(no subject)
well, i just realized it's easter. although it's not the exact day, which passed over two weeks ago, it still brings back some really sad memories. on the actual anniversary day i distracted myself. i was lucky that relay was occuppied most of my mind. infact, i didn't even remember the date until later on in the evening. it's funny cause this years easter is over two weeks from the actual date, yet it brings a lot of good and bad memories. i remember my mom forcing me to go to my best friend's house to get away from the hospital. i remember reluctantly going but being so glad i went over to lauras. i remember being so very thankful that her family took me in and didn't ask a single question about the situation. i remember not wanting the day to end because it meant that i would be going back to the hospital, back to the crying, back to the hurt, back to the debates, back to the doctors, back to everything that was just shitty. i remember thinking how i shouldn't be in this place, i should be at home thinking about prom and graduation and making my speech and all that shit and then feeling horrible about how selfish i was. shit, i'm crying now. i can tell the story to almost anyone without crying, keeping in mind i don't go into a lot of depth, but still i have been able to tell the story even cracking jokes and acting like it doesn't bug me. it's all really an act, it's just a personal test to see how strong i can be. i always have to be tough, that's the image, that's my image. if your tough nothing can get to you. if your tough people can leave your life and it won't change anything. i guess i'm glad it's just an image and not how i really am, i wouldn't be human if it were reality. but still, i just wish it wouldn't still hurt. 4 years the hurt should be gone, but it's still here making my eyes water up. but this day will pass, maybe i'll just play video games all day again. maybe i'll cry a little more. maybe i'll actually do homework. who knows. right now i feel like shit so i'll just wipe my eyes and watch good old dodgeball.