Just a Dream
I just need to let all this out. Gotta do something with my insomnia.
Sometimes, I wonder if I--we--ever really had a chance. What it would have been like.
You told me yourself that you were thinking about that friend or more than a friend state. You didn't want to act on it because you didn't want to lose one of the only real friends you've ever had. I get that, honestly, I do. I'm mad I didn't think along those lines either.
But you can't deny hurting me. You can't deny emotionally fucking me over.
When I say I get colder as time passes, I mean it. My trust is hard to come by, and worming your way into my heart is even harder. I don't want to say I grew distant because of you, but for a few weeks, that was the case. I'd drown myself in my music, and at one point, I stopped everything I was doing just so I could go cry in my bathroom. It took a month for us to start talking again, and maybe a week before we had actual conversations.
And now, we're here. Sure, we've gone back to talking and laughing together, but I bet you never realized it was a mistake on my part. You know how I get when I feel awkward--I make jokes to lighten the mood. I guess you took that as a sign that everything was all right. I should've spoken up and told you otherwise.
I don't know if I'm ready yet. I don't know if that weird feeling in my stomach is disgust whenever I see you with her (my normal reaction to seeing couples), or just jealousy. Am I this beat up just because I was rejected? Am I beat up because I was rejected by you? I don't know how I feel about you and her. I can't tell the difference between you and a normal couple. I can't tell if I've moved on, or I'm still stuck in the past and I'm just shutting out my heart to everyone.
But that's not what I'm writing this for.
I said you fucked me over emotionally, and I mean it. I've never been this invested in someone before. My past boyfriends...I'd say things, but I'd never show them how much I cared. I had a tendency to be reserved. I wouldn't take the initiative.
I don't know if all my negative thoughts are stemming from you.
Lately, I've just stopped caring. I don't care about the "friends" I've had for years now. Hell, I'm ready to go the rest of my life without ever seeing some of them again. I get angry more easily. I snap quicker. I confide in people even less than I did before. I've just...I've just become so secluded from everyone and everything. Sure, I'll get caught up in moments and laugh and smile, but when that moment is over, I'm back to being lost.
God, this post isn't even coherent anymore. I don't know what I'm writing at all.
I wish I could go back in time and undo all of this. Or, if not undo, then solve these problems earlier.
People ask me why I'm so eager to go off to college. I tell them it's because it's gonna be so different from how things are now.
My real reason?
It'll be my only escape.
Sometimes, I wonder if I--we--ever really had a chance. What it would have been like.
You told me yourself that you were thinking about that friend or more than a friend state. You didn't want to act on it because you didn't want to lose one of the only real friends you've ever had. I get that, honestly, I do. I'm mad I didn't think along those lines either.
But you can't deny hurting me. You can't deny emotionally fucking me over.
When I say I get colder as time passes, I mean it. My trust is hard to come by, and worming your way into my heart is even harder. I don't want to say I grew distant because of you, but for a few weeks, that was the case. I'd drown myself in my music, and at one point, I stopped everything I was doing just so I could go cry in my bathroom. It took a month for us to start talking again, and maybe a week before we had actual conversations.
And now, we're here. Sure, we've gone back to talking and laughing together, but I bet you never realized it was a mistake on my part. You know how I get when I feel awkward--I make jokes to lighten the mood. I guess you took that as a sign that everything was all right. I should've spoken up and told you otherwise.
I don't know if I'm ready yet. I don't know if that weird feeling in my stomach is disgust whenever I see you with her (my normal reaction to seeing couples), or just jealousy. Am I this beat up just because I was rejected? Am I beat up because I was rejected by you? I don't know how I feel about you and her. I can't tell the difference between you and a normal couple. I can't tell if I've moved on, or I'm still stuck in the past and I'm just shutting out my heart to everyone.
But that's not what I'm writing this for.
I said you fucked me over emotionally, and I mean it. I've never been this invested in someone before. My past boyfriends...I'd say things, but I'd never show them how much I cared. I had a tendency to be reserved. I wouldn't take the initiative.
I don't know if all my negative thoughts are stemming from you.
Lately, I've just stopped caring. I don't care about the "friends" I've had for years now. Hell, I'm ready to go the rest of my life without ever seeing some of them again. I get angry more easily. I snap quicker. I confide in people even less than I did before. I've just...I've just become so secluded from everyone and everything. Sure, I'll get caught up in moments and laugh and smile, but when that moment is over, I'm back to being lost.
God, this post isn't even coherent anymore. I don't know what I'm writing at all.
I wish I could go back in time and undo all of this. Or, if not undo, then solve these problems earlier.
People ask me why I'm so eager to go off to college. I tell them it's because it's gonna be so different from how things are now.
My real reason?
It'll be my only escape.