Crackfic failure of the year!
Yuji sighs to himself, as he picks up the thing from the floor of his apartment. Then, he looks around, not even disgusted at what he’s holding his very moment. He’s gotten used to some pretty weird shit by now. Being gay and all.
“Takeru!” he yelled, waving around with the somewhat meaty object he held between his thumb and forefinger. When the other came bouncing in, Yuji held it up so that they both could clearly see what it was. “Oh, thank you! I was looking for that just a minute ago!”
Yuki sighed, and steeled himself for another long discussion. “What did I tell you about spreading your limbs all over my apartment?” he said, crossing his arms to resist the urge to cover his ears, as Takeru carefully put his lost right middle finger back into place with a ‘pop’ from bones hitting bones.
One beautiful day, which Yuji personally would like to forget, Takeru must have realized he only had two footballs to juggle with (this was all thanks to Yuji, who didn’t really like to find dead limbs all over his apartment when he got home from his workplace in a studio).
Takeru had decided to solve the problem with his own dead head. Literally.
When Yuji came home from grocery shopping, the apartment was very quiet apart from what sounded like someone walking into stuff, and when he walked into the living room he couldn’t help but jump.
Walking around in his living room with its arms outstretched is Takeru’s body.
It’s all fine, except for the fact that’s missing a very important part. The head.
He screams and locks himself up in the bathroom.
-
“WHAT was that good for?” Yuji asked exasperatedly later that night when he was rummaging through his drawers for duct tape. Takeru’s body, the head held carefully in his lap was sitting on a chair, waiting for Yuji to place the head back where it was supposed to be.
Takeru just shrugged. Or, his shoulders did.
“Aren’t zombies supposed to die if you remove their head by the way?”
“Am no ordinary zombie, thank you very much. Less talk, more getting-my-head-back-in-place action please.”
Yuji sighed, and made sure to use the tape in a way that would have killed a living human.
“Don’t you EVER go home?” Yuji asked and dumped his guitar case on the floor, making his way though the hallway to the kitchen, where Takeru sat, looking particularly green, wearing VERY red glasses and reading.
“This IS my home, remember, honeybear?” Takeru simply mumbles, not taking his eyes from the pages of the book in his hands. It turned out, when he looked more carefully at it, that it was ‘Interview with the vampire’
Yuji silently wondered to himself why his zombie boyfriend wanted to be a vampire so bad.
He shook his head.
“Since when do you live here!?”
“Well, since I’m technically dead, my home should be a coffin, right? But how fun would that be? My nails would break from trying to scratch my way out. Heck, I’d be world champion in oddly shaped nails after a while. Do you have ANY IDEA how boring life underground is? I would rather haunt you for as long as you live.”
“You aren’t a ghost.”
“Fuck. You’re right. SADFACE.”
Takeru demonstrated a very sad, sad face. The effect would have been better if he hadn’t tilted his head to the side so much that it almost fell off, still not entirely back to normal after that time he tried to juggle with his head.
“Stop smoking” Yuji said, pointing a very, very vaguely sharp glare at where his boyfriend was currently “testing out his ventilation system” by letting the smoke he inhaled from his cigarette seep out through his skin.
“You’ll get cancer.” he said, in lack of better things to say.
“I’m dead, dear sugarcookie.” Takeru said.
Well, he had a point in that.
“WHAT’S THAT?” Takeru said, pointing at something with his hand.
“What?” Yuji replied grumpily.
“WHAT IS THAT?” Takeru repeated, urgent now.
“No idea. Shut up and sleep.”
Takeru was silent for a few seconds, and Yuji relaxed, just to be startled again by Takeru YELLING.
“I SAID, WHAT IS THAT?”
Yuji groaned. Were they playing that game again? “A finger?” he replied.
“No, honeybear. It’s a MISSING finger. It’s somewhere in the bed, I think you’re lying on it.”
Yuji got up faster than ever and cursed himself and his boyfriend for losing limbs all over the place.
When Takeru came bouncing into the kitchen, Yuji thought nothing of it, simply smiled at him, and went back to his umpteenth attempt at song writing for the day.
It was only when the receipt landed in front of him and showed that Takeru had just bought about fifty kilograms of sea salt (The Very Expensive kind) that he reacted.
“TAKERU” he yelled in horror. “WHAT? WHY? HOW?”
The zombie just stared blankly at him. “Do you know how much it takes to keep a body like this in top shape? It’s a pretty big thing, being dead you know.”
Yuji facepalmed as Takeru ran to the bathroom, leaving a carefully painted nail behind.
“You… Forgot your nail, honey.” he yelled, and turned to the counter, where the dead one had dumped his bags of salt. Just another day in the life of dating a zombie.
“Do I dazzle you?” the dead one suddenly asked in a gravely serious voice.
“Honey, you’re trying to be the wrong kind of undead now.” Yuji sighed, not at all surprised at the question, after finding Twilight on Takeru’s bedside table the other day.
Takeru looks seriously offended at that point, and Yuji has just about opened his mouth to apologize when the zombie speaks up again. “Why thank you, I’m way more dazzling than you!” he said, and glared.
“Dear, your skin is kind of pale and green. Believe me, you’re more likely to make someone introduce their stomach content to the ground than dazzle anyone.”
Takeru’s eyes widened and Yuji bit his tongue, already regretting what he said.
“OH MY GOD MY MOISTURIZER AND GLITTERY FACECRÈME AREN’T WORKING.” he wailed in horror, and stood up so fast one of his hands fell off, rushing away to inspect his face for a gazillion years. He came back a few seconds later to get his hand, and told Yuji bitterly that “if I had any blood, I’d blush.”
“What. Was that?” Yuji asked, pulling back and away from Takeru’s mouth. The other just looked confused, so he whispered “I swallowed something” in the quietest voice he could master. The zombie’s eyes widened.
“You know… Don’t kill me (again), but I think that might have been a couple of… teeth.
Yuji actually cried out in outrage, shaking Takeru by the shoulders so that the teeth that weren’t actually IN HIS STOMACH were rattling.
Then he ran to the bedroom and flopped down on the bed, burying his face in the pillow.
Breathing was a hard thing to do like that, he realized. But he didn’t move.
Takeru just shook his head, rolling his eyes and barely concealing a grin as Yuji bitterly tried to make his bones fit back into place, all the while hissing under his breath about ‘damned zombies’ and their ‘damned dead beings’.
He gracefully inhaled from his cigarette, angled it towards the ground and flicked it to get rid of the ash on the tip.
“You know, you could shut up.” he supplied with a wide grin on his face, not really helping.
“Oh shut up.” Yuji snarled.
“I wasn’t the one smothering myself with a damned PILLOW. That shit isn’t even possible.”
Yuji sighed, and finally gave up on his lost finger, using some duct tape to keep it in place.
“Oh well? I still top.”