to the world that never let you be: 8/10
Summary: When Arthur notices the scars on Merlin, he sets off to find out why a servant of all people has such marks and discovers that Merlin might not be all that he seems. From kinkme_merlin prompt here
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin
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to the world that never let you be
Part Eight
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"So much," he repeated tilting his head to kiss Arthur's brow, like a mother may to her son. It was a tender kiss, different to the promises along his jaw. This kiss spoke of meaning, of the tenderness and kindness Merlin gave to him. And though it was chaste, innocent, there was a deeper press of lips, as if reminding Arthur that there was so much more than the kisses he'd received so far.
Gently, Merlin tilted Arthur's head with his hands, warm pressure points under his jaw. Two kisses were placed, one on each eye, that spoke of a bright future, one they would create together with the people they loved.
Merlin's eyelashes brushed the bridge of his nose, lips pressing to the tip for a brief moment before Merlin was suddenly gone, out of Arthur's space completely. He opened his eyes slowly, searching for a meaning behind why Merlin had left, before he saw the smile and the tilt of Merlin's own chin, knowing what he had to offer in return.
Tiny kisses were first, uncertain against slight-stubble. He traced Merlin's jaw, committing it to memory - just like he would with every other inch - before clutching at Merlin's hands, jittery despite all odds.
"It's always been you," Arthur said to the kiss on Merlin's brow, understanding now his emotions of the past years, seeing beyond his attraction for Gwen. Gwen was nice, yes, but she could never compare to Merlin. No one could and it had always been about Merlin. Arthur had simply adopted his father's blindness and never looked beyond the surface.
He made his own promises of the future against the thin skin of Merlin's eyelids. He pulled back with a smile, moving to make the last kiss he needed to, against the tip of Merlin's nose. A simple kiss, without flattery or embellishment; a kiss of honesty.
"I don't need you like that," Merlin said, his voice low and cautious. Arthur understood.
"I know. And neither do I, but I still want you." His voice was calm, eyes locked on Merlin's a short distance away. They'd parted, hands the only skin touching now, but they hadn't gone far. If he wished to, with the slightest movement he could be pressed to Merlin's skin, but there was one last point to address.
They needed each other, yes. They were going to be there for one another, always. But that didn't mean they had to commit themselves to each other, that they didn't have to pursue more than a friendship.
That wasn't them though. Their path was together, joined for eternity. Merlin's eyes betrayed his feelings, so much so that the hope that Arthur wanted to continue was practically swimming in his eyes.
"I had to-" Merlin began, only to be interrupted.
"I understand. This isn't an obligation or a reward," and yes, Arthur noticed the twitch of humour to Merlin's lips there, "Just me and you."
"How it should be," Merlin murmured and Arthur moved forwards, just a twitch, to kiss Merlin's mouth gently, lingering for a moment before pulling back.
Shadows flittered around them, minute specks covering the stars. The bats moved quickly, streaking through the darkness, but they caught Arthur's attention for a moment. How did it feel to constantly be on your toes? To flitter about in every direction, curve upwards at a slight moment's notice, to be able to change direction so fluidly? It was how Merlin had operated, ever since he'd come to Camelot; ever since he'd been born.
They weren't going to make quick decisions now, though. Some situations called for them, but they didn't have to make this one of those situations. They didn't have to rush towards a goal, didn't have to speed past anything, but could just relax, finally. Whatever they had nurtured between them could stay there, gently growing. There were no quick decisions, no hurried choices or weighted lies. It was Merlin and Arthur in their little world, waiting.
Arthur didn't know if things would change when the sun rose. It wasn't something he'd been given a lot of time to think about throughout their conversation and he didn't want to think about it now; not when Merlin's hands were warm and soft in his own, tightening their hold just before they kissed.
In this kiss, a proper kiss, Arthur committed himself to Merlin. It didn't matter that he wouldn't say it aloud or even make Merlin aware of the fact, but as one of Merlin's hands came to curl on his bicep, Arthur made a silent pledge. He'd be there for Merlin, as he'd said, but he'd also love him, in more ways than one.
It was hard to even think about it, but the slide of Merlin against his lips eased the doubts and calmed the fears. Arthur wasn't an emotional person - or at least wasn't the sort to openly display his emotions, the personal ones. If ever there was need to think about something personal, he'd put it off for later, carry on with whatever it was until he was backed against a wall and had no other option but to think about it.
So, for once, he was going to think about it when he had other options. It would be easier not to think, just to push against Merlin and sink them down, but that didn't have a meaning. If Arthur didn't think then the whole night would have been a waste. Sure he'd found out about Merlin's scars, but unless he processed it properly, took things slowly, what had it all been for?
Because it was easy to see now. He loved Merlin, in the sense that he was a close friend and needed him, but also in the sense that he could grow to love him, romantically and wholly. There was a link between them (a 'destiny' Merlin had said), but it was just growing. It needed care and attention, like all links did; it wasn't something Arthur could afford to throw away.
They still had issues to address, but after all the talking they'd done, there was plenty time for more.
"What will happen-" Merlin began, pulling back for a moment. Arthur met his gaze, pupils dilated, before he moved forwards, a hair's width away from Merlin.
"We don't need to think about that now. Camelot and everything else can wait for the morning, for once." Arthur's reply was hurried, but he needed Merlin to see the significance of this night, to realise that yes, things would change when they got back, but they could have this time perfectly to themselves.
Merlin smiled, kissing Arthur and then drawing back. "Okay," he said, "But just so you know we haven't finished."
"I don't think we ever will," Arthur said. Merlin let out a huff of laughter, breath smoothing over Arthur's lips like a caress.
At this proximity, Arthur could see the tiredness on Merlin's face and the shadows under his eyes. It was late; the moon was high, just a sliver above barely providing any light, and their fire was dying down to embers now. Their conversation had been loaded and emotional, so Arthur knew why Merlin was so tired. And even though common sense told him to go to sleep, he couldn't give this moment up, not just yet.
They kissed again, slowly and a little hesitantly. It would be easy to compare Merlin's kisses to someone else (Gwen, the Lady Vivian to name just two), but they weren't really comparable. He'd never kissed another man before either, but even so... Merlin was different.
And why shouldn't he be different? It was more honest, their kiss, and Arthur felt more open than he'd ever been. It was how Merlin made him feel every moment of the day, but it didn't scare him. He may not have realised it before, but now that he could see how open and alive Merlin made him, it was also as though he'd realised the safety that came with that.
Through thick and thin, he'd had a protector. One who was going to be there for his life, just as Arthur would be in return. He wasn't a prince to Merlin, but just Arthur the idiot who needed saving again and again. That was why this was different; they were equal.
(He could go on about how Gwen and the noble-born ladies he'd been romantically involved with were equal, but they weren't. The noble ladies may have genuinely liked him, but Court was a vicious place where any foot on the next rung of the social ladder was the goal of everyone under the royal family.
Gwen wasn't like that and as much as Arthur loved her, realistically they couldn't work. She wouldn't challenge Arthur - unlike Merlin - unless she had no choice but to challenge him, when she thought there was no other option but to say something. While Merlin would voice his thoughts, Gwen would wait. It was for that reason Arthur knew it would never work; he couldn't wait, but Lancelot could.)
Their kiss broke and Merlin gave a slight sigh. Questioningly, Arthur brushed fingertips against Merlin's cheek, seeking his eyes. Had he done something wrong? Was this not what Merlin had wanted at all?
He wasn't used to feeling this out of his depth. Usually Arthur was in charge, in command and knew everything that was going on. When he was with Merlin, it was as if he was floating in air, unsure where the wind would take him next, but unwilling to let the sensation go. It wasn't bad, but he wasn't used to feeling out of sorts, not understanding.
Though wasn't that the point of a relationship? A proper one, to understand the person you're committing yourself to and work with them until you fully understand them? So no, it wasn't a bad feeling, but a new feeling, something he wasn't quite used to yet.
"We shouldn't be doing this," came Merlin's voice, low and thick with undeterminable emotion. Arthur's pulse began to race. Was that it? Everything over before it had begun?
"What do you mean?" he asked, voice a hoarse whisper. He had no courage on this shaky ground, but he wasn't ashamed to admit it. What better man to lose his courage to than Merlin?
"I want this, you, us, more than anything, but I can't..." Merlin broke off, tilting away from the knuckles laid bare on his cheek, turning to the darkness and away from Arthur.
"What? You can't what?" Arthur wouldn't let him, not now. He knew Merlin, knew his secrets and his desires. He knew what kind of a man Merlin was and he understood, which was the most important thing. He wouldn't let Merlin get away with this, just because it may look like an easier route or not be the 'best' thing.
How could he know what the best thing was anyway? He couldn't, not unless he'd tried. Merlin had been through tougher things, far worse than being with Arthur. So why wouldn't he try for this?
"I can't just have one night." Merlin's eyes were shut tightly, face shadowed.
A soft, warm smile curled Arthur's lips. He moved his hand again, to press against the bare nape of Merlin's neck, pulling him gently back round to face him.
"I'll give you every night for the rest of our lives if you want," Arthur began, voice low, "But don't turn away before we've started."
It was sickening, really, how soppy Merlin could make him. How Arthur would be willing to give his nights away for Merlin with just a blink of an eye. And, more importantly, how he'd be willing to say it aloud, to the person it was about.
Merlin shook his head slightly, "But what about your father? Gwen? Camelot?"
The look in Merlin's eyes was a look Arthur knew well. He'd seen it in looking-glasses in the morning, before anyone was awake. He'd seen it in his younger self, mainly, but the look occasionally returned, especially now that Uther was ill again. It was a look of doubt and honest fear, a look that Arthur hated, but without it - what was he? If he didn't have his fear, if he wasn't scared of the mistakes he could make when he was alone, was he even a person anymore?
Uther thought sorcerers were the evil of the land, but what about the people who forgot their fear? What of the people who buried it down so far that they couldn't remember it any longer and never questioned what they might be doing, whether their actions were for the good or their own selfish needs?
Arthur questioned himself. Not on simple things like had he signed the right document or was what he'd done good enough, but he questioned himself on what he could do better, what he could do for his people. Uther, to a degree, hadn't questioned himself for some time, but that was okay now, because Arthur was there to step up to the plate. Thanks to the people around him (and Merlin, Merlin was the driving force), he was ready now.
"Unless there's a miracle, my father won't get better." Merlin turned his lips down as if to make a remark about how that wasn't true, but Arthur didn't want to hear it and so he paused. No lies, just the truth, and Merlin looked into Arthur's eyes again.
"I knew it ages ago; Gwen's not going to love me forever. I've seen how Lancelot looks at her, and how she looks back at him in secret." Arthur closed his eyes for a moment because, yes, he might not feel as he did for Gwen before, but they'd loved each other in a different way.
They'd still been lovers, in essence, and realising you'd never have that was painful, no matter the circumstances. It was just he had something much better now, something more and true. The pain would last for a short time, passing as all things do in their natural way.
Merlin was looking at him now, as if he was a beacon of light through a bog. The words were what he'd wanted to hear, truthful and yet full of promise and future.
"Don't even try to deny that Camelot needs us. Without you we'd all be flattened by now," Arthur said, smiling. The answering smile Merlin gave was blinding, and he leaned towards Arthur, pressing their lips together slowly, relishing in the contact.
"No more obstacles?" Arthur asked gently, ridiculously. There were always going to be obstacles, but they'd overcome them. When Arthur questioned, Merlin would answer and when Merlin doubted, Arthur would reassure. Always.
"Not out here," Merlin dipped his head in agreement, planting a small kiss to the side of Arthur's mouth.
"Good," Arthur said.
The night fell thick around them as the fire slowly dwindled, the embers dying one by one. It was still warm, but the heat would soon be gone and it was Arthur's signal that they needed to sleep.
"We should go to bed, " Merlin said, as if reading his thoughts. Arthur's hand was still at the base of his neck, fingers trailing along the fine hairs there while Merlin placed his own fingers on Arthur's knee.
They stared at each other for a few moments, neither wanting the moment to end, before a wisp of wind breezed next to them, sending a chill between them. It spurred movement and Arthur set off across to the pile of bedding, bringing Merlin with him.
They set the bedding out to share, covers overlapping each other on the ground and blankets padded around the both of them, bodies curled together. It wasn't a perfect position - in fact Arthur was sure he's have a bad back in the morning from the rock he was currently half-lying on - but Merlin was tucked against him, limbs fitted to Arthur's as if they'd been made as a matching pair.
Sleep didn't settle at once, so instead Arthur looked up at the stars. They were beautiful and amazing yes, but they only held his attention for a little while, before he turned back to Merlin, eyes raking over his shadowed features. No matter the light, no matter the angle, Arthur couldn't imagine ever growing bored of looking at Merlin. He was expressive, true, but even when he was dreaming up stories of magical woodland animals and miles away from the present day, Merlin was captivating.
"What are you thinking about?" Merlin asked huskily, sleep half-claiming him. The fire had died down to ashed embers now, a few glowing speckles in a mass of snowy-grey and charred black. The moon set some light down, but most of what Arthur could see (imagine) of Merlin was from the memories and touches he'd compiled, all firsts of many.
"You," he said in reply, giving a little snort of laughter as Merlin jabbed an elbow into his ribs. "I honestly am," Arthur added, voice drawing to a serious tone. "Enjoying the moment I suppose."
And not thinking about returning to Camelot was the unadded thought, but Merlin could hear it. Had always been able to hear what Arthur had never said, really. Merlin tucked his knees up a little higher, pushing himself up a little until he was tucked in the crook of Arthur's neck, lips close to his ear.
Things were certain to change when they returned to Camelot, it was unavoidable. But they could think about that tomorrow, when the sun rose and their night was a happy memory. When all they could see was the truths and forget that the lies had ever existed. The lies didn't matter anymore, not when Arthur had gained so much with the truth.
"Thank you," Merlin said softly, his voice muddied by sleep. Arthur felt his own eyes draw down, the pull of sleep too much to resist now.
"You don't need to thank me," he murmured in reply, laying a kiss on Merlin's head, soaking in the warmth they shared now, content to fall into a deep slumber and forget about the world.
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but I whisper that I love this man, now and for forever
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Arthur woke slowly, eyes blinking away the sunlight. A breeze floated on his cheeks and it was so very like any other hunting trip that he was suddenly unsure that the night before hadn't been a dream.
Slowly, almost afraid to look around the clearing just in case Merlin had slept across from him, far away and out of reach, much unlike he'd been in Arthur's dreams, Arthur propped himself up. Relief flooded through him as he saw Merlin, curled up with his back to Arthur, clutching the blankets they'd shared to his chest, fast asleep still.
There was no malice on his face while he slept. Uther had often said that you could tell who a sorcerer ws by watching them sleep. They had no souls, or at least corrupted souls, and they'd sleep with a grimace or twisted smile, the only proof of their trechery and danger to the kingdom. There was no evil look to Merlin, just a slack mouth, lips curled a little and eyes screwed shut against the sun's morning rays.
Letting Merlin sleep (he never took a day off after all and Arthur knew that when his manservant was late, it was usually down to Gaius needing his help than oversleeping), Arthur slid from their makeshift bed, packing up what he could. Usually he would have had Merlin do it, but Merlin had already done so much. And while packing up a camp wasn't a lot, Arthur couldn't let it slide. He had to start somewhere and if he didn't start off small, how could he pledge to be the best he could be? If a king was prepared to overlook the manual tasks, what did that mean for his people?
The sun had risen even higher by the time Merlin rose, the shadows under his eyes lightened and face brighter than it had been for weeks. Arthur was standing by the remains of their campfire, kicking through the ash with his foot to make sure the embers wouldn't spark off again, but mainly it was to give himself something to do.
"You should have woken me," Merlin said, rubbing his eyes and pushing back the blankets. He walked over to Arthur's side, slotting into the space perfectly.
And because it was so easy, so right, Arthur wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer. His foot was still kicking around the pool of ashes and Merlin wrapped his own arm, resting his hand on Arthur's hip, supporting him. As always.
"Nothing's changed since last night," Arthur said after a pause, setting his foot down. It didn't matter that it would be covered in ash and charcoal, but Merlin, who he could focus on now, did matter. "Even when we're back in Camelot, everything that happened last night... I want it to change everything from before."
Merlin's smile was sad and he reached out to stroke Arthur's cheek, pressing a lingering kiss against his lips before pulling back, regretfully.
"What?" Arthur asked quietly, moving forwards where Merlin moved back.
"It can't change," Merlin replied slowly, burying his forehead against Arthur's shoulder, hands moving to wrap around Arthur, stroking his back through the material of his tunic. "Everything I've done carries a death threat and everything I'll continue to do is just the same."
Was that it then? After everything that had been said and done, all it equated to was something not worth mentioning? Just sweep it under the carpet, all because of Uther?
"If you think I'd ever let my father-"
"It's not that," Merlin cut in, his fingers pressing to Arthur's shoulderblades. "I know you'd never let anything happen, but Camelot isn't ready yet."
Merlin hadn't thought he was ready though, had he?
"I'm not saying I'll ask my father to bring magic back," Arthur said, hands cupping the back of Merlin's neck, drawing him closer and moving to cup his face. He looked at Merlin, eyes never tiring of looking at him, memorising him. "But if you think you can just go back to being alone, you're wrong."
He'd called Merlin many things before, but he'd never known the man behind the image then. There was so much more conviction to the one word 'wrong' than there had been in all the 'idiot's put together. He knew Merlin now and he knew he was wrong. His words meant something and Arthur knew Merlin realised it too.
"Things are going to change," he repeated, voice level. "You're not getting out of your duties, though you may lack certain skills."
A flash of annoyance crossed Merlin's face and Arthur fought down a smile. Merlin was still the exact same person as he was before, Arthur just hadn't seen all of him. He'd been cast in shadow before, but now he was free, bearing his scars like every man and holding his secrets high. And it was this man, the one who was bared for the world to see, that Arthur knew he loved.
"But if you need to do something, you'll come to me. You can talk to Gaius, Lancelot and whoever else you need to, but I want to be there." Merlin's face softened. "Even if it's just to stomp about my chambers while you go on some ridiculous mission to capture a lock of hair from a unicorn or something. I've had enough unicorns for a lifetime thank you," Arthur muttered, the words still sincere.
"I'd never let you get out of something like that," Merlin replied, smiling again. It was still a small smile, but one that Arthur felt proud for putting on his face.
"I want you to attend council too." Merlin's eyebrows rose in surprise and Arthur continued. "Obviously you won't be allowed a seat and you'll have to serve me... but I'd like you there so I can ask of your opinion when we're in private."
Merlin clearly needed time to adjust to the new request and he looked away. Suddenly, Arthur wasn't sure he'd stepped in the right place, made the right move and tightened his grip on Merlin's neck slightly, curling his hand at the back and smoothing his hands over the skin of Merlin's back.
"You don't have to," he said hurriedly. The last thing he wanted to do was force Merlin into anything and council sessions weren't, perhaps, the most enjoyable of things.
"No, it's not that," Merlin assured him, eyes bright and smile wide as he looked back to Arthur. "I just... well you're looking to me for advice? Me? The guy who stumbles over everything and cares far too much for woodland creatures?"
Arthur nodded. "The man who's saved my life and-"
"Oh shut up," Merlin said, rolling his eyes. "That's only who I am part of the time you know. My life doesn't completely revolve around you." He smiled, the words lighthearted.
"Well you should change that quickly then," Arthur said, hands slipping down Merlin's side. "After all, I'm the most important person around and you are my servant you know."
Moving from their embrace, Merlin laughed, giving a mocking bow before helping Arthur to fold up the blankets.
"Of course Sire, whatever you wish, Sire." Merlin sighed through a smile, shaking his head a little as he watched Arthur pack up the blankets.
"I never thought this would be possible," he said, catching Arthur's eye. He took the pack Arthur offered to him, slinging it onto his back. "I never thought I'd still be friends with you after I told you, to be honest."
Arthur was slightly offended by the words and said as much. Merlin shrugged his shoulders, "Well you can harly blame me for it, but I suppose you would have come around. You can be decent when you want."
Darting forwards, he kissed Arthur again, drawing his bottom lip between teeth and lightly sucking. The kiss wasn't particularly long, but it differed to everything Arthur had known before, which seemed to be the running theme with Merlin.
"I suppose we need to head back then," Merlin said as they parted, eyelashes brushing Arthur's cheek as he leant his head in for a moment. "Can I tell Gaius you know?"
Arthur started walking, the sword he had strapped on a short while ago feeling heavier than it had for years.
"You can tell whoever you want Merlin," he replied, half-turning and smiling as Merlin stumbled through the bushes - just as he had the night before. "It's not exactly up to me who you trust and if you want Gaius to know, then you should tell him."
Gaius had been there when Arthur couldn't. Moments in their timeline made far more sense now; Gaius standing up for Merlin time and time again, even to the point of admitting sorcery just so he could save Merlin. He respected Gaius and had grown up with the man and knew Merlin couldn't have chosen a better person to place his trust in. Arthur would never come betwen them, not when they all meant so much to each other now.
"It is though, in a way." Merlin was beside him now, hands tucked up by his shoulders, holding the straps of the pack. "It's our secret really, because my magic's there for you."
Arthur didn't agree. Merlin was there for him, not his magic. He explained it to Merlin, who nodded thoughtfully.
"I guess so, but it's all the same isn't it? My magic is me, I'm magic..." It was far easier now to accept the words and Arthur wondered if he'd known about Merlin's magic long before, only to have his father's lessons installed so deep that he'd forgotten what he'd seen. It had taken someone to force him to see for him to realise it made sense.
Merlin's fingers bumped against his as they walked and Arthur smiled.
"I suppose it is isn't it," he murmured, catching Merlin's fingers with his own, curling their hands together. The contact didn't last long - it wasn't practical - but it felt right, comfortable and something that Arthur needed. How he'd managed to get along without the touches before, Arthur had no idea.
They walked side-by-side, enjoying the warmth of the sun. Bird-song filled the gaps in their conversations, knitting the journey together with smiles, however ridiculous that sounded.
"You're turning me into a sap," Arthur muttered, directed to Merlin. The words had been barely audible so it was unlikely Merlin had heard exactly what Arthur had said, but it didn't stop the smile forming on his face.
"There," Merlin said, eyes fixed ahead of them.
Arthur followed his gaze to see the familiar turrets of Camelot. His heart leapt, as it always did when he set eyes on his home, but there was something different this time.
"Our home," Arthur said, drawing his eyes away from Camelot and to Merlin.
They moved together, covering the land between them and the castle, and despite all they'd said, Arthur could feel Merlin tense up. This time, words wouldn't be enough and Arthur knew he had to show Merlin how much he meant to the whole of Camelot.
Perhaps a talk with Lancelot was in order.
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to your soul as it floats out off the window
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| part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | part six | part seven | part eight | part nine | part ten |
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin
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to the world that never let you be
Part Eight
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"So much," he repeated tilting his head to kiss Arthur's brow, like a mother may to her son. It was a tender kiss, different to the promises along his jaw. This kiss spoke of meaning, of the tenderness and kindness Merlin gave to him. And though it was chaste, innocent, there was a deeper press of lips, as if reminding Arthur that there was so much more than the kisses he'd received so far.
Gently, Merlin tilted Arthur's head with his hands, warm pressure points under his jaw. Two kisses were placed, one on each eye, that spoke of a bright future, one they would create together with the people they loved.
Merlin's eyelashes brushed the bridge of his nose, lips pressing to the tip for a brief moment before Merlin was suddenly gone, out of Arthur's space completely. He opened his eyes slowly, searching for a meaning behind why Merlin had left, before he saw the smile and the tilt of Merlin's own chin, knowing what he had to offer in return.
Tiny kisses were first, uncertain against slight-stubble. He traced Merlin's jaw, committing it to memory - just like he would with every other inch - before clutching at Merlin's hands, jittery despite all odds.
"It's always been you," Arthur said to the kiss on Merlin's brow, understanding now his emotions of the past years, seeing beyond his attraction for Gwen. Gwen was nice, yes, but she could never compare to Merlin. No one could and it had always been about Merlin. Arthur had simply adopted his father's blindness and never looked beyond the surface.
He made his own promises of the future against the thin skin of Merlin's eyelids. He pulled back with a smile, moving to make the last kiss he needed to, against the tip of Merlin's nose. A simple kiss, without flattery or embellishment; a kiss of honesty.
"I don't need you like that," Merlin said, his voice low and cautious. Arthur understood.
"I know. And neither do I, but I still want you." His voice was calm, eyes locked on Merlin's a short distance away. They'd parted, hands the only skin touching now, but they hadn't gone far. If he wished to, with the slightest movement he could be pressed to Merlin's skin, but there was one last point to address.
They needed each other, yes. They were going to be there for one another, always. But that didn't mean they had to commit themselves to each other, that they didn't have to pursue more than a friendship.
That wasn't them though. Their path was together, joined for eternity. Merlin's eyes betrayed his feelings, so much so that the hope that Arthur wanted to continue was practically swimming in his eyes.
"I had to-" Merlin began, only to be interrupted.
"I understand. This isn't an obligation or a reward," and yes, Arthur noticed the twitch of humour to Merlin's lips there, "Just me and you."
"How it should be," Merlin murmured and Arthur moved forwards, just a twitch, to kiss Merlin's mouth gently, lingering for a moment before pulling back.
Shadows flittered around them, minute specks covering the stars. The bats moved quickly, streaking through the darkness, but they caught Arthur's attention for a moment. How did it feel to constantly be on your toes? To flitter about in every direction, curve upwards at a slight moment's notice, to be able to change direction so fluidly? It was how Merlin had operated, ever since he'd come to Camelot; ever since he'd been born.
They weren't going to make quick decisions now, though. Some situations called for them, but they didn't have to make this one of those situations. They didn't have to rush towards a goal, didn't have to speed past anything, but could just relax, finally. Whatever they had nurtured between them could stay there, gently growing. There were no quick decisions, no hurried choices or weighted lies. It was Merlin and Arthur in their little world, waiting.
Arthur didn't know if things would change when the sun rose. It wasn't something he'd been given a lot of time to think about throughout their conversation and he didn't want to think about it now; not when Merlin's hands were warm and soft in his own, tightening their hold just before they kissed.
In this kiss, a proper kiss, Arthur committed himself to Merlin. It didn't matter that he wouldn't say it aloud or even make Merlin aware of the fact, but as one of Merlin's hands came to curl on his bicep, Arthur made a silent pledge. He'd be there for Merlin, as he'd said, but he'd also love him, in more ways than one.
It was hard to even think about it, but the slide of Merlin against his lips eased the doubts and calmed the fears. Arthur wasn't an emotional person - or at least wasn't the sort to openly display his emotions, the personal ones. If ever there was need to think about something personal, he'd put it off for later, carry on with whatever it was until he was backed against a wall and had no other option but to think about it.
So, for once, he was going to think about it when he had other options. It would be easier not to think, just to push against Merlin and sink them down, but that didn't have a meaning. If Arthur didn't think then the whole night would have been a waste. Sure he'd found out about Merlin's scars, but unless he processed it properly, took things slowly, what had it all been for?
Because it was easy to see now. He loved Merlin, in the sense that he was a close friend and needed him, but also in the sense that he could grow to love him, romantically and wholly. There was a link between them (a 'destiny' Merlin had said), but it was just growing. It needed care and attention, like all links did; it wasn't something Arthur could afford to throw away.
They still had issues to address, but after all the talking they'd done, there was plenty time for more.
"What will happen-" Merlin began, pulling back for a moment. Arthur met his gaze, pupils dilated, before he moved forwards, a hair's width away from Merlin.
"We don't need to think about that now. Camelot and everything else can wait for the morning, for once." Arthur's reply was hurried, but he needed Merlin to see the significance of this night, to realise that yes, things would change when they got back, but they could have this time perfectly to themselves.
Merlin smiled, kissing Arthur and then drawing back. "Okay," he said, "But just so you know we haven't finished."
"I don't think we ever will," Arthur said. Merlin let out a huff of laughter, breath smoothing over Arthur's lips like a caress.
At this proximity, Arthur could see the tiredness on Merlin's face and the shadows under his eyes. It was late; the moon was high, just a sliver above barely providing any light, and their fire was dying down to embers now. Their conversation had been loaded and emotional, so Arthur knew why Merlin was so tired. And even though common sense told him to go to sleep, he couldn't give this moment up, not just yet.
They kissed again, slowly and a little hesitantly. It would be easy to compare Merlin's kisses to someone else (Gwen, the Lady Vivian to name just two), but they weren't really comparable. He'd never kissed another man before either, but even so... Merlin was different.
And why shouldn't he be different? It was more honest, their kiss, and Arthur felt more open than he'd ever been. It was how Merlin made him feel every moment of the day, but it didn't scare him. He may not have realised it before, but now that he could see how open and alive Merlin made him, it was also as though he'd realised the safety that came with that.
Through thick and thin, he'd had a protector. One who was going to be there for his life, just as Arthur would be in return. He wasn't a prince to Merlin, but just Arthur the idiot who needed saving again and again. That was why this was different; they were equal.
(He could go on about how Gwen and the noble-born ladies he'd been romantically involved with were equal, but they weren't. The noble ladies may have genuinely liked him, but Court was a vicious place where any foot on the next rung of the social ladder was the goal of everyone under the royal family.
Gwen wasn't like that and as much as Arthur loved her, realistically they couldn't work. She wouldn't challenge Arthur - unlike Merlin - unless she had no choice but to challenge him, when she thought there was no other option but to say something. While Merlin would voice his thoughts, Gwen would wait. It was for that reason Arthur knew it would never work; he couldn't wait, but Lancelot could.)
Their kiss broke and Merlin gave a slight sigh. Questioningly, Arthur brushed fingertips against Merlin's cheek, seeking his eyes. Had he done something wrong? Was this not what Merlin had wanted at all?
He wasn't used to feeling this out of his depth. Usually Arthur was in charge, in command and knew everything that was going on. When he was with Merlin, it was as if he was floating in air, unsure where the wind would take him next, but unwilling to let the sensation go. It wasn't bad, but he wasn't used to feeling out of sorts, not understanding.
Though wasn't that the point of a relationship? A proper one, to understand the person you're committing yourself to and work with them until you fully understand them? So no, it wasn't a bad feeling, but a new feeling, something he wasn't quite used to yet.
"We shouldn't be doing this," came Merlin's voice, low and thick with undeterminable emotion. Arthur's pulse began to race. Was that it? Everything over before it had begun?
"What do you mean?" he asked, voice a hoarse whisper. He had no courage on this shaky ground, but he wasn't ashamed to admit it. What better man to lose his courage to than Merlin?
"I want this, you, us, more than anything, but I can't..." Merlin broke off, tilting away from the knuckles laid bare on his cheek, turning to the darkness and away from Arthur.
"What? You can't what?" Arthur wouldn't let him, not now. He knew Merlin, knew his secrets and his desires. He knew what kind of a man Merlin was and he understood, which was the most important thing. He wouldn't let Merlin get away with this, just because it may look like an easier route or not be the 'best' thing.
How could he know what the best thing was anyway? He couldn't, not unless he'd tried. Merlin had been through tougher things, far worse than being with Arthur. So why wouldn't he try for this?
"I can't just have one night." Merlin's eyes were shut tightly, face shadowed.
A soft, warm smile curled Arthur's lips. He moved his hand again, to press against the bare nape of Merlin's neck, pulling him gently back round to face him.
"I'll give you every night for the rest of our lives if you want," Arthur began, voice low, "But don't turn away before we've started."
It was sickening, really, how soppy Merlin could make him. How Arthur would be willing to give his nights away for Merlin with just a blink of an eye. And, more importantly, how he'd be willing to say it aloud, to the person it was about.
Merlin shook his head slightly, "But what about your father? Gwen? Camelot?"
The look in Merlin's eyes was a look Arthur knew well. He'd seen it in looking-glasses in the morning, before anyone was awake. He'd seen it in his younger self, mainly, but the look occasionally returned, especially now that Uther was ill again. It was a look of doubt and honest fear, a look that Arthur hated, but without it - what was he? If he didn't have his fear, if he wasn't scared of the mistakes he could make when he was alone, was he even a person anymore?
Uther thought sorcerers were the evil of the land, but what about the people who forgot their fear? What of the people who buried it down so far that they couldn't remember it any longer and never questioned what they might be doing, whether their actions were for the good or their own selfish needs?
Arthur questioned himself. Not on simple things like had he signed the right document or was what he'd done good enough, but he questioned himself on what he could do better, what he could do for his people. Uther, to a degree, hadn't questioned himself for some time, but that was okay now, because Arthur was there to step up to the plate. Thanks to the people around him (and Merlin, Merlin was the driving force), he was ready now.
"Unless there's a miracle, my father won't get better." Merlin turned his lips down as if to make a remark about how that wasn't true, but Arthur didn't want to hear it and so he paused. No lies, just the truth, and Merlin looked into Arthur's eyes again.
"I knew it ages ago; Gwen's not going to love me forever. I've seen how Lancelot looks at her, and how she looks back at him in secret." Arthur closed his eyes for a moment because, yes, he might not feel as he did for Gwen before, but they'd loved each other in a different way.
They'd still been lovers, in essence, and realising you'd never have that was painful, no matter the circumstances. It was just he had something much better now, something more and true. The pain would last for a short time, passing as all things do in their natural way.
Merlin was looking at him now, as if he was a beacon of light through a bog. The words were what he'd wanted to hear, truthful and yet full of promise and future.
"Don't even try to deny that Camelot needs us. Without you we'd all be flattened by now," Arthur said, smiling. The answering smile Merlin gave was blinding, and he leaned towards Arthur, pressing their lips together slowly, relishing in the contact.
"No more obstacles?" Arthur asked gently, ridiculously. There were always going to be obstacles, but they'd overcome them. When Arthur questioned, Merlin would answer and when Merlin doubted, Arthur would reassure. Always.
"Not out here," Merlin dipped his head in agreement, planting a small kiss to the side of Arthur's mouth.
"Good," Arthur said.
The night fell thick around them as the fire slowly dwindled, the embers dying one by one. It was still warm, but the heat would soon be gone and it was Arthur's signal that they needed to sleep.
"We should go to bed, " Merlin said, as if reading his thoughts. Arthur's hand was still at the base of his neck, fingers trailing along the fine hairs there while Merlin placed his own fingers on Arthur's knee.
They stared at each other for a few moments, neither wanting the moment to end, before a wisp of wind breezed next to them, sending a chill between them. It spurred movement and Arthur set off across to the pile of bedding, bringing Merlin with him.
They set the bedding out to share, covers overlapping each other on the ground and blankets padded around the both of them, bodies curled together. It wasn't a perfect position - in fact Arthur was sure he's have a bad back in the morning from the rock he was currently half-lying on - but Merlin was tucked against him, limbs fitted to Arthur's as if they'd been made as a matching pair.
Sleep didn't settle at once, so instead Arthur looked up at the stars. They were beautiful and amazing yes, but they only held his attention for a little while, before he turned back to Merlin, eyes raking over his shadowed features. No matter the light, no matter the angle, Arthur couldn't imagine ever growing bored of looking at Merlin. He was expressive, true, but even when he was dreaming up stories of magical woodland animals and miles away from the present day, Merlin was captivating.
"What are you thinking about?" Merlin asked huskily, sleep half-claiming him. The fire had died down to ashed embers now, a few glowing speckles in a mass of snowy-grey and charred black. The moon set some light down, but most of what Arthur could see (imagine) of Merlin was from the memories and touches he'd compiled, all firsts of many.
"You," he said in reply, giving a little snort of laughter as Merlin jabbed an elbow into his ribs. "I honestly am," Arthur added, voice drawing to a serious tone. "Enjoying the moment I suppose."
And not thinking about returning to Camelot was the unadded thought, but Merlin could hear it. Had always been able to hear what Arthur had never said, really. Merlin tucked his knees up a little higher, pushing himself up a little until he was tucked in the crook of Arthur's neck, lips close to his ear.
Things were certain to change when they returned to Camelot, it was unavoidable. But they could think about that tomorrow, when the sun rose and their night was a happy memory. When all they could see was the truths and forget that the lies had ever existed. The lies didn't matter anymore, not when Arthur had gained so much with the truth.
"Thank you," Merlin said softly, his voice muddied by sleep. Arthur felt his own eyes draw down, the pull of sleep too much to resist now.
"You don't need to thank me," he murmured in reply, laying a kiss on Merlin's head, soaking in the warmth they shared now, content to fall into a deep slumber and forget about the world.
.
but I whisper that I love this man, now and for forever
.
Arthur woke slowly, eyes blinking away the sunlight. A breeze floated on his cheeks and it was so very like any other hunting trip that he was suddenly unsure that the night before hadn't been a dream.
Slowly, almost afraid to look around the clearing just in case Merlin had slept across from him, far away and out of reach, much unlike he'd been in Arthur's dreams, Arthur propped himself up. Relief flooded through him as he saw Merlin, curled up with his back to Arthur, clutching the blankets they'd shared to his chest, fast asleep still.
There was no malice on his face while he slept. Uther had often said that you could tell who a sorcerer ws by watching them sleep. They had no souls, or at least corrupted souls, and they'd sleep with a grimace or twisted smile, the only proof of their trechery and danger to the kingdom. There was no evil look to Merlin, just a slack mouth, lips curled a little and eyes screwed shut against the sun's morning rays.
Letting Merlin sleep (he never took a day off after all and Arthur knew that when his manservant was late, it was usually down to Gaius needing his help than oversleeping), Arthur slid from their makeshift bed, packing up what he could. Usually he would have had Merlin do it, but Merlin had already done so much. And while packing up a camp wasn't a lot, Arthur couldn't let it slide. He had to start somewhere and if he didn't start off small, how could he pledge to be the best he could be? If a king was prepared to overlook the manual tasks, what did that mean for his people?
The sun had risen even higher by the time Merlin rose, the shadows under his eyes lightened and face brighter than it had been for weeks. Arthur was standing by the remains of their campfire, kicking through the ash with his foot to make sure the embers wouldn't spark off again, but mainly it was to give himself something to do.
"You should have woken me," Merlin said, rubbing his eyes and pushing back the blankets. He walked over to Arthur's side, slotting into the space perfectly.
And because it was so easy, so right, Arthur wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer. His foot was still kicking around the pool of ashes and Merlin wrapped his own arm, resting his hand on Arthur's hip, supporting him. As always.
"Nothing's changed since last night," Arthur said after a pause, setting his foot down. It didn't matter that it would be covered in ash and charcoal, but Merlin, who he could focus on now, did matter. "Even when we're back in Camelot, everything that happened last night... I want it to change everything from before."
Merlin's smile was sad and he reached out to stroke Arthur's cheek, pressing a lingering kiss against his lips before pulling back, regretfully.
"What?" Arthur asked quietly, moving forwards where Merlin moved back.
"It can't change," Merlin replied slowly, burying his forehead against Arthur's shoulder, hands moving to wrap around Arthur, stroking his back through the material of his tunic. "Everything I've done carries a death threat and everything I'll continue to do is just the same."
Was that it then? After everything that had been said and done, all it equated to was something not worth mentioning? Just sweep it under the carpet, all because of Uther?
"If you think I'd ever let my father-"
"It's not that," Merlin cut in, his fingers pressing to Arthur's shoulderblades. "I know you'd never let anything happen, but Camelot isn't ready yet."
Merlin hadn't thought he was ready though, had he?
"I'm not saying I'll ask my father to bring magic back," Arthur said, hands cupping the back of Merlin's neck, drawing him closer and moving to cup his face. He looked at Merlin, eyes never tiring of looking at him, memorising him. "But if you think you can just go back to being alone, you're wrong."
He'd called Merlin many things before, but he'd never known the man behind the image then. There was so much more conviction to the one word 'wrong' than there had been in all the 'idiot's put together. He knew Merlin now and he knew he was wrong. His words meant something and Arthur knew Merlin realised it too.
"Things are going to change," he repeated, voice level. "You're not getting out of your duties, though you may lack certain skills."
A flash of annoyance crossed Merlin's face and Arthur fought down a smile. Merlin was still the exact same person as he was before, Arthur just hadn't seen all of him. He'd been cast in shadow before, but now he was free, bearing his scars like every man and holding his secrets high. And it was this man, the one who was bared for the world to see, that Arthur knew he loved.
"But if you need to do something, you'll come to me. You can talk to Gaius, Lancelot and whoever else you need to, but I want to be there." Merlin's face softened. "Even if it's just to stomp about my chambers while you go on some ridiculous mission to capture a lock of hair from a unicorn or something. I've had enough unicorns for a lifetime thank you," Arthur muttered, the words still sincere.
"I'd never let you get out of something like that," Merlin replied, smiling again. It was still a small smile, but one that Arthur felt proud for putting on his face.
"I want you to attend council too." Merlin's eyebrows rose in surprise and Arthur continued. "Obviously you won't be allowed a seat and you'll have to serve me... but I'd like you there so I can ask of your opinion when we're in private."
Merlin clearly needed time to adjust to the new request and he looked away. Suddenly, Arthur wasn't sure he'd stepped in the right place, made the right move and tightened his grip on Merlin's neck slightly, curling his hand at the back and smoothing his hands over the skin of Merlin's back.
"You don't have to," he said hurriedly. The last thing he wanted to do was force Merlin into anything and council sessions weren't, perhaps, the most enjoyable of things.
"No, it's not that," Merlin assured him, eyes bright and smile wide as he looked back to Arthur. "I just... well you're looking to me for advice? Me? The guy who stumbles over everything and cares far too much for woodland creatures?"
Arthur nodded. "The man who's saved my life and-"
"Oh shut up," Merlin said, rolling his eyes. "That's only who I am part of the time you know. My life doesn't completely revolve around you." He smiled, the words lighthearted.
"Well you should change that quickly then," Arthur said, hands slipping down Merlin's side. "After all, I'm the most important person around and you are my servant you know."
Moving from their embrace, Merlin laughed, giving a mocking bow before helping Arthur to fold up the blankets.
"Of course Sire, whatever you wish, Sire." Merlin sighed through a smile, shaking his head a little as he watched Arthur pack up the blankets.
"I never thought this would be possible," he said, catching Arthur's eye. He took the pack Arthur offered to him, slinging it onto his back. "I never thought I'd still be friends with you after I told you, to be honest."
Arthur was slightly offended by the words and said as much. Merlin shrugged his shoulders, "Well you can harly blame me for it, but I suppose you would have come around. You can be decent when you want."
Darting forwards, he kissed Arthur again, drawing his bottom lip between teeth and lightly sucking. The kiss wasn't particularly long, but it differed to everything Arthur had known before, which seemed to be the running theme with Merlin.
"I suppose we need to head back then," Merlin said as they parted, eyelashes brushing Arthur's cheek as he leant his head in for a moment. "Can I tell Gaius you know?"
Arthur started walking, the sword he had strapped on a short while ago feeling heavier than it had for years.
"You can tell whoever you want Merlin," he replied, half-turning and smiling as Merlin stumbled through the bushes - just as he had the night before. "It's not exactly up to me who you trust and if you want Gaius to know, then you should tell him."
Gaius had been there when Arthur couldn't. Moments in their timeline made far more sense now; Gaius standing up for Merlin time and time again, even to the point of admitting sorcery just so he could save Merlin. He respected Gaius and had grown up with the man and knew Merlin couldn't have chosen a better person to place his trust in. Arthur would never come betwen them, not when they all meant so much to each other now.
"It is though, in a way." Merlin was beside him now, hands tucked up by his shoulders, holding the straps of the pack. "It's our secret really, because my magic's there for you."
Arthur didn't agree. Merlin was there for him, not his magic. He explained it to Merlin, who nodded thoughtfully.
"I guess so, but it's all the same isn't it? My magic is me, I'm magic..." It was far easier now to accept the words and Arthur wondered if he'd known about Merlin's magic long before, only to have his father's lessons installed so deep that he'd forgotten what he'd seen. It had taken someone to force him to see for him to realise it made sense.
Merlin's fingers bumped against his as they walked and Arthur smiled.
"I suppose it is isn't it," he murmured, catching Merlin's fingers with his own, curling their hands together. The contact didn't last long - it wasn't practical - but it felt right, comfortable and something that Arthur needed. How he'd managed to get along without the touches before, Arthur had no idea.
They walked side-by-side, enjoying the warmth of the sun. Bird-song filled the gaps in their conversations, knitting the journey together with smiles, however ridiculous that sounded.
"You're turning me into a sap," Arthur muttered, directed to Merlin. The words had been barely audible so it was unlikely Merlin had heard exactly what Arthur had said, but it didn't stop the smile forming on his face.
"There," Merlin said, eyes fixed ahead of them.
Arthur followed his gaze to see the familiar turrets of Camelot. His heart leapt, as it always did when he set eyes on his home, but there was something different this time.
"Our home," Arthur said, drawing his eyes away from Camelot and to Merlin.
They moved together, covering the land between them and the castle, and despite all they'd said, Arthur could feel Merlin tense up. This time, words wouldn't be enough and Arthur knew he had to show Merlin how much he meant to the whole of Camelot.
Perhaps a talk with Lancelot was in order.
.
to your soul as it floats out off the window
.
| part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | part six | part seven | part eight | part nine | part ten |