failing at life - literally.
I'm embarassed to even say some of the things I'm about to say, but this really needs to all come out and it's time I'm brutally honest with myself-
1. I flat out failed my first paper ever. I actually don't know if I've ever failed a paper, but if I have it was either deserved or really un-traumatic which makes me think it hasn't happened because anyone who knows me knows that one of the major things I base my self-worth on is how I do academically. This paper was a whopping 1.5 pages for Philosophy 4. That's right...4. not 144 or 444, just plain old 004. Like freshman 4. I was "not grasping the point at all". I have several things to say about the comments left by the professor.
a) Good professors do not just criticize
b) It is not motivating in any way to get an F much the less an F with nothing to make you feel like at least one word was correct.
c) Seeing your student almost in tears avoiding eye contact and purposefully being unresponsive during an entire class period is generally an indication that approaching that student after class is not a good idea; not only that, but it's an even worse idea to approach that student with the intent to re-iterate what you made very clear in your harsh commentary. Finally, when choosing to ignore these two basic principles, you should at least know when to stop talking and let your student walk away so she can go cry to her father or whoever else is lucky enough to look at her and make her think about how big a failure she is.
2. I got an 85 on a paper for English last week, which wasn't a big deal last week, but now that I have failed this other paper, it seems as though I suck at just about everything.
3. Failing the paper has made me realize that my confidence in suceeding in life is completely unfounded and clearly some sort of drug-induced sensation
4. Failing this paper and realizing my complete inability to deal with failure when not taking medication has made me realize that without help from an outside source (medicine) I'm pretty fucking worthless as a human being, which is a depressing realization.
5. Running to my father at this sort of catastrophe is shameful. My inability to deal with situations such as this on my own just goes to show an even deeper level of compete ineptness and general failure at life.
6. I'm going to end here because this is really self-defeating and I still have about 10 hours of work left to do in public today so I need some level of composure, but let's just say that if I didn't need that composure I would continue this list with my realization that I fail at everything I do - friendships, relationships, school, personal well-being, etc. The final list item may have ended up looking something like, "My existence on this planet is actually detracting from its quality, therefore fill in the blank."