EUROVISION SONG CONTEST ATHENS 2006
For those of you that don’t know, Eurovision dates far back to the 1940s or 50s...something like that, where all the countries of Europe send their countries ‘best’ to compete for the coveted...something...I don’t know what they get other than continental fame. Past winners include Abba and Celine Dion (I don’t know how). But really more importantly the 2004 eurovision was the best eurovision ever. I was first introduced to it then while in Germany, Ruslana won, and there were MANY amazingly hillarious people there that year. Last year was kind of boring...but now here is my presentation for this years Eurovision Song Contest contestants!!!!
If you want a better idea of what I’m talking about go to www.eurovision.tv then click on “multimedia lounge” at the top and go to “video” there you can watch music videos for each of the contestents. And that’s what I’m going to be talking about right now.
First I’m going to deal with the rejects in no particular order...
Albania...often a reject country is offering up Luiz Ejlli...um...I couldn’t even pretend to be interested in his oddly ripped shirt in that horrible video for his song anymore. There were men doing some folkish Albania line dancing...someone was blowing a sheep...Albania is weird.
It’s New Years Eve...I’m in Andorra...I’m the only living person in Andorra....seriously though Jennifer is her name having giant whorish lips are her game. Watching this video was kind of like that time I went to see Godspell and the fat fat black woman who was playing Mary Magdaline was doing her song and she breathed on my and had really bad breath and then giggled her boobs in my face and I could still smell her breath. Trust me, that’s what this video is like. That’s what this song is like. Normally when encountering these foreign songs I go “I bet it would be better if I knew what they were saying” for Jennifer however I don’t think anything could help.
Um...the Armenian video for Andre is weird. Andre is really ugly...there are some stairs...candles...I’m not impressed. I have to answer Andre’s question...yes Andre...you should die.
Bosnia has given us Femminem and Deen for the past two years. I wondered if their submission would hold up. Upon first glance their name is Hari Mata Hari....good start...that’s hillarious. Deen and Femminem just don’t progect that image of Bosnia & Hertzegovina...you know...war torn mine field or gay disco crazy which one sounds more like Bosnia to you? Well...Hari Mata Hari is boring as hell, and there are floating streams of pee in the beginning...an old man smoking towards the end...there’s a lot of weird “look at how gorgeous my country is” shots...I don’t really like it, but I do love the weird floating yellow lines of pee.
Bulgaria this year brings us Mariana Popova...it’s a fun name to say try it...Popova...see. She’s no Lorraine In The Rain singing boy band like last year I have to say. But she’s just as boring. It’s just that her song isn’t as hillarious as Lorraine In The Rain. Unfortionate that she sucks more for having better lyrics. However if you like oddly colored and nose shapped women you might like her.
Croatia has Severina, and I drove a screwdriver through my ear.
Ireland is always boring, even though they’ve won the most Eurovisions out of all the countries involved...Brian Kennedy is no exception. Boring as hell.
How does Israel get in this contest in the firstplace EUROvision...um...but other than that how do they have a black man in their country to enter? Eddie Butler...weird...also bad song.
Latvia is also always weird and bad...Cosmos is nothing different...what the hell are they doing at Eurovision, accapella freaks.
Monaco’s Séverine Ferrer might be good if it wasn’t in some dumb language...I won’t say which.
Norway’s Christine Guldbrandsen pretty much just bored the shit out of me...literally...I was listening to it and was like “wow...I have to poop” and then I did.
Portugal always does some increadibly straight forward europop song. It’s not interesting, they girls in Nonstop are sexy (not really) and sing a very straightforward europop song. I don’t like them, and I bet they don’t make it past the semifinals...though you never know, those europeans like their europop...I just like to think they don’t like the boring stupid europop.
Dima Bilan wants to be like “Look at me, I’m such a hot Russian man” but he’s not, he’s really really not. I know what a hot Russian man looks like, and it’s not Dima Bilan. I’m sorry that I can’t see past his ugly...everything...and hear his song....but I can’t...nope...ugly russian man...I just move on now.
Sweden you’re being boring...don’t pick someone like Carola ever again, that’s the name of a car...not a singer.
Switzerland has entered a really bad S Club 7 ripoff called six4one...and they’re really bad, this song is terrible, they’re all ugly, they’re not even funny at all, I hate them. I hope they get last place like Switzerland deserves to always get...except for last year when they had Vanilla Ninja for some reason.
The best two of the rejects...
Slovenia’s Anzej Dezan sucks a lot. And he looks really scary with his frosted hair. I’m about 50% sure that he’s gay, and that just makes it more pathetic. But really...okay...as this video goes on again I have to say jesus fucking christ this is amazing. He is singing with this intensity that makes me want to cry I’m laughing so hard. It’s like another really bad techno song that is just so amazing when you listen to it while watching him singing this song....you really are going to have to see this for yourself to believe it. I can’t...I can’t go on, I have to turn it off...it’s so bad...so funny...it’s melting my brain.
Romania...I have a message for you. Mihai Traistariu was not a good choice. Sometimes weird techno also translates to bad techno...this is one of those cases. BUT...the video is amazingly frightening and I reccommend that everyone watches it. It makes Mihai a lot easier to take because like...who doesn’t like a creepy and choppily cut tunnel of freaks when listening to a bad techno song. I love it. There’s nothing I would rather be watching while listening to this song. It’s weird in a good way....and the more I assosiate the video with the song the more I go “This song isn’t bad” but I have to stay strong and keep Mihai with the rejects because I have to remember that this video doesn’t make this song good...but it’s just so hard...the video is just so good...and I’m a video person not a song person when it comes to eurotrash...oh hell I’m going to watch it again...and put Mihai as the best of the rejects.
Now for those that I don’t really like but people will probably give them a lot of votes...
People are going to be nuts over the Greece entry since Greece won last year (hence it being in Athens this year). I don’t really like this song, it’s slow and boring. A lot of the problem with the Eurovision Song Contest is that rarely do you come accross some true eurotrash gold. Mostly it’s just highly americanised pop, like, the pop we’d listen to. Not crazy europop. And this is a perfect example of that slow Kelly Clarkson crap hazel eyes song or soemthing but not as good. However...there is an AMAZING breakdown on the bridge. Now what I like about that, is songs have breakdowns and bridges...and in the video during the bridge/breakdown she HAS a breakdown on a bridge...that’s clever, really clever.
If you thought that Germany would never ever send a weird country cover band to Eurovision Song Contest you obviously never ever heard of Texas Lightning. So weird. I know. They won’t do well I’m sure, it’s not that their song is bad, because it’s okay, it’s just that they’re a weird german country cover band. They’re not going to place last like Austria’s polka band last year (who I still say out of everyone was hands down the most amazing, I loved Global.Kryner a lot) but they’re not going to win by anyone’s standards...no matter how many glowing words that they sing fly by the background.
Sandra Oxenryd isn’t bad. Estonia has provided us with someone who’s like...real...does that make sense? She just seems really normal, I could see her having a hit song. But thus I lable her as boring for me. Her song is fast paced and poppy. Alright, Estonia...what happened to your crazy estonian warrior clan bands? I’m a little disappointed, but alright, you want to win, I get it, I don’t like it, but I accept it. Good job Estonia and good job Sandra Oxenryd....um...as for the video...it’s oddly compelling just like everything else about her. I keep starring at that bright white smile and blue Abbaish outfit...crazy shit.
Kate Ryan is Belgium’s submission. She’s been around for years with horrible songs that I hate but they would play in clubs all the time. Why Kate Ryan? Why do you torture me??? She’s like that annoying cousin that you dread to see at family reunions but you accept the fact that she’ll be there. I think she looks like a man okay. She’s very mannish. She’s gotten better over the years but still mannish. Plus she speaks the worst language ever. French. Um, let’s face it that language is shitty and so are all the countries that use it as their primary form of communication. The sad thing is that since Kate Ryan is so famous she’s going to get a lot of votes for Eurovision and might win. And her video quality is a lot better than the others since she’s already had a ‘hit’ album and has the money to make a good one. I hate her a lot.
As always France sings in their boring ugly language, at least last year they had a fun fast pased dance song. But Virginie Pouchin (more like Viginie Douchin’) is boring...just like everything about France. Come on France...what about K’Maro...he’s much better than this little ho...and he’s Femme like U. He could be an agent for the Eurotrash Underground Collective...not Virginie Douchin’. Actually...I guess he’s ALREADY a member of the E.U.C. so I guess he can’t enter. Oh well.
Now for the ones I like the most for various reasons
I’m also always drawn to Malta because it’s not REALLY a country, and the people that pretend to come from there are all hillariously eurotrash and opera singers. Fabrizio Faniello is pretty much the same as that. I don’t really know what his song is about...but the video makes me laugh with the split screen of him and his lover girl as they go through their day and will ultimately run into eachother but keep missing eachother because they’re both looking for eachother at the same time. There’s amazing toothbrush symbolism at the end. But the thing that really makes me love this video is that Fabrizio and his girlfriend can destroy spacetime in order to be together. You have to see it to believe it.
Lithuania is taking a very interesting approach to Eurovision this year. LT United is singing a song called “We Are The Winners” to which the lyrics are “We are the winners, we are we are.” And the amazing thing is at first it’s stupid...but then you slowly are convinced...they ARE the winners...hold shit...THEY ARE THE WINNERS!!!! I HAVE TO VOTE FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE THE WINNERS!!!!! And so I have to put them in my top results...because I don’t want to look stupid when they actually ARE the winners and next years Eurovision Song Contest is held in Lithuania. The song itself sounds a little queenish but bad, which is funny. They have their own spin on a boy band...basically by being kind of ugly thuggish and all around Lithuanian. And I like that, I like in the vide then they have the violin solo...that made me go nuts with joy. But it’s only natural since they’re the winners.
Since Belarussians are my favorite Russians I am often drawn to their entries. Alexandra & Constantine are one of my favorite Eurocision submissions ever. Polina Smolova is fucking AWESOME. HAHAHAHAHA. I know she’s rediculous and sexy and all “ma ma ma ma ma ma mum” and I’m like “Yes!” there aren’t enough europian songs with nonsense words in them, there are a lot, but they’re all by Banaroo...so I’m glad at least we have Polina Smolova to offset their stranglehold on the nonsense sounding songs. This video is rockinly sexy with tons of Center Stage quality costume changes. I hope that Polina Smolova goes far. VIA BELARUSSIA!!!
Denmark brings us Sidsel Ben Semmane singing Twist Of Love. What the hell???? Denmark has done it again. First Natasha Thomas and now Sidsel Ben Semmane...sure Natasha was never in the Eurovision Song Contest but she’s way cool. Sidsel thinks she’s in the 50s and the 2000’s both at the same time. I don’t know how but somehow she makes it work. It’s more than just country sounding, it sounds rather twist shoo bop soo bop if you know what I mean. And yes she’s very current and apparently versatile because she also mops up after her own performances. I would vote for her no doubt about it. Sidsel Ben Semmane has earned a place in the Eurovision hall of weirdo fame.
Okay it never fails. Poland is always fucking weird. Ich Troje is really weird. The song is Follow My Heart. And it’s a mixture of like bad Evanescence with white rappers (wie Stefan Raab) and polish folk man with weird weird red red weird red hair...a little of Kayah I Bregovic mixed in. I really can’t say what’s so intruiging about it other than it’s fucking weird. They kind of look like freaky polish royalty. Apparently they’re the most popular Polish band ever. I think that’s the most amazing thing about them honestly. And by ‘them’ I mean ‘polish people’ because really...for Ich Troje to be their most popular band...they are weirdly amazing fucking people.
Spain entering Las Ketchup is like the best thing they could have ever done. For anyone that doesn’t remember The Ketchup Song you should go and watch it here. One of the most annoying and most sucessful Eurotrash pop songs to date. You gotta give Las Ketchup their props. And apparently Spain finally has by entering them in the Eurovision Song Contest. I’m really happy for them, really. This song that they’re doing entitled Bloody Mary is...it’s pretty much just as annoying as The Ketchup Song. But yet it’s mello. The video reminds me of like early Salt ‘n Peppa videos, like weird and bad. Unfortionaltely Bloody Mary is in spanish, and thus slightly unenjoyable...now were it a spanish cover of I Want It That Way I could get into that...but it isn’t...I wish that the Hot Banditoz were Spain’s entry.
Turkey’s Sibel Tüzün is amazingly hillarious. I can’t even begin to explain what her video is like. The song itself is in turkish and not all that interesting. But I actually think she’ll do well because it’s a very straight forward pop song. It’s actually the kind of song that would win if it was in english. Really the only thing holding it back is that it’s in Turkish. But the video is just really good. Like not in a hillarious good, but it’s actually a pleasing video, again very straight forward. I really think that Sibel could make a lot of money if she americanized her music.
The Ukraine I am always very critical of after seeing Ruslana, the greatest Eurovision performer ever. I kind of feel like Tina Karol is a dummed down but more evolved version of Ruslana. Like more sophisticated, but easier for us to take because it’s softer and not so...wild...and with cute and pretty outfits. I like it. I really do, but I doubt she has what it takes to win. But it’s really funny how you can see like she’s a more mainstream version of Ruslana.
My Top 5 Favorites!!!!
5. Okay so Daz Sampson for the UK has made his way into my top 5. Weird british white boy rap will always find it’s way into my heart. And this is particularly hillarious rap. Singing and dancing schoolgirls with this middle aged white man rapping...I mean. He’s deffinitely not as good as the others in my top 5...but I would listen to this song first of all because it’s kinda good and also because it’s hillarious sounding. It’s rare that you get a song that’s hillarious sounding with a hillarious video. Man...Dax has this like teenage group of boys that he hangs with in the video...and he just stands out so much. I feel like if I had a father he would remind me of him.
4. The Former Yugoslavic Repulic Macedonia or F.Y.R. Macedonia for short has made me cream my shorts. I can only assume that Elena Risteska is from the Prince’s personal harem (for those of you that don’t know the Prince of F.Y.R. Macedonia was the entry in 2004’s Eurovision Song Contest) and possibly the new Princess. Her song is called...ready for this...Ninanajna but don’t be fooled, it’s in english. She starts off in a gold half cage spinning around and telling us not to be afraid and then to come on. And I will. On her face. She has that cute little pink thing on her hat and sometimes dresses like a bumble bee in yellow and black...which no one but her is ever allowed to do again. I want to dance with her, I want to sing with her. She is a vixen...and she said that she could get Beyoncé and Shakira dance for me...I believe her. Because they even want to ninanaj with her. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS BUT I WANT TO DO IT!!! I dub her the new Princess of F.Y.R. Macedonia, Princess Elena. BOW DOWN!!!! Plus singing in english with that cute little yugoslavian accent is just adorable, how can you resist the power of her royal song...you can’t. I predict that this will be the winner of the Eurovision Song Contest Athens 2006
3. MOLDOVA HAS FINALLY DONE IT!!!! I KEPT SAYING IT EVERY YEAR, WHY DOESN’T MOLDOVA ENTER O-ZONE???????? THEY ARE THEIR MOST PRECIOUS NATIONAL TREASURE!!!! Well, we’ve got the next best thing. For those of you that never actually knew O-Zone has really been broken up since before that song ever premiered in the U.S. and Arseni went on to have his own singing career...as Arsenium...and that’s right this years Moldova entry is Arsenium & Natalia Gordienko with their song Loca. A Regge song based partially in spanish...from Moldova...amazing. I can’t even explain the sexiness of the song, the video, Arsenium, Natalia, that black man with the salon dreads. It’s just all so awesome. I love every second of it. It’s like if the Black Eyed Peas were hot and slightly retarded at the same time...well...slightly MORE retarded. I would much rather listen to Loca everywhere I go than My Humps. But it’s retarded...in a very eurotrash way...it’s Eurotarded. But thank god for Arsenium’s career blosoming and bringing him to Eurovision, he deserves it. Everytime he said Haiduk my heart would explode. You know yours did too...those sunglasses...so eurotrash...so sexy...not spanish at all...but now he is...it’s exciting.
2. Lordy lordy I choose Lordi!!!! Man...sometimes the Eurovision Song Contest just looses their mind and some country sends in a band that’s just so weird that they’re amazing. Lordi, the entry for Finland is Lordy. And Finland couldn’t be more pissed about it. They’re a crazy monster hard rock HALLELUJAH band. I can’t really even begin to explain...so I’m going to let this article do it for me.
1. I didn’t know that Iceland was going to enter the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Silvia Night might not seem like anything special when listening to the song. Of course not, that’s the beauty of true eurotrash stardom...it’s all in the video. Congratulations is the name of the song that’s entered. It’s a self indulgent piece of aural pleasure “Congratulations, I have arrived, I’m Silvia Night and I’m shining bright.” And she really literally is. Silvia Night is very shiny, everything she wears is more over the top than anything I could have hoped for. She just doesn’t know where to draw the line, and I thank God for that. Did I mention that she actually knows God? Not kidding. She calls him up in the middle of the video just to say hi. I know, hard to believe, you have to watch to find out. I was really impressed. I just...I haven’t been so excited by something so Eurotrash since 1001 Arabian Nights by Ch!pz. Now I’m not saying that Silvia Night is the same quality of Ch!pz...but she is a good candidate for the E.U.C., I’m pretty sure that she’s Bjork’s sister who we never heard of because her parents kept her locked up in the basement where they ferment their shark meats. And then finally she escaped and vowed to be bigger better and more of a fashion disaster and all around crazy icelandic viking whore than her sister. It’s really the only explanation that makes any sense to me. Silvia is amazing. She knows Nick from Project Runway and he’s in the video with her, Santino even did all the costumes. I love the way her song is all about her, and how cool she is, and how cool Iceland is. You don’t hear a lot of songs that say “Boys and Girls around the world let’s meet this year in Iceland” usually people sing about cool places that people would want to go like New York, San Francisco or Ibiza...you know...someplace you could go party and get drunk, not somewhere that makes you go “Iceland, isn’t that where that mean team from The Mighty Ducks 2 was from...remember...when they were in the jr. olympics?” because then people look at you weird like, why when someone says Iceland is that what goes through your mind? And then you have to admit how much you like The Mighty Ducks movies...so usually people don’t sing about Iceland to avoid that very uncomfortable situation. But Silvia Night does...and she loves me...and I love her. I would go into the actual amazingness to the lyrics in the song but I’m going to just leave that alone for the moment and instead say the best thing about her video are her two FLAMING Eurotrash handboys that followe her around in different amazing costumes, once as mexican wrestlers and once polishing a disco ball...yeah...they’re my favorite, I wish ther were my handboys. SILVIA NIGHT, EUROVISION 2006 WHAM BAM BOOM!!!!