Bleugh
So had a wedding to go to on Saturday. Spent a bit of time getting ready, felt not so great when I left the house, and was worried people would say mean things. Had a cry in the car on the way to Em's thinking about it.
Got to Em's and they were like "oh i love your dress, you look pretty" blah blah, so felt a bit better.
We went to the wedding, and it was beautiful. It was at Japanese Zen Gardens in Auckland, and the setting was amazing, and it was beautiful all around. Made me think I might never get married, but tried not to dwell on it.
Had fun. Even managed to stay in my heels (wedges are way comfier than proper heels) for about 4 hours of the wedding - and then took them off for dinner and dancing. Every time I went to the bathroom, all I could see was from chest up so I was feeling ok.
I hung out and danced with the boys (including a Mike Chang equivalent - basically a hot asian who dances well, and he busted a few moves). But then realised Im the girl who is the friend. The one they were hanging out with, but would never imagine anything more with. So I drank more and more to enjoy myself and stuff. And then we dropped the others at their car before leaving. And said goodbye to the bride and groom, and used their bathroom haha. Fanciest room ever!!!! And I hugged everyone goodbye - and made the boys all give me like 3 hugs each or something. Boy hugs are the best. They are just nice and firm and warm. Hugs FTW.
And then I cried half of the way back thinking about how much I suck. God. I told Em and M that I hate myself, which I was avoiding doing with Em because she has so much on her plate right now, that I dont want to give her anything else to worry about. And then I crashed on their couch.
Woke up in the morning, feeling ok-ish. Had coke zero even though I knew I shouldve had water. Naughty. Tiny glass of it to wake me up a bit. And then the liver was like "no. I hate you too" and I had this crippling pain right where my liver lives, and it was awful. In tears I was. Somehow drove home, but could not sit comfortably at all. Got home, tried to go to bed, but again, no matter how I sat or lay down, it hurt. Tried putting ice on, to no avail. It was about 8.30 when I got home. I decided to watch tv, and try to relax, and about 11am I finally succeeded at throwing up, which luckily relieved some pressure and reduced the pain.
Ugh.
Beer is evil. Corona is better for you with lemon or lime Ive decided. And drinking in general just = bad things. And then I realised, that even though I dont drink that much, or that often, that all the shit food I eat will be putting undue stress on my liver too. I think I always just thought that alcohol and drugs were the things your liver didnt like, and so mine should be ok. But that is bollocks. And I am killing myself with food.....
Also, today, I saw a couple of photos from the wedding, and I look huge :( Especially compared to other people. And my dress was pretty, and flattering. But Im actually quite enormous and its depressing.
Last night I was all full of vigour about getting up early and going for a walk. When I woke up - its pissing with rain. Im sure that I have an exercise dvd or two somewhere, but I feel really yuck again this morning.
Why do I do this? I know what I need to do, and yet Im too lazy to do it. Perhaps I couldnt commit suicide because of Dad, and Diesel, but apparently I have no problem with slowly killing myself with inactivity and obesity......
What a long disjointed ramble.....
Got to Em's and they were like "oh i love your dress, you look pretty" blah blah, so felt a bit better.
We went to the wedding, and it was beautiful. It was at Japanese Zen Gardens in Auckland, and the setting was amazing, and it was beautiful all around. Made me think I might never get married, but tried not to dwell on it.
Had fun. Even managed to stay in my heels (wedges are way comfier than proper heels) for about 4 hours of the wedding - and then took them off for dinner and dancing. Every time I went to the bathroom, all I could see was from chest up so I was feeling ok.
I hung out and danced with the boys (including a Mike Chang equivalent - basically a hot asian who dances well, and he busted a few moves). But then realised Im the girl who is the friend. The one they were hanging out with, but would never imagine anything more with. So I drank more and more to enjoy myself and stuff. And then we dropped the others at their car before leaving. And said goodbye to the bride and groom, and used their bathroom haha. Fanciest room ever!!!! And I hugged everyone goodbye - and made the boys all give me like 3 hugs each or something. Boy hugs are the best. They are just nice and firm and warm. Hugs FTW.
And then I cried half of the way back thinking about how much I suck. God. I told Em and M that I hate myself, which I was avoiding doing with Em because she has so much on her plate right now, that I dont want to give her anything else to worry about. And then I crashed on their couch.
Woke up in the morning, feeling ok-ish. Had coke zero even though I knew I shouldve had water. Naughty. Tiny glass of it to wake me up a bit. And then the liver was like "no. I hate you too" and I had this crippling pain right where my liver lives, and it was awful. In tears I was. Somehow drove home, but could not sit comfortably at all. Got home, tried to go to bed, but again, no matter how I sat or lay down, it hurt. Tried putting ice on, to no avail. It was about 8.30 when I got home. I decided to watch tv, and try to relax, and about 11am I finally succeeded at throwing up, which luckily relieved some pressure and reduced the pain.
Ugh.
Beer is evil. Corona is better for you with lemon or lime Ive decided. And drinking in general just = bad things. And then I realised, that even though I dont drink that much, or that often, that all the shit food I eat will be putting undue stress on my liver too. I think I always just thought that alcohol and drugs were the things your liver didnt like, and so mine should be ok. But that is bollocks. And I am killing myself with food.....
Also, today, I saw a couple of photos from the wedding, and I look huge :( Especially compared to other people. And my dress was pretty, and flattering. But Im actually quite enormous and its depressing.
Last night I was all full of vigour about getting up early and going for a walk. When I woke up - its pissing with rain. Im sure that I have an exercise dvd or two somewhere, but I feel really yuck again this morning.
Why do I do this? I know what I need to do, and yet Im too lazy to do it. Perhaps I couldnt commit suicide because of Dad, and Diesel, but apparently I have no problem with slowly killing myself with inactivity and obesity......
What a long disjointed ramble.....