RETURN OF THE SPORK
What better way to take part in a revival that by going back to something I started before the community went sleepy-bye? Oh yes, I'm going there.
WELCOME TO ALCHEMY AND WITCHCRAFT, CHAPTER TWO.
For part one, just look back a bit. It's not too far.
I hope you're all happy now.
Alyssa descended
(Into the abyss, the origin of all Sues.)
down the flight stairs of the military building, not tarrying the quiet footsteps behind that followed her like her own shadow;
(How can one ‘tarry quiet footsteps’? I must admit, I am stumped.)
but only to quicken her pace when she heard the once quiet footsteps grew louder.
(Does ANYONE understand that sentence? It was like…UGH GRAMMAR GO BOOM!)
She inwardly groaned knowing now that now questions are going to be throw at her.
(Ok, ok, ok. One, there are too many ‘now’s in this sentence. Two? TENSES, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET THEM STRAIGHT! There are like, three different tenses in that one sentence alone!)
"Hey!" a voice yelled that belongs to (AURGH THEY DID IT AGAIN) an annoyed male flower, clearly upset that no bees had come to gather its pollen.
"What?" Alyssa yelled back but continued to walk down the stairs, (PERIOD GOES HERE) she didn't bother to turn around. She felt that she already wasted her enough of her time in that office,
(*facepalm* How about the time Ed and Al wasted looking for you, betch? HOW ABOUT THAT?)
even if she did find the conversation with the Flame Alchemist intriguing.
(*disgusted lip curl* This is going into RoyxSuexEd territory and I DON’T LIKE IT.)
She always wanted to know more about alchemist,
(Not alchemists, mind you. Alchemist. Just one. Singular alchemist.)
talking to one face to face was better than reading about them from written paper.
(Written paper. WRITTEN PAPER. *headdesk* Don’t you mean; ‘reading about them in the paper’? Or maybe ’reading about them from written word’? I mean, even that’s iffy.
UGH MUST NOT FALL INTO GRAMMAR FIT)
Roy Mustang, didn't seem to mind entertaining the girl,
(Roy never minds entertaining the ladeeez.)
(Roy: I mind Sues.)
even when her father apologised her never-ending rill of questions; and the death glares he was recieving from Riza Hawkeye.
( >:( Riza’s freakin’ awesome! Stop making her out to be some jealous soulless witch!)
"Brother please!" another voice pleaded, slightly childish and hollow.
(Al: Like my portrayal in this fic!)
"What Al?" Ed retorted. "She-" Ed began, Alyssa whirled around Ed got captured by her unique eyes.
(Unique? Unique how, exactly? DO THEY SHOOT HOLY LIGHT FROM THEIR SOCKETS THAT WILL SOLVE ALL OF EARTH’S TROUBLES???
IT BURRRRNSSSS USSSSSSSSSS.)
Anger blazed in them; the desire to get home and continue her craft she had been working for months.
Ts(Ok, ok. This Suethor REALLY need to learn how a sentence is constructed. Also, can ‘the desire to get home and continue her craft she had been working for months’ blaze in somebody’s eyes? Was that even English?)
"I said I was sorry for the trouble I've cause you,"
(OMFG TENSES. The correct tense would be ‘sorry for the trouble I’ve caused you.’ CAUSED.
CAUSED.)
she said, her voice impatient as she shifted her eyes from the two brothers. "I didn't know that my father would send someone to look for me. He knows my sense of direction-but I guess this place is so big it made him nervous. And again I'm so sorry, Edward, Alphonse." With that she turned and started back down the stairs.
(I imagine her leaving with a flounce.)
"Wait-wait, wait, wait," Al's kind voice said. "Let's all try to be rational and not get into each other's throats," he pleaded.
(…They weren’t. She ‘apologized’ and was leaving. JUST LET HER GO.)
Alyssa gave an irritated sigh but waited because of the kind voice.
( No, don’t wait! LEAVE!)
"Why aren't you surprised that-"
(This is a load of crap? Naw, I been through this sorta thing before.)
"You're in a tin suit of armor?
(Wait, what? *squint at fic* Does she mean just that he’s in a suit of armor, or that he’s a soul in a suit of armor? I CAN’T TELL. Also, I doubt it's made of tin.)
The Flame Alchemist explained it to me,"
(Ugh, still can’t tell. Fanfic!Roy has a nasty habit of telling things to Sues that he really shouldn’t.)
she beamed a smile up the younger brother. "And I've seen so much weirder things enough for a life time." That almost get me killed. Its amazing that I'm still here.
(*grumble* Wish you weren’t…)
"Oh, yeah?" Ed asked curiously. "Like what?" Ed probed.
(ARGH, grammar. DROP THE ‘Ed probed.’ It is an entirely unnecessary add-on.)
Alyssa bit back her tongue and immediately stiffen at the realisation of what she had said;
(*flat look* What, that she’s seen some weird stuff? So what? EVERYONE in Amestris has seen weird things. It's like a magnet for everything that is f*cked up.)
she could feel the wheel in her mind working over time thinking of a possible explanation to cover this up.
(OH PLEASE. She could say anything to cover this up. ANYTHING! Even ‘MYOB’ would have sufficed!)
(Sue: I uh, saw a baby with an arm for a head!)
(Ed: Oh, is THAT all.)
She decided that if she couldn't think of a suitible story then she will have to retreat.
(Is she really that dumb?)
I can't believe I just let that slip from my mouth! (Oh NO a vague statement that could mean anything passed my lips! WHAT SHALL I DO!?!?!?!?!?!!?!11) She scolded herself and mentally smacked herself for her recklessness.
(Wow.)
"W-w-well, err... too many to name." she then started to run down the last flight of the stairs.
"HEY!" both the Elrics shouted at the same time.
"Come on Al." Ed growled under his breath.
(Bleh, so contrived. The only reason they’re following her is to move the plot ahead. Normally, Ed would have just been like ‘STOOPID GIRLS AND THEIR ~FEELINGS~’ and dragged Al off, back to whatever important stuff they were doing BEFORE this fiasco.)
As they chased the girl down the stairs, Alyssa pulled out a small vial that she always kept in her pocket, filled with purple liquid, she always kept it if she wanted to make a quick getaway.
(e_e; I am not excited.)
After bursting through the front door and feeling the warm sun hit her, she apologized to people that she pushed passed. Wow, running away from demons paid off! Alyssa smirked to herself.
(NO.
I draw the line at demons.)
Man she's fast! What is she hiding?
(Ooh, maybe a trophy from field and track!)
Ed thought, he spotted her run into an nearby alley and followed her. For someone who has a good sense of direction she's running into a dead end.
(This sentence’s lack of logic affronts me. Regardless of whether or not she had a good sense of direction, SHE WOULD STILL BE RUNNING TOWARDS A DEAD END. Maybe if you said; ‘For someone who has a good sense of direction, she’s not showing it, he thought as she ran towards a dead end.’ )
He watched her as she reached the end and he slowed his pace. Then he saw her throwing something down near her feet and in a blink of an eye vanished.
(First reaction: Bad, purple knock-off of Floo Powder, sans fire.
Second reaction: SHE’S A NINJAAAAAAAAAA!)
"Brother!" Al finally caught up with him. "What's wrong?"
Ed snapped out of his trance walked towards the spot he last seen her.
"Brother?"
"I don't know what happened, Al. She was here then she wasn't." Ed replied. "'Weird things' she said. Yeah, I say she's part of something.
(Or she’s a ninjaaaaaaaaaa.)
Come on Al, let's get her address from her father."
(Wouldn’t that seem a little suspicious to the father of a teen girl?)
(Ed: Yo, I’m that loud guy you thought was ‘abusive’ earlier. Give me your address. I have stuff to talk about with your teen daughter.)
(The Rock:…Ok.)
"This is her house?"Ed exclaimed (Comma.) amazed.
"It more like an mansion!" Al said (COMMA.) surprised as his brother.
"Come on Al." Ed knocked on the front door and heard footsteps approaching.
The door opened and a small timid girl answered, both her eyes are the same brown as Alyssa's.
"Yes?" She casted her eyes (in bronze. Also, unnecessary ‘ed’. ‘Cast’ works just fine.) over the two of them.
"Hey, there." Ed said in a soft tone and bent down eye level to the girl. "Is Alyssa Johnson here?"
"What do you want with her?" she frowned.
(Ed: I want to smack her for wasting my time.)
"We're..." he choose his words carefully, the little girl was very defensive and it appeared that she was ready to slam the door on his face at any second. "Friends of hers and-" Before he can say anymore he heard her voice.
"Hey, Stel, who is at the-oh..." Alyssa stopped when she saw the Elric brothers standing there. She took a moment to think. "Hey, Stella, go play with Connie, I bet she's lonely."
"Connie's asleep," Stella said.
(Stella: Are you trying to get rid of me so you can make out with the blonde one?)
"Then go feed Flo." Her voice was tight as she spoke and looked down at the girl.
(Stella: YOU ARE TRYING TO GET RID OF ME)
"Ok." Stella said and headed towards the kitchen.
Alyssa waited until she was out of view. "Ok, what do you want?"
"That little disappearing act," Ed answered simply.
(Ed: I want it. GIVES TO ME MAGIC DISSAPEARINGS ACTS.)
"Nope. Doesn't ring any bells," Alyssa answered quickly and tried to close the door she put all her weight down on the door, only to realise that it didn't close because Ed had placed his boot between the door and the doorframe. The girl gave out an annoyed groan.
(Sorry, that was me.)
"Well, aren't you going to answer?" Ed said impatiently although he seemed amused at her attemp of shutting the door..
Alyssa gave a sigh of defeat and mentally swore. "Hmm... let me think. NO!"
(Oh ho ho that is indeed clever dialogue! Because you see, she made it seem as though she would think about it but never intended to! Oh, not contrived at all!)
Ed forced the door open with his right arm with surprising strength, Alyssa was almost thrown to be ground as she was leaning her weight on to the door.
(Ed: Mind if I break in?)
But Ed didnt seemed to have taken any noticed "You're going to tell me whether you like it or not."
(Ed: SUE, I WILL BREAK YOU.)
"Okay, fine. If that's what will make you leave; it's witchcraft."
(*facepalm* And so it begins.)
"What?" Al said.
(Flapjack: What?)
"Oh, hey, Al, didn't see you there," she gave him a genial smile. "I was too busy dealing with loud-mouth Blondie here." (Are we talking the band or the tasty cookie-bar?)
she matched Ed's glare. "Oh, where are my manners?
(Up your ASS.)
Please, come in." she said in a pleasant tone and stepped away from the door for them, still keeping her eyes glued to Ed. It took all her will power not to slam the door on the State Alchemist as he walked by.
Ugggghhhhhhh god this chapter was just as ~unique~ and *special* as the last one, and I clearly mean that in a very sarcastic way.
One spork for stupid logic-lacking Sue, one for stupid contrived 'storyline', one for the magic and another because I hate it. Feel free to add your own rating, luvs. Tsune out.
WELCOME TO ALCHEMY AND WITCHCRAFT, CHAPTER TWO.
For part one, just look back a bit. It's not too far.
I hope you're all happy now.
Alyssa descended
(Into the abyss, the origin of all Sues.)
down the flight stairs of the military building, not tarrying the quiet footsteps behind that followed her like her own shadow;
(How can one ‘tarry quiet footsteps’? I must admit, I am stumped.)
but only to quicken her pace when she heard the once quiet footsteps grew louder.
(Does ANYONE understand that sentence? It was like…UGH GRAMMAR GO BOOM!)
She inwardly groaned knowing now that now questions are going to be throw at her.
(Ok, ok, ok. One, there are too many ‘now’s in this sentence. Two? TENSES, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET THEM STRAIGHT! There are like, three different tenses in that one sentence alone!)
"Hey!" a voice yelled that belongs to (AURGH THEY DID IT AGAIN) an annoyed male flower, clearly upset that no bees had come to gather its pollen.
"What?" Alyssa yelled back but continued to walk down the stairs, (PERIOD GOES HERE) she didn't bother to turn around. She felt that she already wasted her enough of her time in that office,
(*facepalm* How about the time Ed and Al wasted looking for you, betch? HOW ABOUT THAT?)
even if she did find the conversation with the Flame Alchemist intriguing.
(*disgusted lip curl* This is going into RoyxSuexEd territory and I DON’T LIKE IT.)
She always wanted to know more about alchemist,
(Not alchemists, mind you. Alchemist. Just one. Singular alchemist.)
talking to one face to face was better than reading about them from written paper.
(Written paper. WRITTEN PAPER. *headdesk* Don’t you mean; ‘reading about them in the paper’? Or maybe ’reading about them from written word’? I mean, even that’s iffy.
UGH MUST NOT FALL INTO GRAMMAR FIT)
Roy Mustang, didn't seem to mind entertaining the girl,
(Roy never minds entertaining the ladeeez.)
(Roy: I mind Sues.)
even when her father apologised her never-ending rill of questions; and the death glares he was recieving from Riza Hawkeye.
( >:( Riza’s freakin’ awesome! Stop making her out to be some jealous soulless witch!)
"Brother please!" another voice pleaded, slightly childish and hollow.
(Al: Like my portrayal in this fic!)
"What Al?" Ed retorted. "She-" Ed began, Alyssa whirled around Ed got captured by her unique eyes.
(Unique? Unique how, exactly? DO THEY SHOOT HOLY LIGHT FROM THEIR SOCKETS THAT WILL SOLVE ALL OF EARTH’S TROUBLES???
IT BURRRRNSSSS USSSSSSSSSS.)
Anger blazed in them; the desire to get home and continue her craft she had been working for months.
Ts(Ok, ok. This Suethor REALLY need to learn how a sentence is constructed. Also, can ‘the desire to get home and continue her craft she had been working for months’ blaze in somebody’s eyes? Was that even English?)
"I said I was sorry for the trouble I've cause you,"
(OMFG TENSES. The correct tense would be ‘sorry for the trouble I’ve caused you.’ CAUSED.
CAUSED.)
she said, her voice impatient as she shifted her eyes from the two brothers. "I didn't know that my father would send someone to look for me. He knows my sense of direction-but I guess this place is so big it made him nervous. And again I'm so sorry, Edward, Alphonse." With that she turned and started back down the stairs.
(I imagine her leaving with a flounce.)
"Wait-wait, wait, wait," Al's kind voice said. "Let's all try to be rational and not get into each other's throats," he pleaded.
(…They weren’t. She ‘apologized’ and was leaving. JUST LET HER GO.)
Alyssa gave an irritated sigh but waited because of the kind voice.
( No, don’t wait! LEAVE!)
"Why aren't you surprised that-"
(This is a load of crap? Naw, I been through this sorta thing before.)
"You're in a tin suit of armor?
(Wait, what? *squint at fic* Does she mean just that he’s in a suit of armor, or that he’s a soul in a suit of armor? I CAN’T TELL. Also, I doubt it's made of tin.)
The Flame Alchemist explained it to me,"
(Ugh, still can’t tell. Fanfic!Roy has a nasty habit of telling things to Sues that he really shouldn’t.)
she beamed a smile up the younger brother. "And I've seen so much weirder things enough for a life time." That almost get me killed. Its amazing that I'm still here.
(*grumble* Wish you weren’t…)
"Oh, yeah?" Ed asked curiously. "Like what?" Ed probed.
(ARGH, grammar. DROP THE ‘Ed probed.’ It is an entirely unnecessary add-on.)
Alyssa bit back her tongue and immediately stiffen at the realisation of what she had said;
(*flat look* What, that she’s seen some weird stuff? So what? EVERYONE in Amestris has seen weird things. It's like a magnet for everything that is f*cked up.)
she could feel the wheel in her mind working over time thinking of a possible explanation to cover this up.
(OH PLEASE. She could say anything to cover this up. ANYTHING! Even ‘MYOB’ would have sufficed!)
(Sue: I uh, saw a baby with an arm for a head!)
(Ed: Oh, is THAT all.)
She decided that if she couldn't think of a suitible story then she will have to retreat.
(Is she really that dumb?)
I can't believe I just let that slip from my mouth! (Oh NO a vague statement that could mean anything passed my lips! WHAT SHALL I DO!?!?!?!?!?!!?!11) She scolded herself and mentally smacked herself for her recklessness.
(Wow.)
"W-w-well, err... too many to name." she then started to run down the last flight of the stairs.
"HEY!" both the Elrics shouted at the same time.
"Come on Al." Ed growled under his breath.
(Bleh, so contrived. The only reason they’re following her is to move the plot ahead. Normally, Ed would have just been like ‘STOOPID GIRLS AND THEIR ~FEELINGS~’ and dragged Al off, back to whatever important stuff they were doing BEFORE this fiasco.)
As they chased the girl down the stairs, Alyssa pulled out a small vial that she always kept in her pocket, filled with purple liquid, she always kept it if she wanted to make a quick getaway.
(e_e; I am not excited.)
After bursting through the front door and feeling the warm sun hit her, she apologized to people that she pushed passed. Wow, running away from demons paid off! Alyssa smirked to herself.
(NO.
I draw the line at demons.)
Man she's fast! What is she hiding?
(Ooh, maybe a trophy from field and track!)
Ed thought, he spotted her run into an nearby alley and followed her. For someone who has a good sense of direction she's running into a dead end.
(This sentence’s lack of logic affronts me. Regardless of whether or not she had a good sense of direction, SHE WOULD STILL BE RUNNING TOWARDS A DEAD END. Maybe if you said; ‘For someone who has a good sense of direction, she’s not showing it, he thought as she ran towards a dead end.’ )
He watched her as she reached the end and he slowed his pace. Then he saw her throwing something down near her feet and in a blink of an eye vanished.
(First reaction: Bad, purple knock-off of Floo Powder, sans fire.
Second reaction: SHE’S A NINJAAAAAAAAAA!)
"Brother!" Al finally caught up with him. "What's wrong?"
Ed snapped out of his trance walked towards the spot he last seen her.
"Brother?"
"I don't know what happened, Al. She was here then she wasn't." Ed replied. "'Weird things' she said. Yeah, I say she's part of something.
(Or she’s a ninjaaaaaaaaaa.)
Come on Al, let's get her address from her father."
(Wouldn’t that seem a little suspicious to the father of a teen girl?)
(Ed: Yo, I’m that loud guy you thought was ‘abusive’ earlier. Give me your address. I have stuff to talk about with your teen daughter.)
(The Rock:…Ok.)
"This is her house?"Ed exclaimed (Comma.) amazed.
"It more like an mansion!" Al said (COMMA.) surprised as his brother.
"Come on Al." Ed knocked on the front door and heard footsteps approaching.
The door opened and a small timid girl answered, both her eyes are the same brown as Alyssa's.
"Yes?" She casted her eyes (in bronze. Also, unnecessary ‘ed’. ‘Cast’ works just fine.) over the two of them.
"Hey, there." Ed said in a soft tone and bent down eye level to the girl. "Is Alyssa Johnson here?"
"What do you want with her?" she frowned.
(Ed: I want to smack her for wasting my time.)
"We're..." he choose his words carefully, the little girl was very defensive and it appeared that she was ready to slam the door on his face at any second. "Friends of hers and-" Before he can say anymore he heard her voice.
"Hey, Stel, who is at the-oh..." Alyssa stopped when she saw the Elric brothers standing there. She took a moment to think. "Hey, Stella, go play with Connie, I bet she's lonely."
"Connie's asleep," Stella said.
(Stella: Are you trying to get rid of me so you can make out with the blonde one?)
"Then go feed Flo." Her voice was tight as she spoke and looked down at the girl.
(Stella: YOU ARE TRYING TO GET RID OF ME)
"Ok." Stella said and headed towards the kitchen.
Alyssa waited until she was out of view. "Ok, what do you want?"
"That little disappearing act," Ed answered simply.
(Ed: I want it. GIVES TO ME MAGIC DISSAPEARINGS ACTS.)
"Nope. Doesn't ring any bells," Alyssa answered quickly and tried to close the door she put all her weight down on the door, only to realise that it didn't close because Ed had placed his boot between the door and the doorframe. The girl gave out an annoyed groan.
(Sorry, that was me.)
"Well, aren't you going to answer?" Ed said impatiently although he seemed amused at her attemp of shutting the door..
Alyssa gave a sigh of defeat and mentally swore. "Hmm... let me think. NO!"
(Oh ho ho that is indeed clever dialogue! Because you see, she made it seem as though she would think about it but never intended to! Oh, not contrived at all!)
Ed forced the door open with his right arm with surprising strength, Alyssa was almost thrown to be ground as she was leaning her weight on to the door.
(Ed: Mind if I break in?)
But Ed didnt seemed to have taken any noticed "You're going to tell me whether you like it or not."
(Ed: SUE, I WILL BREAK YOU.)
"Okay, fine. If that's what will make you leave; it's witchcraft."
(*facepalm* And so it begins.)
"What?" Al said.
(Flapjack: What?)
"Oh, hey, Al, didn't see you there," she gave him a genial smile. "I was too busy dealing with loud-mouth Blondie here." (Are we talking the band or the tasty cookie-bar?)
she matched Ed's glare. "Oh, where are my manners?
(Up your ASS.)
Please, come in." she said in a pleasant tone and stepped away from the door for them, still keeping her eyes glued to Ed. It took all her will power not to slam the door on the State Alchemist as he walked by.
Ugggghhhhhhh god this chapter was just as ~unique~ and *special* as the last one, and I clearly mean that in a very sarcastic way.
One spork for stupid logic-lacking Sue, one for stupid contrived 'storyline', one for the magic and another because I hate it. Feel free to add your own rating, luvs. Tsune out.