Fidelity [1/1]
Title: Fidelity [1/1]
Author: FloweryMisha
Pairing: KrisHo
Warning: BoyxBoy love. Enough said.
Summary: Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Author’s Note: This might be similar to Moments. I wrote this with a massive headache and the pain of losing someone dearly, I’m so sorry if this is awful ;; this is boring with repetion but you already know that. Oh, and please don’t read if you don’t like incest /gets slapped. Rushed unbeta-ed etc etc. And please, no translations allowed!
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
--Eleanor Roosevelt
i.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Sometimes his dreams were so intense that he snapped awake in the middle of the night, gasping like they really happened because everything
felt so real. The other time, it was so painful and agonizing that he ended up crying in the morning.
Yifan didn’t know why he kept on dreaming. At first, his dream only happened once in a few weeks, but as he grew older, weekly became daily.
They said dreams came from one’s subconscious mind.
Perhaps it did.
If it was just a dream, Yifan would shrug it off. Heck, there was nothing special about a dream. It could mean anything. But his dreams were always, always about a certain someone, whether he liked it or not. Yifan didn’t know if it was subconscious or if it was because of the fact that he became aware of a certain someone.
When Yifan turned seventeen, he realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about the person he had been dreaming of.
Because that person was Junmyeon.
His step-father.
***
When his mother told him that she would remarry, Yifan didn’t think it would be a problem.
She never really cared about him anyway.
In a few weeks, Yifan would turn seventeen, and then all he had to do was to find a university with a dorm. That, or get a job. Anything to get away from home.
Besides, he had a feeling his mother’s new marriage wouldn’t last. Either her new boyfriend was just as dumb as her, or he was extremely drunk when he agreed to marry her. Yifan wouldn’t even bother to get to know the man.
It became a problem when Junmyeon was introduced as his new father.
Yifan was shocked, because Junmyeon was definitely different than his mother’s previous boyfriends. Junmyeon looked nice. Junmyeon looked
kind-hearted. Junmyeon looked...
...decent.
At first, Yifan didn’t think that he would get along with Junmyeon, but he did. He never thought Junmyeon would care about him. Despite the fact
that their status was merely step-father and step-son, Junmyeon treated Yifan like he was his own son. It didn’t take a long time for Yifan to feel fond of Junmyeon. His step-father’s way of speaking was a bit cautious, especially when he was with Yifan, but it was all right.
Yifan was glad for his presence. Junmyeon was definitely younger than his mother, but he seemed more mature than her. Yifan cared about him. He cared about Junmyeon so much. He cared about him so much that perhaps his feelings had surpassed the line.
I want to protect you, Junmyeon.
***
Unfortunately, Yifan’s hunch was never wrong.
When he found out that his mother was cheating on Junmyeon, he got pissed off.
Yifan was angry, but he was even angrier at Junmyeon because the older male didn’t seem to mind. Junmyeon wasn’t dumb, of course he would’ve found out about his mother’s affair from the start, but he did nothing to stop it. Yifan was loss at words at the fact. One was supposed to be angry when they found out that their partner was cheating, but apparently, not Junmyeon.
His mother rarely came home anymore, but instead of feeling indignant, Yifan felt relieved. He was relieved, because at least that way, Junmyeon wouldn’t feel hurt anymore. And even if Junmyeon ever felt hurt, he made a very good job of not showing it.
Even though Junmyeon was older, Yifan won when it came to height.
Lately, Yifan had been thinking about what would it feel like if he pulled Junmyeon into a hug. The male’s lithe figure would probably fit in his arms. There were times when Yifan felt like catching Junmyeon’s wrist and hugged him, but he always managed to snap out of the ridiculous thoughts before it happened.
Although it should be natural for someone to hug their father...right?
Including step-father?
***
“Happy birthday, Yifan!”
Junmyeon's cheerful voice greeted Yifan when the latter got home. Yifan blinked momentarily at that before realizing that today was really his birthday. He didn’t even remember! The tall male broke into a grin as he stepped inside.
He chuckled at Junmyeon’s attempt to decorate the house. There were balloons everywhere on the wall. The colors were bright, but the way Junmyeon placed the balloons were somewhat sloppy. Still, it made Yifan grin. He was happy that Junmyeon remembered.
“Thank you. But...don’t you think it’s too childish for sweet seventeen?”
Junmyeon pouted. “I knew you’d say that.”
“Just kidding,” Yifan laughed heartily. He put his bag on an empty chair and rubbed his hands together, his eyes gleaming at the view of his birthday cake on the table. The cake was a bit too big for the two of them. “Is my mother home...?”
“Ah. She went out with her friend,” Junmyeon’s expression dimmed as he shook his head. “I’m sorry, Yifan. I tried to coax her into staying, but she refused...”
Yifan shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal if she's not here. Besides, I got you, and that is enough.”
There was something about the way Junmyeon stared at Yifan when the latter said those words. Junmyeon smiled, and his smile indicated that he felt grateful of what Yifan had just said.
"Thank you."
But really, Yifan was the one who felt more grateful for Junmyeon's presence.
Why does it have to be my mom instead of me...?
Instinctively, Yifan reached for Junmyeon to hug him. It was just an expression of gratitude. The hug was supposed to be two, three seconds the longest, but when Junmyeon leaned even closer to Yifan, his fingers digging into Yifan's sleeve, the feeling of familiarity seeped into the taller male’s skin.
Like it was how it was supposed to be.
“Happy birthday, Yifan...”
Junmyeon’s soft voice was muffled against Yifan’s chest. Yifan couldn't think clearly after that. He hooked his fingers underneath Junmyeon’s chin, forcing the older male to look up. Junmyeon simply obeyed and he gazed silently at Yifan. Their lips were inches apart, and Yifan didn’t think he would care if he would go to hell for having the thought of kissing his step-father.
It was just a thought.
Yifan licked his lips before pressing their mouths together. He noticed how Junmyeon fluttered his eyes close when they kissed, and a shiver went down Yifan's spine when he realized that Junmyeon didn't do anything about it.
If only Junmyeon fought back.
If only Junmyeon pushed him away...
But Junmyeon didn’t, and Yifan was mentally glad for that. What started first as shy kisses had gotten so deep that Yifan could feel himself consumed by lust. Kisses weren’t enough. He wanted more. He needed more...
This is wrong.
A loud gasp escaped Junmyeon’s mouth when Yifan’s hand trailed downward.
No, this is right.
“Yifan-“
Junmyeon hissed when Yifan bit his lower lip, as a warning for the older male to say nothing. Junmyeon flinched beneath Yifan when the latter’s fingers slipped inside his underwear, touching him intentionally.
You’re mine from the start.
“I’m not stopping,” Yifan stated, although Junmyeon never told him to stop. “I’m not stopping...Junmyeon.”
“Don’t call my name like that, Yifan,” Junmyeon cried weakly. “Just don’t...”
“You could’ve left,” Yifan pressed his forehead against Junmyeon’s, feeling the heat of their bodies rising. Still, their kisses didn't stop. “My mother has hurt you. You could’ve left, but you chose to stay. Why did you stay...?”
Junmyeon threw his head back when Yifan’s thumb caressed his sensitive part. His breathing became ragged, and Yifan had a feeling he was close. Not long after that, Junmyeon came in Yifan’s hand, crying. He didn't give Yifan any answer, but it was all right. At least at the moment. Junmyeon was all Yifan needed, and it was enough.
"Yifan..."
Yifan’s chest tightened upon hearing the male’s cry. He kissed Junmyeon’s tears away, and for an unknown reason, his heartbeat refused to slow down. Yifan was still staring at Junmyeon when the latter sobbed softly against his chest.
Junmyeon was too damn beautiful.
***
The next morning, Yifan woke up with a hope that he would be able to start everything new with Junmyeon. They would talk about everything, and Yifan hoped that Junmyeon was still willing to stay, even if it was just the two of them.
But it was just a dream.
Everything felt like crashing down when Yifan found Junmyeon’s lifeless body in the bathroom. The bathtub was filled with red liquid, and it didn’t take a genius to know what Junmyeon had done to himself.
But Yifan didn’t understand.
Why...?
Yifan blankly gazed at the knife beside Junmyeon’s feet. He carefully took the sharp item. Yifan threw one last gaze to Junmyeon before stabbing the knife into his veins.
ii.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Sometimes his dreams were so intense that he snapped awake in the middle of the night, gasping like they really happened because everything felt so real. The other time, it was so painful and agonizing that he ended up crying in the morning.
Yifan didn’t know why he kept on dreaming. At first, his dream only happened once in a few weeks, but as he grew older, weekly became daily.
They said dreams came from one’s subconscious mind.
Perhaps it did.
If it was just a dream, Yifan would shrug it off. Heck, there was nothing special about a dream. It could mean anything. But his dreams were always, always about a certain someone, whether he liked it or not. Yifan didn’t know if it was subconscious or if it was because of the fact that he became aware of a certain someone.
When Yifan turned seventeen, he realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about the person he had been dreaming of.
Because that person was Junmyeon.
His older brother.
***
Funny how Yifan and Junmyeon were brothers, but there was distance between them.
Their age difference was only a year, but Yifan always felt like he couldn’t catch up with Junmyeon.
Junmyeon was everything his parents ever wanted.
The older male got the looks, he got the brain, he got everything. Junmyeon was perfect. Heck, Yifan wasn’t sure if perfect was the right word, because it was an understatement. Flawless suit him more.
Everyone was proud of Junmyeon. As the younger brother, of course Yifan felt proud too of him. But no matter what Yifan did to get closer to Junmyeon, the latter never allowed him to. Every attempt Yifan made was easily dodged by Junmyeon. Now that Yifan thought about it, they never even had a conversation. It was a privilege to have one. Worse, Junmyeon wouldn’t even make an eye-contact with him.
It didn’t bother Yifan at first. He had always thought that Junmyeon was just not paying attention to him. Yifan accepted the rejection easily when he was younger, but not now. As they grew older, it was obvious that Junmyeon was ignoring him, and it annoyed the hell out of Yifan.
Yifan became restless.
Why did his own brother wouldn’t look at him? What did he do wrong?
As if it wasn’t enough, Junmyeon chose to stay in the dorm when he got accepted in the university, away from him. Yifan knew he was
overreacting, because perhaps it was a requirement from the university, but even when he tried to get a hold of him, Junmyeon would always reject his call. His older brother would send him a text, saying that he was busy at the moment or that he was with a friend.
Yifan should’ve taken the hint that Junmyeon didn’t want to talk to him.
But Yifan didn’t give up.
He would never give up.
***
Yifan thought of a way to make Junmyeon talk to him.
He couldn’t think of any other way but to use his birthday as a reason.
The male asked for his parents to contact Junmyeon to go home to celebrate his birthday together. Junmyeon had agreed, but it was never in
Yifan’s plan to have his parents leaving so suddenly for an urgent matter.
Yifan thought his parents would’ve informed Junmyeon by then, but apparently they hadn’t. His face brightened the moment he saw his older brother smiling by the door, greeting that he was home, but that beautiful smile soon faltered when Junmyeon found out there was no one else but them at home. Yifan opened his mouth to explain, but Junmyeon quickly turned around, reaching for the door. The gesture made Yifan angry, and with two giant steps, he got to his brother.
Without thinking, Yifan pinned Junmyeon against the door. His brother let out a terrified gasp and the sound of his back meeting the door was a bit loud, but Yifan’s resolve didn’t waver.
He needed to sort things out.
“Yifan, let me go...”
“No.”
“Yifan...”
“Look at me, Hyung.”
Junmyeon whimpered weakly when Yifan grabbed his wrists a bit roughly. The younger of the two got the privilege to see the view of Junmyeon’s beautiful face, but it bothered Yifan that the latter kept his eyes shut. His brother was scared, that much was obvious. But what was he afraid of...?
Him...?
Annoyed, Yifan pushed Junmyeon onto the carpeted floor. Junmyeon cried in pain because he wasn’t ready at the sudden impact, but Yifan wasn’t affected. If anything, he was a bit desperate because even then, his brother still wouldn’t look at him.
Was he that disgusting?
What should I do to make you look at me...?
Unconsciously, Yifan dove to catch Junmyeon’s lips.
Something within him literally exploded upon tasting Junmyeon’s soft lips, but what made him smile was the fact that Junmyeon cracked his eyes open.
“Yi-Yifan, what are you-“
“Kissing you,” Yifan murmured in relieved as he kissed Junmyeon again. “Finally, finally, Hyung...you look at me...”
“B-but-“
“You’re here to celebrate my birthday, right?”
Junmyeon was unable to retort anything at the question. No. It was more like a statement. He simply gazed at Yifan, visible patches of pink were across his cheeks. Junmyeon’s wrists were held tightly by Yifan above his head, which seemed awfully tiny for an eighteen years old.
The view underneath him was undeniably breathtaking.
Yifan almost forgot how to breathe because dear god, Junmyeon was staring at him with his black orbs and he had never seen something so beautiful before. Junmyeon, his brother, was so damn perfect and it got Yifan to feel so inexplicably jealous, because...
Junmyeon was his from the start.
Yifan’s heartbeat was so loud in his ears, he wondered if Junmyeon was able to hear it. Instead of letting Junmyeon go, Yifan tightened his grip around Junmyeon’s tiny wrists, leaning down to press their lips together again. He witnessed how Junmyeon’s face scrunched up, but he did nothing to push Yifan away. If anything, it seemed like Junmyeon gave up struggling underneath Yifan.
“Yifan,” Junmyeon said weakly between their kisses. “Enough.”
“No,” Yifan stubbornly shook his head. “It took me seventeen years to have you look at me. I’m not going to let this opportunity to slip away...”
“Don’t be silly, I used to look at you when you were little...”
“Then why did you stop?”
Junmyeon visibly stiffened and he forced himself to look away.
“Don’t you dare look away from me, Hyung. Why did you stop? Why did you make me feel like this?”
Junmyeon sighed. “...it was too much. Looking at you...was too much, Yifan...”
Yifan frowned. “I don’t...I don’t understand.”
“You don’t have to,” Junmyeon smiled sadly. He lifted his face to look at Yifan, and his gaze softened when their eyes locked. “Yifan...you’ve grown a lot. You’re heavy...”
It got the two of them to chuckle. Yifan couldn’t help but feeling very happy at their situation. Junmyeon was staring at him. Junmyeon was laughing with him. Yifan dreamily brought one of Junmyeon’s wrists to his lips, kissing it lightly.
“Happy birthday,” Junmyeon whispered. This time, he was the first one to kiss Yifan. Their lips softly touched and Yifan’s defense came crumbling down.
“I love you, Hyung.”
Junmyeon shook his head weakly. “Don’t say that unless you mean it...”
“What...what did you mean by that? Of course I mean it.”
“As a brother, right...?”
The look Junmyeon had was unreadable, and it felt like an invisible stab to Yifan’s chest.
Yifan didn’t understand. As a brother...?
Junmyeon felt Yifan’s grip loosening and he took the chance to free himself. The older of the two caressed his wrist like it had been cuffed. Yifan’s grip was surely deathly. Junmyeon pulled himself up and headed to the door.
“I should get going...”
“Wait. You should stay for the night-“
“Goodbye, Yifan.”
***
The next morning, Yifan got the news that Junmyeon killed himself.
He only watched as his parents crying and mourning of their beloved son.
Yifan’s heart sank deeply. It was as if a part of him was taken away from him by force.
He didn’t understand. Last night everything was all right... The memories of Junmyeon's warm lips still lingered...
Why...?
Are you so disgusted with me...?
Yifan was so confused that he cut his wrist without thinking, watching silently as the blood gushed out.
As his consciousness slipped away, he remembered wishing for one thing.
Please, Hyung, let me love you properly...
iii.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Sometimes his dreams were so intense that he snapped awake in the middle of the night, gasping like they really happened because everything felt so real. The other time, it was so painful and agonizing that he ended up crying in the morning.
Yifan didn’t know why he kept on dreaming. At first, his dream only happened once in a few weeks, but as he grew older, weekly became daily.
They said dreams came from one’s subconscious mind.
Perhaps it did.
If it was just a dream, Yifan would shrug it off. Heck, there was nothing special about a dream. It could mean anything. But his dreams were always, always about a certain someone, whether he liked it or not. Yifan didn’t know if it was subconscious or if it was because of the fact that he became aware of a certain someone.
When Yifan turned seventeen, he realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about the person he had been dreaming of.
Because that person was Junmyeon.
His own cousin.
***
“He’s here to see you again, Yifan.”
Yifan had just thrown the ball into the hoop when Chanyeol spoke. The ball went in smoothly and Yifan glanced over his shoulder to look at who Chanyeol was talking about. A smile was etched across his face upon seeing Junmyeon in one of the seats.
“Yeah...”
“And there you go, smiling dumbly again every time he’s here.”
“What’s wrong with smiling after seeing my own cousin?” Yifan rolled his eyes and smacked Chanyeol playfully on the shoulder. “There isn’t a rule about that.”
“There isn’t, but you look like you’re in love,” Chanyeol replied mockingly and jerked his chin toward Yifan “Come on, have a one on one with me!”
“Don’t cry if you lose again like last time.”
“You wish!”
Yifan laughed as Chanyeol passed him the ball. He sneaked a glance at the general direction of Junmyeon, and suddenly, his fighting spirit boosted.
***
When Yifan was little, he had heard stories about Junmyeon. They had never met before, but judging from the stories his mother told him, Junmyeon sounded like he was a good person.
That was why when his mother told him that Junmyeon was going to enroll in the same school as him, Yifan was somewhat excited. He was the only child, and most of their families lived in Canada or China, so the thought of having an additional family member in their house made him happy.
Yifan made a long list of plans on where to take Junmyeon. He would take him out to basketball matches, or even better, teach Junmyeon how to play. They would go to the movies every weekend, hopefully Junmyeon liked the movies that he chose. Since Junmyeon was older than him, he would probably have girl problems...not that it was a big deal. Yifan would want him to come to him if he ever had any girl problems (and that he should probably go to Luhan if it was math problems).
But those plans vanished instantly the moment Yifan laid his eyes on Junmyeon.
Junmyeon arrived in Korea the same day with Yifan’s birthday. It seemed like Junmyeon had changed the schedule of his flight, because his parents were supposed to pick him up the next day. Yifan and his parents were in the middle of blowing candles and slicing cakes when the doorbell rang.
His parents were flabbergasted, but they welcomed Junmyeon warmly while Yifan merely froze in his track. It wasn’t polite to stare, but Yifan was captured by Junmyeon’s looks. The first time this kind of thing happened to Yifan was when he met Luhan. He had always thought that Luhan was the only person who walked out of a manga, but Junmyeon...
Junmyeon...
...was an angel came to life.
“Yifan? What are you doing? Come here and greet your cousin!”
Yifan jerked out of his daze, feeling a bit taken aback when Junmyeon stared deeply at him. Junmyeon had beautiful black orbs...familiar, beautiful eyes... Yifan was examining the rest of Junmyeon’s face when the latter tilted his head to one side and smiled kindly.
“Hello, Yifan...”
Yifan’s sanity was almost damaged.
***
It had been a few days since Junmyeon lived together with his family.
Yifan had always tried to establish a decent conversation with Junmyeon, but after a while, he realized that Junmyeon would only look at him whenever they had dinner with their parents. When it was just the two of them and Yifan was talking to him, Junmyeon would reply, but his line of sight was directed to someplace else.
To be honest, it bothered Yifan, but perhaps Junmyeon was comfortable that way.
So he didn’t mind.
Which was why Yifan was so happy when Junmyeon started coming over to watch him practice basketball.
Junmyeon was pretty, so pretty that it got the other members to pause their activities and took more than a moment to check Junmyeon out. While they were busy ogling over Junmyeon, Yifan didn’t know why he felt extremely angry about it. Fortunately, he was also the Captain, so he had the right to groan in distaste and yelled at the other members to pay attention to the practice.
Chanyeol was the first one to find out that Junmyeon was Yifan’s cousin, and with that amount of information, it was enough to make everyone hesitate about asking Junmyeon out.
Even though Junmyeon came a lot to watch him practicing, he never stayed until the practice was done.
Whenever the coach said their practice was done for the day, Yifan found himself searching for the older male’s presence in one of the seats, but Junmyeon was nowhere to be found. It would be a lie to say that Yifan wasn’t disappointed, but as days went by, it kept on happening that way. Slowly, but surely, Yifan was getting used to it.
Yifan was happy, because his cousin actually cared about him.
Perhaps...perhaps Junmyeon was just too shy to show it.
***
It was one of the days when the weather was terribly hot. Junmyeon was nowhere to be found, but it was all right, since Yifan wouldn’t want him to be tanned like Jongin, one of his members.
Yifan walked over to Chanyeol to start their warming up. His friend looked slightly bothered, but Yifan didn’t really want to ask. Perhaps he had a bad test result. However, Chanyeol finally opened his mouth to speak.
“Yo, Yifan?”
Yifan only hummed in reply as he continued to stretch out his hands.
“You will probably kill me, but...”
Yifan raised his eyebrows in curiosity.
“...do you know if Junmyeon is seeing anyone at the moment?”
“You’re right, I’m so gonna kill you,” Yifan growled indignantly.
“Oh my god, your face is so ugly,” Chanyeol scrunched up his face to copy Yifan’s expression. “Does it mean he’s dating someone? But you don’t like the girl?” Before Yifan got the chance to react, Chanyeol continued casually. “Or the boy?”
The...boy?
Yifan gawked in surprise at Chanyeol as he stopped moving. He heard the coach scolding him for stopping, but he didn’t care at the moment. Subconsciously, Yifan curled his fingers into a fist. The thought of Junmyeon dating someone else bugged him to no end, and he didn’t know why.
Moreover, a boy.
Chanyeol awkwardly waved a hand in front of Yifan’s face. “Earth to Yifan, earth to Yifan...you should continue warming up, the coach is glaring at you right now.”
Yifan quickly nodded and resumed stretching out his hands. “He’s not-he’s not dating anyone... Not that I know of.”
I will never allow it.
“Ah, good to hear that,” Chanyeol immediately grinned, too innocent to Yifan’s liking. “I can ask him out then.”
“You what???” Yifan shouted in shock, halting his movement once again. “Chanyeol!!”
“Wu Yifan!!” The coach yelled in annoyance. “You run the field five laps!!”
***
Chanyeol disappeared as soon as the practice ended.
Yifan didn’t have the time to talk to him even between practice, because they were in a different team today.
What Chanyeol had said to him was unacceptable. On his way home, Yifan held the urge to kick everything that moved. He didn’t know why he got so irritated at the fact that Chanyeol wanted to ask Junmyeon out...
Dammit.
Yifan knew that Junmyeon and him rarely talked, but Junmyeon was his cousin, dammit. No one, no one should be able to get pass through him that easily. If they wanted to date Junmyeon, they had a wall called Yifan to climb first.
But...
Junmyeon wouldn’t even talk to him...
Now that Yifan thought about it, he himself didn’t know the answer. They lived under the same roof, their rooms were merely several doors apart, but why? Why wouldn’t Junmyeon talk to him like real cousins? Why wouldn’t Junmyeon look at him whenever they were together unless there was someone else...?
Why...?
Yifan quietly said ‘I’m home’ to no one in particular and closed the door behind him. He didn’t get any reply. The house felt empty. Yifan glanced at the shoe rack and he noticed his parents’ shoes weren’t there. They were probably out for an event...
...but Junmyeon’s were there.
Junmyeon was home.
Yifan didn’t waste any time. It was a good chance for them to talk. He quickened his steps, climbing three stairs at a time with his long legs. When Yifan reached Junmyeon’s door, he raised his fist to knock, but he hesitated halfway. Even if he did knock, and then what?
What was that he wanted to ask...? How to start everything...? How...?
“Hyung...?”
There was no answer.
“I know you’re in there...” Yifan said almost desperately as he rested his forehead against the wooden door. “Please, answer me...”
“Yes, Yifan...?”
Yifan breathed in relief at Junmyeon’s soft voice. You replied. He was tempted to barge in and confront Junmyeon, but he didn’t want to rush. He wasn’t even sure of what he felt... Yifan took a deep sigh before continuing, hoping that his tone would sound normal.
“Did Chanyeol...ask you out today?”
Yifan almost couldn’t stand the silence that followed. Just answer quickly, dammit. Don’t make me wait...please. Yifan squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his lips into a thin line, trying to understand the emotions he felt inside.
“...yes.”
Ouch.
“Did you say yes?”
“...why?”
Yifan frowned at the door. “Wh-what did you mean by ‘why’?”
“What does it matter to you if I said yes, Yifan...?”
Yifan winced. Those words were simple, but they got to Yifan deeply. The tall male’s throat became dry, because Junmyeon was right. What did it matter to him...? He should be happy regardless who Junmyeon chose. They were cousins, they were family, they were-
No.
Yifan placed a hand over his mouth.
I don’t want to be family.
“Because it’s supposed to be-“ Yifan’s eyes widened in shock. His mouth moved automatically by its own. What the hell was he thinking? “I’m-I’m sorry, Hyung. I’m leaving now.”
Just as Yifan turned around, the door swung open. Embarrassed and confused, Yifan planned to just leave, but Junmyeon caught his wrist on time, preventing him from going.
“It’s supposed to be...who?” Junmyeon asked quietly, his tone was laced slightly with hope.
Yifan dragged a hand down his face. His face was hot, burning from all of the shame, but it was too late. Yifan finally understood what he was going through, and he was going to face it. So he spun around to look at Junmyeon, and his heart almost stopped beating when Junmyeon looked back at him.
When it was just the two of them.
Yifan swallowed.
“It’s supposed to be me...”
***
Their lips reconnected for the umpteenth time.
Strange, because it was the first time for Yifan to touch Junmyeon-heck, it was his first time of touching anyone-but it felt...right. Yifan missed this, this...person. But no, that was not possible...it was probably just a feeling... He had never met Junmyeon before this...
They did nothing but kiss.
Just as Yifan slid his hand underneath Junmyeon’s shirt, the latter shook his head.
"Wait, it's-it's too soon..."
Yifan smiled apologetically, but Junmyeon's words made him so happy. It meant that Junmyeon didn't mind with what they had, and Yifan almost cried in relief. Yes, it was too soon. They had all the time they needed...
They fell asleep hugging each other that night, and Yifan didn't think he had ever slept so soundly before.
***
It turned out that Junmyeon really did say yes to Chanyeol.
Chanyeol’s happy face annoyed Yifan that he felt like punching the life out of his friend, but there was nothing he could do. He simply forced himself to smile and wished him a great relationship with his cousin-not forgetting to add that he would kill Chanyeol if he ever, ever hurt Junmyeon.
It was okay.
Because at the end of the day, Junmyeon would still be Yifan’s.
It must have been a cruel fate that same day when Yifan witnessed Chanyeol kissing Junmyeon after the practice was done.
Junmyeon’s eyes widened when he saw Yifan was watching. Yifan put on a blank face, inwardly telling himself that it was all right, that he could claim Junmyeon the moment they got home. He pretended that he was not bothered at all and walked away, leaving Junmyeon alone to have his moment with Chanyeol. If only Yifan had run after Junmyeon...
That night, Junmyeon didn’t come home.
That night, Yifan got a call that informed him that Junmyeon was no longer breathing.
That night, Yifan ended his life.
iv.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Sometimes his dreams were so intense that he snapped awake in the middle of the night, gasping like they really happened because everything
felt so real. The other time, it was so painful and agonizing that he ended up crying in the morning.
Yifan didn’t know why he kept on dreaming. At first, his dream only happened once in a few weeks, but as he grew older, weekly became daily.
They said dreams came from one’s subconscious mind.
Perhaps it did.
If it was just a dream, Yifan would shrug it off. Heck, there was nothing special about a dream. It could mean anything. But his dreams were always, always about a certain someone, whether he liked it or not. Yifan didn’t know if it was subconscious or if it was because of the fact that he became aware of a certain someone.
When Yifan turned seventeen, he realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about the person he had been dreaming of.
Because that person was Junmyeon.
The brother of his older sister’s fiance.
***
When Yifan’s parents announced that it was time for Jessica to marry, no one looked surprised.
Jessica had just turned twenty several months ago, and as the first child of the Wu family, it was expected. If she could choose, she wouldn’t want to get married, of course. But just like any other story, there was nothing she could do but to obey. Jessica always said yes. She was always obedient.
Besides, there was no way their parents would hook her up with someone that would disgrace their family. Whoever it was, the male definitely had to come from a family that was just as wealthy as them. Because in their type of family, pride was everything.
Jessica prepared herself for the worst, but when Taecyeon was introduced formally to their family, the pretty girl looked totally captivated.
It was probably love at first sight, and Yifan could easily see why.
Taecyeon was well built. The way he spoke indicated that he was well-mannered and gentle. Yifan almost rolled his eyes when he saw his sister staring boldly. But then again, which women wouldn’t fall for such a gorgeous figure?
“And this is my brother, Junmyeon...”
Jessica’s dreamy expression faltered slightly upon seeing the smaller figure behind Taecyeon’s tall body.
If Taecyeon was the perfect epitome of manliness, then the male named Junmyeon was...quite the opposite. They looked alike, but they were so different at the same time. Junmyeon had a slender, shorter figure, beautiful face, compared to Taecyeon.
Yifan frowned to himself.
Junmyeon nodded and bloomed into a smile before bowing respectfully to their family.
The smile was meant for Jessica and his parents, but not for him.
Junmyeon did not look at Yifan.
***
During the preparation for Jessica and Taecyeon’s wedding, Junmyeon had never talked to Yifan, not even once.
It bugged Yifan because whenever they had family meeting, Junmyeon never said a word to him. No one else seemed to notice it, though. Was it just Yifan’s imagination, then...? But...no, Yifan knew he was right about this.
Junmyeon never even lifted up his face to look at Yifan, and that was a fact.
Yifan lazily glanced at his reflection in the mirror. The male puffed his cheeks in annoyance for a moment. Was his face that scary so that Junmyeon refused to look at him?
That night, Yifan had been working on the guest lists that he ended up falling asleep in the living room. When the grandfather’s clock chimed loudly at midnight, Yifan snapped awake in surprise. The male sleepily rubbed his eyes and let out a deep breath as he blinked in confusion. Realizing that he was still in the living room, Yifan relaxed his shoulders and shifted to get a more comfortable position on the couch. He decided to continue working on the guest list tomorrow.
I should sleep...
Within seconds, the tall male’s eyelids became heavy.
No, I shouldn’t sleep here...
But if he did, no one was going to scold him anyway... With that in mind, Yifan slowly gave in to exhaustion, his eyes were closing and he fell into a deep slumber the next second.
He was so close.
It only took another step to enter the dream land, but someone had to ruin it by stepping into the room.
The sound of the door creaking was so faint, but it was enough to send Yifan back to life. However, Yifan was feeling very tired that he was too lazy to open his eyes. He hoped whoever it was would just ignore him and go back to their room, leaving him to sleep in peace.
The room was so quiet that Yifan became aware of the light footsteps on the carpet. His wish to be left alone was just a wishful thinking as the person approched him. The corner of his eyes twitched as Yifan sensed a warm presence beside him.
Who...?
Yifan waited, still pretending to be asleep, even though his sleepiness had vanished completely by then.
“You always work hard...”
Yifan held his breath.
"Yifan..."
Junmyeon...?
His heartbeat quickened when he heard Junmyeon’s voice. Yifan chose not to respond. The other male’s voice was so soothing that it could make Yifan instantly fall back asleep. His heart accelerated even faster when Junmyeon carefully brushed Yifan’s hair, his slender fingers ended up resting on Yifan’s cheek.
“Happy birthday, Yifan...”
What...?
And then Junmyeon kissed him.
His eyes were closed and there was only darkness, but Yifan swore he saw millions of fireworks. The way Junmyeon pressed his lips against his was so gentle, it made Yifan’s heart ache. Junmyeon kept on kissing him and unconsciously, Yifan gripped the armrest tightly, not knowing what to do. His mind was still working from all of the sensation, wondering if it was real. But as Junmyeon continued to kiss him like there was no tomorrow, Yifan finally grabbed Junmyeon’s wrist to hold him close without warning, causing the beautiful male to gasp.
“Yifan! You-you were awake?”
Yifan didn’t answer. He was still breathless from their kisses.
Neither of them said anything for the longest time, but to simply lock their eyes.
Beautiful.
For the first time in his life, Yifan felt a painful longing stabbing his chest. It wasn’t just painful, but the worst one ever. Junmyeon’s face...Junmyeon’s gaze...it was all so familiar that something within Yifan cried in confusion.
What was it that he felt...?
“Have we met before this...?”
Junmyeon flinched, but he didn’t answer.
“How did you know my birthday...?”
Yifan stubbornly tugged Junmyeon closer.
“Why did you kiss me...?”
Junmyeon was now trapped within Yifan’s arms. The older male said nothing even when he was already in Yifan’s lap, his lips parted slightly as he looked away. Junmyeon’s chest was moving rapidly, his cheeks were pink and his breath was uneven, but still, no words came out.
Damn it.
Yifan must be out of his mind when he decided to be the first one to kiss Junmyeon this time.
Just one more time...
‘One more time’ turned to ‘countless times’, because the feeling of Junmyeon’s lips on his was addicting. Yifan had never kissed anyone ever before, but why did he have a feeling that it wasn’t their first time...?
“Yifan, wait,” Junmyeon pushed Yifan away weakly. “This-this isn’t right...our siblings are getting married-“
“You’re right,” Yifan said with a serious expression, his grip didn't loosen. “My room, then.”
“That’s not what I-“
Yifan was in no mood to argue. He simply stood up and pressed a finger against his lips as he dragged Junmyeon away.
Junmyeon tried to talk some sense into Yifan, but Yifan wouldn’t have it. Their fingers were intertwined the whole way, and Yifan felt like it wasn’t the first time for him to hold Junmyeon’s hand. Yifan was attacked with a lot of strange emotions that night, but what he felt the most was the feeling of missing Junmyeon so badly like they had been separated for years. It got the tall male to frown, what had gotten into him that he felt extremely possessive of the beautiful male?
To think that they had never talked before...
Yifan didn’t forget to lock the door as soon as they stepped into his bedroom. The taller of the two easily pinned Junmyeon on his bed.
“Yifan-“
“There’s no turning back,” Yifan shook his head, strongly determined. “You’re mine, Junmyeon.”
Junmyeon’s expression changed the moment Yifan said those words. Yifan readied himself to hear more protest, but unexpectedly, Junmyeon closed his eyes in defeat, letting Yifan took control of him.
So Yifan did.
Yifan wanted to think that he was experienced, but he had never done this before. The muffled, pleased mewls that escaped Junmyeon’s lips excited Yifan. Something within him told him that he knew every inch of Junmyeon’s body, where Junmyeon’s exact sensitive spots were, but Yifan had no idea how. All he knew was that his inner part of him instinctively spoke that Junmyeon was his, and that he was the only person who had the right to touch him.
It only took Yifan several thrusts to hit Junmyeon’s sweet spot.
What happened the rest of that seemed like a dream came true. Yifan could feel his self swelling with pride when Junmyeon cling to him. It was beautiful, everything was beautiful, but Junmyeon crying his name was certainly the most beautiful view Yifan had ever seen.
Just as they both reached their climax, Yifan made sure to hold Junmyeon close to him, because he had a feeling that Junmyeon would leave him as soon as it was done.
And it was funny, considering that they had never talked before...
But for some reason, Yifan was very, very afraid.
***
It was almost dawn when Yifan regained his consciousness back.
He moved his arm to feel Junmyeon beside him, but a shiver went down his spine when it touched nothing but a cold sheet.
Fear quickly grew inside Yifan as he hastily sat up, because dammit, why did this always happen??
Wait. Always...?
The first thing that came to Yifan’s mind was to check Junmyeon’s in the kitchen, because knives... Yifan felt all of his strength draining at the scary thought. He quickly slid off of the bed and reached for his clothes. It occured to him for a second that his shirt was missing, but Yifan didn’t really pay attention as he put on his pants.
Just as Yifan was about to dash out of his bedroom, it was then he realized that the door to the balcony was opened. He halted abruptly, wondering if he forgot to close it last night... Yifan spun around and walked across to reach for the door handle, but the view of Junmyeon standing by himself in the balcony made his knees weak. The male sighed gratefully as he stepped outside, calling out the beautiful male's name.
“Junmyeon?”
Junmyeon was obviously shocked by Yifan’s sudden voice. But Yifan was even more shocked at the fact that Junmyeon seemed ready to jump from the balcony.
“What the fuck-get off there!”
“No!!” Junmyeon vigorously shook his head as a warning. “Don’t come any closer, Yifan!!”
“Junmyeon-“
“If you come closer, I won’t hesitate to jump!!!!”
Yifan stopped in his track only because Junmyeon looked so damn serious with what he just said. The taller of the two clenched his teeth in dislike. His missing shirt was worn by Junmyeon, and dammit, the former looked really hot in it. If only they weren’t in this kind of situation... Yifan mentally kicked himself. it wasn't the right moment.
“I’m sorry,” Yifan apologized, not knowing what else to say. “If you hate me for forcing yourself on you-“
“It’s not that...”
“It’s not?” Yifan repeated dumbly, flabbergasted. “Then-then why?”
Junmyeon let out a tired, sarcastic chuckle. One that didn't suit Junmyeon. “I just...I just don’t know how much longer I can live like this.”
Yifan was completely lost at the remark, but Junmyeon didn't seem to be joking. “Live like...what?”
“This,” Junmyeon waved his hands recklessly and Yifan was terrified the male would fall. “Like this... No matter what I do, there will always be something...”
“I...I don’t understand.”
Another bitter chuckle escaped Junmyeon's lips. “You don’t have to.”
“But I want to!” Yifan protested loudly, at the same time thinking if he would be able to step closer. “You’re precious to me, Junmyeon, and I want to know everything about you.”
Junmyeon’s eyes softened as he turned to Yifan, and Yifan had to stop walking. “You may not realize it, but you do know everything about me. It just always starts the moment you turn seventeen...”
Yifan visibly stiffened. “What...?”
Junmyeon wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, shaking his head feebly. He wasn’t looking at Yifan when he spoke, “We’re cursed, Yifan... I’ve lost count of how many times I lived a life with you, but you will never going to be mine...”
It occurred to Yifan then why everything about Junmyeon felt so familiar, but right now, Junmyeon's safety was much more important. Yifan simply listened mutely as he took another step closer.
“It sucks, having to be only one who realize the purpose of your existence... I tried so hard to run away, but every time, every single freaking time, the fate will play its cruel plot and it would always lead me back to you... And for some reason, it will always be on your seventeenth birthday... I will always know you even from when I was born, but you...you won't even know who I am...”
“Why...why would you run away from me?”
“Why? You’re asking me why? Because we’ll always be related by blood, that’s why,” Junmyeon whimpered sadly. "I love you so much, but we can't be together...we can't..."
“But-but if what you’re saying is true,” Yifan said, hoping that Junmyeon wouldn’t notice him taking another step closer. He really didn’t want Junmyeon to jump. “Then why didn’t you stay...? If we were related by blood just like you said, then it wouldn’t be a problem for us to be together, right...?”
“Didn't you think we try? We did that once, Yifan,” Junmyeon helplessly whispered. “We were miserable.” He turned to Yifan with a sad expression, and Yifan felt a terrible pang. “You were miserable... We’ve been through that once and I don’t want to go through it all again. It was really painful, Yifan. I don’t want to see you suffer...only me is enough...it's okay if I'm the only one who suffer...”
“But you suffer more than me,” Yifan said in a quiet tone as realization slowly dawned upon him. “You said, I always realize after my seventeenth birthday, right? Which means...that you have known all along before we even met. That you knew, you were born for me. But I do not know your existence until...oh god.”
Junmyeon smiled. “Yes... Fate must have really hated me, because I’m always born older than you...”
“Junmyeon,” Yifan firmly said just as he reached Junmyeon. He carefully extended a hand. “Please, take my hand. Please, don't even think about it. Just take it...”
Junmyeon’s lips were trembling and there was nothing more Yifan wanted to do but to kiss him senselessly right then. “I-I can’t...”
“You can,” Yifan encouraged him almost desperately. “Please, you can... Maybe this is a chance for us. You said we’ve always been related by blood, right? But do you realize that in this life, we’re not? We’re not, Junmyeon. It could be a sign...a sign for us to start over.”
“Don't you remember? We will be related once your sister and my brother get married...”
“Then just let them be!” Yifan groaned in frustration at Junmyeon's denial. “Please, I don’t... I don’t want to lose you. Please, Junmyeon, take my hand...”
Junmyeon wordlessly dropped his gaze to Yifan’s hand.
Please, please.
Junmyeon slowly shifted his eyes back to catch Yifan’s gaze.
Please take it. Please don’t leave me...again.
The corner of Junmyeon’s lips twitched into a painful smile, but there was sincerity all over his face. “I’m sorry, Yifan...”
No.
With that, Junmyeon jumped.
Yifan gasped and without thinking, he threw himself forward to catch Junmyeon.
A lot of things ran through Yifan’s mind as he fell together with Junmyeon. It happened in merely seconds, but Yifan was still able to read what Junmyeon was about to say.
We can’t be tog-
Yifan kissed Junmyeon right before they hit the ground.
v.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Sometimes his dreams were so intense that he snapped awake in the middle of the night, gasping like they really happened because everything felt so real. The other time, it was so painful and agonizing that he ended up crying in the morning.
Yifan didn’t know why he kept on dreaming. At first, his dream only happened once in a few weeks, but as he grew older, weekly became daily.
They said dreams came from one’s subconscious mind.
Perhaps it did.
If it was just a dream, Yifan would shrug it off. Heck, there was nothing special about a dream. It could mean anything. But his dreams were always, always about a certain someone, whether he liked it or not. Yifan didn’t know if it was subconscious or if it was because of the fact that he became aware of a certain someone.
When Yifan turned seventeen, he realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about the person he had been dreaming of.
Because that person was Junmyeon.
But the question was...
Who is Junmyeon?
***
Yifan despised turning seventeen.
Everyone in his family seemed to make a fuss about it, like it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened in life.
Sehun, his younger brother, was asking casually what would he want for his birthday. His mother asked what flavor would he want for his birthday cake. His father asked what kind of dress-code would he want on his birthday party-apparently his cousins and relatives would come over.
Yifan was a bit paranoid upon hearing that.
He didn’t know why he was so scared, but Yifan dared himself to ask his parents if they have a family member named Junmyeon. He even asked Sehun if his boyfriend, Yixing, happened to have a relative with the same name, and fortunately, there didn’t seem to be someone named Junmyeon in their families.
Yifan didn’t know why, but he was very relieved at that fact.
***
Several weeks prior to his birthday, Yifan had a lot of nightmares.
All of his dreams were about the death of a beautiful person, whom he believed was named Junmyeon.
Yifan didn’t know why he had been having dreams-and now nightmares-about Junmyeon in the first place. Lately, the only thing he dreamt about was the death of Junmyeon, of how the male decided to end his life in various ways. Yifan could feel the unreleased anger and desperation every time Junmyeon stabbed his own skin with a sharp knife, or when he intentionally took too many sleeping pills.
Sometimes the emotions were so real that Yifan felt like killing himself, too.
But whenever he woke up, Yifan told himself that he would find this Junmyeon and make him happy, no matter what happened.
The determination of finding Junmyeon was bigger than the urge to end his life every time the nightmares happened. Something evil told him that he would never survive the age of seventeen, but Yifan didn’t plan to give up. He would struggle to live.
I will find you, Junmyeon.
Yifan stopped having nightmares after he turned seventeen.
***
Several years had passed since then.
Without Yifan realizing it, he had just celebrated his twenty-first birthday.
His height grew even taller, making him feel like he was a giant amidst his friends and family. But then again, Sehun almost followed him when it came to height, so it probably ran in their blood.
Blood.
The word reminded him of something...but Yifan couldn’t recall what. His memory was hazy...
Sehun playfully told him that he should find a bride soon, and Yifan snorted to himself.
If it's not Junmyeon, I don't want to.
***
When Sehun told their parents about his plan to marry Yixing this year, Yifan was already twenty-four years old.
Yifan noticed the uncomfortable gazes his parents gave him. He knew they were happy about Sehun, but he also knew that they were thinking of ‘Isn’t it too soon for Sehun?’ Or something like ‘Shouldn’t Yifan marry first?’ But who was Yifan to get in Sehun’s way? If his younger brother decided that Yixing was the one, so be it.
Soon his family was arranging the party, and Yifan was entrusted with the guest lists. The memories of something similar came through Yifan’s mind, but he couldn’t remember more. Had he worked on a wedding before...? Nonetheless, Yifan felt happy for Sehun.
“Hyung? Are you okay?”
Yifan blinked rapidly and turned his head to stare at Sehun. His brother was looking at him in a weird way. Yifan smiled and shook his head in return. “I’m okay.”
Sehun didn’t look convinced. “Are you sure? You’ve been spacing out...”
“Ah, it’s just...it feels familiar. I don’t know.”
“Hmm,” Sehun hummed thoughtfully. “Do you think I should wait for you to get married first...?”
“Don’t be silly, Sehun. I don’t want to get in your way. If you’re determined about Yixing, then do it.”
Sehun slowly broke into a wide grin. “I guess...”
Yifan shrugged casually. “Besides, I’m going to marry him.”
“Who’s...him?”
“That guy in my dream.”
“Oh,” Sehun responded flatly with an expression that said, Yeah, sure, we all have that one dream person. “But what if he never comes?”
“Then I’ll just have to wait for him.”
Yifan smiled, feeling content with what he just said.
“Even in another life...”
End.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
But this time, his dream came true.
Yifan caught a familiar figure in the crowd that day. It could be anyone, but his hunch told him to run after the person. He had been dreaming for so long that Yifan just couldn’t wait until everything became real. Yifan was tired of just having dreams.
So he did run after him.
The moment Yifan grabbed the person’s wrist, it felt painfully familiar. The male before him immediately spun around in confusion, his beautiful black orbs glared at Yifan questioningly. Yifan knew he should apologize, but he could do nothing but stare. It shocked Yifan greatly when he realized that it really was the man in his dream.
The man he unconsciously fell in love with.
Yifan swallowed thickly. “J-Junmyeon...?”
Junmyeon raised his brows in awe and examined Yifan closely. “Yes...? Do I know you...? Have we met before...?”
“You don’t remember,” Yifan blurted without thinking and frowned. Wait, what was he talking about? “What’s your family name...?”
“Huh?”
“Please. I know it sounds strange, but I just need to know...”
Junmyeon hesitated for a moment, but he answered anyway. “Kim...Kim Junmyeon.”
Kim.
It was silly of Yifan to feel so excited upon knowing the male’s family name, and he had no idea why. All he knew was that hope started to grow within him, and he didn’t want to let go.
Not this time.
“You...you don’t happen to have any relatives to the Wu family, right?”
“Wu family?” Junmyeon batted his eyelashes rapidly, obviously lost with Yifan’s sudden questions. “Um, not that I know of...”
“You mean we’re not related by blood? You’re certain about that, right?”
Junmyeon looked scared as he took a step back. “Um-“
“Wait,” Yifan pleaded in exasperation and Junmyeon obeyed wordlessly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just... I feel extremely happy to meet you, Junmyeon. It might be our first time...or not, I don’t know. Anyway, my name is Wu Yifan...”
“Yifan...?” Junmyeon repeated softly, albeit still a bit confused.
Yifan nodded in relief. Junmyeon didn’t seem to reject him entirely...
Junmyeon was so beautiful that Yifan felt he had been waiting for this moment for too long. The male bit his lower lip thoughtfully. Yifan was clearly nervous, but then he dared himself to take Junmyeon’s hand in his gently and said,
“Kim Junmyeon... Will you marry me...?”
I'm sorry ;;
Author: FloweryMisha
Pairing: KrisHo
Warning: BoyxBoy love. Enough said.
Summary: Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Author’s Note: This might be similar to Moments. I wrote this with a massive headache and the pain of losing someone dearly, I’m so sorry if this is awful ;; this is boring with repetion but you already know that. Oh, and please don’t read if you don’t like incest /gets slapped. Rushed unbeta-ed etc etc. And please, no translations allowed!
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
--Eleanor Roosevelt
i.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Sometimes his dreams were so intense that he snapped awake in the middle of the night, gasping like they really happened because everything
felt so real. The other time, it was so painful and agonizing that he ended up crying in the morning.
Yifan didn’t know why he kept on dreaming. At first, his dream only happened once in a few weeks, but as he grew older, weekly became daily.
They said dreams came from one’s subconscious mind.
Perhaps it did.
If it was just a dream, Yifan would shrug it off. Heck, there was nothing special about a dream. It could mean anything. But his dreams were always, always about a certain someone, whether he liked it or not. Yifan didn’t know if it was subconscious or if it was because of the fact that he became aware of a certain someone.
When Yifan turned seventeen, he realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about the person he had been dreaming of.
Because that person was Junmyeon.
His step-father.
***
When his mother told him that she would remarry, Yifan didn’t think it would be a problem.
She never really cared about him anyway.
In a few weeks, Yifan would turn seventeen, and then all he had to do was to find a university with a dorm. That, or get a job. Anything to get away from home.
Besides, he had a feeling his mother’s new marriage wouldn’t last. Either her new boyfriend was just as dumb as her, or he was extremely drunk when he agreed to marry her. Yifan wouldn’t even bother to get to know the man.
It became a problem when Junmyeon was introduced as his new father.
Yifan was shocked, because Junmyeon was definitely different than his mother’s previous boyfriends. Junmyeon looked nice. Junmyeon looked
kind-hearted. Junmyeon looked...
...decent.
At first, Yifan didn’t think that he would get along with Junmyeon, but he did. He never thought Junmyeon would care about him. Despite the fact
that their status was merely step-father and step-son, Junmyeon treated Yifan like he was his own son. It didn’t take a long time for Yifan to feel fond of Junmyeon. His step-father’s way of speaking was a bit cautious, especially when he was with Yifan, but it was all right.
Yifan was glad for his presence. Junmyeon was definitely younger than his mother, but he seemed more mature than her. Yifan cared about him. He cared about Junmyeon so much. He cared about him so much that perhaps his feelings had surpassed the line.
I want to protect you, Junmyeon.
***
Unfortunately, Yifan’s hunch was never wrong.
When he found out that his mother was cheating on Junmyeon, he got pissed off.
Yifan was angry, but he was even angrier at Junmyeon because the older male didn’t seem to mind. Junmyeon wasn’t dumb, of course he would’ve found out about his mother’s affair from the start, but he did nothing to stop it. Yifan was loss at words at the fact. One was supposed to be angry when they found out that their partner was cheating, but apparently, not Junmyeon.
His mother rarely came home anymore, but instead of feeling indignant, Yifan felt relieved. He was relieved, because at least that way, Junmyeon wouldn’t feel hurt anymore. And even if Junmyeon ever felt hurt, he made a very good job of not showing it.
Even though Junmyeon was older, Yifan won when it came to height.
Lately, Yifan had been thinking about what would it feel like if he pulled Junmyeon into a hug. The male’s lithe figure would probably fit in his arms. There were times when Yifan felt like catching Junmyeon’s wrist and hugged him, but he always managed to snap out of the ridiculous thoughts before it happened.
Although it should be natural for someone to hug their father...right?
Including step-father?
***
“Happy birthday, Yifan!”
Junmyeon's cheerful voice greeted Yifan when the latter got home. Yifan blinked momentarily at that before realizing that today was really his birthday. He didn’t even remember! The tall male broke into a grin as he stepped inside.
He chuckled at Junmyeon’s attempt to decorate the house. There were balloons everywhere on the wall. The colors were bright, but the way Junmyeon placed the balloons were somewhat sloppy. Still, it made Yifan grin. He was happy that Junmyeon remembered.
“Thank you. But...don’t you think it’s too childish for sweet seventeen?”
Junmyeon pouted. “I knew you’d say that.”
“Just kidding,” Yifan laughed heartily. He put his bag on an empty chair and rubbed his hands together, his eyes gleaming at the view of his birthday cake on the table. The cake was a bit too big for the two of them. “Is my mother home...?”
“Ah. She went out with her friend,” Junmyeon’s expression dimmed as he shook his head. “I’m sorry, Yifan. I tried to coax her into staying, but she refused...”
Yifan shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal if she's not here. Besides, I got you, and that is enough.”
There was something about the way Junmyeon stared at Yifan when the latter said those words. Junmyeon smiled, and his smile indicated that he felt grateful of what Yifan had just said.
"Thank you."
But really, Yifan was the one who felt more grateful for Junmyeon's presence.
Why does it have to be my mom instead of me...?
Instinctively, Yifan reached for Junmyeon to hug him. It was just an expression of gratitude. The hug was supposed to be two, three seconds the longest, but when Junmyeon leaned even closer to Yifan, his fingers digging into Yifan's sleeve, the feeling of familiarity seeped into the taller male’s skin.
Like it was how it was supposed to be.
“Happy birthday, Yifan...”
Junmyeon’s soft voice was muffled against Yifan’s chest. Yifan couldn't think clearly after that. He hooked his fingers underneath Junmyeon’s chin, forcing the older male to look up. Junmyeon simply obeyed and he gazed silently at Yifan. Their lips were inches apart, and Yifan didn’t think he would care if he would go to hell for having the thought of kissing his step-father.
It was just a thought.
Yifan licked his lips before pressing their mouths together. He noticed how Junmyeon fluttered his eyes close when they kissed, and a shiver went down Yifan's spine when he realized that Junmyeon didn't do anything about it.
If only Junmyeon fought back.
If only Junmyeon pushed him away...
But Junmyeon didn’t, and Yifan was mentally glad for that. What started first as shy kisses had gotten so deep that Yifan could feel himself consumed by lust. Kisses weren’t enough. He wanted more. He needed more...
This is wrong.
A loud gasp escaped Junmyeon’s mouth when Yifan’s hand trailed downward.
No, this is right.
“Yifan-“
Junmyeon hissed when Yifan bit his lower lip, as a warning for the older male to say nothing. Junmyeon flinched beneath Yifan when the latter’s fingers slipped inside his underwear, touching him intentionally.
You’re mine from the start.
“I’m not stopping,” Yifan stated, although Junmyeon never told him to stop. “I’m not stopping...Junmyeon.”
“Don’t call my name like that, Yifan,” Junmyeon cried weakly. “Just don’t...”
“You could’ve left,” Yifan pressed his forehead against Junmyeon’s, feeling the heat of their bodies rising. Still, their kisses didn't stop. “My mother has hurt you. You could’ve left, but you chose to stay. Why did you stay...?”
Junmyeon threw his head back when Yifan’s thumb caressed his sensitive part. His breathing became ragged, and Yifan had a feeling he was close. Not long after that, Junmyeon came in Yifan’s hand, crying. He didn't give Yifan any answer, but it was all right. At least at the moment. Junmyeon was all Yifan needed, and it was enough.
"Yifan..."
Yifan’s chest tightened upon hearing the male’s cry. He kissed Junmyeon’s tears away, and for an unknown reason, his heartbeat refused to slow down. Yifan was still staring at Junmyeon when the latter sobbed softly against his chest.
Junmyeon was too damn beautiful.
***
The next morning, Yifan woke up with a hope that he would be able to start everything new with Junmyeon. They would talk about everything, and Yifan hoped that Junmyeon was still willing to stay, even if it was just the two of them.
But it was just a dream.
Everything felt like crashing down when Yifan found Junmyeon’s lifeless body in the bathroom. The bathtub was filled with red liquid, and it didn’t take a genius to know what Junmyeon had done to himself.
But Yifan didn’t understand.
Why...?
Yifan blankly gazed at the knife beside Junmyeon’s feet. He carefully took the sharp item. Yifan threw one last gaze to Junmyeon before stabbing the knife into his veins.
ii.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Sometimes his dreams were so intense that he snapped awake in the middle of the night, gasping like they really happened because everything felt so real. The other time, it was so painful and agonizing that he ended up crying in the morning.
Yifan didn’t know why he kept on dreaming. At first, his dream only happened once in a few weeks, but as he grew older, weekly became daily.
They said dreams came from one’s subconscious mind.
Perhaps it did.
If it was just a dream, Yifan would shrug it off. Heck, there was nothing special about a dream. It could mean anything. But his dreams were always, always about a certain someone, whether he liked it or not. Yifan didn’t know if it was subconscious or if it was because of the fact that he became aware of a certain someone.
When Yifan turned seventeen, he realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about the person he had been dreaming of.
Because that person was Junmyeon.
His older brother.
***
Funny how Yifan and Junmyeon were brothers, but there was distance between them.
Their age difference was only a year, but Yifan always felt like he couldn’t catch up with Junmyeon.
Junmyeon was everything his parents ever wanted.
The older male got the looks, he got the brain, he got everything. Junmyeon was perfect. Heck, Yifan wasn’t sure if perfect was the right word, because it was an understatement. Flawless suit him more.
Everyone was proud of Junmyeon. As the younger brother, of course Yifan felt proud too of him. But no matter what Yifan did to get closer to Junmyeon, the latter never allowed him to. Every attempt Yifan made was easily dodged by Junmyeon. Now that Yifan thought about it, they never even had a conversation. It was a privilege to have one. Worse, Junmyeon wouldn’t even make an eye-contact with him.
It didn’t bother Yifan at first. He had always thought that Junmyeon was just not paying attention to him. Yifan accepted the rejection easily when he was younger, but not now. As they grew older, it was obvious that Junmyeon was ignoring him, and it annoyed the hell out of Yifan.
Yifan became restless.
Why did his own brother wouldn’t look at him? What did he do wrong?
As if it wasn’t enough, Junmyeon chose to stay in the dorm when he got accepted in the university, away from him. Yifan knew he was
overreacting, because perhaps it was a requirement from the university, but even when he tried to get a hold of him, Junmyeon would always reject his call. His older brother would send him a text, saying that he was busy at the moment or that he was with a friend.
Yifan should’ve taken the hint that Junmyeon didn’t want to talk to him.
But Yifan didn’t give up.
He would never give up.
***
Yifan thought of a way to make Junmyeon talk to him.
He couldn’t think of any other way but to use his birthday as a reason.
The male asked for his parents to contact Junmyeon to go home to celebrate his birthday together. Junmyeon had agreed, but it was never in
Yifan’s plan to have his parents leaving so suddenly for an urgent matter.
Yifan thought his parents would’ve informed Junmyeon by then, but apparently they hadn’t. His face brightened the moment he saw his older brother smiling by the door, greeting that he was home, but that beautiful smile soon faltered when Junmyeon found out there was no one else but them at home. Yifan opened his mouth to explain, but Junmyeon quickly turned around, reaching for the door. The gesture made Yifan angry, and with two giant steps, he got to his brother.
Without thinking, Yifan pinned Junmyeon against the door. His brother let out a terrified gasp and the sound of his back meeting the door was a bit loud, but Yifan’s resolve didn’t waver.
He needed to sort things out.
“Yifan, let me go...”
“No.”
“Yifan...”
“Look at me, Hyung.”
Junmyeon whimpered weakly when Yifan grabbed his wrists a bit roughly. The younger of the two got the privilege to see the view of Junmyeon’s beautiful face, but it bothered Yifan that the latter kept his eyes shut. His brother was scared, that much was obvious. But what was he afraid of...?
Him...?
Annoyed, Yifan pushed Junmyeon onto the carpeted floor. Junmyeon cried in pain because he wasn’t ready at the sudden impact, but Yifan wasn’t affected. If anything, he was a bit desperate because even then, his brother still wouldn’t look at him.
Was he that disgusting?
What should I do to make you look at me...?
Unconsciously, Yifan dove to catch Junmyeon’s lips.
Something within him literally exploded upon tasting Junmyeon’s soft lips, but what made him smile was the fact that Junmyeon cracked his eyes open.
“Yi-Yifan, what are you-“
“Kissing you,” Yifan murmured in relieved as he kissed Junmyeon again. “Finally, finally, Hyung...you look at me...”
“B-but-“
“You’re here to celebrate my birthday, right?”
Junmyeon was unable to retort anything at the question. No. It was more like a statement. He simply gazed at Yifan, visible patches of pink were across his cheeks. Junmyeon’s wrists were held tightly by Yifan above his head, which seemed awfully tiny for an eighteen years old.
The view underneath him was undeniably breathtaking.
Yifan almost forgot how to breathe because dear god, Junmyeon was staring at him with his black orbs and he had never seen something so beautiful before. Junmyeon, his brother, was so damn perfect and it got Yifan to feel so inexplicably jealous, because...
Junmyeon was his from the start.
Yifan’s heartbeat was so loud in his ears, he wondered if Junmyeon was able to hear it. Instead of letting Junmyeon go, Yifan tightened his grip around Junmyeon’s tiny wrists, leaning down to press their lips together again. He witnessed how Junmyeon’s face scrunched up, but he did nothing to push Yifan away. If anything, it seemed like Junmyeon gave up struggling underneath Yifan.
“Yifan,” Junmyeon said weakly between their kisses. “Enough.”
“No,” Yifan stubbornly shook his head. “It took me seventeen years to have you look at me. I’m not going to let this opportunity to slip away...”
“Don’t be silly, I used to look at you when you were little...”
“Then why did you stop?”
Junmyeon visibly stiffened and he forced himself to look away.
“Don’t you dare look away from me, Hyung. Why did you stop? Why did you make me feel like this?”
Junmyeon sighed. “...it was too much. Looking at you...was too much, Yifan...”
Yifan frowned. “I don’t...I don’t understand.”
“You don’t have to,” Junmyeon smiled sadly. He lifted his face to look at Yifan, and his gaze softened when their eyes locked. “Yifan...you’ve grown a lot. You’re heavy...”
It got the two of them to chuckle. Yifan couldn’t help but feeling very happy at their situation. Junmyeon was staring at him. Junmyeon was laughing with him. Yifan dreamily brought one of Junmyeon’s wrists to his lips, kissing it lightly.
“Happy birthday,” Junmyeon whispered. This time, he was the first one to kiss Yifan. Their lips softly touched and Yifan’s defense came crumbling down.
“I love you, Hyung.”
Junmyeon shook his head weakly. “Don’t say that unless you mean it...”
“What...what did you mean by that? Of course I mean it.”
“As a brother, right...?”
The look Junmyeon had was unreadable, and it felt like an invisible stab to Yifan’s chest.
Yifan didn’t understand. As a brother...?
Junmyeon felt Yifan’s grip loosening and he took the chance to free himself. The older of the two caressed his wrist like it had been cuffed. Yifan’s grip was surely deathly. Junmyeon pulled himself up and headed to the door.
“I should get going...”
“Wait. You should stay for the night-“
“Goodbye, Yifan.”
***
The next morning, Yifan got the news that Junmyeon killed himself.
He only watched as his parents crying and mourning of their beloved son.
Yifan’s heart sank deeply. It was as if a part of him was taken away from him by force.
He didn’t understand. Last night everything was all right... The memories of Junmyeon's warm lips still lingered...
Why...?
Are you so disgusted with me...?
Yifan was so confused that he cut his wrist without thinking, watching silently as the blood gushed out.
As his consciousness slipped away, he remembered wishing for one thing.
Please, Hyung, let me love you properly...
iii.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Sometimes his dreams were so intense that he snapped awake in the middle of the night, gasping like they really happened because everything felt so real. The other time, it was so painful and agonizing that he ended up crying in the morning.
Yifan didn’t know why he kept on dreaming. At first, his dream only happened once in a few weeks, but as he grew older, weekly became daily.
They said dreams came from one’s subconscious mind.
Perhaps it did.
If it was just a dream, Yifan would shrug it off. Heck, there was nothing special about a dream. It could mean anything. But his dreams were always, always about a certain someone, whether he liked it or not. Yifan didn’t know if it was subconscious or if it was because of the fact that he became aware of a certain someone.
When Yifan turned seventeen, he realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about the person he had been dreaming of.
Because that person was Junmyeon.
His own cousin.
***
“He’s here to see you again, Yifan.”
Yifan had just thrown the ball into the hoop when Chanyeol spoke. The ball went in smoothly and Yifan glanced over his shoulder to look at who Chanyeol was talking about. A smile was etched across his face upon seeing Junmyeon in one of the seats.
“Yeah...”
“And there you go, smiling dumbly again every time he’s here.”
“What’s wrong with smiling after seeing my own cousin?” Yifan rolled his eyes and smacked Chanyeol playfully on the shoulder. “There isn’t a rule about that.”
“There isn’t, but you look like you’re in love,” Chanyeol replied mockingly and jerked his chin toward Yifan “Come on, have a one on one with me!”
“Don’t cry if you lose again like last time.”
“You wish!”
Yifan laughed as Chanyeol passed him the ball. He sneaked a glance at the general direction of Junmyeon, and suddenly, his fighting spirit boosted.
***
When Yifan was little, he had heard stories about Junmyeon. They had never met before, but judging from the stories his mother told him, Junmyeon sounded like he was a good person.
That was why when his mother told him that Junmyeon was going to enroll in the same school as him, Yifan was somewhat excited. He was the only child, and most of their families lived in Canada or China, so the thought of having an additional family member in their house made him happy.
Yifan made a long list of plans on where to take Junmyeon. He would take him out to basketball matches, or even better, teach Junmyeon how to play. They would go to the movies every weekend, hopefully Junmyeon liked the movies that he chose. Since Junmyeon was older than him, he would probably have girl problems...not that it was a big deal. Yifan would want him to come to him if he ever had any girl problems (and that he should probably go to Luhan if it was math problems).
But those plans vanished instantly the moment Yifan laid his eyes on Junmyeon.
Junmyeon arrived in Korea the same day with Yifan’s birthday. It seemed like Junmyeon had changed the schedule of his flight, because his parents were supposed to pick him up the next day. Yifan and his parents were in the middle of blowing candles and slicing cakes when the doorbell rang.
His parents were flabbergasted, but they welcomed Junmyeon warmly while Yifan merely froze in his track. It wasn’t polite to stare, but Yifan was captured by Junmyeon’s looks. The first time this kind of thing happened to Yifan was when he met Luhan. He had always thought that Luhan was the only person who walked out of a manga, but Junmyeon...
Junmyeon...
...was an angel came to life.
“Yifan? What are you doing? Come here and greet your cousin!”
Yifan jerked out of his daze, feeling a bit taken aback when Junmyeon stared deeply at him. Junmyeon had beautiful black orbs...familiar, beautiful eyes... Yifan was examining the rest of Junmyeon’s face when the latter tilted his head to one side and smiled kindly.
“Hello, Yifan...”
Yifan’s sanity was almost damaged.
***
It had been a few days since Junmyeon lived together with his family.
Yifan had always tried to establish a decent conversation with Junmyeon, but after a while, he realized that Junmyeon would only look at him whenever they had dinner with their parents. When it was just the two of them and Yifan was talking to him, Junmyeon would reply, but his line of sight was directed to someplace else.
To be honest, it bothered Yifan, but perhaps Junmyeon was comfortable that way.
So he didn’t mind.
Which was why Yifan was so happy when Junmyeon started coming over to watch him practice basketball.
Junmyeon was pretty, so pretty that it got the other members to pause their activities and took more than a moment to check Junmyeon out. While they were busy ogling over Junmyeon, Yifan didn’t know why he felt extremely angry about it. Fortunately, he was also the Captain, so he had the right to groan in distaste and yelled at the other members to pay attention to the practice.
Chanyeol was the first one to find out that Junmyeon was Yifan’s cousin, and with that amount of information, it was enough to make everyone hesitate about asking Junmyeon out.
Even though Junmyeon came a lot to watch him practicing, he never stayed until the practice was done.
Whenever the coach said their practice was done for the day, Yifan found himself searching for the older male’s presence in one of the seats, but Junmyeon was nowhere to be found. It would be a lie to say that Yifan wasn’t disappointed, but as days went by, it kept on happening that way. Slowly, but surely, Yifan was getting used to it.
Yifan was happy, because his cousin actually cared about him.
Perhaps...perhaps Junmyeon was just too shy to show it.
***
It was one of the days when the weather was terribly hot. Junmyeon was nowhere to be found, but it was all right, since Yifan wouldn’t want him to be tanned like Jongin, one of his members.
Yifan walked over to Chanyeol to start their warming up. His friend looked slightly bothered, but Yifan didn’t really want to ask. Perhaps he had a bad test result. However, Chanyeol finally opened his mouth to speak.
“Yo, Yifan?”
Yifan only hummed in reply as he continued to stretch out his hands.
“You will probably kill me, but...”
Yifan raised his eyebrows in curiosity.
“...do you know if Junmyeon is seeing anyone at the moment?”
“You’re right, I’m so gonna kill you,” Yifan growled indignantly.
“Oh my god, your face is so ugly,” Chanyeol scrunched up his face to copy Yifan’s expression. “Does it mean he’s dating someone? But you don’t like the girl?” Before Yifan got the chance to react, Chanyeol continued casually. “Or the boy?”
The...boy?
Yifan gawked in surprise at Chanyeol as he stopped moving. He heard the coach scolding him for stopping, but he didn’t care at the moment. Subconsciously, Yifan curled his fingers into a fist. The thought of Junmyeon dating someone else bugged him to no end, and he didn’t know why.
Moreover, a boy.
Chanyeol awkwardly waved a hand in front of Yifan’s face. “Earth to Yifan, earth to Yifan...you should continue warming up, the coach is glaring at you right now.”
Yifan quickly nodded and resumed stretching out his hands. “He’s not-he’s not dating anyone... Not that I know of.”
I will never allow it.
“Ah, good to hear that,” Chanyeol immediately grinned, too innocent to Yifan’s liking. “I can ask him out then.”
“You what???” Yifan shouted in shock, halting his movement once again. “Chanyeol!!”
“Wu Yifan!!” The coach yelled in annoyance. “You run the field five laps!!”
***
Chanyeol disappeared as soon as the practice ended.
Yifan didn’t have the time to talk to him even between practice, because they were in a different team today.
What Chanyeol had said to him was unacceptable. On his way home, Yifan held the urge to kick everything that moved. He didn’t know why he got so irritated at the fact that Chanyeol wanted to ask Junmyeon out...
Dammit.
Yifan knew that Junmyeon and him rarely talked, but Junmyeon was his cousin, dammit. No one, no one should be able to get pass through him that easily. If they wanted to date Junmyeon, they had a wall called Yifan to climb first.
But...
Junmyeon wouldn’t even talk to him...
Now that Yifan thought about it, he himself didn’t know the answer. They lived under the same roof, their rooms were merely several doors apart, but why? Why wouldn’t Junmyeon talk to him like real cousins? Why wouldn’t Junmyeon look at him whenever they were together unless there was someone else...?
Why...?
Yifan quietly said ‘I’m home’ to no one in particular and closed the door behind him. He didn’t get any reply. The house felt empty. Yifan glanced at the shoe rack and he noticed his parents’ shoes weren’t there. They were probably out for an event...
...but Junmyeon’s were there.
Junmyeon was home.
Yifan didn’t waste any time. It was a good chance for them to talk. He quickened his steps, climbing three stairs at a time with his long legs. When Yifan reached Junmyeon’s door, he raised his fist to knock, but he hesitated halfway. Even if he did knock, and then what?
What was that he wanted to ask...? How to start everything...? How...?
“Hyung...?”
There was no answer.
“I know you’re in there...” Yifan said almost desperately as he rested his forehead against the wooden door. “Please, answer me...”
“Yes, Yifan...?”
Yifan breathed in relief at Junmyeon’s soft voice. You replied. He was tempted to barge in and confront Junmyeon, but he didn’t want to rush. He wasn’t even sure of what he felt... Yifan took a deep sigh before continuing, hoping that his tone would sound normal.
“Did Chanyeol...ask you out today?”
Yifan almost couldn’t stand the silence that followed. Just answer quickly, dammit. Don’t make me wait...please. Yifan squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his lips into a thin line, trying to understand the emotions he felt inside.
“...yes.”
Ouch.
“Did you say yes?”
“...why?”
Yifan frowned at the door. “Wh-what did you mean by ‘why’?”
“What does it matter to you if I said yes, Yifan...?”
Yifan winced. Those words were simple, but they got to Yifan deeply. The tall male’s throat became dry, because Junmyeon was right. What did it matter to him...? He should be happy regardless who Junmyeon chose. They were cousins, they were family, they were-
No.
Yifan placed a hand over his mouth.
I don’t want to be family.
“Because it’s supposed to be-“ Yifan’s eyes widened in shock. His mouth moved automatically by its own. What the hell was he thinking? “I’m-I’m sorry, Hyung. I’m leaving now.”
Just as Yifan turned around, the door swung open. Embarrassed and confused, Yifan planned to just leave, but Junmyeon caught his wrist on time, preventing him from going.
“It’s supposed to be...who?” Junmyeon asked quietly, his tone was laced slightly with hope.
Yifan dragged a hand down his face. His face was hot, burning from all of the shame, but it was too late. Yifan finally understood what he was going through, and he was going to face it. So he spun around to look at Junmyeon, and his heart almost stopped beating when Junmyeon looked back at him.
When it was just the two of them.
Yifan swallowed.
“It’s supposed to be me...”
***
Their lips reconnected for the umpteenth time.
Strange, because it was the first time for Yifan to touch Junmyeon-heck, it was his first time of touching anyone-but it felt...right. Yifan missed this, this...person. But no, that was not possible...it was probably just a feeling... He had never met Junmyeon before this...
They did nothing but kiss.
Just as Yifan slid his hand underneath Junmyeon’s shirt, the latter shook his head.
"Wait, it's-it's too soon..."
Yifan smiled apologetically, but Junmyeon's words made him so happy. It meant that Junmyeon didn't mind with what they had, and Yifan almost cried in relief. Yes, it was too soon. They had all the time they needed...
They fell asleep hugging each other that night, and Yifan didn't think he had ever slept so soundly before.
***
It turned out that Junmyeon really did say yes to Chanyeol.
Chanyeol’s happy face annoyed Yifan that he felt like punching the life out of his friend, but there was nothing he could do. He simply forced himself to smile and wished him a great relationship with his cousin-not forgetting to add that he would kill Chanyeol if he ever, ever hurt Junmyeon.
It was okay.
Because at the end of the day, Junmyeon would still be Yifan’s.
It must have been a cruel fate that same day when Yifan witnessed Chanyeol kissing Junmyeon after the practice was done.
Junmyeon’s eyes widened when he saw Yifan was watching. Yifan put on a blank face, inwardly telling himself that it was all right, that he could claim Junmyeon the moment they got home. He pretended that he was not bothered at all and walked away, leaving Junmyeon alone to have his moment with Chanyeol. If only Yifan had run after Junmyeon...
That night, Junmyeon didn’t come home.
That night, Yifan got a call that informed him that Junmyeon was no longer breathing.
That night, Yifan ended his life.
iv.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Sometimes his dreams were so intense that he snapped awake in the middle of the night, gasping like they really happened because everything
felt so real. The other time, it was so painful and agonizing that he ended up crying in the morning.
Yifan didn’t know why he kept on dreaming. At first, his dream only happened once in a few weeks, but as he grew older, weekly became daily.
They said dreams came from one’s subconscious mind.
Perhaps it did.
If it was just a dream, Yifan would shrug it off. Heck, there was nothing special about a dream. It could mean anything. But his dreams were always, always about a certain someone, whether he liked it or not. Yifan didn’t know if it was subconscious or if it was because of the fact that he became aware of a certain someone.
When Yifan turned seventeen, he realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about the person he had been dreaming of.
Because that person was Junmyeon.
The brother of his older sister’s fiance.
***
When Yifan’s parents announced that it was time for Jessica to marry, no one looked surprised.
Jessica had just turned twenty several months ago, and as the first child of the Wu family, it was expected. If she could choose, she wouldn’t want to get married, of course. But just like any other story, there was nothing she could do but to obey. Jessica always said yes. She was always obedient.
Besides, there was no way their parents would hook her up with someone that would disgrace their family. Whoever it was, the male definitely had to come from a family that was just as wealthy as them. Because in their type of family, pride was everything.
Jessica prepared herself for the worst, but when Taecyeon was introduced formally to their family, the pretty girl looked totally captivated.
It was probably love at first sight, and Yifan could easily see why.
Taecyeon was well built. The way he spoke indicated that he was well-mannered and gentle. Yifan almost rolled his eyes when he saw his sister staring boldly. But then again, which women wouldn’t fall for such a gorgeous figure?
“And this is my brother, Junmyeon...”
Jessica’s dreamy expression faltered slightly upon seeing the smaller figure behind Taecyeon’s tall body.
If Taecyeon was the perfect epitome of manliness, then the male named Junmyeon was...quite the opposite. They looked alike, but they were so different at the same time. Junmyeon had a slender, shorter figure, beautiful face, compared to Taecyeon.
Yifan frowned to himself.
Junmyeon nodded and bloomed into a smile before bowing respectfully to their family.
The smile was meant for Jessica and his parents, but not for him.
Junmyeon did not look at Yifan.
***
During the preparation for Jessica and Taecyeon’s wedding, Junmyeon had never talked to Yifan, not even once.
It bugged Yifan because whenever they had family meeting, Junmyeon never said a word to him. No one else seemed to notice it, though. Was it just Yifan’s imagination, then...? But...no, Yifan knew he was right about this.
Junmyeon never even lifted up his face to look at Yifan, and that was a fact.
Yifan lazily glanced at his reflection in the mirror. The male puffed his cheeks in annoyance for a moment. Was his face that scary so that Junmyeon refused to look at him?
That night, Yifan had been working on the guest lists that he ended up falling asleep in the living room. When the grandfather’s clock chimed loudly at midnight, Yifan snapped awake in surprise. The male sleepily rubbed his eyes and let out a deep breath as he blinked in confusion. Realizing that he was still in the living room, Yifan relaxed his shoulders and shifted to get a more comfortable position on the couch. He decided to continue working on the guest list tomorrow.
I should sleep...
Within seconds, the tall male’s eyelids became heavy.
No, I shouldn’t sleep here...
But if he did, no one was going to scold him anyway... With that in mind, Yifan slowly gave in to exhaustion, his eyes were closing and he fell into a deep slumber the next second.
He was so close.
It only took another step to enter the dream land, but someone had to ruin it by stepping into the room.
The sound of the door creaking was so faint, but it was enough to send Yifan back to life. However, Yifan was feeling very tired that he was too lazy to open his eyes. He hoped whoever it was would just ignore him and go back to their room, leaving him to sleep in peace.
The room was so quiet that Yifan became aware of the light footsteps on the carpet. His wish to be left alone was just a wishful thinking as the person approched him. The corner of his eyes twitched as Yifan sensed a warm presence beside him.
Who...?
Yifan waited, still pretending to be asleep, even though his sleepiness had vanished completely by then.
“You always work hard...”
Yifan held his breath.
"Yifan..."
Junmyeon...?
His heartbeat quickened when he heard Junmyeon’s voice. Yifan chose not to respond. The other male’s voice was so soothing that it could make Yifan instantly fall back asleep. His heart accelerated even faster when Junmyeon carefully brushed Yifan’s hair, his slender fingers ended up resting on Yifan’s cheek.
“Happy birthday, Yifan...”
What...?
And then Junmyeon kissed him.
His eyes were closed and there was only darkness, but Yifan swore he saw millions of fireworks. The way Junmyeon pressed his lips against his was so gentle, it made Yifan’s heart ache. Junmyeon kept on kissing him and unconsciously, Yifan gripped the armrest tightly, not knowing what to do. His mind was still working from all of the sensation, wondering if it was real. But as Junmyeon continued to kiss him like there was no tomorrow, Yifan finally grabbed Junmyeon’s wrist to hold him close without warning, causing the beautiful male to gasp.
“Yifan! You-you were awake?”
Yifan didn’t answer. He was still breathless from their kisses.
Neither of them said anything for the longest time, but to simply lock their eyes.
Beautiful.
For the first time in his life, Yifan felt a painful longing stabbing his chest. It wasn’t just painful, but the worst one ever. Junmyeon’s face...Junmyeon’s gaze...it was all so familiar that something within Yifan cried in confusion.
What was it that he felt...?
“Have we met before this...?”
Junmyeon flinched, but he didn’t answer.
“How did you know my birthday...?”
Yifan stubbornly tugged Junmyeon closer.
“Why did you kiss me...?”
Junmyeon was now trapped within Yifan’s arms. The older male said nothing even when he was already in Yifan’s lap, his lips parted slightly as he looked away. Junmyeon’s chest was moving rapidly, his cheeks were pink and his breath was uneven, but still, no words came out.
Damn it.
Yifan must be out of his mind when he decided to be the first one to kiss Junmyeon this time.
Just one more time...
‘One more time’ turned to ‘countless times’, because the feeling of Junmyeon’s lips on his was addicting. Yifan had never kissed anyone ever before, but why did he have a feeling that it wasn’t their first time...?
“Yifan, wait,” Junmyeon pushed Yifan away weakly. “This-this isn’t right...our siblings are getting married-“
“You’re right,” Yifan said with a serious expression, his grip didn't loosen. “My room, then.”
“That’s not what I-“
Yifan was in no mood to argue. He simply stood up and pressed a finger against his lips as he dragged Junmyeon away.
Junmyeon tried to talk some sense into Yifan, but Yifan wouldn’t have it. Their fingers were intertwined the whole way, and Yifan felt like it wasn’t the first time for him to hold Junmyeon’s hand. Yifan was attacked with a lot of strange emotions that night, but what he felt the most was the feeling of missing Junmyeon so badly like they had been separated for years. It got the tall male to frown, what had gotten into him that he felt extremely possessive of the beautiful male?
To think that they had never talked before...
Yifan didn’t forget to lock the door as soon as they stepped into his bedroom. The taller of the two easily pinned Junmyeon on his bed.
“Yifan-“
“There’s no turning back,” Yifan shook his head, strongly determined. “You’re mine, Junmyeon.”
Junmyeon’s expression changed the moment Yifan said those words. Yifan readied himself to hear more protest, but unexpectedly, Junmyeon closed his eyes in defeat, letting Yifan took control of him.
So Yifan did.
Yifan wanted to think that he was experienced, but he had never done this before. The muffled, pleased mewls that escaped Junmyeon’s lips excited Yifan. Something within him told him that he knew every inch of Junmyeon’s body, where Junmyeon’s exact sensitive spots were, but Yifan had no idea how. All he knew was that his inner part of him instinctively spoke that Junmyeon was his, and that he was the only person who had the right to touch him.
It only took Yifan several thrusts to hit Junmyeon’s sweet spot.
What happened the rest of that seemed like a dream came true. Yifan could feel his self swelling with pride when Junmyeon cling to him. It was beautiful, everything was beautiful, but Junmyeon crying his name was certainly the most beautiful view Yifan had ever seen.
Just as they both reached their climax, Yifan made sure to hold Junmyeon close to him, because he had a feeling that Junmyeon would leave him as soon as it was done.
And it was funny, considering that they had never talked before...
But for some reason, Yifan was very, very afraid.
***
It was almost dawn when Yifan regained his consciousness back.
He moved his arm to feel Junmyeon beside him, but a shiver went down his spine when it touched nothing but a cold sheet.
Fear quickly grew inside Yifan as he hastily sat up, because dammit, why did this always happen??
Wait. Always...?
The first thing that came to Yifan’s mind was to check Junmyeon’s in the kitchen, because knives... Yifan felt all of his strength draining at the scary thought. He quickly slid off of the bed and reached for his clothes. It occured to him for a second that his shirt was missing, but Yifan didn’t really pay attention as he put on his pants.
Just as Yifan was about to dash out of his bedroom, it was then he realized that the door to the balcony was opened. He halted abruptly, wondering if he forgot to close it last night... Yifan spun around and walked across to reach for the door handle, but the view of Junmyeon standing by himself in the balcony made his knees weak. The male sighed gratefully as he stepped outside, calling out the beautiful male's name.
“Junmyeon?”
Junmyeon was obviously shocked by Yifan’s sudden voice. But Yifan was even more shocked at the fact that Junmyeon seemed ready to jump from the balcony.
“What the fuck-get off there!”
“No!!” Junmyeon vigorously shook his head as a warning. “Don’t come any closer, Yifan!!”
“Junmyeon-“
“If you come closer, I won’t hesitate to jump!!!!”
Yifan stopped in his track only because Junmyeon looked so damn serious with what he just said. The taller of the two clenched his teeth in dislike. His missing shirt was worn by Junmyeon, and dammit, the former looked really hot in it. If only they weren’t in this kind of situation... Yifan mentally kicked himself. it wasn't the right moment.
“I’m sorry,” Yifan apologized, not knowing what else to say. “If you hate me for forcing yourself on you-“
“It’s not that...”
“It’s not?” Yifan repeated dumbly, flabbergasted. “Then-then why?”
Junmyeon let out a tired, sarcastic chuckle. One that didn't suit Junmyeon. “I just...I just don’t know how much longer I can live like this.”
Yifan was completely lost at the remark, but Junmyeon didn't seem to be joking. “Live like...what?”
“This,” Junmyeon waved his hands recklessly and Yifan was terrified the male would fall. “Like this... No matter what I do, there will always be something...”
“I...I don’t understand.”
Another bitter chuckle escaped Junmyeon's lips. “You don’t have to.”
“But I want to!” Yifan protested loudly, at the same time thinking if he would be able to step closer. “You’re precious to me, Junmyeon, and I want to know everything about you.”
Junmyeon’s eyes softened as he turned to Yifan, and Yifan had to stop walking. “You may not realize it, but you do know everything about me. It just always starts the moment you turn seventeen...”
Yifan visibly stiffened. “What...?”
Junmyeon wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, shaking his head feebly. He wasn’t looking at Yifan when he spoke, “We’re cursed, Yifan... I’ve lost count of how many times I lived a life with you, but you will never going to be mine...”
It occurred to Yifan then why everything about Junmyeon felt so familiar, but right now, Junmyeon's safety was much more important. Yifan simply listened mutely as he took another step closer.
“It sucks, having to be only one who realize the purpose of your existence... I tried so hard to run away, but every time, every single freaking time, the fate will play its cruel plot and it would always lead me back to you... And for some reason, it will always be on your seventeenth birthday... I will always know you even from when I was born, but you...you won't even know who I am...”
“Why...why would you run away from me?”
“Why? You’re asking me why? Because we’ll always be related by blood, that’s why,” Junmyeon whimpered sadly. "I love you so much, but we can't be together...we can't..."
“But-but if what you’re saying is true,” Yifan said, hoping that Junmyeon wouldn’t notice him taking another step closer. He really didn’t want Junmyeon to jump. “Then why didn’t you stay...? If we were related by blood just like you said, then it wouldn’t be a problem for us to be together, right...?”
“Didn't you think we try? We did that once, Yifan,” Junmyeon helplessly whispered. “We were miserable.” He turned to Yifan with a sad expression, and Yifan felt a terrible pang. “You were miserable... We’ve been through that once and I don’t want to go through it all again. It was really painful, Yifan. I don’t want to see you suffer...only me is enough...it's okay if I'm the only one who suffer...”
“But you suffer more than me,” Yifan said in a quiet tone as realization slowly dawned upon him. “You said, I always realize after my seventeenth birthday, right? Which means...that you have known all along before we even met. That you knew, you were born for me. But I do not know your existence until...oh god.”
Junmyeon smiled. “Yes... Fate must have really hated me, because I’m always born older than you...”
“Junmyeon,” Yifan firmly said just as he reached Junmyeon. He carefully extended a hand. “Please, take my hand. Please, don't even think about it. Just take it...”
Junmyeon’s lips were trembling and there was nothing more Yifan wanted to do but to kiss him senselessly right then. “I-I can’t...”
“You can,” Yifan encouraged him almost desperately. “Please, you can... Maybe this is a chance for us. You said we’ve always been related by blood, right? But do you realize that in this life, we’re not? We’re not, Junmyeon. It could be a sign...a sign for us to start over.”
“Don't you remember? We will be related once your sister and my brother get married...”
“Then just let them be!” Yifan groaned in frustration at Junmyeon's denial. “Please, I don’t... I don’t want to lose you. Please, Junmyeon, take my hand...”
Junmyeon wordlessly dropped his gaze to Yifan’s hand.
Please, please.
Junmyeon slowly shifted his eyes back to catch Yifan’s gaze.
Please take it. Please don’t leave me...again.
The corner of Junmyeon’s lips twitched into a painful smile, but there was sincerity all over his face. “I’m sorry, Yifan...”
No.
With that, Junmyeon jumped.
Yifan gasped and without thinking, he threw himself forward to catch Junmyeon.
A lot of things ran through Yifan’s mind as he fell together with Junmyeon. It happened in merely seconds, but Yifan was still able to read what Junmyeon was about to say.
We can’t be tog-
Yifan kissed Junmyeon right before they hit the ground.
v.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
Sometimes his dreams were so intense that he snapped awake in the middle of the night, gasping like they really happened because everything felt so real. The other time, it was so painful and agonizing that he ended up crying in the morning.
Yifan didn’t know why he kept on dreaming. At first, his dream only happened once in a few weeks, but as he grew older, weekly became daily.
They said dreams came from one’s subconscious mind.
Perhaps it did.
If it was just a dream, Yifan would shrug it off. Heck, there was nothing special about a dream. It could mean anything. But his dreams were always, always about a certain someone, whether he liked it or not. Yifan didn’t know if it was subconscious or if it was because of the fact that he became aware of a certain someone.
When Yifan turned seventeen, he realized that he couldn’t stop thinking about the person he had been dreaming of.
Because that person was Junmyeon.
But the question was...
Who is Junmyeon?
***
Yifan despised turning seventeen.
Everyone in his family seemed to make a fuss about it, like it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened in life.
Sehun, his younger brother, was asking casually what would he want for his birthday. His mother asked what flavor would he want for his birthday cake. His father asked what kind of dress-code would he want on his birthday party-apparently his cousins and relatives would come over.
Yifan was a bit paranoid upon hearing that.
He didn’t know why he was so scared, but Yifan dared himself to ask his parents if they have a family member named Junmyeon. He even asked Sehun if his boyfriend, Yixing, happened to have a relative with the same name, and fortunately, there didn’t seem to be someone named Junmyeon in their families.
Yifan didn’t know why, but he was very relieved at that fact.
***
Several weeks prior to his birthday, Yifan had a lot of nightmares.
All of his dreams were about the death of a beautiful person, whom he believed was named Junmyeon.
Yifan didn’t know why he had been having dreams-and now nightmares-about Junmyeon in the first place. Lately, the only thing he dreamt about was the death of Junmyeon, of how the male decided to end his life in various ways. Yifan could feel the unreleased anger and desperation every time Junmyeon stabbed his own skin with a sharp knife, or when he intentionally took too many sleeping pills.
Sometimes the emotions were so real that Yifan felt like killing himself, too.
But whenever he woke up, Yifan told himself that he would find this Junmyeon and make him happy, no matter what happened.
The determination of finding Junmyeon was bigger than the urge to end his life every time the nightmares happened. Something evil told him that he would never survive the age of seventeen, but Yifan didn’t plan to give up. He would struggle to live.
I will find you, Junmyeon.
Yifan stopped having nightmares after he turned seventeen.
***
Several years had passed since then.
Without Yifan realizing it, he had just celebrated his twenty-first birthday.
His height grew even taller, making him feel like he was a giant amidst his friends and family. But then again, Sehun almost followed him when it came to height, so it probably ran in their blood.
Blood.
The word reminded him of something...but Yifan couldn’t recall what. His memory was hazy...
Sehun playfully told him that he should find a bride soon, and Yifan snorted to himself.
If it's not Junmyeon, I don't want to.
***
When Sehun told their parents about his plan to marry Yixing this year, Yifan was already twenty-four years old.
Yifan noticed the uncomfortable gazes his parents gave him. He knew they were happy about Sehun, but he also knew that they were thinking of ‘Isn’t it too soon for Sehun?’ Or something like ‘Shouldn’t Yifan marry first?’ But who was Yifan to get in Sehun’s way? If his younger brother decided that Yixing was the one, so be it.
Soon his family was arranging the party, and Yifan was entrusted with the guest lists. The memories of something similar came through Yifan’s mind, but he couldn’t remember more. Had he worked on a wedding before...? Nonetheless, Yifan felt happy for Sehun.
“Hyung? Are you okay?”
Yifan blinked rapidly and turned his head to stare at Sehun. His brother was looking at him in a weird way. Yifan smiled and shook his head in return. “I’m okay.”
Sehun didn’t look convinced. “Are you sure? You’ve been spacing out...”
“Ah, it’s just...it feels familiar. I don’t know.”
“Hmm,” Sehun hummed thoughtfully. “Do you think I should wait for you to get married first...?”
“Don’t be silly, Sehun. I don’t want to get in your way. If you’re determined about Yixing, then do it.”
Sehun slowly broke into a wide grin. “I guess...”
Yifan shrugged casually. “Besides, I’m going to marry him.”
“Who’s...him?”
“That guy in my dream.”
“Oh,” Sehun responded flatly with an expression that said, Yeah, sure, we all have that one dream person. “But what if he never comes?”
“Then I’ll just have to wait for him.”
Yifan smiled, feeling content with what he just said.
“Even in another life...”
End.
Every once in a while, Yifan would dream.
But this time, his dream came true.
Yifan caught a familiar figure in the crowd that day. It could be anyone, but his hunch told him to run after the person. He had been dreaming for so long that Yifan just couldn’t wait until everything became real. Yifan was tired of just having dreams.
So he did run after him.
The moment Yifan grabbed the person’s wrist, it felt painfully familiar. The male before him immediately spun around in confusion, his beautiful black orbs glared at Yifan questioningly. Yifan knew he should apologize, but he could do nothing but stare. It shocked Yifan greatly when he realized that it really was the man in his dream.
The man he unconsciously fell in love with.
Yifan swallowed thickly. “J-Junmyeon...?”
Junmyeon raised his brows in awe and examined Yifan closely. “Yes...? Do I know you...? Have we met before...?”
“You don’t remember,” Yifan blurted without thinking and frowned. Wait, what was he talking about? “What’s your family name...?”
“Huh?”
“Please. I know it sounds strange, but I just need to know...”
Junmyeon hesitated for a moment, but he answered anyway. “Kim...Kim Junmyeon.”
Kim.
It was silly of Yifan to feel so excited upon knowing the male’s family name, and he had no idea why. All he knew was that hope started to grow within him, and he didn’t want to let go.
Not this time.
“You...you don’t happen to have any relatives to the Wu family, right?”
“Wu family?” Junmyeon batted his eyelashes rapidly, obviously lost with Yifan’s sudden questions. “Um, not that I know of...”
“You mean we’re not related by blood? You’re certain about that, right?”
Junmyeon looked scared as he took a step back. “Um-“
“Wait,” Yifan pleaded in exasperation and Junmyeon obeyed wordlessly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just... I feel extremely happy to meet you, Junmyeon. It might be our first time...or not, I don’t know. Anyway, my name is Wu Yifan...”
“Yifan...?” Junmyeon repeated softly, albeit still a bit confused.
Yifan nodded in relief. Junmyeon didn’t seem to reject him entirely...
Junmyeon was so beautiful that Yifan felt he had been waiting for this moment for too long. The male bit his lower lip thoughtfully. Yifan was clearly nervous, but then he dared himself to take Junmyeon’s hand in his gently and said,
“Kim Junmyeon... Will you marry me...?”
I'm sorry ;;