I can't even begin to write this first line and have it come out the way i want it too. I was trying to describe something, something that for almost my entire life has been the one thing i knew i loved. This something I could depend on no matter what, even after it faded away. I sound so stupid. I feel so stupid. Talking about this thing in a way it seems like a break-up. My heart smashed into a million pieces. Something I knew all my life, gone in an instant with no remorse. No regrets or broken heart. I can't say its all your fault, and I refuse to say it's mine. It's like getting over a long term relationship that had nothing wrong from beginning to end. When I think about you, and how you've acted, I get frustrated and furious of how you could just toss it aside. When someone talks about you, or asks how your doing, I get upset and I just want to cry. When your out of my head, all of a sudden there you are again, and I only with you would just go away. It makes me almost sick talking to you. It makes me nervous and afraid. My stomach gets tied up into all these knots, and I just wanna scream, but I cant. I had wished that one day you would relize what happened, you would ask me to forgive you, and I would reject you for the mere satisfaction of seeing the look of disbelief on your face. I couldn't, I don't think I could ever reject something that was so dear to me since before I started 1st grade. You were my first friend. You stayed by me for what? 15 years? I guess asking for any more than that, would be selfish. Maybe it was just time to break apart and go our seperate ways. I only wish we had had a real goodbye instead of one day, we didn't exist to each other. I want so much to not care anymore.
You started a conversation with me. Why? Why do you do that to me? It only hurts to talk to you. I know this sounds pathetic. I know I sound like a crazy spouse or something of the sort. It sounds like I am in love with you. I do love you, but of course not in any of those romantic way because im not a lesbian. (little joke) It's just hard. Losing my best friend was the worst expierence of my life, and it's not even over yet. It wont be over untill the day I die. I will never feel whole without you. The only person I ever wanted to tell everything too. One I could rely on, depend on, love with my whole heart. I cry sometimes, because I miss you. I miss being the bestfriends that we were. I hate the fact that I dont see you in my future. I wanted to be the mother of 4 kids and on weekends still spend a good amount of time with my best friend. I wanted to share everything with you. It's hard, dealing with failed dreams. A failed friendship. If I am never truly happy, it wont be because I don't have a boyfriend, or never got married, or im in a wheelchair, It will be, because I lost a friendship that you could only find, once in a lifetime.