Mom! The meat loaf! Fuck! Holy long journal, by the way
I think I'm doing okay with all this dan stuff. Am I over him? Absolutely not. Can I go out in public and not start crying? Absolutely (thank god). Today was really good, actually. I talked about it to a girl at work. Granted the conversation basically went like this:
Girl at work: "So you recently had a breakup"
Me (tasting bile in thraot): "Yeah"
---moment of silence---
Girl at work: "That sucks"
Me (about to cry): "Eh"
Girl at work: "breakups are hard, but that's why you go out there and get yourself a new one"
Me (thinking, christ, isn't it obvious I don't want to talk about this): "Eh"
---copier stops---
---i smile curtly and walk away and say, "see ya later"---
But whatever, baby steps, right? Plus, I think about it and think, I really do want someone who is going to actually want me around and get me a flower - even if it's a single daisy from a greenbelt - it's not the thing, it's the thought (as cliche as that sounds).
So then today i called him (I know, big no-no) but I still care about him and care what is happening in his life, so i left a really simple message and I think I sounded fabulous - no sign of pain or anything in my voice - so strong...go me! So that was that.
then tonight I im'd him (yes, the same day i called) just to ask about the emails i keep forwarding to him for his father and for advice about some serious stress that only he can relate to (i'm not kidding). So that's genuinely all I wrote to him for - I didn't want to chat or anything...just two questions and boom. But no, it couldn't be that simple, could it? He then writes this long paragraph about how he's not cold hearted and he was only mean on the phone the other night because he doesn't let emotion show so instead of getting madder and yelling at me on the phone he just hung up. Honestly, how can you say that and expect someone to just be like, ok, bye?? So I was like wait, what the fuck is this about him holding in anger? Who broke who's heart here? Um, yeah, that's what I thought. So he immediately says he doesn't want to get into it, he just wants to set the record straight. So I said some crap about not thinking he was cold hearted, which, on some level is true, but honestly, my hurt is turning a bit to anger...how can you do this to someone? It's totally fucked up. Maybe I'm just naive or something, but something wierd happened with him. The last time I saw him I was all in tears because I said that I was worried he would wake up one day and just not love me anymore and he was all I don't see that happening yadda yadda...It's just such a fucking blow in so many ways.
I'm totally devastated. I'm not crying incessantly anymore, but I still think about being in bed with him, and going to dinner with him, and the first time we met, and the way he would hold my hand in the car, bla bla bla. I can't help it. I know it will get easier, I guess in the end, I just feel like I got shafted. We are/were so good for each other and all I got was 4 months? that sucks the biggest dork. Did I get used? Did he even care? I just don't feel like he did because he refuses to tell me one way or another. I guess I would just feel so much better if I knew that the reason we broke up wasn't because he stopped loving me, but that the distance thing was just too hard (he gave a whole spiel, which was actually understandable and reasonable).
I wonder if I had never said anything, if I would have gone down this week and re-kindled whatever or if he would have broken it off before that? I have no clue. It's so funny the direction life takes you sometimes. Because now I'm hanging out with anne again, which rocks, I got a motorcycle and license, which rocks, and I'm saving money, which also rocks. I just wish he were here with me or I there with him. It all boils down to fate...as much as it hurts, it is what it is...and as much as it pains me to say it, i guess we just weren't meant to be (ok, honestly, i'm still a little in denial about that).
I would say I don't know where to go from here, but I'm not helpless because of this...I'm very sensitive and therefore really really hurt and saddend by it, but i'll live and be stronger and wiser.
Girl at work: "So you recently had a breakup"
Me (tasting bile in thraot): "Yeah"
---moment of silence---
Girl at work: "That sucks"
Me (about to cry): "Eh"
Girl at work: "breakups are hard, but that's why you go out there and get yourself a new one"
Me (thinking, christ, isn't it obvious I don't want to talk about this): "Eh"
---copier stops---
---i smile curtly and walk away and say, "see ya later"---
But whatever, baby steps, right? Plus, I think about it and think, I really do want someone who is going to actually want me around and get me a flower - even if it's a single daisy from a greenbelt - it's not the thing, it's the thought (as cliche as that sounds).
So then today i called him (I know, big no-no) but I still care about him and care what is happening in his life, so i left a really simple message and I think I sounded fabulous - no sign of pain or anything in my voice - so strong...go me! So that was that.
then tonight I im'd him (yes, the same day i called) just to ask about the emails i keep forwarding to him for his father and for advice about some serious stress that only he can relate to (i'm not kidding). So that's genuinely all I wrote to him for - I didn't want to chat or anything...just two questions and boom. But no, it couldn't be that simple, could it? He then writes this long paragraph about how he's not cold hearted and he was only mean on the phone the other night because he doesn't let emotion show so instead of getting madder and yelling at me on the phone he just hung up. Honestly, how can you say that and expect someone to just be like, ok, bye?? So I was like wait, what the fuck is this about him holding in anger? Who broke who's heart here? Um, yeah, that's what I thought. So he immediately says he doesn't want to get into it, he just wants to set the record straight. So I said some crap about not thinking he was cold hearted, which, on some level is true, but honestly, my hurt is turning a bit to anger...how can you do this to someone? It's totally fucked up. Maybe I'm just naive or something, but something wierd happened with him. The last time I saw him I was all in tears because I said that I was worried he would wake up one day and just not love me anymore and he was all I don't see that happening yadda yadda...It's just such a fucking blow in so many ways.
I'm totally devastated. I'm not crying incessantly anymore, but I still think about being in bed with him, and going to dinner with him, and the first time we met, and the way he would hold my hand in the car, bla bla bla. I can't help it. I know it will get easier, I guess in the end, I just feel like I got shafted. We are/were so good for each other and all I got was 4 months? that sucks the biggest dork. Did I get used? Did he even care? I just don't feel like he did because he refuses to tell me one way or another. I guess I would just feel so much better if I knew that the reason we broke up wasn't because he stopped loving me, but that the distance thing was just too hard (he gave a whole spiel, which was actually understandable and reasonable).
I wonder if I had never said anything, if I would have gone down this week and re-kindled whatever or if he would have broken it off before that? I have no clue. It's so funny the direction life takes you sometimes. Because now I'm hanging out with anne again, which rocks, I got a motorcycle and license, which rocks, and I'm saving money, which also rocks. I just wish he were here with me or I there with him. It all boils down to fate...as much as it hurts, it is what it is...and as much as it pains me to say it, i guess we just weren't meant to be (ok, honestly, i'm still a little in denial about that).
I would say I don't know where to go from here, but I'm not helpless because of this...I'm very sensitive and therefore really really hurt and saddend by it, but i'll live and be stronger and wiser.