Heroes
There have been so many “heroes” in the last five years. Those who have died, have fought, and have saved in the onslaught of disasters our world has faced. I get the feeling though, that heroes nowadays are only revered because they are the people out there doing something to help. There seems to be a sigh of relief with every new hero story that “Thank God someone is doing something. That means I don’t have to.” They should be heroes because we are jealous of their extraordinary efforts. We should want to be them. And I do.
Ian is in New Orleans right now gutting houses for a week. Over the phone he sounds destroyed. How can he not be? I guess I didn’t realize until I heard his voice how emotionally intense this was going to be. I thought this was mostly humanitarian support at shelters and schools. I didn’t realize that the school he is living at is still in the center of a ruined, semi-abandoned, violence-plagued neighborhood that needs much more than a few kind smiles and band-aids. He’s doing hard labor. He’s trying to clean up the junk that has ruined people’s lives. Who is happy and smiling about that work? He said he’s sorry he’s there only for a week, that he feels inferior to those people who are in it for good. His volunteer work is someone else’s life. Well, I guess that’s always the case, isn’t it? But I am amazed and so jealous. I want to understand the pain and hurt and destruction that makes up the lives of the people on the Gulf right now. I want to understand the pain of the poorest and most desperate Iraqi. If I can understand that, I will have understood a pain that is so foreign to me-the basest of human pains-loss of the ability to survive. I cannot comprehend. Even my boyfriend sounds foreign to me. I told him I felt so, and he assured me that I am foreign to everything he describes. There’s no way I can know.
I went online to learn more about the hurricane. I saw a lot of photos, and they gave me some idea of what I am missing. But not enough. There are hardly any articles available. Nothing current. I have no idea what happened in New Orleans. I don’t get it. I know that there were heavy rains as a part of the hurricane that caused the river to flood and break levees, thus spilling water into New Orleans. I don’t understand when the hurricane ended though, and when they started evacuating people (though I know it was too late and much too ineffective). How many people stayed? How much has life “returned to normal”? How many people are still displaced or unemployed? People keep buzzing about the racial and economic problems this has revealed-where do I read about that? I want to know why the poor blacks of Louisiana were left behind to die because I can’t accept that that actually happened because I don’t want to believe that our country is that backwards. Of course it is. Of course it is. I haven’t seen enough of the world, enough of the pain of the world to understand that of course our country is horrible, just like it always has been. It’s not fair. I know I could have found a way out if I were there. I would have made it happen. Why am I safe now? Why am I allowed to have the confidence in my survival without even knowing what went on?
I feel horrible. But I need to tell myself that my accomplishments are no less because I’m not saving New Orleans like Ian. But maybe they are. I’m buying into the system. I’m learning to pay rent, to have a job and live on my own in Los Angeles, California. I’m buying into the system by not being out there right now doing something to save the world. I have a cell phone and an iPod and a computer and a fucking college education that will cost my parents 42,000 dollars next year. Why is this important? I’m so selfish. I’m so selfish for knowing that I need this. I want to help, but is it really true you have to help yourself before you can help others? No, no, no. I will find a way. Because I am angry. I am angry and young and have time and energy on my hands. I will change the world. I must do it. I must make myself into a hero or I won’t believe in the heroism of people at all anymore.