Kink, by a virgin: and essay of sorts.
I sometimes wonder if the twin oddlinesses of remaining a virgin at the ripe old age of rapidly-approaching-twenty-seven and reading an awful lot of progressively more kinky fiction and other non-fictional writings in the past… oh, fifteen years, jesus, has it been that long - has left me with kind of weird approach to sex.
You know, theoretically. My current practical approach to sex is pretty pragmatic and involves a lot of AAA batteries and making sure my housemates aren’t in the next room because that’s always awkward.
But my sex life also involves a lot of doing whatever the fuck I want and not feeling ashamed or pressured or bad about anything I do that makes me feel good. If I want a quick orgasm, under the blankets right before I nod off to sleep, then by golly I have speedy, perfunctory sex with myself and sleep in the wet spot. If I want a leisurely night in, I pour myself a glass of wine and do it missionary-style. (Metaphorically.) If I want to spend my Sunday afternoon watching a shitload of porn and seeing how many times I can come before my housemates get home, I pump up the bow-chicka-wowow and get dirty.
And if I want to get off on putting a pretty boy in a skirt and knickers and doing him with a strap on, or being tied up and tormented by a man in a mask, or heavy petting with a shy girl in a school uniform, or totally vanilla married sex, or whatever, that’s between me and my right hand and my fevered imagination. No shame here! Nope! What gets me off gets me off and that’s all cool.
But where I am a little fuzzier about it is when another person gets involved. I mean, I hope one day to have another person in my sex life, that’d be neat! But, like, logistically? Part of what attracts me to kink is not just the kink of it, but the way the communities and writing surrounding kink communities have such a strong focus on negotiation and communication. I like that. I’m not good at reading people. I am epically, fantastically bad at reading people when it comes to sex or romantic interest. I have obliviously wandered away from everything from subtle innuendos to blatant propositions and one time a marriage proposal. Anybody looking to get in my knickers will have to be a) astonishingly patient and b) really really blunt.
And of course it is literally all theoretical to me. When I say virgin, I mean virgin. Anything beyond making out and a little friendly clothed grinding is here be dragons territory, and even that is in the dizzy distant past of my early twenties. And I know I want to try stuff! Heck I have a list, an actual list, of shit I want to try. But that list starts with, like, naked in front of another person. Oral sex! Fingering! And okay, also on the list is strap-ons and crossdressing and bondage and hairpulling and roleplaying and so forth, but it is all stuff I want to try with another person because I have no idea what I’m into. And the line between vanilla sex and kinky sex is pretty fucking blurry from where I’m standing, because it’s all under that heading of ‘sex I’m not having.’
I mean. I know what gets me off, fantasy-wise. But in real life? How the heck do I know without a person to try it out with? There is some stuff I am pretty sure I am not into. There is some stuff I am pretty sure I will like a lot. Everything else, a great big long list, is reply hazy, ask again later, preferably with a person to experiment with. Gets me off in fantasy maybe, but I don’t how I’ll like it in reality.
But I am pretty sure I am not set up for casual sex. It is all cool for people whose motors run that way, but I feel I am a sex-in-relationships person. Which would also be totally groovy if sex weren’t apparently an expected part of ‘relationships’ very early on, like, third-date early on, from what I can tell. Again, we go back to the kink communities with their communication and negotiation etc! Like, just once, I’d like a potential partner-shaped-person to go “So, what are your thoughts and/or boundaries on sex?” rather than assuming they pay for dinner three times and automatically qualify for entry to my vagina. Bluntness! So then I could say, hey, never have, would rather like to if you’ll be a bit patient with me here.
(Because for all my bold talk of lists and kinks and so forth, “Naked in front of another person” is still a BIG SCARY STEP. Patience, theoretical future sex-partner! Patience is key.)
I have lost my place in my morass of self-pity over why won’t anybody have sex with meeeeee. Wait.
No, I remember. I was reading some silly ladies magazine and they were like, spice up your sex life! Surprise your partner by tying them up with a stocking and gagging them or something stupid! Gasp, so kinky and daring!
And I was all, okay a) That is unsafe bondage practice, you do not tie somebody up without their consent or at least giving them a way to indicate nonconsent. I mean, God, people. Manners. Basic safety. One time I tied my sister to a table and she nearly strangled because I wasn’t watching her, but I was eleven and she was very annoying and I got in lots of trouble. Now I know you should never restrain somebody by the neck or leave a tied-up person alone.
And b) Wait, that’s considered tres shocking and kinky and daring? So shocking and kinky and daring that even talking about it is shameful and beyond the pale? Do people really have such difficulty using their words to communicate with the people they’re having sex with? And then I start wondering if I am really so far out on end of the sex-norm bell curve, because “Hey babe, I was thinking we could try some bondage maybe. How do you feel about being tied up? Or tying me up? Or - not both at once, obviously, because that would get awkward fast, but we could try both at different times, just to see!” actually sounds like a fun and interesting conversation I could have with a person I regularly share my body with. No?
And again, here is where my confusion with the difference between kinky and vanilla falls down. Theoretically, I understand that certain acts are considered mainstream and standard while others are non-standard and therefore ‘kinky’. And I understand, theoretically, that those mainstream, standard acts generally don’t get negotiated. Things like PIV sex or oral sex or whatever. But I think I want to negotiate those. Not to say no, but just to fucking talk about them, you know? “I am going to get inside your personal space and do [x] to your body” needs to be fucking talked about, whether [x] is “put my mouth on your genitals” or “tie you up and beat you with a riding crop”. It doesn’t have to be some big production, but, like, say it! With your words and everything!
And yes, I am saying all of this without any practical experience whatsoever in negotiating sex. Once I have a person with whom I have sex, maybe it will all be much clearer and more sensible to me. I hope so.
Because if our society has gotten to the point where talking about the sex we’re having with the person we’re having sex with is more taboo than actually having that sex, however vanilla, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want on that fun train. I talk a lot, I like talking. More to the point, I like things being clear and unambivalent. I like being able to say ‘yes to this, no to this, maybe to this let’s give it a shot.’ I can’t imagine that I would enjoy being with a partner and not knowing that they liked what we were doing. It’s not that just I’m bad at reading non-verbal cues. I can’t imagine just following a script because that’s what you do, knowing that any step outside that script - or even talking about the fact that you’re following a script - is transgressive. I am really really bad at ready non-verbal cues.
I don’t want to have the kind of sex you don’t talk about, so I guess I’ll be a virgin for long time.
You know, theoretically. My current practical approach to sex is pretty pragmatic and involves a lot of AAA batteries and making sure my housemates aren’t in the next room because that’s always awkward.
But my sex life also involves a lot of doing whatever the fuck I want and not feeling ashamed or pressured or bad about anything I do that makes me feel good. If I want a quick orgasm, under the blankets right before I nod off to sleep, then by golly I have speedy, perfunctory sex with myself and sleep in the wet spot. If I want a leisurely night in, I pour myself a glass of wine and do it missionary-style. (Metaphorically.) If I want to spend my Sunday afternoon watching a shitload of porn and seeing how many times I can come before my housemates get home, I pump up the bow-chicka-wowow and get dirty.
And if I want to get off on putting a pretty boy in a skirt and knickers and doing him with a strap on, or being tied up and tormented by a man in a mask, or heavy petting with a shy girl in a school uniform, or totally vanilla married sex, or whatever, that’s between me and my right hand and my fevered imagination. No shame here! Nope! What gets me off gets me off and that’s all cool.
But where I am a little fuzzier about it is when another person gets involved. I mean, I hope one day to have another person in my sex life, that’d be neat! But, like, logistically? Part of what attracts me to kink is not just the kink of it, but the way the communities and writing surrounding kink communities have such a strong focus on negotiation and communication. I like that. I’m not good at reading people. I am epically, fantastically bad at reading people when it comes to sex or romantic interest. I have obliviously wandered away from everything from subtle innuendos to blatant propositions and one time a marriage proposal. Anybody looking to get in my knickers will have to be a) astonishingly patient and b) really really blunt.
And of course it is literally all theoretical to me. When I say virgin, I mean virgin. Anything beyond making out and a little friendly clothed grinding is here be dragons territory, and even that is in the dizzy distant past of my early twenties. And I know I want to try stuff! Heck I have a list, an actual list, of shit I want to try. But that list starts with, like, naked in front of another person. Oral sex! Fingering! And okay, also on the list is strap-ons and crossdressing and bondage and hairpulling and roleplaying and so forth, but it is all stuff I want to try with another person because I have no idea what I’m into. And the line between vanilla sex and kinky sex is pretty fucking blurry from where I’m standing, because it’s all under that heading of ‘sex I’m not having.’
I mean. I know what gets me off, fantasy-wise. But in real life? How the heck do I know without a person to try it out with? There is some stuff I am pretty sure I am not into. There is some stuff I am pretty sure I will like a lot. Everything else, a great big long list, is reply hazy, ask again later, preferably with a person to experiment with. Gets me off in fantasy maybe, but I don’t how I’ll like it in reality.
But I am pretty sure I am not set up for casual sex. It is all cool for people whose motors run that way, but I feel I am a sex-in-relationships person. Which would also be totally groovy if sex weren’t apparently an expected part of ‘relationships’ very early on, like, third-date early on, from what I can tell. Again, we go back to the kink communities with their communication and negotiation etc! Like, just once, I’d like a potential partner-shaped-person to go “So, what are your thoughts and/or boundaries on sex?” rather than assuming they pay for dinner three times and automatically qualify for entry to my vagina. Bluntness! So then I could say, hey, never have, would rather like to if you’ll be a bit patient with me here.
(Because for all my bold talk of lists and kinks and so forth, “Naked in front of another person” is still a BIG SCARY STEP. Patience, theoretical future sex-partner! Patience is key.)
I have lost my place in my morass of self-pity over why won’t anybody have sex with meeeeee. Wait.
No, I remember. I was reading some silly ladies magazine and they were like, spice up your sex life! Surprise your partner by tying them up with a stocking and gagging them or something stupid! Gasp, so kinky and daring!
And I was all, okay a) That is unsafe bondage practice, you do not tie somebody up without their consent or at least giving them a way to indicate nonconsent. I mean, God, people. Manners. Basic safety. One time I tied my sister to a table and she nearly strangled because I wasn’t watching her, but I was eleven and she was very annoying and I got in lots of trouble. Now I know you should never restrain somebody by the neck or leave a tied-up person alone.
And b) Wait, that’s considered tres shocking and kinky and daring? So shocking and kinky and daring that even talking about it is shameful and beyond the pale? Do people really have such difficulty using their words to communicate with the people they’re having sex with? And then I start wondering if I am really so far out on end of the sex-norm bell curve, because “Hey babe, I was thinking we could try some bondage maybe. How do you feel about being tied up? Or tying me up? Or - not both at once, obviously, because that would get awkward fast, but we could try both at different times, just to see!” actually sounds like a fun and interesting conversation I could have with a person I regularly share my body with. No?
And again, here is where my confusion with the difference between kinky and vanilla falls down. Theoretically, I understand that certain acts are considered mainstream and standard while others are non-standard and therefore ‘kinky’. And I understand, theoretically, that those mainstream, standard acts generally don’t get negotiated. Things like PIV sex or oral sex or whatever. But I think I want to negotiate those. Not to say no, but just to fucking talk about them, you know? “I am going to get inside your personal space and do [x] to your body” needs to be fucking talked about, whether [x] is “put my mouth on your genitals” or “tie you up and beat you with a riding crop”. It doesn’t have to be some big production, but, like, say it! With your words and everything!
And yes, I am saying all of this without any practical experience whatsoever in negotiating sex. Once I have a person with whom I have sex, maybe it will all be much clearer and more sensible to me. I hope so.
Because if our society has gotten to the point where talking about the sex we’re having with the person we’re having sex with is more taboo than actually having that sex, however vanilla, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want on that fun train. I talk a lot, I like talking. More to the point, I like things being clear and unambivalent. I like being able to say ‘yes to this, no to this, maybe to this let’s give it a shot.’ I can’t imagine that I would enjoy being with a partner and not knowing that they liked what we were doing. It’s not that just I’m bad at reading non-verbal cues. I can’t imagine just following a script because that’s what you do, knowing that any step outside that script - or even talking about the fact that you’re following a script - is transgressive. I am really really bad at ready non-verbal cues.
I don’t want to have the kind of sex you don’t talk about, so I guess I’ll be a virgin for long time.