and running up to where Emily's just slammed their bedroom door.
For want of anything actually fucking useful to say Katie only grunts loudly and then collects her bag.
"Fuck them, then," she says under her breath on the way to the bus stop, and feels a little better for doing so.
****
Marilyn blinks in surprise when Katie shows up at the desk.
"Well, hello stranger! Thought you'd given up on Elizabeth. Reckon she did too."
Katie's smile slips. "What do you mean?"
"Proper stopped moving, she did," Fiona offers from her pile of folded towels. "After two days and we were wondering where you were she just stopped even bothering getting out of bed. She's not in a great way now, my lover."
"Shit," Katie says, rubbing her temples. "I didn't think..."
"You can't stick around forever, Katie darling." Marilyn lays a hand on top of Katie's. "You've got to 'ave a life too, you know?"
Katie nods, letting the guilt seep in, and slides her hand out and away.
Again the mantra plays in her head as she walks along the corridor that's become all too familiar this year. How can she have a life when Effy can't? It just doesn't seem fair.
****
After a few more visits there's a bit more life back in Effy and Katie kicks herself for being so fucking selfish just because she got embarrassed. Of course Effy did things like that, it was totally natural. And she was grieving and that hurts so... you make yourself feel better. It's logical, really, Katie concludes as Effy blinks into the sunshine and it makes it seem as though there's still some sparkle left in her eyes.
It makes Katie smile, then, to see a glimmer of the old Effy. One who danced in a club with two glasses of wine, one in each hand, and a wink for Katie when she'd gotten hammered. Of course, they'd actually hated each other at that point, even though Katie was trying really fucking hard to be her friend. But that was the point, wasn't it? You try hard to make it seem like you're not trying at all. And she'd failed. Effy had known.
But Effy's no better than before - she's just plateaued again. Back into the first form of stasis. There but not really there.
Except Katie knows a little more now. She knows that Effy can hear her, and that she's aware of herself. She knows that she has needs, that she wants to fucking feel something, even if it hurts.
It gives Katie hope. It's why she can't stop going to see Effy. Not now.
****
The night that changes everything doesn't happen for a few weeks, right when Katie's put what happened before behind her and has settled back into the routine she shares with Effy.
It's a Saturday night, a fact which Katie refuses to acknowledge even when Naomi glares at her from across the kitchen table as she opens up a bottle of wine for her and Emily.
"Fuck you both. It's Saturday night for Effy too, yeah?" and she stares at them until they roll their eyes almost in unison and Katie feels like vomiting on the spot.
She's fucks off out just after that, slamming the front door for emphasis, and half wishes she'd nicked the bottle of wine to smuggle in to Effy's.
(And it's almost ridiculous that she refers to that dingy hospital room as going to Effy's but what the fuck else is she supposed to call it?)
No-one's surprised to see her there when she arrives (it's not her first weekend night there) and Katie saunters in like usual, tapping on Effy's door to announce her presence and attempts a greeting that, as expected, goes totally unanswered.
Effy's in bed already, turned over on her side, facing away from Katie. She's not asleep, which is obvious because she's not breathing all that deeply and Katie knows enough about Effy to know when she's sleeping. She's sat there on so many nights, in that chair, getting a pain in her back (that doesn't mean she's getting old, so just fuck off, yeah?) and trying to sleep.
She doesn't know if Effy ever sleeps peacefully but Katie hopes that she does. At least sometimes.
It was a hard day at the shop that she works at, though, and Katie finds it hard to keep focussed on what Cheryl Cole's wearing and who she's meant to be shagging and finds her eyes closing.
Yeah, she thinks. Yeah, okay. Why not.
****
It was already dark when Katie fell asleep so when she stirs and it's still dark she has no idea what the time is, but someone's been kind enough to shut the door to the room.
She stretches out, feeling something click somewhere, and it's only another second before there's a whimper coming from Effy's direction.
Katie stiffens, wondering if she's about to be subjected to something she really doesn't want to hear for a second time but it quickly becomes apparent that it's the sound of someone having a bad dream.
The whimpers are fearful, like the sounds someone would make if they were being backed into a corner and they couldn't get away.
Katie doesn't like it - it puts her out of her comfort zone.
She's thinking about calling in a nurse when she remembers, though, that this is what she's here for. To help Effy. To be there when she needs her.
Why else, honestly, would she keep coming?
So, moving slowly from her chair, brushing some stray strands of hair from eyes, she makes her way over to the bed.
"Hey, hey Eff. Ssh, it's okay," she whispers, reaching out to lay a hand on Effy's shoulder.
She's facing the window, and when Katie touches her she flinches and then gasps, pulling the blankets up to her chin.
"Shit, fuck," she says, and Katie almost smiles because it's the most Effy's said in months. But then she starts to shake and Katie wonders how bad that dream was.
Though to spend much time contemplating the inner thoughts of Effy Stonem is something that Katie refuses to do again.
She'd done it once before, after the anger subsided and Effy was still AWOL and all Katie had left to do was sit in her jammies and wonder how much trouble she'd get in if she set Emily's box of fannies on fire.
It had amused her, then, to think about something going up in flames, and it lead her to think of Effy who'd told her once, in a moment of ecstatic candour, that she used to like to set things on fire.
Katie had laughed at her and finished her line, tasting the coke as it hit the back of her throat and tonguing the roof of her mouth at it turned numb.
"Like, what? Seriously?" she'd asked and Effy had just hummed before blinking and turning to look at Freddie who was trying to balance his joint vertically on the end of his finger as JJ looked on in concern from the corner.
"Don't tell me you've never thought about it, Katie. Wanting to see something burn."
Her nod towards where Emily was sat grinning inanely at a drunken Naomi (who only ever paid her attention when that was the case) was only slight but Katie caught it.
"Fuck them," Katie had said, lolling her head to the side to where Effy was already looking at her. "They can go burn themselves."
Effy had barked with laughter, and then run a finger along Katie's knuckles and said she was going for a piss, leaving Katie sat there staring at the rest of them. All paired up in one way or another. All ready to start their own fires.
Katie had thought about that Effy then, the girl who hid too much, who hit and ran, who fucked Katie up and over, and she'd decided that if anyone needed to burn then it was Effy.
But she can't think that now, not when Effy's panting and sweaty and running from the fires that she's already started.
So Katie sits down, rubbing her thumb over Effy's shoulder until her breathing calms.
She thinks that Effy's fallen asleep again when she hears a broken sound that she recognises.
"Katie."
"Yeah, babes. I'm here."
There's a big expelling of breath and a swallow and then Effy's saying, "Get in."
Katie doesn't know why but she feels cold, suddenly. Like this is a really bad idea, and she wants to say no but before she gets the chance Effy's saying, "Please. I need you."
And the chair is well uncomfortable and it would only be the one time, so Katie acquiesces.
"Yeah. Yeah, okay then."
She strips out of her cardigan and lays it on the chair, keeping everything else on as she slides in beside Effy.
The first thing Katie's struck with as Effy pushes herself back into her, still shivering, is just how thin Effy is. She'd always thought that Naomi was skinny but when Katie's hugged her in the past she's always felt real, and whole. Not like Effy who really is just skin and bones right now.
She's not sure what to do, and is trying to keep to her 'side' if at all possible, but then Effy reaches behind her and pulls on one of Katie's arms, wrapping it around her and holding it up to her chin like a blanket.
It's a bit unsettling, holding her like this, and she starts to object but then Effy's saying, "Please, Katie," through what sounds like gritted teeth and Katie feels like she can't say no.
So she settles in, tries to get comfortable, holding a girl.
She's got her face in Effy's hair, and there really is a fuckload of it, so she nudges it to the side with her nose, accidentally brushing past the skin of Effy's neck in the process.
There's an intake of breath from Effy, and Katie freezes again. She's not supposed to be in this situation, where every tiny thing she does is important, like whether she stays or goes, it shouldn't matter to Effy. And it sure as shit shouldn't make Effy cling to her a bit harder or snuggle back into Katie a bit closer.
"You're warm," Effy says as she starts to run her hand up and down Katie's arm. "It's... it's nice."
"Yeah," Katie says, swallowing hard, not knowing at all what to do with herself. "You are a bit cold."
"Warm me up, then," Effy whispers, and moves Katie's hand over her breast, squeezing down on it as Katie gasps.
She tries to pull away but Effy's grip is too strong, too demanding. Needing too much. And Katie can't even begin to process how she can feel a nipple - an actual fucking girl's nipple - hardening beneath her palm.
"Eff, what the fuck are you -"
"Please, Katie. I need you, okay?"
"Effy, really," Katie manages, though with less force than last time. "This isn't what I -"
"Isn't it?" Effy murmurs, tilting her head so that Katie can see her jaw working in the moonlight. "So you're not lonely too? You don't come here, nearly every day, because you need me? I'm asking for something, Katie."
She's too relaxed by then, wondering why she's not as angry as she could be, and hates how she's letting Effy move their hands together as a tear rolls down her cheek.
"But this isn't... I don't think -"
"Don't think, Katie. Just feel," Effy says, and Katie lets her hand be guided down until it's on the skin of Effy's stomach (so fucking thin) and up and under her shirt until Katie's fingers are brushing the underside of Effy's breast.
She's never touched one before tonight, other than her own (and one time, totally by accident, when Emily was being a bitch about dinner and Katie had tried to gently push her out of the way and her hand ended up somewhere that turned both of their faces red but succeeded in getting Emily to fuck off so Katie could put more more salt in before their mum came back down), and Katie's all ready for it to feel totally weird and foreign and wrong.
So she squeezes her eyes shut tight, resisting the urge to pull her hand away now that Effy's loosened her grip a little, and really does question why she doesn't when she's being encouraged to move it further up, over the fleshy part, over the soft, smooth skin that's stretched and grown to become something that all the boys fight to get a look at, to cop a feel of, and Katie wonders what the big deal is, really.
(Though she's always flaunted hers, naturally. She just didn't really get the appeal from the other side.)
But then, actually, as she's got nothing else to focus on other than the feel of it, she's taken by surprise as her palm hits the bump of Effy's nipple again (though it's different when it's not through clothes) and she feels a twitch between her legs that she tries to ignore because this is not something that she should be actually enjoying.
She's doing Effy a favour, just like Emily did for JJ. It didn't make Emily straight, fucking him, and it doesn't make her gay by...
Katie can't finish the sentence in her brain because she's not even sure that girls can call it fucking (even though Emily insists that they completely fucking can, you twat) and she's even less sure that whatever it is is something she can go through with.
Factor in Effy's current mental state and it feels to Katie, suddenly, like she's taking advantage, which is laughable, really, because never even once before had she wanted this to happen.
Never.
While she's been thinking, though, she's begun to push down a little harder, helped by Effy, and it's made Effy tip her head back so that Katie's cheek is up against her neck and her lips are really close to the skin there.
She's not going to kiss it, though. Effy can fucking get bent if she thinks that Katie's going to actually do that because... because Katie just isn't all sweet and soft or whatever. Not even nearly, and she's certainly not going to be soft with Effy.
It's that thought that makes her squeeze Effy's breast a little too hard, which Effy seems to like because there's a quick, almost pained pant that comes from the back of her throat and she pushes her arse further into Katie's groin.
"Fuck, Katie. Harder," Effy whimpers, and Katie grits her teeth and complies (not that she has a choice with the way that Effy's digging her nails into Katie's hand now), squeezing Effy's left tit and releasing, squeezing and releasing, like so many boys have done to her in the past.
She knows that's not what feels good, like the amount of times she's thought, Fucking hell, go easy, but never actually said it is sort of ridiculous. She doesn't know why she didn't say it, she just couldn't.
But fuck Effy, because now is not the time for Katie to right any wrongs that were done to her because Effy is just fucking using her like she used all those boys before so she doesn't get to feel it in a good way. Or at least not in a nice way.
So Katie squeezes and pushes, and tries to ignore the way her breath is becoming a little laboured as she works, and wonders if she should stop this as Effy's arse presses into her crotch and her hand is suddenly on Katie's thigh, creeping up underneath her skirt.
Katie thinks about stopping her there but she's still not going anywhere too dangerous, too far to come back from, even though Effy's squeezing the back of Katie's thigh and pushing them together.
The moan, then, is a complete accident and Katie can't believe she's just done it, just made a noise of consent about all of this insanity, and it's wrong that Effy's whispering, "Yeah," and moving her hand up higher so it's actually on Katie's arse, fingers rubbing against her knickers.
"God, Katie..." is all Effy manages as she really starts to grind back into Katie but, for once, it appears that Effy's the more talkative of the two of them because Katie can't say anything - she doesn't trust her own voice.
Obviously, Effy takes it as a sign of approval and slides her fingers under the back of Katie's knickers (silk, naturally, with frills) so that she's touching Katie's skin, rubbing the flat of her hand over her and, fuck, it's so much different than any other time someone's grabbed her arse.
"Katie," Effy whispers and Katie swallows, not wanting to hear what's coming next. "Katie, I want you to touch me."
Katie releases a breath she didn't realise she was holding and shakes her head. "I am fucking touching you," she manages through gritted teeth, and squeezes Effy's nipple a little too hard for emphasis.
Effy arches her back as Katie does it, and the loss of Effy grinding against her cunt feeling surprisingly painful, even though it's only brief.
"No," Effy murmurs, turning her head towards Katie's as she moves her hand away from Katie's arse and comes up to cover her hand, once again. "No, I mean, touch me."
This is it, Katie thinks. The point of no return. She knows that now is the time to get out of there, to push Effy away and straighten herself out and leg it home for a shower and the last of the bottle of vodka she's kept stashed in the wardrobe. They can both pretend it never happened if she goes now, goes before her hand reaches where Effy wants it to be.
And, fuck, okay. She may as well be honest because it actually all feels really nice, the touching and the being touched, and she'd die on the spot if Emily ever knew what she'd just thought but there's no way that Emily's ever going to know about this. No one will.
It's what makes her decision for her, what keeps her in Effy's bed with her hand now leading itself into Effy's knickers as Effy spreads her legs.
Just between us. A secret. It's fucking time I had one, really, she thinks as she holds her breath and feels her way down, down past coarse hair until her finger finds something wet.
She does gasp, then, and Effy's nails (bitten as they are) scratch into the skin of Katie's arm - not forcing, now. Just reacting.
Katie's tentative, inquisitive at first, like someone's given her something new to eat, something they assure her is exciting and new and different. Exotic. And she's intrigued but nervous. She doesn't want it to be something that upsets her stomach, so she goes slow. But taste is really touch, and it's Katie's fingers doing the exploring instead of her palette, and what's she's feeling is soft, and warm, and really fucking wet.
She lets out a breath, long and slow and shuddering, as Effy does the same and it's a moment when Katie feels like they're connected. Like it's not some sort of quick, drunken fumble in the alley outside a club, or a sneaky fingering in the front of Danny's convertible on the way to college. They're friends, first and foremost, and that must mean something, Katie reckons. It's why she's chilled out a bit and stopped the half-violent squeezing. She's being soft. Gentle. Like she's always wanted it to be.
Reaching down further still, Katie dips two fingers into where it's even wetter and draws her fingers back up until she finds what she thinks is Effy's clit and she pushes down.
"Oh fuck, Katie," Effy breathes, and it's a bit of a shock that Effy's remembered that it's Katie who's there behind her, arm wrapped around her and fingers now rubbing against her.
It pulls Katie in, like Effy needs her. Not just someone; she needs Katie.
She falls into it, then, and takes a chance and goes with it, brushing her lips lightly against the skin of Effy's neck, even though she'd promised herself she wouldn't. And when Effy hums Katie does it again, and again, and again until she's kissing her way up and down Effy's neck as Effy moves her hand back around to Katie's thigh, sliding it up again until it's (probably a bit awkwardly) resting in between Katie's thighs from behind.
They're still pressed shut, though; Katie's not sure she wants to go there just yet, if at all. At the moment she's still got a bit of control, some loose grasp on the situation that she knows she won't have if Effy touches her there.
(Though she can't quite figure out if it's gayer to touch a girl or be touched by one. Maybe it's all equal if you admit to yourself that you're enjoying it and you're fucking gyrating against her arse, anyway.)
There are things Katie wants to say, like, "Is that okay?" or "Am I doing it right?" but she doesn't want Effy to know how much she's thinking about this or that she fucking cares about what she's doing. But, at the same time, she is just fucking well doing it so it may as well be fucking good.
She's still Katie, after all. Barren or not it doesn't fucking mean that she should stop being good at sex, even if it is with a girl.
So instead she says, "Yeah?" close to Effy's ear and Effy's panted affirmative response is good enough.
Katie takes it as a cue to go faster as well, pressing down harder onto Effy's clit, moving round in a circle like she does when she touches herself, and Effy's pushing into her hand and it feels like enough, like Katie's doing something.
The kisses against Effy's neck are hard, Katie knows, but she thinks it's working, thinks Effy wants it a tiny bit rough.
Her assumption is proven correct when Effy mutters, "Harder," and Katie pushes as much of her body as she can against Effy and squeezes Effy's clit a little harder between her fingers.
"Yeah? Like that?" Katie says and follows it by sucking on Effy's shoulder.
"Fuck, yes, Katie... I think... oh fuck."
And Katie thinks, This is it. This is what I'd never wanted to do, that I've always thought was wrong and gross and something that girls aren't supposed to do to each other. And I'm doing it. I'm doing it now. Effy's going to...
Effy's got her lips pressed together by the sounds of it but as her body starts to stiffen in Katie's arms she can hear the high-pitched sound in the back of Effy's throat, can feel it vibrating where her lips are still against her neck. And Katie keeps her hand moving; she knows this part well.
Even though it's not directly happening to her Katie feels like she can almost feel it herself, the ripples that seem to be running through Effy, and she closes her eyes and thinks about whether or not she should let Effy return the favour. If she still wants to.
But then Katie's thoughts are stunted as Effy breaks in one big jolt and turns her face away to bury it into the pillow where Katie can just about make out the sound of Effy crying out. And Katie doesn't stop, not until Effy's stopped shuddering, not until she's breathing back into the space of the room, back into the darkness that she's decided to share with Katie.
When Katie stops moving her hand and the room seems to still (other than Effy rubbing her feet against Katie's and the deep heaving of her chest) it all becomes real again. It all floods in, the panic and the shame and the disgust Katie feels for having done this.
She wants to run, get out and just fucking run but she's frozen, her forehead leaning against Effy's neck, and she waits. Waits for something, but she doesn't know what.
When it turns out to be Effy pulling Katie's hand out of her knickers and bringing it up to her lips where she kisses, very slowly, each of Katie's fingertips Katie feels like crying. She swallows it down, though. She's meant to be the strong one here. The strong one always.
So she lets Effy pull both of their hands under Effy's chin, keeping her close.
She stays, and the beating in between her legs stills.
Part of her wishes, as she hears Effy's breathing even out, that Effy had turned around and kissed her and pushed her into the mattress and...
But no. No, she decides. This was enough.
It was enough, just to be needed.
****
In the morning, when the light's started to seep gently through the curtain, Katie wakes.
The memory hits her immediately, the thoughts of what she'd done. What they'd done.
She panics, just for a moment, but then looks down.
They'd moved in the night and Effy's ended up with her head on Katie's chest and their arms are wrapped around each other. Katie wants to pretend it doesn't feel as right as it does but she's got no choice.
She sighs, and squeezes Effy a little tighter, which accidentally wakes her up.
Effy hums and raises her head up and Katie holds her breath before their eyes meet.
There's a moment of confusion but then Effy's eyes relax, and then they smile.
They say enough and Katie smiles back and Effy relaxes into Katie's arms again.
"Stay," Effy whispers, reaching a hand up to stroke Katie's cheek.
Katie closes her eyes again and rests her chin on Effy's head.
She says nothing. Sometimes, she thinks, you just don't need words to say anything.
Pairing: Katie/Effy
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 6000
A/N: Set after series 4. My first Keffy! Phew! Big thanks to immortality as ever. And this is pretty much for prunesquallormd because I always promised him I'd write a Keffy fic :)
It was sort of inevitable that Effy had ended up back here. Although for a few minutes after they'd all found out about Freddie Katie had stared at Effy, waiting for her to break, but all she did was stare at nothing as Cook wrung his hands and cried and said he was sorry.
In those few minutes Katie thought Effy was destined for far darker places, like some sort of padded cell with no sharp objects, and that was what kicked off her own tears. Like the thought of a dead Freddie meant a broken Effy and everything they'd been doing over the last few months would have stood for nothing.
But then Effy had started to shake and the hysteria kicked in and, okay, that Katie could deal with. Strong bursts of emotion were her forte, whichever form they took, and it was so much easier to stop her own tears when she was holding onto Effy's arms as she started to thrash about wildly. Katie held her down and then held her close, letting Effy's body do what it had to.
Katie was always the strong one. And she's been getting stronger. Daily. Even if her strength comes from watching Effy while sat in this chair, going to her when she wakes up from a nightmare, bringing her tea in the morning that she doesn't drink, and listening while she still says nothing.
****
The nurses don't seem to mind Katie being there, for some reason, and it's certainly preferable to be around Effy who can't seem to say anything as opposed to the lesbians who won't. Like Katie's some sort of delicate fucking flower who can't bear to hear Freddie's name (who she had once liked) or Effy's name (who she had once hated) just in case it set her off. Premature meno-fucking-pause or not, she's at least able to handle a conversation.
It proper does her head in though when she comes downstairs from the spare room (that still doesn't really feel like hers) to an abrupt silence.
Rolling her eyes and striding over to the cupboard, Katie pulls out some cereal and chooses to ignore them both until Emily says.
"What you up to today?"
"Dunno," Katie manages, not turning around. "Why?"
"What?" Emily asks, sounding affronted. "Can't I ask you a question now?"
"Fuck's sake, Ems, why don't you -" she's cut off by Naomi as she turns around, though, and can't shake the scowl from her face.
"Katie, look. We're just... we're worried about you, okay? You seem to spend a lot of time at the hospital, and it can't be good for you."
"Oh, thanks Naomi. That's well nice of you to start giving a shit about me now." Katie crosses her arms and watches as Naomi recoils (far less snooty now than she was before, Katie reckons, but then everyone's a bit different now, aren't they?). "I don't seem to remember you spending much time with Effy recently. Bit fucking busy, aren't you, making up for lost time?"
"Ugh," Naomi shakes her head, and Katie feels instantly guilty for mentioning that again when everyone's trying to get past it. "Whatever, Katie. Tell Effy I said hi - if she's even listening."
"Naomi..." Emily says quietly and Katie can't be bothered to eat anything anymore.
It's always like this now, she thinks. It's why she doesn't stick around.
****
She's always got a big smile for the nurse at the reception desk - Marilyn - because it's easier to get in that way. Katie knows that she's not supposed to stay as long as she does (especially overnight) but if she's there then it means less work for the nurses so everyone's happy really.
(Everyone except Effy. Obviously.)
"Morning, Marilyn. How are you?" Katie asks, beaming, as she sets a plastic container of flapjacks down on the desk.
"Ooh, all the better for seeing you, my lover. 'ere, Fiona - Katie's brought flappers."
"Ooh!" Katie hears as Fiona pops her head around the door to the office. "You're a darlin', int you?"
"You know me," Katie says with a big fake smile that she's mastered over the years, though she's finding less and less use for it these days. "All right to go through?"
"Oh yeah, course love." Marilyn doesn't look up as she pries open the container with one hand, using the other to flap aimlessly in the direction of Effy's room, like Katie hadn't been there dozens of times before. "Let us know if she says anything, like."
"Course," Katie calls over her shoulder, already halfway down the corridor. Not that it matters if she agrees to that request. Chances are pretty fucking slim, and probably getting slimmer, she reckons.
****
The starkness of the room never fails to unsettle Katie, as does the way Effy's sat at the window, staring out at the grass, unflinching as Katie offers a bright yet cautious, "Hi Eff."
Nothing. Same as usual. Nothing.
"Cool, well. I've brought... Heat and Take A Break. This one's got a free pen." Katie chucks them onto the bed, the slap of them hitting each other one the way down reverberating around the room.
Katie stands for another long moment, watching Effy watch nothing, and then puffs out a big sigh.
Taking her usual place in the chair by Effy's bed, Katie delves into her bag for her notebook.
Glancing at yesterday's list she can see that she's only crossed off one thing from it: Wash hair. The rest of things, like 'Check jobs site' and 'Ring Mum' remain unchecked, so she starts a new list with today's date and adds them to it.
Katie's gotten good at starting over. She's adapting, and the only way she can keep going is if she can try and make tomorrow a little different. Yet something inside her wants to keep everything the same because if Effy's stuck like this how can she move on, really?
The world will keep spinning, Katie thinks, even if Effy's standing still. So it's only fair if someone stands still with her.
****
She comes most days, even when the weather's shit and it means that there'll be more people on the bus. She's borrowed Emily's spare set of headphones in order to drown out the sound of old women chatting about the state of the government and all that bollocks and chavs talking about their boyfriends (which Katie just does not want to fucking listen to, cheers) and watches Bristol go about its business.
It's interesting, really, watching all these people who are just sort of normal. They're on their lunch breaks or they're still at college and they know absolutely nothing about rocks and love balls and suicidal lesbians and homicidal therapists. And best mates in hospital beds and parents in caravans.
And a boy who didn't deserve what happened to him but seemed to leave a hole in all of them. Even though he was a bit of a dappy twat at times.
Those times, when Katie lets it all creep in, she has to look away and study her nails and remind herself of a time when they were the most important thing to her. Them and her cleavage and her hair and her bling and... and it all still matters, all of it. Just not as much. Not when Effy's not so much as looked at make-up for a month and half.
She lets Katie brush her hair every day, though. And Katie's told herself it's just because she knows that deep down somewhere Effy still cares about her appearance but really it's because it's unsettling to Katie, to see something so beautiful begin to waste away.
So Katie does her nails, too, as Effy stares at the bed, down at a spot where there's nothing, and one time she finds herself laughing at the memory of Panda telling them all about how she'd gone to about fifteen minutes of her first Hair and Beauty class before legging it.
But then she remembers that, actually, Panda's gone now. Gone with Thomas who, for some fucked up reason, noticed Katie but then chose someone else. She snorts then and blows the filings off the bed. She didn't even really like Thomas - it had just been so long since someone had looked at her, had bothered to even listen, that she felt like she could matter.
She knows it's all balls now, though, because Thomas has Pandora, and Emily has Naomi and all Katie has is Effy who won't even so much as acknowledge her presence and Katie wonders when she stopped needing the attention and sighs when she realises that hanging around with someone who's basically catatonic is what she'd rather be doing.
Effy doesn't notice her. Katie's not really expecting her too. Not really.
****
It's a surprise - no, definitely more than that - one night when she wakes up to the sound of something.
At first Katie considers panicking but it's just Effy, having a nightmare or something. And, like, whimpering. She stays still, considering whether to get out of her chair to calm her down, or wake her up maybe, like she used to do with Ems when they were little, but then she hears something else.
There's a rustling, like some sort of movement, beneath the sheets, and Katie freezes. Her ears are tuned to it now, though, and she can't unhear it. It gets worse when there's the sound of something slick, something wet, and Katie bites down on her lip to stop from gasping in shock. Or squealing. Or something that lets on that she's awake and listening to Effy...
Another whimper escapes Effy's throat as the sound of movement increases, and Katie's eyes are adjusting to the dark, and it's totally not her fault that she can see Effy with her head tipped back and a hand moving under her t-shirt.
It's a horrible moment when Katie feels something between her legs, something twitching in her knickers, and, no she tells herself. Just no, because she is not getting turned on by this. She's not letting it happen.
So she squeezes her eyes shut, keeping as still as possible as she tries to block out the sounds. She reckons she's woken up sort of near the end of this, anyway, so it's just a matter of waiting it out.
Katie pretends not to hear Effy come, to not know what the sound is of someone stopping breathing as their limbs tense, to not know what it means when the breathing resumes in short, sharp pants. And she pretends to be asleep when the tears start quietly from across the way. If she gets up now then Effy will know that Katie heard and she just... If it makes her a shit friend then it does but she can't go to her now. Not after this. Not when she's feeling like...
****
She leaves while Effy's still sleeping, ignoring how her hair is probably all fucked up from a terrible night, and goes straight home to shower.
On the way out of the ward Marilyn had nodded to Katie and she'd briefly considered letting Marilyn know that there'd been a sign of Effy not being quite as catatonic as they'd thought but then the idea of explaining what she'd heard made Katie feel woozy so she'd walked away faster than usual and hoped that no one stopped her as she went.
****
The fact that she doesn't go back to see Effy for a week does not go unnoticed by her housemates and the only reason Katie does go back is because they're actually fucking pleased about it.
"It's nice," Emily says from the other end of the couch, laptop balanced on her thighs. "I think that you've been a good friend to her, Katie, but you've got to move on, haven't you?"
Katie doesn't know why her jaw clenches but Emily being all happy and shit again is just making her more and more fucking irritating. And there are times when Katie knows it's because of her condition so she swallows it all back down. But then there are others when Katie knows Emily's being a condescending bastard so she can't help but spit back.
"Emily, for Christ's sake," she says, turning in her seat and noticing as Emily's eyes widen in surprise. "Move on? How the fuck am I supposed to move on when she's stuck there like that? You're all right, you know. You've got Naomi and a house and a fucking holiday planned but not all of us are as lucky as you."
Emily's brow knits together then and Katie knows she's started another fucking argument. Perfect.
"Oh, that's fucking nice, Katie. Lucky? Do you have any idea what we went through to get where we are. God, we nearly fucking lost each other and you..." Emily sniffs as she starts to cry, and it gets Katie in that place where it usually does, right in her chest. "Fucking... sort yourself out, Katie. Because, you can't just... oh fuck it." Emily stands up, properly, crying now, and dumps her laptop on the couch as she storms out of the room, right past a confused and just-returned-home Naomi.
Katie watches as Naomi looks after Emily as she legs it upstairs before she turns back to the living room.
"Nice one, Katie. Getting a bit repetitive, this."
And then Naomi's dumping her stuff on the floor in the hallway and running up to where Emily's just slammed their bedroom door.
For want of anything actually fucking useful to say Katie only grunts loudly and then collects her bag.
"Fuck them, then," she says under her breath on the way to the bus stop, and feels a little better for doing so.
****
Marilyn blinks in surprise when Katie shows up at the desk.
"Well, hello stranger! Thought you'd given up on Elizabeth. Reckon she did too."
Katie's smile slips. "What do you mean?"
"Proper stopped moving, she did," Fiona offers from her pile of folded towels. "After two days and we were wondering where you were she just stopped even bothering getting out of bed. She's not in a great way now, my lover."
"Shit," Katie says, rubbing her temples. "I didn't think..."
"You can't stick around forever, Katie darling." Marilyn lays a hand on top of Katie's. "You've got to 'ave a life too, you know?"
Katie nods, letting the guilt seep in, and slides her hand out and away.
Again the mantra plays in her head as she walks along the corridor that's become all too familiar this year. How can she have a life when Effy can't? It just doesn't seem fair.
****
After a few more visits there's a bit more life back in Effy and Katie kicks herself for being so fucking selfish just because she got embarrassed. Of course Effy did things like that, it was totally natural. And she was grieving and that hurts so... you make yourself feel better. It's logical, really, Katie concludes as Effy blinks into the sunshine and it makes it seem as though there's still some sparkle left in her eyes.
It makes Katie smile, then, to see a glimmer of the old Effy. One who danced in a club with two glasses of wine, one in each hand, and a wink for Katie when she'd gotten hammered. Of course, they'd actually hated each other at that point, even though Katie was trying really fucking hard to be her friend. But that was the point, wasn't it? You try hard to make it seem like you're not trying at all. And she'd failed. Effy had known.
But Effy's no better than before - she's just plateaued again. Back into the first form of stasis. There but not really there.
Except Katie knows a little more now. She knows that Effy can hear her, and that she's aware of herself. She knows that she has needs, that she wants to fucking feel something, even if it hurts.
It gives Katie hope. It's why she can't stop going to see Effy. Not now.
****
The night that changes everything doesn't happen for a few weeks, right when Katie's put what happened before behind her and has settled back into the routine she shares with Effy.
It's a Saturday night, a fact which Katie refuses to acknowledge even when Naomi glares at her from across the kitchen table as she opens up a bottle of wine for her and Emily.
"Fuck you both. It's Saturday night for Effy too, yeah?" and she stares at them until they roll their eyes almost in unison and Katie feels like vomiting on the spot.
She's fucks off out just after that, slamming the front door for emphasis, and half wishes she'd nicked the bottle of wine to smuggle in to Effy's.
(And it's almost ridiculous that she refers to that dingy hospital room as going to Effy's but what the fuck else is she supposed to call it?)
No-one's surprised to see her there when she arrives (it's not her first weekend night there) and Katie saunters in like usual, tapping on Effy's door to announce her presence and attempts a greeting that, as expected, goes totally unanswered.
Effy's in bed already, turned over on her side, facing away from Katie. She's not asleep, which is obvious because she's not breathing all that deeply and Katie knows enough about Effy to know when she's sleeping. She's sat there on so many nights, in that chair, getting a pain in her back (that doesn't mean she's getting old, so just fuck off, yeah?) and trying to sleep.
She doesn't know if Effy ever sleeps peacefully but Katie hopes that she does. At least sometimes.
It was a hard day at the shop that she works at, though, and Katie finds it hard to keep focussed on what Cheryl Cole's wearing and who she's meant to be shagging and finds her eyes closing.
Yeah, she thinks. Yeah, okay. Why not.
****
It was already dark when Katie fell asleep so when she stirs and it's still dark she has no idea what the time is, but someone's been kind enough to shut the door to the room.
She stretches out, feeling something click somewhere, and it's only another second before there's a whimper coming from Effy's direction.
Katie stiffens, wondering if she's about to be subjected to something she really doesn't want to hear for a second time but it quickly becomes apparent that it's the sound of someone having a bad dream.
The whimpers are fearful, like the sounds someone would make if they were being backed into a corner and they couldn't get away.
Katie doesn't like it - it puts her out of her comfort zone.
She's thinking about calling in a nurse when she remembers, though, that this is what she's here for. To help Effy. To be there when she needs her.
Why else, honestly, would she keep coming?
So, moving slowly from her chair, brushing some stray strands of hair from eyes, she makes her way over to the bed.
"Hey, hey Eff. Ssh, it's okay," she whispers, reaching out to lay a hand on Effy's shoulder.
She's facing the window, and when Katie touches her she flinches and then gasps, pulling the blankets up to her chin.
"Shit, fuck," she says, and Katie almost smiles because it's the most Effy's said in months. But then she starts to shake and Katie wonders how bad that dream was.
Though to spend much time contemplating the inner thoughts of Effy Stonem is something that Katie refuses to do again.
She'd done it once before, after the anger subsided and Effy was still AWOL and all Katie had left to do was sit in her jammies and wonder how much trouble she'd get in if she set Emily's box of fannies on fire.
It had amused her, then, to think about something going up in flames, and it lead her to think of Effy who'd told her once, in a moment of ecstatic candour, that she used to like to set things on fire.
Katie had laughed at her and finished her line, tasting the coke as it hit the back of her throat and tonguing the roof of her mouth at it turned numb.
"Like, what? Seriously?" she'd asked and Effy had just hummed before blinking and turning to look at Freddie who was trying to balance his joint vertically on the end of his finger as JJ looked on in concern from the corner.
"Don't tell me you've never thought about it, Katie. Wanting to see something burn."
Her nod towards where Emily was sat grinning inanely at a drunken Naomi (who only ever paid her attention when that was the case) was only slight but Katie caught it.
"Fuck them," Katie had said, lolling her head to the side to where Effy was already looking at her. "They can go burn themselves."
Effy had barked with laughter, and then run a finger along Katie's knuckles and said she was going for a piss, leaving Katie sat there staring at the rest of them. All paired up in one way or another. All ready to start their own fires.
Katie had thought about that Effy then, the girl who hid too much, who hit and ran, who fucked Katie up and over, and she'd decided that if anyone needed to burn then it was Effy.
But she can't think that now, not when Effy's panting and sweaty and running from the fires that she's already started.
So Katie sits down, rubbing her thumb over Effy's shoulder until her breathing calms.
She thinks that Effy's fallen asleep again when she hears a broken sound that she recognises.
"Katie."
"Yeah, babes. I'm here."
There's a big expelling of breath and a swallow and then Effy's saying, "Get in."
Katie doesn't know why but she feels cold, suddenly. Like this is a really bad idea, and she wants to say no but before she gets the chance Effy's saying, "Please. I need you."
And the chair is well uncomfortable and it would only be the one time, so Katie acquiesces.
"Yeah. Yeah, okay then."
She strips out of her cardigan and lays it on the chair, keeping everything else on as she slides in beside Effy.
The first thing Katie's struck with as Effy pushes herself back into her, still shivering, is just how thin Effy is. She'd always thought that Naomi was skinny but when Katie's hugged her in the past she's always felt real, and whole. Not like Effy who really is just skin and bones right now.
She's not sure what to do, and is trying to keep to her 'side' if at all possible, but then Effy reaches behind her and pulls on one of Katie's arms, wrapping it around her and holding it up to her chin like a blanket.
It's a bit unsettling, holding her like this, and she starts to object but then Effy's saying, "Please, Katie," through what sounds like gritted teeth and Katie feels like she can't say no.
So she settles in, tries to get comfortable, holding a girl.
She's got her face in Effy's hair, and there really is a fuckload of it, so she nudges it to the side with her nose, accidentally brushing past the skin of Effy's neck in the process.
There's an intake of breath from Effy, and Katie freezes again. She's not supposed to be in this situation, where every tiny thing she does is important, like whether she stays or goes, it shouldn't matter to Effy. And it sure as shit shouldn't make Effy cling to her a bit harder or snuggle back into Katie a bit closer.
"You're warm," Effy says as she starts to run her hand up and down Katie's arm. "It's... it's nice."
"Yeah," Katie says, swallowing hard, not knowing at all what to do with herself. "You are a bit cold."
"Warm me up, then," Effy whispers, and moves Katie's hand over her breast, squeezing down on it as Katie gasps.
She tries to pull away but Effy's grip is too strong, too demanding. Needing too much. And Katie can't even begin to process how she can feel a nipple - an actual fucking girl's nipple - hardening beneath her palm.
"Eff, what the fuck are you -"
"Please, Katie. I need you, okay?"
"Effy, really," Katie manages, though with less force than last time. "This isn't what I -"
"Isn't it?" Effy murmurs, tilting her head so that Katie can see her jaw working in the moonlight. "So you're not lonely too? You don't come here, nearly every day, because you need me? I'm asking for something, Katie."
She's too relaxed by then, wondering why she's not as angry as she could be, and hates how she's letting Effy move their hands together as a tear rolls down her cheek.
"But this isn't... I don't think -"
"Don't think, Katie. Just feel," Effy says, and Katie lets her hand be guided down until it's on the skin of Effy's stomach (so fucking thin) and up and under her shirt until Katie's fingers are brushing the underside of Effy's breast.
She's never touched one before tonight, other than her own (and one time, totally by accident, when Emily was being a bitch about dinner and Katie had tried to gently push her out of the way and her hand ended up somewhere that turned both of their faces red but succeeded in getting Emily to fuck off so Katie could put more more salt in before their mum came back down), and Katie's all ready for it to feel totally weird and foreign and wrong.
So she squeezes her eyes shut tight, resisting the urge to pull her hand away now that Effy's loosened her grip a little, and really does question why she doesn't when she's being encouraged to move it further up, over the fleshy part, over the soft, smooth skin that's stretched and grown to become something that all the boys fight to get a look at, to cop a feel of, and Katie wonders what the big deal is, really.
(Though she's always flaunted hers, naturally. She just didn't really get the appeal from the other side.)
But then, actually, as she's got nothing else to focus on other than the feel of it, she's taken by surprise as her palm hits the bump of Effy's nipple again (though it's different when it's not through clothes) and she feels a twitch between her legs that she tries to ignore because this is not something that she should be actually enjoying.
She's doing Effy a favour, just like Emily did for JJ. It didn't make Emily straight, fucking him, and it doesn't make her gay by...
Katie can't finish the sentence in her brain because she's not even sure that girls can call it fucking (even though Emily insists that they completely fucking can, you twat) and she's even less sure that whatever it is is something she can go through with.
Factor in Effy's current mental state and it feels to Katie, suddenly, like she's taking advantage, which is laughable, really, because never even once before had she wanted this to happen.
Never.
While she's been thinking, though, she's begun to push down a little harder, helped by Effy, and it's made Effy tip her head back so that Katie's cheek is up against her neck and her lips are really close to the skin there.
She's not going to kiss it, though. Effy can fucking get bent if she thinks that Katie's going to actually do that because... because Katie just isn't all sweet and soft or whatever. Not even nearly, and she's certainly not going to be soft with Effy.
It's that thought that makes her squeeze Effy's breast a little too hard, which Effy seems to like because there's a quick, almost pained pant that comes from the back of her throat and she pushes her arse further into Katie's groin.
"Fuck, Katie. Harder," Effy whimpers, and Katie grits her teeth and complies (not that she has a choice with the way that Effy's digging her nails into Katie's hand now), squeezing Effy's left tit and releasing, squeezing and releasing, like so many boys have done to her in the past.
She knows that's not what feels good, like the amount of times she's thought, Fucking hell, go easy, but never actually said it is sort of ridiculous. She doesn't know why she didn't say it, she just couldn't.
But fuck Effy, because now is not the time for Katie to right any wrongs that were done to her because Effy is just fucking using her like she used all those boys before so she doesn't get to feel it in a good way. Or at least not in a nice way.
So Katie squeezes and pushes, and tries to ignore the way her breath is becoming a little laboured as she works, and wonders if she should stop this as Effy's arse presses into her crotch and her hand is suddenly on Katie's thigh, creeping up underneath her skirt.
Katie thinks about stopping her there but she's still not going anywhere too dangerous, too far to come back from, even though Effy's squeezing the back of Katie's thigh and pushing them together.
The moan, then, is a complete accident and Katie can't believe she's just done it, just made a noise of consent about all of this insanity, and it's wrong that Effy's whispering, "Yeah," and moving her hand up higher so it's actually on Katie's arse, fingers rubbing against her knickers.
"God, Katie..." is all Effy manages as she really starts to grind back into Katie but, for once, it appears that Effy's the more talkative of the two of them because Katie can't say anything - she doesn't trust her own voice.
Obviously, Effy takes it as a sign of approval and slides her fingers under the back of Katie's knickers (silk, naturally, with frills) so that she's touching Katie's skin, rubbing the flat of her hand over her and, fuck, it's so much different than any other time someone's grabbed her arse.
"Katie," Effy whispers and Katie swallows, not wanting to hear what's coming next. "Katie, I want you to touch me."
Katie releases a breath she didn't realise she was holding and shakes her head. "I am fucking touching you," she manages through gritted teeth, and squeezes Effy's nipple a little too hard for emphasis.
Effy arches her back as Katie does it, and the loss of Effy grinding against her cunt feeling surprisingly painful, even though it's only brief.
"No," Effy murmurs, turning her head towards Katie's as she moves her hand away from Katie's arse and comes up to cover her hand, once again. "No, I mean, touch me."
This is it, Katie thinks. The point of no return. She knows that now is the time to get out of there, to push Effy away and straighten herself out and leg it home for a shower and the last of the bottle of vodka she's kept stashed in the wardrobe. They can both pretend it never happened if she goes now, goes before her hand reaches where Effy wants it to be.
And, fuck, okay. She may as well be honest because it actually all feels really nice, the touching and the being touched, and she'd die on the spot if Emily ever knew what she'd just thought but there's no way that Emily's ever going to know about this. No one will.
It's what makes her decision for her, what keeps her in Effy's bed with her hand now leading itself into Effy's knickers as Effy spreads her legs.
Just between us. A secret. It's fucking time I had one, really, she thinks as she holds her breath and feels her way down, down past coarse hair until her finger finds something wet.
She does gasp, then, and Effy's nails (bitten as they are) scratch into the skin of Katie's arm - not forcing, now. Just reacting.
Katie's tentative, inquisitive at first, like someone's given her something new to eat, something they assure her is exciting and new and different. Exotic. And she's intrigued but nervous. She doesn't want it to be something that upsets her stomach, so she goes slow. But taste is really touch, and it's Katie's fingers doing the exploring instead of her palette, and what's she's feeling is soft, and warm, and really fucking wet.
She lets out a breath, long and slow and shuddering, as Effy does the same and it's a moment when Katie feels like they're connected. Like it's not some sort of quick, drunken fumble in the alley outside a club, or a sneaky fingering in the front of Danny's convertible on the way to college. They're friends, first and foremost, and that must mean something, Katie reckons. It's why she's chilled out a bit and stopped the half-violent squeezing. She's being soft. Gentle. Like she's always wanted it to be.
Reaching down further still, Katie dips two fingers into where it's even wetter and draws her fingers back up until she finds what she thinks is Effy's clit and she pushes down.
"Oh fuck, Katie," Effy breathes, and it's a bit of a shock that Effy's remembered that it's Katie who's there behind her, arm wrapped around her and fingers now rubbing against her.
It pulls Katie in, like Effy needs her. Not just someone; she needs Katie.
She falls into it, then, and takes a chance and goes with it, brushing her lips lightly against the skin of Effy's neck, even though she'd promised herself she wouldn't. And when Effy hums Katie does it again, and again, and again until she's kissing her way up and down Effy's neck as Effy moves her hand back around to Katie's thigh, sliding it up again until it's (probably a bit awkwardly) resting in between Katie's thighs from behind.
They're still pressed shut, though; Katie's not sure she wants to go there just yet, if at all. At the moment she's still got a bit of control, some loose grasp on the situation that she knows she won't have if Effy touches her there.
(Though she can't quite figure out if it's gayer to touch a girl or be touched by one. Maybe it's all equal if you admit to yourself that you're enjoying it and you're fucking gyrating against her arse, anyway.)
There are things Katie wants to say, like, "Is that okay?" or "Am I doing it right?" but she doesn't want Effy to know how much she's thinking about this or that she fucking cares about what she's doing. But, at the same time, she is just fucking well doing it so it may as well be fucking good.
She's still Katie, after all. Barren or not it doesn't fucking mean that she should stop being good at sex, even if it is with a girl.
So instead she says, "Yeah?" close to Effy's ear and Effy's panted affirmative response is good enough.
Katie takes it as a cue to go faster as well, pressing down harder onto Effy's clit, moving round in a circle like she does when she touches herself, and Effy's pushing into her hand and it feels like enough, like Katie's doing something.
The kisses against Effy's neck are hard, Katie knows, but she thinks it's working, thinks Effy wants it a tiny bit rough.
Her assumption is proven correct when Effy mutters, "Harder," and Katie pushes as much of her body as she can against Effy and squeezes Effy's clit a little harder between her fingers.
"Yeah? Like that?" Katie says and follows it by sucking on Effy's shoulder.
"Fuck, yes, Katie... I think... oh fuck."
And Katie thinks, This is it. This is what I'd never wanted to do, that I've always thought was wrong and gross and something that girls aren't supposed to do to each other. And I'm doing it. I'm doing it now. Effy's going to...
Effy's got her lips pressed together by the sounds of it but as her body starts to stiffen in Katie's arms she can hear the high-pitched sound in the back of Effy's throat, can feel it vibrating where her lips are still against her neck. And Katie keeps her hand moving; she knows this part well.
Even though it's not directly happening to her Katie feels like she can almost feel it herself, the ripples that seem to be running through Effy, and she closes her eyes and thinks about whether or not she should let Effy return the favour. If she still wants to.
But then Katie's thoughts are stunted as Effy breaks in one big jolt and turns her face away to bury it into the pillow where Katie can just about make out the sound of Effy crying out. And Katie doesn't stop, not until Effy's stopped shuddering, not until she's breathing back into the space of the room, back into the darkness that she's decided to share with Katie.
When Katie stops moving her hand and the room seems to still (other than Effy rubbing her feet against Katie's and the deep heaving of her chest) it all becomes real again. It all floods in, the panic and the shame and the disgust Katie feels for having done this.
She wants to run, get out and just fucking run but she's frozen, her forehead leaning against Effy's neck, and she waits. Waits for something, but she doesn't know what.
When it turns out to be Effy pulling Katie's hand out of her knickers and bringing it up to her lips where she kisses, very slowly, each of Katie's fingertips Katie feels like crying. She swallows it down, though. She's meant to be the strong one here. The strong one always.
So she lets Effy pull both of their hands under Effy's chin, keeping her close.
She stays, and the beating in between her legs stills.
Part of her wishes, as she hears Effy's breathing even out, that Effy had turned around and kissed her and pushed her into the mattress and...
But no. No, she decides. This was enough.
It was enough, just to be needed.
****
In the morning, when the light's started to seep gently through the curtain, Katie wakes.
The memory hits her immediately, the thoughts of what she'd done. What they'd done.
She panics, just for a moment, but then looks down.
They'd moved in the night and Effy's ended up with her head on Katie's chest and their arms are wrapped around each other. Katie wants to pretend it doesn't feel as right as it does but she's got no choice.
She sighs, and squeezes Effy a little tighter, which accidentally wakes her up.
Effy hums and raises her head up and Katie holds her breath before their eyes meet.
There's a moment of confusion but then Effy's eyes relax, and then they smile.
They say enough and Katie smiles back and Effy relaxes into Katie's arms again.
"Stay," Effy whispers, reaching a hand up to stroke Katie's cheek.
Katie closes her eyes again and rests her chin on Effy's head.
She says nothing. Sometimes, she thinks, you just don't need words to say anything.