It's my journal and I'll whine if I want to
Where to begin?
I guess I will start with Dan. I wouldn't say I'm over him by any means, but I'm also not thinking I will never find anyone like him again and I'll never stop loving him yadda yadda yadda, so I guess that's good. I still miss him a lot, even though I think he's been pretty mean to me about many things since (and even before) we broke up. I guess the hard part isn't in finding someone new or even thinking I want to be with someone other than him, but the hard part is that so far, no one is as good as him in a lot of ways. He did a lot for me and I didn't realize it at the time. He was really good in bed; and I know that sounds wierd, but it's true. Not just with the whole pleasure thing, but he was really gentle, it really felt like he loved me every time we were together like that. He's really clean and neat. He's good with money. No one here seems to be any of those things. Of course I'm not going to feel loved in bed until I am in love with someone else, but I don't know...it's just hard, even though it's getting easier.
So in an attempt at moving on from Dan, I have been going out with my friend Julie. We went bar hopping on Tuesday and unfortunately, in the end, some things happened that I will never forget. I had taken an allergy medicine before I went out, but several hours before. Note to self: that doesn't mean alcohol won't interfere. After like 2 glasses of wine I was trashed. I mean, totally wasted. I'm not proud of it at all, heck I didn't even know, but I was with friends so it was alright. I met up with a lot of kids from high school (and I don't mean the high school I actually liked, I mean BHS) and I guess that should have been a flag...but again, wine + sudafed = bad. Anyway, I met up with this one kid who decided I wasn't wasted enough so he bought me more drinks. Big mistake. Anyway...long story short...2am and the bars closed. We were all just sort of hanging around at Bid Daddys and Julie was with this guy named Brian. I have no idea who he was and honestly, I don't really remember a lot about this part of the night. Anyway, we all left Big Daddys and I was freaking out about my car because I had parked in the parking lot of the bank and I obviously couldn't drive, but I didn't want to get towed in the morning. So Brian said he would drive my car to his place, which was right across from the police station, I could crash on his couch and leave when I had sobered up a little. He said his roommate wasn't home so I didn't have to worry about anyone messing with me while I was there. In retrospect, all of these things should have been serious flags, but at the time, it all sounded really really reasonable. So I did it. On the way back to his house, he said he had to stop at brooks and I was like, 'why so you can buy condoms' and I was totally kidding. He said yes and I started to get a little nervous. I didn't want to hook up with anyone, I just wanted to sober up and go home in my car. So I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him and he said he was just getting a drink and asked me if I wanted anything. I told him some water. When he came back, he had one water - the water for me, and that was it. If that's the only thing he bought, then why'd we stop? Originally he was stopping for himself, not for me. So we go back to his place and as soon as I hit the couch, I was out. He clearly was not. For many reasons I am going to choose to not go into detail here, but I'm sure you can imagine. I will just say that we didn't have sex (at least, my pants were on when I woke up). I woke up to a camera flash and he was taking pictures of me. I asked why and he said because it would be fun. I disagreed. He asked me to get up so he could pull out his couch, but I thought he was going to sleep in his room on his bed, and I was going to be on the couch alone. So then I got really uncomfortable (as if I weren't uncomfortable enough already) At this point i was honestly just really tired, but didn't feel drunk. I told him I was just going to leave and he tried to get me to stay, but I just left. I got in my car and locked the doors and it all hit me. I started crying and I was really scared, but I didn't want to go home. I have no idea why, I just didn't want to bother anyone. I went to the police station and told them everything. Brian was arrested that morning. There are a lot of details I'm leaving out of this, even though it totally doesn't seem like that's true.
I just don't know what's wrong with me. I was really upset that night and the next day, but now I just feel numb. I don't feel anything one way or another. I can joke about it with Julie and she knows that's wierd, but what can she do? I've already been to the police and I've already talked about it to a few people in detail. I just don't know what to do. I guess I can't really do anything. Of course I'm going to go see Michael again, but I just don't know if that's going to help at all. I don't know if this is just denial or what, but I think it's weird. To those of you reading whom I haven't told this to directly, I apologize. I told the story what feels like a million times and several of those times were very uncomfortable because the police were asking very detailed questions and I was being recorded so it would be an official statement. There's a big part of me that just doesn't want to talk about it...I want to forget it ever happened, but there's a rational part of me that says that's really unhealthy. I just don't know.
I'm such a trusting person, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I assume that there aren't people like that in the world, I assume that when people say they're going to do (or not do) something, they'll follow through. What's wrong with me? I know there are a lot of assholes in the world, why can't I see them when they're right in front of me? This is the part that's most upsetting to me, honestly, because when you believe that people are inherantly good and they prove you wrong, it's a blow. Like all the stuff that happened with Stephanie and Cory. I trusted them, I thought they were good people...then they really, really hurt me. I trusted that Brian understood that I wasn't going home with him because I wanted to fool around, but because of my situation with the alcohol and car...look what happened. I don't want to become cynical and stop trusting anyone and become a cold person, but at the same time, I don't want to sit around trusting everyone and continually getting really, seriously hurt both mentally and physically. Where's the middle ground? I just don't know if there is one. All this trust shit is so depressing to me. What's wrong with people?
Grasshopper
I have been spending a lot of time with Julie, like I said. I think it's been really good for me. We have been friends for so long, and unlike all the other people from that group, she has been the only one who has really stuck as a friend all these years. She's never really been pissed at me (I can think of one time) and I can't think of a time I was really mad at her. So it's been good.
I have also been spending time with Anthony. I'm worried, though, that he wants something from me that I'm not ready to give. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now, but I'm totally not the casual sex kind of person. I need to be in love or it's just not good for me (literally, it's not a pleasureable experience). I loved him for four years, now I don't, but he clearly is feeling something for me. Plus, he's just not Dan, which is fine because Dan started to treat me like crap pretty quickly in our relationship. I don't know...between getting so hurt by dan then so hurt by Brian (I hate that I call him by his first name, so from now on, I will refer to him as "the ass" or "the asshole")...it brings up all these trust issues. Do I just stop trusting people? What if I don't trust Anthony and he turns out to be one of the few really good people in the world? What if I do trust him and I get really hurt? It's a toss up and I hate that.
I don't know if I have anything else to say. I feel totally drained, tired, guilty, sad, etc. I'm just all over the place and I don't like it at all.