Comments | fofomazuzu: A Drabble: Sean and Derik (A MUST READ)

fofomazuzu

A Drabble: Sean and Derik (A MUST READ)

Apr 21, 2008 21:25

Title: Sean and Derik
Author: fofomazuzu
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sean has the task of waking Derik up.
Author's Note: This might become a series of drabbles. Because I have ideas in my head for these two. It's also in first person, so I hope I did this right. It's a pretty intense scene too.

( Sean and Derik )

Comments 9

shaynnaloves April 22 2008, 21:35:59 UTC

I like it. Short and to the point, but well written. Only thing is it should be "and his skin shone in the sunlight," not shined. Other than that, very good.

fofomazuzu April 22 2008, 22:15:36 UTC

Thanks for the comment!

I'll go and fix that sentence. Thanks for the tip.

nitroglycerin_x April 22 2008, 23:14:06 UTC

I like it, a lot. It's really well written, plus I love how you ended it without coming to some kind of climax; I adore stories that leave the reader a small gap for their own imagination to... go wild.

Really lovely (:

fofomazuzu April 22 2008, 23:16:09 UTC

I'm happy that you enjoyed it.

gregoria44 April 22 2008, 23:45:30 UTC

I like it. Nice imagery.

there were warning signs like: Keep Out! and Stay Away!, but I didn't listen to them, obviously.

I'd suggest 'but I didn't pay them any attention, obviously' - it's hard to 'listen' to something that doesn't make a sound!

Also, look out for places where you could save words:

Derik was on his bed, with his face down in his pillow

to:

"Derik was on his bed, face down in his pillow"

I stood frozen; my eyes were fixated on the fact that...

to:

"I stood frozen; my eyes fixated on the fact that..."

I stood there, not knowing what to do, and almost forgetting my main goal

to:

"I stood there, not knowing what to do, almost forgetting my main goal"

etc.

It helps with flow, making the story smoother - and saves typing!!

I find it helpful to read my stuff back to myself out loud. It gives a better idea of how things will 'sound' in the reader's head.

Keep going - I want to know more about these fellas!!

fofomazuzu April 23 2008, 00:17:58 UTC

I'm glad you like them.

I'll go see if those tips can work themselves in.

haldoor April 23 2008, 03:16:20 UTC

Keep going, it sounds good so far!

danielefton April 23 2008, 08:48:17 UTC

I always like stories where the parents are understanding and not afraid of things like that.

I hate making critiques because I feel like they can sometimes hamper the writers voice. However, you did ask and you had made comment about writing first person.

It's hard, but try to use 'I' less. It gets repetitive.

I struggled myself up from the recliner. I had spent the night at Derik's house, and we spent the night playing video games and shoving junk food down our throats
I'd suggest getting rid of 'myself', it feels bulky. You could also take remove the first part of the second sentence. "Derik and I had spent the night playing video games and shoving junk food down our throats. I vaguely remember... recliner, Derik must have..." Clues early on in the drabble indicate that Sean is alone, since he is needed to go wake Derik, guessing is a little odd.

My hand lowered towards his skin, stopping before contact was made. I gently let my finger touch him, and trailed it down his spine. Stopping after I noticed that his jeans ( ... )