No Ordinary Love, Part 3, chapter 191
191
The moment I stepped in the room the scent of tears and melancholy filled my nostrils. It was filling every single corner of the room, it was cracking under my feet as I approached my love crouched on the sofa, eyes glued to the big screen. She didn’t move hearing me coming, obviously whatever she was feeling in the moment she needed to hang on to. Slowly I sat next to her and without a word she leaned into me and I wrapped my arms around her. She replayed the scene of Edward and Bela’s first kiss few times then finaly when it made her shuddered and sniff she let the Twilight go on.
She knew the movie by heart I could bet on, and even the first time we watched it together that so well played scene left quite impact on her. There were moments like this with her before, when she’d keep replaying some song, or scene over and over. She’d let herself to that moment completely until that constant repetition would totally break her into tears or make her shudder like it’s impossibly cold. She explained it as moments of purification. First she needs that one thing to crush her to pieces then continue till she glues them all back to their places.
Since I liked the movie I had nothing against watching it two more times in row in utter silence with her, just holding her, trying not to do anything that might distract her or ruin her moment. Even more, trying to put myself into her perspective and being able to closely examine everything that was going on on the screen, even more particulars she was rewinding and playing again I got much better understanding of what she was chasing in the first place. But not even the slightest idea of why. Maybe just for the sake of letting tears run freely without me wiping them off.
This time I didn’t mind them, for I knew they weren’t result of anything real. There was no reason for it, at least not that I knew of. I was good, did her no harm. There was nothing that disturbed our idilic life. Nothing but this not even so unusal tears of hers.
“What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you see this?” she asked with a sigh again freezing the kissing scene.
In the moment it crossed my mind to make a joke but I restrained knowing it’ll ruin everything for her. She wanted serious, painful, gloomy conversation.
“It’s a lot like us back in days and now,” slowly I began in crooked voice. Silence wasn’t too good for my vocal cords if practiced too long. Her eyes found mine as she turned her head to me, letting me have better view of what’s she’s searching. “They can stay apart but it’s hard to bear being so close to her for him. Much like I didn’t want to let you go once I saw you. And once you figure how much you’re drawn to someone that you can’t resist it you began to question everything in fear of losing it before its even yours in the first place.” I paused a little pushing a stray of her silky hair behind her ear scanning her features. “And then there’s this frustration Edvard suffers with not being able to read Bela’s mind that I can relate to in a way.”
“You wish you can read my thoughts, hear them all the time?”
“There are moments, mostly those like this one or when you’re on some of your crusades, risking your life.”
“I think you’re coping quite well with your mortal skills. You know it only takes you to ask.”
“Yeah, but still it doesn’t save me from misunderstandings. Not to mention how I feel you’re always in my head and always few steps ahead of me all the time. If I didn’t know better I’d probably thought you’re vampire or something.”
“I can’t read people’s minds.”
“Well, certainly it doesn’t feel that way,” I confessed. “When you look me in the eyes, I can feel them burn, like they’re direct link to whatever fragment of thought is in them and I can’t hide them. I don’t mind that but… I can’t do the same to you. I only wish.”
“I’m not hiding anything from you.”
“Not consciously no. But it’s like sometimes you allow me to look into you, sometimes you’re not allowing me to pass the lashes. I can’t do even that.”
“Now you make it sound like it’s some super unhuman sense or ability.”
“I know it’s not. It’s just your extreme perseptivness and knowledge of human soul. You love observations and analysis more than everyone I’ve ever met. That’s what makes you even more appealing or threatening depending on how you look at it. I love the certainty with you, inevitability, lack of options. It’s good to know someone knows you that good, better than you can ever possibily know yourself. It makes it all easier and pointless not to think of running away or letting go.”
“You’ve considered that more than once I believe.”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “But every time it was more clearer that there’s no way but one to really let you go. I’m just too weak to be even half noble as Edvard to keep myself away from you for months. I wouldn’t last a day. I’d probably ran back and beg you to take me back. Only unlike Bela, you’d never forgive me.”
“You think?’
“No, I know,” I assured her. “You might seem physically fragile but… mental pain no matter how excruciating it might be, you’re able to cope it. I’ve seen you suffering, in weird sense you love that. You don’t like being too happy anyway for too long. If you do, this is what you run to, your own world of something so trivial that will make you cry, you just need it and you love it. I think that somehow makes you feel alive or something.”
“It makes me not to forget,” she returned slightly shaking her head. “My world, the way it is now, these walls… it is perfect only in here, in this house. Once any of us takes one step outside… it puts everything into different perspective for me. It’s like we open the door for danger to sneak up on us. What would you say if I’d ask you are people in general good or bad? What’s your answer?”
“Most of those I’ve met are good so… I’d say they’re good.”
“See, I’d say they’re rotten to their core. 99% of them,” she grinned a defeated crooked smile. “You’ve been blessed on your journey through life to not give it much thought or not to be in such situations so you wouldn’t doubt your beliefs. The course of my life taught me that those 99% of filth you can categorize as those openly evil or those more subtle types. First ones we all recognize but the others… not so much. They walk among us, talk to us, laugh, act as friends, sometimes even good ones but only till they have to make a choice between what good just for them and good in general. And their choices are always selfish. I’m sure you’ve known that just never thought of it in such way.”
“Yeah, but you’re far both stronger and better than all that.”
“There’s something I’ve never told you. Something I have secretly longed for you to realize yourself but you never did,” she sighed, hesitated averting her eyes from mine for a brief moment. “Before I met you, whenever someone would ask me how I see myself in the future I’d never had a good answer. Other girls would say the usual stuff, happy family with kids and loving husband, a job maybe that of course wouldn’t be hard. I never had anything to say like that. I’d always say how I’m alive in this world where everything runs good, people are more sophisticated beings than they are, there’s no such things as wars, crime, money…. Nothing of those filthy things. And I’m there hiding in the shadows, walking amongst them unseen, unnoticed and doing something, anything it doesn’t really matter what but it is very important to keep that wolrd I’m living in in such state.”
“Sweetie, you are doing it…”
“Let me finish,” she gently cut me off. “I was always repelled by the thought of bringing a child to life in this rotten world. I saw it for myself that sometimes giving your best as a parent, trying to teach your child all the good and important values is nothing but futile, feeble attempt that you’ll fail because seeing is believing. And as your child grows up, the rest of the world will show him how his parents are wrong, how it’s easier, more appreciated if you’d just let go and blend in. I never wanted kids, never until at least the world becomes a better place. That’s why I never even remotely allowed myself to let my guard down and risk becoming pregnant. But then I met you and suddenly you wanted a child with me so badly that it made me question everything I’ve ever believed in. I knew you won’t give up on that so easily as you gave up the idea of marriage. It was just so important to you. You were far from ready for taking such responsibility but so certain you want it, that it’s something that just has to happen. And I let myself go part of me was hoping that maybe I’m not biologically capable of being a mother but I wanted to try. Knowing what it means to you, how much it would make you happy… I couldn’t be so selfish not to try. Refusing to give you a child would make me a hypocrite and put me among those 99% of the rotten ones.”
“You’re the most…”
She shook her head and shut me off so she can continue.
“While I was carrying Kai I talked to him, explaining my own personal philosophies, begging him to be kind enough to just give it a shot at my way of seeing things. Then when he was born, right from the start I knew he was something special. Eveythime I’d look at his eyes, I’d have a feeling he’s way too old for his age and it turned out he truly is. And now when I look at him, I know he’s bound to make mistakes, he’ll suffer but raise above it one day, his heart will be broken but he’ll heal, he’ll always feel he doesn’t fit in and it will trouble him for a while and I can’t prevent it nor I’d try. But I’m absolutely certain of one thing about him. This world won’t break him down. I just have to make sure to protect him until he’s physically and legally capable of fighting back on his own.”
I understood what she was saying. But I was slightly shocked at realizion that she never really wanted him in the first place the way I did. I never thought she felt that way. And now to come to think that she was away when she found out she was pregnant, both of times. She could’ve easily end it and I would never know but luckily she didn’t. I was grateful on that and loved her for it even more.
“But now, there’ll be four of us. And this girl will be tougher than Kai to handle, at least until she’s in her late teens. I can just feel trouble. Difference is very apparent. She’s very still but cold somehow. Like she already has a mind of her own. She’ll hardly listen to me and even harder get me. She’ll be somehow much like you when you were kid. But she’ll fight for attention every second she breathes. She won’t be easy kid like Kai. It’ll be hard to reason with her until she’s already deep in trouble. All our patience will be put to the ultimate test. This one will challenge us more than Kai ever has had. I need you to know this.”
I could’ve tell her that she’s overexgaggerating, that it’s just her hormones but I believed her. Never in her life has she ever given me one bit of a reason not to. Besides, she’ll always have a special connection with our children just because she had advantage of having them inside of her.
“We’ll do our best then,” I said to her. “And hope for the best as well.”
“I just wanted you to know that maybe her actions might take its toil on the two us. Of what we have so you won’t judge me.”
“For what?”
“For disappearing like with Eli that one time,” she returned. “She’ll rely on you more than on me because you’ll be more prone to let her have it her way.”
“Then I’ll make sure not to make any decision without consulting with you first.”
“It won’t matter,” she chuckled. “She’ll wait for the right moment to caught you off guard. There’ll be nothing you can do about it. Your own naivety and kindness will help her out.”
“We’ll see,” I assured her. Everything was making sense since even with Kai if it wasn’t for Sweetie to teach me how to tell him no I wouldn’t know how. Like most of parents I was so ealisy prone to indulge every of his wishes or requests thinking it’s just me showing him my love and care for his well being. Thanks to Sweetie I learned that approval isn’t always the best choice. Kai’s now big enough to think for himself and know the difference between right and wrong. We successfully preserved him from becoming a spoiled, selfish child. Maybe even too much for he’s never reckless, not even in a way children usually are. But I’m sure it’ll all change one of these days. At least when he starts getting out, meeting new friends, girls, have his first drink… then he’s bound to make mistakes but he’ll learn from them. I’m sure he’ll try a few illegal things just for the sake of curiosity and it’ll probably put me in hell. But I know I can trust him and I have faith in him he’ll know when to stop.
Child talk was over, I saw Sweetie was relieved with burden she was carrying so far on that topic. Her eyes were much more brighter and she kissed me putting an end to it. One thing I had to give her credit for. Some other woman would never even think of confessing this to anyone, let alone to father of her children. Someone else would feel guilty or even ashamed of thoughts that were or are in troubling them. She had nothing to feel guilty of. Her thoughts and feelings are real, they were or are in her and she can’t escape them. Best she can do is simply just face them.
“What’s with this scene that’s so appealing to you?” I asked eyeing to the screen.
“Edvard’s trouble, his obvious mental superiority. Why do you think it’s always that vampires are portrayed as so sophisticated or mentally superior beings than humans?”
“Well, when you’re dead yet living over and over, witnessing all the changes but the ones in your own life… it’s just I guess the way of someone trying to tell us we’re wasting time on petty things that hold no value at all.”
“I see vampires like Edvard as a metaphor of how we really should be. The lives we lead in our human world, things we do… we waste so much time on nothing yet spend so little on what really matters. See, they don’t sleep and that automatically gives them advantage in time over us. An average of at least 8 hours per day. It makes a lot of time difference over the course of average human life. They just have all the time in this world to dedicate demselves to thinking and analyzing. They don’t bother to distract themselves so they wouldn’t think. On the contrary they tend to love to focus. Modern humans on the other hand, they love distractions. When they’re alone they seek company as big as possible. When silence comes they play music or turn on TV just to break it. They throw themselves into countless, meaningless little obsessions like shopping, partying, traveling, pursuing their careers, hording gaggets, accumulating money. It’s ironic how if you ask any of those money driven people why they need it, they’ll say it because they want to make their living comfortable or how they want to have enough money so they’d be free of going to work leaving them able to dedicate themselves to doing things they love or to do something bigger in their life only to turn out they’re never comfortable enough, there’s always something newer to buy or some island that needs to be purchased, or places to visit.”
“I know, but traveling is always a good thing.”
“Yeah if you’re not traveling only to satisfy your visual receptors and take pictures you can show to your friends and impress them. It’s benefitiary only if it opens your mind, broadens your views, teaches you something new. Everything else is waste of money and time.”
“Is that why you never travel? You don’t have good reason for it?”
“Kind of. See, when my books began to sell I thought maybe that will allow me to live carelessly for the rest of my life and then I thought what would that look like and realized it’s actually very boring. All I need is this huge space to store books and good eyesight so I can read and of course tons of paper and ink if there’s no laptop to write on it.”
“You can have that. We can find someone to cook or clean the house instead of you.”
“I know but I don’t want to. Besides, that kind of lifestyle is possible only when you’re all alone and I’m not. But I envy the vampires for having so much time on their hands to use it just for thinking. That’s why it’s easy for me to believe in depth and strength of Edvard’s feelings for Bela. All he has is time and it so much more than she has to examine and inspect every single detail about her existence, her every sigh, word, look, gesture, movement of her hands… the more you think of someone in that way the better you’ll make know how’s the right person for you. If you find losing interest you’ll know it’s never going to work. If you find it all appealing then you know what you need to do.”
“If you say this to anyone they’ll tell you vampires are carnal creatures guided by lust just to make their senses run and give them thrill of being alive of feeling something remotely as human.”
“Yes, but only because most people don’t make difference between love so strong that even the simplest glance makes your heart skip the beat. We humans we don’t tend to nourish such thrills. Shudders, goosebumps, butterflies and all that excitement we take it as signs of attraction to unknown, uncertainty, the conquest. Now, once we start feeling we own someone, we got them for us and nothing’s threatening our world we start killing such little things believeing we’re actually getting more matured by controlling our hormones or taking everything to a higher level when we’re actually plummeting it all down to the pit.” She paused a little. “Just take a look at how our friends react to us even after all these years. Your guys still laugh at you getting turned on by just one look from me or simply by my touching of your hand.”
She was right, I was just not so much bothered with it any longer. Or maybe it’s because they’re mostly tired of commenting us in such way so now it’s easier to just ignore their facial expressions or snorts. I just wasn’t registering all that any more. I know that it’s one of the reasons why being around Johnny and Vanessa was so much more comfortable and easier for Sweetie and me. They behave much alike us and nobody minds it. I love how we still can seduce one another like in first days of our times and I had feeling it was only growing in the intensity not getting lessened. Only now the touching is more gentle and slower due to knowing so much about one another and knowing that we have all the time we want, we don’t have to rush anything. Longing is good to prolong, desire is better when gradually built in, every feeling and sense only intensifies if you take time for every kiss, if your fingers don’t slide fast but hoover getting closer to her skin. And there’s nothing wrong in saying three little words all over and over again hundred times a day.
“I bet you’d be one interesting vampire,” I commented. “I just wonder how much more would your human skills and traits got multiplied in immortal form.”
She grinned but her eyes turned serious all at once as her hands embraced her belly.
“I think it’s time we go to the hospital.”