Indiana Jones KotCS - critique with spoilers
If you liked the most recent Indie movie, don't read this.
If you haven't seen it, and plan on seeing it sometime in the future, don't read this (HUGE spoiler alert!).
For those that felt a little disappointed or let down by the most recent of Spielberg's creations, then feel free to read on. I'm about to rip it a new one.
Alrighty, so you have chosen to clicky on the LJ cut, which means you're either curious or found the movie to be lacking many of the things we look for in an Indiana Jones movie. But, before I get down to it, I must state that the first movie of the Indiana Jones series was, IMHO, above ALL the best. The second and third paled in comparison to the first, but were both enjoyable and at least strong attempts to keep with the original concept. So any comparisons I make here will be based upon the original Lost Ark episode.
Top Ten Reasons Why This Movie Sucked and Shouldn't Be Associated With The Franchise!!
1) The beginning scene was made of pure dumb. How exactly do you work up the initial suspense for an action film by having a car full of teenagers racing a military convoy? It's not like they shot the kids in the head, ran them off the road, or even scared them off with a menacing grin. Someone apparently thought you could grip an audience with a car chase... even if it was as lame as that one. It was pointless. And since when can anyone get within visual distance of a secret military base out in the middle of the dessert? You could see the bloody thing from the front gates. Great way of hiding all the secret artifacts of the world... behind a single gate, with about 5 soldiers... TOTAL! Did anyone see a single other soldier on the entire base once the convoy arrived? On what planet does that ever happen, especially if it's a Top Secret storage facility?
2) CGI should never, ever, EVER... EEEEEEEEEEVER be used in substitute for the REAL unless there is no other feasible substitute. Especially when it comes to shooting on location. So groundhogs, magnetic effects, exotic jungles, giant waterfalls, etc. should be repp'ed by actually USING real things. It just cheapens the experience otherwise, and yes Lucas, we as an audience CAN tell the difference, no matter how good you think it is has gotten over the years.
3) Indiana ends up on a Nuclear Test range... within a few miles of a warehouse where they store priceless artifacts and relics, including the bodies of aliens and the Art of the Covenant. Fuck what? Strike one. Hides in a lead lined refrigerator at ground zero to protect himself from the explosion. Fuck what? Strike two. Steps out of said refrigerator after being flung for MILES and just watches the mushroom cloud as if it's a fucking sunrise over the prairie. Strike THREE!
4) A crystal skull... a crystal ALIEN skull... a crystal alien skull that has sentience and apparently has psionic powers... and wants to be reconnected to its body next to the OTHER 13 crystal alien skeletons buried in this South American temple. How many bottles of cheap tequila do you have to down to come up with this? How does this fit ANYWHERE in the previous trilogy... at all? Ark of the Covenent, Shankara Stones, The Holy Grail, and a bunch of crystal alien skulls. Um... one thing here is not like the others.
5) Greaser kid, who dropped out of High School and specializes in motorcycles, is now thrust into the South American jungle and proceeds to play George of the Jungle with a bunch of native monkeys like he does this on the weekends... and well enough to catch up to the two racing vehicles careening through the trees. This is where my suspension of disbelief lost its wings and came crashing to the ground... I had tried to hold up until this point. This was made of concentrated stupid to it's core.
6) Has there ever been an "Old war buddy sidekick" that has ever been as useless, unbelievable, or lacking more audience sympathy than this guy? Pointless character that brought nothing to the film whatsoever. He's a good guy, WAIT... he's a bad guy! WAIT... he's actually a good guy! WAIT... he's actually a bad guy again! Just fucking stop it already! We didn't buy it the first time!
7) When did Marion go from running a bar in Nepal, drinking GIANT Nepalese guys under the table, and hitting guys in the head with frying pans... to the annoying, whiney, "Mom" character that they decided suddenly best fit her? I realize people change, but we loved Marion for being a bad ass and talking smack in the first film, not for being the random sidekick with zero intuitiveness and having nothing to add to the film itself besides the audience going "Holy Crap, it's Marion Ravenwood!"
8) One waterfall drop is enough. Really guys. It wasn't scary the first time, certainly wasn't the second time, and simply making it BIGGER the third time didn't make it any newer or suspenseful. It was pure "action film standard insert #17" and hey... didn't we see this in the second film too? Huh. Weird.
9) Um... could we perhaps have a wee bit of slowdown on the progression of the plot ...please? In the first film we didn't see anything BUT the inside of the temple for the first 15 minutes. Hell, it took most of that just slowly and carefully getting to the frickin' idol. There was constant suspense, helped by a fantastic soundtrack, and when Indie reached for the golden idol, you were riveted to the screen as he replaced it with the bag of sand! In this film... they reach the ruins, they run through the ruins like they have a map of it carved on their foreheads, Indie seems to know EVERYTHING about the place like it's his grandmother's backyard, there is ZERO amount of careful progression, and it's so rushed you don't even have time to look at the fabulous work the scenic artists put into it. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH (for no reason since they have no idea the Russins are following) and then we find the final room without any sort of guide, map, North Star, compass or anything. Gah!!!
10) And lastly... the alien skeleton "counsel" room. Sooooooo why didn't the skeletons have ANY dust on them at all since they've been here for hundreds of years? And why the hell did the one headless skeleton suddenly become active and sentient when the skull got presented to it? Why did the skeletons seem to merge and combine into a living one? Was that a vision in the russian agent's head? Why did everything suddenly activate and transport the .... *sigh* buried alien saucer-ship to, oh yes, another dimension? Why did our intrepid heroes so easily find an air vent that was wide enough for them all RIGHT AS they realize the room is about to be flooded? And did you see how far they were when they popped up out of the water/air hole? They were MILES away from the center of the temple as it did the classic Scorpion King implosion... how the fuck did they get so far away and know just how far to get? How many fucking continuity questions can one ask about the last 20 minutes of the film?
So yea. Can ya tell I was a bit displeased?
Now, before anyone mentions the obvious lack of continuity and the plot holes you could drive a bus through in the first 3 films, understand that I could rip at least two of those apart just as easily. But this is about a movie we've waited 20 damn years to see... 20 years to get a script together, to streamline it, to make all the parts fit, to make characters we fear and care about, to create a spectacular soundtrack, and to make people walk away from the movie slack jawed and in awe of what will undoubtedly be the LAST of the Indiana Jones films (at least with Harrison Ford). But no... it was very obviously thrown together, not well written, and had so many shortcuts it felt like it was light years away from what it should have been.
So to Spielberg and to Lucas... once again you have shown your ability to royally screw a previously good story progression and turn it into something that appeals to the lowest common denominator.
Thanks guys. Sure do appreciate that.
If you haven't seen it, and plan on seeing it sometime in the future, don't read this (HUGE spoiler alert!).
For those that felt a little disappointed or let down by the most recent of Spielberg's creations, then feel free to read on. I'm about to rip it a new one.
Alrighty, so you have chosen to clicky on the LJ cut, which means you're either curious or found the movie to be lacking many of the things we look for in an Indiana Jones movie. But, before I get down to it, I must state that the first movie of the Indiana Jones series was, IMHO, above ALL the best. The second and third paled in comparison to the first, but were both enjoyable and at least strong attempts to keep with the original concept. So any comparisons I make here will be based upon the original Lost Ark episode.
Top Ten Reasons Why This Movie Sucked and Shouldn't Be Associated With The Franchise!!
1) The beginning scene was made of pure dumb. How exactly do you work up the initial suspense for an action film by having a car full of teenagers racing a military convoy? It's not like they shot the kids in the head, ran them off the road, or even scared them off with a menacing grin. Someone apparently thought you could grip an audience with a car chase... even if it was as lame as that one. It was pointless. And since when can anyone get within visual distance of a secret military base out in the middle of the dessert? You could see the bloody thing from the front gates. Great way of hiding all the secret artifacts of the world... behind a single gate, with about 5 soldiers... TOTAL! Did anyone see a single other soldier on the entire base once the convoy arrived? On what planet does that ever happen, especially if it's a Top Secret storage facility?
2) CGI should never, ever, EVER... EEEEEEEEEEVER be used in substitute for the REAL unless there is no other feasible substitute. Especially when it comes to shooting on location. So groundhogs, magnetic effects, exotic jungles, giant waterfalls, etc. should be repp'ed by actually USING real things. It just cheapens the experience otherwise, and yes Lucas, we as an audience CAN tell the difference, no matter how good you think it is has gotten over the years.
3) Indiana ends up on a Nuclear Test range... within a few miles of a warehouse where they store priceless artifacts and relics, including the bodies of aliens and the Art of the Covenant. Fuck what? Strike one. Hides in a lead lined refrigerator at ground zero to protect himself from the explosion. Fuck what? Strike two. Steps out of said refrigerator after being flung for MILES and just watches the mushroom cloud as if it's a fucking sunrise over the prairie. Strike THREE!
4) A crystal skull... a crystal ALIEN skull... a crystal alien skull that has sentience and apparently has psionic powers... and wants to be reconnected to its body next to the OTHER 13 crystal alien skeletons buried in this South American temple. How many bottles of cheap tequila do you have to down to come up with this? How does this fit ANYWHERE in the previous trilogy... at all? Ark of the Covenent, Shankara Stones, The Holy Grail, and a bunch of crystal alien skulls. Um... one thing here is not like the others.
5) Greaser kid, who dropped out of High School and specializes in motorcycles, is now thrust into the South American jungle and proceeds to play George of the Jungle with a bunch of native monkeys like he does this on the weekends... and well enough to catch up to the two racing vehicles careening through the trees. This is where my suspension of disbelief lost its wings and came crashing to the ground... I had tried to hold up until this point. This was made of concentrated stupid to it's core.
6) Has there ever been an "Old war buddy sidekick" that has ever been as useless, unbelievable, or lacking more audience sympathy than this guy? Pointless character that brought nothing to the film whatsoever. He's a good guy, WAIT... he's a bad guy! WAIT... he's actually a good guy! WAIT... he's actually a bad guy again! Just fucking stop it already! We didn't buy it the first time!
7) When did Marion go from running a bar in Nepal, drinking GIANT Nepalese guys under the table, and hitting guys in the head with frying pans... to the annoying, whiney, "Mom" character that they decided suddenly best fit her? I realize people change, but we loved Marion for being a bad ass and talking smack in the first film, not for being the random sidekick with zero intuitiveness and having nothing to add to the film itself besides the audience going "Holy Crap, it's Marion Ravenwood!"
8) One waterfall drop is enough. Really guys. It wasn't scary the first time, certainly wasn't the second time, and simply making it BIGGER the third time didn't make it any newer or suspenseful. It was pure "action film standard insert #17" and hey... didn't we see this in the second film too? Huh. Weird.
9) Um... could we perhaps have a wee bit of slowdown on the progression of the plot ...please? In the first film we didn't see anything BUT the inside of the temple for the first 15 minutes. Hell, it took most of that just slowly and carefully getting to the frickin' idol. There was constant suspense, helped by a fantastic soundtrack, and when Indie reached for the golden idol, you were riveted to the screen as he replaced it with the bag of sand! In this film... they reach the ruins, they run through the ruins like they have a map of it carved on their foreheads, Indie seems to know EVERYTHING about the place like it's his grandmother's backyard, there is ZERO amount of careful progression, and it's so rushed you don't even have time to look at the fabulous work the scenic artists put into it. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH (for no reason since they have no idea the Russins are following) and then we find the final room without any sort of guide, map, North Star, compass or anything. Gah!!!
10) And lastly... the alien skeleton "counsel" room. Sooooooo why didn't the skeletons have ANY dust on them at all since they've been here for hundreds of years? And why the hell did the one headless skeleton suddenly become active and sentient when the skull got presented to it? Why did the skeletons seem to merge and combine into a living one? Was that a vision in the russian agent's head? Why did everything suddenly activate and transport the .... *sigh* buried alien saucer-ship to, oh yes, another dimension? Why did our intrepid heroes so easily find an air vent that was wide enough for them all RIGHT AS they realize the room is about to be flooded? And did you see how far they were when they popped up out of the water/air hole? They were MILES away from the center of the temple as it did the classic Scorpion King implosion... how the fuck did they get so far away and know just how far to get? How many fucking continuity questions can one ask about the last 20 minutes of the film?
So yea. Can ya tell I was a bit displeased?
Now, before anyone mentions the obvious lack of continuity and the plot holes you could drive a bus through in the first 3 films, understand that I could rip at least two of those apart just as easily. But this is about a movie we've waited 20 damn years to see... 20 years to get a script together, to streamline it, to make all the parts fit, to make characters we fear and care about, to create a spectacular soundtrack, and to make people walk away from the movie slack jawed and in awe of what will undoubtedly be the LAST of the Indiana Jones films (at least with Harrison Ford). But no... it was very obviously thrown together, not well written, and had so many shortcuts it felt like it was light years away from what it should have been.
So to Spielberg and to Lucas... once again you have shown your ability to royally screw a previously good story progression and turn it into something that appeals to the lowest common denominator.
Thanks guys. Sure do appreciate that.