No Ordinary Love, Part 3, chapter 212
212
“You know, I was with few girls,” Nik broke the silence we shared over the morning coffee in his room. Since the boss’s boys occupied our living room, which was our usual place to gather in we were all either scattered around the house in pairs of two or downstairs in Sweetie’s office.
“I just never had a proper girlfriend, you know. I just don’t want you to think that I’m some pathethic loser.”
“Hey, I’m not a jerk who goes around calling people names, so give me some credit,” I returned blowing out the smoke.
“I know, it’s just, I thought maybe you got the impression that I had never even kissed someone,” he added explanation.
“Ok,” I nodded. “Why does it bother you so much?” I asked. “I mean that people don’t think you’re loser.”
“It’s not people that I care about,” he returned. “Just one in particular.” He paused. “Besides, I’m 26 and never had sex and that’s a bit…”
“You’re four years older than I was when I lost my virginity,” I interrupted. “Now, I’m approaching my fourties and can proudly say I’ve slept with only three girls including Sweetheart. You think I’m pathetic loser?” I raised my eyebrow in not really important manner.
“No, just…” Nik’s eyes trailed down to the floor. “I didn’t expect it.”
“Yeah, I know,” I grinned.
“22?” he asked and I nodded. “That’s unusal.”
“Feel free to say it’s kind of late,” I giggled. “Yeah, but it’s the way I wanted. Honestly, I could’ve waited few more years without no problem.”
“What about your friends?”
“Umm, 15, 16, 17… 14.”
“Wow,” Nik scratched his head. “Did they knew you were…”
“Oh, yeah,” I nodded. “But they never really bugged me about it. And even if they had it still wouldn’t either change anything or affect me in any way. I knew what I wanted.”
“And what was that?”
“I wanted a girl I love and who loves me back,” I simply replied. “See I could never separate sex from love. I always needed to be in love with someone to sleep with her or otherwise it had no meaning for me.”
“So, does that mean that you didn’t have girls until…”
“No, no,” I shook my head. “I’ve been dating girls before but those relationships didn’t have what it takes for me to try get those girls in my bed. I mean, I liked them all otherwise I wouldn’t be with them, of course but, something was missing,” I noticed he was thinking and guessed his next question. “Of course, they were turning me on, but more on purely animalist level. Like pure lust.”
Nik nodded then remained silent but I could smell it in the air that he was getting nervous.
“Nik, just ask whatever you want and don’t worry I’ll think you’re loser or whetever, ok? I like you man and that won’t change,” I said gently so to ease him up.
He still hesitated and wondered, so instead of scaring him off I let him come to his own terms.
“How was it?” he finally asked nearly in a whisper but spoke very fast.
“Very intense and extremely short,” I giggled. “I swear it was like maybe minute and a half and bam! That’s it,” I laughed. “And let me tell you something. Not even years of masturbating can help you last more than two minutes. And no, the girl isn’t even properly into it when you’re done. Any guy who tells you otherwise is just full of bullshits. But the good thing is that girls are very understanding if they know it’s your first time.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” I assured him and I wasn’t lying. All my good friends that were able to be honest about it all told the same story, and few of my good female friends confirmed it as well, plus there was my own experience. “Girls, find it very sweet that a certain guy chose her for his first time. They’re very considerate and they don’t go around and brag how they were the first. They can talk about it but never reveal anything that might compromise a guy’s indentity. And the good thing is that few minutes after that minute and a half, they’ll let you have another try. Now, that’s actually the best part. It lasts much longer, you’re able to control yourself if you want, even prolong it. That second time you’re actually aware of everything. First time you’re just shocked with that gush of different feelings and it’s so intense that you think you’re going to explode. There’s no control, nothing. You’re just crazed with the sensation and intensity of everything and that’s why it’s all over so soon.”
“So all the stories guys tell about how they fucked for hours are bullshit.”
“Totally,” I confirmed. “It takes lot of practice and self control to get to that level.”
“Have you achieved that?” Nik was still shying away from asking delicate questions but I didn’t laugh at him. He was less hesitating as the conversationg progressed, stopped picking on his nails, or averting his eyes so we were good.
“It just depends on situation,” I shrugged. “Sometimes you both want it quick and hard, sometimes you take things extremely slow. I always go with how my lady feels. See, I have never really gotten off on satisfying myself only. What actually turns me off is that my girl wants me, that I am able to satisfy her, you know. That’s what it’s all about for me. I love figuring out what feels good for her, the more she enjoyes the more I enjoy.”
“You’re the first guy I heard say something like that,” he commented.
“I know,” I chuckled. “But like I said, we’re all different and like different things.”
He nodded, then went back to his thoughts.
“Listen,” I began carefully. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want it’s ok, but.. seems to me like you’re holding back from girls. Is it maybe because of Ana?” he looked me in the eyes. “I mean, in a way since she’s shuting off that you somehow feel it’s not fair to her if you’d have someone else in your life?”
He bowed his head for a moment and slowly began to nod.
“I don’t think she’ll hate you if she sees you’re having a normal life with someone who makes you happy,” I said.
“I know,” he nodded. “It’s just, of everything we went through, she got it the hardest and worst. It’s just somehow wrong to leave her. I promised I’ll always be there. That it’s us against the world if necessary. Having life other than that and leaving her alone is just wrong,” he explained. “I just can’t do it to her. I know, you’ll say I deserve to be happy after all, that she’s my sister and will always love, I know that. But, if she’d have someone it would all be easier. And I’m afraid it might never happen but… I’m wiling to sacrifice my happiness for her. I love her, you understand that, right?”
“Yeah,” I nodded.
“Wouldn’t you do the same in my place?” he asked.
“I guess so,” I shrugged. It was really hard to say for sure, but judging by my personality I probably would do the same as Nik. “Tell, me, those girls you’ve been with--?”
“Kind of one night stands,” he cut me off. “I’d meet a girl in a bar. She’d like me I’d like her, we’d hit it on but then few moments later the guilty would kick in and I’d excuse myself to a girl and run home. Or maybe it’s actually fear of being hurt or shame that I’m this old and so inexperienced, I don’t know,” he shrugged.
I didn’t pry any more for by the expression on Nik’s face, he’s drifted away to some other place and time.
“I never said this to anyone,” he began again and carefully listened. “Not even to Ana,” he looked at me with eyes full of pain. “It didn’t happen just once… but it always hurt the same. The sharp pain that rips your guts, literally.”
His jaws and fists clenched, then he swallowed a big lump and his lips stayed parted trying to gather more air. He closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing again. Let go, just let go, I kept repeating to myself, just let it go, Nik.
“I still can feel it,” he gasped. In instance his face was buried in his hands, his entire frame shaking.
“Mate,” I said feeling my heart rip for him as I rushed over and hugged him like I do with Kai when he’s sad. He limped in my embrace, hard sobs shook him over and over, as I rocked us both fighting my own tears. “Let it go,” I whispered over and over, feeling his tears turning my shirt into dump pieace of clothing.
He cried for what seemed like hours. Occasionally, he’d try to stop himself, hold his breath but always failed and just cried harder. It was slowly reaching the point where I was getting worried if it’ll seriously affect his health. I knew that when baby starts to cry you can’t let her cry forever or it’ll send her into shock. If the same can happen to adult person, I had no idea. But the thought was scaring the shit out of me. For the moment I wished I was my lovely wife. Her aura had calming effect. her mere presence had soothing effect. In panic, I began humming an old finnish lullaby. Somewhere around the refrain I noticed he wasn’t shaking any more, still I continued. By the end of it, he was still. Remnants of breakdown episode manifested only in rare jerks of his body. Still, I just started the song all over, continued even little rockings and patting on his back. I was ready to hum it hundred times more until he alone decides he’s ready to get away from my embrace.
At some point he pulled away very slowly and I stopped.
“Please, go on,” he said in chopped voice and I continued. He laid sideway on the bed, turning his back to me. After a while it was very uncomfortable for me to sit on the edge of the bed, with nothing to support me but my own bony ass. Moving myself carefully up in the bed I leaned on the head board and sat with my legs straighten on the sheets. Some time later, I thought he was asleep so I stopped singing and slowly moved to leave.
“Stay,” he begged not turning to me and I returned to where I was. Few seconds later he said, “lift my shirt.”
His request buffled me. I had no idea what to make out of it.
“Please,” he said. “You need to see.”
I hesitated for a long time. When he said he doesn’t have strength do it himself I reached out my hand but halted just before touching the rim of his shirt.
“Nik, are you sure?” I asked worried.
“No,” he said and I retreated my hand. “But I want you to see me.”
That made it all easier for me.
“Nik, I can’t,” I replied. “It’d feel like I’m doing something against you will. I’m sorry, I just can’t,” I confessed. “I can’t. Please, don’t ask that from me.”
He pushed himself first to sit in the bed, then he began taking his shirt off and I begged him to stop.
“Please, Ville, bare with me.”
What I had to say didn’t matter to him. Closing my eyes I hoped he’ll stop, give up, something, anything. I couldn’t understand why he was doing this, what he was doing in the first place, and why now, why me?
“Look at me,” I heard his wounded voice a bit farther from the bed. “Please… look.”
Unwillingly I opened my eyes and the image of his disfigured skin hurt so viciously that I gasped covering my mouth.
“This is how I look.”
Scars. Too many of them. One on top of the other and another and another. Scars long as endless roads entwined, deep as canyons, old as the Bible. Nik’s testimony of his father’s cruelty.
He turned and revealed back that were even worse.
“This is who I am.”
God, his entire body was ruined. His beautiful face seemed like it belonged to someone else, someone of Nik’s age, while his torso seemed to belong to some other creature hundred of years older than Nik.
“No human being wants to see this, let alone touch it,” he said and my eyes locked with his. “It’s disgusting. I’m disgusting,” he added with some kind of relief.
“You’re not,” I shook my head.
“Please,” he helplessly returned bending to pick up his shirt. “Even you’re getting sick.”
“No!” I had no idea how but I found myself in front of him holding him for the wrist of his right hand in which he held his shirt, looking him straight in the eyes. “I’m not sick of Nik,” I clamed down. “I’m just…” I sighed since I didn’t want to sound like I’m pittying him.
“Repulsed?”
“No, stop putting words in my mouth,” I fired back at him. “I’m shocked, ok? I admit that, but it’s not because you or your scars,” I released his wrist for I noticed I was getting through to him. “It’s because I don’t understand how any human being could do something like this to another of his kind. I could never understand that. Never. It’s… fuck,” I shook my head and took a step back to give us both some space. “It’s just surreal,” I looked at him and he nodded. “And it makes me feel the way I don’t like.”
“I know you feel sorry for me.”
“No, right now I feel I could kill him with my bare hands, and that’s what I don’t like,” I said in one breath.
He wanted to put his shirt on but again I moved and touched his hand.
“You don’t have to hide it from me any more,” I said and he stared back at. “It doesn’t matter to me,” I assured him. “In my world, it doesn’t matter. It’s irrelevant and it doesn’t change anything.”
He smiled back and let the shirt fall to the ground and sat on the edge of his bed. I sat next to him.
“You were talking about feelings,” he said. “The ones you don’t want to feel?”
I nodded understanding what he was hitting at.
“I hate those lowest, monstruous feelings and impulses, Nik. Aren’t we humans supposed to be this thinking, sophisticated beings? Even animals don’t kill or hurt other animals or species just for fun or pleasure. They fight for survival, territory, female, their pack. They hunt but they for food. They don’t go around attacking and hurting one another for the sake of causing pain and suffering. And look at the people,” I shrugged. “Vast amount of us have no respect for other person’s well-being. It’s just so disheartening and devastating. Such waste of precious time and opportunities we were given when we were born as humans.”
He shook his head and smiled.
“What? You don’t think I’m right at least a little?” I chuckled. “I tend not to make much sense when I’m a bit upset, I know that,” I shrugged silly.
“No, actually, you make more sense that you can possibly understand,” he assured me.
“Guys, guess who…” Sweetie burst in like a tornado, Nik jumped in shock to get his shirt. She couldn’t miss what was Nik’s goal. In blink of an eye, she was next to him, and faster, too, she stopped him from covering himself. He held his shirt but she held his hands and he couldn’t shake her off.
“Stop,” she gently pleaded looking at him. Nik’s head was bowed as he probably felt defeated. “Don’t run from me, please, Nik. Please,” she gently said letting go of his hands, proving she has no intention to harm him.
Nik’s muscles relaxed as he sighed. His head still remained focused to the floor.
“Darling, look at me,” she said in very warm motherly voice. “Don’t be afraid.”
Nik still didn’t move. Sweetie’s hands reached out and cupped his face, her face held a gentle smile as she slowly made him look her in the eyes. Her best weapon against the world. One that could intimidate you more than anything else, but also let you look into heart and read her thoughts.
“It doesn’t matter darling,” she really sounded like she believes it.
She was better at ignoring surface than I ever could or will be. She never cared about it. One’s heart and soul are only things she sees.
“You’re beautiful to me,” she honestly said and she didn’t lie. With her it was easy. If she loved your heart she saw you as beautiful person and no one could convince her otherwise. Her eyes saw beauty in the strangest places and things we all mostly fail to see. And if you’re blessed to have her let you stare in your own reflection in her ocean blue eyes you’d see yourself the way she sees you. And Nik couldn’t deny that either.
Without a word he pulled her into a hug, forgetting everything and held her close. Her hands wrapped around him and her finger gently brushed over his skin like it was flawless. Somewhere in the back of her mind, scars were there but she didn’t feel them, they weren’t repulsive. Her face didn’t change apart from a smile that went wider satisfied that he believed her.
He shuddered at the first contact with her fingers, but when he felt she didn’t flinch or hesitate to touch him, he relaxed.
Sweetie’s eyes opened and looked at me. They were still smiling gladly. I smiled at her and I knew she read in my eyes that I would’ve told her how much I loved her if the moment wasn’t about Nik. She and I were irrelevant at that moment. It wasn’t about us.
“Thank you,” Nik finally spoke as he pulled away from Sweetie, her palms still connected to his skin at his sides under his arm pits.
“Thank you for not running away,” she returned then retreated her hand to herself. “I’m sorry I burst in without knocking,” she continued in different apologetic tone. “But guess who’s here?” her face beamed up, her eyes expecting. “And he’s really impatient to meet you,” Sweetie glanced at Nik in important matter.
“If you’re up for it, of course,” I added since my darling was a little inconsiderate.
“I think I’ll survive,” Nik nodded with a little grin.
“Ok, we’ll be waiting you down in the office,” she sing songed charmingly. “Coffee?”
“Oh, hell, yeah, please,” I said.
“Definitively yeah,” Nik agreed. “The one Ville made was nothing but coloured water,” he joked. “I don’t know why you even bother,” he chuckled looking at me, then looked back at Sweetie, “Please, make a big bucket. I might need it to survive George.”
The way he said it made us all laugh a little.
“He promised to be gentle to you,” Sweetie said opening the door and leaving.
“Is that good?” Nik looked at me.
“Definitively,” I assured him. “Seriously, you have nothing to worry about George.”
“Ville?” Nik bowed his head. “Thank you,” he paused and I made stupefied face. “For really meaning everything you say.”
“I should actually thank you,” I pointed out. “For everything you shared. I know it wasn’t easy at all. But I feel privileged for being your friend, Nik.”
“You’re really hopeless,” he joked then came over and briefly hugged me. “You’ll turn me into soppy slob.”
“Hey, chick’s dig that,” I said significantly.
“Chicks or just one chick actually?” he returned with a little you-don’t-fool-me expression.
“But it the best chick isn’t she?” I winked.
“Let’s just meet, George,” he shook his head.