Interpol Smut
"It is so realistic when you get them to have sex with each other," said Paul. "Seriously. They move perfectly. Watch." He blinked at me- first one eye, then the other, and started rubbing the red gummi bear against the yellow. In the haze of smoke that permeated the back of the room, Paul reminded me of the caterpillar in Alice In Wonderland. The bears writhed in a convincing replica of copulation.
"It is so cool," he said. "See, they can do anal." Another realistic demonstration followed.
"Bear on bear action," he said. "Gna! Gna!"
I nodded. I will never eat gummi bears again.
"This is what I did all day while Carlos was in the shower," Paul continued. "Can they do a 69? Not so much. See, they just form a gelatinous mass. They lose all defining features and become like amoebas."
"Uh huh."
"See, hang on, let me spread this one's legs apart more."
"Okay."
"Okay. So this one came too early and she's all like, unsatisfied and shit, so she's like, 'No, no, no, no, no, no, no.' See, you can even shake her head like this."
"Uh huh."
"So he's like, 'Fine, baby, whatever you want,' so he starts going down oh her, see? His face fits right between her legs, see? See?"
"I see. Hey, that one even has chest hair," I said. Paul looked pleased.
"That's right! They all do, although technically, on her, those are boobs. So anyway, he stays down there for a while." He made more grunting noises followed by a little sigh of satisfaction. "Okay, and so now she can sit on his face and stuff. That one's name is Wanda, by the way, so he's like, 'Wanda! Wanda!' only you can't hear it very well because it's muffled by her crotch."
I covered my mouth with my hand and squealed, 'Wanda! Wanda!' in the highest falsetto I could muster. Dan walked in and bit his lip.
"Paul," he said softly. "Please stop raping gummi bears. We've talked about this before and it's very uncomfortable."
Paul ignored him and wondered aloud. "Let's see. Are there any positions we've missed?" We all thought a moment before Dan whispered,
"Have you tried reverse cowgirl?"
"Excellent!" Paul pointed at him and gave him a knowing look as if to say, "I have to look out for YOU, sir!" and continued with the bears. "She can bounce up and down like this and all you have to do is press her head down and the whole thing works."
"What the hell have I done?" said Dan, but sat down to watch in spite of himself.
"Now they're in the mood for some rough sex," said Paul, and began violently pounding the bears into his palm until they were flattened. When they regained their shape, he continued his narration.
"Now she goes and sits on his face again, because he's like-" here he cleared his throat and delivered in a stacato monotone, "'Oh, baby, I want to suck my come out of your hole.'"
Dan closed his eyes, took in a sharp breath through his nose, and doubled over to cradle his head in his hands. I was helpless to do anything but watch as Paul played out his pageant of sugary horrors, taking no notice of our discomfort.
"So she's like, 'Oh, baby, if you spit real hard it'll all come dripping out. Like douche.'" Paul looked thoughtful. "Hang on, let's get some jelly."
Dan abruptly stood up and left. Paul looked up. "Oh, thanks. I think we have some apricot left," he said, and turned his smiling face back to me before saying, almost kindly,
"But then he suffocates on her pussy." A pause. "So he dies, right?" I nodded and watched as he flicked the red gummi bear across the room with a delicate motion of his forefinger. Silence followed before he frowned a little, pushed up his glasses, and went over to squat down and retrieve it from the floor. He studied it for a moment in which the whole world held its breath in horror before popping the filthy, sticky mass into his mouth.
"WHAT?" he said, scowling at my expression. There were little red flecks on his teeth.
"Nothing," I said.
"Okay," he said, and stood up. "So she's like a big slut, right? So she's like, fucking greenie here with a strap-on two seconds later."
"Hey, let me try," I said.
the end
