All That I Can Say
Title: All That I Can Say
Rating: PG-13
Genre: angst, romance
Pairing: past!Junseung, 2Jun
Summary: sequel to justcallmepriya's fic "You Were My Everything."
All That I Can Say
In the beginning it was excruciating. You couldn't accept it so it pained you.
You slink through senior year innocuously, head down and shoulders bent. Broken trust drags behind you in the dust your feet pick up. There have been no others, how could there be? He took your courage with him when he left, punching it out of your chest as you attempted to shove your love back into him through the metal lockers. He was more successful in his endeavors, and you're left with what you've scraped off the concrete. It isn't much.
You graduate, never meeting eyes with what you swore was your soulmate as you cross the pathetic stand into pseudo adulthood. A piece of paper marks your achievement and although it doesn't mean much, you view it as a symbolic end to your foolish childhood. Never again, you promise, and leave high school forever.
Summer stretches long and you use it to think. With distance comes a kind of bitter acceptance, a sense of finality. When you pass by his slender form in the ice cream isle and feel nothing but a faint tug in your heart, a twitch in your legs, you consider yourself detached. Even so, you high-tail it out of there just in case he decides he wants to take something else from you.
Sometimes at night the injustice flares up, a white-hot anger that curls your insides and clenches your fists. So many broken promises, you feel like you've wasted your time on someone unworthy. A minute later has you curled up, blank-gazed at the wall as flickering home-movies play behind your eyes. Hyunseung always looked happy, but your memory warps his face. Twists it to a sadistic-satisfaction as he watches you run yourself ragged trying to make it work, trying to be good enough for eternal love.
What a joke.
But now having accepted. Now that's what's so damn sad. But, it's like that.
You've picked a college in another town, far from where his footsteps wander. Not that you're running away, you convince yourself staring into the mirror at a bitter face. You just need to get away from reminders of the stupid you. That identity has been shed, a coward's snake skin that peeled away and left you behind. Rough. Angry. And possibly more vulnerable than before. But no one will mess with you again.
You think maybe, maybe you can completely start over here.
Until you open the door to your dorm room and see your roommate sitting at his desk.
Is the pain less as much as you have prepared?
He's tall, handsome. He has strong features and an easy smile. Everything screams "gentleman" and your heart falters in a sickeningly familiar way as you realize you're always doomed to be surrounded by people who are so much better than you.
His name is Doojoon, and it takes three months for you to admit you actually like him. A disgusting Disney prince come true, Doojoon is everything Hyunseung isn't. Hyunseung was beautiful, mysterious, lofty and so, so insecure.
Doojoon wears his heart on his sleeve, raw and bloody for all to see as he grabs strangers and turns them to friends, as he puts up with your ranting and your anger, as he worms his way into your life and forges himself a home in the decimated remains of your heart. Where he begins to heal it.
It takes six months for you to realize you're falling for him.
Can you do it again? Truth be told, you're just scared.
"I like you," Doojoon says honestly as he lies on his bed flipping through his ipod and you freeze, thinking liar liar as you gape at his nonchalant expression. Your eyes pick up a tenseness in his shoulders, the firm set of his jaw and you cough awkwardly.
"I don't," you begin, thinking of bloody teeth, the cold press of metal behind you as 'I hate you' rents through your ears in painful resonance. You swallow heavily and twitch in your chair, "I can't," you try again. A warm caress of skin against skin, soft lips pressing against yours as dark eyes gaze intently into your own. The mattress shifts as Hyunseung lies on top of you and whispers 'I love you.' Your vision blurs.
"I'm sorry," you say and lunge out of the room slamming the door behind you as you tear down the hall, socks sliding against the floor and sending you flying down the stairs and out the door into the cold night. No more, you beg as tears slide hotly down your face. Your heart aches and you don't know if it's from Hyunseung, Doojoon, or yourself.
I wonder what it means to live on like this.
Doojoon graciously lasts a week before cornering you again. You've got music blasting in your headphones when he pulls them off, placing them gently on the desk next to you and sitting on your bed. Talk his eyes say. And you don't know why your mouth opens and your wounds begin pouring out in bleeding agony. You talk about Hyunseung, your love and trust, your fight, and as Doojoon listens with soft eyes you feel the wounds slip out along with the words, thick on your tongue. "I loved him," you confess.
"Is he the only one who gets a chance to return it?" Doojoon asks. And you sit and wonder as he gets off your bed and begins to do his homework.
I murmur to myself, the words that let you go.
You go home for a week in summer. The trip is long and hot, and as you begin the final stretch of your journey from the train station the sweat drips down in rivulets down your back.
That's when you see him.
He looks the same. His gaze cast in thoughtfulness as he walks along the street. He's beautiful, remains beautiful, and you acutely feel the steady beat of your heart. The ache is there, might always be there, the resentfulness burrows deep into your chest. But looking at his back as he walks away, you think of a taller, broader back. You think of darker hair and silly faces. You think of large hands and unwavering trust.
You smile for the first time since the fight and think of Doojoon.
How is the love? Can you do it again?
The first thing you do is kiss him. He grunts against your lips in surprise and you subconsciously compare two sets. His arms wrap around you and there is a sense of wonderment as he inhales sharply through his nose. His hands tickle the hair at your nape.
"I'm going to make you upset," you spill when you finally separate. "We’re going to fight and I’m going to probably be a dick ‘cause I’m so messed up, but if you’ll…I want to…I can't tell you I love you, not yet. But I want to...try. I want to try."
Doojoon smiles.
This is all that I can say.
*
A/N: Priya~ I hope this does your fic justice! <3 <3 <3 <3 We're gonna go see MOZART!!! >< yaaaaaay ~
*
Rating: PG-13
Genre: angst, romance
Pairing: past!Junseung, 2Jun
Summary: sequel to justcallmepriya's fic "You Were My Everything."
All That I Can Say
In the beginning it was excruciating. You couldn't accept it so it pained you.
You slink through senior year innocuously, head down and shoulders bent. Broken trust drags behind you in the dust your feet pick up. There have been no others, how could there be? He took your courage with him when he left, punching it out of your chest as you attempted to shove your love back into him through the metal lockers. He was more successful in his endeavors, and you're left with what you've scraped off the concrete. It isn't much.
You graduate, never meeting eyes with what you swore was your soulmate as you cross the pathetic stand into pseudo adulthood. A piece of paper marks your achievement and although it doesn't mean much, you view it as a symbolic end to your foolish childhood. Never again, you promise, and leave high school forever.
Summer stretches long and you use it to think. With distance comes a kind of bitter acceptance, a sense of finality. When you pass by his slender form in the ice cream isle and feel nothing but a faint tug in your heart, a twitch in your legs, you consider yourself detached. Even so, you high-tail it out of there just in case he decides he wants to take something else from you.
Sometimes at night the injustice flares up, a white-hot anger that curls your insides and clenches your fists. So many broken promises, you feel like you've wasted your time on someone unworthy. A minute later has you curled up, blank-gazed at the wall as flickering home-movies play behind your eyes. Hyunseung always looked happy, but your memory warps his face. Twists it to a sadistic-satisfaction as he watches you run yourself ragged trying to make it work, trying to be good enough for eternal love.
What a joke.
But now having accepted. Now that's what's so damn sad. But, it's like that.
You've picked a college in another town, far from where his footsteps wander. Not that you're running away, you convince yourself staring into the mirror at a bitter face. You just need to get away from reminders of the stupid you. That identity has been shed, a coward's snake skin that peeled away and left you behind. Rough. Angry. And possibly more vulnerable than before. But no one will mess with you again.
You think maybe, maybe you can completely start over here.
Until you open the door to your dorm room and see your roommate sitting at his desk.
Is the pain less as much as you have prepared?
He's tall, handsome. He has strong features and an easy smile. Everything screams "gentleman" and your heart falters in a sickeningly familiar way as you realize you're always doomed to be surrounded by people who are so much better than you.
His name is Doojoon, and it takes three months for you to admit you actually like him. A disgusting Disney prince come true, Doojoon is everything Hyunseung isn't. Hyunseung was beautiful, mysterious, lofty and so, so insecure.
Doojoon wears his heart on his sleeve, raw and bloody for all to see as he grabs strangers and turns them to friends, as he puts up with your ranting and your anger, as he worms his way into your life and forges himself a home in the decimated remains of your heart. Where he begins to heal it.
It takes six months for you to realize you're falling for him.
Can you do it again? Truth be told, you're just scared.
"I like you," Doojoon says honestly as he lies on his bed flipping through his ipod and you freeze, thinking liar liar as you gape at his nonchalant expression. Your eyes pick up a tenseness in his shoulders, the firm set of his jaw and you cough awkwardly.
"I don't," you begin, thinking of bloody teeth, the cold press of metal behind you as 'I hate you' rents through your ears in painful resonance. You swallow heavily and twitch in your chair, "I can't," you try again. A warm caress of skin against skin, soft lips pressing against yours as dark eyes gaze intently into your own. The mattress shifts as Hyunseung lies on top of you and whispers 'I love you.' Your vision blurs.
"I'm sorry," you say and lunge out of the room slamming the door behind you as you tear down the hall, socks sliding against the floor and sending you flying down the stairs and out the door into the cold night. No more, you beg as tears slide hotly down your face. Your heart aches and you don't know if it's from Hyunseung, Doojoon, or yourself.
I wonder what it means to live on like this.
Doojoon graciously lasts a week before cornering you again. You've got music blasting in your headphones when he pulls them off, placing them gently on the desk next to you and sitting on your bed. Talk his eyes say. And you don't know why your mouth opens and your wounds begin pouring out in bleeding agony. You talk about Hyunseung, your love and trust, your fight, and as Doojoon listens with soft eyes you feel the wounds slip out along with the words, thick on your tongue. "I loved him," you confess.
"Is he the only one who gets a chance to return it?" Doojoon asks. And you sit and wonder as he gets off your bed and begins to do his homework.
I murmur to myself, the words that let you go.
You go home for a week in summer. The trip is long and hot, and as you begin the final stretch of your journey from the train station the sweat drips down in rivulets down your back.
That's when you see him.
He looks the same. His gaze cast in thoughtfulness as he walks along the street. He's beautiful, remains beautiful, and you acutely feel the steady beat of your heart. The ache is there, might always be there, the resentfulness burrows deep into your chest. But looking at his back as he walks away, you think of a taller, broader back. You think of darker hair and silly faces. You think of large hands and unwavering trust.
You smile for the first time since the fight and think of Doojoon.
How is the love? Can you do it again?
The first thing you do is kiss him. He grunts against your lips in surprise and you subconsciously compare two sets. His arms wrap around you and there is a sense of wonderment as he inhales sharply through his nose. His hands tickle the hair at your nape.
"I'm going to make you upset," you spill when you finally separate. "We’re going to fight and I’m going to probably be a dick ‘cause I’m so messed up, but if you’ll…I want to…I can't tell you I love you, not yet. But I want to...try. I want to try."
Doojoon smiles.
This is all that I can say.
*
A/N: Priya~ I hope this does your fic justice! <3 <3 <3 <3 We're gonna go see MOZART!!! >< yaaaaaay ~
*