(no subject)
Sometimes it just gets to me, what a hypocrite I am. (Is that how you spell it?) I remember last year, being friends with little Anna. If anyones wondering, im 15, so last year i was 14, and shed just come to high school (year7) and was 12. I watched her go from a happy, bubbly child with so much character and personality to being so, so unhappy and sad. AND ALL BECAUSE OF FUCKING C. Yes I'll keep calling her C, because I cant risk her/me being identified. Imagine coming to a new school, all ready for high school and making friends, and then your peersupport leader shows you her cuts. WHY!?!?! How does that make any sense, to show innocent 12 year olds your cuts and scars? I dont understand at all why the hell she would do that. And so anna went down from there....now I look at her, and I see so much sadness in her eyes, she hates school so much. I dont talk to her much anymore, I used to be so so close to her, she told me everything. I persuaded her out of cutting herself so many times; if any of my friends now had the same problems, I would be persuading them out of it as well. And yet, it annoys me so much that I cant hardly cut myself because my mum caught me last time. I must sound like some psycho - what i mean is, when I'm really angry or sad, I need that burst of pain, it makes me feel so much better. It takes away my emotions. But I cant define my view on any of this stuff. I KNOW that its bad. I know that it means something is seriously wrong, you shouldnt cut your own body. I would stop anyone that I could. And yet, if I could do it as much as I wanted, no one could stop me.
And you know what...I used to be so innocent. My now best friend was cutting herself in year 7, and even though I didnt know her at all, i still had absolutely no idea. i dont think the idea of hurting yourself had even occured to me. i mean, to a 12 year old, why would you do that to yourself? And all because of C, my innocence was completely and utterly wrecked. I mean, I have her suicide letter in my bedroom at the moment. Not because she's going to kill herself, but because she was planning to at one point, and she wrote it. I asked to read it cos I was wondering if it would give me any clues...but no. She wouldnt have the guts to kill herself anyway, because she wouldnt be there to recieve all the attention that she craves. Thats all it is - a huge act for ATTENTION. And of course, through that she has wrecked so many people's lives. Annie was SO innocent. She didnt start cutting of her own accord, because she was unhappy in her life - no, it was only after she met C. God, at least she's leaving soon. Which is bittersweet. I really really cant wait for her to leave, and at the same time I really dont want the rest of the year 12s to leave. I mean, its like I have all these good friends, and each year a whole grade of them leaves. I have so many friends in year 12, and half of them I'll probably never see again. They'll go off to Uni or whatever, and I'll still be stuck at school. 2 more years to go.
Trial HSC starts tomorrow. English is at 9:00, then extension english the next day. I'm scared FOR the yr12s cos I know I have to do them in a couple of years. And my friend is so stressed out...its not like shes just really nervous, they make her feel so worthless and shit. She gets so negative, saying how shit she's going to do and how she's going to fail. And its not an attention-seeking thing at all, its what she truly believes and it makes her feel so bad. So, I know how much chocolate cheers her up (dont say anything, everyone here who knows how many calories are in chocolate :P) So thats how I can cheer her up through trials. Then theres about another 8 weeks...then real HSC. It's so crazy. Simones the person that I often feel I could tell stuff to, she sees everything so straight, and it seems to make sense when she says it...and yet I cant tell her ANYTHING because she has no time, and cant afford to have anything extra in her life. So I'm waiting till November 2nd, when she'll be finished her HSC. FINALLY!
Oh...my formal is in November :D And I bought my dress a couple of weeks ago! I would take a picture of it and post it...but a)I cant find the digital camera, b) I have no idea how to put photos on, and c) I think I should lose weight before I go out in public. I never actually realised how overweight I am...I was like, oh it'll go away soon. BUT ITS NOT GOING AWAY. Mum took the scales out of hte bathroom, they just suddenly disappeared, I have no idea where they went. Everyone seems to do their measurements in pounds, i do mine in KG cos i'm from Australia, woohoo, so I looked it up and I htink im about 120lb's. Which is a disgrace, I know. I have till November to improve. The north sydney boys formal is also in november, I think Jay Jay might invite me. Woohoo, how much fun would two formals be!!
This is really long. I should learn how to do lj cuts. Then people wouldnt have to look at this much. But I have no idea how to do it. Hardly anyone reads this anyway so it doesnt matter. And everyone seems to live in England, or America, I just noticed that. Which means I'll most probably meet none of these people in real life.
Ciao.