Closure.
Where do I start? There’s a lot that I need to talk about on here then it’ll be closure. I wouldn’t have anything else to talk about anymore after this. I don’t even want to talk about this or that that has to do with Mike ever again after this. This is for myself. I don’t expect any of you to read this novel. But comments are welcomed.
February 2005. This was when I ended it with Mike. I honestly felt like I was dragging him when I was so messed up in my life. I wasn’t stable, I wasn’t going to school and neither was Mike. So I decided to break up with him so I could focus on my life and get my shit together so that when Mike and I got back together we wouldn’t have problems like we were having in our relationship. I think another reason why I broke up with him was to save what was left of us. We were fighting so much and it was almost tearing us apart and I had no idea how I was going to manage the long distance after I lived with Mike for 2 years. How would I do this if I was so used to getting up next to Mike every morning and doing everything and anything with him? I was used to saying “Mike and I” never just “I.” I had to go to Ohio and Mike had to go back to California. As much as I fought, I didn’t want him to go back to California because I knew he would get used by his parents again. It was one of the reason why we moved to Illinois in the first place - to get away from being used by his parents. But nonetheless, he still went back to his parents and I went to Ohio. So it went like that for the rest of the year. Mike and I never stopped saying I love you or talking to each other for hours on aim or sending emails. It was as if we never broke up but in the back of our minds we knew we weren’t together. We were living separate lives. I dated some guys but I didn’t tell Mike because I didn’t know if he even wanted to know. But one day Mike and I talked and we agreed that if we were going to date someone, we’d let each other know. That time I was single and had just dumped Shayne (yes people, I DID date Shayne, only for a very brief time hence why most of you never knew this). Anyway, Mike and I did not see each other at all during that year. I wanted to but I didn’t. There were many talks of getting back together, I don’t know why but it never progressed into anything. Maybe because I wasn’t ready and maybe Mike wasn’t ready either. Until November 2005 rolled around. One day he signed on aim and told me that he needed to tell me something. He didn’t want to “hide” it from me any longer, he wanted to let me know. He told me that he was dating someone named Amanda. He hadn’t been together with her for long. He told me that even if he was with her, he still thought of me. Still dreamed of me when he slept next to her, even woke up looking for me to hold and only found her. When he kissed her, he thought of me, and wished it was me. He wasn’t happy with her, he wanted me, he missed me, he wanted to feel happy again. So we talked about getting back together. Amanda got mad at Mike because she knew that Mike still talked to me and still told me that he loved me. He said he would never stop saying that to me as long as he lives because forever I was in his heart, I possessed his heart, I was half of who he was.
So we were talking about him flying up to Washington to see me and to talk more about getting back together in person. But one night he emailed me and said he couldn’t talk to me ever again. I, of course, got upset because I didn’t know what the hell happened or why he said he couldn’t talk to me again. For 3 days, there was no response from him. I emailed him and told him not to do this because I knew what we had was real. He told Otis, his best friend, about it and Otis and Mike talked and he emailed me again and told me he was just fucked up in the head. Amanda and her father, Jerry, was getting into his head telling him that his family wasn’t worth it, that they were just using him and how he should just forget everyone, his blood, his brothers, everyone and live with them so he could live a stress free life. I was so determined to come see Mike. When he said he couldn’t talk to me anymore, I still felt like I needed to go see him and make sure it was what he wanted - to let me go for good. And if it was truly what he wanted, I would have returned him back the dragon.
The dragon is a long story. When I first got together with Mike, his father gave me a golden necklace with a circle pendant with a dragon inside the pendant and a Chinese character on the back that said “luck”. Mike had an identical one and we both wore it whenever we were apart from each other so we knew we were always there close to each other no matter how far the distance was. Mike had to sell his to help out his family when he got back to California from Illinois - but he got a dragon tattoo on his shoulder to represent family, loyalty and us.
I told Otis I was determined to go to California to see Mike, Otis didn’t object and neither did Mike. He wanted to see me also.
December 9, 2005. I flew to California to see Mike. It was far by the best thing that happened all year. I got to see Mike, and when I saw him for the first time in over a year, it was a dream come true. It was great. My love for him never went away and seeing him just reminded me 10x how much love I had for him. I kicked myself for leaving him a year ago but I felt great, my life wasn’t a mess, I had money saved up and I could easily have a life with Mike. I wanted it now, I missed Mike a lot and I felt like we were ready to start all over again. Mike was ready too, we were insanely happy together that weekend. It was over before I knew it and I had to go back to Washington. The plan was me staying in Washington until Leslie and I’s lease were up in March then I would pack up and move to California and live with Mike at a big house with Mike’s older brother P, and his fiancée, Weeze.
But after I came back from Washington I started having bad feelings. I knew Mike were still talking to Amanda and even if Mike said he wasn’t seeing her anymore and that it was over but I still had bad feelings. Something wasn’t right. Then it became a battle. I wanted Mike to come up for Christmas but Amanda wanted Mike to stay in California. Mike was suddenly being pulled apart between us. At first I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t find out until much later.
After many tears and arguments, I finally got Mike to come up to Washington for Christmas. He came up for Christmas and it was the first Christmas we spent together since Christmas 2002. But it wasn’t great. It was heartbreaking. You see, when Mike and I were talking over the course of December, he asked me if I would marry him twice and both times I said yes I would.
December 23rd, 2005. I picked him up at the airport and we went to Leslie’s mother’s house because we were spending the weekend there. When we got to Leslie’s mother’s house, Mike went downstairs to talk to Leslie for a minute. Then when he came in the room, he told me to sit on the bed and he got down on his knee and opened a box covered with velvet and there was a beautiful silver ring with a blue stone. He asked me to marry him. I said yes.
The next day we were getting ready to go to Ma’s sister’s place for the family gathering on Christmas eve. But that afternoon something wasn’t right. Mike was talking to someone on the phone and when he hung up, I saw the expression on his face and I knew that face too well. It meant he had something to tell me and I wouldn’t be very happy with it. He said he didn’t want to ruin the first Christmas we spent together since 2002. I told him it wouldn’t matter, it would ruin Christmas anyway because I would be wasting my time thinking about what he had to tell me. He made me promise not to flip out and ruin everyone else’s Christmas. I got offended because I wouldn’t have done that. He sighed, looked at me then looked down.
“I cheated on you. Twice.” All I could do was stare at him and suddenly remembering my conversation with Otis one night after I returned back to Washington. I asked him who did he cheat on me with. “Amanda.” I felt this surging anger - at him. HOW the fuck does he propose to me and ask me to marry him if he cheated AFTER I returned back to Washington? Why the hell would he do this? And I was angry at Otis also because he told me that I was maybe a little paranoid and overreacting when I told him that night I felt something was wrong, I didn’t feel like I trusted Mike, I knew something was going on. I KNEW it. He told me that he would understand if I wanted to leave him because he didn’t deserve me after what he did with Amanda. I told him “did you forget I said yes when you proposed NOT even 24 hours ago?!”
I stuck with him. I told him I wasn’t going to lose him nor was I going to dump him. We went through way too much to just let this go like this. We went to Ma’s house and we had our Christmas there. Even if I smiled and laughed, Mike’s cheating was still on my mind. The following week was one of the most emotional week I’ve ever had. Mike and I were going back and forth. I told Otis I decided I wanted to move to California. I didn’t want to lose Mike, I knew that if I let Mike go alone back to California I would lose him forever. Mike was weak. I knew that too well, even before he told me he cheated, I just knew. Mike didn’t want me to go with him to California because he was afraid something would happen but I thought “fuck that.” So I packed up all of my stuff and went with Mike to California, December 30, 2005.
That only marked another long emotional month. Amanda wanted Mike to go to the new year’s party with her and I didn’t want him to go because I knew that if Mike went with her, he would fuck up. It was a battle but he never went with her to the new year’s party - he spent it with me. I thought that was the end of the battle, that I wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore. I was here with Mike, and I wouldn’t have to fight anymore.
Wrong.
January 1, 2006. Mike told me that he needed to go over to his parents’ house to pick up the rest of his stuff. But then he signed on aim and told me that he wasn’t sure if he was coming back. I begged him to come back and not to go to her. Back and forth. He signed off, made me think he left. Then signed back on an hour later and tell me he’s still debating. I was being mind-fucked here. The longer he stayed away the longer I was losing it. Then when he said he was leaving, I lost it.
I thought, “fuck it. I cant take this anymore.” I was tired of hurting and I was tired of being emotional like this. I was tired of being strong - I was weaker than I thought. I just simply lost it. I went in the bathroom, picked up a brand new razor. I then cut. After the very first cut, Mike signed on. I told him it was done. And I couldn’t stop cutting. I wanted to die. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I felt like I had lost Leslie not recently but a while ago, I lost my mother and my father. And now Mike. Fuck life, fuck the world.
But the last fleeting moment I looked at my sidekick and Mike was begging me to open the door. Patrick was outside pounding on the door and jiggling the doorknob. Then I started to panic. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Is it really worth it? Would it be me the one who truly lost and not others? Then I decided to live.
Patrick would have broken down the door but he knew he couldn’t do that, he would have hurt me because I was right behind the door. But I let him in. Patrick got in, bandaged me up and took me in the truck and we went to Mike’s parents’ house where Mike were standing in the rain waiting for us. I wouldn’t look out the window or look at Patrick, I kept my eyes shut the whole drive and when made that left turn, I knew. Soon when the truck stopped, I felt the door open and I just fell apart. Mike held my chin and shook my head and tried to get me to open my eyes, I wouldn’t at first but he started shaking me more harder and caressed my face. So I opened my eyes. He was pissed, I could tell but all he asked was “why?”
WHY? Why the hell would you ask me why after all the emotional bullshit I went through the last couple of weeks? He started crying and told me he wasn’t leaving. Even if he said he was leaving and signed off AIM he just sat there and played his game, trying to take his mind off the battle between her and I. How the hell was I supposed to know that? He got mad at me and asked me how the hell was he supposed to have his life with me if I died? How was he supposed to have a family with me, have my kids with him if I died? How would he even live? He said he wasn’t leaving me and how he was going to make it up to me.
Unfortunately, the emotional whirl didn’t end there.
To explain things a little better so you understand why it was such a battle. When I left Mike, that time was a bad time for him - he needed me badly. I was the only good thing left he had in his life. So when I left him he had nothing. His family used him, and he hated who he was because he was without me. He didn’t know how to live without me. He loved me so much but he became a robot because that was all he knew how to live his life. Amanda came along and she was there for him when I wasn’t. even if we talked every day, even if I tried to be there for him as best as I could be, even miles away, Amanda was still there. I will always have Mike’s heart but Amanda has his mind. When Mike is with Amanda and her family, Mike doesn’t worry about anything, he lives a stress free life. He doesn’t have to worry about helping his family out anymore, no longer being used. He could do whatever he wanted to, fuck everyone, fuck the world. But yet, even if it was stress free life it was still fake. He still thought of me when he was with her. But he learned how to live with that, me being there in his mind constantly. He said he would never love her anywhere near on how much he loves me. But it was still a battle. How do you choose between your heart or your mind? I told him that the heart speaks the truth. The heart knows the truth and what it possess is true and pure. The mind is changeable. I told him I would easily choose my heart over my mind. But it was still a battle for him. Both sides had negatives and positives.
It was back and forth, he was constantly snapping at me, always on the phone with her, fighting with me, being cruel. As more time went by I wasn’t sure if he was even the Mike I knew anymore. I always had bad feelings and every time I had them, they always turned out right.
January 7, 2006. We dropped Mike off because he said he had something to do for his dad. I didn’t trust him because of all the betrayal he did in the last few weeks but he told me not to worry and to trust him. He said he wasn’t going to fuck up anymore and just to trust him. I said ok. So I left him and went home with Puff, P and Otis. But as the night went by I had a bad feeling again. We tried to reach Mike but his sidekick were turned off. I knew something was wrong. Weeze and I were drinking so much that night, we killed 4 bottles that night. Then I asked P, Otis and Puff to please go find Mike. I needed to know where he was. They went but the moment they went out to look for Mike, I just knew where he was. I was willing to bet a million dollars that he was at Amanda’s house.
They returned and all I said to Otis was “He’s at her house, isn’t he?” he confirmed, yes. That was it. Fuck the ring, fuck the dragon, fuck him. I told him to please take me back there so I could return the dragon and the ring so I could forget him. Otis drove me there while I seethed with anger and sadness. We made it there, and the moment I saw Mike, I just threw the ring at him and got into the car. And to my surprise he got into the car and onto the seat next to me and it only made me angrier. Did he think he was going to come back to me just that easily after he went over there to see Amanda again? I suddenly remembered the dragon around my neck. I grabbed it and it broke loose and I threw it at Mike and curled up and wanted to disappear off the face of the earth.
We got home and I walked in straight to my room and fell on my bed and wanted to do nothing but cry. Mike made me look at him and he told me he loved me. He realized he made a mistake and told me all the things he always told me the last 3 years - how much he loved me and how much he missed me. How Amanda would never measure up to me and how my love for him was the most pure he’s ever known from anyone. He said he wanted me to give him another chance to prove it to me. He said he was tired of fucking up but he would try his hardest to make it up to me, only if I would give him a chance. I, even then, heartbroken said yes.
But all the last ounce of trust I had in him was gone. I didn’t even have faith in him to even try to be honest because of everything that happened. I didn’t’ even know if it was him that was the Mike I used to know.
So more fights occurred after that, more battles, more arguments, more tears. We kept trying to forget all other bullshit and meet in the middle so we could work them out but something always came along to fuck it up. It didn’t seem to end at all. Until Wednesday night, January 18th, we had a huge fight earlier that evening but that night we talked and didn’t fight anymore. We held each other like we truly loved each other. This was US, Brandi and Mike that I was fighting for so long to at least achieve.
January 19th, 2006. In the morning he went off to work and after all the fights, battles and tears the last few weeks I was expecting Mike to snap at me, say cruel things to me. But he didn’t. He kissed me loving and said he couldn’t wait to see me when he came home from work. I was surprised. All day he was being very sweet, and truly the Mike I knew. He came home after work, kissed and caressed me like he hadn’t seen me for years and years. This was the typical us. He took a shower, we played video games and he kicked my ass at Tetris. But I did kick his ass at some. We were laughing and I had the best time just being with him. We were happy. Then I left to rent movies and I returned. Mike was on the phone for a while and I knew who it was but I was tired of fighting over that so I didn’t say a single word. The evening went so good and I didn’t want anything to ruin it. He hung up and we went to watch a movie that I had rented - “Hustle and Flow”. We cuddled and held each other tightly the whole movie. We shared ice cream and we were just us. Mike then told me that he was so happy just being this way with me, he could feel the true love that we had between us and being together made it the best thing in the world. I went to sleep with him holding me tight, and I dreamed the sweetest dreams.
January 20, 2006. I woke up to him in the morning before he had to go to work. I was dreading the cruel Mike to come out, I was afraid. He was like an “emotionaholic” I was getting used to him being angry and cruel all the time and I woke up expecting the worst. But he kissed and hugged me just like he had been the sweet Mike I knew forever, not the new cruel Mike that I had learned to dislike. Then a few minutes before he was supposed to go to work, he asked me what I would do if he said I would hate him after this weekend. I asked him what he meant. He said not to worry and that he would see me after work.
I worried. All day. I worried about what the hell he meant by that. I was afraid that it was just too good to be true. Was he being sweet just so he could hurt me? Why all of a sudden? Why didn’t he just do this when I left with him to California? I knew something was up. The bad feeling was warning me again. Damn the bad feelings!
Mike came home from work and he took a shower. He was still very sweet. Then we locked ourselves in our bedroom and we talked. He told me that Amanda’s master plan was to take Mike out to dinner with J and Nikki then go to Krystal’s party at her apartment with all the others, then take Mike home with her. The next day, Saturday, she would take Mike to San Francisco all day so that Mike wouldn’t be able to come home. And Sunday, nah, he wouldn’t be coming home because by then it would be too late. She thought that it either would make me 1) say fuck it, fuck Mike or 2) die.
I couldn’t believe it. But nonetheless… It was the ultimate truth - it was time for him to choose.
He chose me. He texted Amanda and told her that he wasn’t going. Amanda called and bitched and bitched. Then J called. “Come on man, let’s just go out and have fun. You and I planned this for awhile, you know just forget all the bullshit and have fun with me.” I didn’t want Mike to go because there were NO absolutely trust I had left in him. He said he wasn’t going but then he told me what J said. He said he would go and come back right after dinner and not go to Krystal’s. He would even call me if he couldn’t get a ride back home. He said that he would talk to Amanda and tell her what she needed to hear to let Mike go. He looked at me deep in my eyes and said “I know you don’t trust me. But LISTEN. I promise you on my life that I will come home tonight to you. I chose you. I can’t say trust me because I know you don’t trust me at all. But just listen and believe.”
I let him walk. I kissed him and watched him get in the car with J, Nikki and. . . Amanda. I told myself to just believe and to LISTEN to him. Just… I told myself that if I had any faith left, to put everything I had in this one.
We texted each other back and forth but about an hour later I texted him again but he didn’t answer. I texted him again half an hour later. No answer. Again half an hour later. No answer. My bad feeling were there and it was on full blast. Something was wrong. My stomach was knotting and my mind was going insane. Now this is where I talked to myself on my sidekick, trying to keep myself calm, trying to tell myself to believe … but I was losing it. The rest was what was on my mind that night.
January 20
10:45 pm
I just called him. I had to know if he turned his sidekick off...yes he did. He turned his sidekick off. I was just a fool wasn't I? I shouldn't have let him walk away. He could promise he'd come home tonight, promise on his life but... *sigh* god. How sad...he could promise on the stars, as pure as they were, it could be easily a lie. If he doesn’t come home tonight then its over. Fuck it. As much as it’d kill me I'll disappear. (state deleted) is where I'm going. (state deleted) will kill the connection on my sidekick, except for texting. I'll get my shit together, (name deleted) would help me. She's a harass but she wants the best for me, she's the only one who ran my ass hard, even Dad didn't do that. I have money now and I'll be able to get a car, my license, go back to school, get Jade back, start a new life. No more bullshit, no more fake people, this time its all me. I cried all the tears tonight, I'm tired. If Mike wants to go with Amanda, fine, I won't fight anymore. I guess this might be the final sacrifice. Mike knows everything there is to know...I've told him I'd do anything. Maybe it's not what I say that matters anymore....maybe its just that I destroyed him... Maybe it means I have to live the rest of my life without him because that's a price I have to pay for making the mistake a year ago. Its going to fucking kill me but... If it means Mikes going to be happy, him making his choice for himself, then ok...god knows how the fuck I'm going to do this but I will. 19 days ago wasn't the moment of truth, its today. No, not today, tonight. If he doesn't come home tonight and I wake up in the morning alone, the spot besides me empty then I'll know. I'll be making calls to (name deleted) the next moment. I won't wait. I won't tell Mike where I go, I can't do that....if he chose life with her, he doesn't need to be thinking about where I am nor does he need to worry about me. Otis is going to be so pissed but I hope he will understand if I explain him why its needed for me to disappear. I hope he will have the best happiness with his Manda. The happiness I wasn't able to achieve with Mike... I hope Otis won't let Mike and I ruin that. Mike was right. The weather unleashed upon us, Mike stood strong, I got washed away and when I built myself back up he was gone. He washed away and ended up somewhere else, not the same place. Is that the truth? I don't know... I just wish I didn't fuck up.
Its 10:58 pm.... I'm starting to panic. But why panic? its quite obvious I guess... I don't want to lose him but I let him go so he could make his choice. Maybe it was stupid to let him walk away but he promised on his life he'd come home tonight and that all weekend this weekend was all mine.... I don't trust him so how do I believe? I don't know, I'm all fucked up. I want to believe so badly but I'm so afraid, I don't want to believe in case I get hurt again but even if I don't believe I still get hurt.
Tonight, I'm just going to wait for the answer. It will come no matter what. If he's here, he kept his promise. If he's not here, I'm ....gone. He said that he couldn't say "trust me" because that was stupid for obvious reason but he put it on his life that he'll be coming home but he's weak, I cannot forget that. He said to just please listen. But he said he knows himself he'd fuck up if he left. so why does things he say contradict each other? Why did he turn his sidekick off? All these questions... Its pointless. He said to listen because this is the beginning to the progress of us... I'm afraid. He said he wanted to marry me but turned around and was with her? He said he didn't believe in us, is why he "fucked up" with me when he cheated on me with her... So if he didn't believe in us, why ask me to marry him? its sad when you know your soul mate is right there in front of you yet the harsh truth is he might have never been. I don't know if that made sense... To me it does... Mike hasn't been the Mike I know the last 3 weeks, he was constantly vicious to me. Saying horrible things I never thought I'd ever hear from him, he did fucked up things to me, went back to her, cheated on me, lied... Yet I saw through all of that, just because I wanted a moment of the real him to show up. I knew he was in there somewhere. And he finally did Thursday. it meant the absolute world to me....it bought the old Gglz back, however temporary or permanent it may be? I don't know which one would be the correct answer. It didn't matter, I was Gglz again.
It’s 11:16 pm, I'm waiting, the last thread of my faith is hanging on. The night is still young… /end 11:17 pm
11:57 pm begin/ Still no Mike...... I'm feeling sick to my stomach and my heart is sinking...god. /end 11:58 pm
January 21
1:01 am begin/ Otis went to sleep. He said to wake him up if Mike needed a ride or something. I'm afraid I won't be waking Otis up......its 1 am, I don't know if he's coming home. His sidekick is turned off. Why'd he have to do that?! Fuck. Fuck! My bad feeling is there............ And every time I had that bad feeling it's always right. He's not coming home to me tonight, is he... damnit. Promised on his life, huh? I'm afraid ... was it just an another lie? I'm tired of being mind-fucked like this, why can't he just come home now. /end 1:05 am
1:11 am begin/ Should I text J? I mean.... No... I'm terrified, I'd fucking go nuts if he texted back "he went home with her"... I don't know........ Oh god I'm going nuts now. *deep breath* ok if he's not home by 3 he's definitely gone... shit ... I think I'm going to be sick /end 1:14 am
1:49 am begin/ ...........................
1:53 am begin/ I just texted J on Otis's sidekick............it’s 1:54 am now, no answer. 1:55. Oh god. oh god. he went home with her didn't he...... 1:56. God fucking damn the fucking bastard, J need to fucking answer me! *tears*...... 1:57. 5 minutes.... 1:58. If no answer by 2:15 I'm calling J..........
2:03 am begin/ ......still no answer. omg. I can't wait any longer, I have to call J............... Or should I wait... Shitshitshit. Mike said to listen to him! I want to know if that was a lie RIGHT NOW!! OR IS HE COMING HOME OR IF HE NEEDS A GODDAMN RIDE!? my head hurts...my eyes hurt... But what's killing me more is my feeling.... Fuck it I'm texting j on mine and see what he says...... If no answer by 10 more minutes I'm calling ...*tears* /end 2:05 am
2:06 am begin/ I texted him............*prays* 2:07 am. 2:09 am. still no answer......... I'm falling apart.. I dialed Mikes number like... 50 times already it goes straight to his voicemail... 2:10 am.... 5 more minutes...WHY did I let him go1? Fuickcufkcufdkcufdkcufkc! 2:11 am. Fuck it I'm calling.
2:12 am begin/ omg...J's phone is turned off too. Omg. I am so ..... FUCK IT! She can fucking have him I don't give a shit anymore!!!! Why'd he got to do this way to me, why? Fuck it. So much for love! I..... I was going to type I hate him but no, I couldn't ever say that. Damn myself for loving him. Why him? why do I do this? ...........omg. I'm so fucking stupid. STUPID! Promised on his life huh? Fuck that, he promised on his life that meant nothing to me! He promised on himself and what did he want? Himself with her! Fuck her, and fuck him! .....I'm going to disappear. He'd never know where I went. Not even Leslie or Otis will know where I'm going.....I guess I deserved this huh? The last 3 weeks and tonight's pain is nowhere as near of how much pain I put Mike through for a year. Go ahead....rip me apart make me nothing...no wait, he can't! Why? Because I'm nothing now! Yay, now we both are nothing. How ironic, we both are nothing because we made each other that way. people talk about how love is wonderful and all that. Well shit, they forgot to tell you that its nothing but pain! It’s so damn tragic I almost wish love never existed. No right now I wish it doesn't. Why? ....................... Fuck. I'm going to see if I have Krystal’s number then I'm calling her. /end 2:25 am
2:27 am begin/ ...why the fuck is nobody answering their goddamn phone. ....omg nobody’s there anymore the party’s ended awhile ago.....he went home with her. I know it. ....omg.
2:29 am begin/ Mitch… Answering machine. What do I do now!? Omg..... Fuck it. I'm dead to him now. /end 2:32 am
2:40 am begin/ You win, Mike.
This is when I called him very early in the morning and he finally had his sidekick on. I told him to get on aim. He came on. I asked him why. He said he drank. And fucked up. He fucked up so far, he couldn't go back. He was tired of doing this to me, he kept fucking up over and over again and again. I asked him what his REAL choice was. Since he chose me soberly but her while drunk. He said I was the real choice. But it was too late. So I told him I was letting him go, as much as it killed me I was going to be unselfish and let him go. I can't fight anymore if he's already done it. I didn't trust him, that's why he didn't say trust me. I' didn't even want him to go but when he said he promised on his life. "I know you don't trust me but LISTEN..." I listened to an empty promise that burst along with the alcohol bubbles. I'm so angry!!! ALCOHOL CHOSE FOR HIM! I told everyone I wish I didn't let him go on Friday. But Puff said seeing how he did it over and over again and again, it would have to happen now or later. Maybe Puff's right. How fucked up is that? People search for their soul mates all their life. I found mine at 17. He found his at 18. Now I'm almost 21 he's almost 22 yet he let me go? When he did this, not only did he destroy me but he's destroyed everyone else...Puff's lost it, all Mike is to him is a garbage nigga now. And that hurt me a lot to hear that because Puff looked up to him like he was the god of the universe. Otis's lost it. Mike always talked about family, love, loyalty for 9 years, he was the one who saved Otis over and over again and again and Otis came all the way out here to be with the only family he knew - Mike. Now he's gone. Otis's lost it. P and Weeze is betrayed. They can't believe Mike chose a bitch over me and his blood, his family, us who were there for multiple years. Everyone wants to kick his ass plus J, Nikki, Mitch, Latisia, Rochelle but I told everyone to just leave Mike alone. Don't give Amanda the power to say "see they're fucked up, they hurt us because of a choice you made". Just let Mike go, like I did. He will hurt the most when he realizes the hurt he put on all of us and the damage he's done.
January 20
8:45 am begin/ I let him go. I love you.
1:21 pm begin/ I was the winner. I hung in. I'm the strongest woman that walked the earth, even with tears running down my face. I have to go. Disappear.
1:34 pm begin/ he's on his way here to pick up his shit. I won't let him leave till he tells me which the fuck was the real choice.
1:49 pm begin/ today marks exactly 2 years ago that I spoke I love you for the very first time in Mike's ear. I guess I'll be doing that for the last time today.....give me strength, god I need it. /end 1:50 pm
3:04 pm begin/ he left 3:02 pm. He walked out of my life....he said to be strong baby...he said not to do anything stupid.. He's going to wear the ring on his neck...and I'll wear mine. He said I had my time to walk away ...now its his time. He needs to go and find out the hard way... And he'll find me when he's ready. He hoped for the best and he saw me again just like he said he would. Now I need to hope for the best and believe that I'll see him again. Before he left he said he wanted to say something but it’d hurt. I said say it because I knew if he didn't he'd regret leaving without saying it. He put I love you on my chest. I returned it.... And I hugged him... god, that was it, I lost it. I told him I loved him in his ear and he said I love you in my ear....and a kiss sealed it. And he was gone. Its only been 8 minutes and my life feels like its dying... I'm not strong...I couldn't do it, I can't I can't be strong like Mike...how do I do it.... god. /end 3:12p
3:29 pm begin/ why does people care about me? I'm nothing but a pain in the ass, I'm just a hassle.
5:32 pm begin/ Puff ....he just said Mikes no longer his brother...what he did created a lot of hate.. He's just another garbage nigga to him now. That hurt, why does it hurt me? *sigh*.... Otis is taking it hard too...such an impact on all of us....... /end 5:34 pm
6:26 pm begin/ I know why it hurts me when Puff said that. He looked up to Mike like he was the god of the universe...I saw that everyday, Mike was the savior for everyone...how unselfish was that.... He was mine as well....its just time for me to pick myself up and move on. I'll never forget these guys.... They all changed my perspective of them... Through thick and thin, no matter how fucked up the family is, they'd do it, be there for each other. I'm not family I haven't been around for a year yet they took me in as if I've never left. /end 6:30 pm
January 24
11:11 pm begin/ I refuse to cry for him anymore! Don't fucking cry!! You know you're the best, you know he's thinking of you! Then why doesn't he email you, why doesn't he text you? Fuck him, he doesn't care about you. He doesn't, look he's having fun with her, smiling, being all fucking cozy. Fuck him!!! It took him an hour max to decide this. Fuck it. His loss. Don't suffer for him.....… /end 11:16 pm
January 25
1:40 am begin/ I'm not sure of anything anymore....was he just feeding me bullshit? Or did he really love me but didn't want to hurt me anymore? Will he really come and find me? I don't know anymore. The pictures really did it in. He looked.... like he was.... I don't know, like he wanted this. I'm afraid. I don't want to be holding on if all of this was a lie, just bullshit he fed me, like Otis said, at least that's what Otis thinks.... I would know if it was the truth if I saw my ring around Mike's neck like he said he was going to do but how would I know? I'd never see him and he most likely will never send me pictures. Not a single word from him since Sunday... nothing. It's like he cut me off, what have I done to deserve this? Yes I know I left him but I didn't leave him alone entirely, I didn't shut him out and cut him off then magically reappear a year later. If that was the case I would have understood why but this. . . Why? I was there as much as I could be, and when I wasn't there it was because it hurt too much. Just like he did the same thing, he wasn't there for me on my 20th birthday, he wasn't there when our special anniversary (our engagement on the beach) passed. I hurt as much as he did, if anything I'm sure I cried more tears than he ever did. It's ironic how he's so weak yet he's so strong he could control what emotion to show and what not to show. Me, I couldn't. He weakened that a long time ago when we first got together. But I'm stronger in faith and doing what it takes than him. I realized a lot more things when I talked to Otis tonight. Alcohol didn't choose for Mike. He was too weak to choose for himself so he let whichever win then it was too late. He didn't want to carry the full responsibility of choosing, he took the easy way out. I feel like I didn't get the answers like I deserved. There's too many things left unsaid. I asked him many questions but... I don't feel at ease like I should. I let him go, yes, but I feel ...not right. I need to know more. But he hasn't emailed me, hasn't texted me at all. So much for caring. Maybe I need to stop loving him now, because he's not the Mike I loved a year ago anymore. I killed him. But I deserve to know! He did this to me, why did he do this to me if I supposedly killed him or if he supposedly died and that her family was him now? Why did he even attempt this? Why did he even bother to tell me he missed me and that he loved me and that he still wants a family with me, still dreams of me being the mother of his kids if he said the Mike I knew was dead? Why? If he was truly dead he would have never looked back at me. But he did, back and forth, back and forth.
But I'm sticking to what I decided, I won't email or contact Mike. I'm deleting Mike's myspace and making my profile private so none of these bitches and none of these bastards can check my profile out. Mike won't have access to my livejournal anymore. Not like he really ever read livejournal. I'm truly alone. Leslie and I aren't the old best friends we used to be, she doesn't even know I'm leaving to (state deleted), she doesn't even know Mike cut her off just as easily, too. Now that I've lost Mike... now I'm truly alone. I know there are people that care for me but once you've experienced great losses it doesn't allow you to see past it... Not for a long time. There were four people that held my heart entirely. Mom. Dad. Leslie. Mike. Such great losses. I'm never going to open that black book again. I don't even know if I should even wear the dragon and the ring. Maybe I won't until I see him wearing his.
Like I said, I don't know anything anymore. I'm being pulled into 2 different sides. Otis, P, Weeze and Puff say to forget Mike, that all was a lie, fuck him... Yet Mike tells me not to hate him, that he will come find me, and to not listen to what other people say. But how if he's betrayed every trust I had left in him? How if he let a promise go so loosely without a sight of a second thought on his face in the pictures with her that night? How do I believe?
"Believe like I did for a year."
I DID NOT LEAVE HIM FOR ANOTHER GUY! I LEFT FOR MYSELF! I did not betray his trust, I did not lie to him! I wasn’t cruel and vicious to him! I would never hurt him this way. That's why I could not accept that answer but if I couldn't accept that answer then how do I accept any of his answers?
I'm so confused, betrayed and fucked up. I just want the truth. But shade after shade overlap one after another, now everything's fucking black, white and gray.
How do I tell? I wish it was red, the truth would stand out a lot more obvious. /end 2:38am
January 25
10:11 am begin/ I just woke up and there was a text waiting. . . From him.
"9:01 am - Fwd: don’t give this number to anyone ok.? you can reach me here. Mike"
That's all I NEEDED the last few days but no, he took his sweet time! Now I don't know what to do, I don't want to answer yet I want to. Fuck texting, it means nothing to me now. What the fuck can I say on text?
Hi.
How are you?
That's nice.
Fuck the small talk bullshit. He want to know how I'm doing, email me a REAL email. Not an email of "how you doing? Get back ta me, -Mike". He took away the security of knowing he's close for me to talk to when I really need him. Email doesn't seem to really mean shit to me anymore. I could be falling apart that moment and he won't be there. Even so, he could type an email and she'd be standing right there watching. Phone? Ha, we never talk on the phone so that's out of the question.
When I get to (state deleted), I'm going to do A LOT of closure. I'm going to get a box and put everything that is Mike, pictures, his book, notebooks, everything and tape it shut. I don't want to see them again until Mike's back in my life. If he ever will be.
The text goes unanswered. /end 10:27 am
1:06 pm begin/ I just remembered my dream from last night. I remember I was crying in my bed and she came in naked. She got in bed with me and held me from behind. And I wasn't even angry at her, I just looked at her and I thought "why are you here, what are you doing?" and she just looked at me and held me...I can't remember the rest of the dream or anything, it was just a quick piece that I remember. Why do I keep dreaming of them? The other dream I had was of me going to Amanda's and I took Mike back. Jerry was there and he told Mike to go with me because he could see I truly loved Mike and he knew Mike's heart was me so he let me go. Amanda came home and she got so angry she ran up and got the blanket and the sheets and ran back down and tried to throw it outside the door but Jerry grabbed her and slapped her. Then... That's all I remember.
I remember a nightmare from a long time ago when I was living with Mike in California. I remember Mike and I had a fight and Mike left. I waited and waited for hours and he finally came home but he told me it was over and he showed a girl with him, I'm not sure who the girl was but I think it was Kelly. They went in Mike and my old room at Mike’s parents’ house and were fucking for hours while I cried in our other old room alone.
I guess that's me now, except I'm not crying anymore. I want to live, like Puff said, he's done shedding tears for him. Maybe I'll shed a few for a while, I know that will never change but I'm done burying myself in pain and sadness. /end 1:14 pm
This is it. The story of Mike. I don’t know why Mike did this the way he did. Maybe I’m not meant to understand. Either way, I let him go and now I am moving on. Leslie was right. As much as I’d hurt, she was right, I still would move on.
Poetic dreams close now.
February 2005. This was when I ended it with Mike. I honestly felt like I was dragging him when I was so messed up in my life. I wasn’t stable, I wasn’t going to school and neither was Mike. So I decided to break up with him so I could focus on my life and get my shit together so that when Mike and I got back together we wouldn’t have problems like we were having in our relationship. I think another reason why I broke up with him was to save what was left of us. We were fighting so much and it was almost tearing us apart and I had no idea how I was going to manage the long distance after I lived with Mike for 2 years. How would I do this if I was so used to getting up next to Mike every morning and doing everything and anything with him? I was used to saying “Mike and I” never just “I.” I had to go to Ohio and Mike had to go back to California. As much as I fought, I didn’t want him to go back to California because I knew he would get used by his parents again. It was one of the reason why we moved to Illinois in the first place - to get away from being used by his parents. But nonetheless, he still went back to his parents and I went to Ohio. So it went like that for the rest of the year. Mike and I never stopped saying I love you or talking to each other for hours on aim or sending emails. It was as if we never broke up but in the back of our minds we knew we weren’t together. We were living separate lives. I dated some guys but I didn’t tell Mike because I didn’t know if he even wanted to know. But one day Mike and I talked and we agreed that if we were going to date someone, we’d let each other know. That time I was single and had just dumped Shayne (yes people, I DID date Shayne, only for a very brief time hence why most of you never knew this). Anyway, Mike and I did not see each other at all during that year. I wanted to but I didn’t. There were many talks of getting back together, I don’t know why but it never progressed into anything. Maybe because I wasn’t ready and maybe Mike wasn’t ready either. Until November 2005 rolled around. One day he signed on aim and told me that he needed to tell me something. He didn’t want to “hide” it from me any longer, he wanted to let me know. He told me that he was dating someone named Amanda. He hadn’t been together with her for long. He told me that even if he was with her, he still thought of me. Still dreamed of me when he slept next to her, even woke up looking for me to hold and only found her. When he kissed her, he thought of me, and wished it was me. He wasn’t happy with her, he wanted me, he missed me, he wanted to feel happy again. So we talked about getting back together. Amanda got mad at Mike because she knew that Mike still talked to me and still told me that he loved me. He said he would never stop saying that to me as long as he lives because forever I was in his heart, I possessed his heart, I was half of who he was.
So we were talking about him flying up to Washington to see me and to talk more about getting back together in person. But one night he emailed me and said he couldn’t talk to me ever again. I, of course, got upset because I didn’t know what the hell happened or why he said he couldn’t talk to me again. For 3 days, there was no response from him. I emailed him and told him not to do this because I knew what we had was real. He told Otis, his best friend, about it and Otis and Mike talked and he emailed me again and told me he was just fucked up in the head. Amanda and her father, Jerry, was getting into his head telling him that his family wasn’t worth it, that they were just using him and how he should just forget everyone, his blood, his brothers, everyone and live with them so he could live a stress free life. I was so determined to come see Mike. When he said he couldn’t talk to me anymore, I still felt like I needed to go see him and make sure it was what he wanted - to let me go for good. And if it was truly what he wanted, I would have returned him back the dragon.
The dragon is a long story. When I first got together with Mike, his father gave me a golden necklace with a circle pendant with a dragon inside the pendant and a Chinese character on the back that said “luck”. Mike had an identical one and we both wore it whenever we were apart from each other so we knew we were always there close to each other no matter how far the distance was. Mike had to sell his to help out his family when he got back to California from Illinois - but he got a dragon tattoo on his shoulder to represent family, loyalty and us.
I told Otis I was determined to go to California to see Mike, Otis didn’t object and neither did Mike. He wanted to see me also.
December 9, 2005. I flew to California to see Mike. It was far by the best thing that happened all year. I got to see Mike, and when I saw him for the first time in over a year, it was a dream come true. It was great. My love for him never went away and seeing him just reminded me 10x how much love I had for him. I kicked myself for leaving him a year ago but I felt great, my life wasn’t a mess, I had money saved up and I could easily have a life with Mike. I wanted it now, I missed Mike a lot and I felt like we were ready to start all over again. Mike was ready too, we were insanely happy together that weekend. It was over before I knew it and I had to go back to Washington. The plan was me staying in Washington until Leslie and I’s lease were up in March then I would pack up and move to California and live with Mike at a big house with Mike’s older brother P, and his fiancée, Weeze.
But after I came back from Washington I started having bad feelings. I knew Mike were still talking to Amanda and even if Mike said he wasn’t seeing her anymore and that it was over but I still had bad feelings. Something wasn’t right. Then it became a battle. I wanted Mike to come up for Christmas but Amanda wanted Mike to stay in California. Mike was suddenly being pulled apart between us. At first I couldn’t understand why. I didn’t find out until much later.
After many tears and arguments, I finally got Mike to come up to Washington for Christmas. He came up for Christmas and it was the first Christmas we spent together since Christmas 2002. But it wasn’t great. It was heartbreaking. You see, when Mike and I were talking over the course of December, he asked me if I would marry him twice and both times I said yes I would.
December 23rd, 2005. I picked him up at the airport and we went to Leslie’s mother’s house because we were spending the weekend there. When we got to Leslie’s mother’s house, Mike went downstairs to talk to Leslie for a minute. Then when he came in the room, he told me to sit on the bed and he got down on his knee and opened a box covered with velvet and there was a beautiful silver ring with a blue stone. He asked me to marry him. I said yes.
The next day we were getting ready to go to Ma’s sister’s place for the family gathering on Christmas eve. But that afternoon something wasn’t right. Mike was talking to someone on the phone and when he hung up, I saw the expression on his face and I knew that face too well. It meant he had something to tell me and I wouldn’t be very happy with it. He said he didn’t want to ruin the first Christmas we spent together since 2002. I told him it wouldn’t matter, it would ruin Christmas anyway because I would be wasting my time thinking about what he had to tell me. He made me promise not to flip out and ruin everyone else’s Christmas. I got offended because I wouldn’t have done that. He sighed, looked at me then looked down.
“I cheated on you. Twice.” All I could do was stare at him and suddenly remembering my conversation with Otis one night after I returned back to Washington. I asked him who did he cheat on me with. “Amanda.” I felt this surging anger - at him. HOW the fuck does he propose to me and ask me to marry him if he cheated AFTER I returned back to Washington? Why the hell would he do this? And I was angry at Otis also because he told me that I was maybe a little paranoid and overreacting when I told him that night I felt something was wrong, I didn’t feel like I trusted Mike, I knew something was going on. I KNEW it. He told me that he would understand if I wanted to leave him because he didn’t deserve me after what he did with Amanda. I told him “did you forget I said yes when you proposed NOT even 24 hours ago?!”
I stuck with him. I told him I wasn’t going to lose him nor was I going to dump him. We went through way too much to just let this go like this. We went to Ma’s house and we had our Christmas there. Even if I smiled and laughed, Mike’s cheating was still on my mind. The following week was one of the most emotional week I’ve ever had. Mike and I were going back and forth. I told Otis I decided I wanted to move to California. I didn’t want to lose Mike, I knew that if I let Mike go alone back to California I would lose him forever. Mike was weak. I knew that too well, even before he told me he cheated, I just knew. Mike didn’t want me to go with him to California because he was afraid something would happen but I thought “fuck that.” So I packed up all of my stuff and went with Mike to California, December 30, 2005.
That only marked another long emotional month. Amanda wanted Mike to go to the new year’s party with her and I didn’t want him to go because I knew that if Mike went with her, he would fuck up. It was a battle but he never went with her to the new year’s party - he spent it with me. I thought that was the end of the battle, that I wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore. I was here with Mike, and I wouldn’t have to fight anymore.
Wrong.
January 1, 2006. Mike told me that he needed to go over to his parents’ house to pick up the rest of his stuff. But then he signed on aim and told me that he wasn’t sure if he was coming back. I begged him to come back and not to go to her. Back and forth. He signed off, made me think he left. Then signed back on an hour later and tell me he’s still debating. I was being mind-fucked here. The longer he stayed away the longer I was losing it. Then when he said he was leaving, I lost it.
I thought, “fuck it. I cant take this anymore.” I was tired of hurting and I was tired of being emotional like this. I was tired of being strong - I was weaker than I thought. I just simply lost it. I went in the bathroom, picked up a brand new razor. I then cut. After the very first cut, Mike signed on. I told him it was done. And I couldn’t stop cutting. I wanted to die. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I felt like I had lost Leslie not recently but a while ago, I lost my mother and my father. And now Mike. Fuck life, fuck the world.
But the last fleeting moment I looked at my sidekick and Mike was begging me to open the door. Patrick was outside pounding on the door and jiggling the doorknob. Then I started to panic. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Is it really worth it? Would it be me the one who truly lost and not others? Then I decided to live.
Patrick would have broken down the door but he knew he couldn’t do that, he would have hurt me because I was right behind the door. But I let him in. Patrick got in, bandaged me up and took me in the truck and we went to Mike’s parents’ house where Mike were standing in the rain waiting for us. I wouldn’t look out the window or look at Patrick, I kept my eyes shut the whole drive and when made that left turn, I knew. Soon when the truck stopped, I felt the door open and I just fell apart. Mike held my chin and shook my head and tried to get me to open my eyes, I wouldn’t at first but he started shaking me more harder and caressed my face. So I opened my eyes. He was pissed, I could tell but all he asked was “why?”
WHY? Why the hell would you ask me why after all the emotional bullshit I went through the last couple of weeks? He started crying and told me he wasn’t leaving. Even if he said he was leaving and signed off AIM he just sat there and played his game, trying to take his mind off the battle between her and I. How the hell was I supposed to know that? He got mad at me and asked me how the hell was he supposed to have his life with me if I died? How was he supposed to have a family with me, have my kids with him if I died? How would he even live? He said he wasn’t leaving me and how he was going to make it up to me.
Unfortunately, the emotional whirl didn’t end there.
To explain things a little better so you understand why it was such a battle. When I left Mike, that time was a bad time for him - he needed me badly. I was the only good thing left he had in his life. So when I left him he had nothing. His family used him, and he hated who he was because he was without me. He didn’t know how to live without me. He loved me so much but he became a robot because that was all he knew how to live his life. Amanda came along and she was there for him when I wasn’t. even if we talked every day, even if I tried to be there for him as best as I could be, even miles away, Amanda was still there. I will always have Mike’s heart but Amanda has his mind. When Mike is with Amanda and her family, Mike doesn’t worry about anything, he lives a stress free life. He doesn’t have to worry about helping his family out anymore, no longer being used. He could do whatever he wanted to, fuck everyone, fuck the world. But yet, even if it was stress free life it was still fake. He still thought of me when he was with her. But he learned how to live with that, me being there in his mind constantly. He said he would never love her anywhere near on how much he loves me. But it was still a battle. How do you choose between your heart or your mind? I told him that the heart speaks the truth. The heart knows the truth and what it possess is true and pure. The mind is changeable. I told him I would easily choose my heart over my mind. But it was still a battle for him. Both sides had negatives and positives.
It was back and forth, he was constantly snapping at me, always on the phone with her, fighting with me, being cruel. As more time went by I wasn’t sure if he was even the Mike I knew anymore. I always had bad feelings and every time I had them, they always turned out right.
January 7, 2006. We dropped Mike off because he said he had something to do for his dad. I didn’t trust him because of all the betrayal he did in the last few weeks but he told me not to worry and to trust him. He said he wasn’t going to fuck up anymore and just to trust him. I said ok. So I left him and went home with Puff, P and Otis. But as the night went by I had a bad feeling again. We tried to reach Mike but his sidekick were turned off. I knew something was wrong. Weeze and I were drinking so much that night, we killed 4 bottles that night. Then I asked P, Otis and Puff to please go find Mike. I needed to know where he was. They went but the moment they went out to look for Mike, I just knew where he was. I was willing to bet a million dollars that he was at Amanda’s house.
They returned and all I said to Otis was “He’s at her house, isn’t he?” he confirmed, yes. That was it. Fuck the ring, fuck the dragon, fuck him. I told him to please take me back there so I could return the dragon and the ring so I could forget him. Otis drove me there while I seethed with anger and sadness. We made it there, and the moment I saw Mike, I just threw the ring at him and got into the car. And to my surprise he got into the car and onto the seat next to me and it only made me angrier. Did he think he was going to come back to me just that easily after he went over there to see Amanda again? I suddenly remembered the dragon around my neck. I grabbed it and it broke loose and I threw it at Mike and curled up and wanted to disappear off the face of the earth.
We got home and I walked in straight to my room and fell on my bed and wanted to do nothing but cry. Mike made me look at him and he told me he loved me. He realized he made a mistake and told me all the things he always told me the last 3 years - how much he loved me and how much he missed me. How Amanda would never measure up to me and how my love for him was the most pure he’s ever known from anyone. He said he wanted me to give him another chance to prove it to me. He said he was tired of fucking up but he would try his hardest to make it up to me, only if I would give him a chance. I, even then, heartbroken said yes.
But all the last ounce of trust I had in him was gone. I didn’t even have faith in him to even try to be honest because of everything that happened. I didn’t’ even know if it was him that was the Mike I used to know.
So more fights occurred after that, more battles, more arguments, more tears. We kept trying to forget all other bullshit and meet in the middle so we could work them out but something always came along to fuck it up. It didn’t seem to end at all. Until Wednesday night, January 18th, we had a huge fight earlier that evening but that night we talked and didn’t fight anymore. We held each other like we truly loved each other. This was US, Brandi and Mike that I was fighting for so long to at least achieve.
January 19th, 2006. In the morning he went off to work and after all the fights, battles and tears the last few weeks I was expecting Mike to snap at me, say cruel things to me. But he didn’t. He kissed me loving and said he couldn’t wait to see me when he came home from work. I was surprised. All day he was being very sweet, and truly the Mike I knew. He came home after work, kissed and caressed me like he hadn’t seen me for years and years. This was the typical us. He took a shower, we played video games and he kicked my ass at Tetris. But I did kick his ass at some. We were laughing and I had the best time just being with him. We were happy. Then I left to rent movies and I returned. Mike was on the phone for a while and I knew who it was but I was tired of fighting over that so I didn’t say a single word. The evening went so good and I didn’t want anything to ruin it. He hung up and we went to watch a movie that I had rented - “Hustle and Flow”. We cuddled and held each other tightly the whole movie. We shared ice cream and we were just us. Mike then told me that he was so happy just being this way with me, he could feel the true love that we had between us and being together made it the best thing in the world. I went to sleep with him holding me tight, and I dreamed the sweetest dreams.
January 20, 2006. I woke up to him in the morning before he had to go to work. I was dreading the cruel Mike to come out, I was afraid. He was like an “emotionaholic” I was getting used to him being angry and cruel all the time and I woke up expecting the worst. But he kissed and hugged me just like he had been the sweet Mike I knew forever, not the new cruel Mike that I had learned to dislike. Then a few minutes before he was supposed to go to work, he asked me what I would do if he said I would hate him after this weekend. I asked him what he meant. He said not to worry and that he would see me after work.
I worried. All day. I worried about what the hell he meant by that. I was afraid that it was just too good to be true. Was he being sweet just so he could hurt me? Why all of a sudden? Why didn’t he just do this when I left with him to California? I knew something was up. The bad feeling was warning me again. Damn the bad feelings!
Mike came home from work and he took a shower. He was still very sweet. Then we locked ourselves in our bedroom and we talked. He told me that Amanda’s master plan was to take Mike out to dinner with J and Nikki then go to Krystal’s party at her apartment with all the others, then take Mike home with her. The next day, Saturday, she would take Mike to San Francisco all day so that Mike wouldn’t be able to come home. And Sunday, nah, he wouldn’t be coming home because by then it would be too late. She thought that it either would make me 1) say fuck it, fuck Mike or 2) die.
I couldn’t believe it. But nonetheless… It was the ultimate truth - it was time for him to choose.
He chose me. He texted Amanda and told her that he wasn’t going. Amanda called and bitched and bitched. Then J called. “Come on man, let’s just go out and have fun. You and I planned this for awhile, you know just forget all the bullshit and have fun with me.” I didn’t want Mike to go because there were NO absolutely trust I had left in him. He said he wasn’t going but then he told me what J said. He said he would go and come back right after dinner and not go to Krystal’s. He would even call me if he couldn’t get a ride back home. He said that he would talk to Amanda and tell her what she needed to hear to let Mike go. He looked at me deep in my eyes and said “I know you don’t trust me. But LISTEN. I promise you on my life that I will come home tonight to you. I chose you. I can’t say trust me because I know you don’t trust me at all. But just listen and believe.”
I let him walk. I kissed him and watched him get in the car with J, Nikki and. . . Amanda. I told myself to just believe and to LISTEN to him. Just… I told myself that if I had any faith left, to put everything I had in this one.
We texted each other back and forth but about an hour later I texted him again but he didn’t answer. I texted him again half an hour later. No answer. Again half an hour later. No answer. My bad feeling were there and it was on full blast. Something was wrong. My stomach was knotting and my mind was going insane. Now this is where I talked to myself on my sidekick, trying to keep myself calm, trying to tell myself to believe … but I was losing it. The rest was what was on my mind that night.
January 20
10:45 pm
I just called him. I had to know if he turned his sidekick off...yes he did. He turned his sidekick off. I was just a fool wasn't I? I shouldn't have let him walk away. He could promise he'd come home tonight, promise on his life but... *sigh* god. How sad...he could promise on the stars, as pure as they were, it could be easily a lie. If he doesn’t come home tonight then its over. Fuck it. As much as it’d kill me I'll disappear. (state deleted) is where I'm going. (state deleted) will kill the connection on my sidekick, except for texting. I'll get my shit together, (name deleted) would help me. She's a harass but she wants the best for me, she's the only one who ran my ass hard, even Dad didn't do that. I have money now and I'll be able to get a car, my license, go back to school, get Jade back, start a new life. No more bullshit, no more fake people, this time its all me. I cried all the tears tonight, I'm tired. If Mike wants to go with Amanda, fine, I won't fight anymore. I guess this might be the final sacrifice. Mike knows everything there is to know...I've told him I'd do anything. Maybe it's not what I say that matters anymore....maybe its just that I destroyed him... Maybe it means I have to live the rest of my life without him because that's a price I have to pay for making the mistake a year ago. Its going to fucking kill me but... If it means Mikes going to be happy, him making his choice for himself, then ok...god knows how the fuck I'm going to do this but I will. 19 days ago wasn't the moment of truth, its today. No, not today, tonight. If he doesn't come home tonight and I wake up in the morning alone, the spot besides me empty then I'll know. I'll be making calls to (name deleted) the next moment. I won't wait. I won't tell Mike where I go, I can't do that....if he chose life with her, he doesn't need to be thinking about where I am nor does he need to worry about me. Otis is going to be so pissed but I hope he will understand if I explain him why its needed for me to disappear. I hope he will have the best happiness with his Manda. The happiness I wasn't able to achieve with Mike... I hope Otis won't let Mike and I ruin that. Mike was right. The weather unleashed upon us, Mike stood strong, I got washed away and when I built myself back up he was gone. He washed away and ended up somewhere else, not the same place. Is that the truth? I don't know... I just wish I didn't fuck up.
Its 10:58 pm.... I'm starting to panic. But why panic? its quite obvious I guess... I don't want to lose him but I let him go so he could make his choice. Maybe it was stupid to let him walk away but he promised on his life he'd come home tonight and that all weekend this weekend was all mine.... I don't trust him so how do I believe? I don't know, I'm all fucked up. I want to believe so badly but I'm so afraid, I don't want to believe in case I get hurt again but even if I don't believe I still get hurt.
Tonight, I'm just going to wait for the answer. It will come no matter what. If he's here, he kept his promise. If he's not here, I'm ....gone. He said that he couldn't say "trust me" because that was stupid for obvious reason but he put it on his life that he'll be coming home but he's weak, I cannot forget that. He said to just please listen. But he said he knows himself he'd fuck up if he left. so why does things he say contradict each other? Why did he turn his sidekick off? All these questions... Its pointless. He said to listen because this is the beginning to the progress of us... I'm afraid. He said he wanted to marry me but turned around and was with her? He said he didn't believe in us, is why he "fucked up" with me when he cheated on me with her... So if he didn't believe in us, why ask me to marry him? its sad when you know your soul mate is right there in front of you yet the harsh truth is he might have never been. I don't know if that made sense... To me it does... Mike hasn't been the Mike I know the last 3 weeks, he was constantly vicious to me. Saying horrible things I never thought I'd ever hear from him, he did fucked up things to me, went back to her, cheated on me, lied... Yet I saw through all of that, just because I wanted a moment of the real him to show up. I knew he was in there somewhere. And he finally did Thursday. it meant the absolute world to me....it bought the old Gglz back, however temporary or permanent it may be? I don't know which one would be the correct answer. It didn't matter, I was Gglz again.
It’s 11:16 pm, I'm waiting, the last thread of my faith is hanging on. The night is still young… /end 11:17 pm
11:57 pm begin/ Still no Mike...... I'm feeling sick to my stomach and my heart is sinking...god. /end 11:58 pm
January 21
1:01 am begin/ Otis went to sleep. He said to wake him up if Mike needed a ride or something. I'm afraid I won't be waking Otis up......its 1 am, I don't know if he's coming home. His sidekick is turned off. Why'd he have to do that?! Fuck. Fuck! My bad feeling is there............ And every time I had that bad feeling it's always right. He's not coming home to me tonight, is he... damnit. Promised on his life, huh? I'm afraid ... was it just an another lie? I'm tired of being mind-fucked like this, why can't he just come home now. /end 1:05 am
1:11 am begin/ Should I text J? I mean.... No... I'm terrified, I'd fucking go nuts if he texted back "he went home with her"... I don't know........ Oh god I'm going nuts now. *deep breath* ok if he's not home by 3 he's definitely gone... shit ... I think I'm going to be sick /end 1:14 am
1:49 am begin/ ...........................
1:53 am begin/ I just texted J on Otis's sidekick............it’s 1:54 am now, no answer. 1:55. Oh god. oh god. he went home with her didn't he...... 1:56. God fucking damn the fucking bastard, J need to fucking answer me! *tears*...... 1:57. 5 minutes.... 1:58. If no answer by 2:15 I'm calling J..........
2:03 am begin/ ......still no answer. omg. I can't wait any longer, I have to call J............... Or should I wait... Shitshitshit. Mike said to listen to him! I want to know if that was a lie RIGHT NOW!! OR IS HE COMING HOME OR IF HE NEEDS A GODDAMN RIDE!? my head hurts...my eyes hurt... But what's killing me more is my feeling.... Fuck it I'm texting j on mine and see what he says...... If no answer by 10 more minutes I'm calling ...*tears* /end 2:05 am
2:06 am begin/ I texted him............*prays* 2:07 am. 2:09 am. still no answer......... I'm falling apart.. I dialed Mikes number like... 50 times already it goes straight to his voicemail... 2:10 am.... 5 more minutes...WHY did I let him go1? Fuickcufkcufdkcufdkcufkc! 2:11 am. Fuck it I'm calling.
2:12 am begin/ omg...J's phone is turned off too. Omg. I am so ..... FUCK IT! She can fucking have him I don't give a shit anymore!!!! Why'd he got to do this way to me, why? Fuck it. So much for love! I..... I was going to type I hate him but no, I couldn't ever say that. Damn myself for loving him. Why him? why do I do this? ...........omg. I'm so fucking stupid. STUPID! Promised on his life huh? Fuck that, he promised on his life that meant nothing to me! He promised on himself and what did he want? Himself with her! Fuck her, and fuck him! .....I'm going to disappear. He'd never know where I went. Not even Leslie or Otis will know where I'm going.....I guess I deserved this huh? The last 3 weeks and tonight's pain is nowhere as near of how much pain I put Mike through for a year. Go ahead....rip me apart make me nothing...no wait, he can't! Why? Because I'm nothing now! Yay, now we both are nothing. How ironic, we both are nothing because we made each other that way. people talk about how love is wonderful and all that. Well shit, they forgot to tell you that its nothing but pain! It’s so damn tragic I almost wish love never existed. No right now I wish it doesn't. Why? ....................... Fuck. I'm going to see if I have Krystal’s number then I'm calling her. /end 2:25 am
2:27 am begin/ ...why the fuck is nobody answering their goddamn phone. ....omg nobody’s there anymore the party’s ended awhile ago.....he went home with her. I know it. ....omg.
2:29 am begin/ Mitch… Answering machine. What do I do now!? Omg..... Fuck it. I'm dead to him now. /end 2:32 am
2:40 am begin/ You win, Mike.
This is when I called him very early in the morning and he finally had his sidekick on. I told him to get on aim. He came on. I asked him why. He said he drank. And fucked up. He fucked up so far, he couldn't go back. He was tired of doing this to me, he kept fucking up over and over again and again. I asked him what his REAL choice was. Since he chose me soberly but her while drunk. He said I was the real choice. But it was too late. So I told him I was letting him go, as much as it killed me I was going to be unselfish and let him go. I can't fight anymore if he's already done it. I didn't trust him, that's why he didn't say trust me. I' didn't even want him to go but when he said he promised on his life. "I know you don't trust me but LISTEN..." I listened to an empty promise that burst along with the alcohol bubbles. I'm so angry!!! ALCOHOL CHOSE FOR HIM! I told everyone I wish I didn't let him go on Friday. But Puff said seeing how he did it over and over again and again, it would have to happen now or later. Maybe Puff's right. How fucked up is that? People search for their soul mates all their life. I found mine at 17. He found his at 18. Now I'm almost 21 he's almost 22 yet he let me go? When he did this, not only did he destroy me but he's destroyed everyone else...Puff's lost it, all Mike is to him is a garbage nigga now. And that hurt me a lot to hear that because Puff looked up to him like he was the god of the universe. Otis's lost it. Mike always talked about family, love, loyalty for 9 years, he was the one who saved Otis over and over again and again and Otis came all the way out here to be with the only family he knew - Mike. Now he's gone. Otis's lost it. P and Weeze is betrayed. They can't believe Mike chose a bitch over me and his blood, his family, us who were there for multiple years. Everyone wants to kick his ass plus J, Nikki, Mitch, Latisia, Rochelle but I told everyone to just leave Mike alone. Don't give Amanda the power to say "see they're fucked up, they hurt us because of a choice you made". Just let Mike go, like I did. He will hurt the most when he realizes the hurt he put on all of us and the damage he's done.
January 20
8:45 am begin/ I let him go. I love you.
1:21 pm begin/ I was the winner. I hung in. I'm the strongest woman that walked the earth, even with tears running down my face. I have to go. Disappear.
1:34 pm begin/ he's on his way here to pick up his shit. I won't let him leave till he tells me which the fuck was the real choice.
1:49 pm begin/ today marks exactly 2 years ago that I spoke I love you for the very first time in Mike's ear. I guess I'll be doing that for the last time today.....give me strength, god I need it. /end 1:50 pm
3:04 pm begin/ he left 3:02 pm. He walked out of my life....he said to be strong baby...he said not to do anything stupid.. He's going to wear the ring on his neck...and I'll wear mine. He said I had my time to walk away ...now its his time. He needs to go and find out the hard way... And he'll find me when he's ready. He hoped for the best and he saw me again just like he said he would. Now I need to hope for the best and believe that I'll see him again. Before he left he said he wanted to say something but it’d hurt. I said say it because I knew if he didn't he'd regret leaving without saying it. He put I love you on my chest. I returned it.... And I hugged him... god, that was it, I lost it. I told him I loved him in his ear and he said I love you in my ear....and a kiss sealed it. And he was gone. Its only been 8 minutes and my life feels like its dying... I'm not strong...I couldn't do it, I can't I can't be strong like Mike...how do I do it.... god. /end 3:12p
3:29 pm begin/ why does people care about me? I'm nothing but a pain in the ass, I'm just a hassle.
5:32 pm begin/ Puff ....he just said Mikes no longer his brother...what he did created a lot of hate.. He's just another garbage nigga to him now. That hurt, why does it hurt me? *sigh*.... Otis is taking it hard too...such an impact on all of us....... /end 5:34 pm
6:26 pm begin/ I know why it hurts me when Puff said that. He looked up to Mike like he was the god of the universe...I saw that everyday, Mike was the savior for everyone...how unselfish was that.... He was mine as well....its just time for me to pick myself up and move on. I'll never forget these guys.... They all changed my perspective of them... Through thick and thin, no matter how fucked up the family is, they'd do it, be there for each other. I'm not family I haven't been around for a year yet they took me in as if I've never left. /end 6:30 pm
January 24
11:11 pm begin/ I refuse to cry for him anymore! Don't fucking cry!! You know you're the best, you know he's thinking of you! Then why doesn't he email you, why doesn't he text you? Fuck him, he doesn't care about you. He doesn't, look he's having fun with her, smiling, being all fucking cozy. Fuck him!!! It took him an hour max to decide this. Fuck it. His loss. Don't suffer for him.....… /end 11:16 pm
January 25
1:40 am begin/ I'm not sure of anything anymore....was he just feeding me bullshit? Or did he really love me but didn't want to hurt me anymore? Will he really come and find me? I don't know anymore. The pictures really did it in. He looked.... like he was.... I don't know, like he wanted this. I'm afraid. I don't want to be holding on if all of this was a lie, just bullshit he fed me, like Otis said, at least that's what Otis thinks.... I would know if it was the truth if I saw my ring around Mike's neck like he said he was going to do but how would I know? I'd never see him and he most likely will never send me pictures. Not a single word from him since Sunday... nothing. It's like he cut me off, what have I done to deserve this? Yes I know I left him but I didn't leave him alone entirely, I didn't shut him out and cut him off then magically reappear a year later. If that was the case I would have understood why but this. . . Why? I was there as much as I could be, and when I wasn't there it was because it hurt too much. Just like he did the same thing, he wasn't there for me on my 20th birthday, he wasn't there when our special anniversary (our engagement on the beach) passed. I hurt as much as he did, if anything I'm sure I cried more tears than he ever did. It's ironic how he's so weak yet he's so strong he could control what emotion to show and what not to show. Me, I couldn't. He weakened that a long time ago when we first got together. But I'm stronger in faith and doing what it takes than him. I realized a lot more things when I talked to Otis tonight. Alcohol didn't choose for Mike. He was too weak to choose for himself so he let whichever win then it was too late. He didn't want to carry the full responsibility of choosing, he took the easy way out. I feel like I didn't get the answers like I deserved. There's too many things left unsaid. I asked him many questions but... I don't feel at ease like I should. I let him go, yes, but I feel ...not right. I need to know more. But he hasn't emailed me, hasn't texted me at all. So much for caring. Maybe I need to stop loving him now, because he's not the Mike I loved a year ago anymore. I killed him. But I deserve to know! He did this to me, why did he do this to me if I supposedly killed him or if he supposedly died and that her family was him now? Why did he even attempt this? Why did he even bother to tell me he missed me and that he loved me and that he still wants a family with me, still dreams of me being the mother of his kids if he said the Mike I knew was dead? Why? If he was truly dead he would have never looked back at me. But he did, back and forth, back and forth.
But I'm sticking to what I decided, I won't email or contact Mike. I'm deleting Mike's myspace and making my profile private so none of these bitches and none of these bastards can check my profile out. Mike won't have access to my livejournal anymore. Not like he really ever read livejournal. I'm truly alone. Leslie and I aren't the old best friends we used to be, she doesn't even know I'm leaving to (state deleted), she doesn't even know Mike cut her off just as easily, too. Now that I've lost Mike... now I'm truly alone. I know there are people that care for me but once you've experienced great losses it doesn't allow you to see past it... Not for a long time. There were four people that held my heart entirely. Mom. Dad. Leslie. Mike. Such great losses. I'm never going to open that black book again. I don't even know if I should even wear the dragon and the ring. Maybe I won't until I see him wearing his.
Like I said, I don't know anything anymore. I'm being pulled into 2 different sides. Otis, P, Weeze and Puff say to forget Mike, that all was a lie, fuck him... Yet Mike tells me not to hate him, that he will come find me, and to not listen to what other people say. But how if he's betrayed every trust I had left in him? How if he let a promise go so loosely without a sight of a second thought on his face in the pictures with her that night? How do I believe?
"Believe like I did for a year."
I DID NOT LEAVE HIM FOR ANOTHER GUY! I LEFT FOR MYSELF! I did not betray his trust, I did not lie to him! I wasn’t cruel and vicious to him! I would never hurt him this way. That's why I could not accept that answer but if I couldn't accept that answer then how do I accept any of his answers?
I'm so confused, betrayed and fucked up. I just want the truth. But shade after shade overlap one after another, now everything's fucking black, white and gray.
How do I tell? I wish it was red, the truth would stand out a lot more obvious. /end 2:38am
January 25
10:11 am begin/ I just woke up and there was a text waiting. . . From him.
"9:01 am - Fwd: don’t give this number to anyone ok.? you can reach me here. Mike"
That's all I NEEDED the last few days but no, he took his sweet time! Now I don't know what to do, I don't want to answer yet I want to. Fuck texting, it means nothing to me now. What the fuck can I say on text?
Hi.
How are you?
That's nice.
Fuck the small talk bullshit. He want to know how I'm doing, email me a REAL email. Not an email of "how you doing? Get back ta me, -Mike". He took away the security of knowing he's close for me to talk to when I really need him. Email doesn't seem to really mean shit to me anymore. I could be falling apart that moment and he won't be there. Even so, he could type an email and she'd be standing right there watching. Phone? Ha, we never talk on the phone so that's out of the question.
When I get to (state deleted), I'm going to do A LOT of closure. I'm going to get a box and put everything that is Mike, pictures, his book, notebooks, everything and tape it shut. I don't want to see them again until Mike's back in my life. If he ever will be.
The text goes unanswered. /end 10:27 am
1:06 pm begin/ I just remembered my dream from last night. I remember I was crying in my bed and she came in naked. She got in bed with me and held me from behind. And I wasn't even angry at her, I just looked at her and I thought "why are you here, what are you doing?" and she just looked at me and held me...I can't remember the rest of the dream or anything, it was just a quick piece that I remember. Why do I keep dreaming of them? The other dream I had was of me going to Amanda's and I took Mike back. Jerry was there and he told Mike to go with me because he could see I truly loved Mike and he knew Mike's heart was me so he let me go. Amanda came home and she got so angry she ran up and got the blanket and the sheets and ran back down and tried to throw it outside the door but Jerry grabbed her and slapped her. Then... That's all I remember.
I remember a nightmare from a long time ago when I was living with Mike in California. I remember Mike and I had a fight and Mike left. I waited and waited for hours and he finally came home but he told me it was over and he showed a girl with him, I'm not sure who the girl was but I think it was Kelly. They went in Mike and my old room at Mike’s parents’ house and were fucking for hours while I cried in our other old room alone.
I guess that's me now, except I'm not crying anymore. I want to live, like Puff said, he's done shedding tears for him. Maybe I'll shed a few for a while, I know that will never change but I'm done burying myself in pain and sadness. /end 1:14 pm
This is it. The story of Mike. I don’t know why Mike did this the way he did. Maybe I’m not meant to understand. Either way, I let him go and now I am moving on. Leslie was right. As much as I’d hurt, she was right, I still would move on.
Poetic dreams close now.